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Last time on
3rd Rock From The Sun
Dear Mary
She saved all the love
letters I sent to her.
Wait a minute.
I never sent her
any love letters.
Apparently,
another man has been
sending love letters
to Mary,
a man named Scoochie.
The letters!
Scoochie?
Aah!
No! Scoochie,
reveal yourself!
I can't take it anymore!
No! Stop! Please
don't kill him!
Liam, what are you
doing here?
I'm Scoochie.
You're the one
who's been writing me
love letters
for the past 3 years?
I thought
you'd forgotten me.
Forgotten you? One of
my most cherished memories
is the two of us co-mingling
on your butcher block.
No. No, no.
I'm Scoochie.
Mary, this man's
an imposter.
Now, we know that
the real Scoochie
is a master of verse,
so why don't we
settle this with
a little off-the-cuff
verbal jousting?
[Crowd cheers
and applauds]
Now
to me, off-the-cuff
verbal jousting
is a dish best served
written in advance.
Are you declining
my challenge?
[Crowd boos
and hisses]
No. Not at all.
Let the verbal
jab-fest begin.
But you go first.
Oh. Very well.
[Man] Uhh!
Of the hours in a day,
the only time is you.
You are the beat
of my breath.
You are the wine
in my blood.
Youare Mary.
Oh!
[Crowd applauds
and whistles]
Whatever.
I will now
dispatch my foe
with an elegant haiku.
I know that!
I'm so sick of you!
You think you know
everything!
Will you stop it,
please?
Well, yes, that is
technically a haiku,
but it's rather
pedestrian one.
No, no. That was
an accidental haiku.
What?
I want another turn!
Oh, ***,
don't bother.
I knew you didn't
write those poems.
Good night.
Call me, Scoochie.
Okay.
Okay.
[theme]
You guys!
You guys!
You guys!
What's
our favorite movie?
[both] Arthur 2:
Arthur On The Rocks.
Well, feast
your eyes on this!
Arthur?
Arthur?
Yeah! There's
a prequel.
Well, who knew?
This is gonna answer
so many questions
about Arthur 2!
Yeah. Like the "2."
Once in your life
you find her ♪
Someone who turns
your heart around ♪
[***] Stop the music!
Next thing you know ♪
You're closing down-- ♪
Aah!
Hey!
I've got horrible news.
Brace yourselves.
Liam Neesam is back.
Liam who-some?
Oh, yeah. Remember
that alien who came here
to destroy earth,
but then he didn't
'cause he thought *** was
such a great human being?
Dr. Liam Neesam. Yeah.
I thought you were
talking about
the other Liam Neesam.
You know. The plumber?
Oh, yeah.
Is he back
to destroy the world?
He's back
to destroy my world.
Liam is Scoochie.
What?
Yes!
And Scoochie
is from Team X!
No way!
Probably wasn't
enough for him.
Now he wants to
steal my Mary.
Oh, come on, ***.
No alien would travel
all the way
across the universe
just to boff
Mary Albright.
Sally, that is so crass!
I prefer to think
that Liam is here
to make sweet,
gentle love to Mary.
That's nice.
That's even worse!
***, look,
I'm just saying
I'd be surprised
if this wasn't
a part of something
much bigger.
You know,
you may be right.
I don't know
what he's up to,
but whatever it is,
I won't have it!
It's time for *** Solomon
to fight back!
Right after one piece
of blueberry pie.
Who's with me?
And of course, "Liam"
spelled backwards is "mail,"
as in the letters with
which I correspond with you,
and of course the homonym
of "mail" is "male,"
which I find
fiercely appropriate.
Liam, your wordplay
is dazzling.
Thank you.
And of course,
an anagram of "Liam"
is "Mali,"
a sub-Saharan country
with an
unfortunate climate.
And another anagram
is "Lima,"
capital of Peru and home
of the Inca civilization.
And of course,
if you lose the "M,"
add a "B" and scuttle
the letters around,
you getBali.
[laughs lightly]
That's a nice word.
Exotic.
Well, think of it
less as a word
and more
as an invitation.
Oh, Liam, that's sweet,
but I'm still
"technically" going out
with ***.
Oh, dear. Look,
there's something
I must get off my chest.
I think of you as
absolutely exquisite,
and yet you persist
in going out with a man
whose name doesn't spell
anything other than ***.
