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Now the reason we are here
is to love each other
take care of each other
when love walks in the room
everybody stand up
oh, it's good, good, good
to say I love you,
I love you, I love you
I love you, I love you,
I love you
We are young, we run free
"Keep on truckin'.
"
Just--it seems a little
on the nose,
since you're, you know,
a trucker.
That's how I live my life, son.
Well, hey, if you want
a cool philosophy,
what about Joseph Campbell?
That dude said
some pretty heavy stuff,
like, uh, "we must let go
of the life we have planned
so as to accept the life
that is waiting for us.
"
That's pretty good.
It's not bad.
Kind of long.
Doesn't have
the word "truck" in it.
All I'm saying is, what if you
want to change careers?
Dan, can I talk to you
for a second?
Yeah, one minute.
Like, what if you wake up
one day
and you decide
you want to be, like,
a magician, right?
'Cause then you're gonna
have to change it
to something like, uh,
"keep on trickin'.
"
Wait.
That's better
for a male ***.
Hey, what
about a male ***?
Okay, I got to talk to you
for a second.
What is with the manhandling?
I'm working.
See that sign?
That sign says
"Judd's Tattoo Parlour,"
not "Dan's opinions.
"
Actually, it just says
"Tattoo Parlour.
"
What's with the "U" anyway?
Uh, that gives us class.
Separates us
from the tattoo parlor
down the street
that sells crack.
That "U" pays for itself, man.
My point is unless a customer
wants a swastika
or a republican campaign slogan,
you got to give them exactly--
and you're not listening
to a word I'm saying.
What?
Here comes Alex.
Question--who is the hottest
girl in Venice?
Answer--my wife,
because I love her,
and she has ears everywhere.
Hi, Regan!
Alex keeps it real, man.
I bet she brushes her teeth
with a stick.
I bet she makes her own
flip-flops out of dreams.
- How high are you?
- Not at all.
- Amazing.
- That's the girl for me, man.
You just know
she has no hang-ups.
That's a girl
with zero baggage.
- How do you know that?
- Look at her.
She's above it all, man.
It's like she knows stuff
we don't know,
like does God exist,
or is wrestling real?
I want to marry her.
How do I look?
Well, you know
how I feel about the ponytail.
I know.
It has half
your personality.
All my personality.
Well, at least it's back
to it's original color.
I got to tell you,
that pink was--
and now you're just
scooting away
in the middle
of me talking to you?
I'm talking--
- hey, Alex.
- Hi, Dan.
Hey, let me carry this for you.
- Thanks.
- Chivalry lives.
Hey, listen, if you're not
doing anything,
why don't you pop in the shop?
I'll give you a free tattoo.
Yeah?
What would I get?
Uh, how about a mop,
since you could mop the floor
with every woman
on this street?
- Wow.
- Uh, yeah, sorry.
That was really lame.
I meant for that to be lame.
I really hope so.
You know, I've actually
been thinking
about getting another one.
I just can't decide what.
You know, actually,
that's kind of my thing.
Within ten seconds
of meeting somebody,
I can tell exactly
what kind of tat they need.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Go for it.
I got nothing.
You're perfect.
Actually, you probably
shouldn't come in the shop.
We'd just be bantering
like this all day.
Here
You need to hydrate.
You're working way too hard.
Oh.
Ooh, champagne.
Are you celebrating?
Yeah, I'm having a party
at the gallery tonight.
- Party? I love to party.
- I remember.
I saw you last year
at that art opening.
You were wearing a cape
and roller skates.
Oh, remembering
every detail--
someone's got a secret crush.
So you seem like the kind
fo girl who'd throw a party
around 9:00--9:00-ish.
Oh, man, my daisies.
I know it's the pit bull
from that antique store.
He's only got three legs.
So if you say anything,
you're an a-hole.
All right,
I got to get rid of that.
Thanks again, Dan.
Yeah.
You're sweet.
Bye.
Bye.
Nothing at all
whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo,
hoo ooh ooh
nothing at all
So she definitely invited you?
I just don't want a repeat
of that art opening.
Dude, she totally invited us.
Will you relax?
It's not healthy.
You get all red-faced and puffy.
Oh, you know
what I'm gonna get you?
- What?
- A gentleman's facial.
