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ACT I
PROLOGUE: BALTIMORE, JUNE 1962
TRACY
Oh, oh, oh
Woke up today
Feeling the way I always do
Oh, oh, oh
Hungry for something
That I can't eat
Then I hear that beat
The rhythm of town
Starts calling me down
It's like a message from
High above
Oh, oh, oh
Pulling me out
To the smiles and the
Streets that I love
TRACY (& ENSEMBLE)
Good morning Baltimore
Every day's like an open door
Every night is a fantasy
Every sound's like a symphony
Good morning Baltimore
And some day when I take to the floor
The world's gonna wake up and see
Baltimore and me
Oh, oh, oh
Look at my hair
What "do" can compare with mine today?
Oh, oh, oh,
I've got my hairspray and radio
I'm ready to go
The rats on the street
All dance round my feet
They seem to say
Tracy, it's up to you
So, oh, oh
Don't hold me back
'Cause today all my dreams will come true
Good morning Baltimore
There's the flasher who lives next door
There's the bum on his bar room stool
They wish me luck on my way to school
Good morning Baltimore
And some day when I take to the floor
The world's gonna wake up and see
Baltimore and me
I know every step
I know every song
I know there's a place where I belong
I see all those party lights shining ahead
So someone invite me
Before I drop dead!
ENSEMBLE
Before she drops dead!
TRACY (& ENSEMBLE)
So, Oh, Oh
Give me a chance
'Cause when I start to dance i'm a movie star
Oh, oh, oh
Something inside of me makes me move
When I hear the groove
My ma tells me no
But my feet tell me go!
It's like a drummer inside my heart
Oh, oh, oh
Don't make me wait
One more moment for my life to start...
ENSEMBLE
Good morning, good morning
Waiting for my life to start
TRACY (& ENSEMBLE)
I love you Baltimore
Every day's like an open door
Every night is a fantasy
Every sound's like a symphony
And I promise Baltimore
That some day when
I take to the floor
The world's gonna wake up and see
Gonna wake up and see
Baltimore and me...
ENSEMBLE
Yes, More Or Less We All Agree
TRACY
Baltimore and me...
ENSEMBLE
Someday the world
Is gonna see
TRACY
Baltimore and me!
SCENE 1: TV STATION / TRACYТ‘S
CORNY
Hey there, Teenage Baltimore!
Don't change that channel!
'Cause it's time for the Corny
Collins Show! Brought to you by
Ultra Clutch Hairspray!
CORNY (& COUNCIL MEMBERS)
Ev'ry afternoon
When the clock strikes four
(bop-bee-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bee-ba)
A crazy bunch of kids
Crash through that door
(bop-bee-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bee-ba)
They throw off their coats
And leave the squares behind
And then they shake it, shake it, shake it
Like they're losing their mind
You'll never see them frown
'Cause they're the nicest kids in town
Every afternoon
You turn your T.V. on
(na, na, na, na, na, na-na-na-na)
And we know you turn the sound up
When your parents are gone, yeah
(na, na, na, na, na, na-na-na-na)
And then you twist and shout
For your favorite star
And once you've practiced every step
That's in your repertoire
You better come on down
And meet the nicest kids in town
(Running from school to TracyТ‘s house)
TRACY
Hurry Penny, hurry, the showТ‘s already started! WeТ‘re gonna miss it!
PENNY
IТ‘m hurrying, Tracy, but my mother says IТ‘m not allowed to perspire!
TRACY
CТ‘mon!
(Back at TracyТ‘s house. Edna and Prudy are talking.)
PRUDY
Edna, is my laundry ready?
EDNA
Who wants to know? Sure is hon. Come on up. That will be three dollars.
PRUDY
ThatТ‘s pretty pricely for a few pairs of pettipants.
EDNA
IТ‘m sorry, Prudy Pingleton, but there were some extra charges. Some of your personal stains required pounding on a rock.
(Tracy and Penny enter).
TRACY
IТ‘m home!
EDNA
Four oТ‘clock. Guess I donТ‘t need to ask who got detention again. Tracy Turnblad, mind your manners and say hello to our guest.
TRACY
Hello, Mrs. Pingleton.
EDNA
And you, Penny?
PENNY
Hello Mrs. Pingleton... I mean... mother.
EDNA
Teenagers. They just love watching that Corny Collins.
PRUDY
Delinquents. It ainТ‘t right dancing to that colored music.
EDNA
DonТ‘t be silly, it ainТ‘t colored, the TVТ‘s black and white.
(Prudy exits shaking her head in disapproval).
PRUDY
Penny Pingleton, come back before I kill your grandmother, yesterday it was almost too late...
PENNY
Yes mother, just keep away from the knives this time...
PRUDY
Yeah yeah... and remember... you keep away from any kind of race expresion...
PENNY
Yes Mom.
CORNY
Nice white kids
Who like to lead the way
And once a month
We have our "*** day!"
