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Harry: previously on
3rd rock from the sun
we four aliens dreamed
for the first time.
I'll tell you
what you want to know!
[German accent] Of
course you will, Dr. Solomon.
Naturally, not being human, we
thought our brains were decomposing.
[Gasps]
We planned an immediate
return to the home planet.
We'll leave tonight
at 8:53.
W-when are we
coming back?
Could be a week, a year,
could be 200 years.
What about Mary?
Oh, she'll be dead.
Maybe I am
losing my mind,
but while there's a little
left, I want to marry you.
This is so great!
I know!
Uh, ***,
are you sure?
Absolutely.
Well, this is
good-Bye, then.
I had a dream
you asked me to marry you.
You had a what?
People dream.
People dream?!
Hello! Sally!
Harry!
They're gone.
I miss them.
Minister: and that
togetherness is what is most celebrated
about this
very special occasion.
Oh, Mary, this is the
happiest day of my life.
You look so beautiful.
And I look smashing
in my tuxedo.
My bow tie
matches my cummerbund.
You're not wearing
a cummerbund.
Yes, I am.
You're supposed to wear it on the outside.
Oh. Oh, that
explains the rash.
Now, then, if anyone
objects to this sacred union,
speak now or
forever hold your peace.
[Ominous organ chord plays]
Sally:
I object.
I think
that's my arm.
Huh? Oh, sorry.
My family!
You made it!
I was afraid I was never
going to see you again.
You look well.
You got some color.
Could have used you
at the wheel, ***.
Oh, but no.
You had to stay and marry that earth chick.
Yeah. With
tragic results for us.
I--I tried to contact
you. I tried everything.
I even built
a transmitter,
but then Ispilled
grape soda on it
and the whole thing
shorted out.
However, I did manage to
have a brief conversation
with the captain
of a shrimp boat.
So that's supposed
to make it better?
Oh, come on. You got to
go back to the home planet.
What's so bad
about that?
Oh, nothing.
Except when you pass too close to a quasar
and this happens!
Oh, my god!
You've turned
into a woman!
Well, not everywhere.
As if showering in gym
class wasn't traumatic enough.
Thank you very much.
[Screeching voice] ***, I
think it's time to cut the cake!
I-I'll be right there.
Y-you're not going
to leave again, are you?
No.
We have some
unfinished business
to take care of.
I-I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!
Aah! Aah!
Ooh! Ooh!
Aah! Ah!
No, I'm sorry!
I'm sorry! Stop!
Stop!
You're ruining
my tuxedo!
Stop!
***,
I made breakfast!
***, are you
all right?
Oh, no, Mary,
I had another one of those horrible dreams!
What happened?
We were getting married.
Thank you.
No, no.
No, that was
the good part,
but then my family
showed up.
Oh. Don't tell me.
They objected.
Well
they had issues.
It's all right.
I've prepared a short speech
just in case they did.
It's just basically
and one of them's "off."
Zmary--
Mary--
I think I made
a big mistake.
I should never have let
them go off without me,
uh, on vacation.
Well, until
they get back,
can't we just
enjoy our time alone?
[Sobs]
Alone?
***, are you having
second thoughts about us?
About us?
Oh, no, Mary.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
You're the only thing
keeping me sane.
Ohh!
And it's
a full-time job.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
I'm going to get ready
for work.
Ya crazy lug.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
[Crying]
I miss you all so much.
And my oatmeal is so lumpy.
Uh, welcome back, class.
Uh, before we begin,
I'd like to hear
what everybody did
over their break.
Uh, bug?
Me?
Uh, w-well, I spent
a lot of time
in a cabin in the woods
with my folks--
that's nice. Caryn?
Oh, uh, well,
I went to the grand canyon
with my brother and sister and--
oh, enough about
your damn families!
Didn't anybody
spend the break alone,
watching reruns
and eating cheese doodles
while an unfathomable
emptiness
permeated
their shriveled souls?
I saw *** call
on pay-per-view.
Don't try to cheer me up,
Leon. It won't work.
Is there something you'd like
to talk about, Dr. Solomon?
Talk about?