Guys can do that now.
It's not just for gays anymore.
Okay, see, this worries me.
Please just tell me exactly
what she said to you.
Let's just say
she put out the vibe.
- Oh, the vibe.
- Yeah.
The vibe that you were invited
even though
she didn't invite you?
I definitely picked that up.
Did you tell her?
did you tell her?
did you tell her?
Did you tell her about us?
did you tell her?
Wow, there are a lot
of women in here.
Why did I wear this shirt?
I look like a California grape.
Check it out.
We stumbled
into a hot lesbian beer bash.
Why, what are you saying,
that Alex is a lesbian?
Women are flexible, Judd.
Their--their sexuality is
more fluid than ours, you know?
It's, like, "what do I want?
"Do I want something
rough and hairy tonight,
or do I want
something soft?"
It's like a sprinkle of Bob
and a dash of Marie.
These ladies don't care.
They're just hungry.
Oh, there she is right there.
Take a picture, ladies.
[Cheers and applause]
Did you tell?
Did you tell her?
did you? Did you?
Did you tell her?
Oh-ho.
This is the kind of party
God would throw.
I guess he does exist.
What is--this is, like,
a girls gone wild video.
Like, any second,
they're gonna pour beer
on their chests and flick on
the air conditioners.
You've just never been
around a lady
who's fully realized.
Whoa.
My wife
is fully realized.
I mean, sometimes she'll go
to the store,
and she forgets to wear a bra.
I mean,
it might just be laziness,
but it gets my motor running.
I'm gonna go say hi.
Uh, wait, should I wait
till she puts the top back on?
All right, I'll get a drink,
and then I'll decide.
Okay.
Did you tell her?
did you tell her
what we did?
did you tell her?
did you tell her
I was cool?
did you tell her?
did you tell her
you were hot?
Your turn.
Oh.
Uh, okay.
You know, if they were bigger,
I could sign my whole name.
You know, I don't even know her
that well.
I'm just gonna sign
her clavicle.
Did you? Did you?
Did you tell her?
did you tell her?
did you? Did you?
Did you tell her?
did you tell her?
did you tell her
about us?
did you tell her?
did you tell her
what we did?
[Cell phone rings]
- Hey, babe.
- Hey, I want to bake a cake.
So can you bring home
some cake stuff?
You know what?
Just bring home a cake.
You are never gonna believe
where I am.
I'm at this crazy party
where all the girls
are taking topless pictures
and all the food
looks like ***.
- Fun.
I'm folding socks.
- Dan made me come.
He's really crazy about the girl
who runs the gallery,
who right now is having her
*** signed by two gay guys.
And I've moved on
to your underwear.
Hey, you know,
that sounds like that party
that I went to
for my cousin, Elizabeth.
Oh, yeah, but that was sad.
She had breast cancer, right?
Did you tell her?
did you? Did you?
Did you tell her?
don't you think
you'd better?
You're at the Goodbye *** party?
Yes-- yes.
She said goodbye to her ***.
I shouldn't be here.
I've never even matter ***.
Yeah, so why are you there?
Uh, I don't know.
****
I'm going to find him, I
don't know where he is.
He isn't with you?
Judd, make him not be stupid.
Ok, ok, you know there **** cakes, ****.
Oh, oh, yes, yes, yes get chocolate.
But go find them.
Ok.
- Oh.
- Hey, what's up?
- Wow.
Dan's here.
- Yeah.
I thought I'd stop by,
you know?
It's Venice, right?
Right.
Yeah.
Hey, by the way,
I love this theme.
Is, uh, somebody getting
a *** job?
Yeah.
You could say that.
Oh, my God.
It's not you, is it?
We just talked about this,
seriously.
I mean it when I say
you don't need any work done.
Dan, I'm having a mastectomy.
Alex, hey.
- Hi.
- Great party.
I mean, not, um, great,
but, uh, empowering.
I would imagine.
Um, look, whatever he said,
he's sorry.
Uh, I'm sorry.
And, uh, do me a favor.
Um, take what I wrote
on your clavicle
with a grain of salt.
You guys, it's fine.
Enjoy yourselves.
And, hey, don't leave
without trying
a Mexican *** cookie.
Hey.
Oh.
My one night out,
I'm wearing a purple shirt,
and I crash a cancer party.
