Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
(male narrator) Here's what happened last week on "Welcome Back Kotter."
What's all this joke business about?
Last night Vinnie here went to the comedy connection
a place that features new comedians with old jokes.
Did you ever think about maybe performing there?
Being a comedian to me is always been like a secret dream.
Didn't you tell us so we can go
for that brass ring, just to grab it?
- Yeah. - Well?
Alright, I'll do it. This Sunday night.
You know, in my day, I was a champion heckler.
Number 42. They've probably heard every joke in the world.
[cheering]
- I got a million jokes. - Oh, yeah?
Why don't you take the rest home in a doggy bag?
Give him a chance.
I'm sorry. I'm not a comedian. I shouldn't be up here.
[laughing]
I'm in the night club division.
We're always looking for new talent.
You put these kids in your routine
you got yourself a nightclub act.
Here he is...Gabe Kotter.
[all cheering]
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm a school teacher in Brooklyn
I got this crazy bunch of students
they call themselves the "Sweathogs."
[all laughing]
Up your noses with rubber hoses.
[applauding]
Alright, quiet, everybody. Quiet, I have an announcement..
...for Mr. Gabe Kotter.
It's goodbye teaching, hello show business.
[all applauding]
Stay tuned for part two of Welcome Back Kotter.
[John Sebastian singing "Welcome Back"]
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪
♪ Well the names have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams have remained And they're turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪
♪ Here where we need ya ♪
♪ Here where we need ya ♪
♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back, welcome back welcome back ♪♪
[theme music]
I just can't believe this is happening.
Mr. Kotter is really leaving.
This man, this man who made me everything I am today.
It was Mr. Kotter?
I thought it was a hit and run driver.
Oh, come on, we can't let Kotter know how bummed out we are.
Yeah, little Juan is right.
Gentlemen, we must be brave. We're not losing a teacher.
Mike Douglas is getting a co-host.
Alright, Horshack, just let me give you some advice, okay?
Now, this is what I do when I ain't gonna see
someone I really like no more, okay.
I pretend they're dead.
This way, this way if they don't call me
I don't get mad at 'em.
And people say he's not deep.
Let's see our presents here, Freddie.
I've got every one for y'all.
At the top of the list, my personal choice
a mustache comb. Check it out.
Who'd wanna use a mustache comb?
My Aunt Helen.
Sometimes, she even uses wax.
Oh, Freddie, did you get my needlepoint framed?
Yeah, I've got it right here. The Sweathog motto.
"Whatever it is, I didn't do it."
Oh, this is, this is real nice here, Angie.
Thanks.
Only thing, you forgot the Sweathog emblem
of a teacher having a nervous breakdown, you know.
[babbling]
This is so sad.
This is so sad, you know.
It reminds me of that episode of Lassie that I saw.
When-when-when Lassie was caught in that coal mine
and Timmy went out to look for her.
And she-he-he kept on saying, "Lassie, Lassie, where are you?"
All the coal's coming down on Lassie's nice fur coat, right.
And Timmy kept on saying, "Lassie, where are you?"
And then, Lassie's little paw went up in the air, right.
And he said.. Lassie said..
[barking]
She said, "Timmy, I'm down here."
I wanna tell you something. That Lassie's some actor.
[bell ringing]
Good morning.
- Hi, Mrs. Kotter. - What you doing here?
Well, where's Mr. Kotter?
Overcome with grief in the hall?
Mr. Kotter couldn't be here.
He was halfway out the door and his agent called and said
he had to go to this big audition.
He hopes you understand, guys.
Oh sure, we do.
As soon as they become a hit, they forget the little people.
Hey, that's not Mr. Kotter we know and disobey.
He's a big phony now, ain't he?
I bet he's around, around a corner deli
eating a sandwich named after him.
Yeah. Ham on ham.
With a side of baloney.
Okay, guys, now none of that is true.
He just wanted me to come--
To what? To drop by?
- Pick up his presents? - Forget the presents.
Take them back to the store where you stole 'em.
Uh, Mr. Woodman, those presents are for Gabe.
He's gone. It's over. Forget Gabe.
I've got you a new teacher outside in the hall.
What's he doing there?
Saying goodbye to his next of kin.