With you, Leon?
Ha ha ha ha!
Well, you know
I am a psych major
now.
You are?
Well, then
help me out.
I've made a horrible, horrible mistake,
and I can't stop hating myself for making it.
Well, you know,
Dr. Solomon,
a person
should never be sad
for the mistakes
he's made.
Only for the mistakes
he's about to make.
Leon,
that's beautiful.
It also explains why you always seem so sad.
Thank you, Leon.
You've made it
all so clear.
I've got to learn
to let go,
to move forward and
focus on the thing
that's most important in my life.
[Screeching]
Me!
You guys remember when I
thought our brains were melting?
You remember that?
[Chuckles]
Well, it turns out
we were just dreaming.
But, hey, none of you
caught it either.
I mean, it was pretty stupid on
all our parts, especially your parts.
I'm not taking
the blame on this one!
[Horn honks]
Ooh! Ooh!
I'm sorry.
Let's not fight.
I miss you
with all my heart.
I've come here every night
hoping you'd returned
but you never have.
And so I've
come to a decision.
Sally, Harry, Tommy,
I can't go on
torturing myself anymore.
I have to move forward
with my life,
the life
I've chosen with Mary.
I hope you understand.
And so good-bye.
Good-bye, Sally.
Good-bye, Tommy.
Good-bye, Harry.
Harry:
good-Bye, ***!
It's almost as if
I could hear you.
Harry, crying:
it sure is!
Harry!
You're back!
You're all back!
Oh, I missed you all
so much!
Oh, Sally!
Oh, Harry!
Tommy!
Ohh!
A woman I've
never seen before!
Who's this?!
The big giant head
sent her.
***, I'd like you
to meet
your new wife!
My wife?!
Hi, honey, I'm home!
Family meeting!
Family meeting!
No, not you.
That is not my wife.
So? I'm
not your sister.
Yeah, and I'm
not your brother.
He's certainly
not my uncle.
And I'm not
his aunt.
I'm not
his father.
[All talking at once]
You see? This woman is
tearing this family apart!
That's it.
Meeting adjourned.
That woman is not my
wife. I'm engaged to Mary.
***, you're gonna
have to forget about her.
No, this can't
be happening.
This cannot
be happening.
It's got to be
another crazy dream.
It's not a dream, ***.
I don't believe you.
I still
don't believe you.
I'll never
believe you!
All right, all right! I
believe you! I believe you!
Wife: can I
rub that for you?
Oh, leave me alone.
Yes, dear.
Go away!
Thank you!
Uh, look, ***,
here's the deal.
The big giant head thinks
your pursuit of that blonde ***
is distracting you
from your duties.
How does he know so much
about my ***?
He summoned us
before him.
He made us wear
the truth belt.
The one with the buzzer?
Bzzz!
It was
horrible, ***.
So you caved,
lieutenant?
Yes!
You just
brought her here?
It was either that
or the big giant head
was going to have you
sucked back to the home planet.
Then I'd
rather be sucked!
Oh, typical!
You know, ***,
it might not be so bad.
This woman,
she is 100% wife.
I mean, all she read
on the way over was
the joy of cooking
and the joy of sex.
This car is meshuggah!
Oh, yeah.
And the joy of Yiddish.
Did you guys realize that
we have 3 holes in our heads?
and then this one.
Feel the sides
of your head.
[Gasps]
What do you know?
Just wait.
There's more.
Isn't she adorable?
We've been
calling her Janet.
Well, most of us have.
I'm telling you, she looks like a zippy--
Harry, no!
I've been telling you--
now that's enough!
I've heard enough.
Get in the car. We're ditching this woman.
We can't do that.
Well, of course we can.
I'll just put it in drive,
and we'll fly
like the wind!
Tommy.
Tell him.
She is the big
giant head's niece.
Wellso what?
What's the worst thing
that can happen
if we leave her here?
Big giant
court-Martials.
Followed by
big giant executions.
And then 4 tiny little funerals.
I don't care.
I've chosen love
over death before.
Yeah, well, I haven't.
Janet, get in the car!
