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HONEY, I'M HOME.
THE UNIVERSE FOR 10, ART.
AND THE QUESTION IS...
"HOW MANY PLANETS REVOLVE AROUND THE EARTH?"
ONE.
JERRY?
NONE, ART. THE EARTH AND THE OTHER PLANETS
REVOLVE AROUND THE SUN.
OOH, I'M SORRY. THAT'S INCORRECT, AND IT'S HERESY.
WE'LL TAKE YOUR POINTS AND BURN YOU AT THE STAKE.
DARN.
BOY. THEY'RE REALLY STRICT ON THIS SHOW.
HEY, WHERE ARE ALL THE PISTACHIO NUTS?
FRAN, CAN YOU BRING MORE PISTACHIOS IN HERE?
WE'RE ALL OUT, EARL.
WHAT?
THAT'S THE LAST JAR.
FRAN, I DON'T ASK FOR MUCH FROM YOU--
A CLEAN HOUSE, THREE SQUARE MEALS,
GARDENING, RAISING THE KIDS,
A LITTLE LIGHT PLUMBING,
SCHEDULED MAINTENANCE ON THE CAR.
WHEN I ASK YOU TO KEEP SOME PISTACHIOS ON HAND,
TAKE SOME TIME OUT FROM YOUR BUBBLE BATH
AND GO TO THE MARKET.
THE MARKET DIDN'T HAVE ANY PISTACHIO NUTS, EARL.
THREE OTHER STORES DON'T EITHER.
YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE
THAT FOR SOME MYSTERIOUS REASON
THERE'S NO MORE PISTACHIO NUTS TO BE FOUND ANYWHERE?
WE INTERRUPT OUR PROGRAMMING
TO BRING YOU THIS NEWS BULLETIN.
PISTACHIOS--WHY AREN'T THERE ANY TO BE FOUND?
I'M WAITING, FRAN.
HELLO, I'M HOWARD HANDUPME.
TODAY THE DINOSAURS WHO-WALK-ON-ALL-FOURS
ENCROACHED THE SWAMP'S SOUTHEAST BANK,
WHICH DIVIDES OUR TWO NATIONS.
THIS AREA'S HOME TO OUR PISTACHIO NUT TREES
OR BUSHES-- WHATEVER THEY GROW ON.
OUR FLOW OF PISTACHIOS HAS BEEN CUT OFF INDEFINITELY.
A GOVERNMENT SPOKESMAN TOLD US THIS IS NO BIG DEAL
AND WILL CERTAINLY NOT ESCALATE INTO ANYTHING SERIOUS.
TONIGHT, A SWEEPING MINISERIES OF EPIC PROPORTIONS.
ONE FAMILY CAUGHT UP IN PREHISTORY'S GREATEST CONFLICT,
FEATURING A CAST OF 11 AND SHOT ON LOCATION
IN ONE REALLY BIG SOUND STAGE
AT A COST OF, WELL...
MORE THAN WE THOUGHT AT FIRST.
FOR THE FIRST TIME ON NETWORK TELEVISION...
STARRING...
SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY...
SO WE'LL JUST EAT PECANS.
PECANS?
EVERYONE KNOWS PECANS ARE A BAKING NUT.
THEY'RE HARDLY SUITED TO SNACKING.
ALL RIGHT, THEN CASHEWS.
CASHEWS COME ALREADY SHELLED.
WHERE'S THE CHALLENGE IN THAT?
WHY SHOULD I COMPROMISE MY SNACKING NEEDS?
DAD, YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT NUTS.
IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
THEY'RE THREATENING OUR LIVES!
IT'S NAKED AGGRESSION, PURE AND SIMPLE.
WE GOT TO GET NAKED RIGHT BACK AT THEM.
AH, TAKE THAT, YOU FOUR-LEGGED NUT-GRABBER!
YOU'RE SO FIRED UP, EARL.
NO ONE'S EVER CUT OFF MY PISTACHIOS BEFORE.
YEAH! EAT BARK, YOU QUAD-PODS!
RRARR!
