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This programme contains some strong language.
Hi, I'm Andy Millman. What would you rather do? Have your child die of thirst or dysentery?
That's not a choice that you or I have to make, is it?
But one in five people don't have access to clean drinking water.
Every day, millions of people have to drink the only water available to them and they run the risk of dying.
You can help put an end to that terrible risk by pledging just five pounds.
Please help.
Cut. Was that all right? That was fantastic.
Oh, brilliant. Thank you so much, that was so wonderful. Chris! Hi! Hi. Hello, how are you?
What's this for today? It's for people in the third-world... Yeah. ..who don't have clean drinking...
This screen, are you going to project anything on there?
Ah, we don't know yet...
OK, cos we have an album coming out, Greatest Hits? Oh.
Maybe just put the picture of the album cover on it. Oh... Just simple. I think probably, if we're
gonna project anything we'll show pictures of people dying because of a lack of clean water.
Could they be holding the album?
Not really, no, erm... That might be a bit inappropriate, perhaps? Oh.
I presume at some point you're gonna have some footage
of these people walking around, looking sad, miserable.
What about some music?
Check this out.
HE HUMS INTRO TO "TROUBLE" BY COLDPLAY
Is that one of yours? Yeah, yeah, Trouble.
Just say at the bottom, "This is available, Coldplay Greatest Hits."
Yeah, I'm just not quite sure... Easy, easy. ..what's gonna happen yet so...
So easy. But I think what you're... All right. Now where do you want me to stand? Just there, that's great.
Hey, I know you. All right?
"Are we having a laugh?" "Are YOU having a laugh?" Yeah.
I could come on your show. Oh! What's your audience, five or six million? That'd be fab. I dunno.
I think it's weird, celebrities just popping up in a sitcom, you know what I mean?
(No, we'll get him in.) I could play myself. What would Chris Martin be doing visiting a factory in Wigan?
I dunno, you work it out. We will. We won't. We will. When do you shoot? Thursdays, but it's just...
I can't do Thursdays. Oh, never mind...
I can do Wednesdays. We can move it. We can't move it. We can. Move it.
Yeah. Can we get on with this, I've got to do AIDS and Alzheimer's and land-mines
this afternoon and I wanna get back for Deal Or No Deal. Plus Gwyneth's making drumsticks.
Do some bloody work, what's up with you lot?
We're depressed, Mr Stokes. Why?
Radio's broken, Mr Stokes.
Statistics prove that workers are much more productive with musical accompaniment.
Are you having a laugh?
Is he having a laugh?
CANNED LAUGHTER
Oh, we can't work without music.
Can't work without music, who are you, seven bloody dwarves?
You'll just have to buy us another one.
Hrrumph! I'm not made of money and we've spent budget for t'year so...
I don't know what we're gonna do.
Maybe I can help?
I don't believe it.
It's only Chris Martin from Coldplay.
Hey. Hi.
Chris, what are you doing here in a factory in Wigan? It's mental.
Well, Ray, I'm just, er, in the area to promote our new album, Coldplay, The Greatest Hits
and I thought I'd pop on over, say hello.
Right. When's that due out?
It's coming out on the 17th of this month, and it's going to be really great. Oh, fantastic.
Well, this is going to sound absolutely ridiculous but do you mind performing a song for us?
Are you having a laugh?
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
# When you try your best but you don't succeed
# When you get what you want but not what you need
# When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
# Stuck in reverse
# The lights will guide you home
# And ignite your bones
# And I will try to fix you... #
APPLAUSE
"This week When The Whistle Blows sunk ever lower in its desperate attempts to appeal to as many of the
"great unwashed as possible by roping in the services of rock star Chris Martin, whose inexplicable appearance
"was the latest attempt by Andy Millman to shamelessly prop up his lame duck of a sitcom."
I told you, I told everyone.
Why did I let people convince me?
Calm down. Muffin?
No. Have a lovely bit of muffin.
