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>> WELL, IT'S THE LAST SHOW
BEFORE CHRISTMAS, GIRLS.
>> HOW ARE YOU GUYS GONNA SPEND
THE HOLIDAYS?
>> MY HOLIDAY IS GONNA BE SUPER
SPECIAL THIS YEAR.
>> Both: DO TELL.
>> I'M SPENDING IT WITH MY NEW
GUY.
>> [ GASPS ] SO AM I.
>> ME TOO.
>> WHAT'S HE LIKE?
>> WELL, I'LL TELL YOU.
[ PIANO PLAYING '60s-STYLE
POP MUSIC ]
♪ I'VE GOT A NEW MAN THIS
HOLIDAY ♪
♪ SOMEONE WHO WON'T LET ME
DOWN ♪
>> ♪ A GUY WHOSE EYES ALWAYS
SPARKLE ♪
♪ A MAN WHO CAN SHOW YOU THE
TOWN ♪
>> ♪ MY BOYFRIEND KNOWS WHEN I'M
SLEEPING ♪
♪ HE ALWAYS TREATS ME RIGHT ♪
>> All: ♪ HE KNOWS IF I'VE
BEEN BAD OR GOOD ♪
♪ BUT WHEN I'M NAUGHTY, HE
THINKS IT'S NICE ♪
♪ SANTA'S MY BOYFRIEND ♪
♪ OH, YES, SANTA'S THE ONE
THAT I LOVE ♪
>> ♪ I BELIEVE HE IS REAL ♪
♪ BECAUSE I CAN STILL FEEL ♪
♪ THE TOUCH OF HIS FURRY, WHITE
GLOVE ♪
>> All: ♪ AHH ♪
♪ SANTA'S MY BOYFRIEND ♪
♪ OH, I'VE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE
LIKE THIS ♪
>> ♪ WHEN HE COMES DOWN MY
CHIMNEY ♪
>> ♪ I GET WEAK IN THE KNEES ♪
>> ♪ BECAUSE IT'S HIS KISS
THAT'S FIRST ON MY LIST ♪
I LIKE IT WHEN WE JUMP IN HIS
SLEIGH AND HE TAKES ME TO THE
NORTH POLE.
>> Both: AIN'T HE THE GREATEST?!
>> HE TOLD ME HE LOVES THE TASTE
OF MY MILK AND COOKIES.
>> Both: HE TOLD ME THE SAME
THING!
>> WHEN EVERYBODY ELSE IS
PUTTING UP THEIR STOCKINGS, HE'S
TAKING MINE DOWN.
[ ALL GIGGLE ]
>> All: YOU GET THE PICTURE.
♪ SANTA'S MY BOYFRIEND ♪
♪ HE KEEPS ME WARM IN THE COLD
WINTER SNOW ♪
>> ♪ HE'S JOLLY AND KIND ♪
>> ♪ AND I DON'T EVEN MIND ♪
♪ WHEN HE SEES ME AND SHOUTS ♪
>> All: ♪ "HO HO HO" ♪
♪ SANTA'S MY BOYFRIEND ♪
♪ AND WE'LL HAVE A WONDERFUL
LIFE ♪
♪ I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE TIME
WHEN HE'LL TRULY BE MINE ♪
♪ AND LEAVE HIS *** OF A
WIFE ♪
>> HE'S GONNA LEAVE HER, RIGHT?
>> WELL, OF COURSE HE'S GONNA
LEAVE HER.
HE PROMISED.
>> THEY ALWAYS PROMISE, AND IT
USUALLY WORKS OUT, RIGHT?
[ ALL GIGGLE NERVOUSLY ]
>> All: [ To "O Holy Night ]
♪ OH, LI-I-I-I-I-VE ♪
♪ OH, LI-I-I-I-VE FROM
NEW YO-O-O-O-O-RK ♪
♪ IT'S "SATURDAY NI-I-I-I-GHT" ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Announcer: "SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE" PRESENTS
"AN SNL CHRISTMAS."
[ WIND WHISTLING ]
>> SO, WHAT'S THIS MEETING
ABOUT?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
IT BETTER BE ABOUT OUR TOOLS.
MY HAMMER IS FALLING APART IN
MY HANDS.
>> ELVES CAN'T BUILD WITH TOOLS
LIKE THIS.
>> I'LL NEVER BE DONE WITH MY
TOYS BY CHRISTMAS!
>> AW.
>> EVERYONE, SETTLE DOWN.
THIS IS WINTER'S BREATH.
HE'S AN ELF FROM THE HOME
OFFICE.
>> CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION
FOR A MOMENT, BECAUSE YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT WHAT?
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THE HAMMER,
*** ABOUT THE QUALITY OF
YOUR WOOD, SOME PIXIE YOU'RE
TRYING TO SCREW?
LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING
IMPORTANT.
PUT THAT COCOA DOWN!
>> WHAT?
>> COCOA IS FOR COBBLERS ONLY.
YOU THINK I'M SCREWING AROUND?
I AM NOT SCREWING AROUND.
I AM HERE FROM KRIS KRINGLE.
I'M HERE FROM THE NORTH POLE,
AND I AM ON A MISSION OF MERCY.
YOUR NAME IS HONEYDEW?
>> YEAH.
>> AND YOU CALL YOURSELF AN ELF,
YOU SON OF A ***?
>> HEY, I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN
TO THIS!
>> YOU CERTAINLY DON'T, PAL,
BECAUSE THE GOOD NEWS IS, YOU'RE
FIRED.
THE BAD NEWS IS, ALL OF YOU HAVE
GOT ONE WEEK TO REGAIN YOUR
JOBS, STARTING WITH TONIGHT'S
BUILD.
>> [ GROANS ]
>> OH, HAVE I GOT YOUR ATTENTION
NOW?
GOOD, 'CAUSE WE'RE ADDING A
LITTLE SOMETHING TO THIS MONTH'S
TOY CONTEST.
AS YOU KNOW, FIRST PRIZE IS A
SHINY, NEW TOBOGGAN.
ANYBODY WANT TO SEE SECOND
PRIZE?
SECOND PRIZE IS A BOX OF CANDY
CANES.
THIRD PRIZE IS, YOU'RE FIRED.
EVERYBODY GET THE PICTURE?
YOU LAUGHING NOW, HUH?
YOU'VE GOT TOOLS.
SANTA PAID GOOD MONEY FOR THOSE
TOOLS.
YOU CAN'T BUILD WITH THE TOOLS
YOU HAVE, YOU CAN'T BUILD
GARBAGE?
YOU ARE GARBAGE!
HIT THE BRICKS, PAL, AND BEAT
IT, BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING OUT.
>> H-H-HEY, OUR TOOLS ARE WEAK.
>> YOUR TOOLS ARE WEAK?
THE F'ING TOOLS ARE WEAK?
YOU'RE WEAK.
I'VE BEEN IN THIS BUSINESS FOR
615 YEARS.
>> HEY, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
>> SCREW YOU. THAT'S MY NAME.
AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY,
MISTER?
BECAUSE YOU RODE A HEDGEHOG TO
WORK, AND I GOT HERE ON A
TALKING MOOSE.
THAT'S MY NAME.
REMEMBER, BOYS AND GIRLS, "A,"
ALWAYS, "B," BE, "C," CLOSING.
ALWAYS BE COBBLING.
ALWAYS BE COBBLING.
>> THAT'S INCREDIBLE.
>> WHAT'S THE PROBLEM, PAL?
>> WELL, YOU'RE SUCH A HERO.
YOU'RE SO RICH.
WHY ARE YOU COMING DOWN HERE AND
WASTING YOUR TIME WITH A BUNCH
OF BUMS?
>> YOU SEE THIS GUMDROP?
YOU SEE THIS GUMDROP?
THIS GUMDROP COST MORE THAN THE
MUSHROOM YOU CALL A HOUSE.
YOU SEE, PAL, THAT'S WHO I AM,
AND YOU'RE NOTHING.
NICE GUY? I DON'T CARE.
GOOD FATHER? ELF YOU.
GO HOME AND PLAY WITH YOUR KIDS.
YOU WANT TO WORK HERE, COBBLE.
I CAN SIT HERE TONIGHT WITH THE
TOOLS YOU GOT, MAKE MYSELF 15
TRAIN SETS TONIGHT IN 2 HOURS.
CAN YOU? CAN YOU?
>> NO, NO.
>> GET MAD, YOU SONS OF ***!
GET MAD!
YOU KNOW WHAT IT TAKES TO BE ONE
OF SANTA'S ELVES?
IT TAKES BRASS BALLS TO BE AN
ELF.
THE TOOLS ARE OUT THERE.
BUILD WITH THE TOOLS.
YOU DON'T, I GOT NO SYMPATHY FOR
YOU.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'LL BE
SAYING, BUNCH OF LOSERS, SITTING
AROUND THE REINDEER SHED,
DRINKING FERMENTED DEW OUT OF
ACORN CAPS?
"OH, YEAH, I USED TO BE ONE OF
SANTA'S ELVES.
IT'S A TOUGH RACKET."
THESE ARE THE NEW TOOLS.
>> All: OOH!