And i'm the man who keeps it spinnin' round
Mr. Corny Collins
With the latest, greatest Baltimore sound!!
So every afternoon
Drop everything
(bop-bee-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bee-ba)
Who needs to read and write
When you can dance and sing?
(bop-bee-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bee-ba)
Forget about your algebra
And calculus
You can always do your homework
On the morning bus
Can't tell a verb from a noun
They're the nicest kids in town
Roll Call!!
COUNCIL MEMBERS
I'm Amber!
Brad!
Tammy!
Fender!
Brenda!
Sketchy!
Shelley!
I.Q.
Lou Ann!
And I'm...LINK!
(All of the girls scream.)
TRACY
Oh Link! Kiss me again and again!
EDNA
Turn that racket down. IТ‘m trying to iron in here.
CORNY (& COUNCIL MEMBERS)
So, if every night you're shaking
As you lie in bed
(mony-mony, ooh, mony-mony)
And the bass and drums
Are pounding in your head
(mony-mony, ooh, mony-mony)
Who cares about sleep
When you can snooze in
School?
They'll never get to college
But they sure look cool
Don't need a cap and a gown
'Cause they're the nicest
Kids in town
They're the nicest. Nicest
They're the nicest, nicest
They're the sugar 'n' spicest,
The nicest kids in...
Kids in town!
CORNY
And that was our new dance of the week, the “stricken chicken”. Weґll be right back.
(Lights shift in the TV studio).
VELMA
And weТ‘re off! All right, people, how many times do I have to tell you? We do not pick our noses, while on camera. And Tammy that thing is horrible, lose it. You too, Fender.
(The kids sadly turn away to remove their padding).
And Link, stop hogging the camera; youТ‘re not Elvis yet. Amber... hog the camera.
AMBER
Yes, mother.
VELMA
And you, Mr Collins! None of that Detroit sound today. You have something against good music?
CORNY
The kids are just over the moon for rhythm and blues, Velma. They canТ‘t get enough.
VELMA
TheyТ‘re kids, Corny. ThatТ‘s why we have to steer them in the white direction... I mean... you know what I mean.
LINK
Amber, IТ‘ve got something for you. (Offers his ring). I figured, since weТ‘ve been going together sort of... steadily... maybe we should make it official.
AMBER
Oh, Link. Your Council Member ring. How sweet. And it matches my hair color exactly!
VELMA
Ah, ah, ah! None of that! Save your personal lives for the camera! And weТ‘re back in five, four, three...
CORNY
Now donТ‘t forget, guys and Gidgets, our very first prime time spectacular is coming up on June 6th . WeТ‘ll be live at BaltimoreТ‘s brand new Eventorium broadcasting nationwide!
Talent scouts will arrive from all of the major record labels, and sponsoring the event will be none other than our Ultra Clutch Hairspray. So, letТ‘s give a great big fawning Baltimore salute to the President of Ultra Clutch, Mr. Spritzer.
SPRITZER
Ultra clutch is happy to bring you fine youngsters to national attention.
ALL
Our big break!
CORNY
Also live on the special, weТ‘ll be crowning your choice for Miss Teenage Hairspary 1962!
AMBER
My big break!
(Back at Tracy’s)
EDNA
Well, isnТ‘t she a lovely slim girl.
TRACY
I guess AmberТ‘s pretty but she canТ‘t dance.
PENNY
Plastic little spastic.
TRACY
Oh no! IТ‘m gonna kill myself. Look! SheТ‘s wearing LinkТ‘s council ring!
AMBER (Reading from a cue card)
Hey, gang, donТ‘t forget to watch Mom and me next Thursday on Mother-Daughter Day. And I want to be your Miss Teenage Hairspray. Remember, a vote for me from you is a vote for me.
CORNY
What an unexpected ad lib., Amber. And speaking of expecting the unexpected, our own fun loving, freewheeling Brenda will be taking a leave of absence from the show. How long will you be gone Brenda?
BRENDA
Nine months.
CORNY
So, it seems weТ‘ll have an opening for a girl who is just as fun loving, but maybe not quite as freewheeling. Wanna be one of the nicest kids in town? Cut school tomorrow and come on down to station WZZT to audition!
TRACY
Ohmigod! ItТ‘s the drean of a lifetime. I have to go audition.
PENNY
Ohmigod! ItТ‘s the dream of a lifetime. I have to go watch you audition.
EDNA (turning off the TV)
ThatТ‘ll be enough of that for one day. No one is auditioning for anything. ThereТ‘ll be no cutting school in this house.
PENNY
But Mrs. Turnblad...
EDNA
Penny, go tell your mother she wants you.
PENNY
She does? I better hurry. Bye Mrs. Turnblad, bye Tracy.
(Penny bumps Wilbur as he enters).
WILBUR
Whoa! Rush hour traffic! Hiya ladies. Since I got that new shipment of exploding bubble gum, business downstairs is booming! How are my two funny honeys?
