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Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Yeah, it says here
there's another sighting
of the Loch Ness monster.
Yeah? Do you believe that?
There's even a picture of him.
Whoa! Looks kind of
like President Reagan.
That is Reagan.
The other picture's the monster.
Oh, I see.
Wonder if they'll ever
catch that thing, huh?
Well, I, for one, hope they never do.
I mean, none of us really want to see
that poor beast hauled out of the water
and put on display in some sideshow.
Well, I sure would.
You know, we could all go together.
I don't mind driving.
Yeah, but, uh, you see, ***, they
You know, it'd be kind of fun.
We could pack a lunch.
No, ***, they
All right, who wants
peanut butter and jelly
and who wants bologna?
***, they
I'll have one of each, all right?
(piano plays)
? Making your way in the world today ?
? Takes everything you've got ?
? Taking a break from all your worries ?
? Sure would help a lot ?
? Wouldn't you like to get away? ?
? Sometimes you want to go ?
? Where everybody knows your name ?
? And they're always glad you came ?
? You want to be where you can see ?
? Our troubles are all the same ?
? You want to be where
everybody knows your name ?
? You want to go where people know ?
? People are all the same ?
? You want to go where
everybody knows your name.
?
Hey, Carla, how's that
house-hunting going, huh?
Does that answer your question?
Yes, very nicely.
Boy, I'll tell you, it's hopeless.
I've looked everywhere
in the Boston area,
and I just cannot find a
house in my price range.
After scrimping and saving for years,
I think I got finally enough
set aside for a little place,
and find out I ain't got squat.
Well, what's the big rush?
Your apartment's fine.
No, it's not.
My kids get bigger, my
apartment gets smaller.
I don't know what it's like
to be alone in a bathroom anymore.
What's it like, Sam?
Is it everything people say it is?
More.
Much, much more.
I knew it.
Hello, everyone.
Hi.
DIANE: Sam, I happen
to be free tonight.
If a certain gentleman should
come to knock on my door,
say, about 7:30,
I wouldn't be adverse to going out.
I sure hope you get lucky.
Because I did; I got myself
a hot date tonight.
I see what you're doing.
Even though I eventually
agreed to marry you,
you're still smarting from the
sting of my initial rejection
and looking for ways to punish me.
No, I'm not going out with
other women to punish you.
That's just one of the perks.
If you're trying to make
me jealous, you can stop.
I want you to date these women.
While they may look
better in leotards--
then again,
they may not--
they can't compare to the total package
you've experienced with me.
Oh, I see-- we're
talking brains.
Listen, I'll have you know
that Tiffany happens to be a
very exceptional young woman.
Ah, yes, Tiffany-- the
girl with the IQ of a lamp.
Let me describe her for you:
spandex wardrobe.
Spends all of her time in a gym.
*** that would provide
shade for a small boy.
You, you're not even close.
You, you're so far from being close.
She makes me crazy.
Did you hear that?
Yup.
Hi, can I speak to Tiffany, please?
I don't know; try the aerobics class.
Yeah, yeah, will you just tell her
that Sam can't make it tonight.
Uh, something's upset his stomach.
Yeah, thank you.
Whew.
Boy.
Got to be somebody in here with a brain.
I mean, I don't even care
if she's good-looking.
You got a sister, Frasier?
No.
You have a dress?
What's the occasion?
Hey, tutti-frutti and a rooti.
Oh, boy, a good and gracious afternoon
to every one of you wonderful people.
Oh, Cliffie, cheer up, bud.
Eh, Normie, I'm a happy man.
I started a new route today.
So, where is it?
Uh, Meadowview Acres.
You know, just north of the airport?
It's a real plum.
Yeah, best route in the city.
No one else wanted it, huh?
(chuckling)
Are you kidding?
It's a nesting ground for
stewardesses out there.
Yeah, there's a house
full of them, you know,
living all together.
And they're nuts about me.
