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Hi, guys.
Oh, hey, Dad.
Your cappuccinoto go.
Holiday cookies,
anyone?
Oh...
Oh...
Yes, I believe
I will. Thank you.
No, not for me.
Watching your weight?
Yeah, and it's killing me.
But the other night,
Ronee made a comment
about my "bowl full of jelly. "
Well, everyone puts on
a few this time of year.
Everyone doesn't sit around
reading the newspaper
actually slurping
from a bowl full of jelly.
Well, you look great
to me, Martin.
Thanks.
Merry Christmas.
Oh... Eddie and I
must have walked
about three miles.
I'm sweating like a pig.
What the hell are you doing?
I am saving that seat
for someone
who may not wish to have it
bedewed with pig sweat.
Frasier?
Oh, Natalie!
Hi.
Hello.
This is my father,
Martin Crane.
Natalie Blanc
of the Seattle
Tourism Board.
She wants me to do
a promo for them.
He was just leaving.
Oh, that little dog is adorable.
Yes, and he's smart
as a chimp, too.
Off you go.
Oh...
Please...
It's so lovely
to finally meet you.
Thank you, thank you.
Have a seat.
So... tell me
about this promo.
Well, it's
pretty simple.
It begins with you at home
on the couch.
And you say...
"Anybody feel
like taking a walk?
Then come to Seattle. "
And then we see you walking
at the Space Needle, the beach,
the fish market...
But we do all of that
with special effects.
It should only take a couple
of hours tomorrow.
So... are you in?
I'm in.
You know, it's funny.
When you called me at
the last minute, there was
a small, madly insecure
part of me
that wondered if I was
your second choice.
No, you weren't the second.
Nice meeting you.
You, too.
Oh...
Oh, that dog
is so precious.
Yes, there are times I could
just squeeze him to death.
You know,
maybe he should be
in the spot with you.
Eddie in a commercial?
Mm-hmm.
It's called a spot, Dad.
You look so perfect
together.
He could just sit next
to you on the couch.
Well...
I suppose
there's no harm
in a little
window dressing.
The director will love i
t. I'll call him right now.
Oh, I don't believe it.
Eddie's first TV spot.
Oh, knock it off.
You didn't even know that term
'til ten seconds ago.
Hey, Fras.
How'd the big shoot go?
Well, it went splendidly, Dad.
I thought you were going
with Niles to the airport
to get Freddy.
Yeah, I decided to stay home
and do some decorating.
Ah, yes,
the magical time of year
when the Great Wall of China
and my apartment are
the only two man-made structures
visible from space.
I must say
I'm really excited
about seeing Freddy
this trip.
Whatcha got planned?
Oh, gosh, everything
from whale watching to a trip
to the garlic festival.
(doorbell ringing)
Niles, Daphne...
Where's Frederick?
Actually, he insisted
on taking his own elevator.
(chuckling):
Oh, priceless.
Just when you're worried
that he's on the brink
of terrible teendom,
there he is,
still just a little boy
who wants to play
in the elevator.
(laughing)
Hey, Dad.
There he is.
(screams)
Nice greeting, Dad.
Freddy, why are you
dressed like this?
w.
He's a Goth no
You all don't have to treat me
like I'm some kind of freak.
No, we're not, Freddy.
It's great to see you.
Maybe you could move up that
trip to the garlic festival.
Listen, Frederick,
I don 't understand.
Um, the Goths
were plunderers.
Apart from your tendency
to be overaggressive
with your rooks at chess camp,
I don't see the connection.
It's just what
I'm into now, okay?
Me, my friend Andi...
a bunch of us.
But if you don't get i
t, you don't get it.
We get it.
It's wonderful.
FRASIER:
I didn't mean
anything by it.
I simply thought...
Oh, dear God!
Well, thank you, Lilith
for mentioning
this little development.
Oh, it's just a phase.
All teenagers go through
a rebellious period.
It always passes.
You should have seen me
at that age.
Dating the older boys,
hitchhiking, drinking,
shoplifting...
Do you know I can carry
a frozen turkey
between my knees?
That'll come in handy
if we ever misplace our
serving platter at Thanksgiving.
Hey, and didn't you tell m
e you went streaking?
Well, I had shin splints
at the time
so it was really more
of a brisk nude walk.
