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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
Ah, this hunting trip is long overdue.
Yeah, I mean, it's just too bad that all the-the animals
are so spread out, you know?
I mean, wouldn't it be awesome if-if they were all
grouped together, like in a cafeteria,
and you could just go in there with a trench coat
and just waste them?
Well, maybe I can stir up some quail or pheasant
with my patented bird calls.
Birds! Quail! Pheasant!
Come on out!
I'm a bird of the opposite sex who's interested in mating!
(gasps) Did you hear that?
We're gonna get laid!
Billy, Billy, come on.
Don't be stupid.
Should've taken the shot, fat-***.
Ah, ah, ow!
(whimpering)
Hey, Peter, you got your safety on, right?
Yeah, of course.
Okay, 'cause your gun is pointing right at me.
Well, you want me to pull the trigger
and prove it to you?
No, I just want to make sure your safety's on.
There. See, Quagmire?
Safety's on.
Now this is a gun without a safety.
(screams)
Quite the difference, huh?
Damn it, Peter, you son of a ***!
You shot me!
Oh, my God, Peter!
That might be the dumbest thing you've ever done.
No, the dumbest thing I ever did
was open that can of whup-***.
(grunting)
Lois, why did you buy this?!
LOIS: It was on sale!
A writer who inherits a magic typewriter
that writes for him,
but then it turns out the typewriter is... racist?
Totally makes sense.
Older technology, older world view.
And that is a good day.
I earned some banana bread.
(phone ringing)
Oh, crap.
It's Dylan.
Dylan? Your son?
I haven't heard you mention him in ages.
Yeah, I-I decided to step away from the whole situation.
The last thing he needs is a father who's,
you know, sometimes there, sometimes not.
Really? When-when was the part when you were there?
Hey, if I click "ignore,"
will he know that I'm sending him to voice mail?
Hey, Dylan!
Hey, it's Stewie!
Yeah, I'm right here with your dad!
Hey... hey, Dylan.
Hey, Dad!
I know we haven't talked in a while,
but I'm calling because I'm on my way to Quahog.
Oh, really?
W-When are you getting here?
Oh, don't say Tuesday!
Aw, aw, I'm at the... I'm at the...
I'm out at the project all day.
Aw, hands on, indispensable.
They-they need me there, so, wow.
Rats. Bummer.
I can cover for you at the project, Brian!
Go see your boy!
DYLAN: Dad, who's your coworker?
He sounds nice.
He's widely disliked here, but, uh...
I'll meet you Tuesday at the coffee shop.
Sounds great. I'll see you then.
Okay, b-bye.
See? Don't you feel better?
You're gonna go to that lunch,
you're gonna reconnect with your son.
It'll be great.
I don't know, Stewie.
Trust me, you should take my advice.
I mean, I'm the guy who told Michael Chiklis
to wear tight shirts.
I'll tell you anything you want,
just get your *** out of my face!
You know the difference between you and me, dirtbag?
No matter how muscular I get, I will never be muscular.
Hey, Quagmire, what's with the cast?
Did you hurt your arm after I shot you in the arm?
The shooting was the injury, Peter!
Look, I already said I was sorry, like, a hundred times.
Oh, and before I forget, I want my Huey Lewis CD back.
Well, I want a new drug.
Okay, at least you've been using it.
But I want it back, Peter.
Ooh-ah.
Damn it, Peter, just give it back.
I can't give it back. I lost it in a poker game.
I didn't think he could beat a two.
Where the hell do you get off
betting my CD in a poker game?
I don't think I like your tone.
W-What? You're-you're saying I'm being the unreasonable one?!
Geez, calm down, you guys.
No, no, Joe, Joe, Joe,
it's time somebody said this to him.
Peter Griffin, you are an idiot!
You can't even walk and chew gum at the same time.
Peter, come on!
Walk over here.
(chewing)
I'm doing something.
One thing at a time.
Damn it, Peter, that's it!
I am done! I'm done with you!
I'm done with all your crap!
I never want to speak to you again!
This friendship is over!
Well, fine!
I don't need your friendship!
I got other friends.
I got my silent movie friends.
(tinny piano music playing)
Coming up, we'll meet a Filipino man
who actually has a grown-up haircut.
Hey, what are you still doing here?
Aren't you supposed to be having lunch with Dylan?
Yeah, you know, Stewie, I've been thinking about it.
And I haven't seen him in years,
and at this point, I-I just don't see
what could possibly be gained
from me getting together with him.
In entertainment news, Hollywood comes to Quahog
in the form of a new Disney Channel show
called Parent Boppers,
about a group of teen detectives.
The show, set and filmed right here in Rhode Island,
stars local teen and Irish trash Dylan Flannigan.
Brian, did you hear that?
Your son's gonna be a TV star!
Brian?
(engine revs, tires squeal)
He's off to lunch, Meg.
Oh, that dog o' mine!
That's Mike Drunkbeater.
Look it up on the Internet.
(man singing):
Wow, my son Dylan on a TV show.
Funny how life turns out, isn't it?
You remember that weekend we watched TV together?
Boy, little did I know how much that was gonna rub off.
Did we watch TV together?
Oh, probably. But, wow, huh?
And-and you know what's weird?
You're on a show... I'm a writer.
It's-it's almost like the universe is trying to...
(chuckling): ...I don't know,
make us work together or something, I don't know.
You... you want a job on my show?
Hey, hey, don't put the universe's words
in my mouth, okay?
I don't know, Dad.
I've-I've barely seen you in the past few years.
So, what better way to reconnect
than by working together every day?
Well, I suppose I could talk to them,
see if they'd go for it.
Why wouldn't they?
