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[ APPLAUSE ]
[ CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING ]
[ BELL DINGING ]
>> [ GRUNTING ]
[ DONKEY BRAYING ]
[ POP! POP! ]
>> OHH!
>> ♪ AH, AH, AH ♪
[ MOOSE GRUNTS ]
>> HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
[ BELL TOLLS ]
>> [ CUCKOOS ]
>> ♪ AH, AH, AH ♪
[ BOWLING PINS RATTLING ]
[ CAMEL GRUNTS ]
[ HORSE NEIGHS ]
>> ♪ AH, AH, AH ♪
[ NOISEMAKERS HONKING ]
>> Announcer: RUSSELL PETERS!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Peters: HEY, GOOD EVENING,
FOLKS.
WELCOME.
I'M YOUR HOST, RUSSELL PETERS.
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
DON'T STARE AT ME LIKE THAT.
[ DRUM BANGS ]
THANK YOU.
IT'S WHAT I NEEDED -- REGGAE
TONE TO CHANGE MY MOOD.
MUSIC THAT IS NO LONGER BEING
MADE.
NICE.
GOOD TIMES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ALL RIGHT, UH...
WHAT A NICE-LOOKING BUNCH OF
PEOPLE.
HOW YOU GUYS DOING OVER THERE?
INDIAN GIRLS -- THAT'S NICE.
IF YOUR PARENTS EVER SEE THIS,
YOU'RE DEAD.
DO YOU REALIZE THAT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU ARE GONNA GET MARRIED BEFORE
THE SHOW'S OVER.
[ Indian accent ] WHAT WERE YOU
DOING WITH THIS BOY?
[ LAUGHTER ]
I HAVE SOMEONE FOR YOU TO MARRY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT IS A GOAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU ARE THE SHAME OF THE FAMILY.
MARRY THE GOAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HAVE LITTLE KIDS.
[ GROANS AND LAUGHTER ]
[ Normal voice ] SHUT UP.
IT WAS OFF THE TOP OF MY DOME.
DON'T EXPECT GOLD.
FOLKS, YOU READY TO GET THIS
THING STARTED?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
OUR FIRST COMEDIAN, I WORKED
WITH LAST YEAR.
WE DID "DEF JAM" TOGETHER.
THAT'S RIGHT.
MY BROWN *** DID "DEF JAM."
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
YOU'VE SEEN HER ON B.E.T.
SHE'S A VERY FUNNY GIRL,
ORIGINALLY FROM ST. LOUIS,
MISSOURI.
GIVE IT UP FOR B-PHLAT!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> I'M B-PHLAT, AND I'M FROM
ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI -- ACTUALLY,
ST. CLAIR, MISSOURI -- AND I
GREW UP, MY BROTHER AND I, THE
ONLY TWO BLACK PEOPLE IN A WHITE
SCHOOL.
SO THAT DEFINITELY SHAPED ME.
AS YOU CAN SEE, I GOT WHITE IN
ME.
MY ***'S STILL FLAT ON ONE
SIDE.
THAT'S THE WHITE IN ME.
I GOT LITTLE BABY HAIR RIGHT
HERE.
THAT'S THE OTHER WHITE IN ME.
IT WAS A DIFFERENT EXPERIENCE
GROWING UP WITH FOUR BOYS IN THE
HOUSE, BUT IT WAS GREAT.
ALL MY BROTHERS ARE MUCH TALLER
THAN ME, SO I ALWAYS HAD TO BEAT
THEM WITH A BROOM.
I GOT STARTED DOING COMEDY
THROUGH A TALENT SHOW THROUGH
SOME FRIENDS OF MINE, WHO ALWAYS
THOUGHT THAT I WAS FUNNY, AND
THEY SAW SOMETHING IN ME I NEVER
SAW IN MYSELF.
SO THEY SIGNED ME UP FOR A
TALENT SHOW AT WHYY TELEVISION
STATION IN PHILADELPHIA.
SO THEN IT WAS MORE OR LESS,
"OH, THEY PUT ME OUT HERE.
NOW I GOT TO PROVE TO PEOPLE
THAT I'M MAD FUNNY."
I GET MY MATERIAL JUST FROM
OBSERVATION AND OBSERVING WHAT
PEOPLE KIND OF OVERLOOK.
I DON'T MISS ***.
AND ON TOP OF BEING NOSY, THAT'S
A GOOD QUALITY.
TO BE A COMEDIAN, YOU GOT TO BE
NOSY AND OBSERVANT.
WHAT'S UP, MY PEOPLE?
HOW Y'ALL DOING?
THAT'S RIGHT.
SHOW A SISTER SOME LOVE.
YOU KNOW I GOT TO SAY "MY
PEOPLE," 'CAUSE I GOT A LITTLE
BIT OF EVERYTHING IN ME.
Y'ALL DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
JUST FROM LOOKING AT ME, YOU
WOULDN'T KNOW I GOT A LITTLE
WHITE IN ME, DID YOU?