HEY, HEY, GUYS, YOU KNOW WHY FOUR-LEGGERS WEAR HATS?
NO. WHY?
SO THEIR WIVES KNOW WHICH END TO KISS.
HA HA HA!
YOU KNOW WHY FOUR-LEGGERS CAN'T ROB A BANK?
WHY?
BECAUSE THEY'RE UNARMED.
HA HA HA!
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT THE LATEST NEWS IS?
I READ PISTACHIOS WILL BE 50 CENTS MORE A POUND.
50 CENTS! YOU GUYS SLAY ME!
HA HA HA!
WAKE UP.
ROY, IT'S NOT A JOKE.
50 CENTS A POUND?
WELL, I WON'T PAY IT!
THAT'S AN INCREASE OF...
WELL, ACTUALLY, FRAN DOES THE SHOPPING.
THE ELDER-IN-CHIEF'S CONSIDERING
NATIONWIDE NUT RATIONING.
HE'S MAKING A SPEECH ABOUT IT.
THINK WE CAN WATCH IT ON MR. RICHFIELD'S TV?
IN TIMES OF CRISIS LIKE THIS,
EVERYONE FORGETS THEIR DIFFERENCES AND COMES TOGETHER.
COME ON, LET'S GO!
WHAT'S THIS, A STRIKE?
YOU LOUSY GREEN TRASH, YOU'RE FIRED!
SIR, WE WERE WONDERING IF YOU WERE WATCHING
THE CHIEF ELDER'S SPEECH ON THE TV.
SINCE THIS AFFECTS YOUR SNACKS AS MUCH AS MINE, O.K.
IT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO
AFTER BLOWING YOUR PENSION FUND AT THE TRACK.
AND NOW A MESSAGE FROM OUR ELDER-IN-CHIEF.
HI.
HI.
DINOSAURS WHO-WALK-ON-ALL-FOURS
HAVE INVADED OUR SWAMPS AND SEIZED OUR PISTACHIOS.
I KNOW YOU'RE ALL UPSET ABOUT THE NUTS,
BUT THIS ISN'T ABOUT NUTS.
THIS IS BIGGER THAN NUTS,
BIGGER THAN ALL SNACK FOODS.
THIS IS ABOUT PRINCIPLE...
ABOUT JUSTICE,
ABOUT TRUTH.
IT'S A COMPLEX ISSUE,
BUT LUCKILY, IT CAN BE BOILED DOWN
TO A SIMPLE SLOGAN--
"WE ARE RIGHT."
CATCHY! EASY TO PRONOUNCE.
COMFORTING, TOO.
THE TIME HAS COME FOR BOLD AND DECISIVE ACTION,
AND, SO, TODAY, WE LAUNCH OPERATION "WE ARE RIGHT."
TOMORROW WE'LL SELECT SOME BIG, STRONG GUYS
TO GO TO THAT SWAMP
AND SPIT AT THOSE FOUR-LEGGERS UNTIL THEY GO AWAY.
NOW, WHO'S WITH ME?
WELL, UH...UH... UH...UH...
NATURALLY, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT SENDING
PRODUCTIVE MEMBERS OF SOCIETY.
IT'D BE MOSTLY TEENAGE BOYS AND THE POOR.
OH, GOOD. THIS JUST AFFECTS OUR KIDS.
GLAD I VOTED FOR HIM.
OUR CAUSE IS JUST,
OUR DUTY IS CLEAR,
AND OUR MOUTHS OVERFLOW
WITH THE SPITTLE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS.
PLEASE JOIN ME IN PRAYING FOR THE SAFE AND DRY RETURN
OF OUR BOYS.
OH, SURE.
OH, BROTHER.
OH, WHAT A LEADER.
HE'S NO WIMP.
YEAH. WHAT A GREAT DISTRACTION
FROM COMPLICATED DOMESTIC ISSUES.
YEP.
GENTLEMEN, TODAY'S A DAY OF CELEBRATION.
YEAH.
YEAH.
I'M GOING TO TIE ONE ON.
WHAT A BOSS!
HEY!
YOUR FOUR, BACK TO WORK!
OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.
I'M GOING, I'M GOING.
