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(gentle music)
- Ooh, ah, ah.
- You know how like
all the fur on dogs looks the same?
So it could be like dog pubes,
like and you're just like petting their pubes.
What happened to you?
- [Man] Did you get my note about the electric bill?
- Yeah, I'll get you back
when I book that Sleepy Hollow job.
- Hi.
- Brandon, Xanadu. Xanadu, my little brother.
- What's up?
- [Brandon] Brittany, we're gonna get roaches again.
- They don't bite.
- What happened to going shopping?
- It's so depressing.
It's like all these moms in yoga pants
and carts filled with kale only, ugh!
(female moaning)
- Brittany!
- It's not even my puke.
- [Brandon] That's worse.
I'm going to stay with mom and dad.
- Like for the week?
- I paid the rent through the end of the month.
If you wanna renew the lease,
you need to find a new roommate.
- You're moving out, why?
Is it because Xanadu used your loofah?
- [Brandon] It is now.
Hello?
Mom?
Dad?
So much orange juice.
- Yo, Brando!
Dream team back together again (laughs).
Hey listen, I just got all six seasons of Kojac on blu ray.
We are gonna have so much fun.
- I saw your suitcase in the hallway.
Something happened, was it toxic mold?
It's a silent killer.
- There's no toxic mold.
I'm just staying here until I can get up enough money
to rent a studio or something.
- What did your sister do to you?
You can tell me.
Is she doing drugs again?
- No new ones.
- Mom, I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself.
- Remember when you came out of the closet?
I was just thinking about it.
I know you're not busy.
Brandon says you just lie around the house all day,
reading your horoscope.
- I have a very important audition.
- Are you sure it's a real audition this time?
- That was one guy, one van, one time.
No, this is legit.
It's for network TV.
Do you want me to do anything?
- Well, you're already dead, so no.
- [Brittany] So I'd be playing a dead body?
- I mean, it's cheaper than renting dummies.
- You're gonna have to learn how to do this yourself.
I'm not gonna be around forever.
Click on the link you wanna report to spam.
- You know, spam used to come in a can.
Funny story, your uncle Mike and I
were in Tijuana once, eating nothing but spam and ***.
- Yeah, you spent the whole night in the hospital, I know.
You're stalling, just click on it.
Okay, good.
Now click on Report as Spam.
- That's it?
- That's it.
Now all emails from Ruskibaby69
are gonna go to your spam box.
- She said she wanted to do sex with me.
- It's becoming very clear
why your inbox is full of so much spam.
- Was.
This is a reason to celebrate.
I have a bottle of whisky I've been saving
for a moment like this.
- I know he was really upset
about that feral cat that I let live with us,
but it needed a home.
And he was always saying stuff like,
"Stop shaving your legs in the sink,
"or I'm gonna move out."
Oh my God, what if you moved in?
Yeah, we could like chill and party.
Share rent.
- You know, rent's not really my thing.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Dumb idea.
- Before I met your mom,
I was shakin' it up with this go-go dancer named Shasta.
- Go on.
- We used to play this little game called
Escaped Convict and the Warden's Wife.
- Ew.
- Don't hold back, buddy.
- [Brandon] Okay, all right.
- Remember what I taught you.
- Better believe I won, old man.
- [Dad] You can do it.
Woah!
- Yeah!
Is that bacon?
What are you doing? Cooking?
- You and your father were having so much fun last night,
so I thought we could have a little talk.
How are you doing really?
- I'm fine.
Supposed to get another email today about a new temp job.
It's data entry.
- Remember when you won that award
for being gifted and talented?
- Yeah, that was the fifth grade.
- And then after college,
when you started that fantastic bike sharing business?
- Can we not talk about this?
It's a little early, don't you think?
- It's noon.
And data entry?
- I like data entry. I like temping.
It's easy, there's no commitment,
and they give you bagels on Tuesdays.
- I know, I know.
I just thought you wanted more than that.
But if you need to move in here permanently
when you figure things out,
your father and I are happy to have you.
Okay?
- [Brandon] Okay, thank you.
- Bacon?
- [Brandon] Yes.
- You're not kosher anymore?
Remember that phase?
- [Brandon] Yeah, I was dating a Jewish girl.
- Right, I know.
