Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
There are certain things in this world I’m just not cut out for. One of those things
is fashion consultancy. Anyone who would come to me for a question about which colors go
with which might as well direct their questions to the Pepsi machine outside my studio, who’s
usually less than responsive but seems to advocate a patriotic panoply of red, white,
and blue. I don’t even go that far. So when Mari, a Magical Girl, came to me for direction
in her quest for a decent coordination, I was completely lost from the get-go. Sure,
she tried to make it easy on me, by distinguishing each parameter into easy-to-understand stats
and incorporating a level-up system much like an RPG. Still, it did me no good. My apologies,
magical-girl Mari and Felicity in Worcestershire. Kisekae Monogatari got the better of me.
The premise at least seems simple: You go out on the town, do things, level up your
stats, and eventually develop something approaching fashion sense. This allows you to dream up
more complex coordinations, thus levelling up any of 8 styles to suit any occasion. Sure,
you could just magic yourself into new outfits all the time, but your cat soon admonishes
you and makes you actually earn money by taking jobs and whatnot. And then the cat turns into
a ring just to nag you wherever you go, all Prof. Oak style. And frankly, THAT whole nonsense
makes more sense to me than fashion ever will, so I’m just going to go with that. And the
temptation I felt to just binge on foie gras at the beginning of the game to bankrupt myself
and have to get creative with potato sacks. Besides, aren’t the kids these days just
raiding thrift stores and being fashionable by being anything but fashionable? Isn’t
that a thing? Or should I go take my Metamucil and see if my game shows are on?
Y’know what would make this experience even more absurd? GAME BOY PRINTER FUNCTIONALITY.
Yes, you can print your outfits onto thermal-actuated sticker paper for time immemorial (or two
weeks, which seems to be the half-life of the stuff). You can even edit these outfits
by hand, if you feel like going pixel-by-pixel through a particular design. I’ve done some
tedious things in my gaming life, but never have I ever been interested in recoloring
a skirt into a slightly lighter shade of gray (because, recall, the GB Printer only works
in four-tone grayscale). It’s an interesting little bit of functionality, but even that
can’t salvage Mari’s quest to become stylish in the space of one year. This is like Harvest
Moon turned into a reality show. And someone needs to vote me off this island but quick.
So why am I wasting your time with this game at all? Funny enough, you’re going to have
to wait until the next HAMSTER THURSDAY to find out... and I realize that’s a terrifying
prospect, but I’m running out of hamsters. Please understand. Please.