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- HI, I'M KRIS JENNER,
AND THIS IS MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER, KIM.
- MOM!
- I JUST WANNA MAKE SURE THEY'RE PAYING ATTENTION.
- WITH ALL THE CRAZINESS THAT'S HAPPENING THIS SEASON,
TRUST ME.
THEY'RE GONNA BE PAYING ATTENTION.
- AH!
I AM THE ROSA PARKS OF WHITE PEOPLE.
- WHOA, JOAN-- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WE HAVE EVERYTHING THIS SEASON.
WE HAVE SEX.
WHERE'S YOUR NIGHTGOWN? - DOES THIS UPSET YOU?
- OH, MY GOD! - OH, MY GOD-- OH, MY GOD!
MOM!
WE HAVE A LOT OF DRAMA.
- JOAN, IT COULD BE A CANCER.
- STOP, PLEASE.
- WE'RE STILL LIVING AND WORKING TOGETHER,
AND IT IS MAKING EVERYONE CRAZY.
DON'T MAKE ME SAY IT TWICE. - GO BACK-- STEP BACK.
- I'M NOT STAYING IT TWICE-- OUT OF THE CART.
I'M TALKING TO YOU PRIVATELY. - WHATEVER.
- YOU GOT A WHOLE LOT OF ATTITUDE UP IN HERE!
- WHOA-WHOA-WHOA! [screaming]
- LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!
- BUT, IN THE END, MELISSA,
WE HAVE THE ONE THING THAT REALLY MATTERS.
- LOVE?
- NO, CELEBRITIES.
WHO'S IN THE CLOSET TONIGHT?
KELLY OSBOURNE, ELLE LAMBERT,
CHRIS HARRISON, KAT VON D.
- THIS IS GONNA SHOCK THE WORLD.
- IT'S AMAZING WHAT YOU GET AWAY WITH.
- [deleted] YOU, SARAH SILVERMAN.
- [deleted] YOU, TOO.
- AND TONIGHT, ON "JOAN AND MELISSA..."
- I AM GETTING STUFF READY FOR JOHN, MY EX-HUSBAND.
- JOHN ENDICOTT IS STAYING HERE?
- WHY CAN'T I JUST WALK AWAY?
DON'T YOU WISH WE HAD BEEN TOGETHER LONG ENOUGH
TO HAVE TWO?
- MELISSA, I GOTTA TALK TO YOU.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. - IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
[groaning]
- I HATE HER.
- JOAN, YOU'VE REALLY NEVER KISSED A WOMAN?
- OKAY, QUIET, EVERYONE.
I HAVE TO SAY THAT YOU ALL--
I'M SO GLAD YOU ALL COULD COME TONIGHT.
I WANTED YOU ALL TO MEET EACH OTHER.
SOME OF YOU ARE OLD FRIENDS-- SOME OF YOU ARE NEW.
- RELATED.
- JOAN, HAPPILY, IS ONE OF MY OLDEST FRIENDS.
- OH, YES.
- ALL OF YOU, BLESS YOU ALL.
- THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME-- WHAT AN HONOR.
- SO, IT WAS A GOOD THING.
- DID YOU THINK YOU'D EVER BE AT A TABLE WITH JOAN RIVERS
AND LILY TOMLIN?
- NO-- I THINK I'M STILL DREAMING.
- YEAH, I KNOW-- I-- ME, TOO-- ME, TOO.
- I'M SITTING HERE, AT THIS TERRIFIC PARTY,
WITH JANE LYNCH, AND LILY TOMLIN,
AND JAI RODRIGUEZ, AND WE'RE HAVING THE BEST TIME.
I KEEP THINKING, "I'M THE ONLY STRAIGHT ONE
"AT THIS TABLE."
WHY, GOD?
WHERE DID MY PARENTS GO WRONG?
- WHAT'S MELISSA UP TO? - OH, SHE'S GREAT.
THANK GOD-- SHE'S BEEN DATING THIS GUY, STEVE HIRSCH, AND--
- THE PORNOGRAPHER? - THE PORNOGRAPHER.
- HEY, UH, SHE'S DATING A PORNOGRAPHER NOW,
AND I MISSED IT.
- YEAH, NOW WAIT. - VERY SUCCESSFUL.
- SUCCESSFUL.
- ONE OF THE BIGGEST IN THE WORLD.
- YES.
- HE'S A REAL BUSINESSMAN, BUT HIS BUSINESS IS ***.
[laughing]
I DON'T CARE HOW GREAT YOUR BODY IS.
HE'S SEEN BETTER.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
BUT, SHE'S FINE.
AND COOPER IS-- COOPER'S GOOD? - COOPER'S GREAT.
- HE'S SO DARLING. - GREAT.
- GOOD-- GOOD. - WHAT A CUTIE.
- HOW DO YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER?
- LILY AND I MET-- IT WAS ABOUT TEN YEARS AGO.
I DID HER WEBSITE.
- OH, I'M VERY IMPRESSED. - A VERY HIP WEBSITE.
- YES. - THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- OOH!
- THIS IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DRESS.
WHERE DID YOU GET THIS-- THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.
- IN NEW YORK, JANINE DRAY.
SHE DOES HAUTE COUTURE.
SHE'S FRENCH, AND SHE LOVES COLOR.
- THE COMBINATION IS ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL.
- THANK YOU. - THEY HAVE NOTHING LIKE THIS
AND NO ONE LIKE THIS IN CALIFORNIA.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
- I LIVED IN NEW YORK FOR 23 YEARS,
SO I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND, YOU KNOW?
- I USED TO LOVE, LIKE, SUNDAYS, GOING TO THE ART GALLERIES,
WALKING AROUND. - YES.
- DOING ALL THAT. - NOBODY DOES THAT HERE.
- YEAH, THEY DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GO
TO SEE SOMETHING REALLY GOOD. - RIGHT.
AND NOBODY WALKS. - NO.
- THERE'S A NEW GALLERY THAT OPENED UP
THAT HAS CONTEMPORARY ART. - REALLY?
- AND IT WOULD BE-- I THINK IT'D BE A LOT OF FUN, UH,
YOU KNOW, IF YOU AND I WENT IN TO TAKE A LOOK AT SOME
OF THE NEW ARTISTS.
