Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
>> Narrator: FOURTH ON THE
DOCKET, SEAN PAUL'S WE BE
BURNIN'.
THE VIDEO IS CHARGED WITH ONE
COUNT OF TOO MANY HUMMERS IN THE
DESERT.
THE JURY WILL NOTE THAT WHILE
SHOOTING THIS VIDEO SEAN PAUL
NOT ONLY DROVE A HUMMER BUT ALSO
RECEIVED A HUMMER.
♪ JUST GIMME THE GEES
AND WE BE CLUBBIN' Y'ALL ♪
♪ CLUBBIN', Y'ALL ♪
♪ GAL A MAKE A PLEASE
AND WE BE TUGGIN' NOW ♪
♪ TUGGIN' NOW ♪♪
>> ALRIGHT!
HA, SEAN PAUL, WE BE BURNIN'.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S DONE
HERE.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE VIDEO.
>> FAME CALLED.
LEROY WANTS HIS HAIR BACK.
♪ S.P. FLOATIN', DON'T PROVOKE
HIM ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THE GIRLS WE BE POKIN'
GOT TO SMOKIN' ♪
♪ BEST THING FI THE RECREATION ♪
♪ FI GET THE BEST GIRLS IN EVERY
NATION ♪
>> STARTS OFF WITH THESE THREE
CHICKS AND THEY'RE DANCING IN
THE DESERT.
♪ (Lyrics unclear) ♪
>> THEY'RE NOT GOOD DANCERS,
THEY'RE NOT CHOREOGRAPHED WELL.
♪♪ WE BE BURNIN' NOT CONCERNIN'♪
>> AND THEN THE THREE GIRLS DO
THIS DIP, RIGHT.
AND THEIR COOCHIE JUST BE
HITTING THE SAND.
(Smack)
MMM!
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S SAYING
BUT THE GIRLS ARE NICE.
>> THEY LOOK LIKE THE SKANKY
RHYTHM NATION WITH THEIR LITTLE
HATS AND SUNGLASSES.
>> I CAN'T MAKE FUN OF THE VIDEO
GIRLS 'CAUSE THEY'RE ALL HOT.
>> JUST WAITING FOR SOME ARAB
GUY TO COME OVER THE HILL, "WHAT
ARE YOU DOING IN MY DESERT?
WHO'S GOING TO CLEAN THIS UP?
GET YOUR *** OUT!"
♪ EVERY DAY WE BE BURNIN'
NOT CONCERNIN' ♪
♪ WHAT NOBODY WANNA SAY ♪
>> AND THEN THE FAIR COMES TO
TOWN.
>> THOSE TRUCKS ARE AWESOME,
MAN.
>> OH, MAYBE IT'S THE ICE CREAM
MAN.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.
>> ALL THE TRUCKS IN THIS VIDEO
ARE FROM LAST YEAR'S GAY PRIDE
IN TORONTO.
GAY PRIDE IN THE DESERT.
>> THERE'S NOTHING TO SAY ABOUT
THOSE TRUCKS.
♪ WE GOT A TRUCKIN' CONVOY
ROCKIN' THE USA, OOH ♪
>> SO HILLBILLY.
>> IT'S PARTY TIME.
THE LIGHT TRUCKS ARE COMING.
♪ GOLD AND DIAMONDS,
GIRLS WE NEED 'EM EVERY DAY ♪
>> THE WHOLE THING'S ABOUT
DANCING WOMEN AND THEY CUT TO A
GUY IN AN ORANGE SHIRT DANCING.
>> JUST DANCING!
>> HE'S THE BLACK VERSION OF
ASHLEE SIMPSON.
>> IF YOU COME TO THE DESERT AND
DANCE IN FRONT OF THE FAIR WE'LL
GIVE YOU A COOKIE.
>> I THINK THEY DEPRIVED HIM OF
WATER.
>> JUST A COOKIE.
BUT YOU GOT TO DANCE FOR SOME
WATER.
♪ WE BE BURNIN' NOT CONCERNIN'
WHAT NOBODY WANNA SAY ♪
>> WHOO!
SEAN PAUL'S SOLD SOME RECORDS!
HERE COMES THE FIRE IN THE BACK!