EDNA
Oh, stop Wilbur. YouТ‘re the funny one.
TRACY
Daddy, tomorrow IТ‘m auditioning to dance on a TV show.
EDNA
YouТ‘re going to have to go further than that to get around me, young lady. No oneТ‘s auditioning for anything. And what did I tell you about that hair? All ratted up like a teenaged Jezebel.
TRACY
Mother, you are so fifties. Even our first lady, Jackie B. Kennedy rats her hair.
EDNA
Yeah? Well, you ainТ‘t no first lady, are ya? SheТ‘s a hair hopper, thatТ‘s what got her put in detention again. (Taking Wilbur aside). Wilbur, talk to her- Girls like Tracy... people like us... you know what IТ‘m saying. They donТ‘t put people like us on TV, except to be laughed at.
WILBUR
Tracy, this TV thing... you really want it?
TRACY
ItТ‘s my dream, Daddy.
WILBUR
Then you go for it! This is America, babe. You gotta think big to be big.
EDNA
Being big is not the problem Wilbur.
WILBUR
When I was oyur age my parents begged me to run away with the circus, but I said, “No, thatґs what you want. I have dreams of my own”. I dreamt of opening a chain of joke shops worldwide. So, okay, Iґve still got only one, but someday, if I can figure out how to keep the air from leaking out of my sofa sized Whoopee Cushion, Iґm going to make a noise heard round the world!
(Edna screams with delight)
You follow your dream, baby. IТ‘m grabinТ‘an orange crush and heading back to the shop... I got my dream and I wuv it!
EDNA
YouТ‘re not helping Wilbur!
TRACY
Thanks Daddy.
EDNA
Tracy, come back up here. IТ‘ve got hampers of laundry ans my diet pill is wearing off.
TRACY
But Mamma I want to be famous.
EDNA
You want to be famous? Learn how to get blood out of a car upholstery. Now thatТ‘s a skill you could take right to the bank. You think I wanted to spend my life washing and ironing other peopleТ‘s clothing? No, I wanted to design them. I thought I would be the biggest thing in brassieres. Well, you deal with what life gives you. Now start folding.
TRACY
Ugh.
SCENE 2: PENNYТ‘S / TRACYТ‘S / AMBERТ‘S
(At Penny and PrudyТ‘s House).
PENNY
But Mom, all I was doing was watching Corny Collins over at TracyТ‘s.
PRUDY
DidnТ‘t I forbid you from listening to race music? Oh, if the police ever locate your father heТ‘ll punish you good.
(At Amber and VelmaТ‘s House).
VELMA
Your dancing was atrocious yoday, Amber. IТ‘m willing to lie, cheat, and steal to win you that Miss Hairspray crown, but youТ‘ve got to work with me. Now let me at that zit!
(At TracyТ‘s House).
EDNA
Stop! Thatґs no way to treat clean clothes. One day youґll own “Ednaґs Ocidental Laundry” Will you be ready?
TRACY
I hope not.
PRUDY
Don't contradict me!
VELMA
Don't disobey me!
EDNA
Don't even think about going to
that audition.
TRACY, PENNY & AMBER
Please!
MOMS
No!
3 GIRLS
Mother!!!!
MOMS
Stop!
PENNY
Stop telling me what to do
MOMS
Don't!
AMBER
Don't treat me like a child of two
MOMS
No!
TRACY
I know that you want what's best
MOMS
Please!
TRACY
But mother, please,
GIRLS
Give it a rest!!!
ALL
Stop! Don't! No! Please!
Stop! Don't! No! Please!
Stop! Don't! No! Please!
Mama. I'm a big girl now!
TRACY
Once upon a time when I was just a kid
You never let me do iust what the older kids did
But lose that laundry list of what you won't allow
GIRLS
'Cause mama, i'm a big girl now
AMBER
Once upon a time I used to play with toys
But now i'd rather play around with teenage boys
So, if I get a hickey, please don't have a cow
GIRLS
'Cause mama, i'm a big girl now
PENNY
Ma, I gotta tell you that without a doubt
I get my best dancing lessons from you
You're the one who taught me how to "twist and shout"
Because you shout non-stop
And you're so twisted too!
Wo -oh -oh -oh -oh
TRACY
Once I used to fidget
'Cause I just sat home
AMBER
But now i'm just like gidget
And I gotta get to rome!
PENNY
So say, arrivederci!
TRACY
Toodle-loo!
AMBER
And ciao!
GIRLS
'Cause mama, i'm a big girl now
ALL
Stop! Don't! No! Please!
Stop! Don't! No! Please!
Stop! Don't! No! Please!
