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Ange?
No, he's no clue.
I can't wait to see his face!
I know, okay,
we're in the other room.
I'm gonna bring everybody in
in just a minute.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Okay, I have to go, thank you.
- Okay, bye.
- Okay, bye.
Happy birthday, bro!
- Huh? Check it out.
- Yeah, wow. Thanks man.
Hey, it's too bad
Amy couldn't be here, right?
Hey, are you gonna make it
official with her soon?
What?
Come on, old man,
seven years is a long time.
No.
I mean, at this point,
I feel like Amy's more
just like a friend.
- You know, like a bro.
- Yeah.
I don't know,
something just changed.
Like, I'm just done.
You ever feel like
you're just done?
Yeah, is it because
of all the weight she gained?
No.
I mean, she's definitely
put on some pounds,
but that's not even it.
- Yeah.
- Is it the long distance?
No, long distance is the only
reason we're still together now.
Yeah, oh, man.
It just-- something turned,
you know, just everything
about her makes me sick.
- Um-hmm.
- Just like, shut up.
- Oh, shut up.
- I can't take it.
Come in, everybody.
Hey, Angie.
What's this?
No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no...
Come on, get ready, okay?
Ready? One, two, three.
♪ Happy Birth-- ♪
Amy?
What are you doing here?
When did you get back from Iraq?
This isn't working for me.
I, I think we should
see other people.
I met somebody else.
And so I made the decision,
I don't wanna see you any more.
And this was over.
I paid for this,
I'm bringing it.
No.
Step away from it!
I'm having somebody
come back and get this.
Thank you for your service.
Sync && corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com
Nothing has changed,
I still dress like (bleep).
They just like, squeeze me in
this right before I came on.
I usually wear American Apparel.
I like to be draped in
sweat pants,
don't you guys feel that way?
I love American Apparel,
I really do.
I like the models
and the marketing.
I like that every shot of them,
it looks like a shot
of the last time
they were ever seen, just...
Help."
Looks like they're waiting for Liam
Neeson at the bottom of a close like...
It's like hostage lighting.
What is the idea?
Like, "Oh, if I buy
these leggings,
will they also
find my body in a swamp?"
Like, why?
So let me get this straight.
It's a road made of ice
and they truck on it.
Bullseye, that's the show,
plain and simple.
You twinks ready to do
some shots, ***?
Oh-ho-ho, that's so hot,
I love girls like at.
Tequila, no training wheels.
Burger, rare as (bleep).
Oh, yeah, a chick who can
really hang with the guys.
Yeah. That is the best.
A chick who's like super-hot,
but then like, loves Xbox,
down for pizza.
That tomboy thing, you know?
Like, man,
I knew this girl, Joey.
- That's a hot name right there.
- That is a hot name.
Yeah, she was off the charts hot.
She could like beat me in
arm wrestling, you know?
That's like my college girlfriend.
She was crazy hot.
She could recite all of
"Boondock Saints" verbatim
while building a deck,
she was ripped.
*** him, God!
You know, I dated
a chick like that.
I mean, she was like, model hot,
plus she knew everything
about World War Two,
and she had a super strong jaw.
- She had like a lantern jaw.
- Mmm.
Love that tomboy thing.
Hey, you know she reminds me
of my ex, you know, real solid.
I could climb her like a tree.
She made me feel so safe.
I miss her.
Oh, man, there's this chick
at my office, right now...
I can talk to her about Muay Thai.
Plus, she's got just like
a little bit of stubble.
Aah...
- I need to hit that, man.
- Yeah, you do.
That's the dream, right?
That's a fantasy,
like in "Rambo."
The main chick in that
with the headband, hot, right?
Yeah, no, man, but there
are real chicks like that.
Like, I knew this girl Sam
when I lived in Tampa.
She was just naturally not,
like, rough hands, thick neck.
Forehead like a granite counter.
And she worked hanging drywall
for her dad's company,
Murphy and Son.
Yeah, she did.
Ooh, check it out.
Ohh...
My *** just got a ***.
My buddy Goldman has
this girlfriend Glen.
She's like cover of "Maxim" hot.
She does all those fantasy
football pics.
And she has like
this prominent ***.
I'm like, I want...
- That's so (bleep) hot.
- That is so (bleep) hot.
To chicks who can hang.
- To chicks who can hang.
- Yes.
Heading to the can.
Gotta make some room.
Ohh...
Wait, should we just
(bleep) each other?
