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(symphony playing on stereo)
(turns up volume)
(orchestra playing softly)
(orchestra begins loud,
cadential flourish)
(orchestra plays final chord)
Boo!
(high-pitched scream)
(laughter)
That is not funny!
You don't sneak up on someone and startle them.
and secondly,
I only did it to prove a point.
And you called it--
he does scream like a woman.
I do not scream like a woman.
It was a manly, throaty wail.
Frasier, you may want
to call security.
As I got off the elevator,
I heard a woman screaming
hysterically.
That was me.
I was innocently conducting
some Brahms
when our madcap father
decided to startle me.
Oh, quit whining.
I used to scare you kids all the time
when we went camping
-- you used to love it.
Remember the story about the couple
making out in the
car who got slashed
by the killer
with the hook?
Yes, I remember
I couldn't kiss a woman in a c
until I was 30.
Yeah, well, your father
doesn't have that problem--
Mr. Reclining Bucket Seats.
(lascivious growl)
You want me to scream again?
Dad, when'd you get
the new cane?
Oh, Ronee got it for me.
Yeah, he's too young
for that old man can
e.
This is much
more his style
.
Give me a top hat,
and I'm Fred Astaire.
Add a monocle,
and you're Mr. Peanut.
Hey, Frasier. Coulrophobia?
I have a patient
who suffers from it.
What is it?
It's a very rare disorder,
a crippling fear of clowns
.
Yes, I'm treating a pediatric nurse
who is terrified
every time one comes to visit the child
ren at her hospital.
It's almost cost her her job.
Poor thing.
We're making
great progress.
Through some rather
groundbreaking techniques
I've devised, I think
we're close to a cure.
Really?
Yes.
I wouldn't be surprised
if this may turn out to be my...
clowning achievement.
(laughing)
That sounded better
in your head, didn't it?
Vastly.
Well, I don't blame her
for hating clowns.
They're weird and creepy.
That was one
of the reasons
I never took you kids
to the circus.
Which I always resented.
You know how much I wanted
to be a trapeze artist.
I even decorated a unitard
in the style
of the Flying Wallendas
to wear when we visited
the big top.
That was the other reason.
Well, I'll go check on dinner.
I'm gonna have
to make this
an early evening.
I'm leaving in
the morning to
visit my mother.
She moved last
year to Spokane.
I remember your mom.
She used to chaperone
our dances, right?
Oh, yeah.
She also taught
Sunday school andled the church choir.
day
Must've been a very windy
when the apple fell
from that tree.
(music box playing
"Pop! Goes the Weasel")
You're doing fine, Mimi.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
Right.
Just a tiny,
inanimate piece of plastic--
it couldn't
possibly hurt you.
(music continues)
I know.
You're doing great.
I feel good.
(screaming hysterically)
(gasping
and whimpering)
Much better.
(chuckles)
Really?
Yes, yes.
You're still in the
room; you didn't throw up.
That's a big improvement.
All right, now...
give me your hand.
Here's the tiny little hat.
Tiny little hat, right.
And the big red nose.
A big red nose.
Now, Mimi,
is there anything
you'd like to say
to our little clown friend?
Please don't kill me!
!
.
No
No, Mimi.
Oh, I-I mean, uh...
you're my friend,
and I like you.
Excellent, Mimi.
(laughs)
(chuckling):
All right, then.
Now, tomorrow
we will take our biggest step yet.
No, I really don't think...
No, no, I...
You are ready.
You are.
In the safety
of this environment,
you'll watch me transform myseIf
into a real live clown.
I will apply the makeup...
and then I'll put on
the clown suit
and the big funny shoes,
and time permitting,
I will make animal balloons.
And you really think
that'll work?
or
As long as you don't ask f
anything too complicated,
like a giraffe.
up.
Well, our time is
Um... all right,
then, Mimi,
I will see you tomorrow,
and rest assured,
I will talk you
through every step of the way.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
There willbe no surprises.
(screams)
(chuckling) :
I'm so... so sorry!
