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NARRATOR: The bucket list.
See the glaciers before they melt.
Go on an African safari.
Encounter the world's largest mammal.
The ultimate things to do before you die.
Or are they?
If I was on me deathbed,
there's no way I'd want to be climbing Kilimanjaro.
It's not things to do a few minutes before you die.
It's things to do in your life.
It's difficult. He was so suspicious after the last time.
Here we go.
We've told him that he gets to choose from the list
whatever he wants to do.
It's like Romeo and Juliet.
But that doesn't mean that there won't be a few treats in store
that he's not expecting.
(GROANS)
This is a man who's reluctant.
This is a man who doesn't want to do these things.
-(NERVOUSLY) No. No. -MAN: Let it happen.
It's making Karl do things that other people want to do before they die.
Yeah, exactly, yeah. This isn't his list.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
You *** ***! Ahhh!
Climbing Mount Everest. People dream of doing that.
-I'm not doing that. -What about climb Mount Fuji? In Japan.
See, if it's made for tourists, I'm guessing it's not that...
It wasn't made.
No, what I mean, a lot of people, if a lot of people...
-It's like Kilimanjaro. -Right.
A lot of people used to say that's big and what have you,
but now everyone does it.
-As long as it's not like that. -Mmm.
I nearly died once on a hill like that, 'cause I started running.
Going downwards. I couldn't stop. I kept chucking myself on me ***.
And I kept bouncing back up the wall.
It's not funny. I nearly went into chips,
like through the bottom of a slate wall.
-Into chips? -Yeah, like,
smashing through a slate wall. It would have cut me up into like,
you know, that sort of chip... chip shape.
What do you mean? Why would you have been made into chips?
'Cause there was no cement in it. It's just like a man-made slate...
-Oh! You mean... -I was carrying slate with me dad.
So you were thieving?
-No, it's natural. -Right.
You can't nick off nature, can you?
So you were running down a hill with slate in your pockets and...
-No, just in your hand. -Right.
I had hold of it like that, going down the hill,
-started to pick up a bit of speed... -Yeah.
And before you know it,
me dad's going like, "Don't drop it."
-And the weight of it... -Your dad said, "Don't drop it."
Yeah. "I'd rather you were made into chips than to drop
-"any of this precious natural slate." -Yeah.
Me dad's mate, Sid, had to jump and sort of grab me round the legs.
Cut up me face and everything.
It's amazing!
-Yeah. This is going to be a doddle to you. -Yeah.
A cat cafe?
JAMIE: You pay to come and pet cats.
-How much? -JAMIE: Fifteen quid.
-Fifteen pounds? To stroke a cat? -JAMIE: For half an hour.
All right, there you go. Time starts now, I guess.
(PHONE RINGING)
(RICKY ON PHONE)
Just at a little cafe. With some cats.
Yeah, it's a cat cafe. If you want coffee and a cat, you come here.
Not really. Fifteen quid it is.
For half an hour.
They're not even friendly.
No, but this isn't helping.
They're not even being friendly. They're not coming near me.
Your cat's friendlier. And you know how much that cat does me head in.
I'd love to see your cat in here, you know. It would get battered.
The way you spoil it.
(RICKY LAUGHING)
Honestly, it would be like a posh kid going to a rough school.
But I've done wrestling.
It's just all about the *** thing, innit, with Ricky.
Making me look a ***. You can't look good in a ***.
A baby doesn't look good in a ***. It's not a good look.
And it's not even a skill I want to learn, really, sumo.
What training do they have to do?
It's just pure... It's just eating, innit?
That's the workout.
It's just something for fat people to do.
Which is good, 'cause fat people haven't got many sports, you know.
I suppose it gets them off their ***.
I just don't want to be under it.
Are you having a laugh?
(GRUNTING)
Have you seen the size of them?
Look at them, they're like two rhinos at each other.
It's unbelievable, the force they're cracking.
Just that, is it? That's what you have to do?
You have to push him out of the ring?