What is your type?
I like, um,
a great sense of humor.
And like some wit and some
intelligence, I don't know, I like---
Girls who read books,
I don't know--
Some intelligence
and things like that.
Would you have sex with me?
Um...
- Yeah.
- Oh, thank you.
What is your type?
I don't have a type, but I
tend to end up with blondes.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Oh my God, that's so weird.
- I know, it is weird, isn't it?
What's your type?
Tall, skater, ***.
Hey, do you have a skateboard?
Keep it moving, pal.
What kind of guy do you like?
Gay.
They all turn out to be gay.
***
I return with libations, as promised.
- Thanks, Liam
- Hey, text me later.
I've been saving up some things I've
been meaning to tell you all day.
- Is that your boyfriend?
- (Bleep) you, no.
Liam's from HelloM'lady.com.
Is that a dating site?
No, it's an app for your
smart phone
that helps you manage
those clingy,
fragile guys who think
they're dating you.
- Wait, are they stalkers?
- God, no, stalkers have balls.
Hello m'lady's just
make you feel guilty.
They do that thing where
they put you on a pedestal
and they dote on you,
even though you've never
expressed any interest.
But why would I wanna
sign up for that?
Just think of it like Turbo Tax.
No one wants to do taxes,
but it is nice to have help
with that inevitable chore.
Hmm.
Hello m'lady notifies you
of the whereabouts
of m'ladies in your area.
The app alerts you when
you've been selected
by one of these human hobbits.
You'll receive Cliff Note versions
of his thesis linked emails
listing the things he sees
in you that no one else sees.
This sad-eyed weasel helped
my boyfriend move into my place.
This doughy munchkin flat out
gave me an iPhone.
He said he had a hook-up, but I'm
pretty sure he just paid for it.
It's a text from Liam.
"I wish I kissed you just now."
Oh, gross, I was just chosen.
I don't wanna lead this guy on,
but I don't wanna hurt
his feelings either.
Oh, you can't win.
But the app does send you
a warning text
when he's about
to angrily turn on you.
Warning, m'lady.
Can we talk outside, please?
I think you owe me that much.
It's fine, he's just
gonna call me ungrateful
and then ask if he can
hold my hand.
Oh.
It seems you've been abandoned
and I just wanna say...
...hello, m'lady.
Oh.
Hello m'lady.
(bleep) it.
Hey.
Did you ever know a girl who
thought she was your girlfriend
and she totally wasn't?
Um, no, but I've been
that way on accident.
You thought a girl
was your girlfriend?
- Yeah.
- What happened?
Well, I thought we were dating
for like four months.
And then she cheated on me.
Well, did she if you weren't--
No, apparently not
so it was fine.
Yeah, I guess not,
she just kind of met somebody.
Uh-huh.
You're a sweetheart.
Aged Angus *** with cheese
and a crispy McDalmond chic.
- Fries in the hole.
- Order on five.
Give me more Giggle Meals.
What the hell do you mean
they want apple slices
in the Giggle Meals?
Corporate wants to offer
a healthy option.
- A healthy option?
- Yes, a healthy option.
Well, silly me, I thought we
stood for something around here.
No, Beef *** sales, down.
Giggle Meal sales, down.
Fries, Coke, Sprite...
Let met guess, down?
Look, I don't like it
anymore than you do.
But let's play by their rules this
time till we get the ball back.
Jasmine dropped a burger patty
under the soft-serve machine.
Well, fish it out and reheat it.
What is this,
half-past amateur hour?
Wrong side of the bed
this morning, JJ?
I sleep on a Futon.
I've been using the same
Brita for three years.
My roommate is a bassist.
You tell corporate I'm not
putting apple slices on my menu.
What's next, no more
chicken beaks in the Everything?
Now you wanna tell me why
you been acting so strange?
This is my first day back,
and I'm nervous around you.
You look good, JJ.
Look, I wrote to you.
The letters came back,
where have you been?
I worked my way up to being
a GM of a Sbarro in Tel Aviv.
Then one day, I'm stuffing
couscous into a calzone
and I realized
a woman's life is worth nothing
unless she's making
a great man greater.
Let's get
one thing straight--
No, let's get
two things straight.
You and me make a good team
and you know it.
And if just for one second
you could drop this whole
damaged goods routine,
we could make this work.
Now, I'm not asking that
you (bleep) *** me
in the back of
my Tercel like it's 1997.