Here. There he goes.
All right, now.
I will see you
later, then.
All right.
(screams)
)
(chuckling
Again, I'm so sorry--
little fellow really is
he?
full of mischief, isn't
You mean you're not
controlling it?!
.
Yes. Yes,
of course I am
Anyway, I will, uh,
see you tomorrow.
Yeah.
Double session.
(whimpering)
(chuckles)
Boo!
(screeches)
(laughing)
What is the
matter with you?
You keep standing in empty rooms
with your back to the door.
an.
I'm only hum
Oh, I wish Ronee
could've seen that one.
I'm glad that your little
girlfriend is making you
feel young again,
but you're acting
Iike an irresponsible
adolescent.
(mocking) :
Irresponsible adolescent.
Mimicking me now.
(mocking) :
Mimicking me now.
Stop it. Did you specifically
come down here to torture me?
No. I'm picking up Niles
for a movie,
but he's still got someone in his office.
Yes, as do I, unfortunately.
Now, off you go.
Oh... when did you forget
how to have fun?
You've turned into
such a fuddy-duddy.
Well, forgive me
if I prefer humor
of a more elevated level.
,
I tell you
I might actually enjoy
one of your little japes one day
if you could come up
with something
with a bit more wit
and sophistication.
(phone ringing)
Hello?
Yes, well,
I'm afraid my calendar's
rather booked right now.
Well, all right.
I suppose I could try
to squeeze you in somewhere.
Uh... yes, uh,
and your last name, please?
Rection. That's unusual.
And your first name?
That's not funny, either, Dad.
Oh, hello, Roz
Hi.
Oh, thanks for
bringing that over
.No problem.
I'm warning you, though,
that clown makeup is
a *** to get off.
,
I wore it
for Alice's birthday party
and for a whole week afterwards,
I looked like a Kabuki ***.
Oh, yes,
that was around
the time
of the Seabee Awards ceremony.
I remember, you looked rather
comically made-up that night.
I'd gotten it off
by then.
Yoo-hoo, Frasier.
Don't be afraid.
I'm coming in the door.
Very funny, Dad.
Roz, do you think it's funny
when someone sneaks up
behind you
?
.
and jolts you out of your skin
--
Let me guess
somebody screamed like a woman.
Yes, all right.
Good night, Roz.
Bye.
I thought you were
having dinner with Niles.
He canceled.
Something else came up.
I'm just gonna watch
the game in my room.
All right.
But don't worry.
If I come out for a beer,
I'll call ahead.
Wouldn't want you to think
there was an intruder
in the house.
It's about ten years too late for that.
Dad, I'm going to go out
for a while!
See you later!
MARTIN:
All right, see you!
(jingles keys)
(rings doorbell repeatedly)
(vicious yell)
(screams)
(laughing)
Oh, you were right, Dad.
That's hilarious!
Not such
a fuddy-duddy now, am I?
That's quite
a comeback, Dad.
A heart attack.
Come on, get up.
Dad.
Dad, you can get up now.
Dad!
Frasier.
Niles...
Dad?
How's
Well, he's resting,
he's stable, his
color is good.
Can I see him?
They're running some tests.
The doctor should be out.
How did this happen?
Well, there's so many factors
in a case like this, Niles.
It's impossible to pinpoint
any one cause in particular.
Why are you dressed
like that?
Hmm?
.
Well, uh..
Oh, all right.
You remember my patient
with the clown phobia?
Oh, yes, of course.
I'm sorry.
Oh, Niles.
I feel just terrible
about this.
Frasier, you
feel terrible--
I was supposed to have
dinner with him tonight
and I canceled on him.
I would have been there
when it happened,
but no, I had to try out
those new bath emollients.
There's no point
in trying to assign blame
.
at a time like this, Niles
We must remember that.
You probably
saved his life.
Our father had
a heart attack.
This man
saved his life.
Well, I'm sure you would
have done the same thing
if you were in
my shoes, Niles.
Well, not these
shoes, of course.
(chuckles)
Hey.
