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WHEN I WAS A KID I THOUGHT IF I COULD CONTROL THINGS THAT I
I COULD CONTROL THINGS THAT I WOULD BE SAFE.
WOULD BE SAFE. BUT THEN WHEN THE ADDICTION
BUT THEN WHEN THE ADDICTION CAME I WOULDN'T ADMIT I HAD
CAME I WOULDN'T ADMIT I HAD LOST CONTROL.
LOST CONTROL. OF COURSE IF WE DIDN'T LOSE
OF COURSE IF WE DIDN'T LOSE CONTROL I WOULDN'T BE
CONTROL I WOULDN'T BE ADDICTED.
ADDICTED. >> I WAS A SOCIAL DRINKER AND
>> I WAS A SOCIAL DRINKER AND IT WAS ACCEPTED IN THE CIRCLES
IT WAS ACCEPTED IN THE CIRCLES I RAN IN SO I WAS IN CONTROL,
I RAN IN SO I WAS IN CONTROL, I THOUGHT.
I THOUGHT. >> I WAS TRYING TO CONTROL
>> I WAS TRYING TO CONTROL THAT THING I THOUGHT THAT
THAT THING I THOUGHT THAT DEFINED WHO I WAS BUT IN
DEFINED WHO I WAS BUT IN ACTUALITY IT WAS CONTROLLING
ACTUALITY IT WAS CONTROLLING ME.
ME. ¶ AMAZING GRACE.
¶ AMAZING GRACE. HOW SWEET THE SOUND.
HOW SWEET THE SOUND.
¶ I ONCE WAS BOUND, BUT NOW I'M FREE.
I'M FREE. >> HELLO.
>> HELLO. I'M LAVERNE TRIPP AND WELCOME
I'M LAVERNE TRIPP AND WELCOME TO BORN TO BE FREE BECAUSE
TO BORN TO BE FREE BECAUSE THAT'S THE PURPOSE WE WERE
THAT'S THE PURPOSE WE WERE BORN.
BORN. YOU MIGHT SAY DO YOU KNOW
YOU MIGHT SAY DO YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHAT? I'M NOT FREE.
I'M NOT FREE. IN THE NEXT FEW MINUTES YOU'LL
IN THE NEXT FEW MINUTES YOU'LL SEE SOME PEOPLE WHO HAVE
SEE SOME PEOPLE WHO HAVE GOTTEN FREE AND HELPING
GOTTEN FREE AND HELPING OTHERS.
OTHERS. I KNOW YOU WANT THAT TO
I KNOW YOU WANT THAT TO HAPPEN.
HAPPEN. THE BIGGEST PROBLEM I KNOW
THE BIGGEST PROBLEM I KNOW MINE WAS I THOUGHT I COULD
MINE WAS I THOUGHT I COULD STOP DRAINGD DRUGGING AND
STOP DRAINGD DRUGGING AND LYING AND ALL THE THINGS I WAS
LYING AND ALL THE THINGS I WAS DOING BUT THE TRUTH IS, I
DOING BUT THE TRUTH IS, I COULDN'T.
COULDN'T. FINALLY I CAME TO REALIZE MY
FINALLY I CAME TO REALIZE MY LIFE WAS TOTALLY OUT OF
LIFE WAS TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL AND I HAD NO POWER
CONTROL AND I HAD NO POWER WHATSOEVER OVER IT.
WHATSOEVER OVER IT. BUT THERE IS A SOLUTION.
BUT THERE IS A SOLUTION. YOU'LL HEAR ABOUT THE PROBLEM
YOU'LL HEAR ABOUT THE PROBLEM TODAY.
TODAY. STAY WITH US.
STAY WITH US. YOU'LL GET THE SOLUTION
YOU'LL GET THE SOLUTION BECAUSE WE WERE BORN TO BE
BECAUSE WE WERE BORN TO BE FREE.
FREE. >> LET'S GET GOING ON THE
>> LET'S GET GOING ON THE FIRST ISSUE THAT WE'LL BE
FIRST ISSUE THAT WE'LL BE DEALING WITH, CONTROL.
DEALING WITH, CONTROL. IN DEALING WITH CONTROL, ONE
IN DEALING WITH CONTROL, ONE OF THE ISSUES OF CONTROL IS
OF THE ISSUES OF CONTROL IS DENIAL, DENIAL, NOT ONLY THAT
DENIAL, DENIAL, NOT ONLY THAT YOU'RE IN TROUBLE, BUT THAT
YOU'RE IN TROUBLE, BUT THAT OTHER PEOPLE KNOW YOU'RE IN
OTHER PEOPLE KNOW YOU'RE IN TROUBLE.
TROUBLE. LOOKING AT CONTROL ISSUES.
LOOKING AT CONTROL ISSUES. TALK TO ME A LITTLE BIT ABOUT
TALK TO ME A LITTLE BIT ABOUT CONTROL.
CONTROL. MARK.
MARK. >> I'VE BEEN GIVEN BY GOD
>> I'VE BEEN GIVEN BY GOD MANY TALENTS.
MANY TALENTS. AND I THINK THAT ENABLED ME TO
AND I THINK THAT ENABLED ME TO LEAD A LIFE WHERE I PRESENTED
LEAD A LIFE WHERE I PRESENTED THE ILLUSION OF HAVING
THE ILLUSION OF HAVING CONTROL.
CONTROL. AND FREQUENTLY, I WOULD SAY, I
AND FREQUENTLY, I WOULD SAY, I CAN HANDLE THIS.
CAN HANDLE THIS. I BELIEVE THAT STOOD TO BE MY
I BELIEVE THAT STOOD TO BE MY TEST.
TEST. IN FACT, AS MORE AND MORE
IN FACT, AS MORE AND MORE THINGS GOT OUT OF CONTROL, I
THINGS GOT OUT OF CONTROL, I TRIED FIERCELY TO GET CONTROL
TRIED FIERCELY TO GET CONTROL OVER WHATEVER I COULD.
OVER WHATEVER I COULD. AND ONE OF THE THINGS I DID IS
AND ONE OF THE THINGS I DID IS I CONTROLLED OTHER PEOPLE.
I CONTROLLED OTHER PEOPLE. I TRIED TO CONTROL MY FAMILY,
I TRIED TO CONTROL MY FAMILY, MY KIDS.
MY KIDS. MAKING LIFE WITH ME VERY, VERY
MAKING LIFE WITH ME VERY, VERY DIFFICULT.
DIFFICULT. AND, AS YOU CORRECTLY POINT
AND, AS YOU CORRECTLY POINT OUT, I THINK THAT MANY OTHERS
OUT, I THINK THAT MANY OTHERS KNEW I HAD A PROBLEM AND WAS
KNEW I HAD A PROBLEM AND WAS HEADING DOWN A BAD COURSE LONG
HEADING DOWN A BAD COURSE LONG BEFORE I HAD KNOWLEDGE OF
BEFORE I HAD KNOWLEDGE OF THAT.
THAT. I JUST COULDN'T ADMIT I WAS
I JUST COULDN'T ADMIT I WAS LYING TO MYSELF.
LYING TO MYSELF. >> RECOVERING GAMBLING
>> RECOVERING GAMBLING ADDICT, I WOULD GO LOCK MY
ADDICT, I WOULD GO LOCK MY CREDIT CARDS IN THE TRUNK OF
CREDIT CARDS IN THE TRUNK OF THE CAR AND TAKE IN LIKE
THE CAR AND TAKE IN LIKE THREE, FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS TO
THREE, FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS TO GAMBLE WITH AND SAY I WOULDN'T
GAMBLE WITH AND SAY I WOULDN'T GO BACK AND FINALLY I WOULD
GO BACK AND FINALLY I WOULD TAKE ALL THE CREDIT CARDS IN.
TAKE ALL THE CREDIT CARDS IN. WHEN I WAS A KID, I THOUGHT I
WHEN I WAS A KID, I THOUGHT I COULD CONTROL THINGS I WOULD
COULD CONTROL THINGS I WOULD BE SAFE.
BE SAFE. BUT THEN WHEN ADDICTION CAME,
BUT THEN WHEN ADDICTION CAME, I WOULDN'T ADMIT THAT I HAD
I WOULDN'T ADMIT THAT I HAD LOST CONTROL.
LOST CONTROL. OF COURSE IF WE DIDN'T LOSE
OF COURSE IF WE DIDN'T LOSE CONTROL WE WOULDN'T BE
CONTROL WE WOULDN'T BE ADDICTED.
ADDICTED. >> MY DRUG OF COURSE WAS
>> MY DRUG OF COURSE WAS ALCOHOL AND CRACK *** AND
ALCOHOL AND CRACK *** AND MARIJUANA.
MARIJUANA. I KNEW I HAD A PROBLEM SO
I KNEW I HAD A PROBLEM SO SOMETIMES I WOULD GIVE MONEY
SOMETIMES I WOULD GIVE MONEY TO FRIENDS AND RELATIVES AND
TO FRIENDS AND RELATIVES AND ASK THEM TO HOLD IT SO I
ASK THEM TO HOLD IT SO I WOULDN'T SPEND IT ALL.
WOULDN'T SPEND IT ALL. I WOULD COME BACK AFTER THE
I WOULD COME BACK AFTER THE HIGH WOULD KICK IN OR HIGH
HIGH WOULD KICK IN OR HIGH WOULD KICK IN AND ASK FOR THE
WOULD KICK IN AND ASK FOR THE MONEY BACK.
