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♪
WE'VE BROKEN A LOT OF NEW GROUND OVER THE YEARS
AND MADE A LOT OF TELEVISION EXECUTIVES UNCOMFORTABLE.
LIVING UP TO THAT PARENTAL ADVISORY
AT THE BEGINNING OF EACH ACT HAS BEEN CHALLENGING,
BUT WE'VE ALWAYS TRIED HARD TO DELIVER.
ANTISOCIAL MUSIC,
THE HOT, SWEATY, MESSY INTERSECTION
BETWEEN CARNAL ***
AND THE HARD, STIFF BUSINESS OF FOOD TELEVISION,
AND THE DELICATE HIGH-WIRE ACT
OF PRESENTING CONTROLLED SUBSTANCES ON TV
WHILE ADHERING TO NETWORK STANDARDS AND PRACTICES.
BUT WE ALWAYS FOUND A WAY.
IF NOTHING ELSE, LET THIS BE MY LEGACY.
♪♪
(man) AAH, YEAH!
THAT'S RIGHT!
I WRITE. I TRAVEL.
I EAT, AND I'M HUNGRY FOR MORE.
♪ OOH, YOU'VE GOT TO ♪
♪ GET LOST ♪
♪ NO RESERVATIONS ♪
Closed Captions provided by Scripps Networks, LLC.
THE HOLY TRINITY... SEX, DRUGS, AND ROCK 'N ROLL.
THE FACT REMAINS,
THE STUFF REALLY WORTH DOING
IS PROBABLY WORTH REALLY OVERDOING.
WHO DOESN'T WANT TO DO THAT?
♪
OFF THE MAIN ROAD,
WHICH ISN'T MUCH OF A MAIN ROAD TO START WITH,
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN THE JOSHUA TREES,
IS THE LEGENDARY RANCHO DE LA LUNA,
A RECORDING STUDIO
AND GENERALLY KIND OF MAGICAL SPACE,
FAMOUS FOR INSPIRING SONGWRITERS,
BASE FOR THE SERIES
OF "THE DESERT SESSIONS" RECORDINGS,
WHERE SONGS ARE WRITTEN ON THE SPOT
AND RECORDED IN ONE TAKE, NEVER TO BE PLAYED AGAIN.
♪♪
A LOT OF GREAT BANDS AND GREAT MUSICIANS
LIKE DAVE GROHL AND P.J. HARVEY LIKE RECORDING HERE
RATHER THAN THE USUAL, MORE STERILE,
PROFESSIONAL-LOOKING ENVIRONMENTS,
INSPIRED BY THE HOME FEEL, THE DESERT,
EVEN THE SOUNDS OF THE DESERT.
A DOOR SLAMMING, WIND CHIMES--
IT ALL SOMEHOW AFFECTS THE FINISHED TRACKS.
DAVE CATCHING FROM THE earthlings?
AND EAGLES OF DEATH METAL
AND PATRICK HUTCHINSON, OR "HUTCH,"
THE CHIEF SOUND ENGINEER FOR QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE,
LEND A CRITICAL EAR
AND STUDIO SUPPORT.
WHAT'S GREAT ABOUT HERE IS, UH,
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN REALLY MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF NOTHING.
I MEAN, I'M HERE FOR FIVE MINUTES,
AND YOU JUST HEAR STUFF.
AND YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES YOU DON'T NEED MUCH MORE THAN THAT
TO--TO CONVEY THE RIGHT-- I'M DRIVING ALONE, YOU KNOW?
IT'S AN EVER-CHANGING CAST AT RANCHO,
BUT MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, YOU'LL FIND DAVE,
WHO LIVES AT THE STUDIO
AND USUALLY MANS THE SOUNDBOARD
FOR THE RECORDING SESSIONS.
ABOUT 100 YARDS FROM THE STUDIO,
DOWN HARMZ WAY, IS THE HOUSE OF HUTCH.
NEARBY, THE EVER-EXPANDING RESIDENCE OF BRIAN O'CONNOR,
OR "B.O.C.," AS HIS FRIENDS CALL HIM,
BASS PLAYER FOR EAGLES OF DEATH METAL.
IT'S A SANCTUM SANCTORUM, WORKSPACE,
AND PERSONAL PLAYGROUND FOR THESE GENTLEMEN.
♪ TOO LATE TO THINK OR FILTER ANYMORE... ♪
AND LIKE ALL SELF-RESPECTING ROCK 'N' ROLLERS,
THEY LIKE CARS--
IN THIS CASE, VERY COOL CARS.
♪ YOU GOT IT ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ YOU GOT A FEELING ♪
DAVE CATCHING FAVORS
HIS 1970 CUTLASS SUPREME RAG TOP, "THE RED SHARK."
♪ OH ♪
♪ AND YOU'VE GOT IT ALL RIGHT ♪
HUTCH'S EVERYDAY RIDE IS A '52 FORD PICKUP,
RETROFITTED WITH A SMALL-BLOCK V50.
B.O.C. RIPS UP THE DESERT IN A '67 BLACK CAMARO
HE CALLS "SABBATH."
THIS BEAST PUSHES NEARLY 470 HORSEPOWER.
(engine revving, tires squealing)
HERE'S THE DEAL TONIGHT--
JOSH WORKS. HE MAKES MUSIC FOR THE SHOW.
I CRANK OUT SOME FOOD.
BUT FIRST, HUTCH, THE RANCHO MIXOLOGIST,
WHIPS US UP ANOTHER LITTLE COCKTAIL
THEY CALL THE CORVETTE SUMMER
AFTER THE CRAPPY FILM OF THE SAME NAME.
IT'S GOT TEQUILA, OF COURSE,
FRESH SQUEEZED GRAPEFRUIT JUICE,
LIME, AND TONIC.
JUST MIX IT IN A GLASS, ADD ICE,
DRINK A (bleep) OF A LOT OF 'EM, AND THEY DO.
I MEAN, OUT HERE,
TEQUILA PRACTICALLY GROWS ON TREES.
FINAL TOUCHES ON THE TRACK--
DAVE LAYS DOWN SOME KEYBOARD.
JOSH GRABS THE WIND CHIMES OFF THE PORCH
FOR SOME ATMOSPHERICS.
AND THE FIRST CUT OF "NO RESERVATIONS" SOUNDTRACK
IS COMPLETE.
ALL THAT'S LEFT TO DO-- PICK UP GRAMMY,
THROW TV OUT WINDOW, O.D. IN POOL.
(Josh) NOW WHERE'S THAT CORVETTE SUMMER?
♪♪
JOSH AND BRIAN HEAD BACK TO WORK
ON A SECOND TRACK FOR THE SHOW.