>> THESE ARE THE NEW GLENGARRY
LINE OF POWER TOOLS, AND TO YOU,
THEY'RE GOLD.
AND YOU DON'T GET THEM.
WHY?
BECAUSE TO GIVE THEM TO YOU IS
JUST THROWING THEM AWAY.
THEY'RE FOR COBBLERS.
I'D WISH YOU GOOD LUCK, BUT YOU
WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT
IF YOU GOT IT.
AND TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION,
PAL, I'M HERE BECAUSE SANTA
ASKED ME TO BE HERE AS A FAVOR.
I SAID THE REAL FAVOR, FOLLOW
MY ADVICE AND FIRE YOUR ELFIN'
***, BECAUSE A LOSER IS A LOSER.
OH, AND ONE MORE THING -- YOU
ALL GET HOLIDAY BONUSES.
IT'S STILL CHRISTMAS.
>> YAY!
[ PIANO PLAYS SOFTLY ]
>> IF I HAD ONE WISH THAT I
COULD WISH THIS HOLIDAY SEASON,
IT WOULD BE THAT ALL THE
CHILDREN OF THE WORLD TO JOIN
HANDS AND SING TOGETHER IN A
SPIRIT OF HARMONY AND PEACE.
IF I HAD TWO WISHES THAT I COULD
MAKE THIS HOLIDAY SEASON, THE
FIRST WOULD BE FOR ALL THE
CHILDREN OF THE WORLD TO JOIN
HANDS AND SING IN A SPIRIT OF
HARMONY AND PEACE, AND THE
SECOND WOULD BE FOR $30 MILLION
A MONTH TO BE GIVEN TO ME,
TAX-FREE, IN A SWISS BANK
ACCOUNT.
YOU KNOW, IF I HAD THREE WISHES
THAT I COULD MAKE THIS HOLIDAY
SEASON, FIRST, OF COURSE, WOULD
BE FOR ALL THE CHILDREN TO GET
TOGETHER AND SING, THE SECOND
WOULD BE FOR THE $30 MILLION
EVERY MONTH TO ME, AND THE THIRD
WOULD BE FOR ALL-ENCOMPASSING
POWER OVER EVERY LIVING BEING
IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE.
AND IF I HAD FOUR WISHES THAT I
COULD MAKE THIS HOLIDAY SEASON,
THE FIRST WOULD BE THE CRAP
ABOUT THE KIDS, DEFINITELY.
SECOND WOULD BE FOR THE
$30 MILLION, THE THIRD WOULD BE
FOR ALL THE POWER, AND THE
FOURTH WOULD BE TO SET ASIDE ONE
MONTH EACH YEAR TO HAVE AN
EXTENDED, 31-DAY *** TO BE
BROUGHT ABOUT SLOWLY BY
ROSANNA ARQUETTE AND THAT MODEL
PAULINA SOMEBODY.
I CAN'T THINK OF HER NAME.
OF COURSE, MY LOVELY WIFE CAN
COME, TOO, AND SHE'S BEHIND ME
100% ON THIS, I GUARANTEE YOU.
WAIT A MINUTE!
MAYBE THAT SEX THING SHOULD BE
THE FIRST WISH.
SO IF I MADE THAT THE FIRST
WISH, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE IT COULD
ALL GO BOOM TOMORROW, THEN WHAT
DO YOU GOT, YOU KNOW?
NO, NO.
THE KIDS -- THE KIDS SINGING
WOULD BE GREAT.
THAT WOULD BE NICE.
BUT WAIT A MINUTE.
WHO AM I KIDDING?
I MEAN, THEY'RE NOT GONNA BE
ABLE TO GET ALL THOSE KIDS
TOGETHER.
I MEAN, THE LOGISTICS OF THE
THING, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE -- MORE
TROUBLE THAN IT'S WORTH.
SO WE REORGANIZE.
HERE WE GO.
FIRST, THE SEX THING.
WE GO WITH THAT.
SECOND, THE MONEY -- NO.
WE GO WITH THE POWER SECOND,
THEN THE MONEY, AND THEN THE
KIDS.
OH, WAIT, OH, GEEZ!
I FORGOT ABOUT REVENGE AGAINST
MY ENEMIES.
OKAY, I NEED REVENGE AGAINST ALL
MY ENEMIES.
THEY SHOULD DIE LIKE PIGS IN
HELL.
THAT WOULD BE THE FOURTH WISH.
AND, OF COURSE, MY FIFTH WISH
WOULD BE FOR ALL THE CHILDREN OF
THE WORLD TO JOIN HANDS AND SING
IN A SPIRIT OF HARMONY AND
PEACE.
THANK YOU, EVERYBODY, AND MERRY
CHRISTMAS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> TONIGHT IS THE SEVENTH NIGHT
OF HANUKKAH, AND HERE TO SING A
HANUKKAH SONG IS ADAM SANDLER!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THAT WAS COOL. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THANKS. THANKS VERY MUCH.
WELL, WHEN I WAS A KID, THIS
TIME OF YEAR ALWAYS MADE ME FEEL
A LITTLE LEFT OUT, BECAUSE IN
SCHOOL, THERE WERE SO MANY
CHRISTMAS SONGS, AND ALL US
JEWISH KIDS HAD WAS THE SONG
"DREIDEL, DREIDEL, DREIDEL."
AND SO I WROTE A BRAND-NEW
HANUKKAH SONG FOR YOU JEWISH
KIDS TO SING, AND I HOPE YOU
LIKE IT.
♪ PUT ON YOUR YARMULKE ♪
♪ HERE COMES HANUKKAH ♪
♪ SO MUCH FUN-UKKAH TO CELEBRATE
HANUKKAH ♪
♪ HANUKKAH IS THE FESTIVAL OF
LIGHTS ♪
♪ INSTEAD OF ONE DAY OF
PRESENTS, WE HAVE EIGHT CRAZY
NIGHTS ♪
♪ BUT WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE THE
ONLY KID IN TOWN WITHOUT A
CHRISTMAS TREE ♪
♪ HERE'S A LIST OF PEOPLE WHO
ARE JEWISH, JUST LIKE YOU AND
ME ♪
♪ DAVID LEE ROTH LIGHTS THE
MENORAH ♪
♪ SO DO KIRK DOUGLAS,
JAMES CAAN, AND THE LATE
DINAH SHORE-AH ♪
♪ GUESS WHO EATS TOGETHER AT THE
CARNEGIE DELI? ♪
♪ BOWZER FROM SHA NA NA AND
ARTHUR FONZARELLI ♪
♪ PAUL NEWMAN'S HALF JEWISH, AND
GOLDIE HAWN'S HALF, TOO ♪
♪ PUT THEM TOGETHER, WHAT A
FINE-LOOKING JEW ♪
[ LAUGHS ]
♪ YOU... ♪
♪ YOU-OU-OU DON'T NEED
"DECK THE HALLS" OR
"JINGLE BELL ROCK" ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU CAN SPIN A DREIDEL
WITH CAPTAIN KIRK AND
MR. SPOCK -- BOTH JEWISH ♪
♪ PUT ON YOUR YARMULKE ♪
♪ HERE COMES HANUKKAH ♪
♪ THE OWNER OF THE
SEATTLE SUPERSONIC-AH CELEBRATES
HANUKKAH ♪
♪ O.J. SIMPSON --
NOT A JEW ♪
♪ BUT GUESS WHO IS?
HALL OF FAMER ROD CAREW ♪
HE CONVERTED. AHEM.
♪ WE GOT ANN LANDERS AND HER
SISTER, DEAR ABBY ♪
♪ HARRISON FORD'S A QUARTER
JEWISH -- NOT TOO SHABBY ♪
♪ SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT
EBENEZER SCROOGE IS ♪
♪ WELL, HE'S NOT, BUT GUESS WHO
IS? ♪
♪ ALL THREE STOOGES ♪
OH, BOY.
♪ SO -- SO MANY JEWS ARE IN
SHOWBIZ ♪
♪ TOM CRUISE ISN'T, BUT I THINK
HIS AGENT IS ♪
♪ TELL YOUR FRIEND VERONICA IT'S
TIME TO CELEBRATE HANUKKAH ♪
♪ I HOPE I GET A HARMONICA ON
THIS LOVELY, LOVELY HANUKKAH ♪
♪ SO DRINK YOUR GIN AND TONIC-AH
BUT DON'T SMOKE MARIJUAN-UKKAH ♪
♪ IF YOU REALLY, REALLY
WANNA-KKAH ♪
♪ HAVE A HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY,
HAPPY HANUKKAH ♪
HAPPY HANUKKAH, EVERYBODY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU.
>> ADAM SANDLER, EVERYBODY.
YEAH!
>> NORM.
>> OH, MY GOD.
THE GREAT SANDU.
HE'S A FINE-LOOKING JEW.
>> ♪ SATURDAY TV FUNHOUSE ♪
♪ TV FUNHOUSE ♪
>> COME BACK HERE WITH MY SHOW!
>> ♪ TV FUNHOUSE ♪
>> ON CHRISTMAS EVE, THE
GENTILES GATHER 'ROUND THE
CHRISTMAS TREE.
THEY STAY AT HOME AND PARTY WITH
THEIR GOYISHE FAMILY.