Well, how do you know that, Mr.
Clavin?
***, they stand behind the curtain,
laughing and giggling the way women do
when they're taken with a man.
Have a couple of drafts, ***?
Oh, hey, Carla, listen,
if you're still, uh,
searching out a new house,
uh, I got a doozy out there on my route.
I wrote out the, uh, particulars.
Give me this.
"Meadowview Acres.
"
I know where that is.
I couldn't afford
Hey, this thing is in my price range
which means it is either
built on quicksand,
or is currently on fire.
CLIFF: Look, Carla, I looked at it
and it looked all right to me.
Come on, Carla, check it out.
What do you got to lose?
You really think I should?
Yeah, remember what your
horoscope said today?
"Take a chance, explore other avenues.
"
That's right!
And you know what?
That jives with my other two horoscopes,
my tarot cards, and Madame
Livinda's latest palm reading.
SAM: Well, there you go.
I think I better go give
this thing a look-see.
I'll be back later.
Yeah, bye-bye.
CARLA: Okay.
Hey, Mr.
Peterson, I'm a Leo.
What's my horoscope say?
Young bartender should refill mug
of thirsty patron at corner of bar.
Those things are so vague,
they could apply to anyone.
Sammy! Sammy!
Listen, I went to see that house,
and it was perfect.
I mean, listen to this.
Me and the older kids
could have rooms of our own.
Oh-ho!
And there's this big kitchen
with Formica as far
as the eye could see.
And there's grass, Sammy.
I mean, can you imagine
having grass of your very own
to water and mow and lie down
in naked anytime you want.
That's the American dream, all right.
Yeah.
Oh, oh, oh--
there's a fireplace.
Finally the kids are
going to have a place
where they're supposed to start a fire.
I'm so excited, I don't know what to do.
Carla, you're talking
like you've already bought the place.
I did.
You what? I bought it!
I did!
(everyone exclaiming)
They took my first offer.
Went through without a hitch.
Your very first offer?
Yeah, yeah, they could see
I'd be a tough negotiator
and buckled under.
Well, when do you move in?
In a few weeks.
I got to wait for the loan to clear,
but the guy at the
bank said not to worry,
so I'm not going to.
Life is too wonderful to worry.
Thank you.
SAM: Carla, Carla,
don't you think there's somebody else
you ought to say something to?
Oh.
Cliff.
Stop.
Don't move.
Don't turn around.
Don't say anything.
Just look at the floor.
Huh?
Just do as I said.
Cliff, I want to thank you
for telling me about the house.
You're welcome.
Oh, puke.
I knew you'd get mushy.
I see the search for intelligent
forms of life continues.
Do you mind?
You're in my light.
I am your light.
Happy hunting.
Uh-huh.
Evening, everybody.
EVERYONE: Norm!
What's shakin', Mr.
Peterson?
What isn't?
Hey, there, Norm.
Carla bought that
house I told her about.
And she knew its history?
What, what do you mean?
Well, the asking price
just seemed a little low for that area,
so I did a little checking on my own.
Oh, no.
I don't think
I want to hear this.
Yeah, apparently,
the house is built
directly over the graveyard
of a 17th-century prison.
Oh, my God!
It wasn't exactly a
white-collar prison, either.
The worst murderers and
cutthroats of their time.
They executed hundreds of them.
(groans)
Local legend has it that they're
going to rise from the grave
and seek revenge on
whoever dares to live there.
(groaning)
NORM: Well, we all know
how superstitious Carla is.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God,
oh, God! What's with him?
He, uh, forgot his dry cleaning.
Let me have a scotch
and an Irish coffee.
I guess she doesn't know about it, huh?
Of course she doesn't know.
Would you buy a house that
had that kind of history?
Houses have karmas.
SAM: Look at her; she's so happy.
But she has a right to know.
Well, I don't know.
It's always dangerous
to mess with Carla,
but especially when she's happy.