AND I GET BUSY THROWING TOGETHER A LITTLE THING I CALL
ASPARAGUS RISOTTO WITH BLACK TRUFFLE
AND PECORINO CHEESE.
WHEN YOU RECORD HERE,
CHANCES ARE IF YOU'RE NOT PLAYING,
YOU'RE COOKING FOR EVERYBODY ELSE.
CHECK YOUR SHOES,
(laughs)
YOU CAN EAT THIS WITH A SPOON AND WITH A FORK--WHATEVER.
I GOT THOSE.
WELL DONE.
BY THE WAY, YOUR RISOTTO SHOULD NEVER STAND UP, RIGHT?
YOU SHOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO REALLY MOUND RISOTTO.
(Josh) REALLY? I LIKE IT A LITTLE THICKER.
MAYBE I'M JUST A-- JUST A COUNTRY BOY AT HEART.
ENLIGHTENMENT FINALLY REACHES
(laughter)
♪♪
AS JOSH LAYS IN THE FINAL PIECES OF THE SECOND TRACK,
A FEW FRIENDS DROP BY FOR A DICE GAME CALLED "BONES."
(man) FIVE! FIVE!
(cheering)
♪♪
HOW DID THE SIMPLE ACT OF EATING
BECOME SO TWISTED UP IN OUR MINDS?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH A SOCIETY THAT SPENDS SO MANY HOURS
WATCHING OTHER PEOPLE EAT?
I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE STARVING.
MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ARE WATCHING,
BUT BY NO MEANS DOING.
LIKE THE PEEP SHOWS OF OLD, FOOD HAS BECOME
AN ALMOST ENTIRELY VOYEURISTIC ACTIVITY,
A POPULAR KINK.
AND YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO PULL ASIDE A CURTAIN
IN THE BACK OF A CRUMMY STRIP MALL VIDEO RENTAL SHOP
OR PUNCH THE PAY-PER-VIEW BUTTON IN YOUR HOTEL ROOM.
IT'S RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF OUR NOSES, EVERYWHERE.
***.
FILTHY, NASTY, UNADULTERATED,
WITH CLINICAL CLOSE-UPS,
SLOW, SENSUAL PANS-- TV IS FULL OF IT.
ACROSS THE FULL SPECTRUM OF CHANNELS,
FAT SLABS OF OOZING, UNCTUOUS FLESH,
DRIPPING CHOCOLATE,
FLAKY, TENDER, GOSSAMER-THIN CRUSTS
WHICH TREMBLE AT THE APPROACH.
AND SO MANY CLOSE-UPS OF MOANING,
EYE-ROLLING, LIP-SMACKING...
AND OOH-ING AND AAH-ING ON BASIC CABLE RIGHT NOW,
THAT IF YOU LISTENED FROM ANOTHER ROOM,
YOU'D THINK IT WAS A DIRTY *** CARPET IN ENCINO.
OH.
IF THERE'S ANY DOUBT IN YOUR MIND
THAT THE FOOD MEDIA ARE THE NEW *** INDUSTRY,
OR THAT THEY DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY'RE DOING,
CHECK THIS OUT.
LET'S VISIT THE IMAGINARY STUDIO SET
OF THE TV COOKING CHANNEL
WHERE WE CAN FOLLOW VETERAN DIRECTOR TAD CHANKO
AS HE WALKS A NEW ON-AIR TALENT
THROUGH A PILOT.
PAY CLOSE ATTENTION AS CHANKO CHURNS THROUGH
EVERY PAGE IN THE PLAYBOOK OF HACK-DOM.
I LIKE IT AL DENTE. THAT MEANS "TO THE TOOTH."
YOU'VE SEEN THIS SEEN BEFORE A THOUSAND TIMES.
AND YOU WILL SEE IT AGAIN.
SO HERE WE GO. THREE, TWO, ONE.
(woman) SEAL ALL THOSE JUICES.
SQUEEZE IT OUT OF THERE.
AND TASTE A LITTLE BIT OF THIS CREAM SAUCE.
PERFECT.
MMM.
HI, I'M KERRI.
WELCOME TO "HOT N' EASY."
WE'RE GONNA START WITH A FRESH SUMMER SALAD.
FIRST, JUST AS IN CLASSIC '70s ***,
THERE'S THE ESTABLISHING SHOT.
IN THE OLD DAYS THAT WOULD BE AN EXTERIOR
OF WHATEVER HIPPIE CRASH PAD OR SUBURBAN HOME
THE ENSUING ACTION IS TO TAKE PLACE IN.
SO REMEMBER, A FOOD SHOW FOLLOWS EXACTLY THE SAME RULES.
IN OUR CASE, THE FAKE KITCHEN FULL OF DAISIES
AND TABLESCAPES.
THE STORY-- ALWAYS THE SAME,
LIKE THE TIMELESS TALE
OF THE LONELY HOUSEWIFE SLIGHTLY SHORT OF MONEY
AND THE RANDY DELIVERY BOY.
THERE'S A MEDIUM SHOT AS PIZZA BOY MEETS NEW FRIEND
OR IN OUR CASE, COOK MEETS FOOD.
MMM, THESE ONES SMELL REALLY GOOD. (laughs)
THEN AFTER A MINIMUM OF PATTER, WE GET DOWN TO THE ACTION...
YOU WANT TO GET YOUR HANDS IN IT.
CUTTING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN INSERTS OR CLOSE-UPS
AND MEDIUM AND P.O.V. OR POINT-OF-VIEW SHOTS
FOR MAXIMUM MORALLY DECAYING IDENTIFICATION
WITH THE ON-CAMERA ACTION. OH, YEAH.
SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO USE THESE.
BUT I PREFER TO USE THESE.
(Tad) AND CUT. INSERTS? INSERTS?
JUST AS IN THE OLD DAYS, THE INSERTS ARE OFTEN SHOT
BEFORE OR AFTER THE ACTION,
HENCE THE TERM "INSERTS."
REALLY TOSS THAT SALAD.
WHACK IT OUT.
GO AHEAD AND SQUEEZE IT OUT LIKE THAT.
AND FINALLY THE POINT EVERYONE'S WAITING FOR--
THE MONEY SHOT, THE PAYOFF,
THE PRECISE MOMENT
WHEN OUR DESIGNATED ON-CAMERA EATER
ACTUALLY LEANS IN
AND TAKES A SLOW, RAPTUROUS MOUTHFUL.
AND THE REACTION SHOT.
AL DENTE.
IT MEANS "TO THE TOOTH" IN ITALIAN.
THAT'S HOW I LIKE MY PASTA.
VERY USEFUL IN THIS INDUSTRY, BY THE WAY,
IF YOU HAVE YOUR OWN SIGNATURE SOUND BITE OR TAGLINE.