THEY DISAPPEAR ONE DAY EACH YEAR
AND PASS THE EGGNOG 'ROUND.
BUT IT'S ALL RIGHT 'CAUSE THAT'S
THE NIGHT THE JEWS CONTROL THE
TOWN.
[ UP-TEMPO R&B MUSIC PLAYS ]
♪ WELL, IT HAPPENS EVERY YEAR ON
CHRISTMAS EVE ♪
♪ ALL THE HAPPY CHRISTIAN PEOPLE
TAKE THEIR LEAVE ♪
♪ YEAH, THE STREETS ARE DESERTED
AND THAT'S BIG NEWS ♪
♪ IT'S CHRISTMASTIME FOR THE
JEWS ♪
♪ YEAH, THE HOLIDAY PARTY STARTS
ABOUT 6:00 P.M. ♪
♪ AIN'T NOBODY RE-CREATING
BETHLEHEM ♪
♪ YEAH, THE THREE WISE MEN,
THAT'S A BIG OLD SNOOZE ♪
♪ IT'S CHRISTMASTIME FOR THE
JEWS ♪
♪ THEY CAN FINALLY SEE
"KING KONG" WITHOUT
WAITING IN LINE ♪
♪ THEY CAN EAT IN CHINATOWN AND
DRINK THE SWEETEST WINE ♪
♪ THEY CAN CRANK
BARBRA STREISAND ON THE STREETS
THEY CRUISE ♪
♪ CHRISTMASTIME FOR THE JEWS ♪
♪ THEY CAN GANG UP ON THE
QUAKERS ♪
♪ PLAY FOR THE LAKERS ♪
♪ THEY CAN DO WHAT THEY WANNA ♪
♪ EVEN BLOW OFF MADONNA ♪
♪ GET A CHANCE TO DRIVE A
TRACTOR ♪
♪ WIN ON "FEAR FACTOR" ♪
♪ SEE "FIDDLER ON THE ROOF" WITH
ACTUAL JEWISH ACTORS ♪
♪ NOW THEY REALLY GET THE PARTY
GOING AFTER DARK ♪
♪ CIRCUMCISING GRATEFUL
SQUIRRELS IN THE CITY PARK ♪
♪ PICKING FIGHTS IN THE BAR,
KNOWING THEY CAN'T LOSE ♪
♪ CHRISTMASTIME FOR THE JEWS ♪
♪ NOW IT'S NEARLY 10:30 ♪
♪ YES, IT'S TIME FOR BED ♪
♪ "DAILY SHOW" RERUN DANCING IN
THEIR HEADS ♪
♪ MAYBE NEXT YEAR, THEY'LL LEARN
HOW TO HOLD THEIR *** ♪
♪ CHRISTMASTIME FOR THE JEWS ♪
♪ EVERYONE ♪
♪ CHRISTMASTIME FOR THE JEWS ♪
♪ DON'T YA SEE, NOW ♪
♪ CHRISTMASTIME FOR THE JEWS ♪
[ SINGING INDISTINCTLY ]
>> LET GO OF MY SHOW!
LET GO OF MY SHOW!
>> WELL, THERE ARE A LOT OF
HOLIDAY PARTIES THIS SEASON,
WHICH MEANS YOU'LL MEET A LOT OF
PEOPLE WITH A LOT OF OPINIONS.
HERE WITH HER OPINIONS IS THE
GIRL YOU WISH YOU HADN'T STARTED
A CONVERSATION WITH AT A PARTY.
>> HEY, SETH. WELCOME BACK.
>> ALL RIGHT, WELL, THANK YOU.
SO, ARE YOU EXCITED ABOUT THE
HOLIDAYS?
>> EXCITED?
I'M REPULSED, SETH.
ALL THIS "MERCIALISM" AROUND
CHRISTMAS -- IT'S AN OUTRAGE.
IT'S A "TRAJESTY."
IT'S LIKE, WHAT ARE WE EVEN
DOING?
AND, LIKE, WHY?
AND, LIKE, DON'T.
>> YOU REALLY SEEM LIKE YOU'RE
IN THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT.
>> YOU MEAN, THE CHRIST-MAS
SPIRIT?
OH, RIGHT, YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT
JESUS, 'CAUSE YOU WORSHIP
HALLMARK.
>> [ Chuckling ] OH, BOY.
>> YOU NEED TO WAKE UP AND SMELL
THE MUSIC, SETH.
THERE ARE HOMELESS PEOPLE OUT
THERE WHO CAN'T EVEN PAY THEIR
MORTGAGES.
IS THAT WHAT GEORGE WASHINGTON
HAD IN MIND WHEN HE STARTED
AMERICA?
IT'S, LIKE, READ SOMETHING,
SETH.
LEARN A BOOK.
>> LEARN IT?
>> FACT -- FOR EVERY FIVE PEOPLE
WHO ARE HUNGRY, THERE ARE FIVE
PEOPLE WHO ARE TOO FULL.
IT'S, LIKE, SWITCH STOMACHS?
AND, FACT -- FOR EVERY FOUR MEN,
THERE ARE TWO WOMEN.
AND THAT'S JUST SUPPOSED TO BE
ACCEPTABLE?
NO. WE NEED BIPARTISAN SHIPS.
>> BIPARTISAN SHIPS?
LIKE, SHIPS THAT ARE BIPARTISAN?
>> [ Mockingly ] "LIKE SHIPS
THAT ARE BIPARTISAN"?
YOU NEED TO GROW UP, SETH,
'CAUSE THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE IN
AFRICA RIGHT NOW WHERE IT'S,
LIKE, NO.
ALSO -- I'M SORRY -- WHY CAN'T
SECRET SANTA JUST BE OPENLY GAY?
LIKE, HELLO, IT'S 2010.
HOLD ON. HOLD ON.
THIS IS NOT MY PHONE.
>> [ Chuckling ] OKAY.
>> SETH, CAN I DO A MINSTREL
SHOW REAL QUICK?
>> NO!
>> OKAY, FINE, YOU'RE
REVERSE RACIST.
THAT'S EVEN WORSE.
INGRID! INGRID!
I HATE HER.
SETH, WHAT DID YOU ASK FOR, FOR
CHRISTMAS?
>> I DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU.
>> WOULD YOU RELAX?
I'M JUST ASKING YOU WHAT YOU
WANT FOR CHRISTMAS.
>> OKAY, WELL, I WAS HOPING TO
GET THE NEW iPad.
>> I ASKED FOR AN END TO
GENOCIDE.
>> OH, COME ON.
>> OKAY?
SO, MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU'RE ON
YOUR NEW iPad...
>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
>> ...LOOK UP HOW TO BE A DECENT
HUMAN BEING.
>> ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK I SHOULD JUST TAKE A LAP
AND MEET SOME OTHER PEOPLE.
>> WAIT.
GIVE ME LIKE 40 MORE MINUTES.
>> NO.
>> I GOT TO SHOW YOU THIS THING
MY FRIEND TREVOR MADE.
HE'S, LIKE, GAY, BUT HE ONLY
HOOKS UP WITH WOMEN.
IT'S ORIGAMI.
>> [ Chuckling ] OH, THAT'S
GREAT.
>> THAT'S SPANISH FOR "GOOSE."
>> [ Chuckling ] NO, IT ISN'T.
WE DON'T -- WE DON'T HAVE TIME
FOR THIS.
I THINK YOU SHOULD GO.
>> OKAY, FINE, I'LL GO, BUT I
HAVE 14 WORDS FOR YOU, SETH.
>> OH, BOY.
>> PEACE...
>> UH-HUH?
>> ...FAMILY, SUSTAINABLE
FARMING, DON'T KICK PIGEONS,
READING IS OUR FUTURE, AND
MINSTREL SHOW.
CLOSE YOUR EYES, SETH. WATCH.
>> NO, I DON'T WANT TO.
>> NO, CLOSE THEM.
WATCH.
OPEN THEM.
WHOA.
WELCOME TO AMERICA, SETH.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
THE GIRL, AT A PARTY, YOU WISH
YOU HADN'T STARTED A
CONVERSATION WITH.
>> HAPPY KWANZAA. IT'S FOR YOU.
>> "'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE
CHRISTMAS, AND ALL THROUGH THE
HOUSE, NOT A CREATURE WAS
STIRRING, NOT EVEN A MOUSE."
MM.
ITCHY, ITCHY.
"THE STOCKINGS WERE HUNG BY THE
CHIMNEY WITH CARE, IN THE HOPES
THAT ST. NICHOLAS SOON WOULD BE
THERE."
NOW, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY
ABOUT HOPES?
THEY'RE WHAT WE CLING TO WHEN
REALITY HAS LEFT US NOTHING
ELSE.
"THE CHILDREN WERE NESTLED, SNUG
IN THEIR BEDS, WHILE VISIONS OF
SUGARPLUMS DANCED IN THEIR
HEADS.
AND MAMA IN HER KERCHIEF AND I
IN MY CAP HAD JUST SETTLED DOWN
FOR A LONG WINTER'S NAP."