It's like when, uh, Frankenstein
was playing with the
little girl, you know?
It was a bad time to go
up to him with a torch.
CLIFF: Yes, it's
a terrible time; a
terrible, terrible time.
I don't know; I think Diane's right.
I think we should tell her.
Maybe it's not too late
to do something about it.
Hey, Carla?
Yeah, Sam?
I got something to tell
you about the house.
Something not great.
I knew it.
Carla Tortelli, when
will you ever learn?
After all these years of heartbreak,
you still get your hopes up.
Okay, get it over with.
What's wrong with it?
Diane?
Carla, your house is built over
a 17th-century prison graveyard.
That's it?
Mm-hmm.
Thank God!
I thought you were
gonna say it had dry rot.
Dry?
Oh, no problem.
So, how's the new homeowner, huh?
Fine.
Just great.
Well, are you still living
out of those cardboard boxes?
Yeah, you know how it is.
DIANE: You know, Carla,
I really admire you.
It took such courage to overlook
the unhallowed ground on
which your house is built.
I know I would've had my
last earthly moment of rest
in that house the moment I moved in.
Why, I could no more close my eyes
in that cauldron of blood
than sever my own arm.
SAM: Hey, Diane
Oh, yes, well
Angels on your pillow.
You know, I get this feeling in my gut
that something's bothering Carla.
I'm going to find out what it is.
Hey, uh, so, Carla, how's the house?
It's a great house!
It's a wonderful house!
It's the best house in the world!
(angrily): Ooh!
What's the matter?
Nothing.
Did you find a problem
after you moved in?
No 'cause I haven't
actually moved in yet.
So you are bothered
by the house's history?
Of course I'm bothered by it.
I saw Poltergeist.
Do you think I want to end up in the TV?
I just didn't say anything before
'cause I didn't want
anyone to know I was scared.
Sammy, there's something
evil in that house,
something cold and clammy and horrible.
It doesn't want me there.
Carla, I've had phobias before,
and I've found that
the first essential step
in overcoming one is to confront it.
I'll bet if you spent one night,
God help you, in that house
your fears would be licked.
Hey.
You're not going to let anything
stand in the way of
your dreams, are you?
No, I'm not.
I've never been a quitter.
I'm going to spend
tonight in that house.
Good for you, Carla.
Damn right!
I'm going to conquer this thing.
I'm not going to let any demons
from the other world deny me my house.
Last chance to stop me.
(dog growling faintly)
(keys rattling)
(lock clicks)
(door creaking)
(switch clicks twice)
(clicking repeatedly)
(sighs)
Only ten more hours to go.
(doorbell rings)
(gasps, shrieks)
What are you two
ding-a-lings doing here?
Well, uh, we, uh, come
to spend the night.
And, uh
I brought you a little
pizza with anchovies.
I hate anchovies.
Yeah, me, too.
Then let's eat, huh?
Hey, you know, this is a, uh,
nice place, Carla.
NORM: Yeah.
Oh, yeah, hey, look.
Great fireplace here, Normie.
Yeah.
Super living room.
Hey, you know, with a, uh,
little fresh paint and
some new wallpaper
you'll have some, uh
fresh paint and new wallpaper.
Look, I appreciate what
you guys are trying to do,
but it's not necessary.
I'm fine.
Oh, sure, you're fine.
It's
a terrific place, Carla.
It's got a really nice feeling in here.
It's, uh, warm and cozy.
Have you checked out the
rest of the place yet?
No, I thought it might be
a good idea to have a beer first.
Yeah, I find that pretty much applies
to just about everything.
(dogs howling outside)
What was that?
Hound from hell.
No, no, no, no.
That's, a that was a Dalmatian.
I'd say probably six, seven years old.
Definitely neutered.
Yep I've, uh, never been bitten
by that breed, but, uh
(phone rings)
What was that?
It was the telephone.
Keep an eye on Indiana Jones here, huh?
I do not have a good feeling
about this place, Cliff.