Hi, honey.
Hi, honey. Hi, Mr. Charnoff.
Pete. From now on, it's Pete. Just think of me as family.
Oh, that's just what I need. An agent-in-law.
- How's my baby? - Okay.
- How'd the interview go, honey? - Alright.
Oh, alright.
I'm telling you, Schultz went right through the roof.
He was on the floor.
How can he go through the roof if he was on the floor?
He lives in a duplex.
- Did he like you? - I don't know.
The man had this big cigar, he stood there for 20 minutes
I told him about the Sweathogs and he just choked on his cigar.
[grunting]
You kiddin'? That's how Schultz laughs.
He loved you.
You got five chokes, three gasps and a wheeze.
Sounds like if he liked you any better
you could call the paramedics.
Forget about the show. How'd it go with the Sweathogs?
Well, honey, they were disappointed.
Uh, I left as soon as the substitute got there.
Poor guy.
It's gonna be rough to talk with a desk in your mouth.
Desk in mouth?
That's funny stuff. I'm screaming.
- You're screaming? - Yeah.
- In here. In here, Julie. - Uh, you better watch it.
We don't wanna wake the babies up.
[knocking on door]
That's funny..
- Be quiet, so you.. - 'Yeah.'
Mr. Kotter, we've got somethin' we wanna discuss with you.
Well.
Listen, guys, why don't you come in and sit down?
Now, you know Mr. Charnoff?
Yeah, sure.
He's the guy who feels it right here.
I felt it in there a couple of times.
Usually after a bad meatball sandwich.
Uh, look, Mr. Kotter.
We've collected all of our thoughts
put them down on this here piece of paper
and now, I'm just gonna read 'em to you.
"Dear Mr. Kotter, don't go."
Don't go? That's-that's what you call a speech?
It's like President Lincoln showing up at Gettysburg
and saying, "Hey, guys, don't fight."
Listen, I think what Juan said was fine.
I can see what's going on here and it chokes me up.
Yeah. I can feel it, right here.
Yeah?
Well, how'd you like to feel it right here?
Juan! Come on, sit down.
Look, you guys don't want me to go.
And I'm really touched by that.
Well, we don't want you to stay forever.
Just till we graduate.
Yeah, what's another 10 or 20 years?
Guys, look. What happens after you graduate?
- I can't stay with you forever. - You can't?
Well, nobody told me that.
Oh, Mr. Kotter, we could grow old together.
The two of us, riding on buses at half fare
listening to Lawrence Welk.
Throwing prune pits at each other.
That's funny, Arnold. Maybe I'll use that in my act.
Let's get out of here. Tired of being a punch line.
- Yeah, let's leave. - It's been a pleasure.
Hey, guys. Hey, look, we can still be friends.
Come over anytime you want. This door will always be open.
Uh, what for? You need some more material?
I guess that's all we were to you, huh, Mr. Kotter?
Jokes that passed in the night.
Arnold? Hey, guys?
Boy, I never thought they'd take it this hard.
Why don't you tell her the good news?
- What good news, honey? - I'll tell her later.
You know, I really thought they'd understand.
Listen, the deal's almost set.
Thirty-two glorious weeks on the road.
I don't wanna spoil the surprise.
You tell her.
Check you later.
"Thirty-two glorious weeks on the road?"
The guy has to come to see me tonight.
Boy, I hope they don't do anything crazy.
Did you take it, Gabe?
Maybe I should go after them, huh?
Did you take it, Gabe?
Yes. If he offers it, I'm gonna take it.
- I was gonna tell you. - Oh, when?
On the plane to Peoria?
You weren't there. What'd you want me to do?
Oh, that's right.
And I suppose you and Pete felt it in here.
What's the matter?
I started this scrapbook for you.
Let me know what happens after page one.
[door slams]
Julie?
Julie?
Julie?
Esther, hi. Can you be here in a half hour?
Fine. Okay. Sure. I'll see you in a half hour.
Right. Okay, the formula's asleep
and the twins in the refrigerator.
I mean.. You know what I mean, Esther, okay?
Alright, I'll see you then. Bye.
Julie? Are you coming out of the bedroom?
Julie, you can't stop a scrapbook on page one.
You dirty rat.
