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NARRATOR: Previously on Weeds:
We can't get our weed back without a court.
I will help you. After I slam his ***
I can do this.
You're Pretty! will front you all the products you need
to put yourself on the road to financial freedom.
I can sell a lot more makeup if I give a free gift.
Oh, no. I can't steal their weed.
No, you just tell them that you got ripped off by black people.
They really wanna have sex.
Both of them? Use condoms.
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
NANCY: All I know is some Mexi-*** screeches at you
suddenly the marriage is off.
She is just protecting my public image.
No. Because she owns you.
I am the father of this child.
I couldn't put Esteban's name on the birth certificate.
So you put my name on it.
I'm not doing this for you. This is for me.
I want something that matters.
This is unacceptable. My son will be baptized.
Sorry, he's Jewish.
My son's not gonna be raised by that pendejo.
That pendejo sticks around. And he's not a coward.
[ESTEBAN SCREAMS]
[IN SPANISH]:
[GRUNTS]
[♪♪♪]
[ELECTRONIC BEEPING]
[WHISPERS] Andy?
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
I need the bed, Andy.
I made up the couch for you.
Soft.
Lots of blankets.
Great.
Enjoy it.
[GROANS]
No. Jesus.
So are you and Esteban over?
Looks that way.
He's pissed about the Jew thing, huh?
I have no idea, Andy. Why don't you ask him?
Can you turn off the light, please?
No. My bed, my rules.
Okay, there's some things I wanna say.
First, physical contact.
If we have to share a bed, don't even think about spooning me.
'Cause that's not happening.
Second. Pillows. I use three:
under the head, between the legs, and a hugger.
Third, night farts happen.
Especially since I've been dieting.
So beware when you lift the covers,
and don't expect apologies.
Andy!
I need sleep! One night of sleep! In a bed!
No sounds, no lights, nothing!
Fine. Well, just so you know, I'm not your rebound guy.
[BABY GURGLING ON MONITOR]
He's winding up. Go get him.
It's her night off.
You wanted to be a daddy.
This is your big chance. Night feeding.
It's where the big boys play.
This is just so you can have the bed.
Yes, it is.
There's breast milk in the fridge.
You can warm it up in the bottle
in a pot of hot water. And test it.
And don't forget to burp him. And sing. He likes that.
"Me and Mrs. Jones."
Seriously?
"We got a thing going on."
[BABY CRYING ON MONITOR]
[♪♪♪]
[BABY CRYING ON MONITOR]
[SIGHS]
Can you check on the baby?
I fed him.
He probably pooped. That's how babies work.
I was thinking that you could handle the poop
and I would amuse him by making funny faces.
You can make funny faces while you wipe his butt.
I'm gonna pump.
Okay.
[BABY CRYING ON MONITOR]
Ow! What? I just changed him.
He's hungry again.
He wants his mommy.
I'm empty, from the last pumping.
Go pop a bottle in his mouth.
Uh,
you're trying to break me, aren't you?
No. This is what parenting is.
*** and food.
***.
And food. Mostly ***.
Wiping ***.
Keeping them away from ***. Minimizing the external ***.
It's parenting. ***.
What above love?
It's there,
it's just buried under all the ***.
I still feel used.
Talk to me after you've had something
clamped to your breast every three to four hours.
You think I never had my nipples clamped?
Like I care. Go. He's crying.
Go, go.
[BABY CRYING ON MONITOR]
[♪♪♪]
So after the judge signs off on the release form
and after I get the pot back
from the cop at the evidence locker,
I put it in a black duffel.
I bought one just for this. I'm not gonna charge you for it.
Anyway, I threw it in the back of my car
but on my way home, Marine View Road is closed.
So I detour onto Pacific, but I didn't know
that it would take me to Chula Vista.
So I'm lost. I don't have GPS, so I stop at a gas station.