But he's so sweet.
Oh, wake up,
my little pumpkin seed.
Has he ever taken you out
to a decent restaurant
like this?
Oh, we go to nice
restaurants sometimes.
Oh.
But he always
brings a fly
to put
into the soup
so he doesn't
have to pay.
Well, don't worry, Mary.
The only fly that
I have with me tonight
is the one
on my trousers,
and you won't find that
anywhere near your soup.
Liam, if you
brought me here
because you thought
you could score,
wellwe'll see.
Oh, this is awkward.
Rutherford is
such a small town.
This will power the
rumor mill for months.
Shh, shh!
Nevermind that.
I need to listen
to the conversation
with my girlfriend.
My affection for you
is only part of my reason
for being here, though.
The other reason is
to make you a job offer.
A job offer? Doing what?
Good question,
Mary.
I'm giving you
the opportunity
to do groundbreaking
anthropological research.
The only snag
is that at the start,
I can only pay you
a high 6-figure salary.
Oh, that's one,
maybe 2 figures more
than I'm used to.
Why me?
Because I can't
think of anyone
I'd rather work
side by side with
or on top of.
Uhh!
Oh, that rat!
He's using her mind
to get to her body!
That's sorat-like!
***.
Here's your sandwich.
***, what
are you doing here?
I'm, uhhaving
dinner with Judith.
It's a date, Mary.
Are you spying on me?
And what are you
doing here?
Getting a job offer
from Liam?
Yes! And I accept!
What?
Oh, fantastic!
Look, what do you say
I get this one for you?
[fly buzzes]
[fly buzzes]
Bon appetit.
That's so much nicer
than the fly I brought.
Come on, Sally,
it's starting.
We've watched
this movie,
what?
And like the wine
Arthur drinks,
it keeps getting
better with age.
You know, I wish
I had a limousine.
And a butler.
And a shameless
chemical dependency.
Oh, yeah.
Once in your life
you find her ♪
Someone who turns
your heart around ♪
The next thing
you know ♪
Hey!
Hey!
I was right.
Liam's sole purpose
on earth is to win Mary.
So stop it.
Situation solved.
Now hit play.
No. But how?
He's better than me
at everything.
Oh, man.
You're screwed.
Well, maybe he isn't.
Liam still thinks
that *** is a human,
and as a human,
*** is no competition.
But *** is not a human.
See, if Liam knows
that ***'s an alien,
they'll be on
the same wavelength.
He'll have to respect him,
and then he'll
back off Albright.
That's brilliant!
So, I'll
just tell him.
As long as you realize
that by telling him,
you may be forfeiting
your inheritance.
That's Arthur.
Yeah. See? It all
comes back to Arthur.
When you get caught ♪
Between the moon
and New York City ♪
[knocks]
Do you know
what time it is?
Time to come clean.
Time to bare my soul.
Time to tell you
that I, like you,
am an alien.
Impossible.
Open your mouth.
Good Lord.
So you are.
Good night.
Look! Now that you
know I'm an alien,
you'll stop
seeing Mary, right?
Why should I do that?
Well, because of
the alien's code
which states that aliens
cannot steal girlfriends
from other aliens.
You just made that up.
I did not.
Did.
Did.
Did not.
Not.
Did.
All right, then.
Who enforces this
code of yours?
Before I answer that,
may I ask you,
what is the single thing
that frightens you the most?
Oh, I suppose
a shark attack.
Oh, well, coincidentally,
the code is enforced
by a squadron of sharks.
Sharks?
Oh, I love sharks.
You just said
that you hated sharks.
Well, I must have
misunderstood
the question.
Stop worrying.
I didn't come all
the way to earth
for your
sloppy seconds,
and since
you're an alien,
I can spill a tad.
You see,
I'm using Mary
as a cover
for my master plan
to devolve all human
beings into monkeys.
Oh! Oh, what a relief!
I thought you were here
to sleep with my lady.
What was that
about monkeys?
Well,
I'm here to devolve
all human beings
into monkeys, you see,
and then turn the earth
into a giant theme park
called
Planet Monkey World.
Planet Monkey World?
Why, that's appalling!
How can you do this?
I weep for humans!
Has Mary agreed to this?
