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[ STATIC ]
[ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> ♪ MY DREAMS ARE ALL DEAD AND
BURIED ♪
♪ SOMETIMES I WISH THE SUN WOULD
JUST EXPLODE ♪
♪ WHEN GOD COMES AND CALLS ME TO
HIS KINGDOM ♪
YEAH!
♪ I'LL TAKE ALL YOU SONS OF
*** WHEN I GO ♪
♪ LET HIM GO ♪
>> Rusty: MY TURN.
>> Early: HELL NO.
>> Rusty: MAN, LET ME DRIVE THAT
THING!
>> Early: DO NOT TOUCH THE TRIM!
>> [ HUMMING ]
>> Early: OOH, YEAH.
>> WHAT'S THAT?
COME ON, NOW.
PUT ON THESE HERE EDIBLES.
>> AAH!
>> Early: AW, COME ON, GLENN'S
WIFE.
BE A PROFESSIONAL, NOW.
I'M SORRY, BUT THEM DAMN GRANNY
*** JUST WEREN'T GONNA DO IT
FOR ME.
DOUG WILL GET IT.
>> Sheriff: THE THING IS, EARLY,
DOUG AIN'T THE JUDGE HERE NO
MORE.
HE'S BEEN FORCED OFF THE BENCH.
>> Early: WHAT THE HELL?!
BUT DOUG WAS SO CHILL -- ALWAYS
FORGIVIN' AND FORGETTIN'.
>> Sheriff: WELL, IT WAS
ACTUALLY THAT FORGETTING PART HE
GOT HIM IN TROUBLE.
IT'S CALLED DEMENTIA.
[ CHUCKLES ]
HE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE ANY IDEA WHO
YOU WERE, WHAT YOU WAS UP TO --
[ DOOR OPENS ]
OOH. [ CLEARS THROAT ]
ALL RISE FOR THE HONORABLE JUDGE
QUINTAVIOUS JAMMER.
>> NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO -- THE OTHER ONE.
>> Sheriff: OH, OKAY.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
"GET THEM *** OFF UP THEM
PEWS.
GET THEM *** UP, GIRL.
GET 'EM UP.
PUT THEM DAMN HANDS TOGETHER AND
MAKE A CLAMOR FOR
JUDGE QUINTAVIOUS "THE HAMMER"
JAMMER-R-R-R-R-R-R-R!"
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> OOH, YEAH! [ CHUCKLES ]
KEEP THAT JAMMER CLAMOR GOING!
>> Early: WHOO!
>> ALL RIGHT, NO MORE JAMMER
CLAMOR.
WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?
WHOO-WHEE!
SOMEBODY BEEN CREEPING AROUND
BEING SNEAKY AND FREAKY AND
TAKING A PEAKY.
>> Early: YOUR HONOR, ALL I WAS
TRYING TO DO WAS SIMPLY SPICE UP
MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GLENN'S
WIFE.
THIS HERE VIDEO WILL SHOW -- OH,
LOOKY HERE.
IT'S BROKE.
CASE CLOSED. CASE DISMISSED.
Y'ALL SUMBITCHES AIN'T GOT
NOTHING ON ME!
>> I FIND YOU GUILTY AS CHARGED.
>> Early: FINE, PUT ME IN JAIL.
I CAN DO THE TIME STANDING ON MY
HEAD.
>> Sheriff: WHAT YOU WANT ON
THAT PIZZA, EARLY?
>> Early: DOUBLE CHEESE,
SAUSAGE, AND, UH, THEM CHEESY
BREADS, TOO.
>> NO, SIR!
I'M NOT ALLOWING THE TAXPAYERS
TO FOOT THE BILL FOR YOUR EVIL,
EVIL WAYS -- NOT THIS TIME.
IT WON'T BE NO MEAT-LOVER'S.
WON'T BE NO DOUBLE-CHEESE.
IT WON'T BE NO CHEESY BREAD.
OH, I GOT SOME FOR YO ***.
IT'S ABOUT TO BE ON.
>> Early: [ GULPS ]
[ BELL RINGING ]
"HEAR YE, HEAR YE.
I REGARD WOMEN'S BEHINDS AND
*** MORE THAN I REGARD THEIR
RIGHT TO PRIVACY," BECAUSE I'M A
RED-BLOODED AMERICAN MALE, AND I
GOT NEEDS, DAMN IT!
HELL, SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN
FLATTERED I TOOK INTEREST
ANYHOW.
>> Sheriff: EARLY, LET'S STAY
WITH THE COURT-APPOINTED TEXT.
>> Early: WHY I GOT TO SAY ALL
THIS?
EVERYBODY KNOWS I'M A DIRTY-***
DOG.
IT'S MY THANG.
>> Sheriff: WELL, JUDGE JAMMER
WANTS YOU TO FEEL ASHAMED ABOUT
WHAT YOU DONE.