NOW, KIDS, HERE'S A QUESTION --
TRUE OR FALSE -- DURING THE
HOLIDAY SEASON, THE SUICIDE RATE
INCREASES SIGNIFICANTLY?
RIGHT? WELL, YOU GET BACK TO ME
ON THAT.
"WHEN OUT ON THE LAWN THERE ROSE
SUCH A CLATTER, I SPRANG FROM MY
BED TO SEE WHAT WAS THE MATTER."
YOU KNOW THAT THE STATE OF
CALIFORNIA HAS A HOME-INVASION
LAW WHERE IT'S ACTUALLY LEGAL TO
SHOOT SOMEONE JUST FOR ENTERING
YOUR RESIDENCE?
AND I MEAN PERFECTLY LEGAL.
DID YOU KNOW THAT?
WELL, IT'S TRUE.
"AWAY TO THE WINDOW I FLEW LIKE
A FLASH, TORE OPEN THE SHUTTERS,
AND THREW UP THE SASH.
THE MOON ON THE BREAST OF THE
NEW-FALLEN SNOW GAVE A LUSTER OF
MIDDAY TO THE OBJECTS BELOW.
WHEN WHAT TO MY WONDERING EYES
SHOULD APPEAR BUT A MINIATURE
SLEIGH AND EIGHT TINY REINDEER."
NOW, DID YOU KNOW THAT IT IS
ESTIMATED THAT SANTA'S SLEIGH
WEIGHS 353,000 TONS?
SO, TRAVELING AT 650 MILES PER
SECOND WOULD CREATE SUCH AN
ENORMOUS FRICTION THAT SANTA AND
HIS REINDEER WOULD BURST INTO
FLAME.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
LIKE A METEOR ENTERING THE
ATMOSPHERE.
KIDS, THIS IS A SCIENTIFIC FACT.
"WITH A LITTLE OLD DRIVER SO
LIVELY AND QUICK, I KNEW IN A
MOMENT IT MUST BE ST. NICK."
YOU KNOW, IN PORTUGAL, THEY
ACTUALLY DON'T CALL HIM
ST. NICK.
HIS NAME IS PAI NATAL.
AND UNLESS CHILDREN LEAVE HIM A
STICK OF BUTTER, HE STEALS ONE
OF THEIR TOES.
SO IT'S RATHER TERRIFYING.
OH, BY THE WAY, IF ANY OF YOU
GUYS ARE IN THE MOOD FOR A
TREAT, HERE'S A BOWL OF
HALLS MENTHO-LYPTUS.
ANYONE?
NO?
SUIT YOURSELVES.
CAN I SAY -- WHEN I WAS A CHILD,
WE USED TO SUCK ON PENNIES.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
AND IT WAS A DELIGHT.
YOU KNOW?
YOU KNOW, I'M GETTING THE SENSE
THAT NOT MANY OF YOU ARE
ENJOYING THIS.
I MEAN, AM I CORRECT IN THIS
ASSUMPTION?
OKAY, WELL, ANYWAY -- WELL,
KIDS, LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY.
YOU HAVE RENDERED ALL THIS
USELESS.
OKAY?
I'LL JUST SKIP TO THE END.
"BUT I HEARD HIM EXCLAIM AS HE
DROVE OUT OF SIGHT,
'MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO
ALL A GOOD NIGHT.'"
SO, MERRY CHRISTMAS, CHILDREN.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT?
PAI NATAL IS COMING, AND HE IS
GONNA FEAST ON ALL YOUR TOES.
[ SOFT MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> HEY, GIRL, I GOT SOMETHING
REAL IMPORTANT TO GIVE YOU.
SO JUST SIT DOWN AND LISTEN.
♪ GIRL, YOU KNOW WE'VE BEEN
TOGETHER SUCH A LONG, LONG
TIME ♪
>> ♪ SUCH A LONG TIME ♪
>> ♪ AND NOW I'M READY TO LAY IT
ON THE LINE ♪
>> ♪ WELL, YOU KNOW IT'S
CHRISTMAS, AND MY HEART IS OPEN
WIDE ♪
>> ♪ OPEN WIDE ♪
>> ♪ GONNA GIVE YOU SOMETHING SO
YOU KNOW WHAT'S ON MY MIND ♪
>> ♪ WHAT'S ON MY MIND ♪
♪ A GIFT REAL SPECIAL, SO TAKE
OFF THE TOP ♪
>> ♪ TAKE A LOOK INSIDE ♪
♪ IT'S MY [BLEEP] IN A BOX ♪
>> ♪ IT'S IN A BOX ♪
>> Both: ♪ NOT GONNA GET YOU A
DIAMOND RING ♪
♪ THAT SORT OF GIFT DON'T MEAN
ANYTHING ♪
♪ NOT GONNA GET YOU A FANCY
CAR ♪
♪ GIRL, YOU GOTTA KNOW YOU'RE MY
SHINING STAR ♪
♪ NOT GONNA GET YOU A HOUSE IN
THE HILLS ♪
♪ A GIRL LIKE YOU NEEDS
SOMETHING REAL ♪
♪ I WANT TO GET YOU SOMETHING
FROM THE HEART ♪
>> ♪ SOMETHING SPECIAL, GIRL ♪
>> Both: ♪ IT'S MY [BLEEP] IN A
BOX ♪
♪ MY [BLEEP] IN A BOX, BABE ♪
♪ IT'S MY [BLEEP] IN A BOX ♪
>> OOH ♪
>> Both: ♪ MY [BLEEP] IN A BOX,
GIRL ♪
♪ SEE, I'M WISE ENOUGH TO KNOW
WHEN A GIFT NEEDS GIVING, GIRL ♪
♪ AND I GOT JUST THE ONE ♪
♪ SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU THAT YOU
ARE SECOND TO NONE ♪
>> ♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
>> ♪ TO ALL THE FELLAS OUT
THERE WITH LADIES TO IMPRESS ♪
♪ IT'S EASY TO DO, JUST FOLLOW
THESE STEPS ♪
♪ ONE ♪
>> ♪ CUT A HOLE IN A BOX ♪
>> ♪ TWO ♪
>> ♪ PUT YOUR JUNK IN THAT BOX ♪
>> ♪ THREE ♪
>> ♪ MAKE HER OPEN THE BOX ♪
>> Both: ♪ AND THAT'S THE WAY
YOU DO IT ♪
♪ IT'S MY [BLEEP] IN A BOX ♪
♪ MY [BLEEP] IN A BOX, BABE ♪
♪ IT'S MY [BLEEP] IN A BOX ♪
>> ♪ OOH ♪
>> Both: ♪ MY [BLEEP] IN A BOX,
GIRL ♪
>> ♪ CHRISTMAS ♪
>> ♪ [BLEEP] IN A BOX ♪
>> ♪ HANUKKAH ♪
>> ♪ [BLEEP] IN A BOX ♪
>> ♪ KWANZAA ♪
>> ♪ A [BLEEP] IN A BOX ♪
♪ EVERY SINGLE HOLIDAY,
A [BLEEP] IN A BOX ♪
♪ OVER AT YOUR PARENTS' HOUSE,
A [BLEEP] IN A BOX ♪
♪ MIDDAY AT THE GROCERY STORE,
A [BLEEP] IN A BOX ♪
♪ BACKSTAGE AT THE CMAs,
A [BLEEP] IN A BOX ♪
♪ YEAH, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL ♪
[ SOFT MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO
THE HOLIDAY EDITION OF
"CONSUMER PROBE."
OUR SUBJECT TONIGHT IS UNSAFE
TOYS FOR CHILDREN -- FOR
INSTANCE, THIS LITTLE
BOW-AND-ARROW SET.
PULL THE RUBBER SUCTION CUPS
OFF, AND THE ARROWS BECOME
DANGEROUS MISSILES.
WE HAVE WITH US TONIGHT
MR. IRWIN MAINWAY, PRESIDENT OF
MAINWAY TOYS.
UH, MR. MAINWAY, YOUR COMPANY
MANUFACTURES THE FOLLOWING
SO-CALLED HARMLESS PLAYTHINGS --
PRETTY PEGGY EAR-PIERCING SET,
MR. SKIN-GRAFTER,
GENERAL TRON'S SECRET POLICE
CONFESSION KIT, AND
DOGGY DENTIST.
AND WHAT ABOUT THIS INNOCENT
RUBBER DOLL, WHICH YOU MARKET
UNDER THE NAME
JOHNNY SWITCHBLADE?
PRESS HIS HEAD, AND TWO SHARP
KNIVES SPRING FROM HIS ARMS.
MR. MAINWAY, I'M AFRAID THIS IS
BY NO MEANS A SAFE TOY.
>> OKAY, MISS, I WANT TO CORRECT
YOU ON ONE THING HERE, OKAY?
FIRST OF ALL, THE FULL NAME OF
THIS PRODUCT, AS IT APPEARS IN
STORES ALL OVER THE COUNTRY IS
"JOHNNY SWITCHBLADE: ADVENTURE
PUNK."
NOW, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, NOTHING
GOES WRONG.
THESE LITTLE GIRLS BUY THEM.
YOU KNOW, THEY PLAY GAMES.
THEY MAKE UP STORIES.
NOBODY GETS HURT.