I-I mean, it wouldn't be
the craziest idea in show business.
When I grow up,
I want to stick my head through a circle
at the beginning of movies and roar.
(laughter)
What's up now, ***?!
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Saving Private Ryan,
brought to you without commercial interruption
by Mazda.
(men grunting, gunfire in distance)
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
(whispering): Zoom zoom.
Hey, Jerome, can you clear out my booth?
Looks like somebody left their trash here.
Jerome, can you tell that (bleep) (bleep) (bleep)
to (bleep) get the hell out of here
before I (bleep) kick him in the face?
Peter, why don't you just sit in that booth over there?
Oh, man, that's where the after-work secretaries sit.
What about Mr. Demerson? Is he single?
I... I-I don't know.
What about Mr. Adelaide? Is he single?
I don't know who that is.
Well, who do you know who is single?
Uh, I'm assuming you.
Oh-oh, hey, look! Cake!
Hey, Joe! Hey, Joe, I'm over here!
Joe! Joe! Come sit with me!
Come on, you guys.
Joe, I got a box of salt water taffies,
and you can have two.
Joe, I got a deck of cards
you can put in your wheels to look cool.
Joe, I'll do the wavy stomach for you.
(chuckles) Looks like a real wave.
Joe, I can scream your name real loud!
Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe!
I can yell it louder!
Joe! Joe! Joe!
Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe!
What the hell is going on here?!
I'm in there trying to take a leak!
What, you think I'm here to amuse you?
You made me dribble on my Bruno Maglis
turning to see who's calling my name!
Joe Pesci thought we were talking to him
'cause his name is Joe.
Oh, you don't know who Joe Pesci is, 'cause you're 14.
You see, in the '90s, this was a tough guy.
Hey, multiracial group of friends,
you want to hang out?
Cut! That's a five.
Tell my assistant I fell asleep with a *** on again,
and to bring scissors to my trailer.
All right, guys, before we begin today,
I want to introduce our newest staff writer, Brian Griffin.
Hi, guys.
Yes, I am that Brian Griffin.
You probably have my novel, but just so you know, in here,
I'm just one of the guys, all right?
You have my novel, right?
Nope? No?
You got it, though. Nope?
You got it?
Nope, nobody's got it.
All right.
Okay, so we got to come up with a story
for next week's episode.
How about we do one
where DJ gets his driver's license?
I don't think we've done that.
Love that idea.
No, no, no.
Guys, guys, come on, where's the STWISTUSION?
Really? Really?
I'm the only guy here who's heard of that?
Stakes, twists, conclusion-- STWISTUSION.
That sounds made up.
Let me ask you something: are you afraid right now?
What? No.
That's what's wrong.
You should be, you know?
Art is scary.
This is writing, man.
The viewer wants to be ***.
Are you saying my nine-year-old daughter wants to be ***?
Now you're asking the right questions.
Now you're being creative, thinking outside the box.
Take what you think you know and go a different way with it.
Like-like, for instance, what if the daughter in Taken
was Zooey Deschanel?
Send me her head.
Peter, Quagmire, I've called you here today
because this has got to stop.
The petty vying for my attention,
the late-night phone calls, the attack ads.
NARRATOR: Glenn Quagmire claims to be
Joe Swanson's good friend.
But would a "good friend" not return a leaf blower
for four months during the leafy season?
I'm Peter Griffin,
and I broke into a news station to make this.
MAN: Hey, who's that guy?
(gasps)
(static crackling)
Well, look, you guys have given me no alternative.
I have to choose one of you.
So I choose Quagmire.
Suck it!
I'm sorry, Peter,
it's just that Quagmire's been there
for me in some pretty dark days.
And he's been a wonderful godfather to Susie.
(girl giggles)
There she is, my little Susie-woozie!
(both laugh)
I love Susie more! Come here, Susie!
Uncle Peter's gonna give you a raspberry.
(blows raspberry)
Peter, that's not where you do a raspberry.
I closed my eyes too early.
I think it's best if you leave.
Oh, yeah?
Well, maybe I'll hang out with my godson, Kevin.
KEVIN: Get out!
He was *** with a knife.
We're rolling!
My stupid parents want me to wear a bike helmet.
Parents are lame.
Hold on, other kids. Maybe they just recognize
that nothing can protect us from the tedium
of our mundane lives.
Aren't we all on bikes without helmets?
Sometimes I just want to put this gun in my mouth.
Cut! Your line is "That's right, Cameron."
I know. My dad wrote that one for me.
Again with this?
Yesterday, you had Dakota give herself
an abdomen-punch abortion during her volleyball tournament.
Hey, seventh grade can be hell.
Brian, you're fired.
Wait, what?!
Sorry, Brian, but you're done.
Oh, come on! You can't fire a writer in the middle of a show!
That would be like a doctor leaving
in the middle of a surgery!
(monitor beeping steadily)
Help!
I'm supposed to have surgery, but my doctor disappeared.
Okay, Josh, this is the shot you've been waiting for.
Okay, Derek, this is the shot
you've been waiting for.
Dylan, Dylan, there you are!
Listen, you can't let them fire me!
You're the star of the show!
Dad, believe me, I want you to work here with me,
but you can't keep doing things like that.
And they know you took those cases
of Diet Coke home last night.
I thought they were anybody's Diet Coke!
I work at home!
Oh, hey, by the way, are we all getting those backpacks
with the name of the show on them?
You know what, Dad?
I'm starting to think that you've just been
using me to advance your career!
God! You're a terrible father!
I never want to see you again!
(sighs)
My God, he's right.
I am a terrible father.
(backup alarm beeps)
Brian, do you know where...
What the hell are you drinking?