MONEY BACK. THEY WOULD SAY YOU TOLD US NOT
THEY WOULD SAY YOU TOLD US NOT TO GIVE IT TO YOU.
TO GIVE IT TO YOU. I WOULD USE ANGER OR SCARE
I WOULD USE ANGER OR SCARE TACTICS TO GET IT BACK.
TACTICS TO GET IT BACK. THAT'S MY MONEY OR YOU AND ME
THAT'S MY MONEY OR YOU AND ME ARE GOING AT IT.
ARE GOING AT IT. I WOULD MANIPULATE AND USE
I WOULD MANIPULATE AND USE ANGER TO INTIMIDATE THAT.
ANGER TO INTIMIDATE THAT. THAT WAS CONTROL I USED, LYING
THAT WAS CONTROL I USED, LYING TO MYSELF.
TO MYSELF. >> I DEVELOPED VERY EARLY IN
>> I DEVELOPED VERY EARLY IN LIFE THE BELIEF THAT LIFE RUZ
LIFE THE BELIEF THAT LIFE RUZ THREATENING, PEOPLE WERE
THREATENING, PEOPLE WERE DANGEROUS, IF I DIDN'T CONTROL
DANGEROUS, IF I DIDN'T CONTROL THE ENVIRONMENT SOMETHING
THE ENVIRONMENT SOMETHING TERRIBLE WOULD HAPPEN TO ME.
TERRIBLE WOULD HAPPEN TO ME. AND SO I WOULD ALSO TRY TO
AND SO I WOULD ALSO TRY TO CONTROL THE PEOPLE AROUND ME,
CONTROL THE PEOPLE AROUND ME, CONTROL THE SITUATION, PLAN
CONTROL THE SITUATION, PLAN EVERYTHING, HAVE EVERYTHING
EVERYTHING, HAVE EVERYTHING PRETTY MUCH UNDER MY THUMB IN
PRETTY MUCH UNDER MY THUMB IN EVERY AREA OF LIFE, AND OF
EVERY AREA OF LIFE, AND OF COURSE YOU TRY THAT.
COURSE YOU TRY THAT. YOU CAN'T REALLY SUCCEED.
YOU CAN'T REALLY SUCCEED. NOT FULLY.
NOT FULLY. WE'RE NOT THAT MUCH IN
WE'RE NOT THAT MUCH IN CONTROL.
CONTROL. SO TO ESCAPE THE TERROR OF A
SO TO ESCAPE THE TERROR OF A LIFE THAT WOULD AT TIMES SEEM
LIFE THAT WOULD AT TIMES SEEM OUT OF CONTROL, I FOUND A GOOD
OUT OF CONTROL, I FOUND A GOOD DEAL OF CONTROL IN ***
DEAL OF CONTROL IN *** FANTASY.
FANTASY. THE SORT OF DARK MAGIC OF
THE SORT OF DARK MAGIC OF ***, ***
***, *** ENCOUNTERS, THESE WERE AREAS
ENCOUNTERS, THESE WERE AREAS WHERE YOU COULD MANIPULATE THE
WHERE YOU COULD MANIPULATE THE ENVIRONMENT PERFECTLY.
ENVIRONMENT PERFECTLY. IN A *** FANTASY YOU'RE THE
IN A *** FANTASY YOU'RE THE PRODUCER, DIRECTOR, LEADING
PRODUCER, DIRECTOR, LEADING MAN, COMPLETE CONTROL OF THE
MAN, COMPLETE CONTROL OF THE ENVIRONMENT.
ENVIRONMENT. FOR ME MY *** ADDICTIVE
FOR ME MY *** ADDICTIVE BEHAVIOR WAS A WAY OF WARDING
BEHAVIOR WAS A WAY OF WARDING OFF THE TERROR OF THE REAL
OFF THE TERROR OF THE REAL WORLD THAT I COULD NEVER QUITE
WORLD THAT I COULD NEVER QUITE CONTROL TO MY SATISFACTION SO
CONTROL TO MY SATISFACTION SO I COULD RETREAT INTO THE
I COULD RETREAT INTO THE SHADOW LANDS I WAS COMPLETELY
SHADOW LANDS I WAS COMPLETELY IN CONTROL.
IN CONTROL. >> MY ADDICTION WAS DIETING.
>> MY ADDICTION WAS DIETING. I WOULD GET FRUSTRATED WHEN
I WOULD GET FRUSTRATED WHEN PEOPLE SAID IT WAS AN ISSUE OF
PEOPLE SAID IT WAS AN ISSUE OF CONTROL.
CONTROL. I DIDN'T FEEL IT WAS.
I DIDN'T FEEL IT WAS. IT WASN'T UNTIL AFTER TEN
IT WASN'T UNTIL AFTER TEN YEARS OF THAT BEGINNING TO
YEARS OF THAT BEGINNING TO WALK OUT OF IT I BEGAN TO
WALK OUT OF IT I BEGAN TO REALIZE HOW MUCH OF MY LIFE
REALIZE HOW MUCH OF MY LIFE HAD BECOME ABSOLUTELY
HAD BECOME ABSOLUTELY CONTROLLED BY MY FEAR, LIKE
CONTROLLED BY MY FEAR, LIKE YOU SAID, OF WHAT OTHER PEOPLE
YOU SAID, OF WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THOUGHT.
THOUGHT. AND SO THE MORE I COULD SEE
AND SO THE MORE I COULD SEE THAT, THERE WAS THIS TRUTH ONE
THAT, THERE WAS THIS TRUTH ONE DAY THAT GOD JUST PUT IN MY
DAY THAT GOD JUST PUT IN MY MIND THAT SAID, THAT WHICH
MIND THAT SAID, THAT WHICH DEFINES YOU CONTROLS YOU.
DEFINES YOU CONTROLS YOU. AND FOR ME IT WAS THE WAY THAT
AND FOR ME IT WAS THE WAY THAT I LOOKED, I FELT DEFINED WHO I
I LOOKED, I FELT DEFINED WHO I WAS, AND SO I WAS TRYING TO
WAS, AND SO I WAS TRYING TO CONTROL THEM, THAT THING I
CONTROL THEM, THAT THING I THOUGHT DEFINED WHO I WAS.
THOUGHT DEFINED WHO I WAS. BUT IN ACTUALITY IT WAS
BUT IN ACTUALITY IT WAS CONTROLLING ME.
CONTROLLING ME. SO NOW WITH THAT PARADIGM
SO NOW WITH THAT PARADIGM SHIFT IN MY THINKING IT HELPS
SHIFT IN MY THINKING IT HELPS ME LOOK AT MY ISSUES A LOT
ME LOOK AT MY ISSUES A LOT MORE HEALTHFULLY.
MORE HEALTHFULLY. >> CONTROL WAS VERY MUCH A
>> CONTROL WAS VERY MUCH A PART OF MY LIFE.
PART OF MY LIFE. I WAS VERY MANIPULATIVE AND I
I WAS VERY MANIPULATIVE AND I WOULD USE CONTROL IN MY
WOULD USE CONTROL IN MY RELATIONSHIPS WITH MY FAMILY
RELATIONSHIPS WITH MY FAMILY MEMBERS TO KEEP THEM OFF
MEMBERS TO KEEP THEM OFF GUARD, TO KEEP THEM FROM
GUARD, TO KEEP THEM FROM APPROACHING ME AND THEY DIDN'T
APPROACHING ME AND THEY DIDN'T LIKE CONFRONTATION SO OF
LIKE CONFRONTATION SO OF COURSE I USED THAT THROUGH
COURSE I USED THAT THROUGH ANGER.
ANGER. NOBODY WOULD DIRECTLY COME TO
NOBODY WOULD DIRECTLY COME TO ME AND CHALLENGE ME ON
ME AND CHALLENGE ME ON ANYTHING.
ANYTHING. AND I ALSO TRIED TO MANAGE MY
AND I ALSO TRIED TO MANAGE MY LIFE.
LIFE. I WAS A FUNCTIONING ADDICT FOR
I WAS A FUNCTIONING ADDICT FOR SUCH A LONG TIME THAT I
SUCH A LONG TIME THAT I FIGURED IF I PAID THE BILLS
FIGURED IF I PAID THE BILLS AND YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING
AND YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE MONEY FOR
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE MONEY FOR FOOD OR I DON'T HAVE MONEY FOR
FOOD OR I DON'T HAVE MONEY FOR CLOTHING OR ANYTHING EXTRA
CLOTHING OR ANYTHING EXTRA BECAUSE I'M AT LEAST DOING
BECAUSE I'M AT LEAST DOING THIS PORTION, YOU KNOW.
THIS PORTION, YOU KNOW. SO THAT WAS--I TRIED TO
SO THAT WAS--I TRIED TO CONTROL THOSE AROUND ME BY
CONTROL THOSE AROUND ME BY THINGS LIKE THAT.