Thanks, buddy.
We got to get out of here.
No, no, no.
You can't leave.
If you leave now,
you're a ***.
And you're already a ***,
so that's *** sququared.
And when you square something,
you just don't times it
by two, Danny.
It's times itself.
That's *** times ***.
I kind of feel like you're not
supporting me here, Judd.
You know what?
It's 9:00.
We'll stay
for a half hour, right?
Then we'll take a cupcake.
Throw it in a napkin
for my premenstrual wife.
And then we'll say
our good-byes.
You can do that--
half an hour, buddy.
- Okay.
Yeah.
30 minutes.
- 30--you can do that.
Right up here.
All right.
I can do this.
I can do this.
- Of course you can.
- 30 minutes.
- Good night, Dan.
- Oh, hey.
How are you?
I was, uh, just looking
for the bathroom.
But you know what?
Forget it.
I've got one at home.
It's okay.
I get why you'd want to bolt.
You know, you came here
thinking you might get laid
or something.
And you know what?
Under different circumstances,
that probably
would've happened.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, please don't be.
It's fine.
I'm--I'm drinking champagne.
It's a good night.
You, uh
Seem pretty okay with this.
Well, might as well get
a good party out of it, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, Dan, can I--
can I ask you
to do something for me
Even though it's gonna
sound a little strange?
Uh, sure.
Would you get to second
with me?
What? You mean, like,
you want me to?
Yeah.
Come on, you'll be the last guy
who gets to feel the real me
Unless some orderly
at the hospital
decides to get
a little freaky, you know?
[Chuckles]
Yeah.
Yeah.
Sure.
I should probably warm
these up a little bit.
Strange you never knew
fade into you
It's a shame.
You really
Have good ***.
I know.
[Crying]
They're really good.
No.
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry.
I made you cry.
No.
No.
Please don't take
all the credit.
You know, I have--
I have other reasons.
Yeah.
No.
Of course.
Uh, you know, in hard times,
um
I always say
"Keep on truckin'.
"
Really?
"Keep on truckin'"?
Thanks, Dan.
That sounds like a plan.
I think it's strange
you never knew
I can't believe
that's what you said to her.
You might as well have said,
"hang in there, kitty,"
or, "a friend with weed
is a friend indeed.
"
I know.
I know.
I totally blew it.
I could've been there for her.
Hey, by the way,
I'm sorry I ditched you, dude.
Oh, don't worry about it.
You know what?
After you left, I actually ended
up having a pretty good time.
Look at that.
You look really happy there.
At 2:00 a.
M.
, good-bye ***
became good-bye pants.
- You show that to Colleen yet?
- And delete.
Hey, you know what?
Maybe I could, like, drive her
to the hospital
or, uh, talk to her doctors
or look after her cat.
She seems like the kind of chick
that would have a cat
and a bird, you know?
They would get along
because of her, right?
Yeah, until one of them
got hungry.
Look, man, I'm really liking
this side of you.
But I think a girl like this
has already got people
to take care of stuff
like that for her.
Yeah, and not the guy
that walked out of her party.
I guess I'm more like the guy
that you come to for tattoos
or to shoot fireworks
out of his butt crack,
not life stuff.
You know what, though?
That was a very spirited
fourth of July.
I really like her, dude.
I know, but you're a ***.
Not a day goes by
that I think I'm sane
not a day goes by
that I feel the same
about being through
not a day without you
not a tear falls down
from my desperate brain
not a tear descends
and I find I can refrain
from the emptiness
Hey, get out of here!
Get out of here, dude!
He's got three legs,
a-hole!
And in my darkest sadness
I ache for just a fix
of you
and in my darkest sadness
I ache for just a fix
of you
- Hey.
- Hi.
You're alive!
Why would that ever be
the right thing to say?
It's okay.
I am very much alive.
I already felt fat in my jeans
and hung up on my mom.
I am back in the world.
- It's the little things, right?
- Yeah.
So I'm guessing the daisies
are from you?
They're beautiful.
Thank you.
Dan, I owe you an apology.
I shouldn't have laid
all that on you at the party.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
It's fine.
It's good.
It's good.
I mean, it's good that,
you know, I could, um
Be there for you, you know?