GOOD. - LOVE IT, ABSOLUTELY.
- WE'RE INTO IT. - THAT'S GREAT, YOU GUYS.
- SHE NEEDS TO GET OUT, SHIRL.
- OH, WE ALL NEED TO GET OUT.
- I NEED A LITTLE CULTURE.
[laughing]
MELISSA? - YES?
- I FOUND THIS IN YOUR CLOSET.
CAN I HAVE IT?
- OH, ABSOLUTELY. - I LOVE THIS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING-- I AM GETTING STUFF READY FOR JOHN.
- JOHN WHO?
- JOHN, MY EX-HUSBAND.
- JOHN ENDICOTT IS STAYING HERE?
- HIS HOUSE HAS TERMITES,
AND THEY GOTTA DO ALL THE FUMIGATING
AND THE TENTING THIS WEEK, SO--
- SO, WHY DOESN'T HE GO TO A HOTEL?
- IT'S STUPID FOR HIM TO GO TO A HOTEL.
COME HERE-- SPEND THE WEEKEND WITH--
- MELISSA, HE'S YOUR EX-HUSBAND. - SO WHAT-- WE'RE FRIENDLY.
- OH, HERE WE GO. - HERE, I GOT IT.
- OKAY. - COOPER WILL HAVE FUN.
IT'S A COUPLE OF DAYS.
- SO, HE'S GONNA SHARE THE ROOM WITH COOPER?
- YEP.
OKAY, I'LL ADMIT IT'S A LITTLE AWKWARD, BUT--
- A LITTLE? - A LIT-- IT-- OKAY.
- YOUR EX-HUSBAND IS MOVING BACK IN THE HOUSE WITH YOU.
- HE'S NOT MOVING IN THE HOUSE--HE'S STAYING WITH US.
- WELL-WELL, HE'S-- WELL, HE'S NOT LIVING IN A TENT.
HE'S STAYING IN YOUR HOUSE.
- WELL, NO, MOM, THE MAN JUST HAD KNEE SURGERY.
HE'S HAVING TROUBLE GETTING AROUND.
- PEOPLE GET AROUND.
- MOM, WE'RE JUST FRIENDS.
- THAT IS A MYTH, MELISSA.
MEN AND WOMEN ARE NOT JUST FRIENDS.
THERE ARE LOTS OF MYTHS THAT WE LIVE WITH.
UH, THE TOOTH FAIRY IS A MYTH.
UH, BLACK, GAY REPUBLICANS ARE A MYTH.
UH, FEMALE MULTIPLE ORGASMS IS A MYTH.
HOW WAS LAST NIGHT? - IT WAS GREAT.
IT WAS JUST GREAT-- LILY WAS GREAT.
JANE WAS GREAT. - WAS IT JUST YOU GUYS?
- NO, THEY HAD FRIENDS-- IT-IT--
- JOAN, IT'S TIME FOR THE CONFERENCE CALL.
- IS IT SPIELBERG?
- NO. - DAMN!
- HOW ARE YOU?
- OH, WE HAVE A LOT TO TALK ABOUT?
- OH, YEAH? - A LOT GOIN' ON.
- WHAT'S GOIN' ON? - I HAD DINNER WITH STEVEN.
AND I-I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.
STEVEN HIRSCH AND I HAVE BEEN DATING FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
IT'S IN A VERY AWKWARD PLACE.
WE-- IT STARTED OUT REALLY FAST AND FURIOUS,
AND THE RELATIONSHIP KIND OF BLEW UP.
AND NOW, WE'RE SORTA HANGING OUT, AGAIN.
IT'S REALLY CONFUSING.
IT'S ONE OF THE REASONS THAT I THINK IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT
THAT I STARTED TALKING TO A THERAPIST.
THE WHOLE RELATIONSHIP HAPPENED SO FAST.
AND THEN, SIX MONTHS LATER,
IT BLEW UP JUST AS FAST.
AND HERE WE ARE, AND TIME HAS PASSED,
AND WE GO OUT TO DINNER,
AND I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA BE REALLY EXCITED.
YOU KNOW, AND I SAT THERE AT DINNER AND FELT EMPTY.
- DO YOU WISH YOU HADN'T OF GONE TO DINNER,
OR ARE YOU GLAD YOU WENT?
- WHY CAN'T I JUST WALK AWAY?
WHY COULDN'T I HAVE JUST--
- YOU CLING ON, THINKING, WELL, YOU KNOW,
MAYBE I'LL JUST GET ONE LITTLE NUGGET
OF THAT REALLY FANTASTIC THING THAT I HAD.
OH, WAIT, I'M NOT.
- I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I THINK.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I FEEL ABOUT IT.
AND LISTEN TO THIS.
ALL THESE YEARS HAVE PAST,
ALMOST TEN YEARS SINCE JOHN, MY EX-HUSBAND, AND I
HAVE SEPARATED AND DIVORCED,
AND WE HAD A ROTTEN DIVORCE.
AND NOW, SUDDENLY, WE'RE FRIENDS,
AND I INVITED HIM TO COME AND STAY WITH ME.
IT'S SORTA STRANGE TO HAVE HIM COMING BACK INTO THE HOUSE
WHERE WE LIVED TOGETHER, BUT WE'RE NOT TOGETHER.
- IT'S DEFINITELY ODD.
AND YOU BETTER PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE FACT
THAT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW YOU'RE GOING TO FEEL ABOUT IT.
- I'LL KEEP YOU ON SPEED DIAL.
- YOU KNOW, I USED TO KEEP A CHOPSTICK
IN MY PURSE AS A WEAPON.
- IT'S NOT A WEAPON.
- YEAH, YOU C-- IF YOU STAB SOMEONE IN THE ***,
OR THE THROAT, OR THE EYE--
- WELL, HOW ARE YOU GONNA STAB SOMEBODY IN THE ***?
- IF THEY GO TO TAKE ME, I'M GONNA GO RIGHT BETWEEN THE LEGS
AND GET 'EM RIGHT IN THE NUT SACK.
THAT'S THE PLAN.
WHAT'S UP WITH MELISSA-- WHERE'S SHE AT?
- LET ME JUST TELL YOU-- SHE'S GOING TO A PSYCHIATRIST, NOW.
I KNOW SHE'S TRYING TO SAY-- - SHE IS?