I don't want any. Do you mind if I have some muffin?
No. Thank you.
Bar? 'Yo.'
I'm having the muffin. 'I'll come through.'
Why is this an event? He's excited.
All right? All right, Andy?
All right, Shaun. Lovely bit of muffin.
Hello you.
Oh, lovely.
Why's he eating it like that?
Yeah, why are you eating like that?
Me hands. I've been cleaning out the toilets, I've got no gloves.
You... you shook my hand when you came in.
Well, it's politeness isn't it, it's...
Just being polite, we're celebrating with that bit of muffin. What would be the best news you could get?
You're going full time at the Carphone Warehouse. I don't work there any more.
Well, I do Saturday mornings while Nirinda's pregnant.
No, what news could you get that would mean you've got the critical respect you've been looking for?
I don't know, "BBC One comedy with catchphrases and stupid wigs filmed
"in front of a studio audience of morons is suddenly considered cool"?
That's never gonna happen. No, you've been nominated for a BAFTA.
Best Comedy Performance. Really? Yeah.
Not gonna win though, something classier than this'll win.
No, cos I was thinking the same and I was looking down the list of nominees and it's all crap
this year so you've got as good a chance as anyone. Cheers.
More good news. Had a call from a toy manufacturer and they're keen to put out a Ray doll for Christmas.
And you press a button and it goes "Are you having a laugh?" Oh, who's gonna buy that?
Same people who watch your show. Thick kids and their thick parents...
Yeah thick people, I get it. The thick demographic. Don't slag 'em off
cos those people spend a fortune on this sort of tat. And ringtones. Ah, that Crazy Frog made millions.
Yeah, where is he now?
Probably working on a follow-up album or trying to crack Japan.
It's not bad for a frog, is it? It's very good for a frog.
He's probably the second richest frog in the world. After Kermit. Kermit, yeah.
There was his nephew, Robin. Ah, Robin was good.
Looked set to take over the empire. He was a good actor and singer. Half Way Up The Stairs. Good song.
I've never been to an awards ceremony before. Nor have I.
Do you think there will be photographers there?
Probably. Oh, what if I fall or dribble something down my front?
What are you, a toddler? Oh, there's some nice frocks in here. Come and help me choose something.
No, I'll wait out here.
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
How much is this one? That's two thousand, five hundred pounds. Oh.
That's a bit much. Yes.
Are there any of these that are... It's all very expensive.
I don't think you can afford anything.
How do you know what I can afford?
Oh...just a hunch.
Hunch. You're a hunch.
Hm? Nothing.
Nothing in there? No, nothing, come on, let's go. Oh, where we going now?
Somewhere, just anywhere else. Oh, what exactly are you looking for?
I'm looking for a place where people aren't quite as rude. Who was rude?
Her in there. What happened? She looked at me like I shouldn't be there, like I was a piece of dirt.
Come on. Oh, no, no. Come on.
INTRO TO "PRETTY WOMAN" BY ROY ORBISON
That one? Yeah.
# Pretty woman. #
Good day.
My friend here was looking for a dress.
I wondered if we could help her with that. Gold card there.
Well, I'm sure we can. Mmm, good.
Yeah, I think she was looking at this one.
Oh, wonderful. How much is that?
Two thousand, five hundred pounds.
SLIGHTLY STRAINED: Two thousand, five hundred pounds.
Oh, do you want that? Yeah.
If you don't want it, don't have it.
No, I...I want it.
Definitely afford it, it's just a matter of, is it the right dress?
Yes.
Could we bring it back if there's something wrong with it, say after this coming Sunday?
We don't do refunds. No, no, no, but if it didn't fit? She should try it on. I know but what if she got fat?
By Sunday? No, what if the...oh, the stitching there was to be pulled apart slightly?
Pulled apart? Just came apart? Just normal wear and tear, the sweat rot under the old arm pit...
cuts through the old stitches.
Could we...?