JAMIE: Are there any of them that you think you could fight?
Yeah, him over there with the blue shirt and glasses on.
Can we at least get out of the *** thing?
Can we at least just say we don't need to do that?
'Cause it's more about the pushing and the shoving and the fight
than the fashion.
JAMIE: What do you want to wear, Karl?
I just need underpants.
But they're not wearing their pants, are they?
No, probably because they can't get any to fit them.
-Karl? -Karl, yeah.
-Hey, Karl. -How are you?
Hello. Mawashi?
-Say again? -Mawashi.
-The ***... -Mawashi. Let's go.
-Just wear these? -Hurry up.
All right, is it okay if I keep these on?
-No. -Just give it a go.
Let's just have a look. Try.
Try. Please? Can we just try?
Nah.
-Go on. -No.
It's fine. It is.
See?
Yeah, but... But I'll be facing you.
You shouldn't be looking at my ***. This is a fight.
It's not *** competition.
Once that is on, I can tuck it all in. And you will not see.
(BOTH SPEAKING JAPANESE)
Can we just try?
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
It's nipping. It's definitely nipping.
Okay, boys.
JAMIE: It's, erm, special sacred water or something.
You're supposed to drink their water.
KARL: Could be sweat or anything, that. MAN: Drink water.
It's fine if I get the *** anyway, innit? I've got this on.
(WRESTLERS YELLING)
(GRUNTING)
-Come on. -Yeah, in a minute. I'm gonna catch you.
-JAMIE: Push, push, push. -I am!
Let me do that. I think that bit's easier.
Push!
*** get back, you ***...
(GRUNTING)
All right, okay. Yeah, you win. You win. All right, then!
***' hell! What's he doing?
Yeah.
It was a shock to the system. I wouldn't normally let that happen.
If someone that size had a go at me, I would run.
And that's what I have been given by nature. Faster legs.
Got to catch him out. I've got speed on my side.
He had me by it, he could carry me around like a handbag.
He grabbed the back of me, his finger went up there.
I'm sure he was checking for me prostrate.
No!
Ricky's always saying I should have that done at my age.
He's left a *** ring up there.
(PHONE RINGING)
(RICKY ON PHONE)
Erm, honestly, I got absolutely battered.
Thrown all over the place.
Do you know that sort of classic nature thing
of a killer whale throwing a seal through the air?
It was like that. If... Stick a *** on that seal, that is what you've got.
Er, got sweat in me eyes, wasn't mine. That's a first.
Yeah, you got that.
That's exactly what happened.
(RICKY LAUGHING)
Well, basically, you've got your bucket list, then.
I haven't had mine yet but you've got your wish.
(RICKY LAUGHING)
Jesus Christ.
Excuse me, is Kinshicho far away from here?
Excuse me, you don't know where Kinshicho is, do you? No?
Excuse me, do you know where Kinshicho is? Kinshicho?
Er, Kinshicho. Do you know the price to that?
-What? -Price to Kinshicho? Is it dear?
-Yes. -Expensive?
Don't worry, I'll keep asking. No, I don't know Japanese.
Kinshicho. Kinshicho.
Yeah, I'm just happy to finally get to the hotel, to be honest.
-Number 318. -Room 318?
-Yes. This on the third floor. Yes. -Second floor.
-Third. -Second.
-Third. Yes. -Third?
-Are you from? -Am I from Rome?
Are you from?
-I'm from London. -London?
-London, yeah. -Oh, yeah.
London.
Bit weird, innit? It's like a morgue.
This is your capsule room.
Right.
(GRUNTING)
(WOODWIND NOTES WHINING)
You can watch TV.
Japanese TV.
Yeah, but I can hear noise. Is that someone staying in the cubicle?
Is someone playing an instrument? Can you hear that? That noise?
I'm very tired. I've had a long day.
There's someone in a cubicle playing saxophone.
-(MUSIC CONTINUES) -Listen.
Erm, you can watch...watch TV. Television.
Don't worry about it. It's all right.