Is that Rite Aid- brand whiskey?
(sighs)
Stewie, I just feel so awful about what happened with Dylan.
I mean, every terrible thing he said about me is true.
Well, you're a terrible guy, Bri.
I think being a paid writer again just went to my head.
I mean, I just... I can't believe I was so selfish.
It's-it's like Dylan just held a mirror up to me,
and I could finally see how poorly I'd been treating him.
I guess I didn't realize how lucky I was to have Dylan back
in my life until I lost him all over again.
Well, maybe you should just apologize.
I tried to.
I mean, I texted him "S-R-Y frowny face."
I mean, he knows that I'm sorry and that I'm sad.
(gasps) What are you guys doing up so early?
What-what are we...
Where have you been?
Well, I certainly wasn't at the Shriners' convention.
You know what I think, Brian?
I think you've got to get down to that set
and apologize face-to-face.
(sighs) You're right.
I just... I hope he's willing to hear me out, you know?
(groans) I'm the worst father ever.
I'm even worse than Marvin Gaye's dad.
Happy Father's Day, Dad.
Marvin, if this another tie, I'm gonna kill you.
Well, looks like it's just you and me, shadow.
CROWD: Shadow!
Oh, hey, is, uh... is Dylan back here?
Sorry, Brian, Dylan says he doesn't want to see you anymore.
We're not allowed to let you in.
Well, you know what? I'm sorry, too.
For this!
(grunts)
Yeah, you know, you probably would've had a better shot
if you hadn't yelled "For this!"
You know, that-that kind of telegraphed
what you were gonna do.
Ah, Stewie, it's no use.
They're never gonna let us in.
Well, maybe you can't get in,
but I think I know someone who can.
Zac Sawyer?
I'm Zac Sawyer. Say "when."
Acting.
Singing: pop, classical, light opera, Italian.
Dancing: classical, tap, jazz.
Horse riding. Can I? Yes.
Accents: 13.
South American, South African,
British upper class, British Cockney.
"What, Govnah?" Somebody gonna stop me?
Fencing, nunchucks.
Driving? Yes. Automatic and standard...
Okay, okay. Wow.
You're the worst.
Welcome aboard.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to The Love Boat with Somali Pirates.
I am the captain now.
Well, okay, but that means
you're in charge of getting Mr. Devlin to admit
that after 30 years,
he still loves Mrs. Devlin very much.
That is not the captain's responsibility!
Well, maybe not where you come from,
but here on the Love Boat...
Now, who is Mr. Devlin?
Try skinny-dipping with her like when you were kids.
Hey, Lois, if I was gonna kill myself,
do I slit my wrists this way or this way?
MEG: Sideways for attention, long way for results!
Meg is right.
Okay, I'll be in the garage.
Peter, put that knife down.
Lois, I don't have any friends!
So I'm gonna kill myself
and get a full page in the yearbook.
Then they can't ignore me.
Who's that?
I don't know.
Okay, Zac, remember, your character's name
is Tevin Ashe-Taylor.
You surf and enjoy surfing.
In this scene, DJ Slopes is thinking
of quitting the detective agency,
and you're like, "No way."
Got it.
We're rolling!
Listen, Tevin, I think I just need more time
to focus on my snowboarding
and Web series about energy drinks.
No, man, you got to stay in the detective agency.
It's what your dad would want.
What? What are you talking about?
What the hell's that new kid doing?
This isn't in the script.
I'm talking about your dad, DJ.
He sent me here with a message.
He said he can't believe he was so selfish.
It's like you held a mirror up to him
and he could finally see how poorly he'd been treating you.
He didn't realize how lucky he was...
Stay on me, camera one.
...to have you back in his life,
and now he feels like he's lost you all over again.
But how do I know he won't just hurt me again?
You don't. You never know that.
But isn't taking a risk better than not having a dad?
Yeah, I guess you're right.
You're damn right I am.
Cut!
You know, I don't know where any of that came from,
but I liked it.
Who are you?
I'm Zac Sawyer.
And I go where I'm needed.
♪ Here I go again on my own ♪
♪ Going down the only road I've ever known. ♪
Where you headed?
Wherever I'm needed.
No, no, it does not work like that.
I need to put address in machine.
Okay, maybe, you can just take me home then.
Where is home?
I-I don't know.
It's-it's my mom and dad's house,
but I don't know the address!
I take you airport.
Okay!
All right, Quagmire, I have given this a lot of thought.
I need you to shoot me in the arm
so we can be friends again.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
No, no, I was supposed to offer,
and then you were supposed to say, "No, Peter,
"I'm not gonna shoot you,
although I do appreciate the gesture."
Hand me the gun, Peter.
I, uh... I passed the test?
No, Peter. I'm gonna shoot you like a dirty animal.
But-but just the fact
that I would make the offer is so meaningful to you.
Your offer means nothing, Peter.
The only thing that means anything to me
is a bullet in your arm. Now give me that!
Stop! Stop! Quagmire, let go!
Come on! You're not leaving here without being shot!
Look, I was trying to do the decent thing,
like you'd see in a movie!
I'm putting that bullet in your arm, Peter!
Ah! Son of a ***!
It's over. We're all friends again.
What the hell, Joe?!
I'm just trying to settle this nonsense.
Nothing got settled! You shot him!
I'm the one who has to shoot him!
Wait a second. All right, then I get to shoot Joe, all right?
He shot me! I mean, if we're doing things fair here, then...
All right, we're good.
Hey, Dad.
Dylan?
I went to your house,
and Chris told me you'd be here.
Look, Dylan, I-I'm really sorry I hurt you.
I've been a really bad father, like Ernest Hemmingway
or-or some other great writer.
