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From 1941 when amoeba became the first single celled organism to play
professional baseball to 1794 when Thomas Jefferson more than likely did something
historically significant - The Onion looks back at This Week in History.
On May 22nd 1992 beloved talk show host Johnny Carson ended his 30-year run of
hosting the Tonight Show with a farewell episode that included special guests
Saddam Hussein, *** Grand Wizard Virgil Lee Griffin, and a musical performance by
the Flag Shooters.
On May 25th 1925 Tennessee teacher John T. Scopes was formally indicted for teaching
the Theory of Evolution in a public school after a monkey called to the stand failed
to turn into a human.
Sir, you have been on the witness stand for a full three hours now and in this
time we haven't seen you loose any of your hair or shed your tail.
Can you at least articulate a single justifiable reason why Mister Darwin's
theory should even be mentioned in our nation's classrooms?
The prosecution rests its case.
On May 24th 1883 the Brooklyn Bridge opened, providing New Yorkers with a more
efficient way of killing themselves and escaping their trash-ridden,
excrement-caked city.
The monument's historic opening was marked by hundreds of people jumping 275
feet to their deaths in order to avoid waking up every morning with the smell of
horse *** filling their nostrils.
Before the Brooklyn Bridge there were very few ways for New Yorkers to free
themselves from the zest pool in which they lived.
One method was to tie a cinder box on their legs and walk into the Hudson River
but of course the banks of the Hudson were so brimming with garbage and raw sewage
that the putrid stench would drive back event he most desperate suicide seeker.
I should apologize if I seem a little distracted.
I found out last night that my colleague, Professor Eric Kaufman, won
a Distinguished Professor Award.
I don't know why they love him so much.
I know that I'm not as charismatic or as good-looking as he is but when it comes to
scholarship, actual scholarship - anyway
when I heard about it something came over me but I went to his house last night,
we talked about it and I have to say I feel better.
In fact, I feel almost nothing except a sense of peace and calm.
And on May 27th 1995 actor Christopher Reeve came in last place in a horseback
riding event.
And that was what happened This Week in History.
In the words of Adolf Hitler "I hope history is doomed to repeat itself because
I very much enjoy the part where millions and millions of Jews die."