THAT'S THE GOOD STUFF.
"BAM," "MONEY," "OFF THE HOOK," "AWESOME"
ARE TAKEN, BY THE WAY.
BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS STICK WITH THE CLASSICS.
"MMM" IS SAFELY OLD-SCHOOL, NEVER GETS OLD.
THE "OH, YEAH" RECOGNITION SIGNAL
PERFECT.
THE EYE ROLL, USUALLY ACCOMPANIED BY "OH, MY GOD"
OR OTHER EXPRESSIONS OF BLASPHEMY.
OR THE SHUDDER-AND-MOAN-- NOT SO IMAGINATIVE,
BUT GETTING VERY POPULAR THESE DAYS
WITH THE LEOTARD AND DéCOLLETAGE SET.
WOW, THAT IS SO GOOD.
I THINK I GOT A LITTLE BIT ON MYSELF.
(giggles)
AHH, LOOK AT THIS.
WHO WANTS TO TRY MY CREAMY CHICKEN?
THERE'S A PRETTY LIMITED MENU OF OPTIONS IN THE GENRE.
I MEAN, HOW MANY WAYS
CAN YOU TELL THE SAME SQUALID STORY?
AND CUT.
WE'RE GOING SOMEWHERE--
NOT SURE WHERE, 'CAUSE I GATHER IT'S CLASSIFIED.
HERE, MO, GIVE ME YOUR CAMERA.
BULLETPROOF VESTS FOR ALL OF US? OKAY.
(loud clatter)
ALL I KNOW IS MY NEW PAL GUSTAVO PéREZ
WHO USED TO WORK WITH MANNY BACK IN THE DAY
BUT IS NOW THE FACE
OF THE NEW DEMOCRATIC LAW-AND-ORDER ADMINISTRATION
IS VERY EXCITED. HE SAYS I'M GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME.
(speaking Spanish)
SO WHAT'S WITH ALL THE SOLDIERS AND ALL THE GUNS?
WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT, ONE MIGHT BE FORGIVEN FOR WONDERING?
(woman) HOLY (bleep)!
THE FOLLOWING SCENE IS AN ACCURATE DEPICTION
OF WHAT PRETTY MUCH JUST HAPPENED AT THE LAST MINUTE.
REALLY. ONE MINUTE ME AND THE CREW
SITTING IN THE OFFICES
OF THE DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL SECURITY,
A LITTLE COURTESY CALL, CUP OF COFFEE,
AND THEN SUDDENLY...
THIS.
HOLY (bleep) (bleep),
THAT'S A LOT OF MOTHER... (bleep) ***!
(Gustavo) 6 TONS RIGHT HERE.
AS DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL SECURITY,
GUSTAVO IS SENDING A MESSAGE.
HE'S ALSO INVITED ME TO DO SOMETHING
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D FIND MYSELF DOING IN A MILLION YEARS.
BURN 6 FREAKIN' TONS
OF PURE UNCUT ***.
(sniffs) THERE WILL BE NO LINDSAY LOHAN JOKES.
6 TONS.
(sniffs) 6 TONS, WHOLESALE VALUE...
(Gustavo) THIS IS OVER $300 MILLION TO $600 MILLION.
YES, KILO BLOCKS.
1 KILO, 1 LIFE--
WELL, YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW MANY-- HOW MANY LIVES IN HERE.
15 YEARS AGO, THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN
WHAT I ASKED SANTA CLAUS TO BRING ME FOR CHRISTMAS...
IT LOOKS LIKE KEITH RICHARDS'S BEDSPREAD BACK IN THE '70s.
ALONG WITH WORLD PEACE
AND A MAGICAL PONY THAT CRAPPED GOLD KRUGERRANDS.
HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO ACCUMULATE 6 TONS?
I MEAN, A LOT OF THESE OPERATIONS TAKE YEARS.
WELL, WE'VE DONE IT IN 42 DAYS.
WE'VE BEEN WORKING.
WE CAUGHT 12 TONS.
12 TONS OF *** SEIZED IN 42 DAYS.
THAT'S LIKE 300 KILOS A DAY FOR OVER A MONTH.
JEEZ, SOMEONE'S REALLY GOOD AT THEIR JOB.
(Anthony) IS THERE A VICTORY AT THE END?
THIS IS LIKE RED SOX AGAINST THE YANKEES.
CLOSE GAME.
WE SOMETIMES SEE THE LIGHT, SOMETIMES DON'T SEE THE LIGHT.
I'M FEELING A LITTLE TWEAKY,
LIKE I SHOULD OPEN A RESTAURANT/LOUNGE
OR MAYBE REMAKE "WATERWORLD" OR "TOP GUN 2"
STARRING ZAC EFRON. YEAH, AWESOME.
AND WE COULD, LIKE, MAYBE MAKE IT A MUSICAL. GREAT IDEA.
I'D LIKE TO SAY THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
I'VE COOKED ***, BUT THAT'S NOT EXACTLY TRUE.
(man speaking Spanish)
♪♪
(man) YEP, YEP.
(Anthony) WHOO. BURN, BURN, BURN. BURN.
HOLY (bleep). S'MORES, ANYONE?
OH, THAT'S THE WORLD'S BIGGEST BOWL OF READY-ROCK.
(Gustavo speaking indistinctly)
THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR, LIKE, FOR HELPING US, OKAY?
THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
CRACK IS WHACK.
♪ NO RESERVATIONS ♪
♪♪
HERE WE SET A NEW BAR FOR THE "WATCH HOST
TAKING UNNATURAL PLEASURE IN FOOD" SCENE,
AS IN HOW MUCH GRUNTING, MOANING, AND SWEATING
CAN WE SQUEEZE INTO ONE SCENE
WITHOUT INVOLVING ANY (bleep)?
AND SPEAKING OF HERSHEY HIGHWAYS,
THIS IS ONE YOU MIGHT REALLY ENJOY TRAVELING.
YOU KNOW, LIFE MAY BE FILLED WITH DELIGHTS
OF INFINITE VARIETY,
BUT SOMETIMES YOU JUST WANT PLAIN OLD VANILLA.
YOU MAY HAVE LIVED THE CULINARY VERSION
OF TOURING WITH MOTLEY CRUE, BUT BY NOW IF YOU'RE LIKE ME,
YOU KNOW WHAT RELIABLY GETS YOU OFF EVERY TIME.
STUFF THAT JUST NEVER GETS OLD.
(man) WET AND SPICY.
(Anthony) MAYBE IT'S A PHEROMONIC THING,
LIKE LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.