But if-if you'll give me a chance,
I-I'd like to try to change that.
I'd like that, too, Dad.
Peter, I'm so glad you patched things up with your friends.
(slurring): Have I told you that we're all friends again?
Yes, Peter, we were just talking about it.
They're gonna take me to the zoo and roll me around.
We're all friends again.
( engine stops )
( grunts )
OOPS, MISSED ONE.
( groans )
YOU KNOW, THE FIRST TIME I CHOPPED A HEAD OFF,
I WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD.
IT WAS A RABBIT.
HE'D BEEN BREAKING ALL THE RABBIT RULES.
EVERYONE KNOWS RABBITS HOP AND EAT CARROTS.
BUT THIS RABBIT WALKED
AND ATE COCONUTS.
SO I CHOPPED ITS HEAD OFF.
I KNEW MY MOM WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND,
SO I HID HIS HEAD IN MY FAVORITE LUNCH BOX
AND TOSSED IT INTO THE WATER.
THAT WAS MY FIRST TIME BEING A HERO.
GOOD TALK.
NOW BYE.
( grunts )
( moans )
HEY, LIFE VEST ON.
YOU KNOW THE RULES, KIDDO!
SON!? WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?
Boy: ONE DAY, AT THE SCENE OF THE FIRE
THE COP FOUND THE PERFECT AXE.
THAT WAS THE DAY HE BECAME AXE COP!
SO HE HAD TRYOUTS AND HIRED A PARTNER.
Axe Cop: I WILL CHOP YOUR HEADS OFF!
OOOH CHIHUAHUA, AXE COP,
DON'T KILL THE MESSENGER, BUT I GOT SOME BAD NEWS.
OUR GUN BILL WAS THROUGH THE ROOF LAST MONTH. HOLY COW.
IF WE WANNA BUY MORE BULLETS, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GET SECOND JOBS.
( knocks )
( Axe Cop reading )
HEY, FLUTE COP, WHAT'S THE KIND OF DAD
THAT GETS PAID TO BE A DAD?
I THINK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT A FOSTER DAD.
PROBLEM SOLVED, FLUTE COP.
I WILL BE YOUR FOSTER DAD
AND I'LL USE THE MONEY TO BUY BULLETS.
OR NOT. AXE COP, AS A DAD I HAVE TO SAY THIS,
I JUST HAVE TO SAY IT: RAISING A CHILD IS A HUGE RESPONSIBILITY.
I KNOW. THAT'S WHY I'M GOING TO FIND HIM A MOM TO TAKE CARE OF HIM.
OH, AXE COP! LAST YEAR, ME AND A COUPLE BUDDIES
FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS PLACE OUT IN THE DESERTS OF LAS VEGAS
WHERE FOR A SMALL FEE, THEY'LL SET YOU UP WITH A GIRL.
- HOW MUCH DOES IT COST? - $15.
YOU TWO STAY HERE AND BABYSIT MY FOSTER SON.
- GREY DIAMOND AND I ARE GOING TO LAS VEGAS. - WHOO-HOO!
THEY HAVE A ROLLER COASTER ON TOP OF A HOTEL.
...AND THE SECOND-BEST BRUNCH IS AT LUCKY LUCY'S SALOON.
IT'S GREAT, BUT YOU GOTTA GET THERE EARLY
'CAUSE THEY RUN OUT OF FRENCH TOAST FAST.
Axe Cop: THIS IS THE PLACE.
- ( Axe Cop grunts ) - WHOA!
( car alarm blaring )
HELLO, WELCOME TO THE PERFECT MATCH MACHINE AND WEDDING CHAPEL.
BEFORE WE GET STARTED, WE'RE GONNA NEED YOU TO FILL OUT THIS FORM.
I DON'T FILL OUT FORMS, TODD.
GIMME THAT! I LOVE PAPERWORK.
ONE TIME ME AND MY BUDDY FILLED OUT LIKE 10 FORMS AT ONCE.
- IT WAS LIKE, WHAT? - NOW STEP INTO THE MACHINE.
IT WILL SCAN YOUR BRAIN AND FIND YOUR PERFECT MATCH.
( chimes, booms )
( printer clacks )
WHAT THE HECK?
IN MY 20 YEARS OF WORKING HERE
I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS.
YOU ARE THE ULTIMATE MAN.
TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW, TODD.
THERE IS LITERALLY NOT A SINGLE WOMAN ON THIS PLANET
- GOOD ENOUGH FOR AXE COP. - LET'S GET OUTTA HERE, GREY DIAMOND.
AWESOME! THAT GIVES US SOME TIME TO HIT THE STRIP
AND TRY OUR LUCK ON SOME GAMES OF CHANCE.
WEXTER! ( whistles )
- ( glass smashes ) - ( growls )
( groans ) I LOST EVERYTHING
IN THE CASINOS OF LAS VEGAS.
FOSTER KID, I COULDN'T FIND YOU A MOM IN LAS VEGAS
SO THAT LEAVES ME WITH NO CHOICE.
I CAN'T BE YOUR DAD.
AXE COP, YOU JUST CAN'T FOSTER A CHILD AND THEN DECIDE YOU DON'T WANT HIM.
YOU NEED TO TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY.
HMMM, MY TRI-ANNUAL LEARN OUT FOR KIDS
- IS COMING UP THIS WEEKEND. - OH, THAT'S PERFECT!
THAT WOULD REALLY GIVE YOU TWO SOME FATHER-FOSTER SON BONDING TIME.
AND IF I TEACH HIM HOW TO BE MORE LIKE ME, THE ULTIMATE MAN,
HE COULD BE THE ULTIMATE SON!