GIRLS
Mama, i'm a big girl now
(hey mama, say mama)
TRACY
Once upon a time I was a shy young thing
Could barely walk and talk so much as dance and sing
But let me hit that stage, I wanna take my bow
GIRLS
'Cause mama, i'm a big girl now
AMBER
Wo - oh - oh - oh - oh
Once upon a time I used to dress up 'ken'
But now that i'm a woman, I like bigger men
And I don't need a barbie doll to show me how
GIRLS
'Cause mama, i'm a big girl now
GIRLS
Ma, you always taught me
What was right from wrong
And now I iust wanna give it a try
Mama, i've been in the nest for far too long
So please give a push and mama watch me fly
AMBER
Watch me fly
GIRLS
Hey, mama, say mama
PENNY
Someday I will meet a man
You won't condemn
AMBER
And we will have some kids
And you can torture them
TRACY
But let me be a star
Before I take that vow
GIRLS
'Cause mama, i'm a big girl now
PENNY
Oh - Oh - Oh
GIRLS
Mama, i'm a big girl now
AMBER
Hey - Hey - Hey
GIRLS
Mama, i'm a big girl
AMBER
Ooh, such a big, big girl!
GIRLS
I'm a big girl now
ALL
Stop! Don't! No! Please!
Stop! Don't! No! Please!
Stop! Don't! N01 please!
GIRLS
Mama, i'm a big girl now!!!
SCENE 3: THE AUDITION
LOU ANN
ThatТ‘s it Mrs. Von Tussle. She was the last candidate.
VELMA
Really? ThatТ‘s all? Who would Т‘ve guessed that Baltimore girls were all so horrible? My, how this town has gone downhill since I was crowned Miss Baltimore Crabs.
(Tracy & Penny enter, running, out of breath).
TAMMY
Oh wait Mrs. Von Tussle, it seems we have another downhill girl to audition.
TRACY
Phew! I thought weТ‘d never get here. Stupid bus crash!
PENNY
All my life I imagined what this place would look like. This isnТ‘t it.
TRACY
Hi there. Am I too late to audition?
VELMA
Not too late, dear. Just too much
PENNY
Tracy! Look, itТ‘s Link!
TRACY
Link Larkin. So near, and yet so gorgeous.
LINK (heТ‘s talking to Fender)
I know, those girls were all over me. I donґt know how Rock Hudson stands it. (He walks right into Tracy). Excuse me, little darling, I hipe I didnґt mess your �do.
(Everyone freezes except Tracy and Penny).
TRACY
I can hear the bells
PENNY
Tracy, are you all right?
TRACY
Well, don'tcha hear them chime?
PENNY
I don't hear anything.
TRACY
Can't 'cha feel my heartbeat keeping perfect time?
And all because he...
Touched me
He looked at me and stared, yes he
Bumped me
My heart was unprepared when he
Tapped me
And knocked me off my feet
One little touch
Now my life's complete 'cause when he
Nudged me
Love put me in a fix, yes it
Hit me
Just like a ton of bricks, yes my
Heart burst
Now I know what life's about
One little touch
And love's knocked me out and,
TRACY (& ENSEMBLE)
I can hear the bells
My head is spinning
I can hear the bells
Something's beginning
Everybody says
That a girl who looks like me
Can't win his love
Well, just wait and see 'cause
I can hear the bells
Just hear them chiming
I can hear the bells
My temp'rature's climbing
I cant contain my joy
'Cause I fin'ly found the boy
I've been missin'
Listen!
I can hear the bells
Round one
He'll ask me on a date and then
Round two
I'll primp, but won't late because
Round three's
When we kiss inside his car
Won't go all the way
But i'll go pretty far!
And then,
Round four
He'll ask me for my hand and then
Round five
We'll book the wedding band so by
Round six
Amber, much to your surprise
This heavyweight champion
Takes the prize and...
I can hear the bells
My ears are ringing
I can hear the bells
The bridesmaids are singing
Everybody says
Thet a guy who's such a gem
Won't look my way
Well, the laugh's on them 'cause
I can hear the bells
My father will smile
I can hear the bells
As he walks me down the aisle
My mother starts to cry
But I can't see 'cause Link and I
Are french kissin'
Listen!
I can hear the bells
I can hear the bells
My head is reeling
I can hear the bells
I can't stop the pealing
Everybody warns
That he won't like what he'll see
But I know that he'll look
Inside of me yeah,
I can hear the bells
Today's just the start 'cause
I can hear the bells
And 'til death do us part
And even when we die
We'll look down from up above
Remembering the night
That we two fell in love
We both will share a tear
And he'll whisper as we're reminiscin'
Listen!
I can hear the bells
ENSEMBLE
She can hear the bells
TRACY
I can hear the bells
ENSEMBLE
She can hear the bells
TRACY
I can hear the bells
ENSEMBLE
***, ***, ***, ***!
AMBER
And what are you doing here?
TRACY
I came to audition for Corny. My name is Tracy Turnblad. And, like you, I go to Patterson Park High...
SHELLEY
Yes, IТ‘ve seen you.
AMBER
Who could miss her? ArenТ‘t you usually in detention about now?