THINGS LIKE THAT. I ALSO, EVEN IN MY ADDICTION,
I ALSO, EVEN IN MY ADDICTION, I CAN REMEMBER WHEN I HIT
I CAN REMEMBER WHEN I HIT BOTTOM I WOULD PRAY AND THANK
BOTTOM I WOULD PRAY AND THANK GOD I WAS BROKE, THAT I HAD NO
GOD I WAS BROKE, THAT I HAD NO MONEY BECAUSE THAT WAS THE
MONEY BECAUSE THAT WAS THE ONLY WAY I WOULDN'T USE.
ONLY WAY I WOULDN'T USE. >> I CAN REMEMBER GROWING UP
>> I CAN REMEMBER GROWING UP WITH A VERY COMICAL STORY OF
WITH A VERY COMICAL STORY OF HOW WHEN I WAS THREE YEARS OLD
HOW WHEN I WAS THREE YEARS OLD MY MOM WAS GIVEN PERMISSION BY
MY MOM WAS GIVEN PERMISSION BY MY DOCTOR TO GIVE ME HALF A
MY DOCTOR TO GIVE ME HALF A PILL A DAY. IT WILL RELAX HER
PILL A DAY. IT WILL RELAX HER AND HELP HER GO TO SLEEP.
AND HELP HER GO TO SLEEP. I GREW UP KNOWING I HAD
I GREW UP KNOWING I HAD DEVELOPED A TASTE FOR IT AT A
DEVELOPED A TASTE FOR IT AT A VERY EARLY AGE.
VERY EARLY AGE. I GOT IN THE HABIT OF STEALING
I GOT IN THE HABIT OF STEALING THEM.
THEM. I KNEW WHERE THEY WERE KEPT IN
I KNEW WHERE THEY WERE KEPT IN THE HOME.
THE HOME. MY FAMILY DIDN'T TOUCH IT
MY FAMILY DIDN'T TOUCH IT MILLION THE WEEKENDS.
MILLION THE WEEKENDS. THEY DIDN'T KNOW I WAS
THEY DIDN'T KNOW I WAS SNEAKING IT.
SNEAKING IT. A LOT OF ANGER.
A LOT OF ANGER. A LOT OF EMOTIONS.
A LOT OF EMOTIONS. WE'RE TALKING ABOUT WHEN I WAS
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT WHEN I WAS A PRE-TEEN SO HORMONES RAGING.
A PRE-TEEN SO HORMONES RAGING. THERE WAS A LOT OF THINGS I
THERE WAS A LOT OF THINGS I DIDN'T WANT TO DEAL WITH, I
DIDN'T WANT TO DEAL WITH, I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS FAIR I HAD
DIDN'T THINK IT WAS FAIR I HAD TO.
TO. IT NUMBED THAT FOR ME.
IT NUMBED THAT FOR ME. PRESCRIPTION DRUGS HELPED AND
PRESCRIPTION DRUGS HELPED AND OVER THE COUNTER DRUGS HELPED.
OVER THE COUNTER DRUGS HELPED. I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THAT THE
I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THAT THE UP AND DOWNS WERE COMING FROM
UP AND DOWNS WERE COMING FROM THAT.
THAT. AS THAT PROGRESSED, ONCE I
AS THAT PROGRESSED, ONCE I FELT I NEEDED AN OUT LET AND I
FELT I NEEDED AN OUT LET AND I DID A LOT OF HANGING OUT WITH
DID A LOT OF HANGING OUT WITH MY FRIENDS.
MY FRIENDS. THE USE THERE WAS NOT TO NUMB
THE USE THERE WAS NOT TO NUMB MY MIND, BUT IT WAS TO HELP ME
MY MIND, BUT IT WAS TO HELP ME TO RELAX, BECOME ACCEPTED
TO RELAX, BECOME ACCEPTED SOCIALLY.
SOCIALLY. I RELAXED.
I RELAXED. SOMEONE SHARED MARIJUANA WITH
SOMEONE SHARED MARIJUANA WITH ME AND I RELAXED AND I
ME AND I RELAXED AND I LAUGHED.
LAUGHED. AND IT BECAME AN OKAY THING
AND IT BECAME AN OKAY THING FOR ME.
FOR ME. NOT UNTIL I WAS 18 DID I TRY
NOT UNTIL I WAS 18 DID I TRY ***.
***. THAT WAS A WHOLE OTHER LEVEL.
THAT WAS A WHOLE OTHER LEVEL. AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE I
AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE I STILL FELT I WAS CONTROLLING
STILL FELT I WAS CONTROLLING DRUGS AND ALCOHOL IN MY LIFE.
DRUGS AND ALCOHOL IN MY LIFE. WHEN I WASN'T SPENDING A LOT
WHEN I WASN'T SPENDING A LOT OF MONEY ON IT LIKE I HAD SEEN
OF MONEY ON IT LIKE I HAD SEEN SOME PEOPLE DO.
SOME PEOPLE DO. TWO, I WASN'T DRUNK AND
TWO, I WASN'T DRUNK AND DESTROYING RELATIONSHIPS.
DESTROYING RELATIONSHIPS. AND ORDER IN MY HOME OR WITHIN
AND ORDER IN MY HOME OR WITHIN THE COMMUNITY.
THE COMMUNITY. I UNDERSTOOD THINGS LIKE
I UNDERSTOOD THINGS LIKE MARIJUANA WAS A GATEWAY DRUG
MARIJUANA WAS A GATEWAY DRUG BUT I WAS MANAGING IT AND I
BUT I WAS MANAGING IT AND I DIDN'T SEE ME SHOOTING ***
DIDN'T SEE ME SHOOTING *** OR OTHER DRUGS SO I WAS PRETTY
OR OTHER DRUGS SO I WAS PRETTY MUCH A SOCIAL DRINKER AND IT
MUCH A SOCIAL DRINKER AND IT WAS ACCEPTED IN THE CIRCLES I
WAS ACCEPTED IN THE CIRCLES I RAN IN.
RAN IN. SO I PRETTY MUCH HAD CONTROL,
SO I PRETTY MUCH HAD CONTROL, I THOUGHT.
I THOUGHT. THE DRUGS AND ALCOHOL THAT I
THE DRUGS AND ALCOHOL THAT I HAD BEEN USING THE POWDER
HAD BEEN USING THE POWDER *** AND MARIJUANA AND
*** AND MARIJUANA AND ALCOHOL WERE NOT ENOUGH AND I
ALCOHOL WERE NOT ENOUGH AND I BEGAN EXPERIMENTING WITH A NEW
BEGAN EXPERIMENTING WITH A NEW DRUG, CRACK ***.
DRUG, CRACK ***. NOBODY WOULD CONFRONT MY
NOBODY WOULD CONFRONT MY ADDICTION.
ADDICTION. I WOULD BLOWUP AT THEM.
I WOULD BLOWUP AT THEM. HOW DARE YOU.
HOW DARE YOU. AFTER THE LIFE I'VE HAD.
AFTER THE LIFE I'VE HAD. I HAD FELT A DESIRE TO QUIT.
I HAD FELT A DESIRE TO QUIT. MY LOWEST OF MY LOW WAS WHEN I
MY LOWEST OF MY LOW WAS WHEN I PRAYED TO GOD AND TOLD HIM
PRAYED TO GOD AND TOLD HIM THANK YOU THAT I HAD NO MORE
THANK YOU THAT I HAD NO MORE MONEY TO SPEND.
MONEY TO SPEND. BECAUSE THAT WAS THE ONLY WAY
BECAUSE THAT WAS THE ONLY WAY I COULD BE FUNCTIONING AND
I COULD BE FUNCTIONING AND SOBER.
SOBER. I CHECKED MYSELF INTO A DRUG
I CHECKED MYSELF INTO A DRUG AND ALCOHOL PROGRAM,
AND ALCOHOL PROGRAM, RECOMMENDED TO ME BY MY
RECOMMENDED TO ME BY MY BROTHER-IN-LAW WHO WAS GOING
BROTHER-IN-LAW WHO WAS GOING TO GO THERE TO TRAIN.
TO GO THERE TO TRAIN. IT'S A DRUG AND ALCOHOL
IT'S A DRUG AND ALCOHOL TREATMENT FACILITY LOCATED IN
TREATMENT FACILITY LOCATED IN JOHNSTOWN, PENNSYLVANIA.
JOHNSTOWN, PENNSYLVANIA. AND I CAME INTO TREATMENT.
AND I CAME INTO TREATMENT. AND THEY WERE REALLY ABLE TO
AND THEY WERE REALLY ABLE TO HELP ME TO SEE THAT IT HADN'T,
HELP ME TO SEE THAT IT HADN'T, WHILE THINGS LIKE ENVIRONMENT
WHILE THINGS LIKE ENVIRONMENT HAD CONTRIBUTED TO MY
HAD CONTRIBUTED TO MY ADDICTION AND THINGS, MY
ADDICTION AND THINGS, MY CIRCUMSTANCE AND CRISIS HAD
CIRCUMSTANCE AND CRISIS HAD CONTRIBUTED, THAT THEY WERE
CONTRIBUTED, THAT THEY WERE NOT THE CORE ISSUE BUT IT WAS
NOT THE CORE ISSUE BUT IT WAS MYSELF.
MYSELF. I THANK GOD FOR THE YEAR I
I THANK GOD FOR THE YEAR I HAD.
HAD. IT WAS AN OPPORTUNITY TO HEAL
IT WAS AN OPPORTUNITY TO HEAL AND TO SEE A PATTERN OF
AND TO SEE A PATTERN OF BEHAVIOR THAT I HAD EXHIBITED
BEHAVIOR THAT I HAD EXHIBITED FOR YEARS.
