Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
[FRED SANFORD] ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT. LIFT IT ON UP THERE,
PUT IT ON DOWN. COME ON, NOW YOU GOT IT.
GREAT. TO THE LEFT. NO--TO THE LEFT, YOU DUMMY.
NOW YOU GOT IT.
OH, THAT'S GREAT--
HEY, HOW ABOUT GIVING ME A LITTLE HELP, JACK?
I WOULD ROLLO, BUT THIS ARTHRITIS
HAS MOVED FROM MY HAND ALL THE WAY,
SPREADING AROUND IN MY BACK.
JUST GO ON AND GET THAT STUFF ON OUT THERE
BEFORE THE BILL COLLECTORS COME HERE
AND TRY TO REPOSSESS MY IMPOUND.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
OH THIS PLACE IS BUSY TODAY.
HELLO. CHATSWORTH CREDIT.
HELLO, CHAT.
YOU WHAT?
YOU HAVEN'T BEEN RECEIVING MY CHECKS?
WELL, THAT'S STRANGE, I'VE BEEN RECEIVING YOUR BILLS.
MUST BE A MESS UP AT THE POST OFFICE.
YEAH, I'LL TAKE CARE OF ALL THE BILLS.
YEAH, ALL OF THEM.
UH HUH, I PROMISE YOU.
MATTER OF FACT, THEY'RE IN NOW.
OKAY CHAT, BYE.
HERE'S THE MAIL.
MORE OF THESE.
BILL,
BILL,
BILL,
BILL,
WILLIAM.
BILL.
DON'T GET TOO COMFORTABLE, ROLLO,
WHERE'D YOU PUT THEM CLOCKS I TOLD YOU TO BRING IN HERE?
I PUT THEM UP IN THE ATTIC.
OH, WHO YOU GONNA SELL CLOCKS TO IN THE ATTIC,
THE TERMITES?
GO ON UP THERE NOW AND BRING THEM CLOCKS DOWN HERE
SO WE CAN SELL SOME OF THESE TO CUSTOMERS.
NOW?
NOW.
YOU'RE KIND OF A SLAVE DRIVER.
[POUNDING]
OH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A BILL COLLECTOR'S KNOCK.
HOWDY, STRANGER.
HOWDY, STRANGEMAN.
I GOT SOMETHING HERE FOR MR. FRED SANFORD.
OH, YOU CAN TAKE THE BILLS ON DOWN TO THE UNDERTAKER
PROBABLY 'CAUSE FRED IS DEAD.
FRED'S DEAD?
YOU HEARD WHAT I SAID.
THAT'S A SHAME, I GOT A GIFT HERE FOR HIM.
A GIFT?
WELL, LISTEN, I HOPE YOU'RE A RELIGIOUS MAN
BECAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT TO WITNESS A MIRACLE.
PRESTO. PRESTO. CHANGE-O.
FRED IS NOT DEAD-O.
YOU MR. FRED SANFORD?
LAMONT TOLD ME YOUR REAL NAME BEFORE.
WAIT A MINUTE NOW, YOU AIN'T GONNA
GET NO BUDDY HERE.
COME ON IN.
YOU MENTIONED MY SON LAMONT,
WHERE YOU KNOW LAMONT FROM?
OH, I'VE BEEN WORKING WITH HIM UP ON THE ALASKA PIPELINE.
I'M CAL PETTY, JUST BLEW INTO TOWN.
MUST'VE BEEN A TYPHOON.
LISTEN, NOW, CAL, HOW'S MY SON DOING?
OH, HE'S DOING REAL GOOD.
IS HE RICH YET?
NOT THAT REAL GOOD.
HE SAID TO SAY HI, TO TELL YOU
THAT HE MISSES YOU A LOT AND HE WANTED ME TO GIVE YOU
THIS GIFT FROM ALASKA.
WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED, A BOX FULL OF NUGGETS.
WHAT IS THIS?
THIS IS THERMAL DRAWERS.
HE SAYS YOU GET COLD IN THE NIGHT.