TRACY
I cut school to come down here. IsnТ‘t that too cool? IТ‘m a little nervous, can I start over. I assure youТ‘ll calm down, right after I have a heart attack!
TRACY
Well, I brought my own '45s,' so if you put 'em on, I'll show you my stuff!
LOU ANN
Haven't you already shown us enough?
{The Council Girls snicker.)
VELMA
Oh my god
How times have changed
This girl's either blind
Or completely deranged
Ah, but time seemed to halt
When I was "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
TRACY
ItТ‘s been my childhood dream to dance on this show!
AMBER
Well, maybe you oughta go back to sleep!
Childhood dreams
For me were cracked
When that damn shirley temple
Stole my frickin' act
But the crown's in the vault
From when I won "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
Those poor runner-ups
Might still hold some grudges
They padded their 'cups'
But I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they'd win
If a plate they would spin in their dance
Not a chance!
Cause I hit the stage
Batons ablaze
While belting high 'c's
And preparing souffles!
But that triple somersault
Was how I clinched "Miss Baltimore Crabs"!
VELMA
Proceed...
TAMMY
Are you scared we're on live?
TRACY
No, I'm sure I can cope!
AMBER
Well, this show isn't broadcast
in...
COUNCIL GIRLS
...Cinemascope!
VELMA
I never drank one chocolate malt
No, no desserts for "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
SHELLEY
How many sweaters do you own?
TRACY
Well, I'm sure I've got plenty
Let's see, I have three...five?...
Wait, I have twenty!!
VELMA
I would say 'oy gevalt'
If I wasn't "Miss Baltimore Crabs"!
A tycoon I wed
So cuddly and funny
The old fart dropped dead
But left tons of money
So I bought this station
VELMA & COUNCIL GIRLS
So all of the nation
Could see
VELMA
Baby amber and me!
AMBER
Do you dance like you dress?
LINK
Amber, there's no need to be cruel!
VELMA
Would you swim in an integrated pool?
(The Council Members gasp.)
TRACY
I sure would. I'm all for
integration, it's The New
Frontier!
VELMA
Not in Baltimore it isn't! And may I be frank?
First impressions can be tough
And when I saw you, I knew it
If your size weren't enough
Your last answer just blew it!
And so, my dear, so short and stout
You'll never be "in"
VELMA & COUNCIL GIRLS
So we're kicking you out!
VELMA
You can't get past me kid
But it isn't your fault
VELMA & COUNCIL MEMBERS
It's hard to get rid of "Miss Baltimore...
VELMA
...Crabs!"
You may go.
TRACY
Um... thank you?
PENNY
Gee Tracy, that went well!
(Lorraine comes in).
LORRAINE
Hello Ma'am, may I please
audition?
VELMA
No, but you can bow and exalt!
'Cause I was "Miss Baltimore...
VELMA & THE COUNCIL MEMBERS
...Crabs"!
Crabs, Crabs!!!
SCENE 4: DETENTION
TRACY
Why do they have to be so mean? Will they give me a chance? Encouragement? Appreciation? No, all I ever hear is...
PRINCIPAL
Tracy Turnblad, once again your monumental hair do has seriously obstructed everyoneТ‘s view of the blackboard. As Principal of Patterson Park High, I condemn you to three more days of detention!
TRACY
Detention! Is there no pity for a teen just trying to fit in?
SEAWEED
Maybe you shouldnТ‘t try so hard?
TRACY
Excuse me. You get detention just about every time I do, and IТ‘ve never seen you complain.
SEAWEED
ItТ‘s how I use my blues.
DUANE
Use them blues honey! You gotta use them to lose them.
TRACY
Hey, that moveТ‘s swift.
SEAWEED
The man can dine me on a diet of detention so long as he donТ‘t starve me of my tunes.
HereТ‘s a little something that says: Hello, my name is Seaweed...
TRACY
ThatТ‘s unbelievable. Can I do that?
SEAWEED
I donТ‘t know... can you?
TRACY
Hello, my name is Tracy Turnblad.
STOOIE
Hey! Not bad for a white girl.
SEAWEED
AinТ‘t no black and white here... detention is a rainbow experience.
TRACY
Oh! WhatТ‘s that step?
SEAWEED
Oh this? I call it “the hottie”... I use it to attract the opposite sex... Good girl! You almost have it!
TRACY
Oh my God! IТ‘ve just realized who you are. IТ‘ve seen you dance on *** Day.
LORRAINE
Of course you have... his mom hosts the show!
TRACY
Your Mom is Motormouth Maybelle, the DJ? That makes you like... royalty! *** day is the best! I wish every day was *** day.
SEAWEED
At our house it is.
TRACY
Wait! Corny Collins is hosting an important Dance tomorrow night, maybe if he saw me dancing like this with you heТ‘d put me on his show...
SEAWEED
Cool!
LORRAINE
ThatТ‘could work...
STOOIE & DUANE
Yeaah! You can do it girl!