And if you need anything--
anything at all--
like, you need somebody
to do your laundry
or field phone calls
from your mom,
'cause she kind of sounds
like a handful,
I'm your guy, you know?
O-or if--if you just want
to, uh, grab some dinner
some time or something.
Dan, no, it's--
you don't have to do that.
Um, I mean,
it's--it's hard to explain.
I just have so much stuff
going on right now, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no.
- And, you know, you're Dan.
- Yeah.
You know, it's just--
it's so not your trip.
Yeah, yeah, right.
But, seriously, thank you
so much for the flowers,
because that was so sweet.
You're welcome.
I'll see you around.
Yeah.
See you.
Alex, I'm not just Dan, okay?
I'm not just the guy
who does tattoos
and surfs and can get you
medical marijuana--
which, by the way,
I'm totally gonna hook you up,
'cause a friend with weed
is a friend indeed.
Okay.
But, seriously, I'm somebody
who you can come to with stuff.
I'm somebody
who you can lean on.
And--and, yes,
I have no idea
what you're going through
right now.
But I sure as hell want to try.
You know?
I know, but--
- here, I want to do this
with you.
- What are you--no, Dan.
- It's okay.
- You don't have to--
- I'm not afraid.
- But I'm not--
- Listen, hey, shh.
It's okay.
I'm not afraid.
I want to do this.
Okay?
Okay.
See?
No big deal.
Dan, I'm not doing chemo.
Wait.
You mean you're not
going to lose your hair?
Why'd you let me cut mine?
Because you're a 30-year-old
dude with a ponytail.
At least one good thing
should come from cancer
Right?
Turn around.
Lately
oh, lately
I've been living
for the weekend
but no, not anymore
'cause here comes that
familiar feeling
that's Friday's famous for
yeah, I'm looking
for some action
and it's out there
somewhere
you can feel
the electricity
all in the evening air
and it may just be
more of the same
So I delete my phone number,
and then I escape,
never to be seen again.
I call it the ninja vanish.
It's quite elegant, actually.
Why do you leave?
Isn't it less suspicious
to get back in the bed?
Yeah, but then
you're not vanishing.
You're erasing.
And this is the ninja vanish,
not the ninja erase.
Special delivery
for Uncle Ricky.
Oh, no, no, no.
Hello.
So why do you even give them
your number?
You could still leave
and not see them again.
Yeah, you could.
But then you're just escaping.
Not vanishing.
And there's nothing
really ninja-y about that.
I think the vanish is genius.
You should win an award
or something.
Yeah.
Like a nobel
"piece of ***" prize.
[Laughter]
More like
an ***-cademy award.
Okay, dude, if you're not even
gonna try
So what if the phone--
[Child screams]
Jeffery, go apologize
right now!
Right now!
Five, four
So what if they lock the phone?
Then you're screwed.
That's part
of the challenge--
getting the pass code.
To find out what they're
really into
I always say,
"do you have a pet?
I'd love to see
a picture of it.
"
Single women all have pets,
and they love to show them off.
And you get a chance
to see their pass code.
- Nice.
- You're such an a-hole, man.
Actually, that's the beauty
of the ninja vanish.
You never come off
as an a-hole.
I always leave a cozy note,
saying sorry I had to leave,
but I didn't want to wake her.
Enjoy the room service.
Charming, funny, charming.
Call me.
She looks for my number,
can't find it.
She thinks I'm great,
and technology sucks.
I got to admit,
that is pretty good.
How many women have you dumped?
I'm not dumping.
I'm preventing.
"Dumping" sounds so negative.
The ninja vanish
is like a ***.
I get to have a great time
with the woman
without the fear
of contracting a relationship.
Oh, man, I want to be you.
Of course you want to be me.
You're dead inside.
And by "dead inside," I mean
you're married, that's all.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
gentlemen,
I got a date.
- With who?
- Tell you in the morning.
There you are.
[Phone clatters]
- Hey.
- Hey.
- What's going on?
- I tripped.
I think I d--
yeah, my foot.
Ow.
- Are you leaving?
- You know, work.
Mm.
You didn't want
to wake me.
- Exactly.
- Do you really have to go?
I don't want to impose.
You know, I'm a bit
of a blankie hog.
No.
Stay.
I want you to.
Come on.
Get back in bed.