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, SO, BARBIE
TAKES A KNIFE ONCE IN A WHILE OR
KEN GETS CUT, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, THERE'S NO HARM IN IT.
I MEAN, AS FAR AS I CAN SEE.
YOU KNOW?
>> I SEE. FINE, FINE.
WELL, WE'D LIKE TO SHOW YOU
ANOTHER ONE OF MR. MAINWAY'S
PRODUCTS.
IT RETAILS FOR $1.98, AND IT'S
CALLED "BAG O'GLASS."
MR. MAINWAY, THIS IS SIMPLY A
BAG OF JAGGED, DANGEROUS GLASS
BITS.
>> YEAH, RIGHT, IT'S -- YOU
KNOW, IT'S JUST GLASS.
IT'S BROKEN GLASS, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, IT SELLS VERY
WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU
KNOW?
AS I SAID, IT'S JUST BROKEN
GLASS, YOU KNOW?
>> [ SCOFFS ]
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I MEAN, CHILDREN COULD SERIOUSLY
CUT THEMSELVES ON ANY ONE OF
THESE PIECES.
>> YEAH, WELL, LOOK.
YOU KNOW, THE AVERAGE KID -- HE
PICKS UP, YOU KNOW, BROKEN GLASS
ANYWHERE -- THE BEACH, THE
STREET, GARBAGE CANS, PARKING
LOTS, ALL OVER THE PLACE IN ANY
BIG CITY.
WE'RE JUST PACKAGING WHAT THE
KIDS WANT, YOU KNOW?
YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, IT'S A CREATIVE TOY.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, IF YOU HOLD
THIS UP, YOU SEE COLORS.
YOU KNOW, YOU SEE ALL THE COLORS
OF THE RAINBOW.
I MEAN, IT TEACHES THEM ABOUT
LIGHT REFRACTION, PRISMS, AND
THAT STUFF.
YEAH, PRISMS.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
>> I SEE.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
>> UH-HUH.
OH, SO, YOU DON'T FEEL THAT THIS
PRODUCT IS DANGEROUS?
>> NO! COME ON, LOOK.
WE PUT A LABEL ON EVERY BAG,
SAYS, "KID, BE CAREFUL -- BROKEN
GLASS."
I MEAN, WE SELL A LOT OF
PRODUCTS IN THE "BAG O'" LINE,
LIKE BAG O' GLASS, BAG O' NAILS,
BAG O' BUGS, BAG O' VIPERS,
BAG O' SULFURIC ACID.
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE DECENT TOYS.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
>> WELL, I GUESS WE CAN SEE THAT
ALL OF YOUR TOYS ARE REALLY
UNSAFE AND SHOULD RIGHTFULLY BE
BANNED FROM THE MARKET.
>> [ SCOFFS ]
>> I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST WOULD HAVE LIKED TO KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GOOD OLD
TEDDY BEAR.
>> HOLD ON A MINUTE, SISTER.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, WE MAKE A
TEDDY BEAR.
I GOT ONE RIGHT HERE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S RIGHT HERE.
IT'S GOT A NICE LITTLE FEATURE
HERE, YOU CAN SEE.
AND TAKE A SHOT OF THAT.
I'LL HOLD IT UP HERE.
YOU KNOW, WE CALL IT
TEDDY CHAIN SAW BEAR.
THERE IT IS, THERE IT IS --
TEDDY CHAIN SAW BEAR, SEE?
[ CHAIN SAW REVS ]
YOU KNOW, A KID PLAYS WITH THIS
STUFF, HE CAN CUT LOGS WITH IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
YOU KNOW?
>> WELL, THIS IS CERTAINLY A
VERY SAD SITUATION -- ONE OF THE
PRECIOUS JOYS OF CHRISTMAS
WARPED BY A RUTHLESS PROFITEER
LIKE YOURSELF.
>> NOW, THAT'S YOUR OPINION.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
>> WELL, I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU CAN'T MAKE HARMLESS TOYS
LIKE THESE ALPHABET BLOCKS.
>> COME ON. THIS IS HARMLESS?
ALL RIGHT, OKAY, YOU CALL THIS
HARMLESS?
I MEAN I GOT A SLIVER IN HERE!
LOOK AT THAT.
A SLIVER. THIS IS WOOD!
YOU KNOW, THIS IS UNSANDED WOOD.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS ROUGH.
A KID GETS A SLIVER IN HIM.
>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS
RIDICULOUS DISPLAY.
HERE IS ANOTHER CREATIVE TOY,
SAFE ENOUGH FOR A BABY.
>> HELL, YOU SAY IT'S SAFE.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS CORD.
I MEAN, THE KID'S ON THE PHONE.
"HELLO? HELLO?"
"AAH!"
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I MEAN, IT'S JUST AN EXAMPLE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST AN EXAMPLE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
IT'S AN EXAMPLE, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, YOU SEE MY POINT,
YOU KNOW, I DEMONSTRATE LIKE
THAT, YOU KNOW?
YOU SEE MY POINT, YOU KNOW?
>> UM, WELL, LET'S TRY THIS ONE.
WHAT ABOUT THIS LITTLE FOAM PLAY
BALL?
I MEAN, EVEN YOU, MR. MAINWAY,
CAN'T FIND ANYTHING DANGEROUS
ABOUT THIS, HUH?
THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE ON
"CONSUMER PROBE" THIS WEEK.
>> BOUNCE IT ON THE TABLE.
AAH!
[ GRUNTING ]
YOU CAN'T BREATHE, YOU KNOW?
>> AND NOW FOR THIS FILMED
MESSAGE.
THANK YOU.
[ SOFT MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> ARE YOU TIRED OF FAMILY
ENTERTAINMENT WITH NO EDGE,
NO GRIT?
THEN LET THE NEW YORK ACTOR'S
STUDIO SHOW YOU A NEW TWIST ON
AN OLD CLASSIC.
IT'S "YOU'RE A RAT ***,
CHARLIE BROWN," STARRING
"GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS'S"
AL PACINO...
>> CHRISTMAS IS COMING, BUT I'M
NOT HAPPY!
>> ...PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN AS
PIG-PEN...
>> I THINK THE WHOLE CHRISTMAS
EXPERIENCE IS OVERRATED.
>> PIG-PEN!
>> CHARLIE?
>> YOU LOOK LIKE [BLEEP]
YOU SMELL LIKE [BLEEP]
BUT YOU'RE MY FRIEND, PIG-PEN.
>> ...WITH EDIE FALCO AS LUCY.
>> CHARLIE BROWN, WHAT THE HECK
DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
THIS IS CHRISTMAS.
YOU CAN'T JUST BE MOPING AROUND.
IT'S NOT RIGHT.
>> I KNOW.
>> I KNOW WHAT YOU NEED.
>> WHAT?
>> I HAVE ATIVAN. YOU WANT THAT?
>> OH, YEAH!
>> A LITTLE ***?
>> OH, YEAH!
>> YOU LIKE A KLONOPIN?
>> I WANT SOMETHING TO TAKE ME
SKY-HIGH!
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> IT'S CHARLIE BROWN BY WAY OF
BROOKLYN, WITH LARRY DAVID AS
LINUS.
>> I DON'T KNOW, THIS WHOLE
CHRISTMAS THING, IT'S A WHOLE
TO-DO -- YOU KNOW, THE PARTIES
AND THE PRESENTS AND DECORATING.
AGH, IT'S NOT FOR ME.
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN, CHRISTMAS
IS NOT FOR YOU?!
DON'T TELL ME IT'S NOT FOR YOU.
IF I SAY IT'S FOR YOU, THEN IT'S
FOR YOU!
>> OH, SO -- SO -- SO -- SO, I'M
JUST SUPPOSED TO ACCEPT WHAT YOU
SAY?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!
>> [BLEEP] YOU, LINUS.
>> [BLEEP] ME?
>> YEAH.
>> WHY DON'T YOU GO [BLEEP]
YOURSELF, CHARLIE BROWN?
>> AW!
>> PLUS, THE WHOLE "PEANUTS"
GANG, LIKE FOREST WHITAKER AS
FRANKLIN.
>> CHARLIE, WHAT'S THE MEANING
OF CHRISTMAS?
>> KRISTIN CHENOWETH REPRISES
HER BROADWAY ROLE AS SALLY.
>> DEAREST SANTA, HOW WAS YOUR
SUMMER?
DID Y'ALL HAVE A SWELL LITTLE,
GRAND OL' TIME?
>> [BLEEP]
STUPID [BLEEP]
>> MICHAEL KEATON AS SCHROEDER.
>> YOU WANT TO GET PEANUTS?!
COME ON! LET'S GET PEANUTS.
>> AND ALL THE ADULTS...
>> NOBODY LIKES ME, MA!
>> WAH-WAH-WAH WAH WAH WAH.
>> AW, YOU'RE KILLIN' ME, MA!
>> ...VOICED BY THE INCOMPARABLE
FRAN DRESCHER.
>> WAH WAH-WAH WAH-WAH-WAH WAH
WAH WAH.
>> OH, THAT'S LIKE A KNIFE IN MY
HEART!
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> AW!
>> CHARLIE?
>> WHAT?