I'm just asking for a chance
to make a difference.
That's three things.
That's what you said
in my Tercel.
Guys?
You better take a look at this.
We got a school bus out there.
It's the short kind.
I need Dora the Explorer
figurines ready yesterday.
Throw two in some of the bags,
they'll think it's Christmas.
McCaskell,
defrost the Aged Angus Bangers.
No, hold on McCaskell,
you won't need to do that.
They're just gonna want
Giggle Meals and apple slices.
Don't tell me what they want.
There's a Dominican
flag on that dashboard.
This is Angus Bangers and
family-sized curlies the way home.
I know this order, we do
this my way, you understand?
- We lost picture.
- Well, pull it.
Fix the *** feed.
Here comes the order.
We're gonna have to fly blind
on this one.
Ugh!
Jesus, JJ.
Uh, gimme 18 Giggle Meals
or whatever's cheapest.
I've got $30.
Do you want fries or apple slices?
Whatever's fastest.
I'm sorry.
Yes, JJ, apple slices.
That's the post 9/11 world
we live in now.
Unless you change the dialog...
If anyone can do it, you can.
Or doesn't that JJ
work here any more?
Good afternoon, sir,
I'm the manager here.
One of the managers.
I'm afraid we're not gonna be
able to give apple slices today.
Yeah, whatever, no one cares.
You know, there was a time
in this country
when apples were for
feeding horses.
When McDalmond's was more
than just a parking lot
where people met to buy Ritalin.
People weren't obese.
They were just fat.
And if you wanted an apple,
you'd have to eat a pie.
That's why I'm not gonna
give you what you ordered.
No, today, I'm gonna give you
3800 calories
of the greatest ***
country in the world.
Pull ahead.
JJ?
Someone emptied their butt
in the women's bathroom.
Hand me my mop.
Ugh, there is a lot
of (bleep) in here.
Is the internet working for you?
Mmm, let me see.
No.
Give me my phone, I'll call.
Uh, maybe it's better if I call.
No, I know what you're thinking,
but I'm not gonna freak out.
I'm in like a really good place.
You sure?
Oh my God, it's a phone call,
like, relax.
You got this, girl.
Please listen carefully
as our menu has changed.
For English, please press one.
English.
Are you currently
a Time Warner Cable customer?
Yes.
Do you want help
with your account?
Yes.
Did you say you want
to add a land line?
Representative.
All of our representatives
are busy.
Please hold for the next
available representative.
Thank you for calling
Time Warner Cable.
This is Janardhan, may I have
your account number, please?
Okay, it's 1-6-1-9--
Please hold while I look up the
first half of your account number.
Oh, yeah, that doesn't
make any sense.
(beeping)
Please don't leave me-- Hello?
Aah, you're fine.
Come on, God.
Hello, Janardhan, Janardhan!
No, (bleep) no (bleep) ***
(bleep) my whole (bleep).
Janardhan!
.. (bleep)!
English.
Representative.
Person! Human person!
Thank you for calling
Time Warner cable.
This is Janardhan,
may I help--
1-6-1-9-6-3-4.
I need your account
number, please.
Janardhan, just be real
right now, man.
Be real!
Ma'am, let me transfer you
to our transfer department.
- What?
- Please hold for...
No-no-no-no-no!
No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no!
No, Janardhan!
Janardhan!
(bleeps)
I mean, I was gonna go back
to school but like, for what?
Like, for what?
We're all going to
the same place, anyway.
We have our relationships.
Like that's all we have
in this world.
That's who we are.
(beeping)
We'll need the serial number of
the first modem you ever owned.
(bleep) you, Janardhan!
(bleep) you.
And what was the nickname
your mother gave you
when you were seven?
I know you're probably
like a really good guy.
It's not your fault,
you're probably like--
You have interests
and you probably have like
a family or like a cat
or something, but like--
(bleep) you.
Like, why are you doing this
to us, Janardhan?
♪ But I'm in so deep ♪
♪ You know I'm such
a fool for you ♪
♪ You got me wrapped around
your finger, ah, ha, ha ♪
♪ Do you have to let it linger? ♪
♪ Do you have to,
do you have to ♪
♪ Do you have
to let it linger? ♪
♪ Oh I thought
the world of you ♪
♪ I thought nothing
could go wrong ♪
♪ But I was wrong ♪
♪ I was wrong if you ♪
♪ if you could get by ♪
♪ trying not to lie ♪
I love you, Janardhan.