YOU FINISH YOUR JUICE?
THEN YOU CAN HAVE A YUMMY.
CAVEMAN CRACKER!
YAY!
GIMME, GIMME, GIMME, GIMME.
NOW, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
MORE!
NO, THAT'S NOT IT.
UM...
COME ON. YOU KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
I'M WAITING FOR THE MAGIC WORD.
GIMME!
AH!
WHAT'S THE MAGIC WORD?
YOU DON'T KNOW IT EITHER?
I KNOW IT. SO DO YOU.
UHH!
HEH!
WAAH!
NO. CRYING ISN'T GOING TO HELP.
MY COOKIE'S GONE!
BECAUSE YOU ATE IT.
THE COOKIE CREATURE TOOK IT.
OH, RIGHT. A COOKIE CREATURE TOOK IT.
DON'T TALK DOWN TO ME!
THIS IS BETWEEN YOU AND THE COOKIE CREATURE,
SO WORK IT OUT YOURSELVES.
OH, WELL, THANKS FOR NOTHING.
HONEY, I'M HOME.
DID YOU HEAR THE ELDER'S SPEECH?
SEE HOW FAST HE MADE UP THAT SLOGAN?
I THINK EVERYTHING'S HAPPENING AWFULLY FAST.
THEY'VE CALLED ROBBIE DOWN TO THE SELECTIVE SERVICE OFFICE.
SOON THEY'LL BE SHIPPING HIM OFF TO SOME SWAMP.
YOU THINK OUR ELDER-IN-CHIEF HASN'T THOUGHT THIS THROUGH?
YOU THINK HE'D RUN HEADLONG INTO SOME MACHO DISPLAY OF AGGRESSION
IN AN ELECTION YEAR?
WHERE'S THE LOGIC THERE?
YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN MALES GET TOGETHER
AND START POSTURING.
THIS "WE ARE RIGHT" THING COULD GET OUT OF HAND.
THEY'RE JUST DOING A LITTLE HISSING AND SPITTING.
THIS IS OUR GOVERNMENT.
OUR GOVERNMENT KNOWS WHAT IT'S DOING.
SHOULDN'T WE DRESS LIKE TREES TO BLEND IN?
YOU'RE THINKING TOO HARD.
JUST GET TO THE FRONT AND LET THE LOOGIES FLY.
JUST LOOK AT HIM.
READY TO STRIKE TERROR INTO THE HEARTS OF THE ENEMY.
I LIKE YOUR BLOUSE, SOLDIER.
I LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.
HEY, HAVE SOME RESPECT.
THAT UNIFORM WAS DESIGNED
BY THE ELDER-IN-CHIEF'S UNMARRIED BROTHER JULIAN.
O.K. NOW...
EVERYBODY SAY VICTORY.
NEGOTIATION.
THAT'S NO WAY TO TALK.
HAS ANYBODY TRIED TALKING TO THE OTHER SIDE
BEFORE GETTING WHIPPED INTO HYSTERIA?
IN SITUATIONS LIKE THIS,
THE ONLY RATIONAL RESPONSE IS HYSTERIA.
NOW GET YOUR GREEN BUTT TO THE SWAMP
AND DO YOUR DUTY.
OURS IS NOT TO REASON WHY, SCOOTER.
SAY GOODBYE. WE GOT TO GET MOVING.
YOU HAVE TO GO NOW?
WE GOT TO GET OUT THERE
AND KICK SOME FOUR-FOOTED ***.
THAT'S WHAT I LIKE HEARING.
[BUGLER BLOWING CALL TO ARMS]
WELL, THIS IS IT, BOYS.
NOW, ROBBIE,
I DON'T MIND YOU SPITTING FOR A GOOD CAUSE,
BUT IF THEY USE FOUL LANGUAGE,
CALL US, THEN GO STAND IN FRONT OF THE BATTLEFIELD.
WE'LL PICK YOU UP.
MOM...
OH...
OH!
OOH...
MOM, DON'T WORRY. I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
GOOD LUCK, BOYS! GIVE THEM ONE FOR ME!
WILL DO.