- YEAH-- YOU KNOW, RIGHT NOW, SHE'S SITTING THERE EVERY HOUR
BLAMING EVERYTHING ON HER MOTHER,
'CAUSE THEY ALL BLAME IT ON THEIR MOTHER.
- YEAH, I DID.
- O.J. SIMPSON'S KIDS BLAME-BLAME IT ON THE MOTHER.
- WELL, IT'S PROBABLY HER FAULT, IN PART.
- I THINK SO.
- HEY, GUYS, WHAT'S UP?
- HI, SWEETHEART. - HI.
- IS THERE FOOD LEFT? - YES, THERE, HERE.
- OKAY, I WANT ONE OF THOSE. - YOU'RE AT A SHRINK?
YOU'RE GOING TO A SHRINK?
- YES, I AM FINALLY TAKING CONTROL OF MY OWN PSYCHE.
- AND YOU-- OKAY, BUT-- - AND ASKING FOR HELP.
- WHY, SUDDENLY, AT THIS AGE,
DO YOU FEEL THE NEED FOR PSYCHOLOGISTS?
- SOMETIMES, I NEED TOOLS TO LEARN HOW TO--
- TOOLS?
- DEAL WITH CERTAIN ISSUES THAT I FIND RECURRING
IN MY LIFE.
- LIKE YOUR MOTHER SHOWING UP EVERY WEEK.
- IF YOU DON'T WANT ME IN THE HOUSE, JUST SAY SO.
- THAT IS NOT WHAT I WAS SAYING. - SURE.
- I KNOW IT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO BELIEVE THIS,
BUT I DO HAVE OTHER THINGS TO TALK ABOUT BESIDES YOU.
- SUCH AS?
- SUCH AS WHAT?
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? - STUFF.
- TELL ME A LITTLE BIT. - MOM, I DO NOT--
- GIVE ME A LITTLE BIT. - NO.
- CAN YOU GIVE US A CATEGORY? - NO.
- I BET I CAN GUESS-- I CAN GUESS.
- WHAT-- LET'S HEAR IT. - STEVEN?
MELISSA, WOULD YOU GIVE HIM A [deleted]?
- NOPE.
- YOU WOULDN'T GIVE HIM A [deleted]?
- NO!
- WHAT KIND OF BALLS DOES HE HAVE, MELISSA?
- EVERY-EVERY-- - I'M NOT GONNA TALK--
- ARE THEY R-ROUND AND SPHERICAL?
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
- DO THEY HANG LIKE-- - YOU KNOW-YOU KNOW WHAT?
- DO THEY SWING-- ARE THEY SWINGERS?
- HE'S 50-SOMETHING-- THEY-THEY'RE 50-SOMETHIN'.
DOES THAT SAY STEVEN TO YOU?
- OR, WOULD YOU SAY THEY'RE MORE UP AND TIGHT?
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M NOT PLANNING ON DISCUSSING THIS WITH EITHER OF YOU.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T HAVE TO.
- YOU KNOW, MOTHERS AND DAUGHTERS ARE--
CHER AND CHAZ.
WHY CAN'T WE BE LIKE CHER AND CHAZ?
I-- IF YOU CAME TO ME AND SAID, "I WANT A ***,"
CHECKBOOK WOULD BE OUT.
I'D SAY, "HOW MUCH IS-IS A ***?"
- AND YOU WONDER WHY I GO TO THERAPY?
REALLY-- REALLY?
- IF I HAD A ***, I WOULD STICK IT IN EVERYTHING.
- HELLO.
HELLO-- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- I HAVE RESPECTED YOU FOR SUCH A LONG TIME.
- THEN, YOU'RE A FOOL.
NICE TO MEET YOU. - OH, I KNOW I AM.
- NICE TO MEET YOU-- THAT'S RIGHT.
- HELLO, MY GORGEOUS. - OH, GREAT TO SEE YOU!
HOW NICE TO SEE-- - OH, YOU LOOK STUNNING!
- THIS IS EXCITING-- I LOVE GOING TO ART GALLERIES.
I, MYSELF, ARE A VERY MINOR AMATEUR PAINTER.
UH, MY PAINTINGS ARE JUST TERRIBLE.
YOU LOOK AT THEM.
I MEAN, THEY-THEY ARE MESSIER THAN MICHAEL J. FOX
EATING A SLOPPY JOE.
LOOKS LIKE OCTOMOM'S UTERUS.
I GUESS-- I DON'T KNOW.
AND THIS, OBVIOUSLY,
IS CALLED PARIS HILTON.
I DON'T KNOW WHY.
NOW, THAT'S INTERESTING.
- YOU KNOW, CONTEMPORARY ART,
IT'S JUST SOMETHING THAT YOU FEEL.
- CONTEMPORARY-- - IT MAKES NO SENSE.
THIS, FOR SOME REASON, MAKES ME WANNA CRY.
- MAKES YOU WANNA CRY?
- IT MAKES ME WANNA CRY.
THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT IT THAT HAS--
- NO, IT'S SO FULL OF LIFE.
LOOK, I MEAN, IT'S LIKE PUSHING THROUGH.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
- IT REMINDS ME OF MY FORMER HUSBAND.
MAYBE IT WAS WHEN I HAD HIS WHOLE BODY WAXED.
MAYBE THAT'S WHAT IT'S MAKING ME THINK OF.
- YOU WAXED YOUR HUSBAND'S BODY? - EVERY INCH OF IT.
- I HAD NO IDEA THAT SHIRL WAS-WAS MARRIED.
I MEAN, I THOUGHT LESBIANS AVOID MEN
THE WAY A GOOD JEW AVOIDS RETAIL.
- WELL, YOU KNOW, THIS IS WHY LESBIANS
SHOULD NOT GET MARRIED, EVER.
- COMING UP, ON "JOAN AND MELISSA..."
WHICH MOVIE IS THIS?
I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT-- NOT "HARRY POTTER!"
HA-HA-HA-- HOW LONG YOU STAYING, JOHN?
- I THINK A COUPLE DAYS-- THAT'S IT.
- MOM, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? - LITTLE JOKE.
- SABRINA!
- YES?
- I GOT SOME STUFF FOR TWITTER, HONEY.
COME ON.
- WHAT YOU GOT FOR ME? - LINDSAY LOHAN-- SURPRISE!