BUT FOR ME A GOOD BOWL OF PHO WILL ALWAYS MAKE ME HAPPY,
TAKE ME TO THAT SPECIAL PLACE WHERE EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL,
AND NOTHING HURTS.
BARE ALUMINUM TABLE,
VERY IMPORTANT LOW PLASTIC STOOL,
AND A CRUMMY NEON LIGHT.
EARLY WARNING SIGNS OF GREAT THINGS TO COME.
YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT MY LIME CHUNKS,
GOT MY CHILI PASTE, TISSUE BOX--VERY IMPORTANT.
THIS IS WHERE THE FOOD *** REALLY IS, OKAY?
THE STREET VENDORS OF VIETNAM SET UP THEIR STALLS
EARLY IN THE MORNING,
STOCKING UP WITH ENTIRELY FRESH INGREDIENTS,
PREPPING THEIR STOCKS AND THEIR GARNISHES.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS
WITH A FEROCIOUS ANTICIPATION.
PHO IS SOMETHING BETWEEN A SOUP AND A NOODLE DISH,
USUALLY MADE WITH MEAT AND VEGETABLES.
THE SMELL OF THAT BROTH CAN BE DETECTED DOWN THE STREET,
EACH VERSION SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT.
THE SMELL COMING OFF THE END OF THIS TABLE
IS (bleep) DRIVING ME OUT OF MY MIND.
♪♪
I'M (bleep) QUIVERING WITH DESIRE HERE.
♪♪
OH, PLEASE, JEBUS, LET IT BE MINE. LET IT BE MINE.
(woman) ♪ I WANT ♪
♪ I NEED ♪
♪ I WANT ♪
THAT COULD HAVE BEEN MINE. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN MINE.
DAMN YOU, STRANGER.
HONESTLY, I'D JERK A RUSTY BUTTER KNIFE
ACROSS MY BEST FRIEND'S THROAT JUST FOR THIS.
OKAY, MAYBE NOT MY BEST FRIEND.
PLEASE.
(mumbles)
I'VE GOT-- I'VE GOT THE VAPORS.
I'M ALL, LIKE, FREAKIN' STEAMED UP.
OH, YEAH. COME TO--YES.
THANK YOU. OH, GOD, LOOK AT THAT.
OH, SPEAK TO ME, YOU LOVELY BOWL OF GOODNESS.
LOOK AT THAT SHIMMER OF FAT ON TOP.
OH, THAT PANORAMA OF MYSTERIOUS MEATS,
I BELIEVE TENDON AND FILLET AND...
THIS IS SUPPOSEDLY ONE OF THE BEST PHO IN VIETNAM.
OH, YEAH. NO DOUBT. THIS IS...
OH, YEAH. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS, BUT...
A LITTLE SOUR.
COME TO PAPA, MY FRIEND.
OH, YEAH. COME ON, LOOK AT THAT.
(slurping)
OH, YEAH.
YOU'VE GOT THIS WONDERFUL SORT OF TEXTURAL DISNEYLAND
OF A LITTLE CHEWY, A LITTLE TENDER, A LITTLE MEATY.
THE SLURPING, OF COURSE, IS ESSENTIAL,
NOT IMPOLITE AT ALL.
AH, (bleep) THIS SHIRT.
I WOULD BURN CITIES TO THE GROUND FOR A BOWL OF THIS.
YES, TELL ME ALL YOUR SECRETS, MY LOVE.
SPEAK TO ME.
MY EAR GAPETH TO HEAR THY DULCET TONES.
BROTH, MAN.
OH, LOOK AT THE SHIMMERING, GLISTENING LITTLE GLOBULES
OF MARROW, FAT, AND OTHER GOODNESS,
A SEA OF LIMITLESS POSSIBILITIES AND LOVELINESS.
ONE SPOONFUL IS ALL IT TAKES
FOR A "COME TO MAMA" MOMENT FOR ME.
AND IF, YOU KNOW, YOU'VE BEEN A BAD BOY,
YOU DESERVE TO BE PUNISHED.
A LITTLE BIT OF HEAT.
DEATH ROW MEAL?
OH, YEAH. OH, DRIPPING NOODLES.
THIS IS THE GOOD STUFF.
YOU MIGHT FIND IN THE GREAT KITCHENS OF EUROPE
PERHAPS SOMETHING AS GOOD,
BUT YOU WILL NEVER FIND ANYTHING BETTER THAN THIS.
(sniffs, exhales)
THAT'S GOOD STUFF.
♪♪
(woman) JACQUES TORRES IS GONNA GIVE YOU SOME...
(Anthony) I AM MOSTLY IMMUNE TO THE ALLURE OF CHOCOLATE,
THOUGH I AM WELL AWARE OF ITS DIABOLICAL POWERS
TO ENSLAVE EVEN THE SMARTEST
AND MOST INDEPENDENT FEMALE MIND.
WHY IS IT THAT NEXT TO THE WORD "CHOCOLATE"
THE WORDS "DECADENT," "SINFUL,"
DARE I SAY "SEX"--
TH-THOSE WORDS COME UP A LOT.
WHAT UNHOLY POWERS DO YOU HAVE AT YOUR COMMAND?
CHOCOLATES CONTAIN THE SAME CHEMICAL
THAT YOUR BRAIN WOULD PRODUCE WHEN YOU'RE IN LOVE.
SO IT'S A CHEMICAL THING.
IT'S A SCIENTIFIC FACT.
IT'S ALWAYS WORKED,
AND EVERYBODY LOVES CHOCOLATE.
THIS IS NOT FOOD. IT'S A DRUG,
A SEXIST PLOT TO KEEP WOMEN DOWN.
IN THEIR HEART OF HEARTS, WOMEN CAN DO WITHOUT MEN.
THEY CAN'T DO WITHOUT CHOCOLATE.
AT THE TIME OF... (speaking indistinctly)
THEY USED TO DRINK CHOCOLATE JUST WHEN THEY GET MARRIED
OH, REALLY?
SO THAT'S MAYBE WHERE THE APHRODISIAC IDEA
OF CHOCOLATES COME FROM.
OH, YES.
WE DO THE CLASSIC HOT CHOCOLATE.
IT'S BASICALLY A BLOCK OF CHOCOLATE THAT WE GRIND.
WE PUT A LITTLE BIT OF MILK POWDER,
AND WE BOIL THAT.
SEE, THAT'S-- THAT'S THE REAL THING.
OKAY, THAT BRINGS ME RIGHT BACK TO MY CHILDHOOD.
UNFORTUNATELY, IT BRINGS ME BACK TO MOM. SEE, THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
THIS IS WHY WOMEN HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THIS.
YOU KNOW, FOR WOMEN, THEY'RE THINKING
ABOUT A ROLL IN THE SACK RIGHT AWAY.
