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What the...?
*** ***! Goddammit! Good heavens!
Mister, time to get you to a doctor.
St. Peter, open up them pearly gates... I'm coming home.
Come on, mister. Come on.
Uggghh... Where the devil are we?
Armadillo. We made it safe, you'll be happy to know.
Thank you, sir, thank you. You're a gentleman and a, a true man of honor.
Coming from you, I doubt that means much but, I appreciate the civility.
I owe you, sir, and I always pay my debts.
Jesus... But if I die, I'm sorry for it. If not, I'll be your man, for...
Let's get you fixed up first. Then we'll decide what you're my man for.
Excuse me.
Hey! Hey! You got a visitor.
Shut up you!
- And what you want? - My name is John Marston.
I'm looking for Fort Mercer.
Fort Mercer? You them, one of them Williamson boys.
- Calm down. - Go on shoot him, mister! Shoot him.
Go on what... you getting cute with me boy?
What's going on here?
I got me one of them Williamson boys.
Jonah, put your gun down.
You must be the man from Blackwater.
Jonah, get out of here for a minute.
Yes, sir, Mr. Johnson, sir.
And you. Oh, I done seen enough of your hide around here, friend.
I think there are some school children down the way you could go and frighten.
Oh, hardy *** harr. ***!
What are you doing here, Mr. Marston? Apart from frightening my deputies?
I'm here to capture or kill Bill Williamson.
Okay.
I rode with them, with Bill.
Rode. Robbed. We killed people.
Paid the price, I think.
But that's a life I left behind. Long time now.
Bill Williamson and his boys have tended to keep themselves away from my town.
- So you're happy to have him out there? - Well, I ain't happy, but I also ain't suicidal.
My job is to keep this town safe for the folks who live here.
Whole world has problems, mister, and I'm here, doing what I can.
You sure ain't making it easy, Bill.
- You got troubles, sheriff? - I got bandits. They went to a big place up near Ridgewood.
They killed the men, burning most of them alive, and *** the women.
The women folk then got their throats slit. One of them survived and walked in...
Anyway. We got a posse gathering up near Ridgewood. Will you ride with us?
Holy sweet mother of mercy!
Please! Please, don't shoot me.
Some bandits came by and took us hostage.
They're holed up in the farmhouse. Some of my family is being kept hostage inside.
Some folk tried escaping to the south, but then some robbers started chasing 'em down, like wild dogs.
Mount up men. The man that kills the boss of that bunch gets fifty dollars.
It ain't about the money, Marshal. These are people's lives. People's homes!
Williamson! It's John Marston.
Get yourself down here, Bill.
You just walk away now, John.
I didn't kill you before, but I sure as *** will now!
- You know I don't want to hurt you, but I will. - You always did have a high opinion of yourself, John.
Shoot 'em.
In that shed.
Get 'em boys!
Now, about Williamson... Will you help me?
I'll do what I can.
Hello! Hello there!
Howdy, miss.
- What are you doing out here? - I'm... I'm thinking.
You want me to take you back into town, ma'am?
Jenny. You can call me Jenny. Oh, alright.
I'm safe because I have faith. So faith can move mountains.
That's the whole point.
You're trying to move a mountain?
No, I can't do anything.
But with faith,
I can achieve great things. I know that. I know it.
I get such clarity out here.
I see things purely.
The world is so beautiful.
And full of things that'll kill you.
Nothing's going to kill me, sir.
Well, take care then.
Friends! Hard-working souls of... Cholla Springs!
Gather round, gather round.
Do you suffer from Rheumatism?
Well, I represent the only company that makes the GENUINE ARTICLE,
that cures headaches, neuralgia, swellings, sprains...
And it adds vitality and vigor to the healthy man!
Well, can you prove it, old man?
Oh, I'm sure there's some customer here who could prove the qualities of its by taking a drink right now!
You, sir! Come up here. Step right up!
That's the spirit. Ladies and gentlemen, pay close attention.
This poor, wretched volunteer, entirely unknown to me, will demonstrate the effects of Dr. West Dickens' Own Patent Tonic.
Be you a cowpoke or athlete, this miraculous elixir, developed with the wisdom of the East, keeps the muscles supple and relaxes the chords.
It loosens the joints and gives a feeling of youth and vigor to the whole system! Not possible I hear you say.
Well, doubt no longer. Faith can move mountains, but I ask not for faith.
I am a man of science and today science will be vindicated.
- Your eyesight is greatly improved, is that not so, friend? - Yep.
Now, gaze over yonder at the porch.
If you squint, you may just be able to make out the skull that's hanging there.
Go ahead, friend. Shoot that skull and demonstrate the miraculous eyesight you now possess.
- Remarkable! The eyesight of an eagle, granted by... - Anybody could make that shot.
This man is a fraud!
If your eye is so damn sharp, why don't you try shooting my hat out of the air?
My friends, our test case has been challenged to shoot a gentleman's hat out of the sky above our heads!
You can fool these people, but you ain't fooling me.
Right! Let's just see how sharp you is with a moving target!
Have you ever seen such an eye? Behold the power of the elixir! Plucked out of the sky!
Hey! You think you can put a hole in a mans hat and just walk away? Do ya?
Watch out! He's got a gun!
Who the hell do you think you are?
- Ow! My hand! - Marvelous shot, dear boy!
The kind of deadly accuracy that can only be afforded by the West Dickens Elixir! Come, I have plenty for all!
Well, I think that went kind of well, don't you?
Have you thought anymore about our plan to get inside Fort Mercer?
Ah, your plan, dear boy.
Are we ready then?
Nearly, sir. Fairly nearly, sir.
I just need some extra hardware fitted to my old Trojan horse here.
I won't pretend to understand you, but I will endeavor to make you understand me.
Either we do this right now, or I put a bullet in you and get on with my day.
Don't be like that.
I've been thinking I could be your cunning Odysseus. Beware of the Greeks bearing gifts, sir.
I don't rightly get you.
We can get those gates to open for you and you can walk right in just like in Homer's great Trojan yarn.
Oh, it's like that is it? Huh, not talking to Seth today? The old silent treatment!
Oh... That's quite a stench.
Excuse me, are you Seth?
- Who are you? - I'm a friend of Mr. West Dickens.
My name's Marston. John Marston.
Goodbye, John Marston. It's been a great pleasure.
- I need your help, Seth. - Let me be frank for one second, partner.
I hate people. It was people who got me in this mess in the first place.
What happened?
What happened? My partner! He stole half my map!
Moses Forth.
I don't have the facility to tell you what I would have done for that man, and what I would do to him now.
- And what map's that then? - The map, partner.
The map that tells me where it is.
Where what is, friend?
I ain't telling you that. I ain't. Don't make me tell, partner.
And where's this Moses now?
- He's at Benedict Point. - Well, come on, Seth.
Let's go see Moses, get you your map back.
Then, maybe you'll help me.
Alright, partner. Let's go.
Moses? Oh... Moses? You got a visitor.
Oh my God. Seth? It weren't my fault.
Get the hell away from me!
Get that slippery ***!
Moses, you son of a ***! Where's my damn map?
Damn you, Seth. Damn you, Seth.
You've always been a twisty little freak. I ain't telling you ***!
Then I'm gonna cut you up piece by piece, 'til ya find your tongue.
Friend, this man has gone crazy in the sun. I suggest you take my advice and start talking.
Shut up, Marston, I wanna cut into a bonafide man's flesh! Ain't never cut into a live one before.
Odd Fellow's Rest! It's in Odd Fellow's Rest!
- At Fort Mercer? - Yes.
Well ain't that a damn shame, I was starting to enjoy myself.
I think you've gone and pissed yourself, Moses.
- John. - Marshal.
Gentlemen.
It's time. We must go.
Why? What's happening?
Seth has managed to get himself inside, but we can't leave it too long,
or they will soon realize how very curious he is, and remove him from the premises,
or slit his throat and watch him bleed to death, but for a minute, he will delight and amuse them.
That's when he'll get us inside.
- Okay. - Marshals of the law!
When the shooting starts, take that as your cue to start awarding each other medals...
- Huh? - I mean, take that as a cue to get inside and clean up the mess.
Oh!
Hey, hey there. Come on in, come on in.
Welcome to my humble abode! Come on.
Greetings, my good men!
What would you say if I said, immortality was at hand?
What would you say if I told you, I could turn a man into a beautiful woman?
Impossible? Yes, once but no more.
I have here in this wagon some of the finest goods, the best medicines and the newest inventions available for you and your families!
This miraculous elixir can keep the muscles supple and relax the chords.
Why some men have reported to me that after drinking it for one month, they can chew through steel!
*** a dang pig, them *** sons-a-*** escaped to the other side of the Fort.
Alright, let's go!
Bill Williamson!
Bill!
I'm coming for you, Bill. It's over.
It ain't over 'til it's over.
Yeee Hooo!
Finally, I see the light at the end of this very long, long tunnel.
What the *** hell is this?
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