IS IN TROUBLE, AGAIN. - MMM-HMM.
- SHE HAS CLOCKED MORE COURT TIME THAN MARTINA NAVRATILOVA,
WHO, BY THE WAY, DOUCHES IN GATORADE.
- CUTE.
- YEAH.
- GOOD MORNING.
THIS IS SABRINA.
- HI, SABRINA-- IT'S SHIRL FOR JOAN.
IS SHE AVAILABLE? - HI, SHIRL-- HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
- SHIRL?
- YEAH, GREAT-- GREAT. - SHIRL.
- HOLD ON JUST ONE SECOND, OKAY?
- OKAY-- YOU'RE A DOLL.
- WELL, THAT WAS SOME ART EXHIBIT, HUH?
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING ME.
- OH, UH, ABSOLUTELY MY PLEASURE.
I WAS THINKING-- WE HAD SUCH A GOOD TIME WITH THAT.
WE SHOULD GET INTO POTTERY.
I SIGNED UP FOR A CLASS AND-- - ARE YOU SERIOUS?
A POTTERY CLASS?
WHEN-WHEN IS IT?
- NOONTIME.
- CAN YOU HANG ON-- LET ME JUST SEE IF I CAN DO IT.
CAN YOU HANG ON ONE SECOND? - ALL RIGHT.
- CAN YOU LOOK UP TOMORROW?
WHAT AM I DOING IN THE AFTERNOON?
- WELL, I HAVE A CONFERENCE CALL WITH LARRY THOMPSON.
- WE CAN CHANGE THAT. - OKAY, I CAN DO THAT.
I CAN MOVE EXERCISE AROUND. - YEAH.
- OKAY. - OKAY-- ALL RIGHT.
UH, LI-- I'M GIVING UP, FOR YOU, SHIRL--
GIVING UP, FOR YOU, EXERCISE.
- OKAY, JOAN.
- GREAT-- BYE-BYE.
- BYE, SWEETHEART.
- NICE-- I'M GOING TO POTTERY CLASS.
HA-HA!
THAT'S FABULOUS.
- I GUESS POTTERY IS BETTER THAN POT.
- POTTERY-POTTERY ON-- - YOU DON'T GET INTO TROUBLE.
- NO, I CAN'T GET INTO TROUBLE WITH POTTERY.
- COOPER, QUIT HANGING ON THE BANNISTER!
- HEY. - HI.
- HE DID THE THING WHERE HE'S HANGING FROM THE STAIRS, AGAIN.
- HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YA?
- DID HE DO IT AT YOUR HOUSE? - HE DOES.
- IT DRIVES ME CRAZY. - I'M MAKIN' LUNCH.
- GOOD-- WHAT ARE WE HAVING? - WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I GOT TURKEY, BACON, CHEESE.
- NO, THAT'S MY FAVORITE!
I WANNA DO THIS. - YOU WANNA DO THIS?
- YEAH. - OKAY.
SERIOUSLY, HE'S NEVER THIS HELPFUL.
- IT'S CAUSE I'M HERE.
- HELLO-HELLO-HELLO.
- HELLO. - HELLO.
- OH. - WE'RE HAVING SANDWICHES.
YOU WANT ONE? - THANK YOU, THANK YOU, BUT NO.
I'M-I'M OFF TO MEET A FRIEND-- LOOK AT THIS.
- YEAH. - YEAH.
THIS IS, LIKE, VERY FAMILY.
- YEAH. - CIVILIZED.
- YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
IT'S NICE TO HAVE JOHN AROUND THE HOUSE.
AS A MOTHER, I FEEL CONFLICTED.
I MEAN, THEY WENT THROUGH A-A VERY DIFFICULT DIVORCE.
BUT, SEEING ALL OF US IN THE KITCHEN,
EATING AND LAUGHING, IT'S KINDA LIKE A FAMILY.
ALL RIGHT-- HAVE A NICE LUNCH.
OKAY? - WE WILL.
- AND I'LL BE BACK NOT TOO LATE. - HAVE A GREAT TIME.
- I'LL SPEAK TO YOU GUYS LATER. - BYE.
- BYE. - BYE.
- BYE-- HOW LONG YOU STAYING, JOHN?
- I THINK A COUPLE DAYS-- THAT'S IT.
- GREAT. - GLAD TO SEE YOU.
- GLAD TO-GLAD TO HAVE YOU HERE. - THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
MAKIN' PROGRESS.
LET'S SEE.
- MOM, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
- WHAT WAS WHAT?
- THE-- - LITTLE JOKE.
- REALLY?
FACIAL AND HAND GESTURES-- THAT'S WHAT WE'VE GOTTEN TO?
- YOU SHOULD BE GLAD THAT MY FACE STILL MOVES.
HE'S A VERY NICE MAN, MELISSA.
AND HE'S TALL!
- REALLY-- WAS THAT NECESSARY?
- WH-WHAT-- MY FINGER WAS ITCHY.
- OH, MOM.
- YOU KNOW, YOU-YOU-YOU MISCONSTRUE EVERYTHING I DO,
AND IT'S-AND IT'S VERY HURTFUL TO ME.
- OH, YEAH, THAT'S HURTFUL.
- AND IF I DID MEAN THAT, WHAT-WHAT'S SO TERRIBLE?
YOUR HUSBAND'S IN THE HOUSE. - MY EX-HUSBAND IS IN THE HOUSE.
- EX-HUS-- SLEEP WITH HIM.
- I DON'T WANNA SLEEP WITH MY EX-HUSBAND.
I'M STILL KINDA SEEING STEVEN.
- THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS KINDA SEEING SOMEBODY.
- YEAH, THERE IS.
- WHEN YOU WERE PREGNANT WITH-WITH-WITH COOPER,
YOU WEREN'T KINDA PREGNANT WITH COOPER.
- HELLO, GORGEOUS! - HI!
- HELLO-HELLO-HELLO. - HI.
- HA-HA! - I FOUND IT.
THIS IS IT-- NICE TO SEE YOU.
- I SAID CASUAL, MADAME BUTTERFLY.
LOOK AT YOU, GORGEOUS. - WELL, THIS IS CASUAL FOR ME.
- ALL RIGHT-- ALL RIGHT-- ME, TOO.