>> THERE'S THIS TRUCK AND IT'S
GOT ALL THESE FLAMES SHOOTING
OUT OF THE TOP OF IT.
>> THIS TRUCK STARTS FIRES.
>> YOU GOT FIRE.
(Blows)
♪ JUST GIMME THE GEES ♪
>> LOOK AT THE VIDEO HO...
>> SHE'S WEARING SHORTS...
>> ...DOING SOME CRACK HEAD
DANCE...
>> ...A BELLY TOP...
>> ...IN FRONT OF THE FLAMES...
>> ...WITH A JAMIROQUAI HAT...
>> ...IN THE SAND.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.
I THINK WE'RE GETTING CLOSE TO
THE STAD-DANK!
OH BOY!
♪ EVERYDAY, WE BE BURNIN' NOT
CONCERNIN' ♪
♪ WHAT NOBODY WANNA SAY ♪
>> I ALWAYS LIKE THE FACT THAT
THE DANCERS, THEY ALWAYS-- THEY
SEE THE CAMERA AND THEY JUST
PUSH THEIR DUMPER RIGHT OUT
TOWARDS THE CAMERA.
>> HOPE YOU GUYS DOING THAT TO
SHOW THE ***.
>> HERE COMES, HERE, UH, THERE
IT IS.
JIGGY, JIG.
THE CHEESE SHAKE RIGHT THERE.
>> THEY ARE JUST SHAKING SOME
CELLULITE, JUST SKIN FLABBING
ALL OVER THE PLACE.
>> IT'S AWFUL.
YOU GOT TO WRAP THAT IN
SOMETHING-- CHEESECLOTH,
SOMETHING, I DON'T KNOW.
>> THEY MIGHT BE STAD-OINK!
(Whooshing)
(Sighs) OH, GOSH.
>> IT HAD UPS AND DOWNS-- MOSTLY
DOWNS.
>> CAN I GIVE MY VERDICT?
>> I GIVE IT TWO THUMBS UP THE
***... WHICH IS A GOOD THING.
>> CAN I?
>> THE WHOLE VIDEO IS (Bleep).
CAN I SAY (Bleep)?
>> AND THEY'RE GUILTY OF TRYING
TO MAKE ME BELIEVE THAT IT IS
A PARTY.
>> THE WHOLE VIDEO'S (Bleep).
>> IT STANK.
(Yelling) NEXT VIDEO!
>> Narrator: COMING UP NEXT ON
VIDEO ON TRIAL:
>> JUST TAKES OFF HIS DRAWERS.
MMM!
>> SAY, HEY, (Bleep) OFF, DEER
BOY!
>> I DON'T EVEN WANT TO TALK
ABOUT IT AT ALL ANYMORE.
THAT'S HOW TERRIBLE IT IS.
(Theme plays:
Driving rock music)
>> Female Narrator: WELCOME BACK
TO VIDEO ON TRIAL.
LAST ON THE DOCKET: FALL OUT
BOY'S SUGAR, WE ARE GOING DOWN.
THE VIDEO IS CHARGED WITH
PROMOTING VIOLENCE AGAINST HUMAN
DEER.
THE JURY SHOULD NOTE THAT NO
DEER WERE HURT WHILE MAKING THE
VIDEO BUT SEVEN HUMANS WERE
SAVAGELY MURDERED.
(Driving rock music)
♪
>> ALRIGHT!
(Clap)
FALL OUT BOY, SUGAR, WE'RE GOING
DOWN.
>> ALREADY AN AWESOME TITLE.
I'M SURE THE VIDEO'S GOING TO
LIVE UP TO IT.
>> LET'S SEE WHAT THIS IS
SAYING.
♪
>> THERE'S A DUDE WITH ANTLERS
ON HIS HEAD.
>> AND THEN HERE COMES BAMBI.
>> ANTLER BOY.
>> HERE COMES THE WHITE GUY WITH
BAMBI'S HORNS.
♪
JUST TAKES OFF HIS DRAWERS.
MMM!
THROWS IT ON HIS HEAD.
>> THE UNDERWEAR FROM LAST NIGHT
LEFT BY SOME *** TEENAGED
COUPLE ON THE GROUND.
>> THE *** LOOKED LIKE SOMEBODY
SMOKED A CARTON OF CIGARETTES
WITH IT.