Wh--you--wh--
oh--
damn!
Oww!
Some wife.
Oh! Food!
God, I'm starving!
Ah.
You waited.
I knew you would.
Ohhh!
It's our first home.
I love it!
Where's our bedroom?
Oh, no, no, uh,
that won't be necessary.
No! I want to be
the best wife ever!
Well, uh good luck to you. Bye, now.
No, don't fight it,
sweetie.
Let me love you.
Where's our boudoir?
Oh--oh--
oh, well, uh--uh--
long story short,
we don't have one.
Ok, then.
Whoa!
Uhh! Ohh!
Ohh!
Ok!
That was fun,
and you were good.
I was amazing.
We're done.
Now
go enjoy a sandwich.
Ok, then!
Ssssspank me.
There's
nothing to eat.
Well, that's good, 'cause
there's no clean dishes.
God, this place
is a pigsty.
Yeah, you better
get on it.
Oh, thanks, Tommy.
That's a nice welcome ho--
Janet.
I love this room.
Oh, what's not to love?
Did you know
that this is where I do
all of my cooking
and cleaning?
I mean, there is no
greater honor for a woman.
Me, I can't
get enough of it.
In fact, I'm gonna
clean some dishes right now.
Ha ha ha!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, but I'm the wife.
Shouldn't I be able
to do the dishes?
No. This is
too much fun, Ok?
Please!
Ok, if you insist.
But I still
get to do the floors!
Whee!
[Humming]
No, no, no, no, no!
I think the floors
are my turf now.
Ok.
There is no way you're
getting this job, sister.
But you're the wife.
Good-bye, kitchen.
I sure am gonna miss ya.
I'm
gonna love you ♪
like nobody's
loved you ♪
she's doing
the kitchen.
Score!
That's just great.
Oh, come on, ***.
I'm sorry.
You know we wouldn't
have brought her back here
unless
we were forced to.
Yeah, I guess not.
At least we're all
together again, right?
Yeah. And what the hell?
We've been through
tougher times before, huh?
Oh, guys!
Ohh!
Tv: are there aliens
among us?
Tonight local residents
report seeing
mysterious lights in the sky
over the old Sweeney farm.
Whoa! That's the place
where we landed!
Ok, all right.
We have nothing
to worry about.
Sally cleaned up
the landing site.
You said you were gonna
clean up the landing site.
No, no,
no, no, no, no.
I said I was going to
clean up the landing site.
So you cleaned up
the landing site.
No.
[Gasps]
Aah!
Oh, god!
Hurry!
Hurry!
Hurry up!
Get over there!
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Oh, Don!
[Gasping]
Sally!
You made my heart
jump right into my mouth.
Ohh!
Swallow.
Nice flashlight.
I was about to say
the same thing to you.
Sally,
where have you been?
I thought we had
a good thing going.
Oh, Don, we did.
I just--
I needed to take a little time,
you know, to think things over.
I just went on one those spontaneous trips,
you know, to,
um, uh
sea world.
Turkey.
Yeah, the sea world
in turkey.
Funny, I didn't know there
was a sea world in turkey.
There's sea worlds
everywhere, Don.
You just got to know
where to look.
Wh-wh-what are you
all doing out here
in the dead
of the night?
Oh, well, Tommy and I were just going
to go down to old man Sweeney's creek
and look for tadpoles
while Harry here kept
you busy. Come on, Tommy.
Circle.
Yeah. Sure is.
You know, Harry,
there are some crackpots saying
that this is the work of UFOs.
Hah.
As if there could be
intelligent life out there.
What a load of hooey.
Hooey?
Oh, yeah. So much bunk,
you can make a bed out of it.
Oh, it's bunk, is it?
Any moron with
half a brain knows that.
Half a brain.
I see.
Well, you know, Don,
it's a big universe
out there,
and not just
small big.
Big big.
Why, in the belletrix
system alone
there are over
That's the biggest number
I've ever heard in my life.
Yeah. So don't you think
on just one of those planets
that there might be some
species-- Smarter than you--
that would be capable
of building a spaceship?
Statistically, I suppose.
