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ALL: Hi.
You remember my super racist parrot Tyler.
What's up?
Best entrance ever, girl.
I realized that Tyler was just racist
'cause he didn't have any other interests other than racism.
(SQUAWKS) I hate the Indians.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, he's a big White Sox fan.
(SQUAWKS) I hate Native Americans, too.
On behalf of all Navajo Cubs fans, I say not cool, bird.
(SQUAWKS)
Now why would you bring your bird into a diner?
Wait. I don't know why I'm surprised.
I once saw you put sunscreen on a grape
'cause you didn't want it to become a raisin.
I'm taking Tyler home from my store
because I'm going to the Rom-Com Con.
This weekend, I am gonna be rubbing elbows
with the who's who of romantic comedy.
Ooh! On Saturday, there's a special appearance
MAX: Oh.
Impersonator, former Kentucky Derby winner, Pretty Woman.
Still a big get.
It's gonna be awesome, all right?
Are you sure you don't want to go, Brad?
(SINGSONGY) It's in Detroit.
Ooh! Detroit!
Sorry. Money's tight. Had to cut back on all my cons.
Rom-Com Con, Chaka Khan Con,
Bond Con...
(IMITATES SEAN CONNERY) James Bond con.
I wish they had conventions for stuff I like,
like Miss Saigon Con or Butter Pecan Con.
(TYLER SQUAWKS)
♪ That didn't exactly work con ♪
Oh, how about a con for the drunk guy
that's about to get into a fight?
"Oh, it's on" Con.
Oh! What about a con for the guy that's about to get
into a fight with that drunk guy?
"Oh, it's on" Con? "Oh, it's on con like Donkey Kong con."
(ALL LAUGH)
What about one for the girl who's throwing the party,
doesn't want those guys to mess up her parents' house,
so, "Damn it, Ron,
"why can't you and Jon fight out on the lawn Con?"
BRAD: Ohh!
(SQUAWKS)
Whoa!
Oh, you know, I've got one, too.
Yeah, please. Get in on this.
Shut the (BLEEP) up.
Huh.
Oh.
Con?
Yeah.
That's good.
A little hostile. It's a little hostile, but it's good.
Guys, I wrote a song for Alex
because I'm gonna miss her so much this weekend,
so let me know what you think.
Oh, you're just gonna... You're just gonna play it
Right here in the bar.
♪ Al, I miss you, you're the only one
(WHISPERS) Sorry.
♪ I wish I knew how to make you come
♪ Home to me
♪ Home to me
♪ Come, come ♪
That is an odd way to phrase that.
I thought so, too. "Back to me" instead of "home to me"?
I gotta tell you, bro,
writing some lame song for a skeeze ***...
That's weak sauce.
You gotta be like me. Fly solo. Love is an illusion.
It's like my friend Prison Johnny always says to me
through the glass, "Don't get attached to anything
"that you can't walk away from in 30 seconds
"if the heat starts a-coming."
Isn't that last part just a quote from the movie Heat?
Actually, no, David. It's a direct quote from my original screenplay
Heat 2: It's Getting Hot Up In Hurr.
And, yes, I wrote an original screenplay
because I have all the alone time in the world.
Thank you for rubbing it in.
Max. Max!
Excuse me, people enjoying each other.
Wow.
That is what 275 pounds of lonely looks like.
Yeah. He's not having much luck in the dude department lately.
We need to set him up with someone.
Yes.
Oh! I got the perfect guy.
Please. You don't know how to set anyone up. (CHUCKLES)
I am a master matchmaker.
I have brokered three marriages.
One against their will, but you know what?
Sanjay is gonna learn to love Padma... (WHISPERS) Eventually.
Well, your guy, my guy... Doesn't really matter.
All that matters is that Max is happy.
Of course. Let's let him decide to probably choose my guy.
My guy. My guy.
My guy. My guy.
I'm not gonna do this with you. This is childish.
And unlike you, I don't have to be the one
who gets in the last word.
♪ Your guy will suck greatly ♪
Ahhh!
(GLASS SHATTERS)
My guy.
Al, Dave just texted.
He's picking you up in 10 minutes to go to the airport.
He says, "Get ready to come
"downstairs because there's no parking."
Isn't it?
Tell him Annie Hall will be right down.
Oh!
I'm totally gonna win the costume contest this year.
You look great.