[Pats bed]
Come on.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
See you in the morning.
Apparently.
So, Ricky--wait,
is it Ricky or Richard?
- Uh, it's Ricky.
- Has it always been Ricky?
Three months ago,
I was dj pajama jammy jam.
- Dj pajama jammy jam?
- Yeah.
I show up at the club
in my pajamas
and we
jam
[Both laugh]
Well, I like Richard.
I don't know--I just think
it sounds more masculine.
I like Richard too
When you say it.
[Chuckles]
So, Richard, I had fun
last night.
And, uh, no offense,
but I didn't really peg you
for being such a good dancer.
So you think you can dance?
Oh, I know I can dance.
Well, I meant 'cause you're
a little top heavy.
You just call it
like you see it, huh?
I've never met anyone
like you before.
Is that a good thing?
Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
Thank you.
Oh, um, I know I have
your number in my phone,
but I wanted to make sure
that you had mine too.
- Oh, okay.
- Mm-hmm.
You dotted your "I"
with a heart
and kissed the paper.
Heart and a kiss.
[Knock at door]
Mm.
That's
the cream
[Laughs]
the cream
[Gasps]
Thank you.
So did you mean what you said?
What are you talking about?
That you never met
anyone like me.
Oh.
Angie, yeah.
You know, some people mean
what they say,
but don't say what they mean.
That's your artists,
your songwriters--
Stevie wonder, Burt bacharach,
you know what I mean?
Some people say what they mean,
but don't mean what they say--
lawyers, politicians,
the guy at the car wash
that keeps asking me
if I want to upgrade
to executive.
I don't need that.
I prefer to say what I mean,
mean what I say.
You know what I mean?
I honestly don't.
Oh, oh, oh!
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
It's nice and wet.
I can--
- oh, oh, oh.
- No, no, no!
You know what?
I'll just--I'll just, uh--
- no, no, no.
- No, no, no.
I'm gonna scratch shower
off the list.
I can't believe
I-I did that.
You know, there's a blow-dryer
in the bathroom.
Why don't you wait here?
I'll go get it.
Oh, you don't have to do--
okay.
Hey, hey, hey.
Can we make sure the settings
are on low?
'Cause I don't want to roast
my chestnuts.
I'm serious.
Don't burn my balls.
That must've been a nightmare.
Ah, it wasn't that bad.
It's good to be challenged
every once in a while.
Keeps you on your toes.
Plus, Angie was pretty cool.
Whoa, whoa, "Angie"?
Getting a little familiar.
Dude, I'm not a monster, okay?
It's not, "hey, you.
Had a good time, you.
"Got time to ***,
but no time to learn
your name, you.
"
No, it's, "take care, Angie.
"
"And you, Richard.
"
Civil.
Richard?
Mama don't even call you
Richard.
- Uh-oh.
- No uh-oh.
You didn't tell her
your dj name, did you?
No, I did not.
Maybe you
shouldn't have ninja'd her.
Now you can't see her again.
I don't want to see her again.
Yes, you do.
Give her a call.
He's gonna call.
No, he's not.
Just shut up.
Look, guys, relax.
I'm not gonna call her, okay?
Did we have a good time?
Yes, we had a great time.
That's the whole point.
We're supposed to have
a great time.
We're not in a relationship
just because it spilled
into the morning and we watched
kathie Lee and hoda together.
Whoa.
Wait a minute.
You watched
kathie Lee and hoda together?
Yeah.
All: Oh!
- It is over!
- Guys, I have the number
Right here.
And I will tear
this bad boy up.
- There's nothing on that.
- What?
- Dude, it's blank.
- That's impossible.
I saw what she put on--
She vanished your ***.
I saw the number.
I put it in my pocket.
Well, could she have, like--
I don't know--
switched the papers?
It's the same paper.
The lipstick's still on it.
Well, it looks like you met
your match, man.
A pug--she got a pug
named cinco.
I found that out
when I got her pass code
and she was showing me pictures
of the dog in a bowtie.
That's good.
That's good.
There's a dog park
over on 6th right near here.
Nobody vanishes me.
Yeah! He's back!
Oh!
Jeffery, apologize right now!
Five
Can't just we have our dog sling up?
Once we find this Angie,
we're gonna beat her up, right?