THAT'S WHY HE GIVES OUT THESE
UNCONVENTIONAL SENTENCES.
I ALSO THINK HE KIND OF GETS OFF
ON SHAMING FOLK.
EARLY?
"HEAR YE, HEAR YE.
I'M INTO BEIN' SHAMED."
>> WELL, I'M A "HARLOT WITH LOW
SELF-ESTEEM WHO DEGRADES HERSELF
FOR MONEY."
>> Early: HELL YEAH, BABY.
I CAN READ.
OOH, YEAH!
OOH, YEAH, BABY!
>> Sheriff: EARLY? DARLA?
>> Early: [ MOANS ]
>> Sheriff: Y'ALL SUPPOSED TO BE
DOING THIS IN THE MIDDLE OF
DOWNTOWN.
>> Early: WHAT, THIS?
>> Sheriff: NO, NOT THAT.
THAT SHAME STUFF.
>> Early: I'M CURED NOW.
NOW, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY DAMN
WAY, 'CAUSE I'M DRUNK AND PISSED
AND NAKED, AND I'M DRIVING HOME.
[ ENGINE REVS, TIRES SQUEAL ]
[ ALL GASP ]
>> [ BANGS GAVEL ]
WETTIN' YOUR WHISTLE?
LAUNCHIN' YOUR MISSILE INTO A
***'S GRISTLE?
DAMN, BOY!
WHAT YOU GOT TO SAY FOR
YOURSELF?
>> Early: [ SNIFFLES ]
I'M SORRY, JUDGE, BUT [SNIFFLES]
I FOUND JESUS.
>> THE HELL YOU DID!
JESUS WOULDN'T BE A PART OF THIS
SIN AND DEFILITY.
>> Early: UH, PERMISSION TO
APPROACH THE ***?
[ LAUGHS ] I SAID "***"!
>> EXCUSE ME?
>> Early: AW, HELL, HE DON'T GET
IT.
>> YOU'RE DAMN LUCKY SOMEBODY
WASN'T KILLED HERE.
BUT WE'RE STILL GONNA HAVE A
FUNERAL.
OH, YES, SIR.
YES, SIR, WE ARE.
[ SOLEMN ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> Early: GOODBYE, PARTY LIQUOR.
[ LIQUID POURS ]
MAY THE FLOWERS ON THIS GRAVE BE
FOREVER GETTIN' SIDEWAYS
TONIGHT.
BY ALL 180 PROOF OF YOURS.
GOODBYE, METHAMPHETAMINE
PUFFERY.
WHEN I WAS FEELING DOWN AND
DEPRESSED, YOUR FUMES ALWAYS
LIFTED ME UP AND FREED ME OF MY
WORRIES, MY DIGNITY, AND MOST OF
WHAT WAS IN MY BOWELS.
>> Sheriff: EARLY! [ GRUNTS ]
>> Early: I GOT TO HAVE ME SOME
***!
THAT DARN PUBLIC TALKIN' MAKES
ME NERVOUS.
>> Sheriff: GO AHEAD, EARLY.
PUSH THE WHOLE *** LAB IN
THERE.
>> Early: [ GRUNTS ]
[ GLASS SHATTERS ]
WHY CAN'T YOU JUST PUT ME IN
JAIL?
I MEAN, Y'ALL GOT FREE PIZZA
PIES IN THERE.
>> Sheriff: NOW TOSS IN YOUR
TRUCK KEYS.
JUDGE JAMMER DON'T WANT YOU ON
THE ROAD.
>> Early: UGH.
DAMN.
>> Sheriff: [ SIGHS ]
THOSE WERE MY KEYS, WEREN'T
THEY?
>> Early: I RECKON THEY WAS.
>> Rusty: WHOO-HOO!
WE GOT US A FREE COFFEE TABLE,
Y'ALL!
HOT DAMN!
>> Sheriff: IT'S A COFFIN.
SEE?
>> I JUST WANTED ONE MORE...
FOR THE ROAD.
>> Sheriff: JUDGE ORDERED Y'ALL
TO KEEP IT IN HERE FOR FIVE
YEARS AS A REMINDER THAT
DRINKING AND DRUGGING AND
DRIVING LEAD TO DYING.
>> Early: PRETTY SOON, YOU'LL BE
SAYIN' HUFFIN'S PART OF THE DAMN
DEAL, WON'T YOU?
>> Sheriff: SORRY, BUD.
>> Early: [ GRUNTS ]
>> Sheriff: GIVE ME.
>> Early: FINE, THEN!
BUT MARK MY WORDS -- THIS ENDS
TODAY.
[ DOOR SLAMS ]
TODAY!
>> Sheriff: HMM. THAT'S OMINOUS.
