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(ZOSKY LAUGHS WICKEDLY)
ZOSKY: Yes, its Planet *** Tube,
the only planet with every television channel in the solar system.
These guys are the swankiest.
Theyre full of broozoofs, they have got the hottest hot tubs,
and the sportiest sports cars.
KAPUT: Dont touch that dial!
This is exactly the type of programming I need.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING) Take a look at these guys! They must be the new anchormen!
They look more like a couple of game-show hosts to me!
You got it, Valley girl!
Tell us where the big boss is, or Ill liposuction your face!
Oh, you must mean the Program Director?
On the top floor of that skyscraper!
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
We would like to see the Program Director! Now!
Who may I announce?
Kaput and Zosky, the worst sharks in the Universe.
Sir, there are two producers here to see you.
PROGRAM DIRECTOR: Let them in.
Okay, get lost, ya pile of crud! You are fired!
No! No, no, no!
The concept is too violent!
The audience wants sensitive, emotional material!
After you, my dear Program Director.
No, no, no you first, my dear Program Director.
From the bottom of my heart, I thank you.
I have been promoted to Program Director, thanks to you!
What are you talking about?
Ive been the late Program Directors assistant for the past 45 years.
Now that he has, passed on, I automatically take his place.
Thats how it works here on Planet *** Tube.
You... Oh? Is that all? Thats all right, then!
She thinks that shes...
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
ZOSKY: There! Hes under the table! Get him! Get him!
Behind the chair, come on... Come on. Get him, get him, nail him!
Peek-a-boo!
Wait! Wait! Wait! There must be a solution...
You cant just kill me... Wait.
What if we asked the High Council of Sages for an opinion on this?
What are you talking about?
The Council controls all the programming on Planet *** Tube.
They can surely arbitrate our slight disagreement.
I dont need any arbitration. I dont follow any rules.
Kaput, think it over for a second! We cant slaughter 5 billion people.
It could take hours! And who would we dominate if theres no one left after that?
And where is this High whatchamacallit of yours?
(CHATTERING)
I proclaim the Annual Hearing Oven!
Open, Mr. President! Open.
Thats right, open! Bring in the first brain fizz!
Plaintiff, Mr. President! The first plaintiff...
Honorable members of the Academy,
these two maniacs seated before us
tried to rob me, of my deserved position.
Using force!
That isnt very nice. Thats a bad thing to do.
Course it is, were bad. Thats what we do.
(STAMMERING) Were bad, but, we have a, ton of great ideas.
For example, we could do a show about people who've lots to say
about things they know nothing about.
Or a show where we ask questions, like "What color is your hair?"
And if they answer correctly, they win a spaceship.
Or a hot tub!
Pathetic! Ive never heard such a bad concept.
Yes, I like it, it's marvelous! Its so terrible, everyone'll love it for sure!
Gentlemen, the Academy immediately and with no hesitation
proclaims you the new Program Directors!
KAPUT: Oh! It's unbelievably good!
(CHATTERING)
Greetings, my trendy friends!
Mister Program Director!
Such a pleasure to meet you Sir.
Your ideas are fantastic!
I love your work.
Stop! Enough shmoozing!
You, the dwarf, go get me some appetizers.
What do you want?
He's with the ***. Politically Correct Police.
As a Program Director, you must set an example.
You mustnt call this gentleman a "dwarf,"
but a "vertically challenged living being!"
Yeah, you wish, ya pile a crud.
KAPUT AND ZOSKY: Hey!
(BOTH GASP)
Im sorry. You are also forbidden to use any form of violence!
(GROWLS IN ANGER)
(BLEEPING) Why you pile a crud?
(BLEEPING) You maggot!
What, whats with the beeping!
Sorry, but all profanity will be censured!
(BLEEPING) Freaking Planet!
Thats enough. You've gone beyond the politically correct limits.
You leave us no choice!
BOTH: Huh?
You will be edited!
What a bunch of maggots!
Hey! We can say "maggots" again!
BOTH: Yeah! Maggots! Maggots! Maggots! Maggots! Maggots! Maggots! Maggots!