>> (Bleep), MAN, YOU GOING TO
THROW UNDERWEAR ON MY HEAD?
>> AND I'VE NEVER SEEN A 9-YEAR-
OLD GIVE ANYBODY THE FINGER
BEFORE.
>> IT'S LIKE, "HEY, (Bleep) OFF,
DEER BOY!"
>> MMM! YEAH!
>> THAT'S ALWAYS FUNNY WHEN
LITTLE KIDS AND OLD PEOPLE GIVE
THE FINGER.
♪ AM I MORE THAN
YOU BARGAINED FOR YET? ♪
>> I'M TIRED OF THESE WHINY ROCK
BANDS.
>> THEY SOUND LIKE ABOUT 100
OTHER BANDS THAT ARE OUT RIGHT
NOW.
♪ NOBODY LOVES ME, MY GIRLFRIEND
DOESN'T LOVE ME ANYMORE ♪
***!
>> OH, THE GUITAR IS JUST--
(Grunting)
LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME!
>> IT'S LIKE THE OPENING BAND
FOR THE RED GREEN SHOW.
>> THIS, THIS MOVE?
WHAT IS THAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
>> I STILL DON'T GET WHY HE HAD
TO LICK HIS HAND TWICE.
♪ IN AN EARLIER ROUND ♪
♪ AND SUGAR WE'RE GOING DOWN
SWINGING ♪♪
>> IT'S A NEW PICK UP.
I'M GOING TO START USING THAT.
>> 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, 17-YEAR-OLD
CHICKS PLAY WITH KITES ALL THE
TIME.
>> I'M GOING TO START HITTING
PEOPLE WITH KITES, SEE IF IT
WORKS FOR ME.
>> WHAT'S WRONG WITH HOME GIRL
LIKE SHE CAN'T GET NO MAN?
>> LOOK AT THOSE TEETH, MAN.
>> THEY GOT LAVA LIFE OR
SOMETHING?
>> HIS MOUTH IS A CAN OPENER.
>> THE MAN'S GOT, LIKE, THREE
TEETH IN HIS HEAD.
>> AND IT'S JUST LIKE A RUINED
GRILL.
(Grunting)
♪ WERE GOING DOWN,
DOWN IN AN EARLIER ROUND ♪
♪ AND SUGAR,
WE'RE GOING DOWN SWINGING ♪
>> YOU CAN SEE WHERE THIS IS
LEADING, THIS CONFLICT.
MAN.
WAH.
>> 'CAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT HIS
DAUGHTER IN AN INTERSPECIES
RELATIONSHIP.
>> HE'S LIKE, "HEY, (Bleep) OFF,
DEER BOY.
I'M AN ANGRY OLD MAN AND I'M A
HUNTER!"
♪ A LOADED GOD COMPLEX,
*** IT AND PULL IT ♪
♪
>> AH, HE'S HAD ENOUGH.
IT'S GO TIME NOW.
>> THE HE GETS OUT THE GARDEN
CLIPPERS LIKE, "I'M EDWARD
SCISSORHANDS!"
>> I JUST WANT TO BE LIKE
EVERYBODY ELSE.
I WANT TO HAVE NUBS INSTEAD OF
HORNS.
>> I'M ABOUT TO GET A MAKEOVER.
JENNY JONES, JENNY JONES.
>> NO!
DON'T CUT YOUR ANTLERS OFF!
I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!
UGH!
>> (Laughs)
THIS VIDEO'S DUMB.
♪ WERE GOING DOWN,
DOWN IN AN EARLIER ROUND ♪
♪ AND SUGAR,
WE'RE GOING DOWN SWINGING ♪♪
>> THE ONLY CUTE PART IN THIS
WHOLE VIDEO IS WHEN HE GETS HIS
ANTLERS STUCK IN HER SKIRT.
>> OH, BUT YOU CAN USE YOUR
HORNS FOR GOOD.
YOU KNOW.
>> IS IT A COINCIDENCE THAT WHEN
THEY'RE SAYING "I'M GOING DOWN,
DOWN," HOME GIRL'S SKIRT FLIES
UP?
>> LIKE, WHAT'D YOU EXPECT ME TO
DO?
IT'S JUST MY ANTLERS.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO.