Let's make absolutely sure OK, always good to be sure, sorry about this, you're not thinking... What?
I'm gonna ask you a question now, consider the answer, OK?
Do you really want me to spend £2,500 on that dress? Yes.
She does! Ahhh! Go on!
We've all learnt a lesson today.
There's a chance it won't fit.
It's not even tax deductible.
Do you do...
celebrity discount?
Well, I don't know who she is. She's nobody.
"Are you having a laugh?"
No, we don't do discount. No, not are YOU having a laugh.
Watch this and comprehend.
AS RAY: "Are you having a laugh?"
Does no-one here know...
"Is she having a laugh?" Do you know?
Oh, yeah, you're from that sitcom. Correct. Any good?
Not really, it's a bit broad, relies on catchphrases and funny wigs.
Did I ask for a critique? Shall I go to the store room and say you haven't swept up right?
So, you don't do celebrity discount? No. No, not one percent?
Oh, OK, I'll do you a one percent discount.
What's that? On two thousand five hundred? Twenty five pounds.
Not worth it.
I'd rather you stuck it on if anything.
Well, shall we just leave it as it is?
That's your Christmas and birthday. Yeah, OK.
Never'd spent that much.
Those are six hundred pounds. HE LAUGHS
They're very expensive. That's not why I was laughing.
I was laughing they weren't expensive enough. That's what tickled me when I first saw the six hundred.
What do you think?
Do you think it's all right? Yeah.
Can I get it? Yep.
Andy...
Andy...will you win tonight? Oh, it's just flattering to have been nominated. So...
Is that your girlfriend? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. All right.
Always tell journalists the truth, and let them change the facts later. And who are you wearing? Maggie.
No. Who are you wearing? Maggie Jacobs.
No, whose dress is that? It's mine. Thank you. She won a competition. Don't speak to anyone else tonight.
What did I... Not even to me.
Dale! Dale! Darling, Dale.
Toby Anstis.
Have you ever eaten a worm?
I don't even know what a worum is?
There's an "r" in it, you should pronounce it.
Worm. Old girlfriend, ah God.
What? Shall we... Andy... Hi! Hi! You all right?
Yeah, I'm really good thanks, yeah.
God, you've done well. Yeah. All down-hill from here.
Who are you, erm, what was I going to, erm...
What...are you BAFTA tonight, are you, first time?
Well, yeah, as part of the Holby team. Oh, good luck with...erm...
Yeah, thanks, thanks...
and good luck to you as well. Absolutely.
Yeah, it's a pity, no, we should ask... Yeah, I'll see you later.
I'll see you there. OK, good luck with the... Thanks.
Good to... Good luck. See you later. Cheers.
Who was that? The most boring woman in the world.
How do you know her? I went out with her when I was an extra on Holby City.
Oh, and then she dumped you? No, I dumped HER. You dumped her?
Yes. Really? Yes, it does happen. When was this? Couple of years ago.
Was that before or after you lost your virginity to the one who looked like Ronnie Corbett?
After, obviously, it was two years ago.
So you lost your virginity a long time ago then, did you?
Yes, I'm in my forties. I know but when? A long time ago. What age were you? Oh, I dunno. What, 16?
17?
Were you older than that? Oh, what is all these questions, I lost my virginity, full stop.
Why were you attracted to Ronnie Corbett? I wasn't! She just looked like Ronnie Corbett,
it was the bank's Christmas do, I was drunk, all right?
Oh, the bank's Christmas do? Yeah. But you didn't start working there till you were 28.
Who are you? Columbo?
Leave it.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Davina McCall.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Good evening and welcome to the British Academy Television Awards
and in front of me are a whole host of understandably anxious
stars, all wondering whether they're going to walk away with that most coveted of awards, the BAFTA mask.
Now to our first category this evening, it is the Lew Grade...
I also want to thank our inspiring and bossy boss...