FRAN, OUR CAUSE IS JUST.
NO HARM CAN COME TO HIM
AS LONG AS HE WEARS OUR FLAG ON HIS UNIFORM.
GOODBYE, MOM. BYE, DAD.
GOODBYE, SON.
COME ON.
STAY DRY!
MAKE US PROUD, BOYS!
AND NOW, HERE'S DNN CORRESPONDENT HOWARD HANDUPME.
GOOD EVENING. I'M HOWARD HANDUPME.
TODAY OUR TROOPS SAW THEIR FIRST
HISSING AND SPITTING ACTION,
TURNING BACK A SQUAD OF EVIL FOUR-LEGGERS,
PROVING HOW RIGHT WE REALLY ARE.
WE HAVE THIS VIDEOTAPE OF TODAY'S ACTION
THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE TOO DISTURBING TO SHOW AT DINNERTIME.
DISTURBING? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
YOU KNOW THE BOYS.
ONE OF THEM PROBABLY MOONED THE CAMERA.
SO INSTEAD OF ACTUAL FOOTAGE,
WE NOW OFFER THIS DRAMATIC RECREATION.
THE DAY BEGAN WITH INTENSE SATURATION SPITTING,
WITH THE SKY SOMETIMES DARK
FROM ALL THE HOCK-TOOEYS FLYING BACK AND FORTH.
TAKE THAT, YOU FOUR-LEGGED PANSY!
I'M A WEAK SISSY COMPARED TO YOU.
I'LL RUN AWAY TO MOMMY.
YOU'D BETTER, BECAUSE THERE'S MORE!
THE BATTLE WENT LIKE THAT.
HMM.
COOKIE CREATURE, I'VE GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU.
IT'S YUMMY!
I'M NOT PAYING ATTENTION.
[SNIFFING]
WHAT'S THAT?
HOT! DON'T TOUCH!
AAH!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU WANT A BATH.
NO! NO BATH, MAMA! NO BATH!
NO, NO! OH...
HA HA HA HA!
GRRR!
HE'S DEAD MEAT.
MOM, GRANDMA, THERE'S GOOD NEWS FROM THE FRONT.
IT'S SOMETHING ABOUT ROBBIE?
ROBBIE AGAIN.
ALL YOU'RE INTERESTED IN IS ROBBIE. ROBBIE, ROBBIE!
CHARLENE!
THEY WANT GIRLS TO ENTERTAIN THE TROOPS,
AND THEY PICKED ME!
WE'LL DO A BIG MUSICAL SHOW AT THE FRONT.
ISN'T THAT DANGEROUS?
IT'S TRUE MOST MUSICALS DO FAIL,
BUT WE'VE GOT SOME GREAT SONGS... AND COSTUMES.
SEE?
WHAT DOES USO STAND FOR?
THE UNINHIBITED SISTERS OF OTHER GUYS.
WE'LL BRING HOME TO A LOT OF LONELY KIDS.
AND I GET TO BE OUT OF SCHOOL!
LONELY KIDS.
THOSE POOR BOYS SO FAR FROM HOME.
DON'T WORRY, FRANNIE.
THE WHOLE NATION'S PRAYING FOR THEIR SAFE RETURN.
IN THESE DIFFICULT TIMES,
WITH OUR SONS AWAY FIGHTING FOR ALL WE HOLD SACRED,
WE MUST SUMMON COURAGE, PRAY FOR OUR BOYS,
AND STICK TOGETHER.
AND WHEN YOU NEED THINGS TO STICK TOGETHER,
THINK OF WACKY GLUE!
WHETHER WOOD, PLASTIC, PORCELAIN, OR GLASS,
WACKY GLUE BONDS INSTANTLY, PERMANENTLY.
THE OFFICIAL ADHESIVE OF OPERATION "WE ARE RIGHT."
I'M MAJOR SAVINGS.
I'M MAJOR VALUES.
AND WE BOTH SUPPORT OUR TROOPS
BY BATTLING HIGH PRICES AT STAN'S HOUSE OF STEREO.