ZOSKY: Wait, Kaput. Pee pee, poo poo.
KAPUT: Oh me too, me too.
(BOTH LAUGH HYSTERICALLY)
KAPUT: Planet Mudhole! Nothing but leeches, slugs, and wimps.
(CHUCKLES) An easy conquer.
(YAWNS)
You know, Kaput, all these journeys through space,
theyre really beginning to get to me. You?
Nah, you know me, having a nice little massacre to look forward to
is always enough to keep me going.
What if we built robots to invade for us?
They could do all the work and we could move in after the slaughter.
After the slaughter? Wed miss all the fun!
OK, how about this. We leave some of the inhabitants unharmed.
Some can serve us. Some you can slaughter.
Hmm, sounds like a plan.
(BOTH LAUGH MANIACALLY)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
KAPUT: Whats the name of this planet again?
ZOSKY: Mudhole.
Okay, lets get to work. Our robots wont build themselves.
(LOUD FOOTSTEPS)
ZOSKY: This is an invasion, surrender now and no one will get hurt.
We come in peace, this is an invasion.
KAPUT: You bunch of maggots.
ZOSKY: We come in peace. This is an invasion.
KAPUT: Yeah, you bunch of maggots.
A little pre-recorded propaganda does wonders.
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
Ladies and gentlemen of Mudhole.
You may bow before us, we are your new kings!
That cant be, we already have a king.
Not for long, you dont! Bring him to us.
Thats impossible. We never know where he is.
Hes invisible. Hes a ghost.
(LAUGHING) Do you hear that, Kaput?
They have a ghost king! Booga-booga!
(LAUGHS) What a joke!
Ghosts dont exist, do they?
There we are. This is what I call the good life!
Yeah. Say, do you believe in ghosts, Zosky?
Oh no, dont start that again!
Listen. The old guy told me about their old king, you know, the Invisible One.
The only time you can see him is when he slips into an object,
You know, he moves them, ordinary objects.
Well there, like that frying pan there, floating in the air there!
(SCREAMS)
PAN: You have besmirched my kingdom. Enslaved my subjects with your machines!
You will be forever damned!
ZOSKY: And you will be forever a sieve.
No, dont touch it!
Relax, its a frying pan. Nothing more than that.
Well, in the meantime, Im not going anywhere without my robot!
(SNORING)
Are you asleep? Hey ya know, the great thing about buddies,
I mean real buddies, is that you can count on them.
(CLANKING)
What? Whos there?
(LAUGHTER)
Run for your lives!
WATERING CAN: Oh, I can't take this any more!
Reduced to existing inside common household items.
What a sorry fate...
Your fate is the trash heap!
Look. Hes as flat as a pancake!
(YAWNS) Oh really, is it breakfast time already?
KAPUT: No, the ghost! He won't be causing any trouble any more.
ZOSKY: Okay, Ill go back to bed then.
(MALICIOUS LAUGHTER)
ZOSKY: All right, heres todays program, enslavement through pain.
Go get your robot.
Wait a minute, I cant find my remote control.
(SCREAMING)
What do you think youre doing?
Its not me, I swear!
There! Your remote control...
KAPUT: The ghost! Run for your life!
(PANTING)
Theres just one solution. My robot. Itll be faster!
Will this teach you not to leave your stuff lying around?
(ROBOT IN KAPUT'S VOICE REPEATING) Surrender now you bunch of maggots.
(SCREAMING)
I didnt know I looked so mean.
Wait a minute! Im gonna serve him one of my patented backdoor cheap-shots.
No, that wont work. I programmed him for karate,
kung fu, jiu jitsu, kick-boxing and synchronized swimming.
(GRUNTING)
KAPUT: So, now do you believe in ghosts?
Come on. Theres a logical explanation for everything that happened back there.
Yeah? Well, Im not taking my eyes off my crisperizer.
Big baby.
Boo!
(SCREAMS)
(KAPUT LAUGHING)
ZOSKY: Boo!
(KAPUT GASPS)
Hey, a square planet.