Oh, Roz, hi.
Here are your clothes.
ad?
Thank you.
How's your d
He's fine now,
thanks to Frasier's
grace under pressure.
MAN:
You know, they say
the first few minutes
are critical.
Did you give him
an aspirin?
Uh... yes, I did.
He's been taking care
of his dad for ten years.
God bless him.
What a good son.
Uh, excuse me,
Dr. Crane.
I have to verify
the paramedics' report.
Around 7:00 this evening
you pretended to leave
your apartment...
Yes, that's right.
It's all there.
.
Off you go
Then you dressed up
like a clown
and lured your father
into the living room
where you leapt out
waving a meat cleaver
causing him to collapse.
You scared him on purpose?
It was a joke.
You know how much
he hates clowns.
My father hates clowns.
Yes, well, it was only meant
as a playful little jolt.
Why didn't you just
throw a toaster in his tub?
Dr. Crane.
Oh, yes.
Your father's doing well.
He appears to have suffered
a mild cardiac event.
?
.
And what
does that mean exactly
Basically,
it's a warning.
He'll need to change
his diet, start exercising.
Anyway, he should be able
to go home tomorrow.
What relief.
He's going to be okay.
No thanks to you.
NILES:
Look at you.
You just stand there
with a smile on your face.
That's makeup, you idiot.
May I remind you all
that this was an accident.
It was meant as
a harmless amusement.
I will not stand here
and be demonized for this.
!
.
I am not a monster
)
(screaming
(screaming continues)
Okay, Dad, just
take it easy.
I'm fine.
Hey, there's my guy.
Daddy's home fro
m the little vacation
your brother Frasier
sent me on.
All right, Dad.
Daphne's on her way over
to join us
for a nice
heart-smart dinner.
Oh, and, Dad, you really
should take a look
at this list the hospital
sent home with us.
Now, the foods that have
a little picture
of a smiling heart next to them
are good for you.
Yeah, I cracked
that code already.
Frasier, I wish you'd
stop coddling me.
I know you're sorry
and you didn't mean
to give me a heart attack.
Not a heart attack, Dad.
A cardiac event.
You know, maybe we can
look on this as a sign
that you should begin
a healthier lifestyle.
Perhaps one day
we'll look back on this
it.
and you'll thank me for
NILES:
Oh, yes.
Maybe then you can find
a nice card for Frasier
Iike, "Now that I'm old
and looking back,
I thank you for
my heart attack. "
Cardiac event.
.
Here. Give me
this, will you
No, Dad, here,
I'll take this
in your room for you.
Why don't you just
go sit down and rest.
Were you able to reach
Ronee at her mom's?
No.
Well, here,
you can try now.
No, because
I'm not telling her.
What?
She doesn't need to know
every little thing
that goes on in my life.
Dad, you had
a heart attack.
Cardiac event.
And it's over.
- Dad...
- It's over.
Dad, are you afraid
she'll start seeing
you differently?
Well, you see
me differently.
"Let me have that
suitcase, Dad. "
"Just sit down and rest. "
I don't need her thinking
of me as some feeble old guy.
Do you really want to keep such
an enormous secret from her?
Well, not forever.
You and Niles can tell her
after I'm dead.
(doorbell ringing)
Oh, that'll be Daphne.
She's not
cooking, is she?
I just got out
of the hospital.
Ronee.
Surprise, boys.
?
.
And start pouring.
How you doing, sweetie
.
Hey. Thought you were at your mother's
Oh, you know,
I cut it short.
.
It was just too depressing
Every since her operation,
she just sits around all day
Iike she's a hundred.
Nice flowers.
"Get well soon"?
Oh, I got those for Frasier.
He has a little...
man problem.
Flares up every
once in a while.
(laughing):
Frasier has a man problem.
Shut up, you nit.
Hey, thank God
for antibiotics, huh?
I'll be right back,
and then you want to go out
and get some ribs?
Ribs sounds great.
her.
Well, I'm not telling
You heard what she said about her mother.