THEY TASTE THIS, THEY'RE THINKING SEX.
I THINK ABOUT--YOU KNOW, I WASN'T FEELING GOOD.
MY NOSE WAS RUNNING. YOU KNOW, MY MOM GAVE ME HOT CHOCOLATE.
IT WAS NOWHERE NEAR THIS GOOD, BY THE WAY.
I'M REALLY--I'M LOOKING
FOR A STRATEGICALLY DESIGNED PACKAGE
THAT WILL TURN ANY WOMAN,
EVEN A HARDCASE, MIXED MARTIAL ARTS ENTHUSIAST,
OKAY.
I BELIEVE THAT WHEN YOU CREATE
A BOX OF CHOCOLATES,
YOU HAVE TO KEEP IN MIND WHAT PEOPLE LOVE.
WAIT, WOULD--WOULD LOVE-- LOVE POTION NUMBER NINE?
LOVE POTION NUMBER NINE HAS SOME SPICES,
YES, YES.
WHEN WILL WE WAKE UP
AND THROW OFF THIS INSTRUMENT OF OPPRESSION,
A VITAL TOOL DESIGNED TO KEEP WOMEN LOCKED
IN A SELF-DESTRUCTIVE CYCLE OF *** AND BODY DYSMORPHIA?
NO TIME SOON, I HOPE.
IT'S JUST TOO EASY.
(man) ♪ NO RESERVATIONS ♪
MUSIC AND (bleep)--
TWO REGULAR FEATURES ON "NO RESERVATIONS."
"HOW COULD I GET THIS REALLY GREAT BAND
INTO A FOOD AND TRAVEL SHOW?"
BEING A QUESTION WE ALWAYS ASK OURSELVES.
AND FOR FREE-- THAT'S IMPORTANT, TOO.
ALSO ***.
THANKFULLY THAT'S SOMETHING THAT'S AFFORDABLE EVERYWHERE.
I TRIED GETTING OFF THE *** TRAIN
AFTER TWO OR THREE SEASONS,
FIGURING, EH, THEY'VE GOT OTHER PEOPLE TO DO THAT NOW.
BUT MY PRODUCERS COULD RARELY PASS UP AN OPPORTUNITY
TO GET A SKIN FLUTE INTO A SCENE.
ALONE AND ALIENATED, I WANDERED THE TRACKS.
(horn blaring, bell clanging)
PERHAPS IT WAS THE BOURBON I'D BEEN HITTING ALL DAY,
BUT MY JUDGMENT WAS TEMPORARILY CLOUDED.
AND WHEN A BATTERED VAN PULLED UP
AND TWO STRANGERS OFFERED ME A RIDE
AND SOME MORE BOURBON, I ACCEPTED.
(Black Keys) ♪ EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ YOU'RE REACTING ALL ALONG ♪
THEY SAID THEIR NAMES WERE DAN AND PATRICK.
THEY WERE ON TOUR WITH THEIR BAND, THEY SAID,
THOUGH I SAW NO EVIDENCE OF INSTRUMENTS--
A GROUP CALLED THE BLACK KEYS, I GATHERED,
THOUGH THEY DIDN'T LOOK LIKE ANY ROCK 'N' ROLL STARS
I'D EVER SEEN.
DON'T--DON'T TOUCH THE DUCT TAPE.
RECONSIDERING MY DECISION TO JOIN THEM
IN THEIR VAN OF DEATH AND POSSIBLE DISMEMBERMENT,
I DECIDED TO HUMOR THEM, DIVERT THEM, PERHAPS,
WITH SOME FINE BARBECUE.
SCHLOEGEL'S WOODYARD BARBECUE SEEMED THE PERFECT PLACE
TO GIVE THEM THE SLIP.
FIRST AND FOREMOST A WOODYARD THAT PROVIDED FUEL
TO KANSAS CITY PIT MASTERS,
THEY DECIDED THEY MIGHT AS WELL GET IN THE GAME THEMSELVES.
THE BLACK KEYS, AS THEY CALL THEMSELVES,
CLAIM TO HAVE DRIVEN ALL THE WAY
FROM THEIR HOMETOWN OF AKRON, OHIO,
A KNOWN BREEDING GROUND FOR SERIAL KILLERS, BY THE WAY.
WHEN WE FIRST STARTED TOURING, WE--WE HAD $5 A DAY
WE COULD EACH SPEND ON FOOD.
DAN, THOUGH, WOULD USUALLY SAVE HIS MONEY
TO GO EAT WONTON SOUP.
BAD CHINESE FOOD IS-- IS REALLY...
IT'S AWFUL. IT'S REALLY BAD.
ESPECIALLY BAD WONTON SOUP.
YEAH, THE REAL THICK WONTON NOODLES.
THAT BEING SAID,
I WELCOME THAT BOWL OF SOUP OVER, LIKE,
RIGHT.
UNIDENTIFIABLE AND GROSS, YOU KNOW?
(The Black Keys' "Money Maker" playing)
♪ OH ♪
♪ SHE WANTS MILK AND HONEY ♪
AT THE WOODYARD,
IT'S ALL ABOUT THE WOOD, ACTUALLY--
NOT HICKORY, LIKE YOU MIGHT EXPECT,
BUT A MIX OF APPLE AND CHERRY.
♪ BUT, OH ♪
♪ THAT'S NOT THE WAY IT GOES ♪
THAT MIGHT BE THE PERFECT FOOD RIGHT THERE.
I WORKED IN RESTAURANTS FOR FIVE YEARS.
I MET THE CRAZIEST CHARACTERS WORKING IN KITCHENS.
YEAH.
MM-HMM. THE OWNER OF THE RESTAURANT I WORKED IN
CARRIED A LITTLE BRIEFCASE AROUND WITH HIS HANDGUN IN IT.
AND HE WAS DOING A LOT OF ***.
AND HE WOULD GET FURIOUS ABOUT SOMETHING.
HE WOULD, LIKE, TAKE A TOASTER OUT BACK
AND JUST SHOOT THE (bleep) OUT OF IT.
RIGHT,
BUT YOU WORKED IN A KITCHEN.
THOUGH MY RIBS AND BRISKET WERE DELICIOUS,
I COULD BARELY CHOKE IT DOWN,
MY THROAT CONSTRICTED WITH FEAR.
PERHAPS I COULD SHARPEN A BONE
FROM ONE OF THESE TASTY, TASTY CHICKEN WINGS,
USE IT AS A WEAPON IF NEED BE.
WHICH IS, UH, MORE SATISFYING,
THE RECORD OR THE TOURING?
WE'VE GROWN TO REALLY LOVE PLAYING SHOWS.
IS THE LIFE.