What did you do, Niles?
How did you rebel?
Oh, the usual ways.
Thank you, Niles.
Like what?
Oh, like what?
Well... uh...
Never happened, Niles.
Your mother and I
kept waiting for it.
I find it hard to believe
that I never...
Nope, nope.
You were one of those good kids.
One time I found
a bag of something
that looked suspicious
in your dresser,
but it turned out
to be something
just to make
your sweaters smell nice.
Well, one time...
Face it, Niles.
You just didn't
have it in you to be bad.
Well...
(gasps)
Freddy, hi.
Listen, I was thinking
maybe we could
take in a movie tonight.
Can't, Dad. I made plans
with my friend Andi.
Your friend Andi
from school is here?
Yeah, visiting relatives.
We're seeing a movie.
(doorbell rings)
But you just got here.
We've got all week, okay?
Be cool.
Hey.
Hey.
Well, see ya.
Well, at least he's not dating
outside the faith.
Excuse me, are you
using this chair?
Wow.
Doesn't that's have
a familiar ring to it.
The weary holiday traveler
and his pregnant wife seeking
kindness from a stranger.
Frasier?
I'm afraid I am, yes. So...
Hi, hi.
Hello!
Hi, come and sit.
Thank you.
I'm so glad I ran into you.
Oh!
Um, cappuccino to go, please.
Oh...
The ad agency
loves the spot.
Oh!
Apparently, they got
quite creative with it.
I'll messenger you a copy.
Oh, that's wonderful news.
Listen, I realize
you're dashing off,
but do you think we could
celebrate tonight over a drink?
Sure. How about, uh...
7:00 at Garagiste?
Could you say that again?
Garagiste. You don't know it?
Oh, yes, I do.
I just love hearing you say it.
(laughing)
Oh, Thank you.
Let me get that for you.
Thank you.
I'll see you then.
Yes, take care.
Hello.
Hello.
Well, that was a yummy
little stocking stuffer.
Yes. She's the one
I told you about;
the girl with the accent.
Oh, yes.
God, she could read me
the phone book
and I would melt
like an overripe Camembert.
Imagine what she
would do with that--
(with accent) :
Camembert.
R-R-R-Roquefort.
Reblochon.
Blu.
We're terrible!
(laughs)
Well, at least it will be nice
to have something to do
this evening, for a change.
Yes.
Is Frederick still
spending all his time
with his little ghoul-friend?
Yes.
They're going to a concert
this evening.
Of course, I don't
begrudge him a social life.
It's just that
I feel so rejected.
Mm.
You know, when one has something
they'd clearly rather do
than spend time with you,
it just feels like...
What the hell are you doing?
I'm sorry.
I'm waiting for someone.
Who?
Well, it really bothered me
when Dad said
that I never rebelled.
I mean, I've been
obsessing about it.
What kind of self-respecting
psychiatrist--
not to mention father-to-be--
completely misses one of life'
prime rites of passage?
So, I've decided
to rebel tonight.
Right under Dad's nose.
How?
You ready?
Yes.
You sure?
Positive.
Move your coffee it might...
Niles!
.
I'm getting high on ***
What?
I've waited for this
all my life, Frasier--
one act of utter,
devil-may-care,
crotch-grabbing brazenness.
And, of course, I'll have
a nurse on speed dial
in case things get too hairy.
And exactly
which of your connections
in the Seattle demimonde is
going to get you this ***?
Okay, Niles, you're hooked up.
Well, oh...
Just take a look.
Ah, yes, thick and gooey.
*** in its purest form.
It's a pot brownie
, you idiot.
My neighbor makes them.
Oh.
(car alarm blares)
Damn it.
My car alarm again.
I'll be right back.
Wait! But, Niles...
I can'twait.
I got a date.
You're not leaving
that thing with me.
Oh, come on, Frasier,
just give it to Niles.
No, no, no, I refuse.
Stop that. Stop that.
It is illegal.
I will have nothing to do
with it, for God's sakes.
What do you take me for,
some kind of common drug mule?
Mule is one word for it.
Hi, Dad.
How are you doing?
I'll see you back at home.
All right.
Hey, Martin.
Hi, how you doing, Roz?
Good. How are the holidays
treating you?
Cookie?
Oh, no, just trying to stay away
from things that are bad for me.