FOR YEARS. I ENTERED INTO TREATMENT IN MY
I ENTERED INTO TREATMENT IN MY 30S.
30S. I HAD BEEN ADDICTED TO ALCOHOL
I HAD BEEN ADDICTED TO ALCOHOL AND DRUGS SINCE I WAS 7 YEARS
AND DRUGS SINCE I WAS 7 YEARS OLD.
OLD. AND I HAD BEGUN TO USE IT
AND I HAD BEGUN TO USE IT THEN.
THEN. A LOT OF YEARS.
A LOT OF YEARS. TAKES MORE THAN A FEW WEEKS.
TAKES MORE THAN A FEW WEEKS. AND IT TOOK MORE THAN JUST THE
AND IT TOOK MORE THAN JUST THE SECULAR PROGRAM.
SECULAR PROGRAM. I NEEDED GOD IN MY HEART AND
I NEEDED GOD IN MY HEART AND MY LIFE.
MY LIFE. TO THE POINT I WOULD SURRENDER
TO THE POINT I WOULD SURRENDER ALL.
ALL. YOU KNOW, I'M IN CONTROL OF
YOU KNOW, I'M IN CONTROL OF THINGS THROUGH CHRIST.
THINGS THROUGH CHRIST. AND MONEY COULDN'T DO IT FOR
AND MONEY COULDN'T DO IT FOR ME.
ME. POWER CAN'T DO IT FOR ME.
POWER CAN'T DO IT FOR ME. RELATIONSHIPS CAN'T DO IT FOR
RELATIONSHIPS CAN'T DO IT FOR ME.
ME. GOD HAS DONE THAT FOR ME.
GOD HAS DONE THAT FOR ME. >> HAVE YOU EVER FELT LIKE
>> HAVE YOU EVER FELT LIKE THAT YOU COULD DO BETTER IF
THAT YOU COULD DO BETTER IF YOU WOULD JUST TRY HARDER?
YOU WOULD JUST TRY HARDER? I KNOW WITH ME I REALLY FELT
I KNOW WITH ME I REALLY FELT LIKE IN MY LIFE, IN MY
LIKE IN MY LIFE, IN MY STRUGGLES, IN MY ADDICTION, IF
STRUGGLES, IN MY ADDICTION, IF I WOULD JUST TRY HARDER I
I WOULD JUST TRY HARDER I COULD ACCOMPLISH WHATEVER IT
COULD ACCOMPLISH WHATEVER IT WAS I WANTED TO ACCOMPLISH,
WAS I WANTED TO ACCOMPLISH, BECAUSE MY BELIEF WAS, NO
BECAUSE MY BELIEF WAS, NO MATTER WHAT I WANT TO DO, I
MATTER WHAT I WANT TO DO, I CAN DO IT.
CAN DO IT. WELL THAT WORKED FOR A WHILE,
WELL THAT WORKED FOR A WHILE, IT SEEMED LIKE.
IT SEEMED LIKE. BUT WHEN MY ADDICTION GOT OUT
BUT WHEN MY ADDICTION GOT OUT OF CONTROL, I CAME TO THE
OF CONTROL, I CAME TO THE PLACE THAT I REALIZED, I DON'T
PLACE THAT I REALIZED, I DON'T HAVE ANY POWER.
HAVE ANY POWER. AND I TELL YOU HOW THAT
AND I TELL YOU HOW THAT HAPPENED.
HAPPENED. AFTER I HAD SURRENDERED MY
AFTER I HAD SURRENDERED MY LIFE TO CHRIST AND MADE A
LIFE TO CHRIST AND MADE A COMMITMENT TO HIM, THE VERY
COMMITMENT TO HIM, THE VERY NEXT DAY I GOT IN MY CAR,
NEXT DAY I GOT IN MY CAR, STARTED TO TOWN, INSTEAD OF
STARTED TO TOWN, INSTEAD OF GOING TO TOWN I STARTED TO THE
GOING TO TOWN I STARTED TO THE DRUG DEALER'S HOUSE.
DRUG DEALER'S HOUSE. TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT I
TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT I GOT HIGH.
GOT HIGH. THE SAME THING HAPPENED THE
THE SAME THING HAPPENED THE NEXT DAY.
NEXT DAY. AFTER I GOT HIGH THE SECOND
AFTER I GOT HIGH THE SECOND DAY, I GOT A BOTTLE OF
DAY, I GOT A BOTTLE OF SLEEPING PILLS, A GLASS OF
SLEEPING PILLS, A GLASS OF WATER AND I WAS GOING TO TAKE
WATER AND I WAS GOING TO TAKE MY LIFE BECAUSE I FELT SUCH A
MY LIFE BECAUSE I FELT SUCH A FAILURE.
FAILURE. I GAVE MY LIFE TO CHRIST AND
I GAVE MY LIFE TO CHRIST AND DETERMINED TO LIVE FOR HIM
DETERMINED TO LIVE FOR HIM FROM THEN ON AND THE NEXT DAY
FROM THEN ON AND THE NEXT DAY I GOT HIGH AGAIN.
I GOT HIGH AGAIN. I THOUGHT IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS
I THOUGHT IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS A WEAK PERSON.
A WEAK PERSON. THE TRUTH IS, I DIDN'T HAVE
THE TRUTH IS, I DIDN'T HAVE ANY POWER.
ANY POWER. JUST BEFORE I TOOK MY LIFE,
JUST BEFORE I TOOK MY LIFE, THE TELEPHONE RANG AND IT WAS
THE TELEPHONE RANG AND IT WAS A GUY I HAD SUNG WITH.
A GUY I HAD SUNG WITH. HE HAD GAVE HIS HEART TO JESUS
HE HAD GAVE HIS HEART TO JESUS LIKE A YEAR BEFORE, AND HE
LIKE A YEAR BEFORE, AND HE CALLED.
CALLED. AND HE ASKED ME, HOW YOU
AND HE ASKED ME, HOW YOU DOING?
DOING? I SAID, I'M FINE.
I SAID, I'M FINE. YOU KNOW WE LIE ABOUT OUR
YOU KNOW WE LIE ABOUT OUR PROBLEMS A LOT.
PROBLEMS A LOT. WE DON'T WANT TO ADMIT IT,
WE DON'T WANT TO ADMIT IT, ESPECIALLY THAT WE'RE
ESPECIALLY THAT WE'RE POWERLESS AND OUR LIFE IS
POWERLESS AND OUR LIFE IS UNMANAGEABLE.
UNMANAGEABLE. KNOWING ALL WE KNOW ABOUT GOD
KNOWING ALL WE KNOW ABOUT GOD AND HIS LOVE FOR US AND CANNOT
AND HIS LOVE FOR US AND CANNOT TO DO THINGS WE KNOW HE
TO DO THINGS WE KNOW HE DOESN'T WANT US TO DO AND IT'S
DOESN'T WANT US TO DO AND IT'S DESTRUCTIVE.
DESTRUCTIVE. WHEN I SAID I'M FINE.
WHEN I SAID I'M FINE. HE SAID I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
HE SAID I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I WAS DOWN HERE PRAYING AND
I WAS DOWN HERE PRAYING AND THE LORD TOLD ME TO CALL YOU.
THE LORD TOLD ME TO CALL YOU. GOD ALWAYS SENDS JUST THE
GOD ALWAYS SENDS JUST THE RIGHT PERSON AT THE RIGHT TIME
RIGHT PERSON AT THE RIGHT TIME TO SAY THE RIGHT THING.
TO SAY THE RIGHT THING. HE KNEW WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR.
HE KNEW WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR. BUT I KNEW I HAD TO BE HONEST.
BUT I KNEW I HAD TO BE HONEST. I GAVE MY HEART TO JESUS.
I GAVE MY HEART TO JESUS. ON SUNDAY.
ON SUNDAY. THIS WAS LIKE TUESDAY.
THIS WAS LIKE TUESDAY. HE SAID PRAISE JESUS.
HE SAID PRAISE JESUS. I SAID I GOT HIGH YESTERDAY.
I SAID I GOT HIGH YESTERDAY. PEOPLE GIVE THEIR HEART TO GOD
PEOPLE GIVE THEIR HEART TO GOD AND TALK ABOUT HOW VICTORIOUS
AND TALK ABOUT HOW VICTORIOUS AND HAPPY THEY ARE AND HOW
AND HAPPY THEY ARE AND HOW MUCH PEACE THEY HAVE.
MUCH PEACE THEY HAVE. HE SAID HOLD IT.
HE SAID HOLD IT. DON'T YOU KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE
DON'T YOU KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE ANY POWER OVER ALCOHOL OR
ANY POWER OVER ALCOHOL OR DRUGS?
DRUGS? DON'T YOU KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE
DON'T YOU KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE ANY POWER OVER THE FLESH, THE
ANY POWER OVER THE FLESH, THE WORLD, THE DEVIL?
WORLD, THE DEVIL? HE SAID, AS A MATTER OF FACT,
HE SAID, AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU DON'T HAVE ANY POWER OVER
YOU DON'T HAVE ANY POWER OVER ANYTHING.
ANYTHING. YOUR LIFE IS TOTALLY
YOUR LIFE IS TOTALLY UNMANAGEABLE.