Maybe there is more to this
than meets the eye.
Thank you, Harry.
No.
Thank you, Don.
Aliens, huh?
Aah!
Uhh!
It's just wheat.
Just wheat.
What's that?!
Huh?!
So, Janet, what do you call
these things we're eating?
Pancakes.
These are pancakes?
I thought pancakes
were burnt globs of dough
that explode with flour
when you bite into them,
Sally.
Me, too.
Good morning, dear.
I'm just putting the
finishing touches on your lunch.
Ow, wow, ***.
You look terrible.
I feel even worse.
Why? What's wrong?
All night long,
Janet kept trying to touch
my wacky place.
I wound up sleeping
behind the Tv.
All I could think of was how
much I wanted to be with Mary.
Shh!
Shh!
You've got to give
Janet a chance.
I don't gotta do Nothin'!
Janet.
Yes, dear.
You know this whole thing
where I'm supposed
to be your husband
and you're
supposed to be my wife?
Of course. It's never gonna work out.
And the sooner we face up to
that, the happier we'll be.
There now.
Don't you
feel better?
[Crying]
What's happening?
I'm all wet!
No, stop.
Don't do that.
No, stop! Stop!
I'm leaking!
Sally!
Oh, it's fine,
honey. It's normal.
Go dry your eyes, and we'll
shop for shoes, Ok, honey?
[Janet sobbing]
You cannot talk to her like
that! We'll all get incinerated!
Well, I think we all love Mary
enough to make that sacrifice.
No! No! Am I right?
Wh--wh--
well, I do.
Oh, my god!
What are these?
Pancakes.
Janet's pancakes.
These are pancakes?
I thought pancakes were--
me, too!
Ok?!
Hey, ***--
it's not
what it looks like!
It looks wonderful!
I've never seen you bring your
lunch in a picnic basket before.
Well, I've never seen you
in a thong bikini before,
but there's a first time
for everything, right?
No. What did you make?
What did I make?
W-w-well, that's a-- an easy
enough, uh, question to answer.
I'll just, uh, open it up and show you.
Peppered duck PATé
and wheat crackers,
uh, Thai noodles,
homemade chocolate-chunk cookies.
Oh!
A flower?
Well, what's wrong
with your FIANCé
bringing you
a flower?
Oh, that's sweet.
I'm sorry, Mary.
I know that, uh, lately
I-I've been acting
a little strange.
Lately?
Ok. For the last
few minutes.
But I'm going to
make it up to you.
Nina!
Yes?
Will you make a reservation for 2 tonight
at la petite orange?
La petite orange?
Oui.
What did he do?
Nothing.
Oh, yeah, he did something, all right.
[Sputters]
All I've done
is to love Mary
more than any other
woman in this world.
No matter how good
their pancakes are.
Have you ever done that?
Yeah.
Have you ever done that?
Oh, yeah.
Have you ever done that?
Yeah.
Oh, ***!
Can we do this?
Ohh!
No!
Mrs. Dubcek, what
are you doing here?
I'm talking
to yourwife.
Well, I think you two
have talked long enough.
Janet, please!
I can get into my pajamas
in my own time!
Yes, dear.
You know, a woman
doesn't have to pretend that
she's your wife to sleep over,
unless that's what
spikes your punch.
Janet, get off me!
Go make me
an English muffin pizza.
Yes, my little kreplach!
Ooh!
Listen up, everyone.
I have a plan.
I'll go get Janet.
No, no!
It's a plan
to get rid of Janet.
Right. Nice save.
***, you can't
just kick her out.
I know.
But what if she
wanted to leave?
She doesn't
want to leave.
Not yet. But I think
I can change that.
Watch. Watch
as I become
the most obnoxious, repulsive
creep any woman has ever met.
Wow! The transformation
is astounding.
I'm impressed!
I haven't done it yet!
But I must start
immediately.
Harry,
go pick up Mary
and take her
to la petite orange.
Here's a 20.
I think it's going
to cost more than that.
Well, you
won't be eating.
All Righty.
Your mini pizza is ready.
Uh, coming, dear.
It begins.
Captioned by the national