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In our counseling center we meet with people who have very poor or limited understanding
of how to implement personal boundaries. This short video is going to give you an overview.
The discussion of boundaries is a very important and we see many people who as I say really
don't understand boundaries and how to implement them properly. There's a book out there by
Cloud and Townsend called "Boundaries". They certainly didn't invent the term but they
researched it and they had very good practical information on it. And that's the premise
for a lot of truth that we counsel people on. It's basically a book on when to say
yes and when to say no and how to take control of your life. A life without boundaries in
a life in trouble because people are getting overrun.
Basically a boundary is our personal property line. Think of it like a fence that you might
have in your yard around your property that keeps people in if you like, pets in. and
it also keeps people out and that's how it is with boundaries. We need personal boundaries
in our own life. Basically it's an issue of what you responsible for. You can set your
own boundaries you cannot set other peoples boundaries. It's important to get control
over your own thoughts decisions, actions and attitudes and it's important to understand
that boundaries are gates. They are for letting access in and out. They are not walls. They
are not fortresses in our lives. Types of boundaries. Words can be a boundary.
We can set things up through consequences and actions through other people. The word
of God is a very important boundary for Christians. It tells us what is true versus what we so
called facts in the world. Distance, time and emotional distance that we can keep with
people are all examples of boundaries. And there are others too but these are some of
the main ones. How do you know you have a boundary problem?
What are the indicators? People who have boundary problems have lives that are typically at
the mercy of others. They are saying yes to the wrong things. No to good things. Controlling
people overwhelm them. And they just feel overwhelmed and over run so many times. And
just out of control and truthfully also another aspect is some people just ignore they don't
ignore our bodies they just decide to set things up and people aren't respecting those
are indicators of boundary problems. What are some examples of boundaries? These
are verbal ones. If you have a family member that is talking badly about your husband or
your wife one of the boundary examples would be if you keep talking badly about my husband
I am going to hang up the phone, not see you again for two weeks or whatever it is. If
you don't give me more advance notice I am going to do whatever. Do not call me 10
times a day. I am available for a call at 10 am or I will call you back tonight at 7
pm. Those are examples of verbal boundaries. The key to implementing successful boundaries
is you need to set the boundary and the penalty and transgression of that boundary and also
enforce it. Boundaries without enforcement are typically just idle threats and people
will disregard those because there are no consequences. Whenever you get boundaries
set up and implement them you need to be consistent and persistent.
What are indicators that boundaries are starting to work? Many times there will be resentment
going forth towards you from the offended parties. Going to call you selfish or just
being an angry person. That's a good sign. You start feeling guilty. That's an indication
sometimes that your boundary is working as well. You want to take baby steps. Nos
and yes's. Baby decisions. And also what you'll find is you set boundaries in your
own life you're going to get a new appreciation for the boundaries of others. Over time the
guilt will disappear because you are getting control of your life back and you know what
you are doing is that right thing. Be able to progress to more significant no and yes
decisions into your life. Better goal setting and planning. And the bottom line is you are
in control of your own life. This is important boundaries are necessary.
They are not selfish. Necessarily easy to implement but as you persevere you will bear
good fruit. You are going to be more functional. You'll be more rested and you will be much
more in control of your own life. Next I certainly encourage you if you don't
already have it is to pick up the book. It's a very well written book. Read it and do it.
There are practical things there to implement and you should begin to implement boundaries.
Respect slow and steady progress. If you have had a lot of time without boundaries you got
to give yourself some grace to get some boundaries in place and start to see some fruit. Finally
don't be ashamed about it. If you need some professional help. Go to a counselor or a
Christian counselor who understands boundaries. We do it without clients. We do it locally
here in our local offices but we are also able to meet with you over the internet and
help you do that if you want so you can get more information at our website. We hope this
has been of interest to you and we would like to thank you for watching.