>> PRETTY FUNNY IF HE LIFTED UP
HER SKIRT AND THERE WAS A
RABBIT'S FOOT.
♪ AND SUGAR,
WE'RE GOING DOWN SWINGING ♪
♪ I'LL BE YOUR NUMBER ONE
WITH A BULLET ♪
>> YOU KNOW, THE IRONY IS THAT
"NUMBER ONE WITH THE BULLET!"
BUT THEN HE'S TRYING TO KILL HIM
WITH A CROSSBOW.
>> IF SOMEONE SHOT ME WITH A BOW
AND ARROW, I'D BE LIKE, "AH,
DAM, HEY, YOU GOT ME, MAN.
YOU GOT ME.
ALRIGHT, I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK
AT PAINTBALL."
>> HE'S GOT IT PULLED BACK AND
HE-- THERE'S SOME TRICKY
PHOTOGRAPHY THERE.
>> BOW AND ARROWS ON THE FLOOR.
HE'S STANDING THERE LOOKING AT
IT LIKE, "HMM!
(Yelling) I AM BAMBI!"
>> AND IT TURNS OUT TO BE
TOUCHING.
YOU KNOW, YOU GET-- GO PLAY
BADMINTON WITH YOUR DEER BOY,
AND YOUR FATHER DEER WHITTLES.
AND THERE'S A HAPPY ENDING
THERE.
(Whooshing)
>> MY VERDICT FOR THIS VIDEO...
>> I'M NOT EVEN GIVING IT A
VERDICT.
>> ...IT'S ON THE COB, IT'S
CORNY.
>> I GOT TO GIVE IT TWO ANTLERS
WAY DOWN, MAN.
IT WAS KIND OF (Bleep).
>> STAD-INK, STAD-OINK!
>> THEY'RE ACTUALLY GUILTY OF
TRYING TO KILL ME OR MAKE ME
FEEL SAD AND DEPRESSED.
(Clicking)
>> (Laughs) IT'S DUMB.
>> I DON'T EVEN WANT TO TALK
ABOUT IT AT ALL ANYMORE.
THAT'S HOW TERRIBLE IT IS.
>> IT'S A WRAP!
NO MORE VIDEOS!
>> Narrator: THE EVIDENCE HAS
BEEN PRESENTED AND THE JURY HAS
RENDERED ITS VERDICT.
BLOODHOUND GANG IS SENTENCED TO
TOP-TRACK STATUS ON JOCK JAMS
17.
MARIAH CAREY IS SENTENCED TO
APPEAR ON THE COVER OF PEOPLE
MAGAZINE'S SEXIEST SINGERS OVER
70 ISSUE.
HILARY DUFF IS SENTENCED TO A
THREE-MONTH RELATIONSHIP WITH
ENGLAND'S ULTIMATE REBEL, PRINCE
HARRY.
SEAN PAUL IS SENTENCED TO SELL
HIS HUMMER AND STOP "WE BE
BURNING" THE OZONE LAYER.
>> FALL OUT BOY IS SENTENCED TO
USE THE MORE FITTING SIMPSON'S
INSPIRED GROUP NAME OF "WORST
BAND EVER."
UNTIL NEXT WEEK, VIDEO ON TRIAL
IS OFFICIALLY ADJOURNED.
(Closed captions created by MuchMusic)
(Theme plays:
Driving rock music)
>> Female Narrator: Welcome to
Totally Beachin' Video on Trial,
the show that will never rest
until all crappy beach videos
are brought to justice. Sitting
on this week's jury:
♪
♪
The accused are: Heidi Montag,
Higher.
♪ I'm only going higher,
higher ♪
>> Is this a late night sex
line?
>> Narrator: Sisqo, Thong Song.
♪ That thong tha-thong,
thong, thong ♪
>> Sisqo's performing!
Everybody, into the water!
>> Narrator: Blink 182, All The
Small Things.
♪ All the small things ♪
>> Of course the black girl's
crying. She's the only one that
actually has taste in music.
>> Narrator: Christina Aguilera,
Genie In A Bottle.
♪ I'm a genie in a bottle ♪
>> You may not recognize our
next artist because it's before
she used to apply makeup with a
paint roller.