Well, that's where you and I
are different.
Can you give this to Niles?
He'll be right back.
Yeah, sure.
Uh, coffee to go, please.
(sighs)
Mmm... mmm.
Mmm... mmm.
(muffled):
Could I have a brownie, please?
Hey, Dad.
Oh, hey, Niles, um, uh...
Roz wanted me
to give you this.
Thank you.
Hey, uh, you going
to be home tonight?
Yeah, I'm walking home
right now.
Oh, good.
I'll see you there
. Have a nice trip.
You, too.
Oh, I will.
(chuckles)
(gasping)
Hi, Dad.
Hey, Freddy.
Oh, Andi.
How was the mall?
Boring.
Except when that fat kid
threw up in Santa's beard.
That was goth.
Oh, the doorman
had this for you.
Oh, this must be
my tourism promo.
I'll tell you what
Why don't we have
a look at it?
I just came to get a jacket.
We're going to the concert.
Oh, come on, Freddy.
You can spare a couple minutes
to check out
your old man's debut
as a spokesman.
All right, where is
that thing? Here we go
(Frasier's voice):
Anybody want to go for a walk?
Then why not come to Seattle?
Oh, dear God.
Where else can you see...
an ocean wave...
a fish fly, a mountain peak...
and the world's largest needle
?
.
Come to Seattle.
Let's go for a walk.
That is so goth.
It is not goth!
It's outrageous.
It's like some hideous
Frankenstein hybrid of me
and that no-talent dog.
Let's go.
By the way, I'm staying
at Andi's tonight.
What?
At her uncle's.
We have plans all day tomorrow.
I'm sorry, Frederick.
You're not staying anywhere.
until I hear
from her uncle first.
Oh, my God!
I'm sorry,
but that is the rule.
Dad!
I'll meet you
downstairs.
Do you know how much
you're embarrassing me?
What's your problem?
My problem is that you've
hardly spent one minute here
since you arrived.
Now you tell you have plans
all day tomorrow.
You're really making me want
to spend time with you now.
I'd like to know
when you're going to be home
Tomorrow, okay?
I'll have her uncle call you.
I never should have come here
in the first place.
NILES:
Freddy.
Hey.
Hey, Frasier.
What's up?
Just another joyous
holiday moment with my son
to be pasted into my scrapbook.
Ah.
Aren't you going
to ask me what's up?
Didn't intend to, no.
I'd like you to.
All right. What's up?
I am.
I'm as high as the Himalayas!
If I were a city in Germany,
I'd be Heidelberg!
Is Dad home yet?
No.
I'll use this opportunity to up my dosage.
Oh, Niles!
You realize this is illegal?
Did you actually drive
yourself here?
I'm a little too toasted
for that, Frasier.
No, the minute
I knew
I was getting baked tonight,
I called a cab.
And I printed my name
and address on a card
in my pocket
in case I'm still too crispy
to speak to the cab driver
taking me home.
I judge by all this
rich terminology
that you've done some research?
Yes, I know all the symptoms
I can expect to experience.
I'm especially looking forward
to something called
the "munchies" stage.
It's where one enjoys
bizarre food combinations.
I'm thinking of pairing
this Chilean sea bass
with an aggressive zinfandel.
And this is all to prove
a point to Dad?
To Dad and for myself.
Don't I have a right
just once
to sip the sweet nectar
of rebellion?
(keys jingling in lock)
(Martin laughing)
I've got to go
put a jacket on
for my date.
Why don't you see
if you can help Dad
at the door?
(laughing continues)
Hi, Niles.
Funny you should
say that.
Yeah, it is!
(both laughing)
Hey, hey, Niles,
let me ask you something.
Do you ever feel
like you'd just like to go straight?
What?
I was walking home
and I kept thinking about all
the turns we have to make.
Right turn, left turn.
How much easier it'd be
if we just could go straight
over the trees,
over a building.
That's what a giant would do.
They should let everybody
be a giant for a day.
(both laughing)
If you had any idea
how strange you seem
to me right now.
Why is everybody
saying that to me?
By the way,
you are welcome.
Oh... For what?
For turning you on
to the best thing
you will ever eat:
Barbecue pudding chips.
No, thanks.