I love you too, Mrs. Scuva.
Do it.
♪ And I wouldn't feel so used ♪
Oh, the router just needed
to be restarted.
Cool.
Yeah, ok. Well...
I'm about, you know,
5,3, I'm really petite
and I have long, long blonde hair
and I have bright blue eyes
and pouty mouth
that's perfect for sucking.
You know, I don't know if that
did it for you, but I'm just--
This is all doing it for me.
So Jennifer, you were
a phone sex operator.
Yes, I was.
Were you nervous
your first couple calls?
Yes, you know, I'd been
around the block enough.
Like, I've had enough sex
to know what--
Sure, I'm not stranger
to a (bleep) but, still.
What was the most typical
fantasy that a guy would want?
A lot of people wanted
the girlfriend experience.
What does that mean?
Someone to actually
like talk to them
as if they're in a relationship.
So would you just like complain
and be like mad at them?
My character, actually, she was
like a college coed sex kitten.
Now, they had picked her for me.
Like I didn't have--
Oh, they assigned you
a character.
They assigned me somebody
based on my voice.
Samantha, that was
my character--
Samantha was somebody
before she was you.
Samantha was some-- Yes.
Whoever was working her before,
I guess, they quit,
got fired, who knows,
so I had to come in.
***?
Let's hope not.
I just remember one call I got.
He wanted me to be like
five different people.
He's like,
"We're at a pool party
and we're hanging out with
friends and then you and I
are gonna go into
the laundry room and have sex."
And I said to him,
"Why don't we just go
and start in the laundry room?"
And he's like, "Well, no,
we have to talk to people."
There's location change?
Is this "Prairie Home Companion?"
Like why is he making you
do this?
He wanted to-- at one point,
I had to be like the person--
Like, "Hey, does anybody
need drinks, you know?
I'm going to the kitchen."
And then I'm like, "Yeah, well,
I can get something," you know?
And I also had props.
Now that's a huge thing.
Oh, yeah, what,
to make noise and stuff?
Yes, I had a book and a spatula,
and just *** that, you know,
kind of sounds like
*** slapping.
And grapefruit or an orange.
I'd cut it in half,
squeeze it up to the phone.
Just kind if, you know,
if you can imagine.
- I can.
- It works, put it that way.
Is there anything
that you said no to?
One person was asking me
to be like a Girl Scout
and sell Girl Scout cookies.
But those are good cookies.
Yeah, they're very good cookies.
- They're almost the best.
- And you get gifts too.
You do?
You can get gifts?
Yes, you sign--
A lot of them want you
to sell your ***
or sell something personal.
That's a big no-no.
Oh, I was like, "Sure."
So I thought about it.
I'm gonna auction off these
Spanx for a blood diamond.
Can you teach me
how to have phone sex?
Well, the first thing--
You just have to be
comfortable, okay?
Okay.
And so I'd say,
"Um, hey, okay, so I've got on
"some stockings right now
with a garter belt.
"And I've got on some really,
really tiny pink ***.
"And it's a thong in the back.
And, um, I want you
to come over and take it off."
Wow.
So, that's what
they'd want to hear.
Guys?
Do you talk lot of (bleep)
now when you have sex?
Sometimes, yeah, sometimes.
What's your record
for the shortest call?
Shortest call,
I was proud of myself.
They bought a ten
and I did it in three.
Thank you.
Yes, thank you.
I got stopped by TMZ
the other day.
Thank you.
Oh, stop-- I think they thought
I was Paula Deen, but still.
We have the same politics,
whatever.
I was psyched.
I know if TMZ stops you,
you're supposed to be like,
"I'm busy, how dare you."
But I was like,
"What's up, what's going on,
I got time, what's up?"
And then he asked me
like a *** question
'cause I'm the "It" girl
for that, and, uh...
And he was like-- He asked me
about a product called Instead.
You've never heard of it, right,
I never heard of it.
It is a product for women,
you buy it at the drug store.
So you put it in so you can have
sex when you have your period
and not even tell the guy.
I know, I was like, "Ew."
Right?
I am super old-school
with that stuff.
I just do the whole, like, oops,
I must've just gotten the thing,
you know?
Oh, no.
Or I'll pretend like
I was a ***.
I'm like,
"Are you mad, it hurts."
Where's the can?
I'm gonna empty out my bowels.
So Easy.
Mmm, magic.
Sync && corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com