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Facebook isn't a "thing" anymore. Before the internet,
if you didn't have a television, people automatically assumed you were weird.
Now, if you don't have a Facebook account,
you're either old, weird or both.
Still, there are times when I envy those old weirdos.
They don't have to go through the mindless stupidity of those facebook status updates.
But I have to be honest with you. I'm not completely innocent
in all this. Even I have the occasional emo Facebook
break down: "Wish somebody cared about me...
guess I'll just get in my 'loner' car
and drive to Lonelyville... right after I grab lunch
at that new restaurant Table For One."
The first of the five most annoying facebook status updates
is the "Food I Just Made/Ate Photo"
Maybe it's the wave of celebrity chefs and foodie culture
that has swept the nation, but this isn't Saveur magazine.
Unless you're inviting us over to partake in the mastication of said food,
nobody wants to see photos of it. If anything,
you're just taunting us with your food. What if a homeless guy logged in to his Facebook account
and saw that? Don't you think he's already haunted enough
by his subscription to Saveur magazine? You and your
food make me sick. The second most annoying
facebook status update is... the "Gym" update.
Exercise is good. Staying healthy is good. You shouldn't be shy about that.
But I would venture to guess if Americans spent in the gym
the amount of time Americans spend talking about the gym on Facebook.
Instead, their obesity rates are the only
thing getting up. If only running through the photo albums
of people we think are hot had the same aerobic benefit
as actual running. The third one is the "Bet You Won't Repost This!" update.
The message seems pretty innocuous. Something like,
"Not everyone has a sibling who they can count on.
If you have a sibling and love them then repost this.
Unfortunately 99% of you don't have the guts to repost this!"
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't catch that, as I was too busy
actually spending time with my sibling and not just making a claim
with a pitiful 154 characters.
Get off your high horse. I'll bet that horse
spends more time with his equine siblings than you do.
And he doesn't go on Facebook clopping away at his
keyboard about it. And the fourth most annoying facebook status update
is the"Why Can't I Find a Nice Guy?" update
I'm not going to claim that guys never post about this subject,
but let's be honest, girls are more likely
to complain about this on Facebook. "Why can't
I just meet a nice, normal guy?!" Well, you don't meet any
nice guys because you don't want nice, and your standards
aren't normal. Take it from me. I have the
standards of a Chinese lead toy factory
and it feels fantastic. But really, nice guys are everywhere.
That guy who held the door open for you and smiled
while you were listening to your ex berate you over
the phone? Nice guy. That guy who picked up that book
you were reading, "How to Meet a Nice Guy",
that fell out of your bag? Nice guy. That guy who shared his umbrella with you
as you made your way into a lecture called "Settling for Mr. Perfect"?
Well, he was probably just trying to pick up chicks,
but maybe he was nice, too! For the sake of gender equality
in this video, if guys posted their thoughts about
women on Facebook, no woman would have a male
Facebook friend. Last but not least the "Facebook Game Request" update
Oh no, someone needs wrenches to fix the Gravitron
and beat back relatives from impregnating their 13-year-old daughter in
Carny Life Adventure! Join up and give them wrenches!
Who would have thought you could somehow waste time
while using Facebook, the ultimate time waster?
Well, enough wasting time, I've got profiles to stalk.
Don't forget to subscribe, like this video
and share it with all your annoying facebook friends!