And I can do the impression.
(IMITATING DIANE KEATON) Oh, boy. La-dee-da. La-dee-da.
Oh, jeez. *** Allen. (LAUGHS)
You look great.
Al, here are a couple of (CLEARS THROAT)
dozen things I need you to get signed and authenticated,
you know, if you have time.
Whoa. That is a lot of stuff.
I'm gonna go get my camping duffel.
Sweet.
Brad, you have an alarming amount of memorabilia.
(SCOFFS) This is just Overboard.
It's not just Overboard.
It's the unseen director's cut of Overboard...
...where Goldie Hawn doesn't learn her lesson in the end
and decides to be rich and alone. It's priceless.
Yeah.
Give me the tape.
Um, no. No. No.
(LAUGHS)
(BOTH GASP)
Oh, no!
Oh. This is the plate
that Alex made of her hand when we were little.
She loves this plate.
She still eats birthday cake off it every night.
What are we gonna... Wait. She eats birthday cake every night?
Just blow past that. Okay, look, let's hide it,
and then we'll fix it after she's gone.
And don't worry. No one will even know that you broke it.
E-squeeze? You broke it, Penny.
Uh, counter-squeeze. You broke it, Brad.
(SQUAWKS)
You broke it, Brad. You broke it, Penny.
BOTH: (GASP) A witness.
Sorry, guys. This is all I could find.
(SQUAWKS) You broke it, Brad. You broke it, Penny.
Wait. What did he say?
He said I broke, uh, the glass ceiling.
That's right. I'll climb that corporate ladder in a skirt.
And I don't even care who looks up it,
'cause I keep my yard tidy.
And those are my choices. You know, equality.
(STAMMERS) Yeah, and, uh, I broke the record
for, um, having the shortest temper.
Now you better go on that damn trip!
Get out of here, you.
*** me off.
Better go have some fun right now!
(LAUGHS) Have fun. Bye.
You guys.
Bye. Bye. bye. Bye.
(BOTH INHALE AND EXHALE DEEPLY)
(SQUAWKS)
What do you idiots want?
How did you know we were here?
I smell testosterone. And, Dave, you smell like peppers, bud.
Oh. (SNIFFS)
Mmm.
Dave and I couldn't help but notice that you were acting
like a lonely little *** the other night.
I am not lonely. I was just venting.
I say a lot of things I don't mean, like, "I'll pay you back"
or "I'm good to drive."
Come on, Max. We want to set you up.
I got a great guy, Ben.
He's in my drum and my jerk circle.
It's my amateur jerky-making group.
So it's when you and a bunch of your chef friends
bring your meat down to a circle and just jerk together?
That's it, exactly.
Anyway, my guy is the ta-tas.
He's in my spin class, he's an I-banker,
and he drives a crossover vehicle, so, yeah, he's white.
Okay. My guy, Jane's guy...
It doesn't matter. We just want you to be happy.
But my guy is better.
Exactly. Let us make you happy with my guy.
My guy.
I am so happy.
I am quite fulfilled.
In fact, I actually have
a very busy weekend ahead of me.
Oh, no.
Uh, what are you... What are you doing this weekend?
Well, if you must know,
I'm about to mount an all-dead-fly-from- my-windowsill
production of Pippin, so...
Yeah. I'm into whatever you guys got cooking.
Yay. (WHISPERS) No.
You broke it, Brad. You broke it, Penny.
Brad, don't worry about Tyler.
We glue this baby back together,
and it won't matter what that damn bird says.
Ugh. Where'd you get this stuff?
These glue fumes are making me feel all gooey.
It's from my super. It's industrial strength.
He said he only says he uses it to forget the past.
Three school buses he crashed.
It's perfect.
Wait. Alex did this when she was five?
Her hands were gigantic.
Okay, Alex, give me your hand.
(GASPS)
Et voila.
You can barely tell it was broken.
We did it!
(LAUGHS)
Suck it, Tyler.
♪ Suck it forever, Tyler
(FALSETTO VOICE) ♪ Suck it, suck it, Tyler
(LAUGHS) ♪ Squawk about us now
♪ Squawk about us now, baby, squawk about us now
♪ Squawk about us, now, baby, squawk about us ♪
Oh! (GASPS)
Taking a nap, buddy?
Tuckered out from all that racism?
Someone's pooped.