But the attendant only speaks Bengali
so I ask a couple of guys
selling stuffed tigers outside the mini-mart
if they know how to get back to Ren Mar.
Next thing I know, I wake up in the backseat.
They got everything. Your pot is gone.
I've got a crooked ***, and there's no pot?
Silas, you understand. Y-you know, it wasn't my fault.
I-I'm the victim here.
[STRUMMING GUITAR]
Hey, Shane.
Holy ***, nice bar.
Um, hi.
Go ahead, tell him.
Tell me what?
It hurts when we pee.
Or it might be chlamydia.
[ZIPPER UNZIPS]
See anything?
Nothing on the underside.
What's the white stuff under the head?
It's just lotion from this morning.
Nothing. I don't know.
Oh, ***. Okay, didn't see anything.
Have fun, kids. Have fun.
Nope, uh, I'm back.
Uh, can't allow this. Doesn't seem very responsible.
On the one hand, I approve of the triangle formation
and the daring use of spotlights.
I might have something.
We all have chlamydia.
Okay, everyone out.
Uh, Dancer, Prancer, go tell your own parents. Mm-hm.
Go, go. Don't have any *** encounters on the way home.
And, Shane, button up, and then we'll go get this checked out.
It's fine. It's nothing.
No, it's not fine. It's never nothing.
Sometimes it's nothing,
but only after you make sure that it's not something.
And then if it is something,
I'm sure that's it's something that can be fixed.
Oh,
yeah. Well, a couple times. I think.
If I can remember, but...
Take a deep breath.
Hold that breath.
And let it out slowly.
[ALL EXHALING]
Doesn't that feel good?
[SMOKE DETECTOR BEEPING]
Thank you, Danielle. Good aim.
Well, of course you do.
So am I smoking the mascara or the blush?
Winter's Kiss.
Winter's Kiss Powdery Blush.
And Pinky has...
Lucky Lash. Waterproof.
Lucky Lash Waterproof Mascara.
You sure I can put this on my credit card?
That's what makes this the best deal in town.
Your weed shows up as "beauty products"
on your credit card statement. No cash needed.
Smoke now, pay later.
What do you say? Are you feeling pretty?
WOMAN: Lady, I never feel pretty.
But right now I'm feeling good. I'll take one of everything.
Me too.
WOMAN: I got some friends that are pretty hard up
since that dry-cleaner pot club got shut down.
What about this?
You buy from me, and resell it to your friends.
The more you buy from me and the more they buy from you,
the sooner you're gonna pay off those credit cards.
[MURMURING]
Come forward and receive.
But first, business.
Everyone, let's see that plastic.
Oh, yeah.
Here you go.
This is great. No crying, no poop,
just a good old-fashioned STD scare.
This is my wheelhouse.
Well, I'm glad you're happy.
I'm in an LGBT clinic
waiting to see if my 14-year-old has a venereal disease.
I'm never having sex again.
Buddy, you gotta get back on that horse and ride.
No sex ever again.
Terrible idea.
Sex is awesome. I enjoy sex.
You enjoy sex.
Why shouldn't Shane enjoy sex? Right, Shane?
I just had a Q-tip in my *** hole.
Cotton-eyed Joe.
We've all been there. No big deal.
I got a cat hair lodged in my urethra one time.
It's not ***, a sleeping bag at Burning Man.
Cat girl. Oh, God.
No.
The last thing we need is another
Uncle Andy fractured fairy tale.
I don't want him thinking this is okay.
This is okay.
I don't want Shane living your life.
As opposed to yours?
You've been a good object lesson for him.
I've been a parent, not a friend.
High five.
He does, however, have an infection.
W-what kind of infection?
Candida. It's a yeast.
A yeast infection? Seriously?
I'm gonna prescribe some gentian violet to rub on your ***.
Or if you want the cheaper, over-the-counter option,
No, no, no.
We'll take violet over ***.
Money's no object for my nephew's object.