COLD AT NIGHT, BUT WHY DIDN'T HE SEND ME
AN ESKIMO WOMAN?
--LET ME TELL YOU, IT'S A GOOD THING
YOU'RE ONE OF LAMONT'S FRIENDS.
YEAH, I FEEL REAL RELIEVED.
LISTEN HERE.
WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE?
ARE YOU HAVING A RUMMAGE SALE OR YOU ALWAYS LIVE LIKE THIS?
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
LISTEN, YOU JUST IN TIME FOR MY BIG SALE.
SAY, I KNOW A FELLA LIKE YOU JUST CAME BACK FROM ALASKA,
I'M SURE YOU CAME BACK WITH PLENTY MONEY,
DIDN'T YOU?
WELL, I AIN'T COMPLAINING.
I GOT MYSELF A PRETTY GOOD BANKROLL HERE.
SAVING IT FOR JUST ONE THING, THOUGH, SEE,
I WANT TO BUY A BUSINESS OF MY OWN.
WELL, HOW MUCH OF THAT IS ROLL AND HOW MUCH OF THAT IS YOU?
I GOT ME $2000.
2000 BUCKS?
YO.
CAL, WHY DON'T YOU PUT YOUR BAG OVER THERE
AND PULL UP THE COUCH AND GET COMFORTABLE?
MAYBE I CAN GET YOU SOMETHING.
HOW ABOUT SOME COFFEE OR SOME DONUTS?
OR MAYBE A COUPLE OF SHEEP AND SOME SWEET POTATOES.
I AM A LITTLE THIRSTY FROM THE TRIP,
HOW ABOUT A DRINK?
YOU GOT THAT.
ALL RIGHT.
ONE DRINK COMING UP.
HERE WE GO.
NOW LISTEN, CAL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
NOW, IF YOU INVEST YOUR MONEY INTO BUSINESS,
YOU GOT TO BE SO CAREFUL OUT HERE
BECAUSE SOME OF THEM SLICKERS AND CON ARTISTS
WILL BE TRYING TO GET YOU.
OH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ME, MR. SANFORD.
SEE, I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
I'M GONNA BUY ME A CHICKEN RANCH.
SEE, EVER SINCE I WAS A LITTLE BOY
IN GRAND PRAIRIE, TEXAS--
WELL LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, CAL.
CHICKENS ARE ALL RIGHT, BUT THE SMART MONEY
IS IN SEMI-PRECIOUS RECYCLABLES.
WHAT'S THAT?
JUNK.
JUNK.
YOU'RE PULLING MY LEG AGAIN, AIN'T YOU?
I AIN'T GONNA DO NOTHING LIKE THAT.
SEE, CAL, JUNK IS WHERE IT'S AT.
WELL, TELL ME SOMETHING.
HOW DOES A MAN GET INTO A BUSINESS LIKE THIS?
WELL, NOW IT'S FUNNY YOU ASK, CAL.
SEE, THE JUNK BUSINESS IS LIKE ANY OTHER
GLAMOUR INDUSTRY, IT'S WHO YOU KNOW.
AND FORTUNATELY YOU'RE IN THE RIGHT PLACE
AT THE RIGHT TIME WITH THE RIGHT ROLL.
NOW I'VE BEEN THINKING OF EXPANDING
AND YOU LOOK LIKE A MAN THAT'S FAMILIAR
WITH EXPANSION.
WHAT KIND OF DEAL YOU GOT IN MIND?
I'M GONNA OFFER YOU 20 PERCENT
OF SANFORD UNLIMITED FOR, LET ME SEE,
LET ME PICK A FIGURE OUT THE AIR.
$2000.
I GOT ME $2000, BUT I COULDN'T AFFORD
BUT 1500.
SEE, I NEED THE OTHER 500 TO LIVE ON.
WELL, MAYBE I DIDN'T EXPLAIN, CAL.
SEE, THE 1500 IS FOR THE BUSINESS
AND THE 500, SEE, THAT'S FOR A DELUXE APARTMENT
IN THE EAST WING OF THE SANFORD ESTATES.