All right, Normie, look,
I said we're going to stick it out,
and that's exactly what
we're going to do, eh?
All right, if the going gets tough,
you can count on Norm Peterson.
Well, that was Sam.
Vera called.
She wants you to come home.
Yep.
I'm out of here.
Norm, Norm, come on!
I mean, since when are you
in such a rush to get home to Vera?
Since you moved in
over a graveyard, Carla.
Guys, look, I-I'm sorry.
I just I don't know.
Scary stuff just scares me.
Hey, hey, Normie, you're driving!
(sighs)
Well, guess it's, uh
just the two of us, huh?
Yep.
("A Summer Place" playing) You
can take off, too, you know.
There's nothing keeping you here.
Yeah, no, I know.
Oh I love that song.
Gee, I went to a lot of
dances in high school.
You were a dancer?
No, no, I was on the,
uh, decorating committee.
I still have crepe paper
stains on my fingers.
Yeah, I remember, you know,
watching all those kids
out there having one hell of a time,
and I thought, "Boy, I'd love
to be out there with them,"
but I could never find a
partner to practice with.
Fascinating.
Hey, hey, hey, keep your grubby fingers
off my piece there.
Hey, Carla, you know something?
This is the, uh, first time
we've ever been alone together.
Please, I'm eating.
Can I ask you a question?
Who's stopping you?
How come you're always getting on me?
Is it my fault you're such a yutz?
And as long as we're asking questions,
what are you doing here tonight?
Well, having a little
beer and a little pizza,
and, uh helping a friend
through a scary night.
You think I'm scared?
I'm not scared.
No, Carla it's
nothing to be ashamed of.
Remember what, uh,
Ernest Hemingway said
Would you shut up?
No, I think that was Jack London.
Look, Carla,
I feel a little responsible
for getting you into this,
and I just thought you needed,
uh, somebody to be here with you.
I don't need anybody, least of all you.
All right.
Fine.
(door creaks open)
Cliff?
("Blue on Blue" playing)
You know, uh
I taught a couple of
guys to dance in my day.
So?
So nothing.
First rule:
no stepping on the teacher's feet.
(chuckles)
Well,
yes, ma'am.
Give me your hands.
Loosen up, would ya?
I don't bite.
Well, not you.
All right,
rock, walk.
Rock don't bounce.
BOTH: Rock, walk, rock, walk
CARLA: There you go.
Hey! Hey!
What was your leg doing
underneath my head?
I don't know.
Hey, I was asleep.
I, I, I didn't even enjoy it.
You better not have.
What, uh, what time is it?
It's 4:30 in the morning.
Whoo
It's gonna be dawn soon.
Hey!
I did it!
I stayed here all night!
The spell is broken.
Thank you, Cliff.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, I wonder how long she's
been wanting to do that.
It's gonna be okay.
My luck is finally changing.
Hey, can you feel it?
Uh, feel what?
The house, it's different now.
It likes me.
It wants me.
You know what?
I think I'm gonna put
the couch right over here.
And the oil painting of me and Elvis
on that wall.
Uh-huh,
uh-huh.
And the easy chair
(rumbling)
What's that?
I don't know.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
They're coming to get us.
They're gonna drag us back
down to the grave with them!
(gasps)
(screaming)
(jet engines roaring)
(screaming)
No, wait, no, Carla,
know what that is?
It it's-it's not the
dead coming out of the grave
to feast on human flesh.
It's an L-1011
wide-body.
You know, the sounds are very similar.
Yeah.
And I understand that
during foggy weather,
they have to reroute those babies
to runway two-niner.
It must be near here.
Do you mean
that this house, my house,
is at the end of a runway?
(whimpering): Uh-huh.
And that was a wide-body jet
landing ten feet from my backyard?
(whimpers): Yeah.
And this house is not
cheap because it's haunted,
but because it is right
next to the airport?
Yeah.
I'm home! Yay!