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Coming up.
[ Man ]
Regina!
Regina!
Hi! I love you, too!
[ Man ] Regina!
I´m gonna throw it off.
Ahh! I can´t believe I am this close
to Regina Streep.
I mean, I have seen
all of her movies.
What a talented actress!
Just look at her lip gloss!
[Jamaica ] Well, the girl
ain´t all that anymore.
This is a TV movie.
Worse yet,Jamaica,
it´s on basic cable.
The Wetness of Dreams,
take one.
Action!
Ooh!
Halibut, Halibut
fear me not, Halibut.
I carry no hooks.
I hold no tartar sauce.
Uhh! Uhh! Uhh!
Help!
I think she needs help.
[ Choking ]
[ Regina ] Help!
Aah! Oh!
Aah!
[ Choking ]
[ Gasps ]
Uhh!
[ Gasps ]
[ Inhales And Exhales ]
Oh!
Hey, lifeguard
is that some driftwood
in your pocket
or are you just
happy to see me?
Huh?
Oh, that!
No, that´s a piece
of driftwood.
[ Announcer]
Tonight´s episode--
[ Sproing ]
[ Announcer]
Guests of our show
receive ´´Son of the
Beach, the Home Game.
´´
Please! This attempted ***
is just an isolated incident.
[ Shouting Questions ]
Mr.
Johnson
I´m Stevens,
Miss Streep´s driver.
This was the third attempt
on her life
this month.
Really? I didn´t know.
Thanks, Stu.
There´s only one
star here today
and that´s the man
who saved my life
Mr.
Notch Johnson.
[ Shouting Questions ]
Their mouth-to-mouth
is turning into monkey business.
No, it´s not like that.
Notch saved her life,
that´s all.
Yo, yo, yo, guys.
I have got to find
a way to raise money
for Beaches in da Hood.
Jamaica, who are these beaches?
It´s my foundation.
I talk to inner city kids
about what it´s like
at the beach.
This year,
I´m bringing postcards
and a bucket of sand.
So how can we raise money?
We can´t do another
car wash like last year.
Uhh! What a disaster!
That car wash was a big,
soapy bust.
Word.
There´s nothing
between me and Notch
and I doubt very much
that Notch is a bachelor.
A bachelor?
[ Music Plays ]
[ Applause ]
Thank you.
I love Beaches in da Hood
because it makes
much more sense
bringing the beach
to the ghetto
than shoving all
those folks up here.
Thank you.
We´ve got some terrific
bachelors here tonight
and I know one
I´ll be bidding on.
[ Audience Cheers ]
B.
J.
, do me a favor.
Whatever the mayor
bids for me
outbid her!
Chip, I don´t have any money.
Please.
Fine.
And now, our host
for the evening
a great lifeguard
and a fine, hardworking
black African American
person of color
Jamaica St.
Croix.
[ Applause ]
[Jamaica ]
Thank you!
Whoo! This evening
is something
I´ve been looking
forward to for years
cause, uh, it´s my chance
to sell some white people.
[ Laughter]
Whoo!
But seriously
our first bachelor
is someone we like to call
the Hunker from the Bunker
Mr.
Chip Rommel.
[ Applause ]
Chip´s likes include
bodybuilding
cycling
and historical denial.
[ Applause ]
[ Applause ]
Let´s finish this now.
One thousand dollars
and that´s my final bid.
[Jamaica ] Whoo wee!
A thousand dollars, going once
going twice--
One thousand and one dollar.
Sold, to B.
J.
Cummings
for one thousand
and one dollars!
[ Applause ]
Fine.
Take him
but if I find out you
haven´t paid for him, B.
J.
you´ll be down on your knees.
So.
And now for the man
you´ve all
been waiting for
Mr.
Notch Johnson!
[ Applause ]
Let´s start the bidding
for Notch at--
I bid one hundred
thousand dollars.
Huh?
[ Shouts And Applause ]
[ Announcer]
Dateline, Hollywood.
Actress Regina Streep
is back in the chips
with movie offers galore.
That is
since international
playboy and lifeguard
Notch Johnson
plucked the wet Regina
from the water.
I love the beach at dawn.
Stevens, wait for us in the car.
Regina
there have been other incidents,
haven´t there?
Maybe
but that was before
you came into my life.
Now let´s talk about us.