See, you're being a buddy,
Will you two stop?
I don't need a buddy or a parent right now. I need a pharmacist.
[♪♪♪]
[IN SPANISH]:
He'll be fine. Rite of passage. Thank you.
Granted not exactly the bar mitzvah
that he should have had.
Andy? A moment of silence, please,
while I continue to enjoy the sweet caress of alcohol
for the first time in far too long.
Okay.
Can I talk now?
Now?
So *** male yeast infection. That's crazy, right?
Who knew? It's like a cross-pollination sort of thing.
Mad cow. Hoof-and-mouth.
The human body is a complex and mysterious experiment.
It's a sewer.
You're still reeling from that diaper change.
That wasn't human. You didn't see that.
[SCOFFS]
I've seen it.
Well, he's Lupita's problem for the next couple hours.
Aw.
He's nobody's problem.
He's my son. My third son.
My third
son.
Yeah.
The little *** saved my life.
And he's pretty damn cute. Right?
Like sick, crazy cute.
These drinks are strong.
Why can't babies just talk?
They come out knowing how to breathe, talking should be a--
What do you call it? Involuntary action.
Imagine if Stevie could say:
"Hey, I got something in the pants.
Put me on the potty, stat!"
You'll learn to read the signs.
Oh, God. Should have pumped.
So they hurt, or...?
Yes. Hard.
Do you wanna go?
No.
It's my first time out. Hang-- Hang on a second.
[BURPS]
[MACHINE HUMMING]
[HUMMING FADING]
No way.
***.
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Okay, relax.
Okay, okay, okay.
Oh, *** it. *** it all to hell. ***. ***. ***.
[LAUGHS]
Andy?
Hi. Yeah.
Could--? Could you come in here? Yeah.
In the bathroom, yeah.
No.
[CHUCKLES]
No. Just-- Just shut up. Just come in here. Bye.
My dream is dead. Paradise lost.
We'll start over. I'll grow in the upstairs closet.
I did it, I can do it again.
This is America. You can't start over.
You get one chance. You blow it, that's it.
Adios, losers.
I am out of here for good.
For great.
New condo. Ocean view, covered parking.
Saltwater pool.
Good for you, Mrs. Hodes. Thanks for stopping by.
Thank you.
Yeah, good for you. Who you ***?
Nobody. Did this all on my own.
Selling You're Pretty! cosmetics.
And I am selling a shitload.
That *** makeup company?
Yeah, that *** is buying Mama a new life.
God, it's good to be back on top.
Engorged?
Engorged, it hurts. Please, I need you to suck it out.
I tried.
I tri-- I tried.
Please, be the baby.
I've done my share of role-playing before.
Some crazy, weird ***. I was a werewolf--
Okay, wait. Hold it.
Rum and milk.
Okay. Okay.
Here we go. Lips to nips.
Huh? Sorry.
Sorry.
Mm.
[SLURPING]
[SIGHS]
Okay. Spit, spit.
Ah. Ah.
Wow.
That's a really interesting flavor.
I imagined a spout, but it's like a showerhead. It's like--
You swallowed.
Yeah, well. I didn't wanna be a hypocrite.
[♪♪♪]
[BED SPRINGS SQUEAKING]
Andy?
Why is the bed moving?
Wow, I guess we had an earthquake.
You're jerking off.
I couldn't sleep.
So take a *** Ambien.
That's what I was doing.
Nature's Ambien, the old, tried and true male way.
Come. Sleep.
But I'm right here.
Well, I'm engorged. It hurts.
I need you to suck it out.
This is too *** weird.
Um,
I've seen you in the bathtub.
You watched me *** your sister.
I suckled you.
But this is too weird for you?
Which is why we should cling
to any last shred of normalcy that we can.
Okay. Just be two normal people.
Normal brother-sisters-in-law
sharing a house and a bed together,
raising a Mexican-American child.
Exactly.