UNMANAGEABLE. FIRST TIME I HAD EVER HEARD
FIRST TIME I HAD EVER HEARD THAT.
THAT. IT MADE ME VERY ANGRY.
IT MADE ME VERY ANGRY. HE SAID WHY DON'T YOU ASK YOUR
HE SAID WHY DON'T YOU ASK YOUR FATHER TO COVER YOU WITH THE
FATHER TO COVER YOU WITH THE BLOOD OF JESUS.
BLOOD OF JESUS. I HUNG THE PHONE UP.
I HUNG THE PHONE UP. I SAID GOD I DON'T HAVE ANY
I SAID GOD I DON'T HAVE ANY POWER OVER THE DEVIL.
POWER OVER THE DEVIL. I WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING
I WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING BUT I CAN'T.
BUT I CAN'T. I ADMIT I'M TOTALLY POWERLESS.
I ADMIT I'M TOTALLY POWERLESS. MY LIFE IS TOTALLY OUT OF
MY LIFE IS TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL.
CONTROL. I TURN HIM OVER TO YOU.
I TURN HIM OVER TO YOU. WILL YOU COVER ME WITH THE
WILL YOU COVER ME WITH THE BLOOD OF JESUS.
BLOOD OF JESUS. WHEN I SAID THAT IT WAS LIKE
WHEN I SAID THAT IT WAS LIKE SOMEBODY WRAPPED A BLANKET
SOMEBODY WRAPPED A BLANKET AROUND ME AND I FOUND THE KEY
AROUND ME AND I FOUND THE KEY TO OVERCOMING.
TO OVERCOMING. ADMITTING MY POWER AND
ADMITTING MY POWER AND SURRENDERING TO HIS POWER AND
SURRENDERING TO HIS POWER AND WILL.
WILL. >> NOW I WAS A MINISTER.
>> NOW I WAS A MINISTER. AND STILL AM, BY THE WAY.
AND STILL AM, BY THE WAY. AND MY ADDICTION WAS TO
AND MY ADDICTION WAS TO RELIGION.
RELIGION. AND PEOPLE SAY, OH, HOW GREAT.
AND PEOPLE SAY, OH, HOW GREAT. WELL I THOUGHT SO UNTIL THE
WELL I THOUGHT SO UNTIL THE LORD ONE DAY JUST KIND OF
LORD ONE DAY JUST KIND OF NAILED ME AND SAID, NO, NO,
NAILED ME AND SAID, NO, NO, YOU'RE GOING ABOUT THIS ALL
YOU'RE GOING ABOUT THIS ALL WRONG.
WRONG. CONTROL IS AN ISSUE.
CONTROL IS AN ISSUE. YOU KNOW, MINISTERS ARE
YOU KNOW, MINISTERS ARE SUPPOSE TO BE IN CONTROL.
SUPPOSE TO BE IN CONTROL. IN TREATMENT THEY HAVE WHAT'S
IN TREATMENT THEY HAVE WHAT'S CALLED STINKING THINKING.
CALLED STINKING THINKING. YOU'RE BEST THINKING GOT YOU
YOU'RE BEST THINKING GOT YOU BROKE.
BROKE. YOUR BEST THINKING GOT YOU ON
YOUR BEST THINKING GOT YOU ON DRUGS.
DRUGS. WHAT WAS YOUR BEST THINKING?
WHAT WAS YOUR BEST THINKING? >> WELL I TOLD MYSELF
>> WELL I TOLD MYSELF BASICALLY EVERYTHING ON THE
BASICALLY EVERYTHING ON THE SURFACE LOOKED GOOD.
SURFACE LOOKED GOOD. BECAUSE I KEPT ANYONE FROM
BECAUSE I KEPT ANYONE FROM CONFRONTING ME ON THOSE ISSUES
CONFRONTING ME ON THOSE ISSUES THAN I TOLD MYSELF THAT I WAS
THAN I TOLD MYSELF THAT I WAS FUNCTIONING OKAY.
FUNCTIONING OKAY. IF I WAS DOING HALF OF WHAT
IF I WAS DOING HALF OF WHAT NEEDED TO BE DONE IN THE HOME,
NEEDED TO BE DONE IN THE HOME, THEN NOBODY COULD COMPLAIN
THEN NOBODY COULD COMPLAIN ABOUT ME SPENDING A LITTLE BIT
ABOUT ME SPENDING A LITTLE BIT OF MONEY ON MYSELF.
OF MONEY ON MYSELF. THAT I HAD EARNED IT.
THAT I HAD EARNED IT. THAT I DESERVED IT.
THAT I DESERVED IT. THE FOODS A LITTLE LOW BECAUSE
THE FOODS A LITTLE LOW BECAUSE I WENT A LITTLE OVERBOARD THIS
I WENT A LITTLE OVERBOARD THIS TIME BUT I'M GOING TO MAKE UP
TIME BUT I'M GOING TO MAKE UP FOR IT BECAUSE I'M STILL
FOR IT BECAUSE I'M STILL WORKING OR I HAVE SOME KIND OF
WORKING OR I HAVE SOME KIND OF INCOME COMING IN.
INCOME COMING IN. I REASONED MYSELF TO KEEP
I REASONED MYSELF TO KEEP MYSELF FROM GOING INSANE.
MYSELF FROM GOING INSANE. THIS WAS ALL INTERNALLY ALL BY
THIS WAS ALL INTERNALLY ALL BY MYSELF WHILE I PUT ON THIS
MYSELF WHILE I PUT ON THIS FACADE THAT EVERYTHING WAS
FACADE THAT EVERYTHING WAS OKAY IN MY HOME.
OKAY IN MY HOME. AND IT WAS STINKING THINKING.
AND IT WAS STINKING THINKING. >> IT'S NOT ALWAYS AS OBVIOUS
>> IT'S NOT ALWAYS AS OBVIOUS AS THAT EITHER.
AS THAT EITHER. FOR MINE EVERYONE AROUND ME
FOR MINE EVERYONE AROUND ME THOUGHT I HAD IT ALL TOGETHER
THOUGHT I HAD IT ALL TOGETHER TOO.
TOO. REALLY THINGS WERE GOING
REALLY THINGS WERE GOING GREAT.
GREAT. I HAD A VERY GOOD CAREER,
I HAD A VERY GOOD CAREER, LOVING HUSBAND.
LOVING HUSBAND. LOOKED SIMILAR TO HOW I LOOK
LOOKED SIMILAR TO HOW I LOOK NOW.
NOW. SO FOR ME IT WAS A MUCH LESS
SO FOR ME IT WAS A MUCH LESS OBVIOUS THING.
OBVIOUS THING. IT ALMOST MAKES ME THINK IF IT
IT ALMOST MAKES ME THINK IF IT COULD HAVE BEEN MORE OBVIOUS I
COULD HAVE BEEN MORE OBVIOUS I WOULD BE QUICKER TO SEE THE
WOULD BE QUICKER TO SEE THE LIGHT OF WHAT WAS GOING ON IN
LIGHT OF WHAT WAS GOING ON IN MY LIFE.
MY LIFE. FOR ME IT WAS A VERY GRAY
FOR ME IT WAS A VERY GRAY AREA.
AREA. I THINK THE ENEMY WILL GET US
I THINK THE ENEMY WILL GET US ANYWAY WE'RE ACCEPTABLE TO.
ANYWAY WE'RE ACCEPTABLE TO. FOR A LOT OF US IT'S MORE GRAY
FOR A LOT OF US IT'S MORE GRAY AREAS THAN OTHERS.
AREAS THAN OTHERS. >> ONE NIGHT I PULLED INTO A
>> ONE NIGHT I PULLED INTO A REST STOP IN MISSISSIPPI ON
REST STOP IN MISSISSIPPI ON THE WAY HOME AND I REALLY
THE WAY HOME AND I REALLY WANTED TO KILL MYSELF AND HAD
WANTED TO KILL MYSELF AND HAD A 357 MAGNUM IN THE GLOVE
A 357 MAGNUM IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT AND SOMETIMES WE
COMPARTMENT AND SOMETIMES WE DO THAT IN SELF PITY.
DO THAT IN SELF PITY. I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF AND
I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF AND IT'S NOT TRUE.
IT'S NOT TRUE. BUT THIS NIGHT IT WAS REALLY
BUT THIS NIGHT IT WAS REALLY TRUE.
TRUE. I UNLOCKED THE GLOVE
I UNLOCKED THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT AND I MADE UP MY
COMPARTMENT AND I MADE UP MY MIND I WAS GOING TO PULL THE
MIND I WAS GOING TO PULL THE GUN OUT AND SHOOT MYSELF IN
GUN OUT AND SHOOT MYSELF IN THE HEAD AND THAT WAS IT.
THE HEAD AND THAT WAS IT. I REACHED IN THERE AND THE GUN
I REACHED IN THERE AND THE GUN WASN'T THERE.
WASN'T THERE. IT SCARED ME.
IT SCARED ME. I STARTED SHAKING AND CRYING
I STARTED SHAKING AND CRYING AND I REALIZED MY WIFE MUST
AND I REALIZED MY WIFE MUST HAVE TAKEN IT OUT.
HAVE TAKEN IT OUT. I RUSH HOME TO MOBILE TO TELL
I RUSH HOME TO MOBILE TO TELL HER.