I'm so tired, I'll sleep. I'll sleep anywhere. It's okay.
I'm going to go to sleep. Thank you very much.
You have a good night.
-Good night. -See you, then.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
KARL: ***' hell. Jesus.
-JAMIE: Karl. -Mmm.
Didn't sleep that much.
Saxophone bloke was at it.
Bloke was having crisps down there.
(PHONE RINGING)
(STEVE ON PHONE)
Yeah, it was like being in a coffin with a cat flap on it.
So cheers for that. You wouldn't get a sumo wrestler in it.
It was like a lunch box for one of them.
(ALL SPEAKING JAPANESE)
(ALL SPEAKING JAPANESE)
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
(MAN LEADING EXERCISES OVER PA)
KARL: I mean, there's like 2,000 builders here
working on a massive building.
It's obviously something that they do
every day before they start work.
It's like a scene in Glee, innit? Or Fame.
You don't put the two together, in a way.
All that dancing stuff en masse, in this industry.
But I don't know,
if I'm having some building work doing, if I'd be happy...
'Cause I get stressed out with builders at home.
I've caught them doing all sorts,
they're sat on their *** having coffee, doing a crossword...
They never turn up on time.
When they do, I want them focused on the plumbing or whatever.
If I come in and go, "Is the plumbing sorted?"
And they go, "Oh, Alan's outside doing star jumps."
I'd be going, "Hang on a minute,
"why can't he do that before he got to work?
"If he wants to do exercise, why is he doing it in work time?
"Get the work done!"
I mean, there's got to be more to Japan than this.
I mean, what have I done, really? I've stroked a cat in a cafe,
I've wrestled a fat fella wearing a ***
and I've done some exercise with some builders.
I thought it was going to be all futuristic.
Gadgets, robots. Where are they?
Walks like it *** itself.
Doesn't it?
Maybe it has. I don't know how human it is.
Cools you down.
That's going to give a you a headache, not get rid of one.
Look how complicated it is, just for a toilet.
You need to have the skill of Bill Gates
just to have a ***.
It's a crisp picker-upperer.
You want some crisps but you don't wanna get crisps on your hands,
you use a crisp picket-upperer.
How do you turn it off?
***.
I thought, of all the things I need a robot to do
is to fix stuff.
In the '80s, that's what they were for, weren't they?
They were in car factories,
putting cars together.
It's not doing that. It's ***-arsing about,
having a dance on a stage.
We've got enough dancers.
I think that's the problem.
It's got so advanced, it's going, "I don't want to do work any more."
It can't do any of that? Can't do that stuff?
But it's a robot.
ROBOT: Thank you very much.
Goodbye.
(PHONE RINGING)
Listen, what I've been thinking about is
I want to invent something.
I want to leave something behind after I'm dead.
So that's what I'm going to do.
That's me plan whilst I'm here.
Just something useful. I come up with ideas all the time.
I'm always saying to you or Suzanne, "Listen, here's an idea."
I'm coming up with stuff all the time.
That's why I think this is me strength that hasn't been used yet.
Where I'm stood at the moment,
they've got a plasma in the garden.
This is what it's like in Japan.
It's really advanced.
And I reckon I can come up with something better than that.
So leave it with me.
Leave it with me.
I'll talk to you later. Ta-ra.
I'm not going to come up with anything
that's going to change the world, am I?
I just want to come up with something that's useful.
It's like these. Found these in a shop.
Basically, mops that you stick on a baby's feet.
And they mop up. 'Cause let's face it,
for the first three years of a baby's life,
it's all take, take, take, innit?
They don't do anything.
Keep you awake at night,
keep *** themselves,
cause arguments between, you know, in relationships.
They're a pain in the ***.
But if you can get the baby helping out around the house,
it's one less stress, innit?
So these little mops, stick them on the baby's feet...
They like to walk, they run around all the time, don't they?
They're not going anywhere with it,
they're not doing favours, they can't go out on errands,
but they can mop the kitchen floor.
(PHONE BEEPS)
STEVE: All right, Karl?
