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YOU KNOW, WE LIVE IN AN AGE OF SCIENTIFIC MARVEL
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SNEED PROOF?
CONSIDER THIS PICTURE OF TEST TUBEFILLED WITH COLORFUL LIQUID.
THAT WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN POSSIBLE IN THE 1950s BECAUSE
EVERYTHING WAS IN BLACK AND WHITE BACK THEN.
THANK YOU, NASA.
AND WE WOULDN'T BE WHERE WE ARE SCIENTIFICALLY
AND WE WOULDN'T BE WHERE WE ARE WITHOUT THOSE WHO HAVE DEDICATED
THEIR LIVES TO SCIENCE-- SIR ISAAC NEWTON, MARIE CURIE, AND
BONGO T. NANNERS.
CHIMPS HAVE BEEN SMRT GREAT CONTRIBUTORS TO SCIENTIFIC
RESEARCH.
AFTER DECADES OF TEST TRIALS WE CAN SAY DEFINITIVELY MORNINGIES
HAVE AN INNATE CURIOSITY ABOUT YELLOW HATS.
AND NOW AFTER YEARS OF SERIOUS MONKEY BUSINESS, THE NATIONAL
INSTITUTES OF HEALTH ARE FINALLY READY TO OFFER SERIOUS MONKEY
RETIREMENT.
>> CHIMPANZEES WILL NO LONGER BE USED IN RESEARCH AT THE NATIONAL
INSTITUTES OF HEALTH.
>> THE GOVERNMENT ACTUALLY DECIDED TWO YEARS AGO THAT THE
CHIMP PROGRAM WAS COMING TO AN END, BUT IT KEPT 50 ANIMALS ON
STANDBY JUST IN CASE THEY STILL WERE NEEDED FOR A PUBLIC HEALTH
EMERGENCY.
THOSE REMAINING PRIMATES WILL NOW BE SENT TO A FEDERAL
SANCTUARY.
>> Stephen: THESE CHIMPS ARE RETIRING AND WILL FINALLY HAVE
THE TIME TO PURSUE THEIR DREAM OF WRITING A NOVEL ON AN
INFINITE NUMBER OF TYPE WRITERS.
ACCORDING TO THE N.I.H., OR NEE, IN THE PAST FEW YEARS, NOT A
SINGLE PROPOSAL HAS BEEN SUBMITED BY A RESEARCHER THAT
JUSTIFIES THE USE OF THE ANIMALS.
NOT EVEN THE RECENT PROPOSAL TO STUDY THE QUESTION, "WOULD IT BE
FUN TOW SEE A CHIMP ON A SLIP N' SLIDE?"
NOW, ENDING TESTING ON LAB CHIMPS IS GREAT NEWS FOR
EVERYONE, EXCEPT, OF COURSE, FOR LAB RATS.
SORRY, GUYS, WE'RE DOWNSIZING.
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO PICK UP THE SLACK.
CAN YOU COME IN ON SATURDAY SO WE CAN GROW ANOTHER EAR ON YOUR
BACK?
THAT WILL BE GREAT.
NOW THAT THESE FURRY HEROS ARE BEING RETIRED, I WANT TO THANK
APES FOR ALL THE BREAKTHROUGHS THEY'VE GIVEN US OVER THE YEARS
IN MEDICINE, LINGUISTICS, THE SPACE RACE, ROLLERSKATE STUDIES,
MARTIAL ARTS, LUGGAGE TESTING, ESPIONAGE, CAT WASHING, KEEPING
OUR TRUCKERS COMPANY, MASSAGE THERAPY, AND, OF COURSE, AS
RONALD REAGAN'S FIRST WIFE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YOU'RE VERY NICE.
THE FIRST WALL HE TORE DOWN WAS IN HERE.
AS AN ANIMAL LOVER I'M AS AN ANIMAL LOVER, I'M HAPPY
HAPPY WE'VE COME TO THE END OF THE APE TESTING ERA WHICH IS WHY
I'M RELEASING THE LATE SHOW APE ZOBO.
PART OF THE REASON WE'RE ABLE TO BRING YOU SUCH HIGH-QUALITY
SHOWS EVERY NIGHT IS ALL OF OUR JOKES HAVE FIRST BEEN TESTED ON
ZOBO HERE.
LET'S TAKE A QUICK LOOK AT THE JOKE-TESTING PROCESS.
>> SENATOR TED CRUZ HAS SAID AN ATHEIST ISN'T FIT TO BE
PRESIDENT.
WHICH IS IRONIC, BECAUSE IF HE'S ELECTED, THERE WILL BE A LOT
MORE PEOPLE DOUBTING GOD'S EXISTENCE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: NOW I WANT TO YOU KNOW, IT'S IMPORTANT FOR ME THAT
YOU KNOW ZOBO WAS A RESCUE APE.
I FOUND HIM OUTSIDE A HONDA DEALERSHIP HOLDING A SIGN THAT
SAID, THEIR SALE IS BANANAS.
I OFFERED HIM A RIDE AND HE SAID THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
NOW IT'S TIME TO LET HIM GO.
BRING HIM OUT, BOYS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ZOBO EVERYBODY.
HERE WE GO, FELLA.
HERE WE GO.
COME ON, ZOBO.
THERE IT IS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S TIME, ZOBO.
YOU'RE-- YOU'RE FREE TO GO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ZOBO!
♪ TURN AROUND EVERY NOW AND THEN I GET A
LITTLE BIT LONELY AND YOU NEVER COME AROUND.
♪ TURN AROUND EVERY NOW AND THEN I GET A
LITTLE BIT TIRED OF LISTENING TO THE SOUND OF MY TEARS.
♪ TURN AROUND EVERY NOW AND THEN I FET A
LITTLE BIT NERVOUS THAT THE BEST OF OUR YEARS HAVING BY ♪
>> Stephen: NO, BEFORE I CHANGE MY MIND.
GOOD-BYE, ZOBO.
♪ TURN AROUND, BRIGHT EYES EVERY NOW AND THEN I FALL APART.
♪ TURN AROUND BRIGHT EYES EVERY NOW AND THEN I FALL APART.
♪ TURN AROUND EVERY NOW AND THEN I GET A
LITTLE ♪ >> Stephen: GET OUT!
THE OTHER WAY.
♪ TURN AROUND.
>> Stephen: THAT WAY, GET OUT.
♪ TURN AROUND EVERY NOW AND THEN I GET A
LITTLE BIT ANGRY ♪ >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW WHAT
HE'S GOING TO DO OUT THERE.
BUT WHATEVER IT IS, I WISH HIM WELL.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.