HER. KAREN, GOD BLESS YOU.
KAREN, GOD BLESS YOU. YOU SAVED MY LIFE.
YOU SAVED MY LIFE. YOU SAVED MY LIFE.
YOU SAVED MY LIFE. YOU TOOK THE GUN OUT AND KNEW
YOU TOOK THE GUN OUT AND KNEW I MUST HAVE GOING TO KILL
I MUST HAVE GOING TO KILL MYSELF.
MYSELF. SHE ED I TOOK IT OUT TO SELL
SHE ED I TOOK IT OUT TO SELL IT SO THEY WOULDN'T TURN THE
IT SO THEY WOULDN'T TURN THE LIGHTS OFF.
LIGHTS OFF. >> AFTER MY LIFE CAME
>> AFTER MY LIFE CAME UNRAVELED AND I WAS HEADING
UNRAVELED AND I WAS HEADING FOR TREATMENT I THOUGHT I
FOR TREATMENT I THOUGHT I WOULD GO THERE FOR A WHILE AND
WOULD GO THERE FOR A WHILE AND GET BETTER AND COME BACK.
GET BETTER AND COME BACK. WHEN IT TURNED OUT THAT WASN'T
WHEN IT TURNED OUT THAT WASN'T THE CASE, YOU KNOW, I STARTED
THE CASE, YOU KNOW, I STARTED SAYING, YOU KNOW, POOR ME,
SAYING, YOU KNOW, POOR ME, POOR ME.
POOR ME. HOW COME THEY DON'T SEE THAT I
HOW COME THEY DON'T SEE THAT I STOPPED DOING ALL THE BAD
STOPPED DOING ALL THE BAD STUFF?
STUFF? WHY CAN'T I BE GIVEN RIGHT
WHY CAN'T I BE GIVEN RIGHT BACK TO WHERE I WAS?
BACK TO WHERE I WAS? AND THAT STATE OF BEING A
AND THAT STATE OF BEING A VICTIM JUST BE FELL ME.
VICTIM JUST BE FELL ME. AND COVERED ME WITH SHAME.
AND COVERED ME WITH SHAME. AND YOU KNOW, I WAS FEELING
AND YOU KNOW, I WAS FEELING PRETTY BAD THEN.
PRETTY BAD THEN. BUT THAT'S MORE STINKING
BUT THAT'S MORE STINKING THINKING.
THINKING. BECAUSE I FOUND THAT MY DIS
BECAUSE I FOUND THAT MY DIS ORDERED PERCEPTIONS WAS I WAS
ORDERED PERCEPTIONS WAS I WAS BETTER THAN EVERYBODY ELSE OR
BETTER THAN EVERYBODY ELSE OR WORST THAN EVERYBODY ELSE.
WORST THAN EVERYBODY ELSE. AND THERE WAS NO TIME THAT I
AND THERE WAS NO TIME THAT I SPENT IN THE MIDDLE.
SPENT IN THE MIDDLE. NO TIME AT ALL.
NO TIME AT ALL. >> ONE OF THE OTHER THINGS
>> ONE OF THE OTHER THINGS YOU SAY TO YOURSELF WHEN
YOU SAY TO YOURSELF WHEN YOU'RE A DRUG ADDICT OR
YOU'RE A DRUG ADDICT OR ALCOHOLIC IS THIS IS THE LAST
ALCOHOLIC IS THIS IS THE LAST TIME.
TIME. GOD, THIS IS MY LAST TIME.
GOD, THIS IS MY LAST TIME. AFTER THIS, GOD, I PROMISE
AFTER THIS, GOD, I PROMISE YOU, I'M COMING TO YOU.
YOU, I'M COMING TO YOU. I'M GOING TO LIVED SAVED,
I'M GOING TO LIVED SAVED, SANCTIFIED AND FILLED WITH THE
SANCTIFIED AND FILLED WITH THE HOLY GHOST.
HOLY GHOST. I WON'T DO IT ANYMORE.
I WON'T DO IT ANYMORE. GIVE ME ONE MORE CHANCE.
GIVE ME ONE MORE CHANCE. I WOULD TELL GOD I WOULD BE
I WOULD TELL GOD I WOULD BE PRAYING WHEN I WOULD HIT THE
PRAYING WHEN I WOULD HIT THE CRACK PIPE AND SAY LORD DON'T
CRACK PIPE AND SAY LORD DON'T LET ME DIE IN SIN AND HITTING
LET ME DIE IN SIN AND HITTING THIS CRACK PIPE.
THIS CRACK PIPE. THIS IS MY LAST TIME.
THIS IS MY LAST TIME. I'M GIVING MY LIFE TO YOU.
I'M GIVING MY LIFE TO YOU. I KNOW I'M LUSTFUL AND CRAZY
I KNOW I'M LUSTFUL AND CRAZY AND HAVE ANGER PROBLEMS BUT
AND HAVE ANGER PROBLEMS BUT THIS IS MY LAST TIME, GOD.
THIS IS MY LAST TIME, GOD. I PROMISE YOU.
I PROMISE YOU. I'M COMING HOME.
I'M COMING HOME. I KNOW I NEED TO BE IN THE
I KNOW I NEED TO BE IN THE CHURCH.
CHURCH. I WAS BROUGHT UP IN THE
I WAS BROUGHT UP IN THE CHURCH.
CHURCH. YOU'LL LIE TO YOURSELF AND SAY
YOU'LL LIE TO YOURSELF AND SAY THIS IS THE LAST TIME.
THIS IS THE LAST TIME. >> TINY, EVERY TIME I WOULD
>> TINY, EVERY TIME I WOULD SAY THAT, WITHIN 24 HOURS I
SAY THAT, WITHIN 24 HOURS I WOULD FIND A JUSTIFICATION FOR
WOULD FIND A JUSTIFICATION FOR DOING IT JUST ONE MORE TIME.
DOING IT JUST ONE MORE TIME. I THINK THAT WAS MY STINKING
I THINK THAT WAS MY STINKING THINKING WAS ENTITLEMENT.
THINKING WAS ENTITLEMENT. AFTER YOU WILL IT'S MY BODY,
AFTER YOU WILL IT'S MY BODY, IT'S MY PLEASURE, LIFE IS SO
IT'S MY PLEASURE, LIFE IS SO HARD, PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND
HARD, PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND ME, ALL THESE REASONS WHY I'M
ME, ALL THESE REASONS WHY I'M ENTITLED AT LEAST ONE MORE
ENTITLED AT LEAST ONE MORE TIME TO EN DUNG.
TIME TO EN DUNG. EN TIEX..
GOING THE OTHER WAY. I'M SO AWFUL.
I'M SO AWFUL. GOD I'M TERRIBLE.
GOD I'M TERRIBLE. THAT'S THE LAST TIME I'LL DO
THAT'S THE LAST TIME I'LL DO IT.
IT. WITHIN 24 HOURS I WOULD FIND A
WITHIN 24 HOURS I WOULD FIND A REASON WHY I WAS ENTITLED TO
REASON WHY I WAS ENTITLED TO DO IT ONE MORE TIME.
DO IT ONE MORE TIME. >> ONE OF THE PRACTICES OF
>> ONE OF THE PRACTICES OF THE OXFORD GROUP THAT THE 12
THE OXFORD GROUP THAT THE 12 STEPS CAME FROM, THE FIRST
STEPS CAME FROM, THE FIRST CARDINAL PRACTICE WAS ABSOLUTE
CARDINAL PRACTICE WAS ABSOLUTE SURRENDER TO THE WILL OF GOD.
SURRENDER TO THE WILL OF GOD. >> AT THE AGE OF 17 YOU HAD
>> AT THE AGE OF 17 YOU HAD TO BE 18 TO DRINK, AND I
TO BE 18 TO DRINK, AND I PASSED FOR 18 SO I WAS BELLIED
PASSED FOR 18 SO I WAS BELLIED UP TO THE BAR WITH THE REST OF
UP TO THE BAR WITH THE REST OF THEM VERY QUICKLY.
THEM VERY QUICKLY. IT WASN'T TOO LONG UNTIL THE
IT WASN'T TOO LONG UNTIL THE BOTTLE THAT I THOUGHT I HELD
BOTTLE THAT I THOUGHT I HELD WAS HOLDING ME.
WAS HOLDING ME. MY LIFE QUICKLY CHANGED.
MY LIFE QUICKLY CHANGED. TO A LOT OF PROBLEMS, TROUBLE.
TO A LOT OF PROBLEMS, TROUBLE. WE HAD A PRETTY POPULAR BAND.
WE HAD A PRETTY POPULAR BAND. AND LET'S JUST SAY IF THERE
AND LET'S JUST SAY IF THERE WAS 400 PEOPLE THAT CAME AND
WAS 400 PEOPLE THAT CAME AND WENT DURING THE NIGHT AND 10
WENT DURING THE NIGHT AND 10 PERCENT OF THEM BOUGHT ME
PERCENT OF THEM BOUGHT ME DRINK AND THEY DID, DOUBLE
DRINK AND THEY DID, DOUBLE BOURBONS AND BEER I DRANK TWO
BOURBONS AND BEER I DRANK TWO FIFTHS A NIGHT AT LEAST I
FIFTHS A NIGHT AT LEAST I CAN'T IMAGINE HOW I DID THAT,
CAN'T IMAGINE HOW I DID THAT, BUT I DID.