EAST WING, WHERE'S THAT AT?
UPSTAIRS, NORTH OF THE TOILET.
NOW THAT'S REALLY NICE OF YOU, MR. SANFORD, BUT, YOU KNOW,
I STILL NEED ME SOME MONEY FOR FOOD.
AND I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU THROW IN MEALS,
YOU GOT YOURSELF A DEAL.
MEALS?
YOU MEAN YOU EXPECT ME TO FILL THAT?
YOU WANT THE $2000 OR NOT, MR. SANFORD?
OKAY, YOU GOT A DEAL.
I WAS HOPING YOU'D SAY THAT, WHERE'S THE KITCHEN?
WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
AREN'T YOU GONNA TAKE YOUR BAG UP TO THE EAST WING?
OH NO, I'LL GET THAT SUCKER LATER.
I'M GONNA WHIP ME UP A DOZEN EGGS IN HERE,
A LITTLE HAM, A LITTLE STEAK AND POTATOES,
A LITTLE SIDE OF OKRA.
FOR BREAKFAST?
YEAH, I HAD A LITTLE SOMETHING BEFORE I CAME OVER.
I AIN'T TOO HUNGRY.
WHAT HAVE I DONE?
HEY, HOME, WHERE DO YOU WANT ME TO PUT THE C@@
PUT THEM OVER THERE, ROLLO.
HEY, THIS ONE'S REAL SLICK.
WELL, WIPE IT OFF THEN.
I JUST BOUGHT THESE AT 20 BUCKS A PIECE.
REAL SWISS CLOCKS.
SWISS, HUH?
THEN HOW COME IT SAYS "MADE IN JAPAN?"
DIDN'T YOU KNOW THAT ALL GOOD SWISS CLOCKS
ARE MADE IN JAPAN?
WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR CHEESE AT?
DOWN AT THE GROCERY STORE.
THAT'S FUNNY, I'D A SWORN I SMELLED SOME CHEESE.
WELL, PUT YOUR SHOES BACK ON.
[KNOCKING]
THAT DON'T SOUND LIKE NO BILL COLLECTOR.
HELLO.
HELLO.
I SAW YOUR AD IN THE PAPER.
OH, YOU FOUND THE BIG ONE.
IS IT ALL RIGHT IF I LOOK AROUND OUTSIDE?
NO, NO, GO RIGHT AHEAD.
LOOK OUT THERE, YOU MIGHT FIND SOMETHING NICE
TO LOOK AT, AND SO MIGHT I.
AN ASHTRAY FROM THE OLD METROPOLITAN HOTEL.
I STAYED THERE ONCE.
HOW DID YOU FIND THIS?
SAME WAY I FOUND THEM THREE TOWELS
AND TWO BOTTLES OF SOAP, IN MY SUITCASE.
THERE'S A DATE ON IT, 1948.
HMM, I NEVER NOTICED THAT.
1948. THAT BRINGS BACK
SOME FOND MEMORIES.
I'LL BUY IT.
YOU WILL? OH.
TWO DOLLARS.
YEAH, TWO DOLLARS.
NOW, ABOUT THIS--
EXCUSE ME.
ABOUT THIS CHAIR.
IT'LL LOOK NICE WITH SOME VARNISH ON IT.
NINE DOLLARS?
YEAH, NINE DOLLARS.
I'LL TAKE THAT.
YOU WILL?
THAT WAS THE CHAIR AND THE ASHTRAY,
THAT COMES TO $11.
YES, THAT WAS THE CHAIR AND THE ASHTRAY.
THE ASHTRAY WAS TWO DOLLARS AND THE CHAIR WAS NINE DOLLARS.
MULTIPLY BY 16.
FOUR INTO 7000, METRIC SIX.
THAT WOULD BE $11.
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL CLOCK.
YEAH, THAT'S JUST ONE OF A KIND.
OH, I CAN SEE THAT.
ORIGINAL. ORIGINAL.
IT'S A MAGNIFICENT ANTIQUE.
ITALIAN OR MAYBE SWISS.