And the BAFTA goes to, oh, my favourite, Jamie's Prison Dinners.
Thanks to a terrific production team,
you weren't a production team, you were family and thanks for everything...
Unlike newspapers, our TV newsrooms have to remain impartial,
at least theoretically anyway...
The winner is The Woman Who Gave Birth To Herself.
But right in my eye-line, on all fours like a dog...
The BAFTA goes to South Bank Show...
*** and Dom Special.
Oh. Well, hello.
All right. Everything all right here?
Erm, we could do with some more wine please, waiter.
Comedy gold, absolute comedy gold.
Thank you. I love it, no, actually here in an official capacity.
Oh, yeah? Er, a Best Drama nomination, for Paul Abbott's *** Of The North.
I imagine you saw it. I didn't.
I had quite a large part, it was good, but you know,
Best Drama, the Holy Grail as it were of BAFTAs.
But you're here with your sitcom aren't you? Yeah.
Yeah, well good luck, good luck. Yeah, and you mate.
And you deserve, you know, I understand it's very popular.
Yeah, yeah, good luck mate.
And the...yes, I'd better get back. See you later.
Drama crowd as it were.
Yeah. But, er, yeah.
Catch you later. Cheers mate.
Yeah. We are on air live in 45 seconds and counting.
Many of you at home... and in this room...
probably don't recognise Len Shearman but you'd certainly recognise his work.
Len was one of the most influential and passionate drama producers in the history of television
and in an industry famous for back biting and bitchiness... Excuse me.
Sorry. Hello, all right.
GLASSES RATTLE
Oh, for... Sorry I'm a bit late, I, er... Shut up!
Richard Briers.
I was late because I was waiting for this which is the prototype of the Ray doll.
I don't care.
There he is. Oh, who's gonna buy that?
Like I said before, stupid people.
Who are these stupid people? That is brilliant. Can you buy them? It's good, isn't it?
You will be able to buy them. DOLL: 'Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?
'Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?'
I was with Len only a few days before the end... 'Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?'
He didn't have long... 'Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?' Take the batteries out.
'Are you having a laugh?' Have you got a very tiny screwdriver?
His wife, he leaves his... loving wife... TOY CONTINUES TO REPEAT CATCHPHRASE
'Is he having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?'
'Is he having a laugh?'
TOY CONTINUES TO REPEAT CATCHPHRASE
Tacky ***.
APPLAUSE
Oh, dear, I think it's broken. Yeah, I think you're right.
Pull my trousers up.
Oh, hello. Andy's friend. Maggie. Yes, hi. Yeah.
Didn't introduce us so hello, pleased to meet you.
Hi.
God, you two used to go out? Oh, for about ten minutes.
Why did he let you go? Look at you, all lovely. Oh, thanks.
Bit of a catch for him. A man that didn't lose his virginity till he was 28 and that was to a woman
who looked like Ronnie Corbett so... God, what did you say to him when he said he couldn't go out
with you any more because he thought you were boring?
He, he said it was because I was boring?
(Mm-hm).
He told me it was because he'd just come out of
a long-term relationship and he wasn't ready for something else.
Not boring, he didn't say that you were boring, I think he said
that the BAFTA thing, kind of the ceremony, all the clapping was probably gonna be boring
cos, erm...
Coming up we have the prestigious BAFTA fellowship, but first the award for comedy performance.
So please, will you all welcome Harry Hill.
Commiserations again, Andy. I knew I wouldn't win. I'm not in it for the awards, well done though.
Still it's nice to have recognition from one's peers.
Listen, it's not really my business but have you considered doing something without a laughter track?
I think they're considered old-fashioned if you want to pick up one of these old gongs.
Not bothered, as I say not in it for the awards but, er...
Also, wigs and silly glasses, bit undignified for men of our age, don't you think?
Well, I don't think we're the same age but cheers. Looks desperate is all I'm saying.
I don't feel desperate.
As I say it's a knock-about comedy, I'm not into high-art so, er...