BUT I DID. I THINK THE AMPHETAMINES AND
I THINK THE AMPHETAMINES AND THE DIET PILLS HELPED KEEP ME
THE DIET PILLS HELPED KEEP ME GOING.
GOING. I WOULD BE HORRIBLY DEATHLY
I WOULD BE HORRIBLY DEATHLY SICK ON MONDAY.
SICK ON MONDAY. I WOULD START FEELING A BUILT
I WOULD START FEELING A BUILT BIT LIKE MYSELF ON TUESDAY.
BIT LIKE MYSELF ON TUESDAY. WEDNESDAY WAS PROBABLY THE ONE
WEDNESDAY WAS PROBABLY THE ONE DAY OF THE WEEK I FELT LIKE A
DAY OF THE WEEK I FELT LIKE A PERSON.
PERSON. AND I WAS BACK AT IT ON
AND I WAS BACK AT IT ON THURSDAY.
THURSDAY. I ACTUALLY THOUGHT THAT I WAS
I ACTUALLY THOUGHT THAT I WAS GOING TO PROVE I COULD HANDLE
GOING TO PROVE I COULD HANDLE IT BEFORE I WOULD GIVE IT UP.
IT BEFORE I WOULD GIVE IT UP. BUT I WAS STUBBORN AND I
BUT I WAS STUBBORN AND I DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE IT UP.
DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE IT UP. I WANTED TO CONQUER IT.
I WANTED TO CONQUER IT. I FINALLY CAME TO THE PLACE I
I FINALLY CAME TO THE PLACE I REALIZED THAT WAS NOT GOING TO
REALIZED THAT WAS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
HAPPEN. IT WAS GOING TO KILL ME.
IT WAS GOING TO KILL ME. IT WAS GOING TO REEK MORE
IT WAS GOING TO REEK MORE DESTRUCTION TO MY LIFE AND
DESTRUCTION TO MY LIFE AND FAMILY THAN IT ALREADY HAD.
FAMILY THAN IT ALREADY HAD. AFTER THE CRISIS WAS OVER I
AFTER THE CRISIS WAS OVER I WAS BACK AT IT.
WAS BACK AT IT. IT'S VERY, VERY COMPELLING.
IT'S VERY, VERY COMPELLING. SO I TOLD GRACE ON CHRISTMAS
SO I TOLD GRACE ON CHRISTMAS EVE I'M GOING TO GO GET ONE
EVE I'M GOING TO GO GET ONE DRINK, JUST ONE, I'LL BE RIGHT
DRINK, JUST ONE, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
BACK. SHE BEGGED ME NOT TO GO, BUT I
SHE BEGGED ME NOT TO GO, BUT I LEFT.
LEFT. TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT
TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT THAT ONE DRINK DELUDED TO
THAT ONE DRINK DELUDED TO JUDGE, MY DELUDED JUDGMENT WAS
JUDGE, MY DELUDED JUDGMENT WAS DLUD MORE TO HAVE ANOTHER AND
DLUD MORE TO HAVE ANOTHER AND ANOTHER AND I CAME BACK HOME A
ANOTHER AND I CAME BACK HOME A DRUNKEN STAGGERING MESS AND
DRUNKEN STAGGERING MESS AND WHEN SHE MET ME AT THE DOOR I
WHEN SHE MET ME AT THE DOOR I WENT STRAIGHT TO THE GUN
WENT STRAIGHT TO THE GUN CABINET AND I COCKED THE GUN
CABINET AND I COCKED THE GUN AND POINTED IT TO MY HEART AND
AND POINTED IT TO MY HEART AND GRACE BEGGED ME TO GIVE HER
GRACE BEGGED ME TO GIVE HER THE GUN.
THE GUN. NO, I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT.
NO, I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT. SHE SAW I WAS SERIOUS AND SHE
SHE SAW I WAS SERIOUS AND SHE LEFT THE ROOM.
LEFT THE ROOM. I TRIED TO PULL THE TRIGGER
I TRIED TO PULL THE TRIGGER AND IT WAS LIKE FROZEN TO THE
AND IT WAS LIKE FROZEN TO THE FRAME.
FRAME. IN THE SILENCE AS I SAT THERE
IN THE SILENCE AS I SAT THERE ON THE BED BETWEEN DEATH AND
ON THE BED BETWEEN DEATH AND HELL SHE CAME BACK IN THE ROOM
HELL SHE CAME BACK IN THE ROOM AND SAID, JACK, GIVE ME THE
AND SAID, JACK, GIVE ME THE GUN.
GUN. I TRIED TO FUMBLE WITH IT AND
I TRIED TO FUMBLE WITH IT AND UNCOCK IT AND IT WENT OFF
UNCOCK IT AND IT WENT OFF THROUGH MY SIDE AND OUT MY
THROUGH MY SIDE AND OUT MY BACK AND LEFT A HOLE AS BIG AS
BACK AND LEFT A HOLE AS BIG AS A SILVER DOLLAR OUT MY BACK
A SILVER DOLLAR OUT MY BACK AND I FELL ON THE BED, SAT UP,
AND I FELL ON THE BED, SAT UP, STOOD UP, BLOOD RUNNING
STOOD UP, BLOOD RUNNING EVERYWHERE, DOWN ALL OVER MY
EVERYWHERE, DOWN ALL OVER MY SHOES AND RUG AND I WALKED
SHOES AND RUG AND I WALKED INTO THE LIVING ROOM TO THE
INTO THE LIVING ROOM TO THE PRESENCE OF MY CHILDREN WHO
PRESENCE OF MY CHILDREN WHO HAD JUST FINISHED PUTTING THE
HAD JUST FINISHED PUTTING THE CHRISTMAS TREE UP AND MY SON
CHRISTMAS TREE UP AND MY SON SAID, I KNOW THE PHONE NUMBER
SAID, I KNOW THE PHONE NUMBER DADDY, I'LL CALL THE
DADDY, I'LL CALL THE AMBULANCE.
AMBULANCE. HERE CAME THE RED LIGHTS AND
HERE CAME THE RED LIGHTS AND WHITE COATS AND GURNEY AND
WHITE COATS AND GURNEY AND THEY TOOK THEIR DRUNKEN
THEY TOOK THEIR DRUNKEN STUMBLING SUICIDAL FATHER OUT
STUMBLING SUICIDAL FATHER OUT THE DOOR TO THE HOSPITAL.
THE DOOR TO THE HOSPITAL. SO I MADE MY MIND UP THAT I
SO I MADE MY MIND UP THAT I WOULD STAY SOBER FOR AT LEAST
WOULD STAY SOBER FOR AT LEAST A WEEK SO WHEN I WENT BACK TO
A WEEK SO WHEN I WENT BACK TO CHURCH I WOULD, IT WOULDN'T BE
CHURCH I WOULD, IT WOULDN'T BE THE RESULT OF SOME GUILT
THE RESULT OF SOME GUILT FEELING OR HANG OVER.
FEELING OR HANG OVER. I WOULD KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I
I WOULD KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I WAS DOING.
WAS DOING. THAT'S WHAT I DID.
THAT'S WHAT I DID. OCTOBER 21ST 1977 A PREACHER
OCTOBER 21ST 1977 A PREACHER SAID IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT
SAID IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT GOD'S WILL FOR YOUR LIFE IS
GOD'S WILL FOR YOUR LIFE IS REPORT FOR DUTY.
REPORT FOR DUTY. I STUMBLED OVER FEET GOING UP
I STUMBLED OVER FEET GOING UP TO THE ALTAR BUT I POURED
TO THE ALTAR BUT I POURED MYSELF AT THE FEET OF JESUS
MYSELF AT THE FEET OF JESUS AND HE POURED HIS LIFE INTO
AND HE POURED HIS LIFE INTO ME, AND HE CHANGED ME.
ME, AND HE CHANGED ME. HE GAVE ME WHAT I WAS AFTER
HE GAVE ME WHAT I WAS AFTER AND THAT'S FREEDOM.
AND THAT'S FREEDOM. I HAVEN'T HAD A DRINK SINCE
I HAVEN'T HAD A DRINK SINCE THEN.
THEN. IT'S BEEN 25 YEARS.
IT'S BEEN 25 YEARS. IT WILL BE 25 YEARS ON THE
IT WILL BE 25 YEARS ON THE 21ST OF AUGUST.
21ST OF AUGUST. LIFE STILL HAS CHALLENGES AND
LIFE STILL HAS CHALLENGES AND PROBLEMS BUT THEY'RE THE RIGHT
PROBLEMS BUT THEY'RE THE RIGHT KIND.
KIND. >> WELL FOR THE PAST FEW
>> WELL FOR THE PAST FEW MINUTES WE HAVE BEEN LISTENING
MINUTES WE HAVE BEEN LISTENING TO SOME PEOPLE THAT KNOW WHAT
TO SOME PEOPLE THAT KNOW WHAT IT IS TO HURT.
IT IS TO HURT. WE'VE ALSO HEARD THE GOOD
WE'VE ALSO HEARD THE GOOD PART.
