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I was just wondering, in all the Cousin Walter stories...
...and the oral sex stories in Chasing Amy, did those actually happen?
Or did you just think of those on your own?
You're asking me if I ever tried to suck my own ***?
- In a roundabout way, yeah. - Right.
"I really want to ask him a question...
...but I don't want to come off like a ***."
Have I ever...? Yeah, I've tried to suck my own ***.
There's not much more you could say, beyond that.
And that's when I knew I could never be gay.
I wouldn't know what to say to a dude after he busted a loaf in my mouth.
And that's not a condemnation. I'm all for people being gay.
Personally, for me, I just would not know what to say.
It would be socially awkward for me.
To just be like:
"What do you want to do now?" You know?
Just don't have any pillow talk ready for that situation.
But yeah, I tried. When I was thinner.
Now it's like I'd be sucking my own gut.
What about the oral sex stories?
The chipped tooth, the scraped knees in the car?
No.
I'm a real... I'm not, like, an exciting ***.
So most of my *** takes place safely on the confines of a mattress.
And nothing ever got hurt.
I did get wounded once in a *** situation...
...but it was long after the movie. So it was more like life imitating art...
...but it didn't have anything to do with oral.
I had met my wife, she interviewed me for USA Today.
She used to work for USA Today.
They told me, "A journalist's gonna come interview you."
It was because of Ben and Matt, in a roundabout way.
There was a period where, when Good Will Hunting came out...
...everyone *** loved it. And then when it's heading toward the Oscars...
...other studios start trying to *** torpedo it.
There was a rumor going around that William Goldman...
...the screenwriter who had written Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid...
... The Princess Bride, and a famous script doctor...
...that he had written most of Good Will Hunting.
People were trying to take the credit from Ben and Matt.
There was a rumor I had written some of Good Will Hunting...
...because I was an executive producer.
The Miramax people said, "Can you do an interview?
We can't have Ben and Matt be like, 'lt's not true. '
It sounds too defensive.
If you say you didn't write it, William Goldman didn't...
...and as long as you've known about the script, Ben and Matt wrote it."
It's true. I read it long before Miramax got involved.
It's always been their script. I said, "All right."
They said, "We'll set you up with a USA Today journalist...
...named Jennifer Schwalbach." I've interviewed with a lot of journalists...
...in particular at USA Today, and they're all 40 to 50, usually guys.
And the women I've met, they look kind of like my mother.
You know, they're matronly.
Nobody *** looks like Lois Lane. That's the one thing I've noticed.
I do a lot of interviews and I'm never like:
"Lois, I come from a planet far... " You know.
Because they all look like my mom.
So I'm like, "Send her. I'll be at the hotel." Because I was in Los Angeles.
We were in pre-production on Dogma...
...but I was out in Los Angeles rehearsing with Chris Rock...
...because he was doing Lethal Weapon...
... 99? 19?
The one with *** Murtaugh and Riggs.
And Riggs is crazy.
So I'm out there rehearsing with Chris Rock...
...and I break to do my interview. I wait for this chick...
...and she shows up, and it's the person who will become my wife.
It's this stunning young woman. And I was so *** blown away.
I was like, "What...?" I thought somebody had sent a *** to my room.
I'm like, "Why would a beautiful girl be at my door?
This must be a prank." But she was like, "I'm here to interview you."
And I was like, "Get out of here. You?"
I couldn't not talk about the fact that I was blown away...
...somebody so young was working at USA Today...
...because USA Today is the most widely-read newspaper in the universe.
It goes to every *** country.
What you see in America is what you see in Germany...
...which is what you see in France and Poland.
No matter what they write, it shows up everywhere...
...in every edition of USA Today across the planet.
So I was like, "That's *** up."
I was about to start directing my fourth film, but I felt like a slacker.
Because here's this woman in her mid-20s working at USA Today.
I felt like I hadn't accomplished anything.
So I was like, "Can you get me a job at USA Today?
Because then I will feel accomplished."
I interviewed for two hours.
Then afterwards we just sat around bullshitting for three hours.
I dug her and we got along well, but I didn't know if she liked me.
And I didn't even think I liked her, because I'm not like that.
I don't get around a pretty girl and be like, "I'm gonna make the move."
I have no self-confidence. I can't read signals or anything.
For all I knew, she was being nice to me because she interviewed me.
I also went in thinking she was trying to get dirt on Ben and Matt.
So I was on my defensive. But then that went away and we were just chatting.
Before she left, she said, "You got a Web board? You answer questions on it?"
I said, "Yeah, all the time."
She said, "If I post on it, would you answer a question?"
I said, "Yeah. I would. I'll do it."
A couple weeks later she put up a post. I responded to it on the board...
...and her e-mail was attached so we started an e-mail relationship.
That went to a phone relationship.
I was in Pittsburgh and she was in Los Angeles.
And they told me that I had to go to the Spirit Awards, the indie Oscars...
...because Chasing Amy was nominated for three:
Best Picture, Best Screenplay, and Best Supporting Actor, for Jason Lee.
And I didn't want to go.
We'd been nominated for Clerks and didn't win anything.
So I was like, "There's no point. Plus, I'm in heavy pre-production."
And the Spirit people said, "You really, really should show up."
And I was like, "That means I'll win an award. *** it, I'm going."
So Jen had been covering the award circuit pretty heavily that year.
She was covering Golden Globes, the Blockbuster Movie Awards.
The DGA, the WGA.
She was gonna be covering the Oscars. So I called her up and I was like:
"I'm gonna go to the Spirit Awards, are you covering it?"
She said, "No. That's the only award ceremony I'm not covering."
She says, "Why?" I was like, "'Cause I don't know anybody in L.A."
And she said, "I'll go if you want me to."
I said, "Would you? Not as a date, but would you just show up?" "Yeah."
So she showed up and when we got there I was backstage all day...
...'cause I was presenting. Once I finally got to sit down...
...I won for screenplay and I had to go up and accept and do the press line.
So by the end of the night, everyone cleared out and it was me and her.
We were driving, and she said, "What do you want to do?"
I said, "I'd like to get out of these clothes."
And she's like: "Get out."
And I was like, "Not like that." I was wearing a suit, but...
...wanted to wear something nice like this instead.
She's like, "My apartment is scummy and I didn't clean up."
I said, "It don't matter, I'm just gonna put on some clothes."
We went to her place. I changed, and we went out to eat.
We wound up just hanging out. I was supposed to catch a plane...
And then *** started to get smooth.
I can't remember how it happened. There was no *** involved...
...which I was very proud of.
Sometimes I look at her and think:
"You'd have to be drunk to *** me, right?"
But she wasn't. We were talking about how I have a tattoo.
And she was like, "Let me see it!"
I said, "No. I don't show anybody my tattoo because it's on my arm.
I don't take my shirt off, ever." And she said, "Well, ever?"
"I leave my shirt on in the shower. I never, never take my shirt off."
She's like, "Well, I'll trade you. Show me and I'll give you something."
I said, "Like what?"
You know, at this point, devil and angel show up...
...and the devil's like, "Head. Head. Ask for head."
And the angel's like, "Play it cool. Don't be a pig."
Which I wouldn't be anyway. So I said, "Let me see your driver's license."
"No, I'm never going to show anybody my license. I look so stupid."
"My ears are just popping out." I said, "But I'm a real big fan of your ears."
And she was like, "Really?" And I said, "Yeah. They're, like, Dumbo ears."