Whoa.
Back off, Hollywood.
I´m not that easy.
Should have known.
Maybe another time.
Stevens, start the car.
[ Engine Starts ]
Aah!
Stevens! Not Stevens!
Notch, someone´s trying to kill me.
I don´t want to die!
Nobody´s going to die.
I´m going to be your bodyguard.
´´ Last night,
in Malibu Adjacent
a man was blown
up.
No trace was found of Stevens
actress Regina Streep´s driver.
At the time, Miss Streep
was with Notch Johnson
having hot sex.
´´
Oh, please.
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
What? What´s so funny?
Kimberlee, you obviously
have a crush on Notch.
Notch and Kimberlee
sitting on the tree
Kah-e-s-s-e-n-gay
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Guys, trust me.
I do not have a crush
on Notch Johnson.
Yes, I had them all in tears.
You´d be very proud.
Come on.
And, um, are they making an offer?
Back!
But they liked me?
They really liked me?
Oh! That´s wonderful news, darling.
Ha ha ha!
What? What is it?
Did they find Stevens´ killer?
No, but I´m being considered
to play opposite Bruce Willis
in Die Hard 5!
That´s terrific,
but what about Stevens?
Oh, God.
There I go again
thinking about my career.
I´m so ashamed.
Notch, come inside.
I think I need
to get away from it all.
[ Squawk ]
I´ve got to get out
of these clothes.
Regina, do you have any idea
who might be trying to kill you?
I don´t know.
Stevens said there were notes.
I think they´re on the credenza.
The table.
What an idiot.
Who spells ***
with a ´´W´´?
Notch.
I need something
to take my mind off of it all.
You´re very beautiful.
Take me, lifeguard.
It´s not that simple,
Hollywood.
Is there someone else?
Her name was Mary.
We were very much in love.
Until that shark came along.
He could´ve gone for me
but instead he went
for my beautiful
[ Sobs ] Mary.
[ Crying ]
Why did the shark
go after Mary?
You see, Regina,
sharks love blood
and what Mary
didn´t tell me was
her friend was in town.
Her friend?
Her Aunt Flo.
The red menace?
Her feminine cycle.
[ Crying ]
It was the worst period
of my life.
Maybe I can help you forget.
That´s a pretty good start.
You don´t have my money
for Beaches in da Hood?
- Uh-uh.
- Uh-uh?
Well, I did get
All right.
You´re off the hook.
[ Sighs ]
Like hell they are!
Now, listen, you two.
You have six hours
to pay St.
Croix
and if you don´t
her new foundation will be called
Beaches in the Prison.
Grr.
Boy,Jamaica
I´d hate to see someone
stick you in the poky.
What is it?
Got food for the lady.
That´s odd.
My lunch is usually
made by Wolfgang Puck.
This is from some other restaurant.
Do you think it could be poison?
Yeah, normally, Regina, I don´t believe
in the testing on animals
but, uh, yeah,
let´s see what happens.
Huh?
This lunch tastes like crap.
This is poison.
*** you.
Aah!
That´s Stevens.
But I thought he was blown
up.
Someone tried to poison me
but thankfully, Notch Johnson
once again saved my life.
Can you tell us anything
else about this incident?
I think we´re
about finished here.
Thanks for coming.
I want to be alone, darling.
Honey, anybody that wants
to enter this trailer
will have to enter me first.
[ Reporter] Regina, excuse me!
[ Shouting Questions ]
Notch, we need to talk.
- OK.
- OK.
Who are you?
I didn´t ask for my plants
to be watered.
I didn´t think
it was safe to be here.
Don´t worry.
I told that moron
I wanted to be alone.
I couldn´t stand the thought of you
with that idiot anymore.
You can´t imagine
how disgusting it was.
During sex,
he shouts his own name.
Regina, being here is risky.
Surely you didn´t call me up
just to watch you drink.
Shut up and read.
Ah.
´´In addition
to Regina Streep
AngelineJolie
is also up for the lead
in Die Hard 5.
´´
AngelineJolie is a hack!
I´m a real star.
That part will put me
back on top where I belong
once I get some
much-needed publicity.
More publicity?
It´ll be the story
of the century.
Notch Johnson is going to die
trying to save Regina Streep.
How´s he gonna die?
You´re going to kill him
and make it look
like an accident.