They looked at me funny
in the store, too,
.
but you taste that and tell me
that's not better than a woman
Do you mind?
Oh, I see.
,
Now you're such a big star
that the whole world
has to revolve around you.
Fine.
I'll tell you what.
You just gloat all you like.
This is not over between us.
Why am I putting
these chips in
this pudding?
Well, I was going
to say.
I should be dumping
the pudding
in with the chips.
I've been having these
great ideas all day.
I wrote some of them down.
Here.
What do you think this means?
"Dog army. "
Oh, that cold medicine
I took this morning
is making me feel funny.
I think I'm going to
go sit down for a while.
Whatever.
Ah...
Anybody want to go for a walk?
Sweet mother!
Where else can you see
an ocean wave...
a fish fly...
a mountain peak...
and the world's largest needle
Come to Seattle.
Let's go for a walk.
Eddie?
FRASIER:
I know what
you're doing.
You're sitting
there thinking
you're the king.
Well, you're not.
Niles?!
All right,
I'm off to my date.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
Niles, that knife
is as sharp as a machete.
You should not not be chopping
with it in your condition.
Do that for him, will you, Dad?
I've come dangerously close
to over-braising my chard.
It's almost as if
something dulled
my motor skills.
You sure you don't want
a little of this on the side?
I can scoop around
the Lucky Charms.
No, thanks.
You know me, Dad.
I'm not much of a rebel.
Too much of a Goody Two-shoes.
Hi, Frasier.
p.
MARTIN:
But you've got to open your mind u
That's where all the great
inventions come from.
Like, it used to be people
would eat too much,
their pants would get tight-- big problem.
Then one day,
somebody said,
"Wait a minute.
Why not put elastic
in them?"
Hi, Fras.
Dad, where are your pants?
In the fridge.
I had a reason.
"Fridge pants. "
Dad, when you were
at the cafe today,
you didn't eat a brownie
that Roz brought
for Niles, did you?
Yeah, but I replaced it.
For God's sake!
That was a pot brownie.
You're *** off your ***!
Well, someone must feel
pretty out of it
being the only one here
who isn't completely burnt
Oh, knock it off, you imbecile.
You're as sober as I am.
I knew I was
feeling woozy.
I thought it was
that cold medicine
I took this morning.
It's all right, Dad.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
Dad, are you all right?
Yeah, I'll be fine,
but I better go lie down
before it really hits me.
Come on, boy.
I'll be in the
re in a minute
to check on you.
Oh, suit yourself, Eddie.
Didn't it occur to you
that he was behaving strangely?
I thought it was me.
I thought it was
the Mary Jane talking.
Oh, Niles, please,
will you drop the drug lingo?
Frasier, I feel terrible.
Yes, well, at least
you had a better night
than I did.
Halfway through our date,
Natalie got a phone call.
An emergency at home.
(chuckles ruefully)
I decided to take
a little walk.
20 minutes later I saw her
in a different bar
with another man.
There was no emergency?
Not unless he had
an infected earlobe
which required
an immediate tongue-flicking.
It's beena hell of a Christmas.
I'm so sorry, Frasier.
Truth be told,
I'm most disappointed
about how things
turned with Frederick.
I've just felt us
drifting apart lately,
and I was hoping that...
we could bond again
on this trip.
You may have given him
a wonderful gift
just by letting him
rebel against you.
Something which I am
obviously completely
incapable of achieving.
I'm going home.
You're a good man, Niles.
In a way, isn't that
rebelling against rebellion?
Nice try.
All right, look at it this way.
You did get our cop father
*** tonight.
I did, didn't I?
Yeah.
Hmm.
Oh, madness!
Frederick.
Hey.
What are you doing home?
I thought you were spending
s.
the night at Andi'
I changed my mind. Good night.
Did something happen
at the concert?
No.
Are you sure?
I can't help noticing
your mascara's run a little.
Andi ran into a "friend"
from her old school.
Ah.
Another boy.
She hardly talked to me
the whole night.
I'm sorry, son.
These things happen.
Well, they always stink.
Did it ever happen to you, Dad?
It may have.
Tell you what.
You know,
I've got a box
of that cereal
you used to like.
What do you say
I pour us a bowl
and I'll tell you
a story or two.
It's happened to you
more than once?
(chuckles)
I'll pour you
a big bowl.