YEAH, I CAN'T FIND THIS ***
RIGHT NOW.
I'M STILL LOOKING FOR IT.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE HELL IT
IS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, MY GOODNESS, I AM IGNORANT
AS HELL.
DO Y'ALL KNOW I CAN'T GET NO
WHITE MAN?
I'M TOO THICK.
I'M TOO THICK FOR THAT.
THEY WANT ME TO LOSE WEIGHT.
I AIN'T LOSING NO MORE DAMN
WEIGHT.
I LIKE MY SIZE.
HOLLYWOOD KILLS ME, TRYING TO
MAKE ME BE SKINNY.
THEY DON'T KNOW THE OBSTACLES
THAT A SISTER HAS TO GO THROUGH
TO TRY TO WORK OUT.
WE CAN'T JUST GO TO THE GYM.
FOR ONE, I AIN'T GOT NO MONEY
FOR NO GYM MEMBERSHIP.
SO I TRY TO WORK OUT AT HOME
WITH THE FITNESS CHANNEL, BUT
THEY KILL ME ON THE FITNESS
CHANNEL, TALKING ABOUT, "AND YOU
CAN DO IT RIGHT THERE AT HOME."
BUT THEIR *** IS ON A BEACH.
IT'S ALL BEAUTIFUL.
I'M IN MY LIVING ROOM TRYING TO
MOVE THE DAMN COCKTAIL TABLE OUT
THE WAY SO I DON'T KICK
SOMETHING AND BREAK MY DAMN
ANKLE.
I'M IN THE BEDROOM TRYING TO
EXERCISE, AND ***'S FALLING OFF
THE DRESSER.
I'M LIKE, "I WANT TO SEE
SOMEBODY EXERCISING FROM HOME,
KIDS RUNNING AROUND, LAUNDRY ON
THE BED."
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
YOU'RE JUMPING OVER CLOTHES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THEN I CAN GET MY WORKOUT ON.
AND SEE, I LIVE IN THE 'HOOD.
WHEN YOU LIVE IN 'HOOD, YOU JUST
CAN'T GET UP AND GO RUNNING AND
GO EXERCISE.
I LIVE IN THE 'HOOD, ALL BLACK
PEOPLE.
IF THEY SEE ME RUNNING, THEY'RE
GONNA THINK SOMETHING HAPPENED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THEY'D BE LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL?
WHY SHE RUNNING?
Y'ALL GET IN THE HOUSE, GO IN
THE BACKYARD.
SOMETHING HAPPENED OUT HERE.
SOMEBODY RUNNING.
THEY'RE RUNNING."
[ LAUGHTER ]
I GOT TO GO OUTSIDE AND STRETCH
FIRST, LET PEOPLE SEE I'M
GETTING READY TO GET MY EXERCISE
ON.
I LOVE IT.
I LOVE THE WAY THAT I AM.
AND I'M GONNA TELL YOU RIGHT
NOW, WHEN I BLOW UP, I'M NOT
GETTING NO IMPLANTS, NO, NO, NO.
I'M JUST GONNA LET MY ***
SAG.
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN, 'CAUSE
THAT'S A NATURAL OCCURRENCE --
FOR REAL.
WHEN YOU GET OLDER, YOUR HAIR
STARTS TO SAG.
EVERYTHING ON YOU SAGS.
MEN DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT IT.
THESE WOMEN KILL ME, RUNNING
AROUND GETTING BREAST IMPLANTS.
THEY AIN'T THINKING ABOUT WHEN
THEY'RE 75 YEARS OLD AND GOT
OSTEOPOROSIS.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
WHEN YOU WALK AROUND LIKE THIS?
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND YOUR HEAD IS RIGHT HERE?
WHAT YOU GONNA DO WITH SOME
*** ON YOUR FOREHEAD?
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
YOU GOT TO HIRE SOMEBODY TO WALK
YOU AROUND, 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T
EVEN SEE.
JUST LET THEM SAG.
MEN KILL ME COMPLAINING ABOUT
STUFF ON OUR BODIES.
I DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT STUFF ON
A MAN'S BODY.
YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT MY SAGGY
***.
I AIN'T NEVER SAID NOTHING ABOUT
SAGGY NUTS -- NEVER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW THE ONES THAT BE
SCRATCHING YOU UP ON THE CHEST,
RIGHT HERE?
OKAY, MAYBE JUST ME.
MAYBE JUST ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SEE, THAT'S THAT CRAZY STUFF I
THINK OF WHEN I BE SMOKING WEED.
I AIN'T GONNA LIE.
I GOT TO SMOKE.
I SMOKE WEED 'CAUSE IT HELPS ME
TOLERATE STUFF.
IT DOES.
IT HELP ME TOLERATES STUFF MEN
SAY THAT DON'T MAKE SENSE TO ME.
"UH, B-PHLAT, YOU WANT TO WATCH
MY KIDS?"