I won´t do it.
Yes, you will.
Chip, you were supposed
to have the laundry done
an hour ago.
I´m sorry.
I´ve been trying
to raise money
so I don´t have
to go on that date
with the mayor.
But, Chip, all we have
are these skimpy towels
and neither one of us is
wearing any underwear.
OK, OK.
I´m hurrying.
All I have to do
is add detergent.
- [ Buzzes ]
- [Jamaica ] It´s about time.
[ Gasps ]
Chip, what happened
to our suits?
I must have put bleach
in the washer by accident.
Now what´re we gonna do?
Ugh.
Our shift
starts in two minutes.
And we can´t go out there
in these skimpy towels.
Neither one of us
is wearing any underwear.
Stevens is alive?
But the car exploded.
It sounds crazy,
but I saw him.
He disguised himself
as a food delivery man
by wearing a mask.
Hmm.
Look, I´m just sayin´
I think you should be careful.
What are people going to think?
I just hope these suits
don´t get us fired.
Wait, wait!
I´ll tell Notch
it was all my fault
right before my date
with the mayor.
Excuse me, where did you get
that bathing suit?
Actually, it was an accident.
See, Chip here--
It´s so cool!
I´ll give you $1 00
for it right now.
Hey, I love that suit.
I´ll give you 1 50.
Ooh, do I hear 200?
[ Notch ] Yeah, I thought
about joining the academy.
[ Sobbing ]
Ugh!
Regina, what´s wrong?
It´s nothing.
I´m fine.
Hey, I´m your bodyguard,
damn it.
Now, what´s the problem?
I´m doing a dangerous stunt today
and I´m afraid the murderer´s
going to kill me.
I don´t want to die.
[ Sobbing ]
Just be careful.
I´ll do the stunt, Hollywood.
No, Notch.
I wouldn´t dream of it.
Nobody dies on my watch.
I´m doing the stunt!
Oh, Chip.
I´m ready for my date
and by the looks of your shorts,
you are, too.
Jamaica, here´s a check for $1 ,000.
Jamaica, why take
a check for 1 ,000
when you could have
Chip, where did you get
such a huge ***?
Let´s just say we had
a nice day at the bleach.
[ Laughing ]
Tread water, Halibut.
I´m coming for you.
Cut!
Oh, Regina,
that was perfect.
Perfect, dear.
We got your close-up.
Is Notch here to do the real stunt?
Indeed, I am!
Just tell me where
to land this thing.
Notch is ready!
I´m ready to go!
Fishermen are ready!
OK, people, here we go.
Be careful, my darling.
I love you so much.
And action!
[ Director]
Notch is in the air!
The fishermen see him.
Regina sees the fishermen.
The fishermen aim their guns
and they fire!
[ Gunshots ]
Uhh!
Aah!
Oh, my God.
Notch has been shot.
Oh! Oh, he´s dead.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
The killer replaced the blanks
with real bullets.
[ Spitting ]
Actually, I´m OK.
What?
I mean, oh!
Oh, thank heaven.
Excuse me, Regina.
How did you know
those bullets were real?
Well, I--
Regina
did you know that I have
perfect ***?
Well, I do.
Firm, round, supple
easy on the eyes,
and smooth to the touch.
Too bad they´re fake.
Unh!
[ Gasps ]
You´ll find those real bullets
that Regina knew about
in there.
And
no doubt one of
these fishermen is
- Stevens!
- Hey!
Oh.
Is--
Unh!
Is
Stevens!
It was her idea!
I´m ready for my close-up,
Mr.
Scorsese.
Who are you talking to?
Book her!
Attempted *** One.
Beautiful night, huh, Notch?
Ah.
That moon sure is smilin´ at us.
Uh, Kimberlee, I--
I can´t thank you enough.
Oh, I´m a lifeguard.
It´s my job.
Well, it´s not every day
you fall in love
with someone
only to find out she´s
trying to kill you.
Don´t worry,
you´ll find someone new.
I don´t know.
First Mary and now Regina.
Notch, you can´t be afraid.
You deserve a really great woman.
Well, uh, thanks
for the advice.
Uh, Notch, you have another
piece of driftwood in your shorts.
Huh?
Yeah, driftwood.
I´ll, uh--
I´ll take care of that
when I get home.
Well, good night.