NO--
DON'T TELL ME, DON'T TELL ME.
I WON'T.
MR. SANFORD, I'D LIKE TO BUY THIS CLOCK.
HOW MUCH?
WELL--
WOULD YOU CONSIDER 150?
A BUCK AND A HALF, ARE YOU KIDDING?
ONE-HUNDRED AND FIFTY. ARE YOU KIDDING?
A HUNDRED--
YEAH, I'LL LET YOU HAVE IT FOR THAT.
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
I'M LUCKY I CASHED A CHECK.
ME TOO.
NOW, THAT'S 100.
100.
120.
120.
140.
140.
$150.
$150.
HEY, JACK, YOU SOLD THE TRUCK?
ROLLO, YOU GO IN THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOURSELF
SOMETHING TO EAT.
PUT THE OVEN ON BROIL, AND WAIT TEN MINUTES,
AND JUMP IN.
MR. SANFORD, CAN YOU DELIVER THESE THINGS
TO THE HOUSE IN BEVERLY HILLS SOME TIME TOMORROW?
OH, I HAVE MY FEEDER TRUCKS OUT THERE ALL THE TIME.
THE ADDRESS IS 77--
UH, JUST A MOMENT.
WRITE THE ADDRESS RIGHT DOWN THERE.
OKAY.
77 CANTWELL DRIVE.
YEAH, I WAS OUT THERE COUPLE TIMES YESTERDAY.
YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T MEAN TO SPEND SO MUCH MONEY,
BUT MY LATE HUSBAND COLLECTED CLOCKS.
OH, YOUR HUSBAND'S LATE, YOU EXPECTING HIM?
NO, I'M A WIDOW.
THAT'S A COINCIDENCE BECAUSE I'M A WIDOWER.
WELL, THANK YOU, MR. SANFORD.
I'VE HAD A LOVELY DAY.
I FOUND A BEAUTIFUL CLOCK AND A VERY CHARMING MAN.
GOODBYE.
JUST A MOMENT.
YES?
LET ME, TELL YOU SOMETHING. SEE, THIS CLOCK
HAS A SCRATCH ON IT RIGHT HERE, SEE?
I CAN'T CHARGE YOU NO 150.
HERE, TAKE 30 OF IT BACK.
TAKE BACK 30?
OKAY, HERE'S 20 MORE.
NOW I'M ONLY PAYING 100.
WELL, TAKE ANOTHER 50.
I WON'T PAY A PENNY LESS THAN 80.
60.
70.
10.
20.
OKAY, YOU GOT A DEAL.
YOU DRIVE A HARD BARGAIN.
WELL, IT'S NOT THAT.
YOU SEE, THIS IS NOT AN ORIGINAL SWISS CLOCK.
SEE, I HAD MY THUMB ON THIS RISING SUN.
SEE RIGHT THERE?
IT'S REALLY MADE IN JAPAN.
WELL, I'LL BE, AN HONEST MAN.
WELL, NOT ORDINARILY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S COMING ON ME,
I MUST HAVE A FEVER.
WELL, WHATEVER'S COMING OVER YOU I CAN CERTAINLY APPRECIATE IT.
YOU KNOW, SINCE I'VE BEEN ALONE,
A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TRYING
TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME.
OH, WELL, I WOULD NEVER
TRY TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF A LADY,
ESPECIALLY IF I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HER NAME.
BY THE WAY, WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
EVELYN LEWIS, BUT YOU CAN CALL ME EVE.
WELL, YOU CAN CALL ME ADAM.
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW, ADAM.
ALL RIGHT, EVE.
SURE WISH I HAD ME A BIG RED APPLE.
[EVELYN LEWIS] THANKS AGAIN.
BYE.
[EVELYN LEWIS] BYE.
ELIZABETH, YOU THERE?
WELL, HONEY, IT AIN'T WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING,
BUT IT AIN'T WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
I DIDN'T EVEN THINK OF THAT.
YOU SEE, I'M GOING OUT THERE TOMORROW
TO 77 CANTWELL DRIVE WITH THIS STUFF
AND IT'S ALL BUSINESS, STRICTLY BUSINESS.
