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Hello.
Just to let you all know, this vlog was really tough to do because it is a painful process,
a very emotional one that I’ve been constantly experiencing over the past year.
Now I feel it is time to get the truth out.
[Male] abusers are not really rejected by their communities;
abusers tend to be well-known, highly-respected people in their communities
and are seen as intelligent, charismatic, and so on.
So how can women who have experienced oppression and/or abuse by these men
disclose their experiences without suffering severe backlash?
How do they do this without the community looking down on them, doubting them, suppressing them?
These women’s reputations could be destroyed, and I am putting myself at risk by making this vlog.
I am at risk of receiving attacks, but I strongly feel that we have given that abuser
many, many chances for dialogue, for unpacking, to recognize his wrongdoings-
and he has and continues to refuse to take on those opportunities.
So what are we supposed to do?
Are we supposed to just smile, stay quiet as this abuser goes on to become an “anti-sexist”?
I CAN’T. The truth must come out.
I want to include a disclaimer: I am sorry if I seem angry or emotional—
this is very raw for me, so please listen to my message,
and please do not let my emotions and my anger cloud the message of what I am trying to convey.
When a person demonstrated abusive, sexist, oppressive behaviors towards women, and is ready to unpack and own up,
it is his responsibility to reach out to those who he has hurt,
apologize to them, acknowledge how his actions have affected people,
and find ways to support the woman’s healing process which may include respecting her desire to maintain safe space.
Go through the genuine process of unpacking and owning up.
It is not the responsibility of the oppressed to reach out to their oppressors, to educate them, to plead for an apology, and to beg them to respect their space.
That is NOT our job.
BUT when the oppressed does this, the oppressor – the sexist- should be GRATEFUL
because the oppressed is willing to guide them through their process,
even though the oppressed is the one who is hurting by the abuses.
They should be so grateful for this. But of course, this does not happen.
Now I will give you a few examples of the very sexist behaviors that this person has not owned up to yet.
I will not provide specific details, just summaries.
There are many, many more examples, but I won’t go into full details as to respect
the women who experienced those incidents; they will share when they are ready.
Other women and I have repeatedly seen this person make overt and disgusting sexist comments.
This person was not making these comments as a part of an unpacking process- he was deliberately, shamelessly saying those comments.
For example, he used sexist language such as
"I look at women at sex objects. Yup. Nothing wrong with that”
” or "I’m only attracted to thin women- fat women disgust me, GROSS"
or "I think about sex every time I look at women, of course! All women are potential *** partners to me"
and has been in agreement with other men when talking about women as “skanks”
and how he has “no respect for skanky women.”
When some women told him that those comments weren’t appropriate and were sexist,
he FLIPPED OUT, became MAD.
One time he became so mad that he raised his fist towards a woman.
That was NOT comfortable for those of us who had to witness that, that was NOT safe for us.
And he made it about HIM, by saying “you all are attacking me! You are doing this on purpose!” and defending himself.
Many of us –including me—have witnessed awful comments from him and have felt so unsafe around him.
Many other women have had situations where they went to parties or events
where he would cross the line with women by touching their bodies even after explicit no and rejections.
When women said no, he got furious and called women names.
When a woman told him she did not feel comfortable, and wanted to talk to him about what happened,
he said “you self-centered ***!” and continue to yell at her, belittling her.
This is a pattern in his sexist, abusive, and oppressive behaviors.
And has he owned up? Nope.
This person was also involved in the making of the Gallaudet Film,
and approached different Deaf Women of Color saying he wanted a sexy, voluptuous, hot Latina woman filmed for the movie.
So he has made racist, sexist, and objectifying comments about women of color
, causing them to feel uncomfortable, so they ended up not being part of the video.
So he marginalized these women even more.
Other women of color also felt his comments about their skin color and body types were inappropriate and refused to be a part of the film.
And has he owned up? Nope.
One woman is severely triggered every time she sees him, and he is aware of this.