THIS IS AS CASUAL AS I GET-- I GOT, YOU KNOW,
I'M-I'M [indistinct]-- OKAY.
- YOU LOOK GREAT-- GOOD TO SEE YOU.
- I THINK WE'RE GONNA PUT SOME SMOCKS ON-- YEAH.
- ALL RIGHT. - GOOD TO SEE YOU.
- THEY ALL WEAR-- HELLO. - HI.
- OH, MY-- SO, THIS IS IT, HUH? - YEAH.
- THIS IS IT - OH, SORRY.
- OH.
- I BEG YOUR-I BEG YOUR PARDON.
- I GUESS WE'LL BE MAKING ANOTHER.
- I'M SO SORRY.
BUT, WAIT, THERE.
THERE.
- IT'S GOT A PERSONAL TOUCH, NOW.
- THERE. - THERE YOU GO.
- NOW, IT'S A POCKETBOOK. - NOW, IT'S BETTER.
- IT'S A POCKETBOOK-- IT'S GOOD. - YOU JUST NEED A HANDLE.
- POTTERY SHOULD BE FUN.
IT-IT-IT SHOULD BE EXCITING TO GET YOUR HANDS ALL DIRTY
IN THE MUD AND THE CLAY.
I FEEL LIKE HONEY BOO BOO'S MOTHER TAKING A BATH.
NOW-- OKAY.
OH, I FEEL JUST LIKE DEMI MOORE.
OKAY. - OKAY.
- OKAY-- SO, YOU'LL NOTICE YOU HAVE A BRICK AT EACH FOOT.
- YES.
- YOU'RE GONNA PRESS ON YOUR HEEL.
THERE YOU GO-- AND THEN, YOU CAN BRING IT TO A STOP.
- YOU EVER GET WHEEL RAGE?
- NOW, WE'RE GONNA TAKE OUR CLAY.
- OKAY.
- ALL RIGHT-- START YOUR WHEEL.
OKAY, SO-- - COME ON, BABY!
- THERE YOU GO-- SO, YOU SQUEEZE IT.
- OH-- WHOA-- WAIT.
ALL RIGHT-- ALL RIGHT-- DON'T LOOK.
IT'S GONNA BE FINE. - KEEP YOUR HANDS ON YOUR LAP.
AND DON'T LET THAT CLAY PUSH YOU AROUND.
PUSH THAT CLAY BACK.
- [deleted] YOU, CLAY.
- YOU'RE DOING AN AMAZING JOB, I HAVE TO SAY.
- ARE YOU KIDDING? - SERIOUSLY.
- YOU'RE DESPERATE FOR CLIENTS.
- THERE YOU GO.
NOW, START COMING-- - OH, I SEE.
I SEE.
- AND GENTLY TAKE YOUR FINGERS OFF.
AND THEN, STOP YOUR WHEEL.
AND THERE'S YOUR FIRST BOWL.
- WOW. - WOW.
NICE JOB. - MY FIRST BOWL.
- THANK YOU. - BEAUTIFUL.
- I'M GONNA NAME IT MELISSA.
I'M REALLY HAVING A GOOD TIME WITH SHIRL.
SHE'S A LOT OF FUN.
I'LL BET WE WOULD HAVE A GOOD TIME DOING THINGS
THAT NO ONE ENJOYS,
LIKE WATCHING FOREIGN FILMS OR TENNIS.
UGH.
WHY TURN YOUR HEAD?
IF THE BALL DOESN'T COME BACK,
HE OBVIOUSLY MISSED.
TOUCH.
TOUCH-- AH, GROAN-- GROAN.
[groaning]
OKAY, POTTERS, WHICH MOVIE IS THIS?
I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT-- NOT "HARRY POTTER!"
[laughing]
[groaning]
MMM.
[groaning]
[laughing]
WE'RE THE ONLY ONES THAT THINK THIS IS FUNNY.
[laughing]
COMING UP, ON "JOAN AND MELISSA..."
DON'T YOU HOPE THAT ONE DAY YOU'LL BE ABLE
TO HAVE A LONG-TERM, STABLE RELATIONSHIP?
IT'S AUTOMATIC ASSUMPTION OF GUILT.
- I THINK IT'S FABULOUS.
- AND IT'S-IT'S-- - I HATE HER.
- MUAH.
UH--
- HELLO! - HELLO.
- HI, DUDE-- WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
- I'M LOOKING AT THE HISTORY ON COOPER'S COMPUTER.
- OOH.
OH, FUN!
- IT'S NOT VERY-- - YOU'RE SPYING ON YOUR KID?
- HE KNOWS THE DRILL-- IF I EVER FIND THE HISTORY DELETED,
IT'S AUTOMATIC ASSUMPTION OF GUILT.
LOOK AT THIS. - WHAT'S HE LOOKIN' AT?
- "WORST RAP BATTLE EVER," "MINECRAFT."
- SOUNDS LIKE THE MEN I DATE.
- YEAH. - WHERE'S MAMA-LA?
- SHE IS OUT WITH A FRIEND.
- MMM?
- YEAH.
- WHAT KIND OF FRIEND-- MAN FRIEND?
- NO, SOME WOMAN THAT SHE MET AT THAT PARTY.
- A WOMAN?
- YOU KNOW, SHE NEEDS MORE FRIENDS OUT HERE.
SHE'S GOT ALL OF HER FRIENDS IN NEW YORK.
- DO CHERRIES MAKE YOU REGULAR?
- I DON'T KNOW.
ISN'T THAT PRUNES?
- YEAH, I'M JUST EATIN' A LOT OF 'EM.
I DON'T WANNA HAVE A PROBLEM.
- HELLO.
- HELLO. - LOOK WHO'S HERE.
- HI. - HI.
- HI, LADIES.
- SHIRL, THIS IS MY FRIEND, LYNNE.
- HELLO-- HI, LYNNE.
- MY DAUGHTER, MELISSA. - HI, MELISSA.
- NICE TO MEET YOU. - NICE TO MEET YOU.
- LYNNE, NICE TO MEET YOU-- MUAH.
- SO, WE WERE AT A POTTERY CLASS.
- YEAH. - POTTERY CLASS?
- YES. - OH, LYNNE, YOU'D BE GREAT.
- I LIKE ANYTHING THAT THEY DO AT A REHAB.