>> YOU'RE OUT OF EGGNOG.
>> I'M OUT OF EGGNOG?
>> YEAH.
>> YOU'RE OUT OF EGGNOG!
>> NO.
>> THIS WHOLE PARTY IS OUT OF
EGGNOG!
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> IT'S ALL THE ICONIC
CHARLIE BROWN MOMENTS YOU
REMEMBER FROM CHILDHOOD.
>> LUCY, YOU'RE GONNA HOLD THE
FOOTBALL?
>> YES!
>> YOU'RE GONNA HOLD THAT
[BLEEP] FOOTBALL?!
>> YES!
>> ALL RIGHT, HERE I GO.
CHA-A-RGE!
WHOA!
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> OH, YOU ***!
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> [BLEEP]
>> CALM THE [BLEEP] DOWN!
[BLEEP] CHARLIE BROWN.
>> YOU GET THE [BLEEP] OUT OF
HERE!
>> IT'S NOT [BLEEP] GRASS.
IT'S SOFT.
>> ALL RIGHT, WE'RE GONNA TAKE
INTERMISSION REAL QUICK.
>> "YOU'RE A RAT ***,
CHARLIE BROWN," IN PREVIEWS NOW
AND FOREVER, SO THEY CAN NEVER
REVIEW IT.
>> IT'S, UH, PRETTY, PRETTY,
PRETTY GOOD.
>> WELL, THE HOLIDAY SEASON IS
UPON US ONCE AGAIN, AND THAT
MEANS SPENDING TIME WITH FAMILY.
HERE WITH HIS ADVICE ON HOW TO
MANAGE THE HOLIDAYS, PLEASE
WELCOME DRUNK UNCLE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> [ Slurring ] HEY, SETH.
IT IS GREAT TO BE HERE, HOSTING
"SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER."
>> [ Chuckling ] OKAY.
SO, UH, DRUNK UNCLE, ARE YOU
EXCITED FOR THE HOLIDAYS?
>> THE HOLIDAYS ARE NOT WHAT
THEY USED TO BE, SETH.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS A KID, YOU
KNOW, CHRISTMAS MEANT SOMETHING.
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE -- PEOPLE GOT
DRESSED UP.
YOU KNOW, THEY WOULD TRAVEL SIX
HOURS IN A CAR.
NOWADAYS, IT'S JUST, "HEY, COULD
YOU E-MAIL ME DINNER?"
"HEY -- HEY, COULD YOU FAX ME A
HUG?"
PBHT!
>> OKAY, WELL, DO YOU HAVE ANY
ADVICE ON HOW TO DEAL WITH
FAMILY?
>> I FOUND OUT THAT MY NIECE IS
GETTING GAY-MARRIED.
YOU KNOW -- YOU KNOW WHAT I'M
GONNA GET HER FOR A WEDDING
PRESENT?
THE BOYFRIEND.
>> DRUNK UNCLE, CAN WE PLEASE
JUST TALK ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS?
>> OCCUPY LAME STREET!
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, KIDS, THEY
NEED TO PULL UP THEIR PANTS,
SETH.
KIDS TODAY -- KIDS TODAY,
THEY'RE ALWAYS SAYING,
"TEXT ME! TEXT ME! TEXT ME!"
WHY DON'T YOU WRITE A LETTER,
YOU DUMMY?
>> A LETTER TO WHO?
>> YOU CAN'T EVEN SAY
"MERRY CHRISTMAS" ANYMORE.
YOU GOT TO SAY, "HEY,
BABY JESUS, YOU WANT TO DO
PILATES?"
OR -- OR, "ARE YOU ON A
CLEANSE?"
YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE ABOUT
CHRISTMAS, THOUGH?
THAT SEXY GREEN M&M LADY.
[ CHUCKLES ]
I WOULD HIT THAT.
COME ON.
YOU'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
>> NO, I REALLY HAVEN'T.
>> YOU'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
>> NO, I HAVEN'T.
>> ♪ EVERY KISS BEGINS WITH
KAY ♪
PUT THAT IN YOUR iPad AND SMOKE
IT.
>> CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING
THIS, DRUNK UNCLE.
I THINK YOU MIGHT BE TOO DRUNK.
>> SO, I DIDN'T MAKE THE BIG
CATCH.
OKAY?
I WASN'T PROM QUEEN.
OKAY?
SO, I WASN'T SPORTS KING.
OKAY?
SO, I'M NOT MUSCLE MAN.
OKAY?
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
PBHT!
THAT'S NOT ME.
>> MAN, I'M SORRY.
I -- WHAT'S YOUR POINT?
>> HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I COULD
JUMP, SETH?
IMMIGRANTS!
BETH -- BETH, IF I WAS
DR. CONRAD MURRAY...
I WOULD RENT A BOAT...
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA SAY.
>> I DON'T. I DON'T.
>> HEY...
HEY...
HEY...
GUESS WHO'S BACK.
GUESS WHO'S BACK.
>> WHO'S BACK?
>> IT'S YOUR BACK.
>> THAT STINKS.
>> YOUR BACK.
>> THAT STINKS.
>> SO, IN CONCLUSION...
...YOU'RE ALL ROBOTS.
>> DRUNK UNCLE, EVERYONE.
>> IT'S YOUR BACK.
>> I KNOW IT'S MY BACK.
I GET IT.
>> JAMES FARROW, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
>> SEASON'S GREETINGS
FROM ALL OF US HERE AT
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
[ SLEIGH BELLS RINGING ]
>> ONE...
[ SYNTHESIZER PLAYS "I WISH
IT WAS CHRISTMAS TODAY" ]
ONE...
>> TWO...
>> ONE...
>> TWO...
>> THREE...
>> FOUR.
♪ I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR MAMA
SAYS ♪
♪ CHRISTMASTIME IS NEAR ♪
♪ I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR DADDY
SAYS ♪
♪ CHRISTMASTIME IS DEAR ♪
♪ ALL I KNOW IS THAT SANTA'S
SLEIGH ♪
♪ IS MAKING ITS WAY TO THE
U.S.A. ♪
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
♪ I DON'T CARE WHAT THE MAYOR
SAYS ♪
♪ CHRISTMAS IS FULL OF CHEER ♪
♪ I DON'T CARE IF YOU THINK IT'S
A LIE ♪
♪ CHRISTMAS WILL SOON BE HERE ♪
♪ I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE
C.I.A. ♪
♪ I DON'T CARE WHAT THE
CALENDARS SAY ♪
♪ I WISH IT WAS CHRISTMAS
TODAY ♪
♪ I WISH IT WAS CHRISTMAS
TODAY ♪
[ ANIMALS ROARING,
MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ MUSIC STOPS ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> IT'S "WHAT UP WITH THAT?"
CHRISTMAS SPECTACULAR...
WITH LEGENDARY ACTOR
SAMUEL L. JACKSON...
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
...MUSICIAN AND ACTRESS
CARRIE BROWNSTEIN...
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
...AND THE IRREPRESSIBLE
LINDSEY BUCKINGHAM.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
NOW HERE'S YOUR HOST,
DIONDRE COLE!
>> ♪ I WOKE UP THIS MORNING
AND I GOT OUT OF BED ♪
♪ HAD A BIG OLD CUP OF COFFEE
TO CLEAR MY HEAD ♪
♪ TELEPHONE RING
AND YOU WANT TO TEXT ♪
♪ WELL, SIT ON DOWN
AND TELL ME WHAT'S UP WITH
THAT ♪
♪ OOOH-WEE ♪
♪ WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? ♪
♪ WHAT UP WITH THAT? ♪
♪ OOOH-WEE ♪
♪ WHAT UP WITH THAT? ♪
♪ WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? ♪
♪ WHAT U-UP WITH THAT? ♪
♪ OH ♪
♪ I WANT THAT ONE MORE TIME ♪
YEAH!
[ MUSIC STOPS ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ALL RIGHTY!
WELL, THANK YOU ALL FOR JOINING
US ON THE "WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?"
CHRISTMAS SPECTACULAR.
MAN, I AM SO EXCITED.
WE ARE HERE TO MAKE A JOYFUL
NOISE UNTO B.E.T.
THERE'S GONNA BE A CELEBRATION.
[ HI-HAT CYMBALS PLAY ]
WE GONNA DRINK LIBATIONS.
[ ORGAN PLAYS THEME MUSIC ]
♪ GONNA BE A REVELATION ♪
♪ JUBILATION ♪
♪ IT'S GONNA BE A HOLLY AND
JOLLY, "GOOD GOLLY, MISS MOLLY,"
"RIDE A TROLLEY TO RALEIGH,"
HOLIDAY ♪
♪ COME GET IT ♪
♪ OOOH-WEE ♪
OH!
♪ WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? ♪
♪ WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? ♪
♪ OOOH-WEE ♪
♪ WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? ♪
♪ WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? ♪
♪ WHAT'S U-UP? ♪
♪ I SAY, WHAT'S UP? ♪
♪ SOMEBODY TELL ME,
WHAT IS UP WITH THAT, NOW? ♪
NOW, IF YOU DOWN BY THE
ROCKEFELLER CENTER CHRISTMAS
TREE...