No.
Who married you?
[Cell phone rings]
She always knows
when I'm talking about her.
I hate that.
Hey, baby.
Still on the stakeout.
What? What do you mean
I bought the wrong batteries?
[Imitates whip cracking]
- No, you told me double-a.
- There she is.
Good boy.
Check and mate.
Oh-ho.
Oh, my God.
What are you doing here?
Enjoying the park.
Actually, I was gonna call you
and tell you
how great of a time I had
the other night,
but somehow
your number disappeared.
Oh, yeah.
How did you find me?
Your dog.
Women never lie
about their dogs.
Noted.
So how'd you do
the whole thing with the number?
Well, I Houdini'd you.
Houdini'd?
Yeah.
It's what I do
when I want to make sure
a guy can't call me again.
I use these pens with this ink
that vanishes
when heat's applied.
- You're joking.
- No, no, it's true.
And then it reappears
when you place it
in something cold.
See, when I figured out
I didn't want to go out
with you again,
spilling the water on you,
blow-drying your pants
made the ink vanish.
You were Houdini'd.
- That is fantastic!
- Mm-hmm.
Slightly emasculating,
but well done.
I actually have something I do.
It's called the ninja vanish.
I take your phone
and then delete my number.
Oh, that's what you were doing
with your hand
under the table.
"Ninja vanish"--
good for you.
Well, uh,
thanks for stalking me.
Take care.
Hey, you know
I was thinking maybe we could go
out on a second date.
Look, um,
you're a nice enough guy
and pretty funny,
but I don't think
you're dating material.
Really? Why not?
Well, see, some guys
mean what they say,
but don't say what they mean.
Those are your dreamy,
drifter, biker,
James Dean types.
I got those out of my system
in high school.
Other guys say what they mean,
but don't mean what they say--
father figure,
financially stable,
buys you a nice piece
of jewelry, but it's all hollow.
Outgrew them in college.
And now all I want is a man
that says what he means
and means what he says.
And you'd be amazed
at how hard it is
to find a man like that, Ricky.
Actually, look,
this is different for me,
because I've never met
anyone like you.
When I was stealing your phone,
I was, like,
"wow, this girl is awesome.
She's special.
"
[Chuckles]
You know what?
My guess is you've met
a lot of special girls.
You just never stayed around
long enough to find out.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
It's like pregnant pinball.
Sorry.
Oh, uh--
- why do we have to suffer
because you had unsafe sex?
It wasn't unsafe.
They used a petri dish
and a blow gun.
Okay, a little respect.
I'm creating life here.
I'm kind of a God
Who pees too much.
When I was pregnant,
my husband said
I was never sexier.
Oh.
He was probably
just being nice,
unless you were, like,
the one pregnant woman on earth
who didn't get swollen ankles
and a 13-year-old boy's
mustache.
[Laughs]
Okay.
[Cell phone rings]
It's my sister.
Hey, Chloe.
Yeah.
A blind date?
Yes, a blind date.
Why don't you let yourself
have some fun for once, okay?
You deserve it.
Oh, I'm fat.
I don't deserve anything.
And that's my fault you're fat?
Technically,
it's your baby's fault.
Oh, I knew it.
You totally resent me.
I have ruined your life.
You know, if you don't want
to be my surrogate,
you just say so.
Uh, I say we just let it
play out.
Look, Chloe, I am so happy
that I can do this
for you guys.
I just don't really feel
like dating right now.
Are you making a Martini?
No.
No, no, no.
We have a deal.
I have given up everything
that you've given up.
But, Annie, this guy
is amazing.
He's so sweet.
His name is Matt.
I don't know.
Matt? Sounds gay.
Please.
You have been
such an angel.
Let me do this for you.
Chloe!
He's meeting you
at the tapas place on Jones
tomorrow night at 8:00.
If you don't go,
he'll think you're a ***.
Oh, and no soft cheeses.
Okay, love you.
Ugh.
[Exhales deeply]
- Ooh, I love that one.
- This is my maternity girdle.
Why am I even doing this?
I should've just waited
two months.
No.
No, you need this.
You've been so down lately.
I think it's the hormones.
It is not the hormones.
That's just an excuse pregnant
women use to act insane.
Okay, whatever.
You have not been yourself.