- YEAH.
- AND IT DOESN'T RUIN YOUR NAILS.
I MEAN, WELL, YOU CLEAN 'EM RIGHT OUT.
- THEY LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
- THEY LOOK GOOD, BUT I THINK WE COULD DO A MANICURE,
YOU AND I, TOMORROW, JOANIE, DEFINITELY.
- OKAY, OKAY. - OKAY.
- LISTEN, I'M GONNA LET YOU GO.
- I'M GONNA SEE YOU TOMORROW NIGHT FOR DINNER?
- TOMORROW NIGHT FOR DINNER. - LADIES, MUAH-MUAH.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- REALLY NICE-- LOVELY MEETING YOU.
- AGAIN, SOON. - YEAH.
- OKAY, BYE.
- SHE'S A LESBIAN?
- I DON'T KNOW. - SHE'S A LESBIAN.
I WASN'T ASKING-- I'M TELLING YOU.
SHE'S A LESBIAN. - WHAT?
YOUR GAYDAR'S GOING OFF?
- DID YOU SEE HOW YOUR MOTHER WAS WALKIN'?
I'VE NEVER SEEN YOUR MOTHER WALK LIKE THAT BEFORE.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT-- SO WHAT-- SO, SHE'S GAY.
MY MOM'S GOT A MILLION GAY FRIENDS.
- LESBIAN FRIENDS? - YES!
- AND-AND SHE-SHE CALLED HER JOANIE.
- THAT'S A LITTLE ODD.
- I-I CALLED HER-HER MAJESTY, I THINK, PROBABLY, TOO.
- COME ON.
WHAT?
- LYNNE'S ALL FREAKED OUT. - WHAT?
- THAT SHIRL'S GAY. - SHE'S GAY!
SO WHAT? - I'M NOT FREAKED OUT.
I JUST, LIKE, SHE'S CALLING YOU JOANIE.
AND, JOAN, YOU WERE WALKING A LITTLE BUTCH
WHEN YOU WERE WALK--
- I WAS WHAT?
I WASN'T WALKIN' BUTCH.
- SO, SHE'S GOT A-- SO, SHE'S GAY.
SHE SEEMED PERFECTLY NICE. - OH, YOU'RE CRAZY.
- YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR MIND.
- SHE SEEMS-- YOU KNOW, YOU-- I LOVE THAT SHE GOT YOU
TO GO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. - I THINK IT'S FABULOUS.
- AND IT'S NICE-- - I HATE HER.
- OF COURSE, YOU DO. - WHY?
- I UNDERSTAND YOU NEEDING TO HAVE A NEW FRIEND, BUT I--
LISTEN, I'M JUST SAYING I LIKE TO DO POTTERY
AND GO TO ART SHOWS-- IT'S F--
- YOU'RE WELCOME TO COME WITH US.
- YOU DO POTTERY?
- I-I'VE ACTUALLY THROWN A POT BEFORE, BUT--
- AT SOMEONE? - YEAH, AT SOMEBODY.
- WHAT IS LYNNE'S PROBLEM?
- LYNNE'S VERY JEALOUS.
SHE'S VERY POSSESSIVE OF YOU.
- BUT, THERE'S NOTHING TO BE POSSESSIVE ABOUT.
SHIRL'S A-- IS A FRIEND.
I'M NOT ROSIE O'DONNELL.
I'M NOT WEARING A TOOL BELT.
- "JOANIE, LET'S GET MANICURES TOMORROW, JOANIE,
BEFORE WE GO TO DINNER, AND I SUCK UP YOUR WHOLE LIFE."
AND THEN, I'M GONNA GET YOU DRUNK AND TOUCH YOU
IN YOUR SWIMSUIT AREA.
- YOU TWO, WHAT'S IN HERE?
[laughing]
HELLO?
- THAT'S GORGEOUS. - HEY, HOW ARE YOU?
- HELLO, SWEETHEART. - GOOD TO SEE YOU.
- HOW NICE TO SEE YOU-- STUFF LOOKS GREAT.
- THANK YOU. - YOU REMEMBER CARY.
HE DOES MY CLOTHES ON "FASHION POLICE."
- YEAH. - HEY-- NICE TO SEE YOU, AGAIN.
- HOW ARE YOU? - GOOD.
- AND SABRINA. - HEY, MARK-- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- NICE TO MEET YOU. - MARK-MARK-MARK.
- SO, WE'RE HERE. - AND WE ARE LOOKING FOR?
- UM, "FASHION POLICE."
- RIGHT-- ALWAYS.
- AND, UH, MAYBE A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR ME.
- OKAY.
- I HAVE - I HAVE, LIKE, A DINNER THING COMING UP,
AND I'D LIKE TO LOOK NICE. - OKAY.
- NOT AHHH, BUT-- - NICE-- NOT TOO CRAZY.
- OH. - THAT'S PHENOMENAL.
- I GOTTA LOSE WEIGHT.
- YEAH, THAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TOMORROW.
- I'LL TALK TO YOU ABOUT THAT OVER A COOKIE.
UGH.
- LIKE THAT. - WHO'D YOU MAKE THIS FOR?
TORI SPELLING? - IT'S TIGHT.
- TIGHT?
- THIS IS A LITTLE SKIN-- THIS IS LIKE A SIZE ZERO-TWO RUNWAY.
- SURE.
- GREAT WAY OF MAKING HER FEEL BETTER.
- YEAH.
I LOOK LIKE A LACTATING MOTHER IN THIS.
- CAN WE GET YOU GUYS ANYTHING?
- YES-- I'M BEGGING YOU. - CAN I GET SOME WATERS?
COFFEE-- ICED COFFEE?
- ICED COFFEE, I'M PLEADING WITH YOU.
- ICED COFFEE? - I WOULD LOVE ONE.
- OKAY. - OKAY-- ALL RIGHT.
- YES-- NO?
GOOD, BUT-- - I LIKE IT-- IT'S VERY PRETTY.
- I LIKE IT, TOO. - WELL, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- I'M GOING TO DINNER WITH MY NEW FRIEND, SHIRL.
- IS THIS LIKE A DATE?
- NO, IT'S NOT A DATE-- BUT, YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
IT'S NICE TO HAVE SOMEBODY CALL YOU UP AND SAY,
"LET'S GO OUT" AND "DON'T YOU LOOK NICE,"
AND, UH, SHE MAKES ME LAUGH.