SEAWEED
So how do you feel about detention now?
TRACY
IТ‘m a bad, bad girl who needs to be punished!
(They all begin to dance)
PRINCIPAL
Smiling, laughing and dancing in detention? Tracy Turnblad! IТ‘m putting you in Special Ed.
TRACY
Special Ed? What do you do in special Ed?
STOOIE
Musicals!
ALL
Wah-hoo!!!
SCENE 5: THE MADISON DANCE
CORNY
Hey there you young dancers! IТ‘m honored to be your guest DJ here at PHP ... So with no further ado-do, letТ‘s do do some dancing. ItТ‘s the hottest dance arround and it was born right here in Baltimore! WhatТ‘s it called kids!
STUDENTS
The Madison Dance!
CORNY
And where did you see it first?
STUDENTS
The Corny Collins Show!
CORNY
ItТ‘s Madison time! Go!
(The music starts. They all start dancing)
TRACY
Hurry Seaweed! The dance has already started!
SEAWEED
All right but remember, you gotta dance with your crowd ans I gotta dance with mine.
TRACY
O look! ItТ‘s the Madison, my favourite!
SEAWEED
You keep your eye on Corny. This could be your big chance!
TRACY
Then youТ‘d better keep an eye on me.
CORNY
Now when I say hit it! Show me a big bad Baltimore box... Hit it!
LORRAINE
Why do we always have to dance at the back?
SEAWEED
I donТ‘t know... itТ‘s just the way it is.
CORNY
When I say hit it, take it to the basket! Hit it! Amber, who is your friend... sheТ‘s like a breath of fresh mountain air!
AMBER
You got the mountain part right!
CORNY
Now when I say hit it, letТ‘s take a drive doen Druid Hill... Hit it!!
Hang a right... feed the monkey... heТ‘s in the back seat.
LINK
Hey little darling... havenТ‘t we met somewhere?
TRACY
Link Larkin actually spoke to me. IТ‘ll never wash this ear again!
(They continue dancing. Tracy is dancing near Corny)
TRACY
Hi Corny!
CORNY
Hey Cupcake! WhatТ‘s your name?
TRACY (as she does the “my name is” dance)
IТ‘m Tracy Turnblad.
CORNY
What else have you got hiding in those Buster Browns?
TRACY
Well... hereґs one I learnt in detention... itґs “the Hotties” step. I use it to attract the opposite sex.
SEAWEED
Hey hey hey! Check her out everybody!
(Tracy does the step, and everybody join in).
LINK
That girlТ‘s as free as the wind.
AMBER
Everybody stop liking her!
CORNY
All right everYbody, letТ‘s take it home! Crazy! And that, Baltimorians, is how we do the Madison!
Blackout.
SCENE 6: TRACY AT THE CORNY COLLINS SHOW / TRACYТ‘S HOME
CORNY
Hey there teenage Baltimore! YouТ‘re just in time for The Corny Collins Show!
TodayТ‘s jam-packed edition will include Limk Larkin singins a special request Top 40 hit: It takes Two. So let the Party begin!
(At TracyТ‘s Home)
PENNY
Hurry Miz Turnblad! Hurry, Mr. Turnblad! Come see whatТ‘s on TV.
WILBUR
Penny Pingleton, this better be important.
PENNY
It is!
EDNA
Oh no! DonТ‘t tell me your mother is on 8 oТ‘clock news... again. Last week she was claming there was an alien in her back yard.
PENNY
Oh no! I already put my grandmother inside the house. This is something else... come!
ALL
Roll Call!!
COUNCIL MEMBERS
I'm Amber!
Brad!
Tammy!
Fender!
Brenda!
Sketch!
Shelley!
I.Q.
Lou Ann!
And I'm... Tracy!
(All of the girls scream.)
CORNY
So, if every night you're shaking
As you lie in bed
WILBUR, EDNA & PENNY
Go Tracy! Go, go Tracy!
And the bass and drums
Are pounding in your head
Who cares about sleep
When you can snooze in School?
They'll never get to college
But they sure look cool
Don't need a cap and a gown
'Cause they're the nicest Kids in town
They're the nicest. Nicest
They're the nicest, nicest
They're the sugar 'n' spicest,
The nicest kids in...
Kids in town!
CORNY
Yeah! And that was our dance of the week: “The hottie”, introduced to you by our brand new Council Member, Miss Tracy Turnblad.
EDNA
Oh! My word! Tracy! Live in our own living room!
WILBUR
I think IТ‘ve seen her before.
PENNY
And sheТ‘s going to be a regular.
EDNA
Imagine, my little girl.. regular at last!
PENNY
Hi Tracy! ItТ‘s me Penny!
EDNA
She canТ‘t hear you.
(The phone rings and she answers it).
EDNA
Hello... yes, this is her childhood home... no IТ‘m not her father.
CORNY
So letТ‘s wave a wistful bye bye to Brenda... see you next year.