WATCH THEM DO WHAT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT THEY GONNA DO?
THEY GETTING READY TO ENTERTAIN
US?
WHAT?
I DON'T WATCH PEOPLE'S KIDS.
'CAUSE I DON'T HAVE NO KIDS.
SEE?
WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE NO KIDS,
YOU'RE NOT SENSITIVE TO ISSUES
LIKE THAT, FOR REAL.
AND NOW I'M GETTING TO THE POINT
WHERE I FEEL LIKE I'M GETTING
TOO OLD TO HAVE CHILDREN.
AND IT'S AMAZING BECAUSE THE
REASON WHY I DON'T HAVE NONE IS
BECAUSE OF MY MAMA.
MY MAMA DID NOT BELIEVE IN
COMING HOME PREGNANT, HAVING
KIDS OUT OF WEDLOCK -- NO, NO,
NO.
MY MOTHER ALWAYS KEPT A DADDY
FOR US.
THAT'S ONE THING I LIKED ABOUT
HER.
IT MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN OUR
DADDY.
IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN SOMEBODY
ELSE'S DADDY, BUT SHE KEPT A
DADDY UP IN THE HOUSE.
AND NOW I'M GETTING TO THE
POINT -- SHE'S LOOKING AT ME
LIKE, "DAMN IT, YOU'RE ALMOST
40-SOMETHING YEARS OLD, AND YOU
AIN'T GOT NO KIDS YET.
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING ON?"
THAT'S WHY I SMOKE WEED, 'CAUSE
SHE'S DRIVING ME CRAZY ABOUT IT,
MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY
SITUATION.
AND THEN I SAID TO MYSELF, "YOU
KNOW WHAT?
I'M GETTING TOO OLD, DAMN IT.
I AIN'T GONNA HAVE NO KIDS.
I'M JUST GONNA ADOPT SOME
CHILDREN."
I AM.
I'M GONNA GET THEM RIGHT HERE IN
THE U.S., THOUGH.
THERE'S PLENTY OF HUNGRY KIDS
RIGHT HERE IN THE U.S.
I'M NOT GOING TO GUATEMALA,
CHINA, MEXICO, AFRICA, AND ADOPT
SOME LITTLE, HUNGRY CHILDREN.
NO, NO, NO.
I'M GETTING THEM RIGHT HERE.
AND THE FUNNY THING ABOUT
LITTLE, HUNGRY CHILDREN FROM
AFRICA -- THEY TRY TO CONVINCE
ME THEY'RE HUNGRY, BUT THEY LOOK
FULL AS HELL WHEN I'M LOOKING AT
THEIR STOMACHS.
AND YOU WANT ME TO SEND SOME
MONEY OVER THERE?
I DON'T EVEN BE THAT FULL WHEN I
EAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO I SAID, "I AIN'T SENDING THEM
NOTHING."
AND BESIDES, I DON'T WANT A
CHILD FROM AFRICA THAT AIN'T
NEVER REALLY ATE NO REAL FOOD.
THINK ABOUT IT.
THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT FOOD
LOOKS LIKE, LIKE REAL FOOD.
THEY THINK ANYTHING MOVING MIGHT
BE FOOD.
I ADOPT HER ***, SHE'D KEEP
COMING IN THE ROOM IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE NIGHT WITH A FORK.
I GOT TO SLEEP WITH A KNIFE.
SHE IN THE ROOM...
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M ON THE BED.
"YOU BETTER GET YOUR *** OUT OF
HERE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"GO ON BACK ON YOUR MAT.
THIS AIN'T THE KITCHEN.
GO ON BACK ON YOUR MAT."
[ LAUGHTER ]
I GOT TO CALL CHILD PROTECTIVE
SERVICES ON HER.
"Y'ALL BETTER COME GET HER ***.
SHE KEEPS PUTTING KETCHUP ON MY
TOES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO SEND HER
BACK."
[ LAUGHTER ]
SEE?
THAT'S THAT WEED.
THAT'S THAT WEED.
I'LL BE THINKING OF STUPID
STUFF.
I'M SERIOUS.
BUT I GOT TO CUT DOWN BECAUSE IT
REALLY MESSES WITH MY SHORT-TERM
MEMORY.
MY SHORT-TERM MEMORY IS TORE UP
FROM SMOKING WEED, FOR REAL.
YOU COULD RING MY DOORBELL.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I
CAME DOWN THE STEPS FOR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M AT THE BOTTOM, TALKING ABOUT
"NOW I KNOW I HEARD SOMETHING."
I SAID, "LORD KNOWS I DON'T NEED
TO BE HIGH WHEN JESUS RETURNS."
CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT?
NOW YOU KNOW IF YOU SMOKE WEED,
IT MESSES UP YOUR SHORT-TERM
MEMORY, RIGHT?
CAN YOU IMAGINE JESUS RETURNING?