(BABY VOICE) Someone's pooped.
(BABY VOICE) Ty-Ty's a little ti-ti, aren't you?
Looks like our little baby-waby... (BLABBERING)
(NORMAL VOICE) He's dead.
Ahhh!
Come on. Clear. Huh!
Clear!
Oh!
You can't just poke him with a pencil and say "Clear."
We need defibrillators.
Well, I don't have bird defibrillators, now do I, Penny?
I saw 'em in the SkyMall catalog,
but, no, I just had to get my marshmallow gun.
Damn you, Brad! Damn you to hell!
Face it, Brad. Tyler's dead.
Yeah, 'cause your stupid glue killed him.
And now Alex is gonna totally know it's our fault
when she reads the bird autopsy.
That's not a real thing!
Now I need you to shush so I can think.
Okay. We need to cover this up. We need to cover this up.
What would Kerry Washington do in Scandal?
Demand to see the president, then almost make out with him.
Exactly.
I know. (LAUGHS)
We make it seem like he flew out of the window.
That's brilliant! Why didn't I think of that?
Oh, right, because his wings are clipped, you dunce!
Ow!
But if his wings are clipped, we can make it look like
he fell out of the window.
Now that's brilliant. (CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS)
You know, the first two slaps I get, no notes on those.
But the third? Like, our ideas were pretty similar.
If anything, I got us in the area.
Congratulations, Brad.
You pitched an area.
Hey, dum-dums. So you remember how you two dum-dums
pitched me the idea of setting me up,
and at first, I was like, "What a couple of dum-dums"?
But I think I might've found a guy I really like.
Oh, hell, yeah!
Which is why I came over here to give you each
a choice bottle of wine to say thank you.
Then I remembered
those choice bottles of wine I speak of,
I stole them from that wine rack.
So mentioning wine at all would just
raise more questions than the gesture was worth.
Uh, I'm over here biting my nails. Who'd you choose?
Did you choose Ben or Jamie?
Can I get a drumroll, please?
Neither of 'em. Did not care for either of 'em.
But during the second disaster of a date,
I did meet a super cute bartender named Marcus.
We have all the same interests.
Love Ryan Reynolds, hate Ryan Reynolds' movies.
So I'm seeing him tonight.
Yay!
That is awesome.
Thanks, guys. Thank you.
Thrilled for you, Max.
But can we just put it in reverse for a sec
and just go back to that little thing about you
not really caring for either of our guys?
Uh, specifically, my guy Ben.
Hmm. (CLICKS TEETH) Ben. Yeah.
You know, Ben just wasn't my type.
He also weirdly reminded me of someone.
You get John Mayer's latest?
That guy starts at love and just floors it.
I love the shape of your face.
Whoa.
(CHUCKLES) I mean, that line is a boxer-dropper
if ever I heard one.
But who is it... Who is it that he reminds you of?
Well, it seems like Dave's guy has deuced the futon.
But what could possibly be wrong with my guy?
Jamie? (CLICKS TONGUE) He just wasn't my type either,
to tell you the truth.
Really?
I've taken the liberty of writing up our date itinerary.
It's laminated, so no worries if you spill salsa on it.
But don't.
Seriously, don't.
(CLATTER)
Is it?
But that is not what matters.
What matters is that you and your new friend, Marcus, are happy.
So jazzed for you.
So jazzed for you, Max.
Great. Well, I got to skedaddle.
Meeting Marcus later.
And let me tell you, I plan on wining, dining, and 79'ing him.
And, yes, if you're wondering, that is 10 better.
BRAD: Oh. Ooh.
All right, Brad, let's get our stories straight.
Tired of Alex's diverse group of friends,
Tyler finally decided to make a break for it.
Leaving behind
this trail of feathers, he made his way to the window,
pausing only to poo
on this Newsweek with Obama on the cover.
(DEEPENED VOICE) Butt full of bigotry.
Then he pecked through the screen, leaving behind this...
Cartoonish, parrot-shaped hole?
(WHINES) Brad, you had one job.
Maybe I made enough room for my conscience to fit through.
Ugh. Okay, whatever.
He pecked through the screen, tried to fly, but couldn't,
and then fell to his death. It's the perfect crime.
Now the only thing left is one of us
needs to toss this guy into the dumpster. Nice and easy.
Yep, just, uh, take that nasty, dead bird
and throw him in the trash. Easy-peasy.