Yes, but as Oscar Wilde wonderfully put it,
"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars..."
He was probably looking up men's trousers, the old poof. Sorry?
He was looking up at the, er, stars...
Yeah. Yes, that's right. I'm off to look at some stars myself right now.
You'll be seeing stars in a minute. What? Nothing.
Why'd you keep coming back in?
Andy. What are you doing? Come in here, it's all kicking off in here.
I'm not coming in there, no. Come in here.
What are you doing, what?
Just come in.
Who's that?
Oh, hi.
How ya doing, all right?
Yeah. He's one of us, don't worry.
I'm not into this... No, it's all right, just have a bit, it'll cheer you up a bit.
What's going on in there?
HIGH PITCHED: I'm just finishing up, excuse me for five minutes.
Why are you doing a woman's voice? How many people are in there?
NORMAL VOICE: One. That's a different voice.
Two...including the woman that you just heard.
Open the door.
Right, let me explain, OK.
I was in here and I was leaving, and he put his...that's my agent.
Darren Lamb, nice to meet you.
You shouldn't say your name, never tell 'em your name. Well, don't...
All you need is who...
It was your fault. Why was it my fault?
Well, because they saw your head over the cubicle door.
They saw your head UNDER the cubicle door, but there's no point in arguing amongst ourselves, we're...
Well, well, well, the Three Stooges. Sorry, is something funny?
Your joke was excellent. Shut up.
Corbett.
It's always bloody Corbett.
I expect it of him but you're the new kid on the block. How'd you fall in with his crowd?
Is this it or is there any more?
Just a bit of whizz, you know, to blow away the cobwebs.
Yeah, hand it over then, come on.
And where'd you get it? I don't remember.
Now don't *** me about. Where'd you get it?
I don't remember.
Was it Moira Stuart?
I can't say.
Look, we don't want you.
Just give us a name, you can walk free.
You don't get it mate, do you? I don't remember.
All right, here's something you will remember.
You're banned from BAFTA, you can never win a BAFTA now.
Me as well? Yeah, all of you. Oh. You can never attend any of our events, you can't come to
the film BAFTAs, you can't come to the TV BAFTAs, you can't even come to the children's BAFTAs.
What about the Welsh BAFTAs?
Well, would you attend the Welsh BAFTAs if you were asked?
Probably.
OK, expect a call. Well, he'll come to the Welsh BAFTAs if you want him.
Yeah. Yeah, we're after you know, more respected comedians.
Makes sense. Get out of my sight, that's all of you.
"Makes sense."
Well...I reckon I could have had him in a fight. Yeah, you...idiot.
And the winner is...
Holby City.
Thank you all very, very much indeed.
I'd like to thank, er...
Is that the girl you lost your virginity to? Who?
The one that looks like Ronnie Corbett.
That IS Ronnie Corbett!
Why would she be wearing a tuxedo?
She might be a lesbian.
And why would I lose my virginity to a lesbian?
I don't know, she might have turned lesbian after you slept with her.
..I think we all say thank you for that, thank you to my partner, once again thank you, thank you all.
Well, I can never win a BAFTA as long as I live.
Why? I don't wanna go into it. This is a *** night.
Can't get any worse though. I'd just like to say to Andy Millman, right...
..I may be boring...
but at least I didn't lose my virginity when I was 28.
To a woman who looks like Ronnie *** Corbett.
Prick.
No explanations needed.
What's up next?
Huw Weldon award for Specialist Factual, brilliant.
# Bring tea for the tillerman Steak for the sun
# Wine for the women who made the rain come
# Seagulls, sing your hearts away
# Cos while the sinner sins, the children play
# Oh lord, how they play and play
# For that happy day, for that happy day... #
Oh, can we get a cab?
No, we'll walk. I'm joking, if we sell the dress we can get a limo.
Oh. Sorry, can I get your autograph please?
Sure. What's your name? It's Paul.