I have been great.
I'm--I'm better than myself.
I'm being a great sister.
How great is that?
I'm great!
We miss you.
We super miss you.
Don't you miss you?
Don't you miss
"fun going out" you?
Yes, I do.
I miss everything.
I miss flirting with guys
and feeling sexy
and getting really drunk
and making out with those guys.
Okay, Luis, which one
do you like?
Do you like the black
with the ruching
or the black with the piping?
Annie, you look really good.
Just leave that one on.
Yeah?
- Yeah, it's the winner.
- Okay, well
Hey, you know what?
Just one more thing.
I got these from that
drag queen, Katrina victims.
Bigger ***,
minimize the tummy.
Let's go.
Yeah, why didn't your ***
get bigger?
- They doubled in size.
- Oh, that's sad.
What? Oh.
- Mine won't go in there.
- Um
Is it in there?
Okay, this is, honestly,
the worst three-way ever.
No, I've had worse.
You come with that look
in your eyes
and I feel
my temperature rise
Please be him.
Please be him.
Please be him.
Your hands reach
for my waist
I quickly turn away
oh, but then I inch
closer to you
- Matt?
- I'm Matt.
Hi.
I'm Annie.
Wow.
You are so not
what I expected.
- What were you expecting?
- Oh, I don't know.
My sister has just been known
to set me up
with some total creeps
in the past.
You know, guys who still live
with their moms
or seem like they keep
cheerleaders
in the basement or something.
I don't even have
a good closet.
[Laughs loudly]
Ah.
Wow.
I'm just--no I'm just--
I'm really saying
that you're good.
You are--
you're really good.
- You seem very good too.
- Thank you.
You have
really nice eyes, Matt.
So do you, Annie.
Oh! Um, that's--
that's a little too fast.
It's not that
I'm not feeling it, too,
'cause I totally am.
I'm just--
it's a little too soon.
I was just gonna
tell you your
- [Gasps]
- Yeah.
Did you think
I was going to kiss you?
- No.
- It's okay if you did.
But can I ask you
a question first?
- Mm-hmm.
- Who are you?
Are we not on a blind date?
I think you have
the wrong Matt.
Wait, if you knew
I made a mistake,
why didn't you say something?
I wanted to see
where this was going.
I've never been hit on
by a pregnant lady
with detachable ***.
Okay,
it is not like that at all.
First of all,
I'm not even pregnant.
Well, I am,
but I'm not keeping it.
I mean, I'm not having
an abortion,
not that I'm against it.
I just feel like a woman
has a right to choose.
[Laughs]
Okay, my sister
has a hostile womb.
You shouldn't laugh
at a pregnant lady.
I'm sorry.
It's just your other thing
is trying to get away.
Bartender, can I please
have a Martini
so I can throw it
in this man's face?
Annie?
Hey.
Hi.
[Clears throat]
If you'll excuse me,
I have a date with better Matt.
That makes me so mad
that guy treated you that way.
That's very sweet,
but let's just forget about it.
A pregnant woman
deserves respect.
- That is what I always say.
- I mean it.
I mean, there's nothing
more precious to me
than a woman with child.
[Laughs]
"With child.
"
May I touch your belly?
Oh.
Maybe after we order.
And a side of hummus.
Thank you.
Now can I touch it?
Oh!
- Oh.
- Hoo-hoo.
No.
We can wait.
So do you find your orgasms
are longer and more intense
the closer you get
to your due date?
- [Shudders]
- Oh, you cold?
Okay, will you excuse me?
Oh, sure.
Sure.
Yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Extra pressure on that bladder.
Take it easy.
Yeah.
What--hello?
Hello?
How's it going
with better Matt?
He is a freak.
He wants to take me shopping
for lactation pads.
Maybe he's got a guy.
Okay, what is this doing here?
Isn't this, like, a violation?
Can you please call
the authorities?
Oh.
What's in this thing--rocks?
Oh, yeah.
Rocks.
Take them out.
I will pay you per rock.
All right, here's the plan.
I round up six of the most
strapping homeless men
I can find, tell them
I'll pay them in rocks,
they'll probably go for it,
boom, you're
out of the restaurant.
I'm a hero.
Probably get my face
on a stamp.
Okay.
I get it.
This is dumb.