Which means *** on our own time.
Yeah, because I'm swimming in that these days.
Today was a bath of me-time and personal space.
[BABY CRYING ON MONITOR]
Sounds like a feeding.
I'll get this. Go ahead.
Take your Andy time.
Um,
Can Andy time be about 15 minutes?
Just keep it on that side of the bed.
Just so you know,
if you wanna rub one out in bed,
I totally get that, and I'll stay
way over on my side. You won't even know I'm here.
I just had a baby less than two weeks ago.
The father of my child might be gone for good.
So rubbing one out isn't exactly at the top of my list.
But thank you.
All right. Just wanted to reciprocate.
Hey, when-- You weren't thinking about--
Don't flatter yourself.
Here.
For when you...
burp.
[♪♪♪]
Go ahead, sweetheart. Share. This is a safe place.
Well, he says that I can't do anything on my own.
He says no one will hire me.
That I'm too stupid to have a job.
He calls me Dummy-No-Jobby.
And whenever his friends come over, he--
He what? Locks you in the closet?
Dresses you like a maid?
Go ahead Dummy-No-Jobby, finish the story.
What happened?
Ahem. May I help you, sir?
Yeah. I wanna make a lot of money
selling your face chemicals.
Well, we don't carry products for men.
So please leave the way you came in.
What? You're kicking me out?
What, because I'm not some bored housewife? What's that?
Sir, You're Pretty! is for women who have been marginalized
and disenfranchised, and who have never been allowed
the opportunity to succeed.
Well, I need the opportunity to succeed.
Please leave. Mm.
Okay. If you wouldn't mind
opening your incentive booklets to Page 5.
Okay. Okay. I see the game here.
I'm gonna sue you for *** harassment. How about that?
That too.
I demand you let men sell makeup.
[SCOFFS]
[MURMURING]
Okay. Look, ***,
I'll hook you up with a starter kit
if you get the *** out. You're blowing my gig.
Starter kits are for ***.
You think you can handle a full order?
Damn right, full order. Fill me up.
I want those incentive booklets too, so I have incentive.
I dig ***.
Me too. Wanna go out?
Buy three full orders and I'll think about it.
Okay? You have a pretty day now. Hm.
Very pretty.
[♪♪♪]
Heh.
[IN SPANISH]:
He drank four ounces.
Nice.
You think that'll translate into four hours?
Let us pray.
I can't.
I'm too tired.
[SIGHS]
Interesting.
How did you get in here?
You are in bed together.
Chill out. Look. Ahem. Pillow wall.
And a small house. Few rooms.
It's fine. I'm not threatened.
Well, maybe you should be threatened.
I have something to tell you.
So tell me.
Alone.
I'm not leaving. This is my bed.
Say what you have to say.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Marry me.
We've had this discussion before.
I would like to have it one more time.
Never gonna happen, pal.
Andy, would you give us a second?
It's my *** room.
Okay.
Let's go downstairs for a minute.
ANDY: Yeah, do that.
I'm going back to bed.
I need my beauty rest.
[♪♪♪]
What are they saying?
SHANE: I can't hear that well.
I'll give you a dollar if you go find out.
What the *** am I gonna do with a dollar?
Twenty bucks.
Because I don't care.
Now, get the *** out there and find out what's going on.
NANCY: I'm gonna wind up secretly engaged to you
until Steven asks me who his real father is?
We will get married. Now.
Steven will know who his father is.
Suddenly everything's fine.
[SIGHS]
Last night I had dinner with the woman I'm supposed to be with.
Wow, okay. *** you.
No, no, no. She knows the right people.
She says the right things. She wears the right clothes.
She's the perfect candidate's wife.
But she turned you down, so now you're here?
I love you, so I'm here.
And you love me. So I'm here.
And we have a beautiful baby together.
So I am here.
And I am staying here.
[GUNSHOT]
Get down.
Mom?
[♪♪♪]