- BUT, ALL YOUR GAY BOYS DO THAT, TOO.
- YEAH, ALL MY GAY BOYS DO THAT, TOO,
BUT I PICK UP THE CHECK.
- OH, GOOD POINT.
- DOES THIS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?
- NO, IT'S PRETTY. - IT'S GOOD.
- BUT, NOW THAT I KNOW THAT YOU'RE GOING OUT
WITH A LESBIAN FOR DINNER, I THINK I'D RATHER--
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO THINK OF HER AS A LESBIAN.
- I'M GONNA FEM YOU UP.
- THINK OF HER AS A-A SISTER OF SAPPHO.
[laughing]
THIS IS REALLY STARTING TO ANNOY ME.
FIRST, LYNNE.
AND NOW, SABRINA AND CARY.
COME ON-- WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
I MADE A NEW FRIEND, AND I'M HAVING FUN.
OPRAH AND GAYLE ARE FRIENDS, AND THEY HAVE FUN, AND--
BAD CHOICE.
BAD CHOICE.
AH! - LOOK AT THAT.
- NOW, THIS-- - THAT'S A PIECE.
- THIS IS WHAT I WOULD BE WEARING,
IF I WAS DATING A RUSSIAN LESBIAN.
- WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? - PLAYING MADDEN.
- LEARNING HOW TO PLAY MADDEN.
- TOUCHDOWN!
- I THINK MY REMOTE IS SLOWER THAN YOURS.
- GOOD MORNING-- GOOD MORNING-- GOOD MORNING.
- GOOD MORNING. - HELLO, SWEETHEART.
- HI. - GOOD MORNING.
- GOOD MORNING-- GOOD MORNING-- GOOD MORNING, JOHN.
- GOOD MORNING-- HOW ARE YOU DOING?
- TIP TOP.
- MUAH. - "GOOD MORNING, GRANDMA.
HOW WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU." - GOOD MORNING, GRANDMA!
HOW ARE YOU? - "YOU'VE NEVER LOOKED BETTER."
YOU KNOW HOW GREAT IT IS TO WALK INTO THE KITCHEN?
WE'RE ALL THERE TOGETHER, LIKE A REAL FAMILY.
IT FEELS GREAT.
- LOOK, I HATE TO DISAPPOINT YOU,
BUT NOTHING IS HAPPENING.
MEN AND WOMEN CAN BE FRIENDS. - AW.
- JOHN AND I CAN BE FRIENDS-- EXES CAN BE FRIENDS.
- OKAY, FINE-- EXES CAN BE FRIENDS.
I BELIEVE THAT.
I ALSO BELIEVE THAT TAYLOR SWIFT IS A ***,
AND THAT MILEY CYRUS CAN READ,
AND THAT MY THIGHS DON'T GO
[clapping] ON THE BEACH.
I BELIEVE!
OKAY.
SO, ANYHOW, LISTEN.
I-I JUST CALLED AND MADE A RESERVATION.
I THOUGHT SUNDAY-- YOU'RE STILL GONNA BE HERE.
RIGHT, JOHN?
WE CAN ALL GO TO BEL-AIR HOTEL FOR BRUNCH SPECIAL.
- SUNDAY?
- ONLY $2,000 A PLATE INSTEAD OF THE USUAL $3,500 A PLATE.
- OKAY, WAIT-- SUNDAY'S NOT GONNA WORK.
- WHY NOT?
- WELL, 'CAUSE COOPER WANTED TO HAVE A BUNCH
OF HIS FRIENDS OVER TO WATCH FOOTBALL.
WE'RE DOING, LIKE, A BIG S-- - YEAH, BUT NOT ALL DAY.
LET'S GO TO BRUNCH, AND THEN YOU CAN--
FOOTBALL STARTS MUCH LATER.
- NO, WE'RE GONNA DO, LIKE, THE WHOLE DAY
OF, LIKE, ALL THE GAMES.
JOHN'S GONNA BARBECUE, THE WHOLE THING.
- ALL DAY?
- PRETTY MUCH-- STARTS ABOUT 11.
- SO, THE WHOLE HOUSE IS GONNA BE FOOTBALL ON SUNDAY?
- YEAH, WE THOUGHT IT'D BE FUN.
EVERY ROOM T--
- FOOTBALL AND KIDS, LITTLE KIDS.
- KIDS ARE FINE. - OKAY.
- KIDS ARE FINE, 'CAUSE THEY CAN ALWAYS MAKE JEWELRY.
KIDS ARE FINE.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO ALL DAY?
- YOU CAN ROOT FOR YOUR FAVORITE TEAM.
- MY FAVORITE TEAM, MELISSA, IS DOLCE AND GABBANA.
- I DON'T THINK THEY'RE PLAYING THIS SUNDAY.
- OKAY. - OKAY.
SO, 30 DOGS, 30 BURGERS, NACHOS, CHICKEN, SODA,
WATER, CHIPS, VEGGIES, AND DIP.
- TOMATOES, ONIONS, PICKLES--
- CHEESE.
- RELISH-- - YEAH-YEAH-YEAH, ALL THE SIDES.
- MUSTARD, KETCHUP.
- OKAY.
YOU'RE HAVING A FOOTBALL PARTY.
UGH-- SO NOT FOR ME.
- YOU'RE RIGHT-- IT'S NOT FOR YOU.
IT'S FOR COOPER. - GOOD-GOOD-GOOD.
MAYBE I'LL MAKE PLANS WITH SHIRL.
- THAT IS A GREAT IDEA. - I'LL TELL YOU, RIGHT NOW.
IF I WANNA SEE GUYS IN TIGHT PANTS PLAYING GRAB ***,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'LL DO?
I WILL SPIN BY ANDERSON COOPER'S HOUSE
WITH A BOX OF WINE.
I AM LEAVING.
I'M GONNA ROB A BANK, NOW.
- OKAY.
JOHN, I FEEL LIKE WE'RE MISSING SOMETHING.
- BE CAREFUL!
- HERE, DAD, I GOT IT!
- HE IS GROWING UP.
- GROWIN' UP PRETTY QUICK.
- IT'S GONE, BUT DOESN'T IT FEEL LIKE IT'S FLOWN BY?