Watch me.
And how are you going
to explain the fact
that you can't eat ribs tonight
or the new medication
that you're on
or the fact that you
can't have sex
?
.
for the next two weeks
.
Who says?
It's on the list
What little picture
is next to that one?
Dad...
Listen, if she's not able
to handle something like this,
isn't it better
if you know now?
Okay, Marty,
let's go pig out.
Niles, help me put this stuff away, will you?
Good seeing you again, Ronee.
Yeah, you, too, and I'm glad
you're feeling better.
Sorry?
.
You know, your man problem
!
.
Ha
FRASIER:
Keep laughing, you're going
to have a man problem.
You know, I'm not
that hungry right now.
Do you mind if we
just sit for awhile?
No, no, it's fine.
You want me to go
get you a beer?
No, thanks.
So, uh...
did you have good weather
over there in Spokane?
Oh, God, it rained
the entire time.
I basically just sat there
and made boring small talk
with my mother.
God, I hate small talk.
Oh, tell me.
Rained here some, too.
know.
I don't
I just hope it doesn't scare her off.
Maybe she'll surprise us.
Does Ronee ever spend
the night here?
Yeah, on occasion.
Oh, good. 'Cause there's
some underwear in this drawer
I was really hoping
didn't belong to Dad.
Oh, look at this.
fun.
Dad was right-- we're
camping and we're having
Look how happy we are.
No, the car's packed.
We're leaving.
God, what pains we were.
Didn't want to get
our hands dirty,
didn't want to go fishing,
didn't want to sleep
on the ground,
but he kept taking us...
year after year just
so he could spend time with us.
And frighten us to death
with stories
of hook-armed slashers.
You know, no matter
how frightened I got,
as soon as Dad started
laughing again,
I knew that everything was safe.
I'm not ready
to lose him, Niles.
Me neither.
And I don't want my
child to miss knowing him.
Who else is going to teach him
how to catch a football ball?
You know, 1 1 years ago
when he moved in here,
I couldn't imagine
a bigger infringement
.
on my life
Now... I can't imagine
my life without him.
It would be very hard
to walk into this apartment
and see that chair...
and know that Dad
wasn't here anymore.
Oh, I'd get rid
of that chair immediately.
So you made it from Spokane
on one tank? Wow.
Yeah, that was really
one for the books.
Okay, Marty,
what's going on?
What?
Well, I feel like you have
something on your mind
me.
that you're not telling
No, I don't.
..
It's just.
Boy, this is hard.
say.
I'm just nervous about
what you're going to
Marty, just...
,
Yesterday I had a mild
very mild cardiac event.
A what?
I had a little heart attack.
And that's it?
What do you mean, that's it?
I had a heart attack, for God's sake!
No surgery,
home the next day.
That's a bee sting.
.
Did they use the paddles?
No
.
Well, talk to me after
they've used the paddles
You had the paddles?
Let's just say I didn't have
the best lipo guy.
Well, I'm sorry if it'
s not dramatic enough for you.
Look, after all that buildup
I just thought it would be
something bigger, you know,
Iike you were going
to break up with me
or pop the question
or something.
And FYI, the next time
you're in the hospital,
I would appreciate a phone call,
if it's not too much trouble.
.
Fine. And FYI, I'm
not breaking up with you
Well, I know that now.
And if I was going to do
that other thing,
it wouldn't be here.
What other thing?
Pop the question.
Oh.
sake.
It'd be someplace
romantic, for God's
Tablecloths.
Nice.
nice.
Damn right
it'd be
So?
So what?
So what would
you have said ?
How should I know?
You didn't ask me.
So say I am now.
.
What?
Asking you
Well, are you
or aren't you?
am.
I
Okay then.
Okay.
?
.
Okay, what
Okay, I will.
Yeah ?
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
Maybe Dad's right.
I'm getting
stuck in my ways.
I like the way things are.
I don't want them to change.
Well, don't worry.
He's not going
anywhere for awhile.
Hey, guys, guess what.
I'm getting married!