Yes, although she doesn't
know all the details,
like the end
of the world, etcetera.
I'm sorry, Liam,
but I'm telling Mary
about this right now.
In that case,
I shall be forced
to tell her that
you're an alien.
That's not fair!
You've had more time to
think this out than I have!
This is awfully good,
you know.
Well, thank you all
very much for being here.
As you represent our
targeted alien consumers,
any suggestions you have
in this focus group
will be
very much appreciated.
Back in a moment
with you.
Now, remember,
don't hold back.
It's vital
to the survival
of the human race
that you tell him
how much you hate
this plan.
Yeah. Got it. Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you
Planet Monkey World.
[overlapping chatter]
Ooh!
Wow!
Lame, lame!
No, hear me out. I mean,
Planet Monkey World
is based on
a simple premise--
monkeys are funny.
Picture Beethoven's 5th
at Carnegie Hall.
Boring!
Now, picture it
played
by 120 classically
trained monkeys.
Ha ha ha!
He claimed
that it was
stolen
by a monkey wrench
and sold to you
by a monkey.
Oh!
Ah
any questions?
Yes.
Will the monkeys
have monkey ***
or human ***?
Good question,
good question.
My gut tells me
human.
Nice.
Aw, damn.
Harry, you had
your hand up?
Oh! Uh, no.
Tommy covered it.
I see. Yes?
Just how do you plan
to turn the humans
into monkeys?
With this Ape-Maker 3000,
a species
transmorphic device.
Now, who would
like to come up
with some ideas for
the new territories
of Planet Monkey
World?
Oh!
Oh!
What we're trying
to do is,
we're throwing
monkey-related words
into existing names,
you see?
So Mississippi
becomes Bananasippi
or Missouri becomes
Bananassouri.
What about California?
Oh, I know!
Monkeycalifornia.
It's a bit on the nose,
isn't it, ***?
Bananafornia.
Very good!
Tommy's got it!
A lucky guess!
It's not a lucky guess.
You just put banana
in front of all the names.
Well, no.
Not necessarily.
Banana is
a common theme,
but we like to
mix it up a bit.
Anyone else?
Okay. How about
Opposablethumbsylvania?
Very good!
Dianefossechusetts.
Marvelous!
Crapthrowerzona.
Yes. We may have to
clean it up a bit,
but I like the idea.
North Monkeykota.
No.
South Monkeykota.
Brilliant!
Oh, drat!
New Monkeyexico.
No, no.
Curious Georgia.
Marvelous!
And on a final note,
my friends, my colleagues,
on the bicycle
that is my success,
you are
the training wheels
guiding me down
that bike path
toward my dream.
Could she be
any more pompous?
Yes. You should have
seen her first draft.
She compared herself
to Abraham Lincoln,
and he did not
come off well.
Maybe if we leave now,
she won't notice.
And if ever any of you
need a letter
of recommendation,
call me.
***, you missed
my farewell speech.
Listen, Mary,
I think it would be
a huge mistake for you to
take this job with Liam.
This is so typical!
I finally
get the opportunity
to make some money
in a job I love
and you
want me shackled
to this flea-bag college
and a dead-end
relationship.
Oh, really?
Do people in
a dead-end relationship
buy an ab-roller
together?
You're just jealous
of Liam.
Oh, Mary, I'm worried
about you.
I don't want you
to get hurt.
Liam isnot what
he appears to be.
Oh, right.
He's not suave
or brilliant
or incredibly
romantic.
Mary, if those things
were important to you,
you should have said
something!
I'm not a mind-reader,
you know!
That's it, ***.
I'm taking this job.
It's Mary Albright's turn
to climb to new heights!
Oh, Mary
with 4 hands
and a prehensile tail,
it'll be a fast trip.
This is horrible!
We've got to find
some way to stop Liam!
His plan will
obliterate humanity!
If only he wasn't
so cold-hearted.
If he only cared
about people and
earth like we do.
Wait.
Tommy, that's it!
Liam is in
a human body.
He must have
human emotions.
We can exploit that.
Yeah. If we get him to
feel sympathy for humans,
maybe he'll think twice
about turning them
into monkeys.
Focus group, please.
Focus group.
Now, what do you think?
Is 7 dollars
too much for this?
I'll take 2.