I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE HER PRETTY LEGS,
AND HER BIG BROWN EYES, AND-- I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THAT.
I SWEAR, ELIZABETH, IF I'M LYING TO YOU,
MAY I BE PARA--
WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
LOOK, TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF MY CLOTHES.
I SAID WAIT A MINUTE.
I MEAN, WHERE IN THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?
DON'T TELL ME TO WAIT A MINUTE.
I COME HERE TO DELIVER THIS STUFF HERE
FOR MS. LEWIS.
LISTEN, I'M MAKING SOME EXCEPTIONS THIS TIME,
BUT THE NEXT TIME YOU DELIVER YOUR STUFF
AT THE BACK DOOR.
AND DON'T GET NO DIRT ON THIS CARPET.
I SPENT THE WHOLE MORNING ON MY HANDS AND KNEES CLEANING.
WELL, IF YOU WAS THAT CLOSE TO THE DIRT,
YOU DIDN'T NEED NO VACUUM, YOU COULD'VE UGLIED IT AWAY.
YOU--YOU AIN'T WON NO BATHING BEAUTY CONTEST.
CLARA, THIS IS THE--
WHY HELLO, MR. SANFORD.
ADAM.
HI, ADAM.
HELLO, EVE.
BROUGHT YOU A BIG RED APPLE.
OH, THANK YOU.
I KNOW YOU HAD A LONG DRIVE, COME ON AND SIT DOWN.
OH YEAH, SURE.
BUT LISTEN, EVE, ARE YOU SURE I'M NOT GONNA
GET YOU INTO ANY TROUBLE?
TROUBLE?
YEAH, WE CAN TALK IN ANOTHER ROOM.
WELL, YOU DON'T LIKE THIS ROOM?
OH, I THINK IT'S FABULOUS.
BIG MARBLE FIREPLACE, SWIMMING POOL,
COUCH WITH NO CIGARETTE BURNS IN IT.
I KNOW JUST THE KIND OF PEOPLE
WHO LIVE HERE.
OH?
WHITE.
FRED, THIS IS MY HOUSE.
SURE IT IS.
FRED, IT'S MINE.
YOU MEAN-- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
YOU'RE RICH.
COMFORTABLE.
BUT WE STARTED OUT POOR.
WELL, THAT'S A COINCIDENCE BECAUSE THAT'S THE WAY
I STARTED.
I STARTED OUT POOR AND AFTER ALL THESE YEARS
OF PRACTICE, I GOT IT DOWN PAT.
HELLO. HELLO.
OH.
HELLO.
THIS IS MY BROTHER, WINSTON.
WINSTON, MEET MR. FRED SANFORD.
OH, MR. SANFORD.
SANFORD, SANFORD.
WELL, THAT NAME SOUNDS FAMILIAR.
DID WE MEET ON THE YACHT OR WAS IT THE MALIBU COLONY
LAST SUMMER?
NO, LAST SUMMER I WAS LAID UP
WITH MY--HEAT RASH.
FRED OWNS A JUNKYARD IN WATTS.
I BOUGHT ALL THESE THINGS THERE.
A JUNK MAN?
HOW COLORFUL.
ALL THE TIME I THOUGHT THERE WAS SOMETHING BETWEEN YOU TWO.
NO, THERE'S NOTHING BETWEEN US TWO BUT YOU.
I'LL RUN ALONG, I JUST DROPPED IN
TO SAY HELLO ANYWAY.
OH, SIS, I JUST REMEMBERED, I NEED TO BORROW
ROUGHLY ABOUT $1000.
I'M HAVING A SLIGHT PROBLEM WITH MY CASH FLOW.
$1000 AIN'T NO FLOW, THAT'S A TIDAL WAVE.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
OKAY.
AND IT'S NICE MEETING YOU, JUNKFORD.
THAT'S SANFORD. SANFORD.
CAPITAL S-A-N-F-O-R-D, PERIOD, FRED G.
THE G IS FOR GOODBYE.