(CHUCKLES)
BOTH: Ew! Ew! Ew!
(BOTH SCREAM)
(THUDS)
Oh.
To Max and his new guy Marcus.
So, so, so, so happy for Max.
You know what thought I just cannot shake, though,
is how did Max and Jamie not hit it off?
Delete Jamie and replace him with Ben,
and you've got what's going on inside my noodle.
I mean, tether me back to earth here,
but Jamie is a catch.
Great legs, awesome take charge personality.
Max needs that.
And call me crazy, but Ben is a dream, right?
I mean, (IN SPANISH ACCENT) describe me loco,
(NORMAL ACCENT) but what is Max thinking?
I mean, up is down, acoustic guitars are lame,
Mayer is bad?
I mean, when did we all turn on Mayer?
Well... Pretty much right off the bat.
But you know, the more we talk about Ben and Jamie,
the more I see that you and I, without realizing it,
set Max up with two guys that are exactly like
two of the best dudes in town.
Thank you. And who is this Marcus guy?
I mean, that name...
Oh. God, it sounds black.
Which is the only thing I like about it.
Otherwise, I hate that guy.
But, we are missing the point.
Max is happy.
Yes. That is all that matters.
Max is happy.
To Max.
Still...
Mmm-hmm.
Mmm.
How can you eat bird right now?
I can't eat. I can't sleep.
All I hear is Tyler.
(SQUAWKS) You killed me.
But a white guy would've killed me better. (WHISTLES)
Maybe we should just confess to Alex.
Hey, lady, the only way we get caught
is if you blow this for us, so just keep it together.
Fine. I won't sing.
But there's no way anyone in the world is stupid enough
to believe that bird fell out the window.
(SQUAWKS)
(SOBBING) Tyler's dead.
Oh, my God. I am so sorry.
What a terrible accident, I'm assuming.
I have no idea what happened. The screen was popped open,
there was feathers everywhere.
He dropped some farewell heat on my Obama Newsweek.
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Not the Newsweek.
Dark days. Dark days.
But you need to move on.
My advice would be to not ask anyone any questions
about anything at all ever again.
It's called closure.
You know what? You're right. Yes, you're right.
Sweet, sweet closure.
These are dang good. (CHUCKLES)
Of course, the real closure will come
when I get the autopsy report back.
Lord have mercy.
I don't like talking about my sex dreams that much, but it was me,
Jeff Van Gundy, and Stan Van Gundy.
I had Jeff coaching me on defense,
and Stan coaching me on offense.
Max, I didn't know you come here.
We spend half our lives here, Jane.
Me? Just hanging out with Jamie.
Great guy, by the way.
He said he is dying to go on another date with you,
and then boom, fate takes the wheel
and parallel parks us next to you...
And your doughy friend.
Actually, Jane,
you said it was Max who was dying to go out with me.
Max, are you dating this guy?
Who? Neil Patrick Niles? No.
Max, I did not know that you come here.
You mind if me and Mr. Wonderful circle up?
Yeah, I mind. I mind a lot.
(IMITATES SPANISH ACCENT) We doing single sangrias
or should I order el carafe?
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
JAMIE: None for me.
I don't put Spanish beverages in French containers
because I'm not, as you would probably say, muy gauche.
JANE: (LAUGHS) Plus fruit garnishes carry more diseases
than Kevin Smith's refrigerator handle.
Okay, what's going on here?
JANE: Allow me.
Our buddy max here makes terrible decisions,
but luckily, we know what's best for him.
Well, when you guys decide who you want max to date,
just let me know.
No. Come on, Marcus.
Marcus, this is a bit of an overreaction.
I mean, this happens to everybody. Well...
I hope you two idiots are happy.
I told you, I never wanted to date Jamie or Ben ever.
Harsh barley, bro.
Is it? Is it harsh barley?
What is wrong with Ben and Jamie?
They're you.
What?
Are you kidding? Look at yourselves.
I think you got all the germs, guys.
And I got Jack Johnson one and Jack Johnson two over here.
Appreciate it.
I don't know how to make this any clearer to you guys,
but I would never date anyone even remotely like you two.
You wanted me to be happy? I almost was,
and then you ruined it. So if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go home, hard-boil an egg,
and eat it on the toilet.
L'chaim.
Oops.
Yeah.
(WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY)
Thank you guys so much for paying your respects.
Tyler would be so touched that you're here.
Well, not you, Brad.
Of course. So, uh, (EXHALES DEEPLY)
did you get the autopsy report or...
Brad, she doesn't want to talk about that now.
Yeah, but I haven't read it yet. Just too sad.
Mmm. Mmm.
Oh. Tyler's friends are here.
(WHISTLES) White power.
I should go and say hello. Excuse me.
Yeah.
Oh, my God. We gotta come clean now. Please, can we come clean?
Shush!
She will never know anything
if she never reads the autopsy report.
That's why you are gonna find it and destroy it.
What if it was e-mailed to her as a PDF?
How do you destroy a PDF? It's in the clouds.
I don't control the clouds. I'm not Thor!
(WHINES)
Now, go. Be a man.
(WHISPERS) I'll go find it. Ugh!
Well, matchmaker, matchmaker.
You know, I'd storm out right now if my love for funeral food
wasn't greater than my hatred for two selfish jerks.
Max, we're sorry that we screwed things up.
I mean, we really do want you to be happy.
Which is why we tracked Marcus down,
explained to him what happened,
and told him he'd be lucky to date a guy like you.
Wow. You guys, thank you.
That's awesome. What, should I call him or...
No.
No. No. No. No. No.
No, no, no. He was pretty upset.
It actually escalated into a pretty tense situation.
Dave here threw what he maintains is a punch,
but it looked more like a figure-skating twirl, like a...
Well, it's called a haymaker,
which Marcus promptly turned into a devastating arm bar,
but the good news is I finally get to get
that Tommy John surgery I've always wanted, so,
win-win.
Look, we're sorry that we tried to set you up
with a couple of lame-os like us.
Guys, you're not lame.
I mean, you are lame,
but it's cool. And the reason I don't want
to date anyone like the two of you
is because my pantry's already stocked
with an awesome Dave and a kick-*** Jane
and a rat that can eat through aluminum cans
that I will kill with these hands.
Hey, bring it in, guys.
(GROANS)
Mmm. Mmm.
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Tommy John.
(WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY)
(SIGHS)
Yes!
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Ahhh!
Could you please join us?
I'd like to say a few words about Tyler.
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Uh-huh.
Everybody, please, join me.
(INSTRUMENTAL AMAZING GRACE PLAYING)
We are all here to remember Tyler,
a huge racist
and an even huger-er friend.
He will be missed.
(VOICE BREAKING) This is so hard.
His death is particularly troubling to me
because I don't think it was an accident.
I know that there was a human hand at work in his death.
And that human hand was...
Me! Us. Me and Brad. We did it.
We're so sorry. Tyler was killed
from the glue fumes used to fix your hand plate.
Also, we broke your hand plate.
Also you had huge hands as a kid.
And I'm sorry about that, too.
(WHISPERS) We're so sorry.
So sorry.
Wait. You guys killed Tyler?
Wait. I thought that's what you were gonna say.
Who did you think it was?
Me. Before I went to the Rom-Com Con, Tyler and I got
into a big argument about what constitutes
a celebrity apprentice all-star.
I said Melissa Rivers. He said Joseph Goebbels.
(STAMMERS) I don't know. I just thought he was so upset
that he decided to commit suicide.
I see how you got there.
I can't believe you two.
You killed my parrot with glue fumes?
(VOICE BREAKS) I said I'm sorry.
Look at this. "Cause of death, liver damage."
(SOBBING)
"Systemic organ failure"? Oh. Lovely.
"Due to excessive alcohol consumption"? What?
Who gave him alcohol? Huh?
(COUGHS) Look at the TV.
What?
(ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
Oh! That.
(CHUCKLES) I had to give Tyler 'ritas. It was taco Tuesday.
He hated Mexicans, but he loved their food.
These hands are clean.
Welp, to Tyler.
Yes.
Hell, no! I will not toast to that bird.
He is racist!
You know, one time he saw me get out of a town car
and asked me what team I played for?
Sounds like him.
(ALL LAUGH)
DAVE: ♪ Tyler, I miss you, you're the only one
♪ I wish I knew how to make you come
♪ Home to me
♪ Why don't you come, come, come, come
♪ Come, come, come, come
♪ Come, come, come, come, come
♪ Home to me
♪ Tyler, come home ♪