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[Audience applauds]
[Audience applauds]
[Audience applauds]
Good evening, San Marcos!
Welcome to the final performance of the final production under the tutelage of a Mr. David Holmes!
[Audience cheers]
A true gentleman, a scholar...
...and the sole man responsible for all the debauchery you are about to see on this stage.
Some of it questionably legal.
Seems like we have a very wonderful audience tonight.
[Audience cheers]
It looks like therapy is working on some of you.
...or starting to.
Show of applause...
How many of you were here last night?
[Applause]
Quite a lot of you.
Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you
but it's just going to be the same old ***.
[Laughter]
To wit... let's get started, shall we?
I would like...
[Audience: You would, would you?]
If I may...
[Audience: You may!]
Well, I was going to do it anyway.
To take you on a strange journey.
[Audience: How strange was it?]
It was so strange,
they thought it was appropriate for a high school stage.
[Laughter]
It seemed a fairly ordinary night
when Brad Majors
[Audience: ***!]
[Laughter]
That was for him, not me.
And his fiancée, Janet Weiss...
[Audience: ***!]
That could have been for me.
Two young, ordinary, healthy kids...
[Audience: Healthy?] They are now. Give it time.
Left Denton that late November evening
to visit a Dr. Everett Scott
[Audience: Suck my ***!] No thank you.
I don't do miniatures.
[Laughter]
Dr. Scott was ex-tutor and now friend to both of them.
It's true there were dark storm clouds...
[Audience: Describe your balls!]
...heavy, black, and pendulous
the left one slightly larger than the right
just like the storm clouds toward which they were driving.
It's true also that the spare tire they were carrying
was badly in need of some air.
[Audience: Like your neck?]
Actually, I prefer to fill my neck with scotch.
But they, being normal--
What's with the water?
We've already done that scene! Weren't you watching?
We've done that already. Look...
If you're going to have your head in his lap, look up once in a while, take a breath.
See what's going on up here.
[Laughter]
Now wipe off your chin and pay attention.
[Laughter]
Now, Brad and Janet, being normal kids and on a night out
well, they were not going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening
on a night out.
[Thunder]
It was a night out--
[Audience: It was a night in!]
It was a night-- It was a night out!
[Audience yelling]
It was a night out they would remember...
[Thunder]
for a very...
...long...
...time.