( dramatic music playing )
NOW IF YOU'RE HERE FOR SOCKARANG'S SOCKATTACKS 101,
FOLLOW HIM TO CABIN "B."
WHO'S READY TO GO NUTS?!
- SOCKATTACK! SOCKATTACK! - ( kids laughing )
IF YOU'RE HERE FOR GREY DIAMOND'S "BEST FRIEND" SEMINAR,
- RAISE YOUR HAND. - ( cheering )
NOW THE THING TO CONSIDER WHEN PICKING A BEST FRIEND
IS WHO LIVES CLOSEST TO YOUR HOUSE.
- DINOSAURS, FOLLOW WEXTER. - ( roars )
AND IF YOU'RE HERE FOR THE AXE LEARN OUT,
PICK UP YOUR WOODEN AXES AND FOLLOW ME.
I SAID DINOSAURS FOLLOW WEXTER!
( sighs )
- ( grunting ) - RIGHT. RIGHT.
RIGHT.
- ( whistle *** ) WRONG! - WHOA WHOA WHOA!
AXE COP, CAN I HAVE A QUICK WORD WITH YOU?
YOU GOT TO LIGHTEN UP ON THAT KID.
HOW ABOUT INSTEAD OF YELLING AT HIM,
YOU SHOW HIM HOW TO IMPROVE.
BUT HE'S TERRIBLE AT EVERYTHING.
THERE'S NO WAY HE COULD BE MY FOSTER SON.
THE KID JUST NEEDS SOME ENCOURAGEMENT.
I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT, AXE COP.
( sighs )
PSST, KID, YOU ASLEEP?
I WANNA TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT ME
THAT YOU PROBABLY DON'T KNOW. I HAVE THREE WORLD RECORDS.
THE FIRST IS FOR THE MOST AXE BLADES.
- ( grunts ) - I JUST PUSHED A BUTTON ON MY AXE
- AND 1,000 BLADES CAME OUT. - ( screaming )
THE SECOND IS FOR BEING THE WORLD'S FASTEST CHOPPER.
I PUSHED A BUTTON ON MY CHEST
AND A ROBOTIC ARM CAME OUT
AND FED ME AN AXE STAR ENERGY DRINK.
I RAN PAST 1,000 BAD GUYS
SUPER FAST.
BUT IT WAS SO FAST, MY AXE WAS INVISIBLE.
WAIT, WHAT?
MY THIRD WORLD RECORD WAS THE HARDEST TO GET.
I WENT TO JUMP SCHOOL,
WHICH WAS TAUGHT BY JUMP MAN.
HE COULD JUMP JUST A LITTLE BIT INTO SPACE.
BEING THE BEST JUMPER
IS THE ONLY THING THAT GIVES ME JO-OOOY!
Axe Cop: BUT I MADE MY PARENTS LET ME
KEEP GOING TO JUMP SCHOOL EVERY YEAR.
I WAS GOING TO GO UNTIL I COULD BEAT JUMP MAN.
AND ONE DAY, I DID IT.
- I JUMPED ALL THE WAY INTO OUTER SPACE. - ( gasps )
- NO! - THAT'S HOW I GOT THE WORLD RECORD FOR HIGHEST JUMPER.
( sobs ) NO.
THE POINT IS I HAVE THREE WORLD RECORDS
WHEN MOST EVERYONE HAS NONE.
BUT I HAD TO WORK HARD TO GET THEM--
AT LEAST I HAD TO WORK HARD TO GET ONE OF THEM.
GOOD NIGHT, FOSTER SON.
( whooshing, thudding )
( grunts ) OH, NOT BAD,
BUT YOU ARE STILL KICKING A LITTLE TOO HIGH.
TRY IT AGAIN, BUT LOWER.
I THINK YOU'RE READY FOR SOMETHING MORE ADVANCED.
AXE FACE KICK!
- POUNCING TIGER KICK! - ( roars )
SPINNING TORNADO KICK!
I SAW A LOT OF LOSERS
TURN TO WINNERS THIS WEEKEND.
BUT THERE WAS ONLY ONE SUPER WINNER
- WHO LEARNED ALL THE KICKS. - EVEN THE FLAMING FALCON KICK?
- MM-HMM. - EVEN THE UPSIDE DOWN FACE KICK?
- YEP. - EVEN THE SPINNING TORNADO KICK?
- WITH A PLUM. - WOW. GOOD JOB, LITTLE GUY.
HERE'S YOUR VERY OWN REAL AXE.
I'M PROUD OF YOU. YOU'RE NOT JUST MY FOSTER SON,
YOU'RE MY ULTIMATE SON. NOW FOLLOW ME.
IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO BECOME A HERO,
LIKE YOUR ULTIMATE DAD.
SEE THAT HOLE?
IT'S FILLED WITH A LOT OF GOOD RABBITS.
BUT THERE'S ALWAYS ONE WHO BREAKS ALL THE RULES.
SO WHEN HE STROLLS OUT HERE
CASUALLY EATING A COCONUT,
THAT'S WHEN I WANT YOU TO CHOP HIS HEAD OFF.
IT'S TIME. DO IT NOW.
( sniffs )
- NOW! - ( growls )
( grunting )
ULTIMATE SON, WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU?
( distorted voice ) I'M NOT YOUR ULTIMATE SON.
I'M YOUR ULTIMATE ENEMY-- THE SOUL OF YOUR FIRST KILL.
AND NOW I'M BACK TO KILL YOU.
YOU'RE THE SOUL OF THE RABBIT THAT BROKE ALL THE RULES?
I'LL CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF AGAIN!
YOU CAN'T DEFEAT ME!