When she saw him at an event she planned herself, she was extremely upset but decided to do nothing at the moment.
She emailed him privately after the event to ask him if he could please respect her space
by not attending the events she organizes because the sight of him is too triggering for her.
After getting her email, he forwarded the email to her boss and used language to retain his power and control over her.
He asserted that he would continue to go to the events, despite her plea.
He never directly responded to that woman’s email.
And has he owned up? Nope.
Two male allies were aware of his sexist comments and behaviors and felt uncomfortable around him too.
The two male allies were planning on going on a rafting trip until they found out the same man would be a guide on this trip.
They felt uncomfortable with the idea of spending one week with this man.
Both male allies notified the company about their discomfort with this man
and their knowledge of how this man treats women.
They requested that the man step down as a guide on the trip.
Their request was met with an instant “no,” not even with any concerns about his wrongdoings.
He has not reached out to those two male allies.
So these two male allies had no choice but to each lose a $1,000 deposit on the trip.
And has he owned up? Nope.
I took 40-hour SV/DV training with him, with a group that was mostly women and one other man.
During that training, he made many inappropriate and sexist comments.
He was not mindful of his privileges at all.
One woman burst into tears because of his comments and felt the comments were not appropriate and not respectful.
Because of that experience, many of us felt that the training should never again have men included in the SV/DV training.
All because of THAT experience with him. And has he owned up? Nope.
One social justice organization sent a letter to his organization
asking why they allow a person who has oppressed so many women to lead their organization.
His organization never responded. He is obviously not interested in doing the work.
I also want to go to a Walk for ASL- I think the effort is a great idea!
I want so much to support the effort- BUT…
I can’t go knowing that so many women do not feel comfortable going to this event, who do not feel safe going, who feel marginalized, all because of him.
I just cannot go to this event.
It’s not fair. It’s not fair.
Over the past year, more and more situations are coming up, more and more people are sharing their experiences…
And it is heartbreaking.
He is in a position of power and gets so much recognition and admiration from people.
We do not know what to do.
More and more stories surface, all of them with the same pattern—
his behavior, his responses, his comments, his lack of respecting physical boundaries, his condescending attitudes—
all the same patterns, over and over again.
And there are MANY more that have not yet been shared.
And has he owned up? Nope.
Yes—he has already made two vlogs about anti-sexism.
Is that unpacking sexism? Is that really a process of owning up? No.
In my opinion, it’s all about getting attention for himself, of him saying “I’m a GOOD guy, I’m an anti-sexist!”
But really—he has not contacted or been in contact with the people who he has hurt, who he has oppressed,
who he has belittled, who he has made feel unsafe- he has not contacted one person.
So has he really analyzed, reflected, and unpacked what he has done wrong?
Has he started dialogues with those he has hurt?
No.
To all of you, he is a good guy, pointing out all the sexist behavior in other men,
talking about how he wants to stop such behavior, that he’ll stop that behavior…
But it is not okay.
You cannot pick and choose what you think you should own up to.
If you own up to some things, and then refuse to own up to other oppressive, hurtful actions,
that is not okay.
How do you think other women feel when they see those vlogs of him talking about becoming an anti-sexist,
gaining all kinds of recognition and admiration, when he hasn’t even talked with those
who he has hurt, oppressed, marginalized, or made feel uncomfortable and unsafe?
How are we supposed to feel? How?
I want you all to really challenge him, ask him
‘have you truly, genuinely unpacked? Or are you still maintaining your position of power and your privileges?
Do you just have a front of a ‘good guy’?
Are you willing to recognize the women who you have hurt and marginalized
marginalize and apologize and DO THE WORK?’
Do the work - the painful process of recognizing what you have done, analyzing your actions—
Do the work. Has he done this yet? Is he willing? Who knows?
I want you all to really think about this. Really think.
And please always support the women who are survivors,
those who experienced oppression and mental, physical, ***, verbal abuse.
All the forms of abuse they experienced are all equally serious and valid.
We must stop this.
Thank you.