It is just one date,
and they are small plates.
See that? Hormones--
they just leveled out.
Mm.
Somebody took a long time.
Nothing
to be embarrassed about.
Hemorrhoids
are a common problem.
I could ask for a pillow
for you to sit on, if you want.
Excuse me, Annie,
you have a phone call.
Oh.
Okay.
Um, I'll be right back.
- Let me help you.
- No!
I'm good.
You know, there's another way
to leave a restaurant.
Let's go.
I don't know why I'm surprised
by any of this.
My sister once set me up
with a guy she met
in the ladies' room.
Mmm.
Thank you.
Why not wait
till after the baby
to jump back
into the dating world?
I know.
I know.
But everyone just kept saying,
"you're not being yourself.
Go out and have some fun
and feel sexy again.
"
I really thought I missed
all of that.
- You don't?
- I don't know.
You know, when I agreed
to do this for my sister,
I knew it would be hard,
but I didn't really think
about how hard, you know,
or that I wouldn't
have someone to do it with
or that I wouldn't get
to keep the baby in the end.
I guess--I don't know.
It just makes me feel lonely,
you know?
That's it.
I just--
I feel kind of all alone.
You're doing
an amazing thing for her.
Yeah.
I just kind of wanted
her to like me.
[Chuckles]
Listen, um, thank you
so much for the pretzel
and for your jacket
and for rescuing
the pregnant lady.
For the record, Annie,
you're a very sexy
pregnant lady.
[Gasps] Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
- No, I'm sorry.
- It's the hormones.
[Cell phone ringing]
This girl I was supposed
to meet, she was late--
- please, please, please go.
I'm actually--
I'm gonna get this cab.
And, um, no, go.
Don't keep her waiting.
Go.
Okay.
Take care of yourself, Annie.
Here
There's your jacket.
Okay.
Um, oh, uh, Matt
Maybe I will see you
on a stamp one day.
Oh-ooh ooh-ooh
ooh-ooh
yeah yeah ooh-ooh
ooh-ooh
yeah yeah yeah
you don't know what you had
Someone's got a bounce
in her step.
Oh.
What happened?
Point on Luis
where you touched him.
Was it in his
bathing-suit area?
You know what?
Matt was really nice.
But if Matt calls,
I am not here.
The baby's attacked her brain.
- [Wolf-whistles]
- Did you just whistle at me?
Sorry.
Just goofing around.
No, it's good.
Keep objectifying
pregnant women.
They really need it.
- [Gasps] A new tattoo?
- "Keep on truckin'.
"
That's my motto, Annie.
Whatever life hands you,
you pick yourself up
and keep right on going.
A very wise tattoo artist
in Venice, ca.
,
once said to me
"you got to let go
"of the life
you were planning
In order to accept the one
that's waiting for you.
"
Boom--
Joseph Campbell.
He also said,
"follow your bliss,"
which is pretty dope.
J.
C.
was ***.
Now I don't know.
I'm worried about the daisies.
Do you think
they're too girlie?
Come on.
This is supposed
to be your thing--
picking the perfect tattoo.
What do I--
what do I need?
Nothing.
You're perfect.
All right.
Let's just go
with the daisies.
It's your ***.
And wherever the road
takes you,
always remember to celebrate
the little victories.
- Oh, my God.
Ricky.
- Yeah?
It's me, Megan.
We went out about a month ago.
And then my stupid phone
deleted your number.
I mean, you probably think
I was shining you on,
but I wasn't.
God, I can't believe
I ran into you.
I know.
It's great.
We should get together
some time.
You know what?
You're right.
We should.
Why don't we exchange numbers
so we don't have to worry
about any disappearing acts?
Great.
I'm so happy I ran
into you, Ricky.
It's Richard.
I go by Richard now.
Cool.
Richard.
Did you used to dj
in your pajamas?
I did.
It's all
about the journey, Annie.
Keep on truckin'.
[Cell phone rings]
Hey, Chloe.
I cannot believe
how you treated Matt.
He was hurt, Annie.
Oh.
Oh.
You know, I'm surprised
he wants to see you again.
- Yeah.
- But what you're gonna do
is you guys are gonna meet
for a brunch
because maybe you'll be
better behaved before noon
Oh oh oh oh whoa
so walk on by