>> Narrator: Jim Jamison, I'm
Always Here.
♪ I'm always here ♪
>> He is always there, on the
beach, playing his guitar for
pocket change.
>> Narrator: First on the
docket, Heidi Montag's Higher.
♪ I'm gonna take it
higher, higher ♪
>> Narrator: This video is
charged with being hands-down
the lamest sex tape ever.
(Sigh)
Jurors should note Heidi's ***
are about as real as her stupid
show The Hills is on that other
network.
(Techno pop music)
>> Hi, welcome to the beach
special.
>> Here we are on a sunny beach.
>> How exciting.
>> You might notice I've got a
price tag on my Hawaiian shirt.
That's so that MuchMusic can
return it and get this whopping
$9.99 plus tax back.
>> I'm sorry, I can't do this,
Trevor. This is a green screen,
okay? There's people over
there, working. Look at that
guy.
>> I refuse to admit that this
is a green screen.
>> This is bullcrap.
>> Somebody get me off of
dinosaur island.
♪♪
♪ Here I go
now ♪
♪ I'm keeping my eyes open ♪
>> Is every song Higher ***?
♪ Can you take me higher? ♪
♪ Nothing can stop me now ♪
>> Doesn't anyone watch The
Hills?
>> You sure it wasn't The Hills
Have Eyes?
>> Come on, it's like a girl who
worked at Hollister and won a
contest to make a (Bleep) video.
>> This video was shot by
Spencer Pratt, who was Heidi's
fiancée right up until he saw
this video.
>> Every time I see this music
video I just think to myself,
you know what? This song would
sound so much better underwater.
(Vocalizing)
♪ I'm only going higher ♪
>> I'd love to be the propmaster
for this video. Alright, let's
see, I've got the towel...ready!
>> Speed it up, Montag. We only
have the towel rented until
3:00, and then we have to pay an
extra two bucks.
>> Look at Heidi; she's trying
to catch lunch.
>> That's the first time I've
ever seen seagulls fly away from
garbage.
>> Nobody likes Heidi, not even
beach rats, which is what I call
seagulls.
>> Boomer: I wish that seagull
would take a dump on her.
>> Come on, Jaws, where are you?
Doesn't anybody have a bucket of
chum that they can throw on
Heidi?
♪ Here we go, let it go ♪
♪ Spread your wings and fly ♪
>> I didn't know that those late
night infomercials for those sex
lines had music videos out.
>> My name is Heidi, I like
running on the beach and
splashing water on my knees.
>> She should have a waterfall
and playing with her ***.
>> Can you blame Spencer though?
Like you wouldn't spend the day
filming this.
>> Heidi Montag is so hot and
sexy and stupid all at the same
time that I'd actually (Bleep)
her boyfriend to get to her.
Oh, we're shooting?
♪ I'm only going
higher, higher ♪
>> Don't karaoke videos usually
have the lyrics printed on the
bottom of the screen? Let's add
those in.
>> And I love that she's doing
the if I keep moving, they won't
notice I can't dance thing.
♪ Never looking back ♪♪
♪ I dream and that's a fact ♪
♪ I'm only going... ♪
>> One word chorus coming up in
three, two, one.
♪ Higher, higher ♪
>> Okay, she's singing higher,
but she's staying at the same
pitch.
>> (Singing) Higher, higher.
>> (Singing) Higher, higher.
You're actually getting deeper!
>> (Singing) Higher, higher.
Gah-gah!
(Sighs)
>> Oh, poor Heidi. Did you have
a tough day memorizing the lines
for your reality show?
>> Why are you tired? You did
absolutely nothing!
>> No, to be honest with you, I
(Bleep) her.
>> You (Bleep) her?
>> Jason: Yeah.
>> Good job.
♪ Am I dreaming (Echoing) ♪
(Zapping)
>> That sound of the laboratory
electricity, that reminds me of
in the movies where they wake up
Frankenstein. Maybe because
she's a horrible monster.
(Thud)
(Whooshing)
>> I sentence Heidi and
Spencer's next sex tape to
include sex.
>> I still can't believe I was
briefly engaged to this woman.
>> If you have any reason to
kill yourself, this music video
is quite an incentive.
>> I don't even like The OC.
>> You know, I'm starting to get
the shakes.