HE UP THERE TALKING ABOUT,
"MA'AM, I AM HERE TO TAKE YOU
BACK.
I AM JESUS.
I AM KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR."
AND Y'ALL KNOW BLACK PEOPLE.
WE DON'T HAVE ANY PEEPHOLES,
RIGHT?
WE GOT TO LOOK OUT THE WINDOW.
I'M LIKE, "WHO THE HELL IS THIS
OUT HERE WITH THIS EAGLE BLANKET
ON AND THESE FLIP-FLOPS?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
"TALKING ABOUT HE'S JESUS.
WHERE I KNOW YOU FROM?
HOW YOU GET MY ADDRESS?
LET ME PUT THE JOINT DOWN.
SEE IF I KNOW YOU."
IT'S THAT WEED.
I SMOKE WEED, BUT I GOT TO STOP.
I'M SERIOUS.
I DO SILLY STUFF.
ANYBODY HERE EVER SAT OUTSIDE
AND WATCHED ANTS CARRY STUFF?
[ LAUGHTER ]
JUST ME? JUST ME?
IT'S FASCINATING.
ANTS ARE ORGANIZED.
AND SEE, WHEN YOU'RE HIGH,
THAT'S ONLY WHEN YOU CAN
APPRECIATE IT.
I'M SITTING OUTSIDE, RIGHT, AND
I'M LOOKING AT THIS POPSICLE
STICK MOVE, AND I WAS LIKE,
"WOW, IS THAT POPSICLE STICK
MOVING?"
NEXT THING YOU KNOW, I PICK IT
UP, THERE'S TWO ANTS UNDER THE
POPSICLE STICK.
I WAS LIKE, "DAMN, THEY'RE
STRONG."
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT AIN'T EVEN THE SAD PART.
I'M IN THE HOUSE, GETTING ***
FOR THE ANTS TO CARRY.
LET ME SEE IF THEY CAN CARRY
THESE SPOONS RIGHT HERE.
THESE ANTS STRONG AS HELL.
Y'ALL, THAT'S MY TIME.
I'M B-PHLAT.
I HOPE YOU ENJOYED MY SHOW.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Peters: B-PHLAT, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
SHE MADE MY *** WANT TO BE
FAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SHE'S SEXY.
HELL, YEAH, I WOULD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WE COULD HAVE THE BABY WITH GOOD
HAIR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
LOOK AT THE BLACK PEOPLE SHAKING
THEIR HEADS, LIKE THAT'S NOT
WHAT YOU WERE THINKING.
THEY'RE LIKE, "WELL, HE WOULD
GIVE THE GOOD HAIR."
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT *** YOU UP, WHAT I JUST
SAID?
THEY'RE LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW
ABOUT THIS GUY ANYMORE.
HE GETS ERECTIONS.
HE WANTS TO SLEEP WITH WOMEN.
WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
FOLKS, YOU READY TO KEEP THIS
THING MOVING?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ALL RIGHT.
YOUR NEXT COMEDIAN I'VE KNOWN
FOR MANY YEARS -- WHAT A
TALENTED AND FUNNY GUY.
I WANT TO SAY HE'S A GOOD FRIEND
OF MINE BECAUSE HE IS A GOOD
FRIEND OF MINE.
YOU'VE SEEN HIM ON "THE TONIGHT
SHOW."
HE'S BEEN ON B.E.T. AND COMEDY
CENTRAL.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, "THE PARTY
STARTER," DARREN CARTER!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ RAP MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> I'M FROM FRESNO, CALIFORNIA.
IT'S A CENTRAL VALLEY.
IT DOESN'T GET A LOT OF RESPECT.
I'VE TOLD AUDIENCES, EVEN HERE
IN CALIFORNIA, I'M LIKE, "HEY,
I'M FROM FRESNO," AND THEY'LL BE
LIKE, "BOO."
I TOLD MY WIFE.
I GO, "WHY DO THEY BOO IT?"
AND SHE'S LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW.
FRESNO -- THE OTHER 'F' WORD."
I GREW UP IN A LATIN
NEIGHBORHOOD.
SO ME BEING THIS WHITE DUDE WITH
FRECKLES AND RED HAIR -- LIKE,
"HEY, LOOK.
A ROOSTER."
THEN, 10 YEARS LATER, "HEY, I
LOOK LIKE A ROOSTER."
AND THE AUDIENCES LAUGH, AND
THEY PAY ME.
SO TAKE THAT, ***.
RIGHT?
THE VERY FIRST TIME I GOT
LAUGHS, I'LL NEVER FORGET THE
GREAT FEELING I GOT.
I WAS A LITTLE KID.
I WAS IN FIRST GRADE, AND I DID
THIS ROBOT THING ON THE
PLAYGROUND.
AND ALL THESE KIDS WERE LIKE,
"HA HA HA."
AND THEN I REMEMBER A LITTLE BIT
LATER I STARTED DOING ELVIS.