(gentle music)
- ***, it's even worse than I thought.
- What are you doing here?
- A load of whites.
And busting you out of this place
before you drink the Kool Aid.
- I'm actually gonna stay a while.
- For good?
- Just until I figure out what I'm gonna do next.
- Just come back already.
- Brittany, no.
I can't live with you,
you're not an adult.
- Fine.
Good luck having fun with mom and dad.
Hey, do you know where they keep the bleach?
- Assumed you used it up in your ***.
- I'm hairless.
- [Brandon] It's for your skin, idiot.
- You know Brittany, you're always welcome to move home too.
- Yeah, right.
Maybe when I'm dead.
- So, what are you going to do about finding a new roommate?
- Oh, why don't you just have Xanadu move in with you?
- [Mom] Xanadu?
- That's Brittany's new girlfriend.
- Xanadu?
- Xanadu's a very in-demand DJ.
- What kind of beats does she spin?
- We just wanna make sure
that you end up with someone who's gonna take care of you.
You know, we met the nicest lesbian working at the bank.
- She used to be a gym teacher.
- Jesus, I'm not gonna date your bank teller.
I know you guys all think acting's one big joke,
but I am this close
to being a featured corpse in Sleepy Hollow.
- Well sometimes, things just don't work out.
I wanted to be an astronaut.
- And I put my foot down, and I said,
"No way."
- And, somebody was a better corpse than me.
- At least you're trying.
- And failing. Constantly.
- It's better than sitting in a cubical all day.
The other day I was spilling coffee on myself.
I didn't notice until it was burning me.
Dripping down my leg.
- I always thought at this point in my life,
things would be...
- Better?
- Yeah, pretty much.
- ***! Bowser.
- Bowser.
- You play.
- No way, I know what you're trying to do.
- You'll see, it's not so bad here.
- Is that bacon?
- [Mom] Who's still hungry?
- [Dad] That bacon smells so damn good, honey.
- [Mom] Oh yeah?
- What's happening? Mom never cooks.
- Don't complain or she'll stop.
- The thing with wrestling an emu
is you wanna avoid the feet.
- Yeah, I could see that.
- [Dad] Okay, princess.
- Geena Davis, A League of Their Own!
(laughter)
- Mom, we're out of snacks.
- [Mom] No more snacks before dinner.
It's taco night. (speaking Spanish)
- Taco night's the best. - Yeah.
(phone buzzing)
- Oh, that's your phone, loser.
- Oh. The temp agency.
Hello?
- So you are alive.
'Cause when you didn't respond to my last 50 emails,
I thought you fell off a cliff or something.
- I'm sorry, I haven't gotten any emails from you.
Oh, they seem to have all gone to my spam folder.
- Look Brandon, I need you to be better than this.
Flu season is just around the corner
and we need all hands on deck.
- That is so weird.
Why would all my emails go to the spam folder?
- Help me block spam from my email.
All the emails go straight to spam.
It's so great having you here, buddy.
Whiskey baby can't find me?
- Dad!
- Dad who?
- Dad's been sabotaging me.
And that's why mom has been cooking so well.
They're trying to make us fat and lazy
so that we never leave.
- Why would we want to?
It's taco night.
- There's always gonna be a taco night.
We need more than this.
- Mario Kart?
- No, look, you're talented as ***
and I was a genius in the fifth grade.
Let's go home.
- You wanna live with me again?
I gotta get my laundry.
- Oh, God.
(speaking Spanish)
- Let's get this party started.
- Run.
- Where are you going?
- Please don't leave.
- [Brandon] Can't keep us here forever.
- [Brittany] Good luck learning how to post
pictures on Facebook.
- [Mom] I'll take you to the mall, we'll go shopping.
- [Dad] I've got a 12-year-old Scotch with your name on it.
- [Brandon] Come on, let's go.
- [Brittany] Don't look back, go.
- I think I went too far with his emails.
- They'll be back. - Yeah.
- Do I have to?
- Just until you get your big break or I win the lottery.
- [Voiceover] Temps for hire.
- Hi, I was wondering if you needed any more temps.
- [Voiceover] Can you hold, please?
- Yeah, you got it.
That was my eyeball.
That was close.
- Can't have taco night with two people.
- It's come to this.