Mmm, alright, come out of that bedroom.
Mmm, otherwise it's curtains for you..
...'cause I got a rod and it's a curtain rod.
Aah.
If you don't to get out, I'm gonna do wife jokes
The joke's about you tonight.
Good evening, ladies and gentleman.
My wife is so skinny
she's gotta run around in the shower to get wet.
Did you hear that one, Julie?
You wonder what kind of cook my wife is?
Flies come to my house to commit suicide.
Did you hear it, Julie?
You know, my wife makes waffles.
She throws the batter on the floor
and runs over it with hot sneakers.
Out of hibernation, darling?
Gonna tell wife jokes, Gabe?
Well, I could tell some husband jokes.
And they'd all be true.
Like the one about how you won't take a shower
without your snoopy washcloth?
A total fabrication.
How you won't buy a pair of pajamas
unless it has the feet in them..
...and a back flap?
This is great stuff. We can do an act together.
We can be the next great husband and wife team.
Next Burns and Allen.
No. I'd just like to be the old Gabe and Julie.
Julie? I didn't mean to make you mad.
Honey, it is not as much that I care
whether the twins and I go on the road with you
as much as I wanna be included in the decision.
You're right. And I'm sorry.
You just have to realize when your dreams start coming true
it's hard to think rationally.
There's a guy offering me $600 a week
to do what I wanted to do my whole life.
I said "yes" before he could change his mind.
Does that mean that every time there's an offer of more dollars
you're just gonna grab at it without consulting me?
I'm sorry, honey. It'll never happen again.
Can I help it if my agent is a fast talker?
You can say that.
I've never met a man with a suede tongue before.
Suede tongue? That's funny.
Okay, from now on, you and me 50-50, right?
Okay. We share everything.
- We share everything. - Right.
Now, why don't you go change your 50% of the twins?
I don't have to. See, Esther's coming over.
The formula's asleep and the twins are in the refrigerator.
Honey, you were great.
You're getting better all the time.
I know.
My act's not bad either.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't wear yourselves out, kids.
Gabe's got a second show to do.
Oh, Mr. Ten Percent. How's it goin'?
I better see if Schultz got here yet and get him a good table.
If your second show goes half as well as your first
'you're in.'
Listen, your material's outside. They wanna come in.
The Sweathogs? Let 'em in.
Okay.
- Hey, how you doin', Freddie? - Peace, peace.
Look at you, guys.
Hey, you guys out there for the first show?
Nah, nah, nah. The hip crowd always hits the late show.
I'm proud of you. Look how nice they look.
They got dressed up and everything.
Freddie, you look great.
- You like my suit? - Uh-huh.
Nice suit, right? I got it from my friend.
He's in the dry cleaning business.
My friend
he gives me first pick on anything left over 30 days.
Hey, Gabe. That's a funny joke.
Dry cleaning. You oughta use it in your act.
"Use it in the act?"
This backstage banter is so exciting.
You know, I once saw Captain Kangaroo waiting for a cab.
[laughing]
He didn't see me.
Hey, Arnold, shut up, huh?
So we can tell Mr. Kotter the real reason we came here.
Well, I'm sorry.
It was a very important moment for me.
Well, you had your moment. Now it's over.
Hey, what'd you guys come to see me about?
We want to let you know how happy we was
about your newfound career and all
and to wish you mazel tov.
Well, thanks, that's really nice of you.
How about you guys? How's it going?
Oh, um, everything is great.
- Perfect. - Couldn't be better.
Yeah, it's real good.
Of course, we did miss you at first.
That was until we got our new teacher.
Oh, I bet you've givin' him a real hard time, aren't you?
Oh, not him, Mrs. Kotter...her.
[laughing]
Her?
They gave you guys a women teacher?
Wow!
Vinnie means yes.
I never knew school could be so...stimulating.
Alright, uh, she might be pretty, but, uh..
the important thing is if you guys learned anything?
Yes, we are.
We learnt that your legs got a lot to be desired.
Hey, you're gonna come back after the show to say "hello?"
Nah, nah. I don't think so.
I mean I gotta get up early for school.
I don't wanna be late.
If you catch my drift.
Well, we gotta go. See you later.
- Take it easy. - Hasta la vista.