YOU'VE TAUGHT ME ALL OF YOUR KICKS, DUMMY.
WRONG. THERE'S ONE KICK I DIDN'T TEACH YOU
BECAUSE IT DIDN'T EXIST UNTIL NOW.
- AXE COP SOUL KICK! - ( soul yells )
( roars )
( moans )
ALL I EVER WANTED TO DO
WAS WALK AROUND
AND EAT COCONUTS.
THEN YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN BORN A RABBIT.
- AHHH! - ( screams )
WHERE AM I?!
HMM. THERE GOES ALL THAT FOSTER-DAD MONEY.
AH, I GUESS I WAS WRONG, BUDDY.
I'M SORRY I TOLD YOU TO TAKE THAT KID UNDER YOUR WING.
BUT I STILL THINK SPENDING TIME WITH HIM TAUGHT YOU A VERY VALUABLE LESSON.
RIGHT? NO?
- YEAH, RIGHT? - YES, IT DID.
I LEARNED THAT IF YOU'RE GOING TO KILL SOMETHING,
YOU HAVE TO MAKE SURE YOU KILL ITS SOUL TOO.
YEAH, THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.
YOU WERE MY FOSTER SON,
BUT I NEVER GAVE YOU A NAME.
NOW I CAN.
LAST NAME "RABBIT,"
FIRST NAME...
"DEAD."
( flute playing "Amazing Grace" )
( hits awkward note ) AH, HOLD ON.
( hits awkward note ) IT SOUNDS WRONG.
IT'S LIKE OFF TUNE, RIGHT? WHAT IS THAT?
- ( beeps ) - ( gavel bangs )
UH, OKAY, ALL IN FAVOR OF MRS. BUDNICK'S MOTION
TO STRAIGHTEN THE BENT STOP SIGN DOWN ON 2nd STREET,
- SAY "AYE" OR-- - AYE.
- AYE. - ( coughs )
ALL RIGHT, WE'VE GOT ONE--
- ( heavy metal music playing ) - COWER, WORTHLESS MORTALS...
- ( groans ) - ...FOR YOU ARE TO BE HONORED
WITH THE PRESENCE OF GOLAN THE INSATIABLE!
GODLORD TERRIBLE OF GKRUOOL,
CRUSHER OF WILLS, DEFILER OF ALL!
GREETINGS, SCRAWNY FOOLS
OF THE OAK GROVE CITY COUNCIL!
THURSDAY MARKS THE SEX MOON FEAST OF ALL SEX.
I SHALL BE STAGING A TRADITIONAL DEATH ***,
THE BLOODIEST THAT ANY EYES HAVE BEHELD
AT THE LARGE GAZEBO AT TARN HILL COMMUNITY PARK
FROM, LIKE,
I GUESS 2:00 TO 4:00 P.M.--
I MEAN, WHENEVER PEOPLE CAN MAKE IT.
GOLAN. ( chuckles ) WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS.
MACKENZIE B. HAS ALREADY RESERVED THE GAZEBO FOR HER NINTH BIRTHDAY PARTY.
- ( yelps ) - WHAT?! ( laughs )
YOU ARE LAUGHABLY SMALL, MACKENZIE B.
- ( gasps ) - I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE.
- ( yelps ) - YOU'RE GONNA DIE, MACKENZIE B.
GOLAN, IF YOU WANT THE GAZEBO,
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO FILL OUT THE PROPER PAPERWORK.
UH, YEAH, YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW THAT, MRS. BUDNICK?
I TRIED TO DOWNLOAD THE PDF, BUT IT KEEPS FORMATTING ALL WEIRD
AND OPENING AS A SPREADSHEET FOR SOME REASON.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR HUMAN TECHNOLOGY!
- ( shouts, screaming ) - ( grunting )
RETALIATION IS FUTILE!
( coughs )
( theme music playing )
- ( car honks ) - ( tires screech )
COME ON, ALEXIS! I DON'T WANNA BE LATE!
MOM, DAD, KEITH'S HERE.
- WE'RE GOING TO THE WATER PARK. BYE! - ( tires screech )
"BAD BOY"? ( blows raspberry )
I'D LIKE TO SEE HOW MUCH GENOCIDE THIS KEITH HAS COMMITTED.
I'VE COMMITTED SO MUCH GENOCIDE, IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY ANYMORE.
SO, UM, DYLAN,
DO YOU THINK YOUR SISTER LIKES ME?
LIKE, IF I FORCED MYSELF ON HER, WOULD SHE BE COOL WITH THAT OR WHATEVER?
THE REAL QUESTION IS, DOES BARBIE LIKE HER HEAD?
( high-pitched ) NO, PLEASE DON'T. AHH!
SHUT UP, BARBIE! I'M DOING IT!
STATE YOUR BUSINESS, PEASANTS!
DYLAN, JUST LET ME IN. I GOTTA TALK TO GOLAN.
THEN KNEEL BEFORE GOLAN, FATHER!
- ( whispers ) GET DOWN. - SORRY, DYLAN,
BUT YOUR FATHER IS NEVER KNEELING DOWN BEFORE ANYONE
- IN HIS OWN HOUSE. - COME ON, DAD!
BOW TO GOLAN! COME ON! YOU'RE WRECKING IT.
CAROLE, IT'S FINE.
IT'S EASIER, JUST LET ME DO THIS.
- ( laughs ) - OH, PLEASE.
HAVE SOME DIGNITY, RICHARD.
YOU MAY NOW PARLAY
WITH GOLAN THE INSATIABLE!
WATCH YOUR STEP. THE CARPET'S BUNCHED UP RIGHT THERE.
- THANKS, MAN. - RICHARD.
HELLO, CAROLE.