[ As Elvis ] THANK YOU VERY
MUCH.
♪ HOLD ME CLOSE ♪
[ Normal voice ] SO I WAS LIKE,
"I KNOW.
I'LL BE A MORNING DEEJAY."
BUT IT WASN'T VERY FUN 'CAUSE
WHEN YOU START OUT, YOU HAVE TO
DO THE OVERNIGHT SHIFTS.
SO I'D BE OVERNIGHT WITH MY
LITTLE CDs, AND I'M LIKE, "HEY,
THIS GOES OUT TO TAMMY.
SHE WANTS TO HEAR 'ME SO
***.'"
BUT MEANWHILE THERE'S NO TAMMY.
IT'S JUST ME BEING ***.
"IF YOU'RE ***, YOU CALL IN,
TOO."
AND I'D STARE AT THE PHONES.
YES, I HAD MET SNOOP DOGG.
I DID HIS FAMILY REUNION.
I'VE DONE IT FOR THREE YEARS
DOWN AT LONG BEACH, AND IT'S
FUNNY, 'CAUSE AT THE FAMILY
REUNION, THEY TOLD ME NOT TO BE
DIRTY.
SNOOP DOGG'S LIKE, "YEAH, MAN,
MY GRANDMAMA'S OUT THERE.
KEEP IT CLEAN."
AND I'M SERIOUS ABOUT THAT.
SOMETIMES PEOPLE GO, "HEY, DOES
YOUR WIFE EVER HAVE YOU DO
SNOOP DOGG IN BED?"
AND I'M LIKE, "OH, FOR SURE."
AND THEN SHE REACHES DOWN.
"DARREN, IS THAT YOU?"
I'M DARREN CARTER, "THE PARTY
STARTER."
HOW Y'ALL DOING TONIGHT?
YOU FEELING GOOD?!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ARE YOU ALL READY TO START THIS
PARTY?!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ARE YOU READY TO ROCK OUT WITH
YOUR *** OUT?!
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S SOMETHING THAT'S ONLY
YELLED.
NOBODY EVER JUST TALKS THAT,
RIGHT?
NOBODY EVER JUST COMES OUT ON
STAGE.
ARE YOU READY TO ROCK OUT WITH
YOUR *** OUT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
ARE YOU READY TO ROLL OUT WITH
YOUR POLE OUT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
HANG OUT WITH YOUR *** OUT?
HYPE OUT WITH YOUR PIPE OUT?
ARE YOU READY TO JAM OUT WITH
YOUR HAM OUT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
WIG OUT WITH YOUR PIG OUT?
TORQUE OUT WITH YOUR PORK OUT?
LEAD OUT WITH YOUR MEAT OUT?
ARE YOU VEGETARIANS?
MOSH OUT WITH YOUR SQUASH OUT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
ARE YOU...
DO YOU GET THIS, SIR, ON THE
END?
DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING
ON?
[ LAUGHTER ]
SIR? HELLO, SIR?
DO YOU HAVE ANY CLUE TO WHAT'S
GOING ON?
YOU, IN THE WHITE SHIRT,
COVERING YOUR FACE, SIR.
ARE YOU READY TO ZONE OUT WITH
YOUR CONE OUT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
LET'S JUST GO DOWN THE LINE.
GUY NEXT TO YOU -- TRIP OUT WITH
YOUR TIP OUT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
ARE YOU READY -- THIS GUY IN THE
FRONT -- CLUB OUT WITH YOUR CHUB
OUT?
"YES, MY FRIEND, I AM.
YES."
LATINOS, LATINOS.
DO A GREET-O WITH YOUR PITO?
AAHHH! AH-AH-AH!
[ LAUGHTER ]
I LOVE IT, MAN.
THIS IS FUN, MAN.
WE'RE DOING THE BIG SHOW HERE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE, THOUGH?
I HATE WHEN I GO TO A CONCERT,
RIGHT, AND THEY DIVIDE THE
AUDIENCE.
THEY HYPE MAN COMES OUT.
THEY START SEPARATING GROUPS.
[ BEATBOXING ]
♪ WHERE'S ALL MY BLACK PEOPLE
AT? ♪
♪ HOOTY-HOO ♪
♪ WHERE'S ALL MY LATINOS? ♪
♪ AH-HOO-AH ♪
I'M THERE WITH MY COUSIN.
LIKE, "WOW, WHEN'S OUR GROUP
GONNA GET A SHOUT-OUT?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
"THAT'S SOME GOOD COTTON CANDY,
TREVOR."
[ LAUGHTER ]
JUST ONCE I WANT TO HEAR...
[ BEATBOXING ]
♪ WHERE'S ALL MY REDHEADS AT? ♪
♪ WHERE YOU AT? ♪
OH, MY GOD, I'M OVER HERE!
[ LAUGHTER ]
AAHHH!
AHH!
