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Hey youtube its Hey Xay and I know its been a minute but I'm back now.
Tonight I want to address a topic that I feel is important because its quite dear to my
heart as it nearly tore me apart and remade me into a stranger that I couldn't recognize
the more I looked into the mirror. And I did this in order to pass and to be accepted amongst
the trans community, the black male community and so on and so forth. I just wanted a place
to be, and I thought that I needed to change who I was in order to allow that. In order
to find a space.
I've witnessed it countless times on youtube accounts and in person and it hurts every
single time because its so stifling to the spirit, to the soul, to become so quiet as
to not disrupt the illusions in OTHERS peoples lives..
Dying to Pass
I've received another message from Dominic on my Kik, if you all remember him from the
video I made previously, called, Addressing Dysphoria, parts one and two.
He's back with another situation he's facing, and -- before I continue -- as hard as these
times are for him, I'm glad that he doesn't give up and he continues searching for answers
wherever he can. Because again, its a sign of hope. It shows that he knows he can be
better than the situation he's currently in. And he just needs a little help as we It gets
better, it does. And we all need some help sometimes as we all do sometimes, and in this
community we definitely have to support one another and look out for one another.
So Dominic has messaged me saying how things were starting to look up for him but then
suddenly it began to go into the opposite direction all over again. He had been passing
well for awhile, with people calling him with masculine pronouns, but it suddenly seemed
to go in reverse, with people using feminine pronouns all over again.
Nic - Nic, I see it this way. We're here, in this country, on this planet, floating
somewhere in the middle of space. In the grand scheme of things, of all the things that are
happening everywhere in the world, to every person next to you and far away, it's not
that big an issue as to be so moved and so hurt by it that you begin to lose yourself
in the midst of it. And I don't say this to belittle your experiences by saying it shouldn't
hurt - because I know it does, I've been there, but YOU have to make the conscious decision
to not be so affected by it. That is up to you.
So by this point, Dominic has practically been dying to pass by excessively taping his
chest down and avoiding going places to avoid the humiliation of it all. Basically not reaching
his fullest potential and living his young life.
I, again, can certainly relate to it. I personally went through years of general anxiety, not
even just about my transition but anxiety in general, where even visiting a mom and
pops in an isolated town could make me terribly anxious and uncomfortable. So I spent a lot
of time to myself. Not going anywhere, not really having a lot of face to face interactions,
not doing the things I love, so I definitely feel what you're going through. We're here,
I understand you.
Also, in addition to that, he's also curious if he needs to adopt a more stereotypical
masculine appearance and behavior in order to be recognized as Dominic; because he says
he's soft and he's feminine, and as he put it, he's female.
I'm not going to try and argue with you on what you refer to yourself as or how you group
femininity and masculinity. But I want to say that femininity is not a trait of being
female, its a trait of being alive. Its just a way of being - behaving. And it can apply
to anyone at any time. No one is completely hard and no one is completely soft. We go
in and out of these different phases during different parts of our lives, so don't feel
like there's something wrong with you or you're lower or higher - wherever, just because you
might be a little softer than the next person.
I don't show it a lot in my videos but I am quite feminine - I am very feminine. A lot
of people would be surprised by how feminine I actually am, but I don't allow that to get
in the way of my interactions whenever I go into a situation because its just who I am.
Its like, who else can I really be but myself?
So first of all, in regards to you saying that you bind so much that its painful. I
want to say this and I say this very seriously. Do not do anything that harms you, for the
sake of others ideas, for their comfort or whatever. In the end, I want you to ask yourself,
is your overall health, not just not today but for the rest of your life, is it worth
it? To put your body through this kind of stress? Is it really worth it? Because I've
seen people who've cracked ribs, messed up their lungs and have done all kinds of things
to themselves because of the fact that they binded excessively.
And I just want to share that I'm not the largest chested guy but I did have enough
insecurity about it to where I DID bind, practically during any and every waking moment of my life
- after coming out of course. But it become so - in the way of everthing- that I eventually
had to look myself in the mirror and ask myself the question I just posed to you. Is it worth
it? Ultimately, is it worth it? Is the stranger in the store worth my ability to breathe?
Are people who don't provide *** for me, worth my bending and breaking my back in order
to assuage their fears and discomforts around gender and identity? Its not and I haven't
looked back ever since then, and I hope eventually you will do the same. Honestly, I believe
you will. You just need the time to allow yourself to go through these different phases
of your growth.
So I would really just recommend that you not sacrifice your overall health; your mental,
spiritual, emotional and physical health for this ***. You are bigger than this, I want
you to always remember that.
And two: You were asking about, you know, your presentation: do you need to change something
in order to be accepted as you are. I'm going to tell you, if being a pants sagging, tattoo
wearing, tryna be Little Wayne *mf* - if that's not you then don't be that guy! Don't even
consider it for a moment. You'll never feel whole or complete, you'll never find what
you're looking for because you're not being yourself as you enter into these spaces that
you're trying to seek wholeness within. So don't try and lie like that by mending yourself
to others in the way.
I mean, really, you need to sit down - get everybody to shut up and get everything to
be quiet, you need to sit down and be clear with yourself. Honesty and open, completely
nonjudgmental and say to yourself who you are and also who you know you can be. Because
you're in a situation right now and like I told you, you're much bigger than this and
you need to remind yourself, in your mind, that there's more to it than what you're seeing
right now, so keep your heart and eyes open for that matter.
I've shared a lot on my youtube over the years, and for those who have been following me for
quite some time now, know I've gone back and forth with depression and feeling hopeless,
between dysphoria and overall self acceptance. I've found myself in some pretty dark places
within myself because of the life I have lived; and I want you to remember that it is your
choice to seek the light. It is your choice to look beyond your current circumstances
and find reason to push on, to continue to becoming your truest self, no matter how much
of your energy it requires.
I have this quote right next to me on my wall - I'm not - I don't know if you can see it
but, I have this thing right here. What it says: "Never give up on something you can't
go a day without thinking about." So if you can't go a day without thinking about the
better you, being the bigger man that you know you are, all of that, then do not give
up on that person. You know you're in there and you need to ALLOW yourself to come out.
And I always say this, to myself and to people coming in my life who are facing obstacles,
especially right after we make the decision saying "yo, I'm going to do this" or "I'm
going to do that" and then we are faced with this obstacle that just blatantly throws in
your face what you're trying to get away from. And what I'm going to tell you is, do not
be afraid of the challenges that you may face because its just a test of your will. Its
a test to see how bad you really want it. And if you really want to be this person that
you keep messaging me in order to find within yourself, then don't stop. Whatever it is
you're doing, continue doing it, because it seems that you're actually doing pretty well
but sometimes you have moments of doubt. And honestly man I'm tellin' you that its just
a part of the process. Its okay man, we all go through it.
To Dominic and to all of those who may be watching at home or wherever you are, who
can relate. I really do hope you rise to your maximum, because you are bigger than the disrespect
and mistakes that people make. You're bigger than a pronoun and a label.
So I hope that gives you what you are looking for or what you need. So before I finally
go, I want to share with you two shortened quotes by Charles Swindoll, Charles R. Swindoll.
We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the
inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our
attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react
to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.
The pursuit of happiness is a matter of choice...it is a positive attitude we choose to express.
It is not a gift delivered to our door each morning, nor does it come through the window.
And it is certain that our circumstances are not the things that make us joyful. If we
wait for them to get just right, we will never laugh again."
― Charles R. Swindoll
So I hope that this video speaks to you in some way and that you can continue on to experience
the growth that I know you are going to experience. I would like to thank you all for watching
and I will talk to you later. Peace.