GOLAN. ( laughs )
GOLAN, WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THIS TRAFFIC TICKET I GOT IN THE MAIL?
DID YOU USE MY CAR LAST WEEK WITHOUT ASKING FIRST?
I DID A LOT OF THINGS LAST WEEK
WITHOUT ASKING FIRST.
YEAH, THIS LADY KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
- AM I RIGHT, CAROLE? - ( both laugh )
THEY SHOULD CALL YOU GOLAN THE INCORRIGIBLE.
OH, THAT'S A GREAT JOKE, GOLAN.
YOU WANNA HEAR ANOTHER JOKE? MY LICENSE WAS SUSPENDED.
( laughs ) THAT IS FUNNY.
AND NOW CAROL'S GONNA DRIVE ME TO THE COURTHOUSE
TO GET THIS TAKEN CARE OF. SO, GOLAN,
YOU'RE GONNA WATCH DYLAN WHILE WE'RE GONE.
NO! I DON'T CARE ABOUT HER WELL-BEING!
YEAH, GOLAN DOESN'T CARE IF I LIVE OR DIE!
- HE'S THE BEST. - WELL, HE'S GOT NO CHOICE,
BECAUSE ALEXIS IS OUT WITH THAT "BAD BOY" KEITH.
OH MY GOD, HAVE YOU SEEN HIS LICENSE PLATE?
- YES, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. - OH GOD, I THOUGHT I WAS ALONE.
- YOU CAN'T CALL YOURSELF A "BAD BOY." - I KNOW, IT'S THE WORST.
- OH, RICHARD, COME ON. - OH, YOU WANNA DO IT?
- ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO. - YEAH.
( laughs ) ALL RIGHT, GOLAN, YOU'RE IN CHARGE.
WE'LL BE BACK BY DINNER.
YAY YAY YAY! OOH! LET'S GO ON THE ROOF
AND THROW A BRICK AT THE MAILMAN.
NO, SHUT UP. IF I'M GONNA BE SADDLED WITH THIS BURDEN,
THEN WE ARE GOING TO DO WHAT I WANT TO DO.
( beeps )
I DON'T UNDERSTAND! WHERE ARE MY "TOP CHEFS"?
YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T EVEN RECORD IT.
YES, I DID! I HAVE A SEASON PASS!
- GIVE ME THAT! - DON'T GRAB!
- ( beeps ) - SEE? LOOK.
YOU'VE GOT A SEASON PASS FOR "TOP CHEF: SEATTLE."
BUT IT'S IN A DIFFERENT CITY THIS YEAR,
SO IT'S A DIFFERENT NAME.
BUT IT'S THE SAME SHOW!
IT'S LIKE THEY DON'T EVEN WANT YOU TO WATCH THE NEW SEASON!
OH, FINE, LET'S JUST WATCH LIVE TELEVISION
LIKE POOR PEOPLE.
Ragin' Fun Bayou Water Park is a non-stop adventure
for the whole family. I guarantee.
RAGIN' FUN BAYOU?
YES! THAT IS WHERE YOUR OVULATING SISTER ALEXIS IS!
- WE SHALL JOURNEY THERE! - TO THE WATER PARK? YUCK!
THAT PLACE IS FULL OF *** BAGS AND LOOSE BAND-AIDS!
WELL, THEN YOU CAN HAVE FUN STAYING HERE
AND WATCHING "TOP CHEF: TEXAS" FROM THREE YEARS AGO.
HOPEFULLY A PACK OF WOLVES WON'T SHOW UP.
- BYE! - ( slams )
FINE! BUT I'M BRINGING THE BRICK.
UM, YOU DID NOT ANNOUNCE ME.
OH SHOOT! DO YOU WANT ME TO STILL DO IT?
OH! IT'S TOO LATE. NOW IT'LL SEEM STUPID.
WHOA. THIS BAYOU IS RAGING FUN.
OOH, THERE'S YOUR SISTER. ACT COOL.
( mumbles ) JUST MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS.
- ( grunts ) - OH MY GOD, ALEXIS! RIGHT?
OH GOD! DYLAN, GOLAN, WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING HERE?!
WHAT A CRAZY COINCIDENCE THAT WE SHOULD ALL BE HERE CONCURRENTLY AT THE SAME TIME.
AWESOME, ALEXIS!
YOU INVITED THE GIANT MONSTER THAT LIVES IN YOUR HOUSE?
IF BY "LIVES IN OUR HOUSE" YOU MEAN "IT IS UGLY," THEN YEAH.
- ( all laugh ) - I TOTALLY WALKED INTO THAT ONE.
OH! IS IT TRUE YOU WERE, LIKE,
KING OF THE DIMENSION YOU CAME FROM?
HE WAS MORE THAN A KING!
HE WAS A GODLORD, COMMANDER OF ALL THAT WAS SEEN AND UNSEEN!
- THAT IS SO HOT. - YOU SHOULD TOTALLY HANG WITH US, GOLAN!
- YOU TOO, LITTLE BOY. - ( all laughing )
YES, THE SEX OF HUMAN CHILDREN IS EASILY MISTAKABLE.
- GOOD ONE, KEITH. - ( whispering ) WHAT THE HELL, GOLAN?
I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO KILL KEITH.
THAT WAS BEFORE HE WANTED TO HANG.
BUT HE IS A CRAP FACE.
ACTUALLY, KEITH AND I HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.
WE'RE BOTH BAD BOYS. YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.
( screams, splashes )
WHOA! THE BEAST!
MONSTER BRO, ARE YOU TOUGH ENOUGH TO BATTLE THE BEAST?
I SHALL VANQUISH IT!