WELL, I GUESS I'LL BE GOING TOO, EVE.
OH, DON'T LET WINSTON GET TO YOU.
COME ON, RELAX.
I'LL FIX YOU A DRINK.
I'M SURE I CAN FIND SOMETHING THAT YOU LIKE.
UH HUH.
I MUST'VE DIED AND WENT TO HEAVEN.
WHAT'LL IT BE? SCOTCH?
HUH?
BOURBON?
WHAT?
GIN?
OH.
RUM.
UH.
SHALL I PULL OUT SOME OF THE GOOD STUFF?
IT'S MY OWN PERSONAL FAVORITE,
RIPPLE.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S MY FAVORITE.
I LIKE IT WITH CREAM. I CALL IT "CRIPPLE""
I'LL GO GET SOMETHING FOR YOU TO NIBBLE ON.
I'M ALL RIGHT RIGHT HERE.
HI.
I WILL BE IN A MINUTE.
YOU HERE TO PICK UP CLARA?
CLARA? YOU MEAN, THE MAID?
YEAH.
I WOULDN'T PICK HER UP WITH A PAIR OF ICE TONGS.
WELL, I SEE YOU'VE MET MY DAUGHTER, SISSY.
SISSY, MR. SANFORD.
HOW DO YOU DO?
YOUR DAUGHTER?
I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE UPSTAIRS MAID.
OH, I LIKE HIM, MAMA.
NOW, THAT'S THE SORT OF MAN YOU SHOULD BE SEEING.
IT'S BE GOOD FOR YOU.
SISSY, OUT, OUT.
OH, MAMA. OKAY, OKAY.
OH, IS IT OKAY IF I GO AWAY SKIING THIS WEEKEND?
OH SURE.
GREAT, THANKS.
WHO ARE YOU GOING WITH?
OH, THE USUAL GANG, SUSIE, AND SYLVIA, JACKIE, ANGIE,
BOB, PATRICE, MARY--
HOLD IT. BACK UP THREE NAMES.
IS THIS BOB A GUY?
WELL, SORT OF.
NO WAY.
YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT,
SHE SAID BOB WAS SORT OF.
I'M SORRY, SISSY, THE ANSWER IS NO.
OH MAMA, YOU KNOW, ONE OF THESE DAYS
YOU'RE GONNA LET ME ACT MY AGE.
OF COURSE BY THEN I'LL PROBABLY BE TOO OLD TO ENJOY IT.
IT'S REALLY HARD RAISING THESE KIDS TODAY.
YEAH, IT IS HARD.
I HAD THE SAME TROUBLE WITH LAMONT.
I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO GO SKIING WITH BOB EITHER.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE TERRIFIC.
I HAVEN'T LAUGHED THIS MUCH IN YEARS.
WELL, YOU OUGHT TO KEEP IT UP 'CAUSE IT SURE MAKES YOU
HAVE A PRETTY FACE.
I WISH I COULD.
BUT IT ISN'T EASY WHEN YOU'RE ALONE,
IS IT, FRED?
NO, ALONE, THAT'S ALL RIGHT
IN THE TOILET, BUT THAT'S IT.
WELL, YOU'RE A WIDOWER, SO YOU UNDERSTAND.
I, THESE PAST FEW YEARS I'VE BEEN MISSING JOHN
MORE AND MORE.
YEAH, I KNOW, 'CAUSE I BEEN MISSING ELIZABETH
AND SOMETIMES I FIND MYSELF TALKING TO HER.
YOU DO?
YEAH, WHEN I'M ALONE.
YOU KNOW WHAT, FRED?
HMM?
I HAVEN'T BEEN ATTRACTED TO A MAN IN A LONG TIME.
ME EITHER.
HOW ABOUT A DRINK?
TO US.
WAIT A MINUTE, I SAW THIS IN A MOVIE
WITH MICKEY ROONEY AND MARIE DRESSLER.
AH, IT'S GOOD. MM.
[MUSIC]
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY PEOPLESUPPORT TRANSCRIPTION AND CAPTIONING