PRETTY MUCH.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE SELLING ANY LUNCHBOXES ANYTIME SOON?
I MEAN, WE WOULD. WE'LL SELL WHATEVER.
REALLY? IS THERE MONEY IN MERCH?
SHOULD I BE LOOKING AT MERCH? I'M SERIOUS.
YOU GUYS ARE SELLING T-SHIRTS OUT OF THE BACK OF THE CAR.
ARE YOU SERIOUSLY GONNA SELL T-SHIRTS?
I DON'T SELL T-SHIRTS,
AND APPARENTLY I'M A (bleep) IDIOT.
WHAT WOULD BE ON MY T-SHIRT?
YOU COULD PUT ANYTHING ON THERE.
(laughing)
IN THE END, THEY DIDN'T KILL ME OR MAKE A SKIN SUIT OUT OF ME.
FOR TRANSIENTS WHO CLAIM TO BE IN A BAND,
THESE BLACK KEYS GUYS TURNED OUT TO BE OKAY.
IN FACT, WITHIN HOURS OF THIS MEAL
THEY BECAME THE NUMBER TWO ALBUM IN THE COUNTRY
AND SOLD OUT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN
IN 15 MINUTES.
SANTIAGO INTRODUCES ME TO THE SORT OF MEAL
THAT'S A MAGNET FOR THE KIND OF *** JOKES
THAT SHECKY GREENE WOULD FIND IMPOSSIBLE TO LAY OFF OF,
A LOCAL FAVORITE GOING BACK MANY, MANY YEARS.
SO WHAT ARE WE HAVING?
(speaking Spanish)
YEAH, SURE. WE'LL TRY IT ALL.
CAN YOU GUESS?
ANTHONY.
THAT LOOKS LIKE A FULL CROSS-SECTION OF (bleep).
YES, THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S (bleep),
***, (bleep), JOHN THOMAS, (bleep),
(bleep), (bleep), DORK, LOVE MUSCLE, (bleep),
PRONG, ***, (bleep)-POLE, (bleep), (bleep), (bleep),
(bleep), (bleep)-- HAVE I MENTIONED (bleep)?
(laughs) HOW IS IT?
TASTES OF (bleep).
I GOTTA TELL YOU, I LIKE THE FATTY BITS BETTER.
(bleep), (bleep), (bleep), (bleep), (bleep), (bleep).
TO QUOTE QUENTIN TARANTINO AND ROGER AVARY,
SO THIS IS LIKE SKEWER ***, RIGHT?
THEY'RE, LIKE, REALLY FRIGHTENINGLY LONG.
YOU KNOW, IT'S, LIKE, THIS LONG, MAN. IT'S REALLY...
IT'S GOOD.
AND CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
THAT POTATO AND AVOCADO GARNISH--
IT LOOKS LIKE (bleep).
OH, THAT-- THAT LOOKS GOOD.
A HEARTY BEEF STEW MADE FROM, WELL,
JUST THINK OF IT AS REALLY YOUNG VEAL.
YEAH?
FLAVOR. YEAH.
ACTUALLY, THIS IS FETUS SOUP,
ANOTHER TRADITIONAL SPECIALTY THAT GOES BACK A LONG WAY.
THESE LITTLE FELLAS DIED ALONG WITH MAMA.
WITH NO WAY OF KNOWING THE COW WAS PREGNANT,
THE COW WAS SLAUGHTERED
AND LATER FOUND TO CONTAIN A FETUS.
SO THE FETUS ENDED UP IN A PEASANT'S SOUP POT
LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE, ONLY A SPECIAL SOUP POT.
IT SPEAKS, OF COURSE, TO THE HARD-WORKING FARMERS
WHO DIDN'T LET ANYTHING GO TO WASTE.
NO.
NO, NO, NO.
I KNOW THERE ARE, LIKE, FIVE PLACES AROUND.
IT IS A RARE AND INFREQUENT MENU ITEM,
AND I'M SURE SOMETHING THAT THE PEASANT FARMERS
WHO ORIGINATED THIS DISH WERE IN NO WAY SQUEAMISH ABOUT.
WELL, I LIKE IT, MAN. GOOD--A GOOD SOUP.
WHY? HOW COME?
BECAUSE UNSURPRISINGLY IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT,
FETUS TASTES GOOD.
IT'S TENDER WITH A STRONGER, MORE CONCENTRATED FLAVOR,
WHICH IS TO SAY, QUITE DELICIOUS.
♪ NO RESERVATIONS ♪
BETTER THAN PUTTING, LIKE,
A REALLY FAMOUS BAND ON THE SHOW--
INTRODUCING YOU TO ONE YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF,
LIKE THE LEGENDARILY UNSUCCESSFUL UNBAND.
MIKE RUFFINO, THEIR BASSIST, BY THE WAY,
PROVIDES MUCH OF THE MUSIC FOR THIS SHOW.
OH, AND HERE'S A CLASSIC
"HOW TO DO CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE ON TV" MOMENT.
JUST DISGUISE AS FOOD AND DENY IT'S HAPPENING,
LIKE THAT TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE GIRL SAID
TO THAT DREAMY ROBERT PATTINSON,
"WHO DO YOU BELIEVE, ME OR YOUR LYING EYES?"
THAT'S GONNA TAKE A DRIVE TO DORCHESTER
TO THE EIRE PUB,
WHERE THE BARKEEPS STILL WEAR UNIFORMS,
THE SANDWICHES ARE THICK,
AND THE WHISKEY AND BEER FLOW FREELY.
(indistinct conversation)
WE MEET UP WITH MIKE'S FRIEND AND SOMETIME BANDMATE,
THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS "MINK JAGUAR,"
"MINK ROCKMOORE," AND CURRENTLY "MINK ENTRY."
OVER GUINNESS AND BEEF BARLEY SOUP,
WE DISCUSS THE OLD DAYS.
WHO WAS BIG IN BOSTON AS YOU WERE OUT THERE?
WE WERE A HARD-ROCKIN' ROCK BAND
AT A TIME WHEN THE NEW KIDS THING WAS GOING ON.
WHATEVER WAS HAPPENING, WE WEREN'T IT.
WE, OF COURSE, ARE THE (bleep) UNBAND,
SO PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR US. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THE UNBAND WERE, IN THEIR HEYDAY
IN THE LATE '80s AND EARLY '90s,
SOMETHING OF A LEGEND,
ACHIEVING THE SUPREME HONOR OF HAVING BEEN
ALMOST UNIVERSALLY BANNED IN BOSTON.
THEIR PERFORMANCES WERE SO ALLEGEDLY ROWDY,
SO ***, THAT THEY FREQUENTLY
HAD TO CHANGE THEIR NAMES TO GET WORK.