Liam,
Planet Monkey World
is a fantastic idea,
but it's missing
something essential.
Now, don't say
bluegrass music,
'cause that'll be covered
at the Country Monkey
Jamboree.
No. No, no, no.
You're missing
the real earth,
like the happiness
in a child's eyes
when a loving parent
tucks him in safe
at night.
Or the wonder
of two young lovers
as they stroll
down the beach,
dreaming of
what is yet to be.
Or the quiet contentment
of a couple
in their autumn years
as they sit and reflect
on a life well-spent
together.
Or hookers.
Cheap,
painted hookers.
I see.
You're trying to
make me
feel something
for humanity
so I'll bag the whole
Monkey World plan.
Well, let me
just check.
No. Nothing.
Oh!
Well, we tried.
I guess I'm gonna
go watch Arthur
before Arthur turns
into a monkey.
Well, I'm off.
Goodbye, Liam.
The greatest privilege
one has on earth
is the chance to feel
the bond of
the human experience.
I'm only sorry that you
never got to feel it.
Yecch!
Well, then.
[Arthur
theme song playing]
What's that song?
Oh, that's the theme
from Arthur.
Oh, it's catchy.
No, no. You won't
find me falling
for any of that
sentimental nonsense.
No, no.
Arthur, eh?
Yeah. He's a rich man
with a drinking problem.
Ah. Well, anyway,
when I set out to do
something, I do it.
Arthur, he does
as he pleases ♪
See, just like Arthur,
I do as I please.
Deep in his heart,
he's just ♪
He's just a boy ♪
I've always fancied that
at heart, I'm a child.
Tell me, he has
a drinking problem?
Showing himself
a really good time ♪
Well, with a healthy
attitude like that,
he must have
a reasonable chance
of beating this
alcohol thing.
I mean, is he in it
alone or what?
Oh, no. He's got
the love of Liza Minelli
to help him through.
You know
that happened to me
recently.
This is extraordinary.
This Arthur thing
is all about me,
and suddenly I feel
this odd mix
of joy and sorrow,
of hope and despair,
of triumph
and tragedy.
Liam, that's--
that's humanity.
Well, it's wonderful!
Does this mean
that you're scrapping
Planet Monkey World?
Oh, screw Planet--
what happened?
I feel so alive.
Guys! We did it!
We did it!
Whoo!
[laughter]
[Liam] Hello, ***?
Liam! Are you here
to say goodbye?
Want a hug?
No, no.
I just came by
to let you know that
plans have changed a bit.
They have? How?
Well, I'm leaning
towards going ahead
with this Planet Monkey
World thing again.
But what
about last night?
Oh, last night
was beautiful!
I felt things here
I've never felt before
in my life.
It was
absolutely wonderful.
But I slept on it and
it doesn't really
hold up, you know?
So, Planet Monkey
World is a go.
I thought I'd start
here at Pendleton.
Have you got
a campus map anywhere?
Oh!
Once in your life
you find her ♪
Someone who turns
your heart around ♪
And next thing
you know ♪
You're closing-- ♪
Oh, why run through all
that Arthur nonsense?
I think
he's a terrible ***.
Aha!
I've got you now!
That's not
the real devolver.
Do you think
I'd be stupid enough
to give you
the real devolver?
This is the real
devolver.
Oh, it's beautiful.
Can I see it?
Mm-hmm.
Aha!
I've got you now!
I said, do you think
I'd be stupid enough
to give you
the real devolver?
The real devolver's
in my pants pocket.
Uhsee?
Are you sure that's
the real devolver?
What?
Well, you said it was
in your pants pocket,
but then you got it
out of your jacket pocket.
So I did.
That's
rather embarrassing.
I seem to have lost track
of the real devolver.
Do either of yours
say "real devolver"
on the top there?
No. I don't think so.
Oh, that's funny.
Khiii!
Well, how on earth
did that happen?
Khiii!
Where's the other one?
I took the label off
and I put it
in the
Do you want me to hold
that one for you?
Yes. Um
Oh, I remember!
I took it
out of the fridge
and I put it in there,
'cause I had my wallet
in my pants pocket,
so it's in--
it's in the--
Oh, could I have that?
Stay where you are.
Goodbye, Liam.
Oh, I say!
[gasps]
Closed-Captioned By
J.R. Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA