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New Rule: The Sparkletts guy must tell me why nobody talks around the water cooler anymore.
But, wait, I think I know why. It's because as a culture we don't have enough in common
anymore.
And that's because the Internet, which was supposed to unite the world, has become too
adept at serving us personalized content. Do you know what I saw on Yahoo's front page
this morning? No, you don't, because mine isn't the same as yours. People get newsfeeds
now that just spit back customized stories based on what we've clicked on in the past.
So, I, for example, might see a lot of stories about pot, American history, and, of course
"Christian Mingle."
Whereas, Ted Nugent just gets ads for Prozac and bullets.
So, yes, welcome to the brave new world of micro-targeting which -- look, admittedly
is often harmless. No one gets hurt if my computer tells me, "You bought 'James Taylor's
Greatest Hits.' You might also enjoy this pillow and these sleeping pills."
Or, "You've shown an interest in '*** slips.' Here's every picture ever of Tara Reid." [slide
of Tara Reid]
"And here's an article about another slippery ***." [slide of Ted Cruz]
But, consider this: back in the olden days, this is how people spent their time on the
subway. [older slide of crowded subway] Amazing, isn't it? Everyone is reading a newspaper
and no one is ***.
Here's a subway car today. [three people sit staring at hand-held devices] Everyone is
playing "Angry Birds," and no one is getting news. Or, if they are, it's their Facebook
newsfeed, which is now how a third of their -- of adults get their news.
And this month, Facebook unveiled an app called "Paper," which Mark Zuckerberg calls -- quote
-- "the best personalized newspaper in the world."
Yeah, I suppose the Washington Post is okay, like when it uncovered Watergate, but Facebook
lets you share pictures of your lunch and do this? [he gestures and makes goofy face]
But...but, hey, if one of the richest companies in America can get richer by making you a
little stupider every time you look at your phone, small price to pay.
And, boy, does it make you stupider. "Paper" tracks the news you're interested in and gives
you more of that and less of everything else, never burdening you with contradictory information
or telling you anything new. That's what makes it news.
But, only seeing the stuff that confirms the opinions you already have isn't news. It's
Fox News.
The reason so many Americans, for example, think climate change is a hoax, is that their
only source for science news is Glenn Beck, Fox and Matt Drudge, the "cracker trifecta."
Newspapers may be old-fashioned, but here's what we're losing if you never see one: they
are trying to tell you what's actually important, not just what's important to you. You may
not read the whole paper, but you at least see headlines making you aware that something's
going on outside of your micro-targeted world of fashion or music or wiccans or zombies
or whatever you're into.
I don't enjoy reading about climate change. It's depressing. But, for example, I recently
saw a headline that said jellyfish are taking over the ocean. Which I found alarming.
So, I read the article. And, apparently, yes, jellyfish are the cockroaches of the sea and
will happily eat all the toxic *** we're putting in the ocean which is killing everything
else down there. But, the jellyfish are, like, "Oil? ***' love it!" "Plastic? I had some
for lunch."
Yes, jellyfish: 500 million years of yechhh...and now their time has come. [laughter]
And, no one is going to hear about it unless a jellyfish washes up on a beach and exposes
its ***.