♪ WAVE YOUR FRECKLES IN THE AIR,
LIKE YOU DON'T CARE ♪
I DON'T CARE!
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DON'T CARE!
♪ I GOT FRECKLES EVERYWHERE ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
HEY, LADY, WHAT'S UP?
♪ EVEN IN MY UNDERWEAR ♪
[ BEATBOXING ]
♪ DOWN THERE, DON'T STARE ♪
♪ I USE NAIR ♪
♪ SO THERE'S NO HAIR ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
♪ I'M BARE LIKE A PAIR,
NOT HAIRY LIKE A KIWI ♪
♪ KIWIS ARE HAIRY,
AND THAT GETS KIND OF SCARY ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
♪ WHEN YOU HAVE SOME HAIRY KIWIS
RUBBING ON YOUR CHEEKS ♪
THIS IS STUPID, OKAY?
[ LAUGHTER ]
I CAN SEE MY WIFE COMING OUT
HERE.
"THAT WAS SO DUMB, DARREN.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
IS IT A FRECKLE-AND-FRUIT RAP?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT WOULD BE TIGHT IF
SNOOP DOGG DID IT.
[ As Snoop Dogg ] ♪ YEAH, YEAH,
IT'S THE BIG SNOOP DOGG ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
♪ HE'S GOT FRECKLES
IN HIS UNDERWEAR, DOWN THERE ♪
♪ THAT'S HIS UNDERWEAR ♪
♪ THAT'S HIS DRAWERS, BI-YATCH ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
♪ OOH ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ Normal voice ] WHAT ELSE DO
THEY DO AT CONCERTS?
THEY ALWAYS MAKE US YELL, RIGHT?
THE HYPE MAN COMES OUT.
♪ EVERYBODY MAKE SOME NOISE ♪
AND YOU'RE LIKE, "YEAH, WHOO!
AAHHH!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THEN THEY GO LIKE THIS.
♪ I CAN'T HEAR YOU ♪
♪ WHAT? WHAT? ♪
WE'RE RIGHT HERE, ***.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WITH A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE.
AHH! AHH!
MY THROAT HURTS!
[ LAUGHTER ]
I WANT TO TALK TOMORROW!
AAHHH!
YOU EVER FAKE IT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
YOU KNOW, IT'D BE DIFFERENT IF
THE GUY'S JUST POWER-TRIPPING,
RIGHT, IF THE DUDE WAS DEAF.
IT'D BE LIKE, "DAMN, I DON'T
THINK HE HEARS US, TREVOR."
BUT IF THE DUDE WAS DEAF, IT
WOULD BE A TOTALLY DIFFERENT
SHOW, RIGHT?
[ BEATBOXING ]
♪ EVERYBODY MAKE SOME NOISE ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
♪ EVERYBODY SCREAM ♪
♪ I CAN'T HEAR YOU ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
THIS IS ***!
[ LAUGHTER ]
THIS IS ***, PEOPLE!
***!
[ LAUGHTER ]
WOULDN'T THAT BE GREAT IF THE
NEXT TIME SOMEBODY LIES TO YOU,
I POP UP FROM BEHIND, LETTING
YOU KNOW IT'S NOT THE TRUTH,
RIGHT?
THEY'RE LIKE, "LIE, LIE, LIE."
I'M LIKE, "***."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"MY WORK HERE IS DONE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"I WANT TO SELL YOU THIS CAR.
IT'S A GREAT CAR.
IT GETS GREAT" --
"***."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"YOU'RE WELCOME."
HOW ABOUT AT THOSE CLUBS, RIGHT?
THEY'RE LIKE, "HEY, I'LL CALL
YOU TOMORROW."
"***."
[ LAUGHTER ]
OR "I DON'T HAVE KIDS."
"***."
"I TAKE CARE OF MY KIDS."
"***."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"YOU BARELY TAKE CARE OF
YOURSELF."
[ LAUGHTER ]
IF YOU'RE DIVORCED, YOU CAN
RELATE TO THIS.
"I PROMISE TO LOVE YOU THROUGH
RICHER OR POORER."
"***."
[ LAUGHTER ]
WOMEN USE THIS A LOT WHEN THEY
SEE A GUY NAKED FOR THE FIRST
TIME.
"YOU'RE HUGE.
I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S GONNA" --
"***!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
DO YOU GUYS REALIZE I'VE GIVEN
YOU SO MANY FUN THINGS TO SAY AT
WORK TOMORROW, AND I'VE ONLY
JUST STARTED?
"GO, MAX.
TAKE THESE PAPERS TO JOHNSON."
"I CAN'T HEAR YOU."
[ BEATBOXING ]
YOU'RE AT THAT NEXT BIG
MOTIVATIONAL SALES MEETING AT
WORK.
"THERE'S NO 'I' IN TEAM."
YOU STAND UP AND GO, "THERE'S
ONE IN '***.'"
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO SAY
***.
JUST YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS CAN,
IF SOMEONE'S LYING, JUST BE
LIKE...