PART. SEE GOD TAKES BAD THINGS AND
SEE GOD TAKES BAD THINGS AND TURNS THEM INTO GOOD IF WE
TURNS THEM INTO GOOD IF WE RECOGNIZE THAT WITHOUT HIS
RECOGNIZE THAT WITHOUT HIS HELP WE CAN'T MAKE IT.
HELP WE CAN'T MAKE IT. I KNOW WHAT IT IS TO BE
I KNOW WHAT IT IS TO BE POWERLESS.
POWERLESS. I KNOW WHAT IT IS TO BE OUT OF
I KNOW WHAT IT IS TO BE OUT OF CONTROL.
CONTROL. MAYBE YOU DO TOO.
MAYBE YOU DO TOO. NONE OF US WANT TO ADMIT THAT.
NONE OF US WANT TO ADMIT THAT. WE FEEL LIKE WE CAN DO
WE FEEL LIKE WE CAN DO ANYTHING WE WANT TO DO.
ANYTHING WE WANT TO DO. BUT THE TRUTH IS, EVERYONE OF
BUT THE TRUTH IS, EVERYONE OF US REACHES PLACES IN OUR LIVES
US REACHES PLACES IN OUR LIVES WHERE THERE IS NO SOLUTION
WHERE THERE IS NO SOLUTION EXCEPT GOD'S HELP.
EXCEPT GOD'S HELP. I JUST WANT TO PRAY FOR YOU
I JUST WANT TO PRAY FOR YOU TODAY.
TODAY. I WANT YOU TO PRAY FOR ME.
I WANT YOU TO PRAY FOR ME. THAT WE CAN CONTINUE TO
THAT WE CAN CONTINUE TO REALIZE WE CAN'T DO IT.
REALIZE WE CAN'T DO IT. SO IF WE CAN'T DO IT AND OUR
SO IF WE CAN'T DO IT AND OUR LIFE IS OUT OF CONTROL, HOW DO
LIFE IS OUT OF CONTROL, HOW DO WE GET IT?
WE GET IT? THAT'S WHY IT'S IMPORTANT YOU
THAT'S WHY IT'S IMPORTANT YOU STAY TUNED TO ALL THE
STAY TUNED TO ALL THE EPISODES OF BORN TO BE FREE.
EPISODES OF BORN TO BE FREE. BECAUSE THE FIRST STEP IS SO
BECAUSE THE FIRST STEP IS SO IMPORTANT, BECAUSE IF WE DON'T
IMPORTANT, BECAUSE IF WE DON'T REALIZE THAT WE ARE TOTALLY
REALIZE THAT WE ARE TOTALLY POWERLESS AND OUR LIFE IS
POWERLESS AND OUR LIFE IS UNMANAGEABLE, WE'RE NOT GOING
UNMANAGEABLE, WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO ENJOY A LIFE OF
TO BE ABLE TO ENJOY A LIFE OF HAPPY, JOYOUS AND FREE LIVING.
HAPPY, JOYOUS AND FREE LIVING. SO I JUST PRAY TODAY RIGHT
SO I JUST PRAY TODAY RIGHT NOW, I ASK THE FATHER TO HELP
NOW, I ASK THE FATHER TO HELP YOU AND ME TO REALIZE WE'RE
YOU AND ME TO REALIZE WE'RE TOTALLY POWERLESS AND OUR LIFE
TOTALLY POWERLESS AND OUR LIFE IS UNMANAGEABLE.
IS UNMANAGEABLE. IF WE REALIZE THAT, THEN WE
IF WE REALIZE THAT, THEN WE HAVE TO SEEK FOR MORE HELP.
HAVE TO SEEK FOR MORE HELP. AND THE GOOD NEWS IS, I KNOW
AND THE GOOD NEWS IS, I KNOW THAT HELP IS AVAILABLE.
THAT HELP IS AVAILABLE. TRUST ME.
TRUST ME. I'VE BEEN THROUGH IT.
I'VE BEEN THROUGH IT. YOU HEARD OTHERS TALK ABOUT
YOU HEARD OTHERS TALK ABOUT GOING THROUGH IT.
GOING THROUGH IT. IT'S IMPORTANT YOU GET THE
IT'S IMPORTANT YOU GET THE LITTLE OFFER WE'RE GOING TO
LITTLE OFFER WE'RE GOING TO MAKE IN A MOMENT TOO BECAUSE
MAKE IN A MOMENT TOO BECAUSE IT WILL HELP YOU TO MAKE IT
IT WILL HELP YOU TO MAKE IT THROUGH, BECAUSE YOU WERE BORN
THROUGH, BECAUSE YOU WERE BORN TO BE FREE.
TO BE FREE. >> HAVE YOU BEEN INSPIRED TO
>> HAVE YOU BEEN INSPIRED TO START YOUR JOURNEY TO
START YOUR JOURNEY TO RECOVERY?
RECOVERY? PLEASE CALL OUR TOLL-FREE
PLEASE CALL OUR TOLL-FREE NUMBER.
NUMBER. 1-888-665-4483.
1-888-665-4483. AND OUR PRAYER PARTNERS CAN
AND OUR PRAYER PARTNERS CAN HELP YOU FIND A GROUP IN YOUR
HELP YOU FIND A GROUP IN YOUR AREA.
AREA. OR YOU CAN VISIT OUR WEBSITE.
OR YOU CAN VISIT OUR WEBSITE. AND CLICK ON THE BORN TO BE
AND CLICK ON THE BORN TO BE FREE.
FREE. THERE YOU CAN SEARCH OUR
THERE YOU CAN SEARCH OUR ONLINE DATA BASE OF RECOVERY
ONLINE DATA BASE OF RECOVERY GROUPS NEAR YOU.
GROUPS NEAR YOU. WHEN YOU CALL OR VISIT OUR
WHEN YOU CALL OR VISIT OUR WEBSITE, REQUEST YOUR FREE
WEBSITE, REQUEST YOUR FREE COPY OF THE SELF HELP BOOKLET,
COPY OF THE SELF HELP BOOKLET, YOUR DYNAMIC JOURNEY TO
YOUR DYNAMIC JOURNEY TO FREEDOM.
FREEDOM. IN IT YOU'LL FIND AN OUTLINE
IN IT YOU'LL FIND AN OUTLINE OF THE RECOVERY PROCESS
OF THE RECOVERY PROCESS FEATURED IN THIS SERIES.
FEATURED IN THIS SERIES. TAKE THE FIRST STEP ON YOUR
TAKE THE FIRST STEP ON YOUR JOURNEY TO FREEDOM BY
JOURNEY TO FREEDOM BY CONTACTING US, FINDING A LOCAL
CONTACTING US, FINDING A LOCAL RECOVERY GROUP AND GETTING
RECOVERY GROUP AND GETTING YOUR FREE COPY OF THIS
YOUR FREE COPY OF THIS INSPIRING BOOKLET.
INSPIRING BOOKLET. CALL NOW BECAUSE YOU WERE BORN
CALL NOW BECAUSE YOU WERE BORN TO BE FREE.
TO BE FREE. >> I HAD FIVE OR SIX AUTO
>> I HAD FIVE OR SIX AUTO ACCIDENTS WHERE CARS WERE
ACCIDENTS WHERE CARS WERE TOTALED.
TOTALED. DIVORCE, BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS,
DIVORCE, BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS, ANGRY KIDS, BANKRUPTCY.
ANGRY KIDS, BANKRUPTCY. GOD WAS SAYING, PAY ATTENTION.
GOD WAS SAYING, PAY ATTENTION. >> I'VE BEEN STABBED, I'VE
>> I'VE BEEN STABBED, I'VE BEEN SHOT AT.
BEEN SHOT AT. I WAS MISSED.
I WAS MISSED. CLOSE RANGE.
CLOSE RANGE. GOD GOT ME OUT OF SITUATIONS.
GOD GOT ME OUT OF SITUATIONS. I JUST KNEW HE WAS REAL.
I JUST KNEW HE WAS REAL. >> GOD BECAME INTIMATE TO ME.
>> GOD BECAME INTIMATE TO ME. WE HAVE AN INTIMATE
WE HAVE AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP TODAY.
RELATIONSHIP TODAY. ¶ AMAZING GRACE.
¶ AMAZING GRACE. HOW SWEET THE SOUND.
HOW SWEET THE SOUND. ¶I ONCE WAS BOUND, BUT NOW I'M
¶I ONCE WAS BOUND, BUT NOW I'M FREE..
>> THERE WAS TIMES I WAS PETRIFIED BUT I WAS STUBBORN.
PETRIFIED BUT I WAS STUBBORN. AND I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE
AND I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE IT UP.
IT UP. I DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE IT UP.
I DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE IT UP. I WANTED TO CONQUER IT.
I WANTED TO CONQUER IT. AND I FINALLY CAME TO THE
AND I FINALLY CAME TO THE PLACE I REALIZED THAT WAS NOT
PLACE I REALIZED THAT WAS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
GOING TO HAPPEN. IT WAS GOING TO KILL ME.
IT WAS GOING TO KILL ME. IT WAS GOING TO REAP MORE
IT WAS GOING TO REAP MORE DESTRUCTION TO MY FAMILY AND
DESTRUCTION TO MY FAMILY AND LIFE THAN IT ALREADY HAD.
LIFE THAN IT ALREADY HAD. AND I'M CONVINCED IT WAS THE
AND I'M CONVINCED IT WAS THE PRAYERS..