♪ YOU BEST GET THE HELL OUT MY
WAY ♪
YEAH!
WHOO! WHOO!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HO HO HO!
WELL!
WELCOME TO OUR HOLIDAY SHOW.
I LOVE THE HOLIDAYS.
HEY, VANCE, WHAT YOU GET FOR
CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR, MAN?
ANOTHER RED TRACK SUIT?
>> YES, INDEED.
>> [ Chuckling ] YEAH, I KNEW
IT, I KNEW IT.
WELL, LET'S GET DOWN TO
BUSINESS.
FROM THE NEW MOVIE
"DJANGO UNCHAINED,"
SAMUEL L. JACKSON IS HERE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> GLAD TO BE HERE, GLAD TO BE
HERE.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S HAPPENING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> AND FROM "PORTLANDIA,"
CARRIE BROWNSTEIN IS HERE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND OUR DEAR FRIEND
LINDSEY BUCKINGHAM, WHO SKIPPED
HIS OWN FAMILY HOLIDAY GATHERING
TO BE HERE.
AH, I LOVE YOU, LINDSEY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
NOW, LINDSEY IS SO EXCITED
BECAUSE TONIGHT HE'S GONNA TELL
US THE TRUE MEANING OF
CHRISTMAS.
YOU THINK YOU GOT IT FIGURED
OUT, DON'T YOU, LINDSEY?
>> [ MOUTHING WORDS ]
>> YEAH, I BET YOU DO.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, SAM JACKSON,
WHAT DO THE HOLIDAYS MEAN TO
YOU?
>> WELL, IT'S A SPECIAL TIME,
'CAUSE IT'S ALL ABOUT GIVING.
I STARTED THE SAMUEL L. JACKSON
FOUNDATION THAT GIVES MONEY TO
LOTS OF CAUSES, BECAUSE PEOPLE
NEED TO KNOW THAT THERE ARE
PEOPLE...
[ HI-HAT CYMBALS PLAY ]
...PEOPLE OUT THERE...
WHO CARE ABOUT THEM...
THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT HERE
LISTENING TO THEIR VOICES.
>> ♪ LISTENING TO VOICES ♪
>> YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
UH, SO, IF IT'S THE HOLIDAYS,
AND YOU'RE IN A POSITION TO
BETTER SOMEONE ELSE, THEN YOU
SHOULD.
>> ♪ GIVIN' WHAT YOU CAN, YEAH ♪
>> OKAY, THAT'S HOW IT IS.
NOW, I'M TRYING TO TALK ABOUT
HELPING PEOPLE, HERE, SO DON'T
YOU DARE CUT ME OFF!
>> ♪ I WON'T CUT YOU OFF ♪
♪ BUT I GOT TO SAY ♪
♪ OOOH-WEE ♪
♪ WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? ♪
♪ WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? ♪
♪ OOOH-OOOH-OOOH-WEE ♪
♪ WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? ♪
♪ WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? ♪
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...
A MAN WHO HAS PLAYED BROADWAY TO
VEGAS AND EVERYPLACE IN BETWEEN.
FROM ONE OF THE GREAT SHOWBIZ
FAMILIES, THE INCOMPARABLE
JACKIE ROGERS JR.!
[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> ♪ IT'S CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ AND ONE'S DRINKING
MULLED WINE ♪
♪ IT'S CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ AND, YES, HE'S LOOKIN' FINE ♪
♪ IT'S CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ SO GET YOUR EGGNOG SPOT ♪
♪ AND RAISE YOUR GLASS TO
GYPSY CHRISTMAS TONI-I-GHT ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
LOOK, OLD JACKIE'S BACK!
HAH!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ GIGGLES ]
THANK YOU. AREN'T YOU KIND.
YOU KNOW, IT'S SO GREAT TO BE
HERE.
INTERESTING STORY ABOUT MY LATE
FATHER.
I WAS --
>> ♪ OOOH-WEE ♪
♪ WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? ♪
♪ WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? ♪
♪ OOOH-WEE ♪
♪ WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? ♪
♪ WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? ♪
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE
DELICIOUSLY DEVIANT LADY OF
CHRISTMAS PRESENT.
SHE WILL STEAL YOUR PRESENTS AND
THEN STEAL YOUR HEART -- THE
FEMALE GRINCH, GRINCHINA!
GO, GRINCHY! GO, GRINCHY!
GO, GRINCHY! STEAL OUR PRESENTS!
STEAL OUR PRESENTS!
FOR CHRISTMAS! FOR CHRISTMAS!
GRINCHINA'S GONNA GET YA!
GRINCHINA'S GONNA GET YA!
THE GRINCH THAT STOLE MY BONUS.
♪ OOOH-WEE ♪
♪ WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? ♪
♪ WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? ♪
♪ OOOH-WEE ♪
♪ WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? ♪
♪ WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? ♪
♪ WHAT'S U-UP? ♪
♪ I SAID, WHAT'S UP? ♪
♪ SOMEBODY TELL ME
WHAT'S UP WITH THAT, NOW? ♪
NOW, IF YOU GONNA REGIFT ME
SOMETHING, MAKE SURE IT AIN'T...
♪ SOME WHITE GUY'S CLOTHES ♪
YES! WHOO!
AH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
MAN!
HA HA HA!
WELL, WE OUT OF TIME.
I WANT TO THANK MY GUESTS, THE
INCREDIBLE SAMUEL L. JACKSON.
>> MAN [BLEEP]
>> HEY!
ALSO -- COME ON, SAM.
>> [BLEEP]
>> HEY, COME ON, NOW.
THAT COSTS MONEY.
I ALSO...
I ALSO WOULD LIKE TO THANK
CARRIE BROWNSTEIN.
ABSOLUTELY, YEAH.
SHE IS THE FUNNY ONE AT
"PORTLANDIA."
[ LAUGHING ]
UH, AND, OH, MY GOSH.
OH, SHOOT!
LINDSEY BUCKINGHAM...
YOU WERE GONNA TELL THEM THE
MEANING OF CHRISTMAS.
YOU MADE SIX TRIPS TO ISRAEL.
OH, LINDSEY.
LINDSEY, I'M SO SORRY.
COME ON, IT'S THE HOLIDAYS,
LINDSEY.
LINDSEY.
I'LL BUY YOU A COOKIE CAKE.
IT'LL HAVE SANTA'S FACE ON IT,
LINDSEY.
COME ON.
COOKIE CAKE.
AH, THERE YOU GO, LINDSEY.
YEAH, THAT'S MY DAWG.
YEAH, LINDSEY AND ME ARE GONNA
DO SantaCon TOMORROW.
UNTIL NEXT TIME, I'M
DIONDRE COLE ASKING YOU...
♪ HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY ♪
♪ HEY-EY ♪
♪ OOOH-WEE ♪
♪ WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? ♪
♪ WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? ♪
♪ OOOH-WEE ♪
♪ WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? ♪
♪ WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? ♪
♪ OOOH ♪
[ SOFT CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> HELLO.
I'M MARGARET JO McCULLEN.
>> AND I'M TERI RIALTO.
>> Both: AND YOU'RE LISTENING
TO "THE DELICIOUS DISH" ON
NATIONAL PUBLIC RADIO.
>> NOW, TERI, IT'S CHRISTMAS
SEASON AGAIN, OUR FAVORITE TIME
OF YEAR.
>> THAT'S RIGHT, MARGARET JO.
HOLIDAY TIME IS WHEN THE MOST
WONDERFUL CULINARY WISHES CAN
COME TRUE.
NOW, WHAT'S ON YOUR LIST THIS
HOLIDAY SEASON, MARGARET JO?
>> WELL, TERI, I REALLY GOT
GREEDY THIS YEAR.
I'M ASKING KRIS KRINGLE FOR A
WOODEN BOWL, SOME OVERSIZED
INDEX CARDS, AND A FUNNEL.
>> OOH, A FUNNEL.
THAT'LL BE GREAT FOR FUNNELING.
>> I KNOW.
I FEEL LIKE A GLUTTON.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> WHAT'S ON YOUR LIST, TERI?
>> WELL, I'M ONLY ASKING SANTA
FOR ONE THING -- A BIG BOX OF
GLUE TRAPS TO HELP ME DEAL WITH
MY EXCESSIVE RAT PROBLEM.
[ CHUCKLES ]
NOW, TELL ME, UM, ARE YOU,
MARGARET JO, GOING TO LEAVE ANY
TREATS OUT FOR SANTA THIS YEAR?
>> OH, ABSOLUTELY.
I ALWAYS DO.
I LIKE TO LEAVE SANTA SOME TAP
WATER AND RICE.
IF SANTA'S ANYTHING LIKE ME,
CHRISTMAS FOODS REALLY WREAK
HAVOC ON THE OLD DIGESTIVE
SYSTEM.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA LEAVE, TERI?
>> UH, I CAN'T EVER LEAVE FOOD
OUT IN MY APARTMENT, BECAUSE I
HAVE AN EXCESSIVE RAT PROBLEM.
>> THAT'S NEAT. SANTA'S FUN.
>> SANTA'S FUN. NEAT.
>> YEAH, IT'S FUN.
>> GOOD TIMES.
>> GOOD TIMES.