[ LAUGHTER ]
I LOVE SNOOP DOGG.
HE REALLY IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE
RAPPERS.
HE'S SO LAID-BACK, YOU CAN'T
HELP BUT DIG HIM.
[ As Snoop Dogg ] ♪ BOW-WOW,
YEAH, YEAH,
IT'S THE BIG SNOOP DOGG ♪
[ Normal voice ] THANK YOU.
MY FRIEND GOES, "MAN, WHEN YOU
DO THAT, I SWEAR TO GOD.
I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING.
YOUR FACE -- YOU START TO LOOK
LIKE SNOOP DOGG."
I GO, "MAN, I'M WHITE.
I LOOK LIKE SNOOP DOGG'S X-RAY."
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU CAN'T HELP BUT FEEL RELAXED
WHEN YOU SEE SNOOP.
THEY SHOULD PUT HIM AT THE
BOTTOM OF THE TELEVISION WHEN
YOU'RE WATCHING THE NEWS, RIGHT?
JUST HAVE HIM POP UP AFTER EVERY
STORY.
KIND OF TAKE THE EDGE OFF.
"TODAY THERE WAS AN EARTHQUAKE."
♪ BOW-WOW ♪
♪ IT WAS CRACKING,
POINT 2 OR 3 ♪
♪ OOH-WAY ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
"GASOLINE PRICES CONTINUE TO
RISE."
♪ FROM A LINCOLN NAVIGATOR
TO A GEO METRO ♪
♪ OH, NO ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
"AN NFL FOOTBALL PLAYER WAS
ARRESTED FOR 500 POUNDS OF
MARIJUANA."
♪ OOH-WHEE,
NOW THERE'S A SUPER BOWL ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M A COMEDIAN IMITATING
SNOOP DOGG.
I WONDER IF SOMEWHERE ON STAGE
TONIGHT, SNOOP DOGG'S TELLING
JOKES, IF HE'S DOING
DARREN CARTER, "THE PARTY
STARTER."
[ As Snoop Dogg ] ♪ BOW-WOW,
YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ WHAT'S CRACKIN', Y'ALL? ♪
WHAT ARE THE TWO SEXIEST FARM
ANIMALS?
"WHAT'S THAT, SNOOP?"
THE BROWN CHICKEN AND THE BROWN
COW.
"WHY?"
♪ BROWN-CHICKEN, BROWN-COW ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
♪ BROWN-CHICKEN, BROWN-COW ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, GOSH.
MY NEW HOBBY -- I'M TRYING TO
LEARN SPANISH SO I CAN TALK BACK
TO THE VOICES IN MY HEAD.
I PAID MY FRIEND 50 BUCKS.
I'M LIKE, "DUDE, TEACH ME THESE
WORDS.
HOW DO YOU SAY, "NO."
"NO."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"SWEATER."
"SUéTER."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"DOCTOR."
"DOCTOR."
"ACTOR."
"ACTOR."
"GOLF."
"GOLF."
"FOOTBALL."
"FúTBOL."
"SOCCER."
"FúTBOL."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"CAN I HAVE MY 50 BUCKS BACK?
OR AT LEAST MAKE IT HARDER.
HOW ABOUT CONSTRUCTION?"
"CONSTRUCTION."
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
"CAR."
"CARRO."
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
"MILK."
"LECHE."
"LECHE?
DUDE, THAT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE.
ARE YOU SURE IT'S NOT LIKE "EL
MILKO" OR SOMETHING?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
"OR LA MILKA?
OR [TRILLING] MILK?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DON'T KNOW WHO DISCOVERED
SPANISH, BUT THEY WERE
HILARIOUS, RIGHT?
WELL, NOT DISCOVERED IT.
INVENTED IT.
IT WASN'T SOME DUDE ON A ROCK.
"WHOA, THERE GOES SPANISH."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"I'LL BE DARNED.
LOOK AT IT RUN.
IT JUST HOPPED THE BORDER.
IT'S WEARING A RAIDERS' JERSEY!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHOEVER CAME UP WITH SPANISH WAS
HILARIOUS, RIGHT?
THEY GAVE INANIMATE OBJECTS A
SEXUALITY, RIGHT?
CERTAIN THINGS ARE MASCULINE.
CERTAIN THINGS ARE FEMININE.
THERE'S NO RHYME OR REASON,
RIGHT?
LIKE, THAT MIKE STAND IS
MASCULINE.
THAT STOOL IS FEMININE.
THAT BACKDROP IS GAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THAT'S WHY I THINK SPANISH
IS FUNNY.
IF YOU KNOW SPANISH, BACK ME UP.
ONE WORD -- TWO MEANINGS.
ESPOSAS IS WIFE AND HANDCUFFS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S RIGHT.
I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 10 YEARS.
I BELIEVE THIS IS NOT AN
ACCIDENTE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHEN YOU'RE SINGLE, YOU GET A
*** CALL.
WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED, YOU GET A
MOODY CALL.