>> Early: UH, I-- IS THE JUDGE
IN?
[ HIGH-PITCHED BEEPING ]
OH, THAT'S MY READING GLASSES.
[ CHUCKLES ]
I CAN'T SEE A DURN THING WITHOUT
THEM.
UH, SAY, IS THE JUDGE IN?
[ BEEPING RESUMES ]
>> HOW ABOUT YOU HOP IN THE
X-RAY BIN, PLEASE?
>> Early: [ GRUNTS ]
IS THE JUDGE IN?
WHAT TIME DOES JUDGE GET HERE?
I-I JUST WANT TO TALK TO HIM?
[ GROANS ]
>> SON, DO YOU REALIZE I COULD
PUT YOU AWAY FOR THIS?
>> Early: YOU COULD?
WOULD YOU CONSIDER DOING THAT?
I MEAN, Y'ALL GOT THE FREE PIZZA
PIES AND ALL.
I MEAN, THAT THERE WILL TEACH
ME.
>> YOU LOVES YOU SOME PIZZA,
DON'T YOU?
>> Early: YES, SIR, I DO.
>> AND YOU GOT THE PROCLIVITY
FOR STUFFING ITEMS UP INSIDE
YOUR BUNGHOLE, DON'T YOU?
>> Early: WELL, WHERE ARE YOU
GOING WITH THIS?
AAH!
DAMN, THAT'S HOT!
BLOW ON IT!
>> Rusty: I'M SORRY, DADDY.
>> Early: [ GROANS ]
>> Rusty: THAT JUDGE SAYS IT'S
GOT TO BE PIPIN' HOT.
>> Early: DAMN!
IT'S GONNA BURN THE SKIN OFF THE
ROOF OF MY BUTT.
>> Rusty: ALL RIGHT, NOW.
THE JUDGE SAID I GOT TO ADD THE
WILD BOY BREAD.
>> Early: WHY THE HELL IS THIS
HAPPENING TO ME?!
>> Rusty: WELL, WHY IS IT
HAPPENING TO ME?
THAT'S MY QUESTION.
>> Early: OOH!
>> Rusty: WHERE'S THE DAMN
SHERIFF?
>> Sheriff: "HEAR YE, HEAR YE.
INSTEAD OF STOPPING A ROBBERY IN
PROGRESS, I WAS CHANGING MY
PROFILE PIC TO A KITTY DRESSED
AS A JEDI.
I'M A SORRY EXCUSE FOR A
LAWMAN."
>> Early: UNH-UNH.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THAT
IN THE CENTER OF TOWN, HOSS --
IN FRONT OF THE LORD AND
EVERYBODY.
>> Sheriff: YEAH, WELL, THERE'S
SO MANY PUNISHMENTS GOING ON
DOWNTOWN THAT THEY GOT TO SPREAD
US OUT.
[ BELLS RINGING ]
>> "HEAR YE, HEAR YE."
I WAS ONLY TRYING TO SPICE UP MY
MARRIAGE.
>> I DIDN'T EVEN REALLY WANT TO
DO IT.
>> ALL I DID WAS PARK IN A
HANDICAPPED SPACE WITHOUT A
PERMIT!
THIS WAS THE ONLY SIGN THEY HAD
LEFT.
>> FOOT-LONG HOAGIE, $6.99, WITH
YOUR CHOICE OF CHIPS AND DRINK.
>> YEAH, LET'S DO THIS
MEATBALL-HOAGIE DEAL ANOTHER
DAY.
I THINK WE'RE GETTING LOST IN
THE SHUFFLE HERE.
>> Sheriff: THAT JUDGE JAMMER'S
GOT A BEE IN HIS BONNET.
THAT'S FOR DAMN SURE.
>> Granny: "HEAR YE, HEAR YE.
I LIKE TO PEEP ME SOME WOMEN
WHILE THEY'S TRYING ON
BRASSIERES AT THE BALL MART!"
>> Early: AW, HELL, GRANNY.
I TOLD YOU I HAD VIDEO OF IT.
>> Granny: WELL, YOU PRATTLED ON
ABOUT IT SO MUCH, I FIGURED I'LL
GIVE IT A WHIRL.
>> Sheriff: I HATE TO SAY IT,
BUT SOMETHING'S GOT TO BE DONE
ABOUT JUDGE JAMMER.
IF HE'S GONNA SHAME US, WE'RE
GONNA HAVE TO SHAME HIM.
>> Early: NOW, I'VE ALWAYS HEARD
THAT A GOOD WAY TO GET A JUDGE
OUT OF OFFICE IS TO CATCH HIM IN
BED WITH A DEAD WOMAN OR A LIVE
BOY.
[ GUN *** ]
Y'ALL WORK IT OUT AMONGST
YOURSELVES.
>> Granny: THE HELL YOU DOING,
LITTLE BOY?