Do I sit down? Chair?
I mean, that's bad, innit?
What's the difference? What's the difference of doing that,
sitting there, and sitting there?
What is the point in that?
Hmm.
I've been eating a lot of fish
whilst I've been here.
I'm not a fan.
-Rich? -Hmm.
Why...
Why has it got a lid on it?
Is it alive?
KARL: How often do you eat that?
Once in your life?
Right.
-Do you... Would you like some first? -This side...
-No, I eat always... -Yeah, but you...
But I've learned in Japan...
-Uh-uh. -...about etiquette
and not to be rude.
-Polite. -Yeah?
So I would like you...
No, honestly, no,
-come on, let's play by the... -Listen...
We're in Japan...
That's right, and I'm welcoming you...
Right.
Stinks, doesn't it?
-No. -It does.
-No. No. -What do you mean?
-It does. -No.
It does.
That's not a bad smell?
It's a lovely box.
-Yeah. -I'm not moaning about the delivery.
The tray is lovely.
-Yeah. -The nice little sick bowls
-it comes with. Beautiful. -Yeah.
But that should be on there...
-Yeah. -...should be nailed shut...
-Yeah. -...and buried.
Hmm.
I can't eat that, Jamie.
I think it's off.
JAMIE: It's like a delicacy.
It's been fermented for three years.
(COUGHS)
There's something in the middle of it.
I can't eat it, Jamie, I don't know if it's rude or not.
(GAGGING)
I don't know how they're getting away with it.
It's not a meal. It's more like a challenge, that.
Me tastebuds had just been mugged.
That's what had gone on there.
(GAGGING CONTINUES)
Sausage, egg and chips. I'm happy with that.
Sausage, beans, potato cake.
That's something Suzanne normally knocks up for me when I've been away.
Something to welcome me back.
If I have fish, fish fingers.
Battered cod. I've had *** recently.
Is it ***?
JAMIE: Yeah.
I've had that, 'cause they didn't have any cod in the chippy.
(GAGGING CONTINUES)
(PHONE RINGING)
(STEVE ON PHONE)
Did Ricky tell you? I'm just sort of trying to come up with something.
I've just got a magazine in front of me now.
And looking at some of the stuff they've brought out here,
I don't think I'm going to have a problem.
They've got an air conditioning jacket,
which I don't get, 'cause if you're hot, just take it off.
I don't understand why anyone would need that.
-You've got... -Yeah.
What is that?
It's just a woman with a silver thing on her head.
They're selling that.
So I'm pretty confident...
Yeah.
-Hello. -How you doing?
Hello, Karl.
-Nice to see you. -Very well, good to see you.
Yeah, when you study Zen,
you have to dress in Zen monk clothing.
I haven't got a problem with that.
-Yeah? -I'm always putting clothes on.
-Yeah? -Little outfits, little uniforms.
It's fine.
Looks all right, doesn't it?
It's my colour, this.
I thought it was going to be orange.
Pockets as well.
I think Buddhism
is, for me, so far...
It's like when you walk into a house, they say you know within 11 seconds.
It's the same with Buddhism.
You wander in. I went, "Yeah, I like the layout, it's lovely."
Got a lovely garden here.
Nice outfit.
That's all you can go off.
So I would like to introduce
the way of thinking of Zen Buddhism.
So let's start from the mopping.
-Mopping? -Mopping, yeah.
Cleaning is the most important training
in the temple.
I thought we'd be sort of relaxing.
-Meditating. -Ah.
I've just turned up, you've said, "Let's get the mopping done."
When was this last cleaned?
Erm, this morning.
Well, why are we doing it again?
Oh!
Do you know what I do at home? I have laminate.
And I haven't got a mop, 'cause I haven't got any room.
-Will that do? -No, no, no.
Why not?
First you have to draw a straight line.
-That's all right. -No, you...
KARL: Oh, come off it.
It goes out a little bit there.
I bought some mops
-that you put on babies' hands. -Mmm-hmm.
