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- YESTERDAY WAS THE PREMIERE OF MY NEW CRIME DRAMA,
"THE MATTRESS FIRM."
CRITICS ARE CALLING IT BOLD, BRAVE, CONFUSING.
ANYWAY, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, IT IS TIME
FOR OUR SECOND EPISODE OF "THE MATTRESS FIRM."
[smooth jazz music]
LISTEN UP, SEE.
TELL MY *** TO GO AHEAD
AND PUT ANOTHER 200 BUCKS DOWN
ON THE DAMN YANKEES.
NOT THE TEAM, THE BROADWAY SHOW.
I GOT TO SCRAM, SEE?
SORRY, I WAS JUST PLANNING AN ICE CREAM SOCIAL
DOWN AT THE CHURCH.
- THERE'S NO TIME TO WASTE.
MY HUSBAND WANTS TO BUMP ME OFF.
- WHOA, THAT'S BETWEEN YOU GUYS.
thwack!
- NO, YOU ARE NOT GETTING IT.
HE WANTS TO 86 ME.
- I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THAT, BUT IT SOUNDS GROSS.
[laughter]
- [sobbing melodramatically]
- PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.
thwack!
WHAT'S WRONG?
- HE'S TRYING TO *** ME.
[dramatic organ music flourish]
- HOT DIGGITY DOG, NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE.
YOU CAME TO THE RIGHT GAL.
- MY HUSBAND IS AFTER MY INHERITANCE.
MY DADDY WAS MR. MUCHO DINERO,
AND I NEED SOMEWHERE TO STASH THIS.
- WOW, THAT'S A LOT OF CABBAGE.
LOOK AT ALL THIS CABBAGE.
[dramatic organ music flourish]
AND THERE'S MOOLAH IN HERE TOO.
- SO CAN I TRUST YOU?
- SURE, DOLLFACE.
HEY, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE ABOUT TO FAINT.
WHY DON'T YOU LAY DOWN RIGHT HERE
ON THIS MATTRESS I GOT FROM MATTRESS FIRM?
- OH, OKAY. ding!
ding!
[laughter]
YOU CAN FIND A WIDE RANGE OF MATTRESSES THERE
FROM FIRM TO PILLOW TOP THAT'LL CHANGE YOUR LIFE,
AND ALL WITHIN YOUR BUDGET.
- THIS IS REALLY NICE.
AND THERE ARE NO LUMPS.
NO LUMPS.
NO LOVELY LITTLE LUMPS.
[laughter]
- WELL, I'M GLAD YOU LIKE IT,
BECAUSE YOU'RE GONNA BE SPENDING A LOT OF TIME ON IT.
[grunts]
- [wailing]
YOU!
[laughter]
YOU DOUBLE-CROSSED ME!
- YEAH, YOU QUIET-- QUIET DOWN, YOU.
I'VE GOT SOMETHING ELSE TO SAY ABOUT MATTRESS FIRM.
PEOPLE THINK MATTRESSES ARE EXPENSIVE, BUT THEY'RE NOT.
SPENDING EIGHT DAYS OF PAY
CAN DELIVER EIGHT YEARS OF HAPPINESS,
AND, WELL, THAT'S REALLY ALL I HAVE TO SAY
ABOUT MATTRESS FIRM.
- HEY. [laughs]
THE DAMN YANKEES IS A LOSER.
PAY UP, OR YOU'RE GONNA SWIM WITH THE FISHES.
- DAMN YANKEES. - [gasps]
[dramatic musical flourish]
[cheers and applause]
[sweeping orchestral music]
- TUNE IN TOMORROW FOR ANOTHER EPISODE
OF "THE MATTRESS FIRM."
WE'LL BE BACK.