>> Rusty: OH, COME ON, GRANNY.
YOU'VE LIVED SUCH A LONG AND
RICH LIFE.
>> Granny: AND THERE'S PLENTY
DAMN MORE LEFT IN THE TANK!
ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS LAY DOWN
NAKED WITH THE MAN FOR A FEW
PHOTOS...
MAYBE A LITTLE *** PLAY.
>> Rusty: OH, THE HELL YOU SAY!
>> Granny: THE HELL YOU SAY!
GIVE ME THAT THING!
>> Sheriff: WHEN I SAID SHAME,
EARLY, I-I WAS THINKING MORE
LIKE WE'D JUST GET AHOLD OF HIS
TAX RECORDS OR SOMETHING.
[ CHUCKLES ] MAYBE GET HIS
HIGH-SCHOOL-YEARBOOK PHOTO AND
PUT IT UP ON A BIG OLD
BILLBOARD.
[ GUNSHOT, THUDDING ]
>> Early: WELL, SOUNDS LIKE
SOMEBODY'S HASHED OUT A
COMPROMISE.
>> Granny: SAY...YOU'LL...DO IT!
>> Rusty: I'LL DO IT!
>> Granny: [ SIGHS ]
THAT'S MY LITTLE ***.
>> Early: ALL RIGHT, DISROBE
YOURSELF.
NOW, WE'RE GONNA SNEAK UP IN HIS
BEDROOM, AND YOU GET IN CLOSE TO
HIM, WRAP YOUR ARMS AROUND HIM.
WE'RE GONNA SNAP A FEW SHOTS,
AND WE OUT.
MIGHT BE A LITTLE *** PLAY.
>> Rusty: DAMN IT, I KNOW!
I KNOW!
>> Early: Shh!
[ GRUNTS ]
>> Rusty: HOLD ON!
[ ALARM BLARES ]
DAMN, DADDY!
>> Early: STOP *** AND OPEN
THE DOOR.
I AIN'T GOING THROUGH NO DAMN
PLATE GLASS.
[ BEEPING ]
>> WHAT THE HELL? HOLD ON.
FEATHERS DOWN.
WHO DARES ENTER THE SACRED REALM
OF THE
NAKED-TICKLE-PARTY/POTLUCK
FUNDRAISER FOR CYSTIC FIBROSIS?
SHOW THYSELF!
>> Sheriff: UH, I DIDN'T SEE
NOTHING.
IT'S JUST ME, JUDGE JAMMER.
>> WHOA!
THERE'S NO JUDGE JAMMER HERE.
HE-- HE'S MOVED.
UH, HE'S RENTING THIS PLACE OUT
FOR THIS, UH...
>> [ Muffled ] IT'S A
FANTASY-FOOTBALL DRAFT.
>> YEAH, THAT'S WHAT IT IS -- A
FANTASY-FOOTBALL DRAFT.
I'LL TAKE ICKEY WOODS.
[ CHUCKLES ] GIVE ME
ICKEY WOODS.
[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]
>> Early: THERE YOU GO.
>> HOLD -- HOLD ON. NO!
NOBODY SAID NOTHING ABOUT
CAMERAS!
>> WELL, WE BETTER GET GOING.
>> Dan Halen: YEAH, I'VE GOT TO
GET GOING, AS WELL -- HYAH!
>> [ WHINNIES ]
>> DON'T GO!
>> Rusty: I STILL GOT TO TOUCH
HIS BUTT?
[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]
>> Early: YEAH, LET'S GET A
COUPLE JUST TO BE SAFE.
>> ARREST HIM, SHERIFF.
HE'S BREAKING AND ENTERING.
>> Sheriff: WELL, I'M AN UNFIT
LAWMAN, THOUGH, REMEMBER?
MMM.
IS THIS MEATLESS?
[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]
>> [ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ]
ALL RIGHT. OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, GUYS.
THERE'S GOT TO BE A WAY WE CAN
WORK THIS OUT, HUH?
>> Sheriff: [ BANGS GAVEL ]
ALL RISE FOR THE HONORABLE
JUDGE DOUGLAS PEPPERS.
WELCOME BACK, DOUG.
>> WHO'S DOUG?
>> Sheriff: UH, THAT'S YOU.
>> Early: DOUG!
MY MAN!
WELCOME BACK, HOSS!
>> DOUG, WELCOME BACK.
>> Sheriff: LET ME JUST FLIP
THIS NAMEPLATE AROUND FOR YOU.
>> OH, THANK YOU, DOUG.
[ GAVEL BANGING ]
WHAT SONG IS THIS?
[ BANGING CONTINUES ]
>> Sheriff: YOU CAN PROBABLY
JUST GO HOME, EARLY.
[ DOOR OPENS ]
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
>> NOW THE DRUM SOLO!