WHEN YOU'RE SINGLE, SHE CALLS
YOU.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHERE ARE YOU?
BRING CONDOMS."
THEN, WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED...
[ Brusquely ] "WHAT ARE YOU
DOING?
WHERE ARE YOU?
BRING MILK."
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU TRY TO GET CUTE.
YOU MEAN LECHE?
EL MILKO!
"NO TIME FOR JOKES,
***-KNUCKLE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU EVER LIE?
YOU'RE ON A CELLPHONE, RIGHT?
YOU COULD SAY YOU'RE ANYWHERE.
YOU'RE LIKE, "HONEY, I'M IN THE
CAR.
THERE'S A BIG -- THERE'S A
TRAFFIC JAM.
I'M ALMOST THERE.
THERE'S A LOT OF TRAFFIC."
MEANWHILE, YOU HAVEN'T EVEN LEFT
THE CLUB YET, DUDE, RIGHT?
THERE'S, LIKE, MUSIC AND PEOPLE
IN THE BACKGROUND.
[ IMITATES DANCE MUSIC ]
"COMING TO THE DANCE FLOOR, IT'S
PEACHES."
[ LAUGHTER ]
♪ WORK THAT POLE, *** ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
♪ HOLD UP, WAIT A MINUTE ♪
♪ LET ME PUT THESE FRECKLES
IN IT ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
"ARE YOU CALLING ME FROM A STRIP
CLUB, YOU ***?"
"NO, HONEY, I'M DRIVING.
IT'S AN ALL-STRIPPER RADIO
STATION."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"IT'S CALLED WK-POLE."
YOU EVER GO HOME, YOU GOT
GLITTER ON YOU?
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
THEY FREAK OUT.
"WHERE DID YOU GET THAT GLITTER?
WHY DO YOU HAVE GLITTER ON YOU?"
GUYS, THIS ISN'T EVEN A JOKE.
THIS IS ADVICE.
WHEN THEY SAY, "WHERE DID YOU
GET THAT GLITTER?" HERE'S WHAT
YOU SAY.
"I LOVE YOU."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"YOU'RE REALLY PRETTY.
I WAS GONNA BUY YOU A GREETING
CARD.
I REACHED UP, AND THEN THEY ALL
FELL ON ME."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
JUST MAKE SURE YOUR FRIENDS
AREN'T BEHIND YOU, GOING,
"***."
[ LAUGHTER ]
I LISTEN TO HIP-HOP MUSIC.
MY WIFE LISTENS TO COUNTRY
MUSIC.
YEAH.
IF YOU'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP, YOU
KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
WE LISTEN TO COUNTRY MUSIC.
I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE.
YOU COULD BE FIFTY CENT.
♪ G-G-G G-UNIT ♪
NEXT THING YOU KNOW...
♪ I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU HEARD
ABOUT ME,
BUT I'M A CHICKEN-PLUCKIN'
P-I-M-P ♪
♪ EE-EE-EEE ♪
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
WOW, I JUST GAVE MYSELF GOOSE
BUMPS.
I THINK HIP-HOP AND COUNTRY ARE
SIMILAR.
IT'S JUST A DIFFERENT APPROACH,
RIGHT?
THE RAPPERS, THEY COME OUT AND
SAY IT.
THE COUNTRY GUYS SAY IT.
YOU JUST HAVE TO READ BETWEEN
THE LINES, RIGHT?
THE RAPPERS ARE LIKE...
[ BEATBOXING ]
♪ MY GIRL'S A TRICK-*** *** ♪
♪ MY GIRL'S A *** ♪♪
♪ ALL THEM FISHES IN THE OCEAN,
WHY'D I MARRY A CRAB? ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ BEATBOXING ]
♪ MY GIRL'S A HO ♪
♪ SHE'S SLEPT WITH EVERYBODY ♪
♪ HO, SHE'S A HO ♪♪
♪ SHE GAVE ME THE KEYS
TO HER HEART,
BUT SHE MADE DUPLICATES ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M DARREN CARTER, YOU GUYS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
LOVE YOU ALL.
GOOD NIGHT. THANK YOU.
>> Peters: D. CART, "THE P.
START."
DARREN CARTER, "THE PARTY
STARTER."
IT'S TRUE.
HE IS A PARTY STARTER.
I'VE HAD PARTIES, AND THEY WERE
***.
AND THEN HE SHOWED UP.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
[ Indian accent ] THEN, PARTY
STARTED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ Normal voice ] FOLKS, THAT'S
OUR SHOW FOR TONIGHT.
DID YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ANOTHER ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR
B-PHLAT AND DARREN CARTER, "THE
PARTY STARTER."
THANK YOU FOR WATCHING.
I'M YOUR HOST, RUSSELL PETERS.
GOOD NIGHT.
-- Captions by VITAC -- www.vitac.com