WE WERE BANNED FROM ALL KINDS OF CLUBS.
AND WHY--WHY WERE YOU BANNED IN BOSTON?
WHAT SPECIFIC ACTIVITIES?
RIGHT.
ONE OF OUR FANS THREW SOME KIND OF RAT OR HAMSTER.
IT WAS FROZEN.
PEOPLE ARE THROWING FROZEN RODENTS AT YOU.
BUT THEIR ROAD TO THE TOP SEEMED BLOCKED AT EVERY TURN
BY SMALL-MINDED, CLOSED-MINDED SUITS
WHO JUST DIDN'T, IT SEEMS, UNDERSTAND GREATNESS,
THAT ALL THE REEKING, BLEEDING, DRUNKEN,
PHLEGM-ENCRUSTED MAYHEM
WAS IN FACT A POST-IRONIC COMMENTARY ON THE TIMES--
META, IF YOU WILL.
THAT IS THE ROUGHEST THING ABOUT THE TRAVEL--
NOT HAVING A PLACE TO...
YEAH.
SO YOU'VE GOTTA...
A GOOD, SOLITARY (bleep)
RIGHT.
THAT'S IMPORTANT.
MAYBE THERE'S A GAS STATION. PROBABLY THERE ISN'T.
THERE'S NOTHING LIKE-- YOU PULL UP INTO A GAS STATION
WITH A LITTLE CONVENIENCE STORE--THE BATHROOM--
AND THERE'S ONE PERSON BACK THERE
ROLLING THE HOT DOGS ON THE THING,
AND YOU--YOU KNOW, LIKE, YOU'RE RUNNING--
YOU RUN RIGHT INTO THE BATHROOM.
YOU MAKE SOME HORRIFYING, EXPLOSIVE (bleep) NOISE.
YOU COME OUT OF THERE
KNOWING THAT THIS TERRIFYING WAFT,
THIS STENCH IS GONNA FOLLOW YOU OUT THE DOOR...
AND YOU'RE, LIKE, ON YOUR WAY TO THE--
"HEY, SO--HEY, THA"-- WHAT DO YOU DO, SAY "THANKS"?
"SORRY ABOUT THE DAMAGE."
♪♪
THANK YOU, SIR.
AS FAR BACK AS THE FIRST TIME I WAS IN PHNOM PENH,
HAPPY PIZZA, AS IT'S KNOWN--
IT'S REALLY SOMETHING OF AN INDIGENOUS CLASSIC
AROUND HERE.
MMM.
LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY. WHAT MAKES THIS PIZZA SO HAPPY?
LET'S JUST SAY THERE'S A POWERFUL HERBAL COMPONENT
TO THIS PIZZA.
THINK ANYONE CAN TELL?
NOW WHEN I SAY "HERBAL," OF COURSE, DON'T BE MISLED.
YOU CAN BE SURE THAT AS A RESPONSIBLE INDIVIDUAL,
I WOULD NEITHER USE OR APPROVE OF
THE USE OF ANY CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE.
IT'S GONNA BE OKAY, RIGHT?
I'M JUST FREAKIN' A LITTLE BIT, MAN.
IT'S THE PIZZA THAT MAKES YOU
INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE.
IT CURES GLAUCOMA, TOO, I'M TOLD.
(making swishing sounds) 3-D.
THE CRUST COULD BE A LITTLE CRISPIER.
BUT REALLY, WHICH IS MORE IMPORTANT--
CRISPY CRUST OR CRISPY DINER?
NOW REMEMBER, JUST 'CAUSE I SAY
THERE'S A POWERFUL HERBAL COMPONENT TO THIS DISH,
IT IN NO WAY SUGGESTS OR IMPLIES
THAT ANY CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE
IS INCLUDED IN THIS, UH...
WHAT WAS I SAYIN', MAN?
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I REALLY THINK,
MAKE SURE TO VISIT MY WEB SITE AT...
♪ NO RESERVATIONS ♪
WE ALWAYS SCOURED THE GLOBE
IN SEARCH OF THE LATEST GROUNDBREAKING TALENT,
INTRODUCING THE AMAZING JIHAI
IN OUR HARBIN, CHINA, EPISODE.
HE'S CURRENTLY OPENING FOR CELINE IN VEGAS, BY THE WAY.
AS FAR AS "TONY GETS DRUNK" SCENES,
THIS ONE WAS ON PARTICULARLY GOOD WINE.
AS ALWAYS, NIGHT TURNS INTO DAY.
BUT THIS ONE IS SPECIAL FOR SOME REASON,
BECAUSE OF JIHAI.
HELLO. CIAO.
THIS IS THE MAN, THE PHENOMENON,
THE BUSINESS EMPIRE THAT IS JIA JIHAI.
(speaking foreign language)
(laughter)
RIGHT.
AND THIS IS USA BUCKS,
A CARGO CULT VERSION
OF A SALOON FROM THE AMERICAN WEST,
BUILT BY A GUY WHO'S NEVER EVEN BEEN TO THE AMERICAN WEST
BUT WHO CLEARLY DREAMED OF DOING SO.
(laughing)
JIHAI IS A NOT-SO-EXTREME EXAMPLE
OF CHINA'S NEW HIGH-ROLLING BUSINESS ELITES.
BORN POOR, HE MADE IT VERY BIG
WITH A CHAIN OF VERY POPULAR HOT POT RESTAURANTS.
SO I HAVE TO ASK, WHAT DO HIS BUSINESS COLLEAGUES,
FRIENDS, OTHER PEOPLE WHO ARE AROUND HIM,
WHAT DO THEY THINK OF HIS GREAT INTEREST IN--
IN WESTERN CULTURE, IN COWBOYS AND WESTERN MILITARY?
(speaking foreign language)
MM-HMM.
AT SOME POINT, JIHAI DECIDED TO JUST TAKE IT EASY,
ENJOY HIS MONEY, AND HAVE A REALLY GOOD TIME
DOING THINGS HIS WAY, MEANING INDULGING HIS TASTE
FOR AMERICAN MILITARY UNIFORMS AND HARDWARE,
COWBOY STUFF, WESTERN WOMEN,
AND GETTING WHAT CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED
AS KINDA LATE-ERA STUDIO 54.
BEAUTIFUL. CHEERS.
(man) WELCOME TO HARBIN AGAIN, TONY.
(Jihai echoing) MIC. CHECK.