Get some baby Buddhists in here.
-It's winding. -What? And yours don't?
All right, then. Fair enough.
That's OCD, that's not Buddhism.
That's OCD.
It wouldn't surprise me... He's probably...
He'll finish his raking
and then he'll go in and just separate all the Smarties,
'cause he only eats red ones or something.
He's got a problem there.
Would you be allowed to add fun to this?
Fun?
-Fun. -What do you mean by that?
-Do you want to race? -Uh-huh.
Might as well.
Go.
It is very important to practise the meditation.
Please do not move at any occasion.
(PHONE BEEPS)
(RICKY ON PHONE)
RICKY: Ommm...
(DRONING) Manc ***, little round-headed buffoon.
You little
Manc moron.
You little round-headed moron.
Karl Pilkington is a moron.
(RICKY CONTINUES DRONING HUM)
(DRONING) Bald-headed git...
KARL: I was quite enjoying the meditation bit.
He went and ruined it by whacking me with a stick on me back.
(GRUNTING)
JAMIE: So why did he hit you, Karl?
Because I think I moved.
But I moved because I had a big ant on me foot.
And the ants here are big ants.
And they bite you just for the sake of it.
Hmm.
And he bit me four... I've got a bite.
So of course I'm going to flinch.
Right, that's enough.
-Okay. -That really hurts.
Please follow me.
KARL: Where were these people when the mopping needed doing?
He said, "You want a cup of tea?"
I thought, "I've got to get to bed early."
Because I'm up early. Got to climb a mountain.
I thought, "How long can it take to have a cup of tea?"
Be nice to have a cup of tea, I'm a big tea fan.
It took ages. There's no way they could get a job in a cafe,
'cause the queue would be horrendous.
So this face is facing to me.
This aspect is facing to me.
-Bow. -Mmm-hmm.
Thanks for letting me have me tea before you.
All right, and then...
-And in front of you. -Shift it over, yeah.
In a way, I quite like the way they made
a big deal out of something that's so simple.
'Cause at home, everything's in a rush, innit?
They've made a proper moment out of something
that we just do without even thinking about it.
Sometimes I drink me tea, I don't even realise I've drunk it.
It's just sort of gone.
-I have Twinings English Breakfast. -Uh-huh.
-Do you know Twinings? -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah?
But even though I can't speak their language,
we had a connection there.
We both like a cup of tea.
-Yorkshire tea? -Yorkshire tea, yes.
It's really like... (SMACKS LIPS)
-There's Earl Grey. -Yeah?
KARL: Not keen on Earl Grey.
-You see, we have tea bags. -Yeah.
-You have tea bags? -Lipton. Lipton.
-Lipton's is very good. -Yeah?
No, I haven't got any other tea stories.
And that's what tea does, doesn't it? Brings people together.
I can't even see Mount Fuji.
Not looking. I'm not even looking.
I can't. I don't want to look.
(ALL SCREAMING)
Where's Mount Fuji?
I can't open me eyes! Is that it? Is that it?
(SCREAMING)
Is that it?
*** idiots.
Well, I'm starting me trip up Mount Fuji tomorrow morning.
Um...
Wasn't really worrying about it that much.
And then it's just suddenly hit me. But it's big. It's a big hill.
I've just got a plate there with it on.
I mean, it even looks high up on that.
Look, there's clouds by the side of it. Not over it, by the side of it.
And now you all give me this clobber.
Oxygen cans. In case I need that, 'cause it's high up.
Wasp jelly. I've never heard of that. I don't know what that does.
Altitude tablets.
When I left home, that's what I brought, a bit of Whole Nut.
I thought, "A nice stroll, some chocolate, enjoy the view."
I was saying about the marathon to you before.
People treat that with respect.
But in a way, I kind of think that's a piece of ***,
because if you do get tired and you've had enough, you're in London.
Get on the Number 38 bus and go home.
With this, there's nothing. You're stuck up there.
What are you going to do?
Are we going to go on or are we going to go back?
We're at the beginning now.
Track's not that bad, is it?
Pretty flat.
That's me only worry. I think it is good to have two people.
Ben Fogle, he did it with his mate, didn't he, that Cracknell bloke.
Two people, look. You noticed? Two people.
It's always best to do stuff in twos.
Two Ronnies.
Vic and Bob.
Hale and Pace.
Cannon and Ball.
Chas and Dave.
Sue and Mel.
Morecambe and Wise.
Ant and Dec. *** and Dom.
Who was it with Les Dennis?
It's getting a bit harder now, innit?
(PANTING)
***, it's not a hill, is it? It is a proper mountain.
It's best not looking up. It's always best
not knowing how far you've got to go or anything, really.
I've been over-faced.
When Suzanne's mum does us Sunday dinner. It's like that, on a plate.
Piled. Mash, Yorkshire pudding, it's like that, honestly.
We don't talk for the first half an hour,
'cause we can't see each other.
Just sat behind mounds of food.
And even though I'm hungry, I go, "I can't eat all that."
And that's that to me, I've been over-faced.
Jesus.
-Nothing's ever perfect. -JAMIE: How do you mean?
KARL: Have you ever seen a sight better than that?
But...
who put that there?
(PANTING)
***.
This is mental now.
(BREATHLESSLY) Struggling.
-(MOBILE RINGING) -Who's that at this hour?
It's Ricky. It is Ricky.
(RINGING CONTINUES)
***.
Hello? Oh, I missed it.
Probably just checking up on me.
Seeing if I've given up, turned round, walked back.
I walk away from a lot of things in life and it does me head in.
School, I hated it. I was rubbish at it.
Didn't complete it.
Haven't got married, have I?
So again, something else I haven't really finished.
There's some wallpapering that needs doing. I haven't finished properly.
I didn't even get any sort of badges for swimming when I was at school.
Unless it's a packet of biscuits, I don't finish it, I think.
That's... That's been the thing.
And that's why... And that's why I want to do this mountain.
And get to the top.
And that's why I want to do me invention.
I don't know if this is good telly, to be honest,
'cause it's just pitch black. You can't see anything.
Can't even think.
That bloke, Les Dennis.
It was Dustin Gee, wasn't it?
That's who it was.
Torvill and Dean. That's another pair.
I've done it, haven't I? Completed it.
But I feel like ***.
Even though...that's amazing, I feel like ***.
Do you know how I wanted to come up with an invention
whilst I was here? Well, I came up with one.
Do you know that thing you put on your neck when you're on long flights?
I've used that.
That isn't how the finished thing would look when I make it.
But just to give you an idea, I've sewn that in.
And whenever you sit down you've got a cushion.
Say, like this rock. It's freezing.
If I lay back on that with just pants on,
I'd get a cold ***.
That's how you get haemorrhoids.
But with this, just lean back,
and as well as no cold, great comfort
and I can enjoy that.
It's good, innit?
JAMIE: Have you got a name for it?
Pilko Pant. Pilko Pants?
I mean, I know it's not going to change the world
but neither did the egg cup.
Neither did SodaStream.
It's just another little invention.
It's all over, innit? Japan's done.
The series is done.
It's been a bit mental, hasn't it? The whole thing.
I never wanted to travel. Didn't go abroad till I was 21, 22.
And now I've been all over the shop.
And I don't... I don't know if it's changed me that much, really.
I mean, when I go home, I still like a biscuit and a cup of tea.
Cup of tea and, you know, dunking a biscuit, I'm well happy.
And that's the right way to be, innit?
'Cause you can be into travelling, but the world's only so big, innit?
So, eventually, you're going to run out of places to visit.
Whereas biscuits, there's loads of 'em.
(PHONE RINGING)
-(RICKY ON PHONE) -I came up with me invention.
It's a pair of pants and you pump up the ***
and you can sit on anything.
I came up with it whilst in Japan.
'Cause you have to keep sitting on the floor here.
They don't have chairs.
Go on.