(ZOSKY LAUGHS)
ZOSKY: Thats Dunceville! Its inhabitants are said to be the dumbest in the Galaxy.
Exactly what we need. They will be our slaves. Lets go!
Like taking candy from a baby.
Hello. What is the purpose of your stay?
Yeah, to invade this planet and to put all its inhabitants into slavery.
Sounds good. Welcome to Dunceville, and best of luck!
He took that pretty well dont ya think?
Tell me, my good man, what color was Henri the Fourths white horse?
Uh...
Im sorry, Sir, I cant help you with that.
Thats all right, my good man, thank you.
(GIGGLES)
Were okay, they are incurably and absolutely dumb.
(CHATTERING)
BOTH: Silence!
We are your new masters.
From now on, you are our slaves. Understood?
Whats a master? Whats a slave?
Well, a master is a butt kicker, and a slave is a butt kickee!
Oh, I see...
It doesnt look like he gets it. Maybe I should give him a demonstration.
Freeze, or you are a dead donkey!
(SNIFFS)
Metally.
Hes not even scared.
Scared? What does that mean?
I think we have a small problem!
Actually, we have a huge problem.
How can we dominate people who cant grasp the simplest concepts?
So what do we do? I mean, shoot at will?
No!
We educate them.
We teach them about fear and suffering.
Then, we can dominate them through a rule of terror!
From now on, we are your teachers. Learning will be painful,
you will suffer, there will be iron discipline, late-comers will be punished!
We will be merciless!
(CHEERING)
(YELLS) Silence or I'll crisperize everyone.
Calm down, Kaput! Patience is the basis for all teachings.
If you want to say something, you raise your hand!
Not all at once. One at a time!
Yes? Yes? You over there? Next. Yes? Yes?
(YELLS) Now, that's enough!
Or else your teacher might get impatient.
Why dont you go take care of the practical projects?
Every nation needs a sovereign.
How do you recognize sovereign? Very simple.
Hes the one with the crisperizer!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
(SIGHS) Yes?
(STAMMERS) Whats a crisperizer?
Oh!
And that's how at the beginning of time, Kaput and Zosky
created the Universe and all the planets in our solar system.
There. Any questions?
Would you mind taking him on? Hes just not getting it, and he is slowing the others down.
Fear is the basis for everything.
When you are afraid, your hair stands on end and teeth chatter.
(IMITATES TEETH CHATTERING)
And you get the shivers. Your turn!
(IMITATES SHIVERING)
(ALL SHIVER)
Okay. Not bad for a first.
But were gonna have to work on it.
And now, Suffering! You, come over here and scream.
(SCREAMS WEAKLY)
Louder! We cant feel your pain! Try it again.
(CLEARING THROAT)
(SCREAMS WEAKLY)
I cant believe this. How come I end up with all the morons?
Come on, try it again, you maggots!
(SCREAMS IN PAIN)
(ALL IMITATE KAPUT SCREAMING)
Thats not funny! All right, everybody go stand in the corner!
(ALL EXCLAIM EXCITEDLY)
(SHIVERING)
Everythings going great. Soon theyll be totally conditioned for obedience.
Good, 'cause Ive had it with theory.
I prefer practice...
(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)
"Come save us. We are in the basement." What's this?
(DOOR OPENS)
Do you see what I see?
Who are you?
Were invaders, just like you...
Be very careful, theyre very dangerous!
(LOUD BRAYING)
Sorry, Gentlemen, schools out!
Donkeys are dumb, arent they?
Thats what you and your like have always thought!
(STAMMERS) Not at all! Ive always admired donkeys,
even the dumb ones, not that I think theyre dumb per se.
You lie!
ZOSKY: You didnt teach them anything about revolt, did you!
(SCREAMS)
Wow, look, a bird!
ALL: Huh?
KAPUT: So, were they dumb or not?
You see, Kaput, there're people who are stupid and who know it
and then there are those who are stupid and dont know it.
Yeah! And us?
Oh, yes well, you and me? Well, were not stupid!
Oh, yeah...
You still havent told me what color whats-his-names white horse was?