REMEMBER, NOBODY EVER SAVED MONEY BY BUYING RETAIL.
HE SAVED BY MAKING THE OTHER SON OF A GUN BUY RETAIL.
SO MARCH DOWN TO STAN'S HOUSE OF STEREO.
AND THAT'S AN ORDER!
MOM? DO YOU EVER FEEL, YOU KNOW...NOT PATRIOTIC?
IT BOTHERS ME THAT THESE COMMERCIALS
ARE TRIVIALIZING SOMETHING SO SERIOUS.
HMM. WELL, NOBODY'S REALLY STUPID ENOUGH
TO FALL FOR THAT TACKY COMMERCIALIZATION.
HEY, FRANNIE, LOOK AT ALL THIS NEAT STUFF
THEY'RE SELLING ON THE STREETS.
THAT'S IN POOR TASTE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, POOR TASTE?
THIS THING LIGHTS UP. NICE, HUH?
OH!
HA. DID I MISS THE BATTLE HIGHLIGHTS?
I HOPE ROBBIE'S OUT ON THE FRONT LINE
WHERE THE CAMERAS ARE.
OUR LEADERS ARE EXTREMELY OPTIMISTIC,
AS EVERYTHING PROCEEDS EXACTLY ACCORDING TO PLAN.
I'VE JUST BEEN HANDED A BATTLE UPDATE.
HEY!
OH, NO! THIS CAN'T BE.
DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN, SAY IT ISN'T SO!
PLEASE, NO!
IT'S NOTHING. EVERYTHING'S FINE.
NOW HERE'S DWAYNE WITH SPORTS.
WHAT HAPPENED? IT WAS SOMETHING BAD, WASN'T IT?
WHY AREN'T THEY TELLING US WHAT'S GOING ON?
THE ARMY WOULDN'T TAKE ME. I CAN'T SALUTE.
I'D BE THERE IN A SECOND IF I WASN'T BADLY NEEDED
IN THE CIVILIAN SECTOR.
DANISH, ANYONE?
NOT THAT I DON'T BLINDLY BELIEVE
ALL OUR GOVERNMENT'S SAYING,
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE NEWS BLACKOUT?
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
I'M SAYING THAT AFTER ALL THE GOOD NEWS,
SUDDENLY THEY'RE NOT TELLING US ANYTHING.
YOU THINK THE OTHER SIDE HAS SPITTING SUPERIORITY?
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
I HEAR OUR SIDE'S GOING TO THROW STICKS.
STICKS? SOMEBODY COULD LOSE AN EYE.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH GOVERNMENT POLICIES, SINCLAIR?
NO, I WAS JUST THINKING--
THINKING?
IF EVERYONE SAT AROUND THINKING,
WE'D NEVER GET AN OPERATION OFF THE GROUND.
'COURSE, MAYBE YOU'D LIKE THAT, EH, SINCLAIR?
DO YOU WALK AROUND ON ALL FOURS AT HOME?
LET'S SEE YOUR PALMS.
WHEN YOU BUY SOCKS, HOW MANY ARE IN A PACK?
HEY, GUYS, EARL'S NO QUAD LOVER.
HE'S GOT A BOY AT THE FRONT.
TELL THEM. YOU'RE NOT THINKING.
THERE'S NOTHING GOING ON IN THAT HEAD.
YOU KNOW ME. I'M THE LAST PERSON TO START THINKING.
YOU STILL BELIEVE WE ARE RIGHT, DON'T YOU, EARL?
OF COURSE I DO.
ALL RIGHT.
THOUSAND POINTS OF LIGHT.
SO, EARL, DANISH...
OR NOT?
OH...
WHAT'S EVERYBODY ELSE HAVING?
AH!
GOOD FELLA.
THERE. PERFECT.
OH...
MA, I'LL BE FINE.
IT'S JUST THAT FIRST ROBBIE GOES OFF, NOW YOU.
IT'S HARD FOR A MOTHER
TO GET USED TO HER CHILDREN BEING SPIT ON.
THE GIRLS WILL BE FINE.
YEAH, YEAH.
HEY, HOLD THE PHONE.
