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We’ve seen middle-aged italian plumbers, spry combatants in the prime of life, angsty
preteen JRPG protagonists, even a kid in his pajamas traversing a dream land. These are
old hat. But we can go back even further. How about... a BABY. Yep, a baby. Can’t
walk, just crawls about. Primary weapon? A magic rattle that inflates enemies. This is
Bio Miracle: Bokutte Upa, a Konami platformer originally for the Famicom Disk System, available
here in the states - untranslated, mind - in the Import section of the Wii Virtual Console.
I shouldn’t put too much emphasis on that “untranslated” bit. This is, after all,
an 8-bit platformer. You’ve pretty much got everything you need to know right out
of the box: Crawl to the right, defeat (read: inflate) enemies, occasionally encounter a
boss battle with a strange pig-like creature that fires... are those nerds? Not like Big
*** Theory nerds, I mean the candy. Looks like they come in cherry and blue raspberry
flavors. I’m on board with this. Heck, the entire first world consists of nothing but
dessert, from massive candies and popsicles to a stage where you have to burrow through
massive cakes. I’m gonna give preference to this part right here, it looks the tastiest.
Arino’s got my back.
So Upa - that’s the kid’s name, as the title clearly states - is a baby on a quest
to save the world, since he’s the one who broke the urn holding the evil demon what
stole the souls of all the adults and made off with all the babies in the kingdom. I’m
not entirely sure why you’d leave such an important relic in the vicinity of an infant,
but when have 8-bit platformers ever been about making sense? By beaning mobs with your
rattle, you can pump (clap) THEM up and either use them as transportation or projectiles.
Caution, though: mobs you’ve punched into use as weapons will bounce around wildly,
and friendly fire is on. Adding to the challenge are disappearing platforms, falling platforms,
wrap-around vertical-scrolling stages a la Kid Icarus, and the occasional swimming challenge.
Heck, there’s even an entire stage where the display is flipped upside-down. And while
I don’t have footage of it on hand, here’s a sample. Future me, if you please...
Thank you. For so simple a game, Konami made a lot of effort to vary the actual gameplay,
either through gimmicks or new bosses or sheer diversity of the experience. But, despite
its quirkyness, Nintendo of America denied it release in the States back in ‘89. Sure,
it’s not a perfect platformer - the controls feel very shaky compared to a Mario 3 or a
Megaman - but for a system that gave us gems like Where’s Waldo and Home Alone 2, one
has to question exactly what standards they were protecting, anyway. Admittedly, they
did have the stench of the Crash of ‘83 lingering over them, so perhaps some cutesy
game about a Dig Dug wannabe toddler wouldn’t have been the best move. Then again, Deadly
Towers.
Bio Miracle: Bokutte Upa is six bucks on the Wii Virtual Console, and represents the distance
we’ve come since the game was denied a US debut in ‘89. We’ve hit a point where
regionalism should be nearing defeat, even as the DSi and 3DS implement such lockouts
on portable platforms that have never known such. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to
sell some organs so I can afford to import a copy of Pokemon + Nobunaga’s Ambition.
5600 yen, plus shipping? Glad I’ve got two kidneys.