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My name is Lt. Col. Mary Carlisle.
I've been in the Air Force for 20 years and my specialty is critical care nursing.
I was deployed to the Air Force theater hospital at Balad in Iraq.
I was the night shift shift leader in the intensive care unit.
Before I deployed, I thought
"I'm an experienced critical care nurse, there's noting I can't handle."
But, that quickly changed and the casualties came in every single night:
IED blasts, burns.
The helicopters would come in one right after the other,
and it was so noisy with the generators, and the people shouting,
and the heat and these horrific injuries over and over-
things that just were very difficult to see and take care of.
I found myself starting to isolate myself.
I started feeling very, very angry and I couldn't figure out why.
I think it was because we were in such a helpless situation.
There were many women, children, service members that died,
and I took care of them as they died and it just, to me,
went against what I've been trained to do and what is ingrained in me,
and that's saving lives.
And you just get this overwhelming sense of helplessness and hopelessness,
and I brought that home with me.
We are down here on the National Mall, in front of the Lincoln Memorial,
and I just love coming down here just to kind of reflect,
and it recharges me to come down here.
The Vietnam Women's Memorial is my favorite memorial
and it really reminded me of my deployment
because of the emotions that I felt, and if you look in their eyes you can see
that.
In most of the photos you see of me, I'm smiling.
But, I can tell you that I was not a happy person
during my deployment.
When I returned home, I attended some leadership conferences
where they showed these wonderful, patriotic videos and I recognized
that some of the scenes were from Balad, from my rotation at Balad,
and it was very, very difficult for me to watch.
It brought all those emotions, all those feelings right back.
And, I actually thought that I might have post-traumatic stress disorder,
but I didn't really think I needed to seek treatment.
But, it was after these series of events that I finally said,
"I really need to get help."
It was not just here and there mass casualties,
it was continuous...
Iwona and I were roommates at Balad, so when I came back we reconnected,
and then I saw that she did a profile and
it just inspired me to get my treatment for PTSD
and to tell my story.
And I told myself that I can't be an effective leader
if I'm not taking care of myself first.
So, I self-referred to the mental health clinic here
and when the psychologist did diagnose me with PTSD,
it was such a sense of relief because finally there was a reason,
an explanation for why I was feeling this way,
and it was like a weight was lifted and I knew that,
OK, now I can get the treatment that I need.
I get the majority of my support from my Air Force family
and I've got some great friends.
They encouraged me to get the help that I needed
and I freely told them that this is what I want to do,
it's finally time, and they have been my biggest cheerleaders,
they really, really have.
I actually think for anyone to go in and stand up and say,
"Hey, I have a problem, I need help,"
only shows more strength in that person, more resolve for themselves.
And I think by more people coming forward and
sharing their positive experience of seeking help
and getting the help that they need is breaking those barriers.
And I think that anybody who does come forward is a hero.
If there's an airman, or a staff sergeant,
or a lieutenant who's wondering about how this affect their career,
Mary's story is the perfect example of how seeking treatment,
allowing yourself to heal,
will actually help you move forward in your career.
She's moving on to a command position.
It's been very rewarding for me to share my experiences,
and it's made a positive improvement in my overall well being.
I feel content, I feel peace that I did the best I could
when I was there and that I'm not focusing so much on
how many lives were lost but on how many lives were saved
and that I had directly contributed to saving many lives.
I think someone shows real strength when
they finally realize that they can't do it alone and that they need,
that it's OK for them to get the help that they need.
And, it's not a sign of weakness,
it's a sign of strength to improve your mental health
just like you improve your physical health.
There are some of us out there who have
seen the worst of the worst, day in and day out,
and what you're experiencing is
a very normal reaction to a very abnormal situation.
And, some folks can cope very well with that
and I would say the majority of others
have some degree of difficulty coping and,
for me, I needed professional therapy
and I'm so glad, I'm so glad I did it.