ALL
Awwwww...
CORNY
... and inaugurate the newest member of our council Tracy Turnblad! Cozy up to old Corny and tell is about yourself Trrrrace!
TRACY
Well, I go to Patterson Park High, I watch your show, and I do absolutely nothing else.
CORNY
And if you were president, what would your first official act be?
TRACY
Well, IТ‘d make everyday *** Day!
VELMA & SPRITZER
Whaaaaaat! (He runs off in terror, she follows him).
CORNY
So... what do you say kid! Looks like we might just have a hot new candidate for Miss Teenage Hairspray!
AMBER
No, she canґt be MissHairspray! Sheґs the “before” in the Metrecal diet ad, and Iґm the “after”... and afters always win!
CORNY
Amber... what a comedian! So, Tracy, how would you like Link Larkin to sing s song just for you?
AMBER
No! He canТ‘t because everyone knows that whenever he sings, heТ‘s singing to ME. HeТ‘s completely involved with ME... see?
CORNY
Right, so Tracy, tell us how would you like Link Larkin to sing s song just for you?
TRACY
Would I? Would I?
AMBER
You people are ignoring the laws of nature!
CORNY
Link Larkin, our own Elvis, will now sing to the equaly blooming Tracy Turnblad his version of this weekґs top 40 hit, “It takes two”.
AMBER
Mother!
CHOIR
???, ???, ???, ???, ???
???, ???, ???, ???
It takes two
???.???, ???, ???.???, ???
Doo doo, ***!
LINK
They say it's a man's world
Well, that cannot be denied
But what good's a man's world
Without a woman by your side
And so I will wait
Until that moment you decide
LINK & CHOIR
That i'm your man
And you're my girl
That i'm the sea
And you're the pearl
It takes two, baby,
It takes two
Doo doo - ***!
LINK
A king ain't a king
Without the pow'r behind the throne
A prince is a pauper. Babe,
Without a chick to call his own
So please, darling, choose me
I don't wanna rule alone
Tell me,
LINK & GUYS
I'm your king
And you're my queen
That no one else
Can come between
It takes two, baby,
It takes two
CHOIR
Don't you know
LINK
Lancelot had guinevere
Mrs. Claus has old st. Nick
Romeo had juliet
And liz, well, she has her ***
They say it takes two to tango
Well, that tango's child's play
So take me to the dance floor
And we'll twist the night away
Just like frankie avalon
Had his favorite mouseketeer
I dream of a lover, babe,
To say the things 1 long to hear
So come closer baby,
Oh and whisper in my ear
TRACY (in anything but a whisper)
Yeah!
LINK TRACY
That you're my girl I'm your girl
And i'm your boy You're my boy
That you're my pride You're my pride
And i'm your joy I'm your joy
That i'm the sand I'm the sand
And you're the tide You're the tide
I'll be the groom Be the groom
If you'll be my bride I'll be your bride
It takes two, baby, It takes two
It takes two It takes two
LINK
It takes two, baby
TRACY & LINK
It takes two
CHOIR
...Two - oo - ???!
SPRITZER
*** Day everyday? Thay chubby communist girl... I assure you. Controversy is not what Ultra Clutch wishes to promote.
CORNY
Negroes and chubby girls buy hairspray too, Mr. Spritzer.
SPRITZER
Mrs. Von Tussle, how do you plan to handle this?
VELMA
I plan to start by firing him!
CORNY
You canТ‘t fire Corny Collins from the Corny Colins Show.
VELMA
Why not? They do it all the time on Lassie!
CORNY
MR. Spritzer. To keep the audience you got to keep up with the times.
VELMA
This showТ‘s fine the way it is.
CORNY
Bringing Tracy on is just the beggining. IТ‘ve got terrific ideas for updating the show.
SPRITZER
IТ‘m getting one of my sick headaches. I need to lie down. (He leaves).
VELMA
So youТ‘ve got ideas, do you? And going behind my back to put this no-talent fattie on the show is one of them?
CORNY
Damn right Velma. ItТ‘s time we put kids on the show who look like kids who watch the show.
VELMA
Not while IТ‘m producing it.
CORNY
Maybe itТ‘s time to change that, too.
VELMA
Are you threatening me Collins?
CORNY
Aw! You know me Velma! On the other hand, I could always take the show to channel 11.
Blackout.
SCENE 7: TRACYТ‘S HOME - CITY
EDNA (tired from hours on the phone)
Yes. Thank you so much!... I’m sure Tracy appreciates your vote for Miss Teenage Hairspray. Yes! And she loves you too. Very much. Whoever you are. Goodbye! (The phone rings again). This is crazy. Hello? What am I wearing? A housecoat, scuffies and Supphose. What are you wearing? Hello? Hello?
TRACY (bursting in exitedly)
Mama did you see? Did you see me?