>> THAT'S NEAT.
WELL, CHRISTMAS IS A TIME FOR
TRADITIONAL FOODS AND BITE-SIZED
TREATS.
AND WE HAVE A VERY SPECIAL
GUEST TODAY.
>> THAT'S RIGHT, TERI.
HE'S THE OWNER OF HIS OWN
HOLIDAY BAKERY WITH A VERY, VERY
CLEVER NAME...
SEASON'S EATINGS.
>> THAT'S REALLY FUNNY.
>> I KNOW.
IT RHYMES WITH "SEASON'S
GREETINGS."
>> [ GIGGLES ]
UH, PLEASE WELCOME THE OWNER
OF SEASON'S EATINGS,
PETE SCHWEDDY.
>> HI, PETE.
WELCOME. HOW ARE YOU?
>> WELCOME, PETE.
>> WE LIKE THE NAME OF YOUR
STORE.
>> HI. THANKS FOR HAVING ME.
>> NOW, DID I PRONOUNCE YOUR
NAME CORRECTLY?
>> YOU SURE DID.
PETE SCHWEDDY.
>> WELL, PETE, TERI AND I HAVE
BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO HAVING
YOU ON THE SHOW, 'CAUSE WE KNOW
YOU'RE THE MASTER OF ALL KINDS
OF CHRISTMAS GOODIES.
TELL US ABOUT THEM.
>> WELL, THERE ARE LOTS OF GREAT
TREATS THIS TIME OF YEAR --
ZUCCHINI BREAD, FRUITCAKE.
BUT THE THING THAT I MOST LIKE
TO BRING OUT AT THIS TIME OF THE
YEAR ARE MY BALLS.
>> MMM.
MMM, BALLS.
MMM.
TELL US ABOUT YOUR BALLS, PETE.
>> WELL, OVER AT
SEASON'S EATINGS, WE HAVE BALLS
FOR EVERY TASTE -- POPCORN
BALLS, CHEESE BALLS,
RUM BALLS -- YOU NAME IT.
>> WOW.
MY MOUTH'S WATERING JUST
THINKING ABOUT THOSE BALLS.
>> IT'S BEEN YEARS SINCE I'VE
SEEN ANY BALLS.
>> WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE MY
BALLS NOW?
>> YEAH.
>> YEAH.
>> WHIP 'EM OUT.
>> WHIP 'EM, BABY.
>> OOH.
>> WOW.
>> WOW.
>> WOW.
YOU HAVE SOME BEAUTIFUL BALLS.
>> THEY'RE BIGGER THAN I
EXPECTED.
>> I KNOW.
A LOT OF PEOPLE TELL ME THAT.
>> LOOK AT THAT, TERI, THE WAY
THEY GLISTEN.
>> THAT'S BECAUSE I MAKE SURE
THAT EACH ONE OF MY BALLS GETS
PLENTY OF OIL.
>> I CAN'T HELP BUT NOTICE,
PETE, YOUR BALLS ARE A LITTLE
MISSHAPEN.
>> THAT'S BECAUSE I RESTED THEM
ON A HOT STOVE FOR TOO LONG.
>> CAN I TOUCH YOUR BALLS?
>> GO AHEAD, BUT BE CAREFUL.
THEY'RE VERY DELICATE.
>> OKAY.
>> WOW, I CAN'T WAIT TO GET MY
MOUTH AROUND THIS BALL.
>> MMM.
OOH, I LIKE THE WAY YOUR BALLS
SMELL.
>> DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO THEM,
LADIES.
MY BALLS ARE HERE FOR YOUR
PLEASURE.
>> WOW, PETE, I HAVE TO SAY,
YOUR BALLS ARE SO TENDER.
>> WELL, THERE'S NO BEATING MY
BALLS.
THEY'RE MADE FROM A SECRET
SCHWEDDY FAMILY RECIPE.
NO ONE CAN RESIST MY SCHWEDDY
BALLS.
>> FUN.
>> SCHWEDDY BALLS.
NOTHING LIKE A SCHWEDDY BALL.
>> SCHWEDDY BALLS.
>> GOOD TIMES.
>> GOOD TIMES.
>> MMM.
MM-HMM.
>> MMM.
OH.
OH, OUR PRODUCER, GLENN, IS
GESTURING TO US FROM THE
TECHNICIAN'S BOOTH.
AND IT LOOKS LIKE HE -- OH, VERY
GOOD -- HE'S TELLING US TO WRAP
IT UP.
>> I GUESS THAT'S ALL THE TIME
WE HAVE TODAY, TERI.
SO JOIN US NEXT WEEK, WHEN OUR
TOPIC WILL BE THAT OTHER HOLIDAY
FAVORITE...
>> Both: FRAGRANT SALTY NUTS.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> HEY, QUICK PLUG.
IF YOU ORDER FROM
SEASON'S EATINGS NOW, WE CAN
STILL SEND OUT A SPECIAL
SCHWEDDY-BALL SACK IN TIME FOR
CHRISTMAS.
>> OOH, GREAT IDEA.
MY NIECE WOULD LOVE A SACK OF
SCHWEDDY BALLS.
[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> ♪ O COME ALL YE FAITHFUL ♪
♪ JOYFUL AND TRIUMPHANT ♪
>> IT'S OFFICIAL.
MICHAEL BUBLé'S "CHRISTMAS" IS
THE NUMBER-ONE ALBUM IN AMERICA.
AND NOW BUBLé IS BACK WITH A
BRAND-NEW COLLECTION OF
CHRISTMAS DUETS, WITH LEGENDARY
PERFORMERS LIKE STING...
>> ♪ DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS
OF HOLLY ♪
>> ♪ FA-LA-LA ♪
♪ FA-LA-LA ♪
♪ FA-LA-LA LA LA LA ♪
>> ♪ 'TIS THE SEASON TO BE
JOLLY ♪
>> ♪ FA-LA-LA, LA-LA LA-LA-FLO ♪
♪ FA-LA-FLO, FLA-LA-FLO ♪
>> ...AND TAYLOR SWIFT.
>> ♪ I SAW THREE SHIPS COME
SAILING IN ON CHRISTMAS DAY, ON
CHRISTMAS DAY ♪
>> [ MOUTHING WORDS ]
>> PLUS, JUSTIN BIEBER.
>> ♪ JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE
BELLS ♪
♪ JINGLE ALL THE WAY ♪
JUSTIN, IT'S YOUR -- IT'S YOUR
LINE, MAN.
>> AND THE ALWAYS CONTROVERSIAL
M.I.A.
>> ♪ UP ON THE ROOFTOP ♪
>> ♪ QUICK, QUICK, QUICK ♪
>> ♪ DOWN THROUGH THE CHIMNEY ♪
[ GUNSHOTS ]
>> WHAT THE [BLEEP]
>> WITH A SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY
RUSSELL BRAND.
>> ♪ ANGELS WE HAVE HEARD ON
HIGH ♪
>> NOW, WHY WOULD AN ANGEL WANT
TO GET HIGH?
THEY WOULDN'T NEED TO, WOULD
THEY?
THEY'RE ALREADY IN THE CLOUDS.
IT'S KIND OF THEIR THING.
I ONCE SAW A MAN NAMED ANGEL GET
HIGH.
WE'D ALL BE LUCKY TO MEET A MAN
LIKE ANGEL IF HE JUST PRANCED
THROUGH YOUR DOOR, "HELLO, I'M
ANGEL.
DO YOU GOT ANY DRUGS?"
>> IT'S THE COLLECTION OF
HOLIDAY DUETS YOU'LL TREASURE
FOREVER, FEATURING CHART-TOPPERS
LIKE KE$HA...
>> ♪ EIGHT MAIDS A-MILKING ♪
>> ♪ SEVEN DUDES A-PUKING ♪
>> ♪ SIX GEESE A-LAYING ♪
>> ♪ I GOT HEP "C" ♪
>> ...AND "AMERICAN IDOL" WINNER
SCOTTY McCREERY.
>> ♪ O HOLY NIGHT ♪
>> ♪ [ Deep voice ] THE STARS
ARE BRIGHTLY SHININ' ♪
♪ IT IS THE NIGHT OF OUR DEAR
SAVIOR'S BIR-R-R-R-R-R-TH ♪
>> FEATURING RADIOHEAD'S
THOM YORKE...
>> ♪ SILENT NIGHT ♪
>> ♪ SILENT, SILENT, SILENT ♪
>> ♪ HOLY NIGHT ♪
>> ♪ HOLY, HOLY ♪
>> ♪ OH ♪
>> ...AND LADY GAGA.
>> WAIT, IS THIS REALLY HER?
>> WITH A SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY
KANYE WEST.
>> [ Rapping ] ♪ HEY, LITTLE
JESUS, YOU'RE JUST A BABY ♪
♪ YOU RIDE A DONKEY ♪
♪ I DRIVE MERCEDES ♪
♪ JESUS, I'M SO MUCH BETTER THAN
YOU ♪
>> MICHAEL BUBLé'S
"CHRISTMAS DUETS"...
>> YEAH!
>> ...IN STORES NOW!
[ "HARK! THE HERALD ANGELS SING"
PLAYS ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]