(pop music playing)
(singing in foreign language)
WHEN IT'S POINTED OUT TO ME
THAT MANY OF THESE ARE SORT OF DISCO VERSIONS
OF THE SONGS FROM THE ULTRA-MAOIST
CULTURAL REVOLUTION DAYS,
SONGS JIHAI ONCE HAD TO SING TO GET BY
TO ESTABLISH SUFFICIENT COMMUNIST ENTHUSIASM
TO AVOID A WORK CAMP OR WORSE,
WELL, IT ADDS A CERTAIN POIGNANCY,
AN ELEMENT OF ANGER,
A FRENETIC NOTE TO WHAT OTHERWISE LOOKS
LIKE HE'S PARTYING LIKE IT'S 1979.
WHOO-HOO!
WHOO!
AWESOME!
I HOPE SOMEDAY WE CAN EXTEND,
UH, THE SAME HOSPITALITY TO HIM IN AMERICA.
(speaking foreign language)
I WILL NOT, HOWEVER, BE SINGING AND DANCING, BUT...
BUT I MAKE A PRETTY FUNKY CASSEROLE.
(laughs)
AND A GLASS FULL OF RED STUFF--
WHAT IS THIS AGAIN? HOLY (bleep)!
IF I HAD TO GO TO A DESERT ISLAND,
TOM HANKS, "CAST AWAY"-- SOCCER BALL AND SOME WINE
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, I'D BE VERY CONTENT WITH THIS.
I WOULD NOT BE BUILDING A BOAT.
I'LL HAVE SOME MORE OF THAT, AND SOME MORE.
(voice echoing) MAYBE A LITTLE MORE.
AND SOME MORE. I'LL HAVE SOME MORE OF THAT.
SOME MORE, PLEASE. SOME MORE. AND SOME MORE.
AND SOME MORE, PLEASE. MORE, PLEASE. MORE, PLEASE.
MORE, PLEASE. MORE, PLEASE. MORE, PLEASE.
(laughing)
(normal voice) SOMEHOW-- I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
EVEN THOUGH WE'RE TRAINED CHEFS AND DRINKING PROFESSIONALS...
SOMEHOW THINGS MUST HAVE GOTTEN PAST US,
BECAUSE WE WENT OUTSIDE FOR SOME AIR,
AND THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, THE WORLD TURNED
AND THE FLOOR CAME UP
AND THIS.
♪ NO RESERVATIONS ♪
WHERE HAVE ALL THE GOOD TIMES GONE?
PEOPLE ASK IF I EVER GET BURNT OUT
ON ALL THAT FOIE GRAS, UNBORN LARK'S TONGUES,
CAVIAR, AND TRUFFLES
SERVED BY WELL-OILED AND WAXED MINION-ETTES.
IF I'VE EVER BEEN AN ADVOCATE
FOR ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD, IT'S BEEN THIS--
A SIMPLE, GOOD THING,
USUALLY A SANDWICH, USUALLY INVOLVING PORK.
LOOKING BACK, I GOTTA SAY IT WAS A LOT OF MILES
AND A LOT OF EXPERIENCES GOOD AND BAD.
BUT IT DEFINITELY HAD ITS MOMENTS.
THE WHEEL, THE INTERNET, THE PINT GLASS,
THE ELECTRIC GUITAR--THESE WERE ALL IMPORTANT INVENTIONS
THAT MADE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE TO LIVE IN.
BUT TO THAT LIST WE MUST ADD ANOTHER INNOVATION...
IT'S LIKE PEELING THE *** OFF A SUPERMODEL.
OH, YES.
THE PORK CHOP BUN,
THE PRODUCT OF GENIUS
AND A DISTINCTLY MACANESE CREATION
WHICH WILL LIVE IN HISTORY.
OOZING FRIED PORK CHOP
BETWEEN DELICIOUS BREAD.
I KNOW THERE'S A TORMENTED, ANGRY VEGETARIAN
OUT THERE SOMEWHERE WATCHING THIS ALONE.
COME ON, LOOK AT THIS. YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT.
NO ONE'S WATCHING. YOU CAN HAVE IT.
NO ONE WILL TELL.
HERE AT TAI LEI LOI KAI IN THE VILLAGE OF TAIPA,
THEY DO ONE OF THE BETTER,
SOME EVEN SAY THE ORIGINAL VERSION
AS EVIDENCED BY THE PACKED HOUSE
OF...(indistinct) EAGERLY ENJOYING
JUICY, SAVORY DELICIOUSNESS.
OH, GOD, THAT'S GOOD.
HOW THEY CAN MAKE SOMETHING THAT TASTES JUST LIKE THAT
OUT OF TOFU--NO. NO, THEY CAN'T.
GOTTA WINNOW OUT EVERY LITTLE BIT OF GOODNESS,
'CAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU'RE GONNA GET YOUR NEXT MEAL.
ACTUALLY IN ABOUT TWO HOURS.
(slurps loudly)
WELL, I THINK WE'VE LEARNED SOMETHING TODAY.
PORK--GOOD. PORK ON SANDWICH--BETTER.
LIKE I SAID,
ROCK 'N' ROLL IS A GRUELING, SOMETIMES UGLY BUSINESS.
IT SUCKS YOU DRY,
LEAVES YOU BROKEN AND HOLLOW.
I KNOW, BECAUSE I WAS THERE,
AND IN THE END, I GAVE IT EVERYTHING I HAD.
YEAH, JUST LET IT TAKE YOU.
(Anthony laughs)
OH, IT'S COMING, MAN.
AS WITH SO MANY OF THE ARTISTS WHO SPENT TIME HERE,
RECORDED THEIR MUSIC,
MY CONTRIBUTION, TOO, SHALL LIVE FOREVER
IN THE PANTHEON OF ROCK.
(clang)
(Josh) SO HOW WAS IT FOR YOU?
(laughter)
A LITTLE TOUCH,
ONE LITTLE FILL-UP THAT I LIKE TO THINK
PUSHED THE TUNE WE NOW KNOW AS "LONELY T-BIRD"
OVER THE TOP
AND INTO LEGEND.
THAT MAY SEEM LIKE JUST ME
HITTING ONE TIME ON A PIECE OF METAL,
BUT IT REPRESENTS A LONG AND PAINFUL PROCESS.
I HAD TO DIG DEEP.
I HAD TO GO PLACES,
BOTH INSIDE MY HEAD AND OUTSIDE.
AND IN THE END, AFTER SEARCHING AND SEARCHING,
AS SO MANY WHO COME OUT HERE
TO THIS STRANGE AND SAVAGE LANDSCAPE DO,
I FOUND IT--
THE PERFECT NOTE,
A PURE, BALLISTICALLY DELIVERED NOTE,
A BLOW AGAINST THE EMPIRE,
A RINGING, SINGLE, BEAUTIFUL STRIKE,
A HAMMER OF THE GODS
THAT WILL LIVE IN ROCK FOREVER.