EDNA
Of course I did. It was on television. I had to. The phone’s been ringing like he was a telethon. To think, the fruit of my womb, a beloved TV icon.
TRACY
So you are not mad?
EDNA
Mad? How could I be mad? You’re famous! If you’d only told me you was going to get on the show, I never would have said you couldn’t. But sit... tell me, i fame all you thought it would be? Are you happy honey?
TRACY
Yes Mama, and I think I’m in love.
EDNA
I know. I’ve been following. But you and I are going to have a talk about boys. You can learn a lot from the mistakes of the women on soap-operas. (Phone rings). There it goes again.
TRACY
Hello? Yes... this is Tracy Turnblad. Hello Mr. Pinky.
EDNA
Mr. Pinky? THE Mr. Pinky? As in Mr. Pinky’s Quality Clothes for Quantity Girls?
TRACY
You want to hire me as your exclusive spokesgirl and fashion effigy? (to Edna) What’s an effigy? That’s very flattering, but I'm afraid all business must go through my agent... it would be our pleasure. We’ll be right over, Mr. Pinky. Goodbye! (She hangs up the phone).
EDNA
An agent! I don’t know any agents. How about a nice bail bondsman?
TRACY
Mother, put that thing down. I'm taking my new agent to Mr. Pinky’s Shop, and then out on the town.
EDNA
Who? Me Tracy Turnblad, fame has gone into your head and left you wacky. Hon... I’ll be right beside you, if that’s what you want, and together we can claw your way to the top. But can’t we do it over the phone? I haven’t been out of this appartment since... since... I’ve neer been out of this appartment!
TRACY
Hey mama hey mama,
Look around
Everybody's groovin' to a brand new sound
Hey mama hey mama,
Follow me
1 know something's in you
That you wanna set free
So let so, go, go of the past now
Say hello to the love in your heart
Yes, 1 know that the world's spinning fast now
You gotta get yourself a brand new start
TRACY, DYNAMITES & ENSEMBLE
Hey mama, welcome to the 60's
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh mama, welcome to the 60's
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Go mama, go, go, go!
DYNAMITES & ENSEMBLE
Welcome to the 60's
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
Hey mama
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Yeah, yeah, yeah
TRACY
Hey mama, hey mama,
Take my hand
EDNA
First let's make a pit stop
At the wiener stand
TRACY
Hey mama, hey mama,
Take a chance
EDNA
Oh Tracy, it's been years
Since someone asked me to dance
TRACY
So let go, so, go of the past now
Say hello to the light in your eyes
Yes, I know that the world's
Spinning fast now
But you gotta run the race
To win the prize
TRACY, DYNAMITES &, ENSEMBLE
Hey mama, welcome to the 60's
Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh mama, welcome to the 60's
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Go mama, go, go, go!
DYNAMITES & ENSEMBLE
Welcome to the 60's
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
Hey mama
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Yeah, yeah, yeah
(Tracy & Edna arrive at Mr. Pinky's Hefty Hideaway
as new fans besiege Tracy for photos and autographs.)
DYNAMITES
Welcome to the rhythm of a brand new day
TRACY
Take your old-fashioned fears
TRACY & DYNAMITES
And just throw them away
MR. PINKY'S STAFF
You should add some color and a fresh new "do"
DYNAMITES & ENSEMBLE
'Cause it's time for a star
Who looks just like you!
JUDINE
Dontcha let nobody
Try to steal your fun
'Cause a little touch of lipstick
Never hurt no one
KAMILAH
The future's got a million roads
For you to choose
But you'll walk a little taller
In some high-heel shoes
SHAYNA
And once you find the style
That makes you feel like you
Something fresh
Something new
DYNAMITES & ENSEMBLE
Step on out
Hear us shout
TRACY, DYNAMITES & ENSEMBLE
Mama, that's your cue!!!
ENSEMBLE
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
(Edna emerges from Mr. Pinky's Shop all brand new.)
EDNA
Hey Tracy, hey baby,
Look at me!
I'm the cutest chickie
That ya ever did see
Hey Tracy, hey baby,
Look at us
Where is there a team
That's half as fabulous?!
(Tracy takes her turn in "Mr. Pinky's".)
EDNA (& ENSEMBLE)
I let go, go. Go of the past now
Said hello to this red carpet ride
Yes I know that the world's spinning fast now
Tell lollabrigida to step aside!
EDNA & ENSEMBLE
Your mama's welcoming the 60's
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh
Oh your mama's welcoming the 60's
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Go, mama, go, go, go!
ENSEMBLE
Welcome to the 60's
Open the door
For the girl who has more,
She's a star...
Tracy, go, go, go!
ALL
Oh mama, welcome to the 60's
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh
Oh mama, welcome to the 60's
Oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh
Go mama. Go, go, go!
Hey mama welcome to the 60's
KAMILAH
Welcome to the "6", to the "0"
To the apostrophe "s"!
ALL
Hey mama welcome to the 60's
(JUDINE riffs.)