WHY'S THAT FOUR-LEGGER IN MY HOUSE?
I CAME IN FOR SOME COFFEE.
A CUP OF CLASSIFIED MILITARY SECRETS, MORE LIKE IT.
CHECK HER NECKLACE FOR MICROPHONES.
O.K.
HI, ROY.
UH...HEH HEH.
YEAH. UH...UH...
HEE HEE HEE.
THIS PUTS ME IN A QUANDARY, PALLY-BOY.
MONICA MIGHT BE AN ENEMY OF THE STATE,
BUT I GOT A CRUSH ON HER BIG TIME.
EARL, YOU'RE OVERREACTING. MONICA'S OUR FRIEND.
COUNT HER LEGS, FRAN. THEY SPELL ENEMY!
I HAVE LIVED HERE SINCE I WAS 12.
SURE, GATHERING INTELLIGENCE FOR THE ENEMY.
YOU WON'T FIND ANY INTELLIGENCE HERE!
I'M INSULTED AND OFFENDED
THAT YOU COULD EVEN QUESTION MY ALLEGIANCE.
THEN YOU WOULDN'T MIND TAKING A LOYALTY OATH.
WHAT OATH?
OH, IT'S VERY SIMPLE.
RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND.
I DON'T HAVE A RIGHT HAND.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
AND NOW, A DNN SPECIAL REPORT
LIVE FROM THE FRONT.
WELCOME TO THE FIRST PRESS BRIEFING
OF OPERATION WE ARE RIGHT.
WE'LL OPEN UP THE FLOOR TO QUESTIONS.
FEEL FREE TO ASK ANYTHING.
IT'S IMPORTANT THAT YOU FEEL
THERE IS OPEN AND HONEST COMMUNICATION
WITH THE MILITARY.
YES?
SIR, OVER HERE!
HOW'S OUR SIDE DOING?
THAT WAS NOT ON THE LIST.
OH, SORRY, SIR.
HOW ABOUT, UH... NUMBER 3?
EXCELLENT QUESTION.
ARE WE PLEASED BY HOW WELL OUR TROOPS ARE PERFORMING?
THE ANSWER--YES!
GREAT!
NEXT QUESTION.
PLEASE DON'T CONSTRUE THIS
AS BEING CRITICAL,
BUT CAN WE SHORTEN THE SLOGAN "WE ARE RIGHT"?
WE WRITE IT DOWN A LOT.
COULD WE CALL IT W-A-R?
HOW WOULD YOU PRONOUNCE THAT?
WELL, I GUESS IT WOULD BE...WHAR.
NO. IT WOULD BE WAYR.
WAAR. WHAAR.
[ARGUING]
YOU SAID THERE'S BEEN NO ESCALATION IN THE FIGHTING,
YET WE HAVE A VIDEOTAPE HERE
SHOWING THE USE OF DIRT CLODS ON THE BATTLEFIELD!
THEY'RE THROWING DIRT CLODS?
WELL, LET 'EM. OUR BOYS ARE GOING TO THROW STICKS.
OH! STICKS?
CLAM UP.
WHAT?
SOMEONE COULD PUT OUT AN EYE!
THIS HAS GOTTEN OUT OF HAND.
EARL, GO TO THE FRONT AND BRING ROBBIE HOME.
ARE YOU KIDDING? I CAN'T GO UP THERE.
WHY NOT? OUR SON IS IN DANGER.
FRANNIE, IT'S A MILITARY OPERATION.
NO ONE'S ALLOWED UP THERE.
NO MOMMIES, NO DADDIES. JUST SOLDIERS.
AND USO GIRLS, LIKE ME.
HMM.
THIS IS HUMILIATING.
WELL, SURE. IT'S YOUR FIRST TIME.
NEXT WEEK, DINOSAURS' EPIC MINISERIES CONTINUES.
AS THEIR LIVES ARE PLUNGED EVEN DEEPER
INTO THE SWIRLING VORTEX OF WAR,
EACH MEMBER OF THE SINCLAIR FAMILY
STRUGGLES TO MAINTAIN SANITY
IN A WORLD GONE MAD.