Tommie Lasorta.
Well, uh..
...they seem to be really enjoying their new teacher.
Yeah, they do. You a little jealous?
(male #1) 'I told you to walk by, you can't go in there.'
Come on, Gabe Kotter's a close personal friend of mine.
Kotter, would you tell this punk you know me?
Oh, he's alright. He's my wife's hairdresser.
Very funny, Kotter. Save it for the stage.
I've gotta talk to you.
Sure, Mr. Woodman. Sit down.
It's about the Sweathogs. They've gone crazy.
Mr. Woodman, the Sweathogs were just here.
They seemed fine.
Uh, they were just putting on an act.
Kotter, they went berserk ever since you left school.
First, they put casters under all the office machines
and started a demolition derby.
[laughing]
You think that's funny, Julie?
Well, the school nutritionist wasn't laughing
when they locked him in the frozen food locker.
If that wasn't bad enough
they tried to take his temperature
with a meat thermometer.
Oh! How awful.
Funny, but awful.
No, it wasn't. It was wonderful.
What? Did you just say, "It was wonderful?"
It was a chance to punish with abandon.
I gave out more pink slips in one day than I did..
...in eight years.
It was Woodman's golden reign of terror.
That glorious time is gone.
What's goin' on now?
Now, they won't do anything.
They're withdrawn. They're depressed.
They're like extras in the zombie movie.
Kotter, I'm only gonna say this once and
it's too humiliating to repeat.
Say what?
- We need you. - What?
Oh, come on, Kotter. Don't, don't torture me.
I'm not trying to torture. I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.
We need you, alright. You're happy now?
I'm a broken man, you ***.
You wanna hear it again? We need you.
We need you! We need you!
I never thought that I would see the day
that Mr. Woodman says he needs me.
Well, I'm glad he finally admitted it.
How about those guys, huh?
Coming in here and putting on a number like that?
I know, their act was better than yours is.
What're you gonna do, honey?
As Vinnie Barbarino would say, "I'm so confused."
- What do you think I should do? - I think you should go back.
Those kids love you, honey, and you love teaching.
You're right.
But how can I now? I mean what do I tell 'em?
Look, guys, when your dreams come true
you just forget about it.
Julie, if I go out there and do good
that's 32 weeks on the road.
But if you go out there and do bad
that's back to the classroom.
How am I gonna do bad? I've been doin' good every night..
I heard of bombs, Mr. Kotter.
But what you did last night, that was a nuclear explosion.
Hey, Mr. Kotter, um
they've got a review of your act right here in the newspaper..
...in the obituary column.
Mr. Kotter, it was a noble effort.
At least you tried.
Yeah, he should be tried and convicted for jokes slaughter.
[all laughing]
Okay, if you've had your fun can I get back--
I agree, Kotter. Especially after last night.
It was the first time I ever saw an audience
jump up and form a posse.
You know, Mr. Woodman walked out three times.
Twice on you and once on the check.
Well, straighten up, Kotter.
You're lucky to have your old job back.
Step outside a minute.
Yeah, okay. I'll be right back.
Kotter, you couldn't have been worse last night if you tried.
- Did you? - Did I what?
Did you bomb out on purpose?
What's the difference, Mr. Woodman?
Look, I got a chance to live out a dream.
That's the important thing.
Well, your dream is over.
You better get back to your nightmare.
[laughing]
[instrumental music]
Well.
Guess that's the end of your show business career.
Not quite. Story time.
[sighs] Which uncle?
Pick one.
- Uncle Herbert. - Uncle Herbert. Okay.
One day Uncle Herbert's in a movie theatre.
He starts crawling around under the seats.
Usher comes up and he says
"Sir, what're you doing crawling around under the seats?"
Uncle Herbert says
"I lost a piece of butterscotch caramel."
'Keeps on crawling under the seats.'
"Yes, sir, what is so important
about a piece of butterscotch caramel?"
My Uncle Herbert looks up and says
"My teeth are in it."
[John Sebastian singing "Welcome Back"]
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪
♪ Well the names have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams have remained And they're turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪
♪ Here where we need ya ♪
♪ Here where we need ya ♪
♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back, welcome back welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back, welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪♪