Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
Kids, in the fall of 2010,
it seemed like
Aunt Lily could only talk about
one thing: babies.
Oh, God, I have been craving
this burger all day.
Do you know what plays a huge role
in helping a woman conceive? Hmm.
Cervical mucus.
Oh, my God, I can't
wait to see this movie.
I hear it's really scary.
Oh, change of plans.
I thought violent
images wouldn't be good
for my future fetus,
so instead, I rented this
video of a live water birth.
They don't know what it is.
It just showed up
on my mom's X-ray.
Look at this crib.
But all in all,
it wasn't a problem.
That is, until the night of
Barney's boutonniere.
Oh, you're wearing a flower.
Thank you.
Ah, didn't compliment.
Just observed. BARNEY: I know.
Isn't it? Why are you wearing that?
Why does Barney do anything ever?
Exactly. Science.
There is an 83% correlation
between the times men
wear boutonnieres
and the times they get laid. Hmm.
Think about it.
Proms, weddings.
Mm-hmm.
Grandmas' funerals.
Thanks for the redhead, Nana.
The "everyday boutonniere"
by Stinson.
And nope.
I'm sorry, Barney,
but no girl is going home
with a guy with a
flower on his chest.
Unless he's a clown,
and she's in the trunk of his car.
Along with 50 other clowns.
It's a clown car. Oh.
Robin, did you know
that boutonniere is French for
"*** is near?"
Hmm.
True story.
Une histoire vraie.
Hmm! Did you know
that Barney is French
for "sad little guy who works
way too hard to get laid""
Woman, you best check yourself.
Yeah, on the bright side,
I guess suits are pretty
boring without them, so...
Madam...
that is an insult
that cannot be borne!
I demand satisfaction!
What, are we gonna duel?
No. I'm going to show everyone
this embarrassing video of you.
It's Robin Sparkles III, y'all!
Transcript by Addic7ed.com
Kids, by this point, we knew
Aunt Robin had been a
teen pop sensation
in Canada, known as
Robin Sparkles.
And we also knew that her Robin
Sparkles character
came from a Canadian TV show,
which we'd never seen...
until now.
I cannot wait to see
what's on this DVD!
Oh, you haven't watched it yet?
No, of course not.
I wanted my first time to be
with someone I cared about.
Sweet! I get that a lot.
Well, once.
Hey, Robin, do you want
to go get a Korean
massage on Saturday?
Oh, I'd love to.
I've got this knot in my
neck that's so annoying.
Yeah, I figured I
should get one now
because once I get pregnant,
no more massages.
Just so annoying.
Okay.
Space Teens?!
Is this a ***?
No, no. Dude, dude. Sweet!
It's a kids' show.
Oh.
Yeah! Yeah!
I don't know.
This does have all
the earmarks of ***.
Stripper pole, bad lighting,
delusional girl who thinks
it's a stepping stone
to mainstream success.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it's a big old bowl of pornflakes.
Whoa! And who is this
exquisite keytarist I assume
you're about to make sweet love to?
Oh, that's Jessica Glitter.
She was my BFF on the
show and in real life.
Ah, BFFs.
Did you guys have sleepovers?
Get mad at each other and wrestle,
but then end up kissing
in a tender embrace?
Here, show us on Lily.
Barney, you know what?
If you're going to be disgusting,
we're not watching this, okay?
Yeah. Come on, Barney.
It's just a cute
little story about...
What exactly is this about?
Oh, two average Canadian teenagers
who solve crimes in
space using math.
That sounds ridiculous.
So sue me.
Like the producers of Milky
Way Mathletes tried to.
Great job using long division
to catch that space burglar, eh?
Well, what can I say?
He'll be in galactic jail for
the remainder of his life.
Sparkles, Glitter,
we're about to enter
an asteroid belt, eh.
Brace for turbulence!
Oh. Oh.
I have to say, as much as I hate
to agree with Barney,
this does seem to be a
veritable pornucopia.
Okay, guys, come on.
It's a kids' show!
Like Electric Company or
Sesame Street or, um...
You can't do that on television.
Exactly.
No.
You can't do that on television!
Robin,
this show is so dirty,
I don't know whether to hug you
or run a shower for you so
you can sit there alone,
crying and clenching your knees.
It's just bad camera work, okay?
Wayne, our camera guy--
he wasn't that great.
I don't know. I think he
did a pretty good job,
considering he was probably
only using one hand.
You know what?
I feel bad for you Americans,
that you can look
at this wondrous and educational
adventure through space,
and see something obscene.
Can you just please
try to look at this
with the innocence of a child?
Innocence of a child.
Innocence of a child.
Coming up. Here we go.
Girls, if you want
to get through the
asteroid belt, you've got
to use multiplication.
To the joystick!
Okay, Space Teens, let's multiply!
Five times six?
Oh. 30.
Yes! Oh!
Seven times four?
28! Keep going!
Eight times nine?
72!
Don't stop now! Almost there!
23 times three?
Oh...
I'm sorry.
We got to ration this.
It's like we're on a desert island,
and this video is a really hot,
naked chick,
and she's got, like,
seaweed on her and a seashell bra.
You all feel me?
Hey,
if you and Jessica are BFFs,
how come we've never met her?
Okay, well, it was a
long time ago, okay?
I get a Christmas card
from her every year,
but we're not really
friends anymore.
But BFFs are forever.
Oh, come on, Lily.
Nobody stays friends with
their high school friends.
I'm still friends with Punchy.
Dude, he lives in Cleveland.
You see him once a year,
at which point,
he punches you really
hard in the arm
and tells everyone how
you dookied your pants.
I know, on paper he sounds great,
but you guys aren't really friends.
Look, I may not see him a lot,
but it doesn't matter.
Observe.
Schmosby! Punchy!
Schmosby! Punchy!
Schmosby! Punchy!
Schmoosby! Punchy!
Hey, good talking to you, Ted.
Yeah, you, too.
If you're ever in New York.
Definitely.
We are just two peas.
I don't get it.
How can you and Glitter
just stop being friends?
Best friends don't do that.
Well, we did, okay?
And I haven't talked to her
in, like, five years,
so just drop it.
I got to go.
Whoa.
What do you think came
between Robin and Jessica?
Much like our friends,
the Space Teens,
I think I can solve
this crime with math.
Okay... Okay,
here is a Christmas card
that Jessica sent Robin.
Lily, how old would
you say that kid is?
Four years, three months.
Which means Jessica got
pregnant five years ago.
Right around the time she and
Robin stopped being friends.
Of course. Robin hates kids.
The last thing she would want to do
is hang out with some little brat.
Thus, if I may...
When Glitter's womb
a fruit did bear,
Robin said, "To hell with this,
I'm outta hare."
Glitter got pregnant,
so Robin dumped her.
Oh. Oh, got... Wow.
That's got to be it, right, Lil?
Lil?
Robin's gonna dump me!
Oh, sweetheart.
Aha.
When a second uterus
plumped becomes...
Dude.
Feel the room.
No. We've been waiting all day!
Just watch it without me.
Two dudes on the couch
together watching ***?
That's kind of weird.
Okay, it's not ***,
it's a kids' show.
Two dudes watching a kids'
show might be worse.
Okay, fine, I'll watch it with you.
Yeah! But if either of you
makes even one peep about
the show being dirty,
I'm turning it off.
We... I'm serious.
Hey Jessica, how's your beaver?
Great.
How's your beaver?
Busy as ever!
Our characters had pet beavers.
Sure.
The beaver is the
official animal of Canada.
It's our national mascot.
It's a noble creature.
Okay, girls.
Everyone knows a beaver's
favorite food is wood.
I just hope we brought
along enough of it
for our three-day
galactic space journey.
So let's do the math.
If Robin's beaver devours
six inches of wood every half hour,
and Jessica's beaver
devours eight inches of
wood every 45 minutes,
how much wood will I need
to keep both of these beavers
well-fed all weekend long?
While you figure it out at home,
how about we sing you a
song about our beavers?
Hey!
No! You don't get to
hear the beaver song!
It is a sweet song
about friendship,
and you guys are being disgusting,
and beavers are adorable!
No arguments here.
'Sup Shmosby!
Punchy, what are you doing here?
Well, yesterday you said
if I was ever in New York.
'Sup, turds?
Okay, uh, uh,
where are you staying?
In your mom's pants.
Trick. She's old.
Hey, don't worry
about me. I'm cool on the couch.
Whoa. He's staying here?
You're staying here?
I know! It's so good, right?
Feel like you're dreaming?
But check your totem, brah.
Punchy's here in the flesh.
So, why don't we get
one of these, Ted?
Yeah. Remember these?
High school? Junior high? Yeah.
Elementary school? Remember those?
Look, look, Punchy's here.
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, Schmosby,
remember when you dookied
in your pants down by the lake?
Unbelievable!
Hey, Schmosby, remember when
you dookied on our couch
in the form of your idiot
high school friend?
Unbelievable!
Come on. I worry about the guy.
He's had the same dead-end job
at a car rental place for 15 years.
Don't care.
He's been stuck in Cleveland
his whole life. Get a hotel.
Robin...
LeBron.
Okay, one night.
Got to go.
Hey.
Where are you going?
We just got here.
Oh, a Korean massage.
By yourself?
Well, I figured you'd be busy,
reading What to Expect When
You're Expecting to Expect.
Guys, did you see that?
She's going to a Korean
massage without me.
That's our thing.
I'm telling you,
she's gonna dump me,
just like she dumped Glitter.
Lily, come on. We don't even
know that's what happened.
Um, hello, somebody
already solved that crime
using math, remember?
Look, Lily.
Robin is clearly getting tired
of you constantly
talking about babies.
I don't.
Lily, how old am I? 384 months.
Busted!
Okay. So before you
Lily all over the place,
maybe you should try
hanging out with Robin
and not talking about babies.
So Lily did just that.
She tried not to talk
about babies.
Hey, Lily, what brings
you to the crib?
Crib...
What's the matter?
You look rattled.
Rattled?
I want to talk about babies. What?
Look, I know you don't
care about this stuff,
but I'm about to become a mother.
And as a future mother,
I'm gonna need the support...
Oh, my God! You're not
even pregnant yet.
What's that supposed to mean?
It means that a fertilized egg
has not yet attached itself
to the lining of your uterine wall.
You see? I read your
Facebook updates.
God, it's like it's all
you ever talk about, Lily,
and I'm sick of it!
Well, guess what?
I've got some good news.
When that baby comes,
you don't have to see it.
In fact, you don't have to see me.
This whole friendship thing? Done.
Great. Great.
For crying out loud.
You broke up with Robin?
I had to. We were growing apart,
and we're better off
without each other.
Okay, Lily, you sound about
as convincing as you did
the time you
"accidentally" shredded
my Joey Buttafuoco pants.
No!
Get on the phone,
call Robin and fix this.
I can't. The damage is done.
Can you just hold me?
You know what? No.
I don't agree with what you did,
and so I refuse to comfort you,
despite how adorable
you are when you cry.
Okay.
Okay. Maybe just one cuddle,
but then that is it.
Times Square's the bomb!
I got so many great pictures
of all the billboards.
Yeah. You know,
there's more to New
York than Times Square.
There's the Village,
the Lower East Side, Central Park...
They got better billboards
then the ones in Times Square?
No.
Times Square's the bomb!
Here. You know what?
Hold this, okay?
I'm going to go pee in the jar
I got going in the alley.
Seriously, dude, he has got to go.
You need to be like,
"You are the weakest link.
Goodbye."
Punchy, the tribe has spoken.
Please pack up your knives and go.
Your work of art
didn't work for us.
Your time's up.
I have to ask you
to leave the mansion.
You must leave the chateau.
Your tour ends here.
You've been chopped.
Okay, yeah. I know.
You've been evicted
from the Big Brother house.
Your dessert just
didn't measure up.
Sashay away.
Give me your jacket
and leave Hell's Kitchen.
I'm sorry, you did not get a rose.
You have been eliminated
from the race.
You are no longer in the running
to be America's Next Top Model.
You're fired.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Ted, come look at this.
I found a little wounded
bird in the alley.
That's your ***.
You know what it is, Ted.
You know what it is.
Come on, Ted.
You always fall for that.
Yeah, he's gotta go.
What are we doing in
Madison Square Garden?
Okay, you refused to talk to Robin.
So I thought that you
might like to talk to...
the organist for the
New York Rangers.
Jessica Glitter?!
How did you find Glitter?
Simple, really.
I used my powers of deduction.
You see, I knew Glitter
used to be a keytarist,
which is basically a piano,
so I just made a list of all
the keyboard-based occupations
and then I cross-matched them...
His friend Barney looked me up,
hoping to buy my Space
Teens costume.
Yo, Glitter...
Be cool.
So, is this the one who's
best friends with Robin now?
More like ex-best friends.
Just like you.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I miss Robin.
Yeah, well, Marshall and I
are about to get pregnant,
and I know she
stopped being friends
with you when you had a baby, so...
Oh, Robin didn't stop
being friends with me.
I stopped being friends with her.
What? Why?
Because I had a baby.
Honey, when you have a baby,
all that best friend stuff--
hockey, bow hunting
for caribou, math--
that all goes out the window.
I mean, I tried to
stay friends with her,
but it just didn't happen.
She took it pretty hard.
I even thought she might
try to kill herself.
Charge!
Wow. You dumped her just
because you had a baby?
That's cold.
Didn't you do the same thing?
Minus the baby?
Oh, God.
I gotta go.
I gotta go apologize to Robin.
I- I need to tell her I love her,
and that she'll
always be a priority.
Be careful, Lily.
I made those promises, too.
And now I haven't even
talked to her in five years.
Sure, I thought about
picking up the phone
and calling her a hundred times,
but I just never have the
courage to actually...
Hey.
Go ahead.
Hey, do you guys get Big Chuck
and Little John out here?
Punchy, it's time to go back.
Back to Times Square?!
Uh, no. Back-Back to Cleveland.
I don't know if I can do that, bro.
I mean, yeah, I've been
jonesing for a piece
of Cleveland-style pizza,
but I feel bad about
leaving you out here.
I worry about you, Ted.
You worry about me?
Yeah.
The other day, when you called...
Schmosby! Punchy!
Hey, good talking to you, Ted.
Yeah. You, too.
If you're ever in New York...
Definitely.
Sweetie, who was that?
It was my friend Ted.
He sounded kind of depressed.
Is this the Ted who
got left at the altar?
Yeah.
He's not doing so good.
Poor guy lives in a tiny
apartment in New York,
nowhere near Times Square.
He's got no family around.
He's still single,
doesn't have a backyard.
It's just a bummer.
Maybe you should go visit him.
Cheer him up a little.
You know, buy him some shots,
do the whole wounded bird trick.
You think that would work?
Worked on me.
Wow.
She sounds pretty great, Punchy.
She's my angel.
In fact, uh...
We're getting married.
Wow! Wow!
That's-- I'm-I'm
really happy for you.
Thanks, Ted. Thanks.
Actually, that's the other
reason why I came out here.
I wanted to see if
you'd be my best man.
Of course I will.
Yeah! That's great! No,
you're stupid.
Dawg pound.
Oh, that's it...
That night, Lily went
to the one place
she knew she could find Robin--
New York's premiere Canadian bar,
the Hoser Hut.
Oh, there you are.
Robin, I owe you a huge apology.
No, okay? Me first.
I've been pulling away from you,
and I'm sorry.
It's just, the last time
my best friend had a baby--
I know. I know all about it.
It's not gonna happen
with you and me.
And I'm sorry
I've been going crazy
with this baby stuff.
I know you hate babies.
Whoa.
Look, I hate most babies.
But your baby?
I'm gonna love that kid so much.
I'm gonna pick it
up and everything.
Oh...
Aww.
I'm so happy you guys made up.
Me, too.
Where do I know this song from?
Oh, my God. It's the beaver song.
Okay, which one of you put this on?
* Hey, beaver, come on *
* When you feel alone *
* Just pick up that phone *
* And I'll be there to share my *
ROBIN AND GLITTER:
* Ice cream cone *
* We'll lick it side by side *
Wow. This is so dirty.
Come on, Barney.
It's a sweet song about friendship.
Yeah, dude, come on.
* Day is done *
* Two beavers are better than one *
* Dah, dah-dah, dah-dah,
dah-dah, dah-dah, dah *
* Two beavers are better than one *
* They're twice the fun *
* Ask anyone *
* A second beaver can
be second to none *
* Two beavers are
better than one. *
* Dah, dah-dah, dah-dah, dah... *
* You're my favorite beaver... *
* Two beavers are better than one *
* Dah, dah-dah, dah-dah,
dah-dah, dah-dah, dah *
* Two beavers are better than one *
* They're twice the fun *
* Ask anyone *
* A second beaver *
* Can be second to none *
* Two beavers are
better than one. *
www.addic7ed.com