GOLAN, WAIT! I'M NOT TALL ENOUGH TO GO ON THE STUPID SLIDE.
WELL, IT SUCKS FOR YOU.
YOU CAN WAIT AT THE BOTTOM WITH ALL THE OTHER LITTLE MIDGETS.
KEITH, WAIT UP! I WANNA STAND
- NEXT TO YOU IN LINE! - ( growls )
- KEITH, I'M COMING! - ( screams )
GO, KEITH! ( laughs )
( bird screeches )
PLEASE CROSS YOUR ARMS AND LEGS.
GOLAN THE INSATIABLE DOES NOT ADHERE TO RULES.
ALL RIGHT, BUT YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S GONNA GET
1,000 GALLONS OF WATER UP YOUR BUTT.
I WELCOME IT! WHEE!
- CHEESE! - ( camera clicking )
WHOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!
WATER PARK PATRONS!
BEAR WITNESS TO THE ECSTASY OF MY VICTORY!
( farts )
OH, DYLAN! DID YOU SEE ALL THE WATER THAT CAME OUT OF MY *** CAVITY?
DYLAN! DYLAN?
I CANNOT LOCATE DYLAN. HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN HER?
OH, I KNOW, I KNOW! MAYBE SOMEBODY KIDNAPPED HER.
( all laugh )
NO, BUT SERIOUSLY, HAVE YOU SEEN HER?
NO, NOBODY'S SEEN HER. NOBODY CARES.
COME ON, GOLAN, LET'S GO RIDE THAT SLIDE AGAIN!
- COME ON! - UM, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'LL JUST MEET YOU GUYS UP AT THE TOP.
I NEED TO GO BUY A WORLD-FAMOUS DRINK-TAR.
- DYLAN! DYLAN. - ( people screaming )
( echoes ) DYLAN! DYLAN!
- DYLAN BEEKLER! - ( screams )
( burbling ) DYLAN!
DYLAN!
- ( register dings ) - DYLAN!
( sips )
Man over P.A.: Dylan Beekler? Your, uh--
your master is looking for you.
Please report to the main-- oh God!
Golan: Give me that! Ready your ears--
wait, do I have to hold this button down?
I've been on the whole time? Okay. ( clears throat )
READY YOUR FAT EARS, PATRONS OF RAGIN' FUN BAYOU.
THIS ADDRESSMENT IS FOR THE ABDUCTORS
OF MY YOUNG ACOLYTE, DYLAN BEEKLER.
You will die by my hands.
I PLEDGE THAT NOT ONLY SHALL I BRUTALLY DISMEMBER YOU,
I SHALL SEXUALIZE YOUR REMAINS IN FRONT OF YOUR LOVED ONES.
IN THIS YOU HAVE THE WORD OF GOLAN THE INSATIABLE! ( echoing )
- GOLAN! GOLAN! - ( gasps ) KEITH?
- ( roars ) - GOLAN, LOOK WHO I-- ( screams )
I SHOULD'VE KNOWN IT WAS YOU! ( shouts )
- ( Dylan screams, thuds ) - YES!
- ( snaps ) - GET HIM!
- ( pounding ) - ( Keith grunts )
YOU'RE NOT A BAD BOY! YOU'RE A *** BAG!
AND NOW FOR MY FAVORITE PART--
SEXUALIZING THE REMAINS.
STOP STOP! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
KEITH DIDN'T KIDNAP DYLAN! HE FOUND HER!
THE LITTLE LESBIAN WAS HIDING IN THE FOOD COURT
STEALING PEOPLE'S FRENCH FRIES!
- WAIT, SO YOU WEREN'T ABDUCTED THEN? - ( groaning )
NO. YOU WERE BEING A LITTLE ***, SO I TOOK OFF.
( chuckles ) SORRY, KEITH, MY BAD.
- ( siren chirps ) - ( crying hysterically )
- ( heart monitor beeping ) - NO! IT'S NOT YOUR TIME, KEITH!
I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABY!
HEY, SO I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF PUTTING HIS ***
IN MY DRINK-TAR AND FILLING IT UP WITH ICE,
- SO HERE YOU GO. - WHAT? HE'S NOT MISSING HIS ***.
HUH. THEN WHOSE *** IS THIS?
- I DON'T KNOW. - ( frustrated shout )
YOU'RE RIGHT, DYLAN. THIS PLACE IS GROSS.
SO I GUESS YOU DO CARE IF I LIVE OR DIE.
- I DON'T. - THEN WHY'D YOU PARALYZE KEITH WITH A BRICK?
'CAUSE I-- OH, SHUT UP.
HEY, HERE YOU GO, BIG GUY, A FREE DRINK-TAR.
- DON'T WORRY, THERE'S NO *** IN IT. - ( slurps )
Dylan; AND THEN HE PUNCHED KEITH,
THEN HE PUNCHED HIM AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!
- IT WAS AWESOME! - DYLAN, IT IS SO GOOD TO SEE YOU SMILE.
THANKS, GOLAN, I OWE YOU ONE.
OH, CAROLE, SHE'S JOKING.
- ( whispers ) WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - I GUESS KEITH WASN'T
- SUCH A "BAD BOY" AFTER ALL. - ( laughter )
YEAH, I DON'T THINK YOU CAN FIT
"I MAY OR MAY NOT EVER WAKE UP FROM THIS COMA" ON A VANITY PLATE.
Richard: OH, GOLAN!
BUT IN ALL SERIOUSNESS,
WE'RE REALLY PULLING FOR THE GUY, ALEXIS.
OH, SHUT UP, GOLAN! YOU'RE ALL CRAZY!
- ( kids laugh ) - Man: OH GOD!