- IT HAS.
- BUT, KINDA DON'T YOU WISH WE HAD BEEN TOGETHER LONG ENOUGH
TO HAVE TWO?
I MEAN, HE'S SO AWESOME. - OH!
- OH, THAT WOULD'VE BEEN PAINFUL.
- WHY WOULD THAT HAVE BEEN PAINFUL?
- FOR YOU.
- I UNDERSTAND WHY MY MOM IS MAYBE HOPING
THAT JOHN AND I COULD POSSIBLY GET BACK TOGETHER.
THE TRUTH IS, THE RELATIONSHIP DID WORK
REALLY WELL FOR A LONG TIME.
I ALSO KNOW THAT IT WOULD NOT WORK NOW.
BUT, NONE OF MY RELATIONSHIPS SEEM TO BE WORKING,
AND I GOTTA START TO FIGURE OUT WHY.
I JUST HOPE THAT ALL OF OUR RELATIONSHIPS
THAT HAVE FAILED, THE TWO-- YOU AND I DON'T SCREW HIM UP.
- NO.
- WELL, IT'S GOTTA AFF-- - HE'S SOLID.
- I KNOW, BUT YOU GOTTA-- IT'S GOTTA AFFECT HIM
THAT YOU AND I HAVE NOT MANAGED TO HAVE A STABLE RELATIONSHIP,
REALLY, WITH ANYONE BUT EACH OTHER.
DON'T YOU HOPE THAT ONE DAY YOU'LL BE ABLE
TO HAVE A LONG-TERM, STABLE RELATIONSHIP?
- I DO.
- I MEAN, ARE YOU JUST-- ARE YOU READY TO HANG IT UP?
- NO, I'M READY--
- AND JUST SAY, "I'M GONNA DIE ALONE IN A HOUSE FULL OF CATS?"
- I HATE CATS. - I DO, TOO.
BUT, DON'T YOU WONDER THAT-THAT-THAT'S YOUR--
IF THAT'S YOUR FUTURE?
- NO-- I THINK--
- YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA-- - I'M TAKIN' A BREAK.
HAPPY TO BE SINGLE AND-- - YOU'RE JUST TAKING A BREAK?
YOU THINK IT'S GONNA BE THAT EASY FOR YOU?
- YEAH.
- OH! - HEY.
- HEY. - I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
- LOOK AT YOU. - MUAH.
- NICE TO SEE YOU. - HELLO.
- NICE TO SEE YOU. - I'M LIN.
- LIN. - HI.
- PLEASURE TO MEET YOU. - NICE TO MEET YOU.
- KERRIE, JOAN. - KERRIE, HELLO.
HELLO-HELLO-HELLO. - WELCOME.
- YOU HUNGRY? - UGH, NO.
- OH.
- BUT, I COULD USE A DRINK. - OKAY.
- AH. - LET'S GET THAT.
- WE CAN ARRANGE THAT. - THERE.
- WOULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING TO DRINK?
- I WOULD LIKE, UH, THE DRIEST CHARDONNAY YOU HAVE.
- I'LL BRING THAT, NOW. - THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- YES, MA'AM. - YOU'RE VERY CUTE.
- AH, THANK YOU. - ARE YOU SINGLE?
- I AM. - ALL RIGHT!
- REALLY.
- EVERYBODY SHOULD HAVE SOMEBODY.
- YES.
- HOW LONG ARE YOU TWO TOGETHER?
- TWENTY-FIVE YEARS.
- TWENTY-FIVE YEARS?
- YEAH.
AND THAT'S-- IN-IN LESBIAN YEARS, THAT'S, LIKE,
THOUSANDS OF YEARS, YOU KNOW?
- THANK YOU-- SO NOW, WHY IS SHE SINGLE?
WHY HAVEN'T YOU FIXED HER UP WITH SOMEBODY?
- YOU KNOW, WE'VE TRIED-- WE JUST-- YOU KNOW, WE JUST--
- HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN SINGLE?
- THEY'RE-THEY'RE JUST THROWING ME OVERBOARD.
- YEAH.
- I'VE BEEN SINGLE-- I HATE TO TELL YA--
- YEAH.
- OH, MY GOD, FOR EIGHT YEARS NOW.
- REALLY? - EIGHT YEARS.
- WELL, YOU'RE A PRETTY HOT TICKET.
- I CAN SAY THE HOTEL IS CLOSED.
- AW. - NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
- HOTEL IS CLOSED, AND THE KEY IS GONE.
IT'S BEEN EIGHT LONG YEARS
SINCE I LAST WAS WITH ANYBODY.
MY-MY LAST PARTNER WAS A WORLD WAR II VETERAN.
HE ONLY HAD ONE LEG-- I WOULD'VE MARRIED HIM,
EXCEPT EVERY TIME HE'D GET DOWN TO PROPOSE, HE'D TIP OVER.
SO, WHO DO YOU THINK IS ATTRACTIVE?
- WELL, ANGELINA JOLIE.
- YEAH. - I MEAN, THAT'S A GIVEN.
- YEAH. - YEAH.
- YEAH, BUT YOU COULD NEVER SLEEP WITH HER.
TOO MANY KIDS RUNNING IN AND OUT OF THE BEDROOM.
- THERE'S ALL DIFFERENT TYPES.
JOAN, YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE WOMEN.
- YEAH. - AW.
- YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT. - I'M NOT SAYING THAT.
- OH, YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT.
YEAH, YOU-- - NO, I'M NOT.
- YES, YOU ARE. - NO, I'M NOT.
- YES, YOU-- - NO, I'M NOT.
- NO, YOU ARE.
- SO, JOAN, YOU'VE REALLY NEVER KISSED A WOMAN?
- BARBRA STREISAND.
- WELL, I MEAN-- THAT'S PRETTY AMAZING.
- SHE KISSED WHO?
- I WAS IN, UH, MY FIRST OFF BROADWAY PLAY,
HER FIRST OFF BROADWAY PLAY.
SHE WAS STILL BARBRA WITH ALL THE "A"s IN IT.
AND I WAS JOAN MOLINSKY.
I HADN'T EVEN CHANGED MY NAME YET.
- WOW. - AND WE PLAYED LESBIAN LOVERS.
AND EVERY NIGHT, I CAME IN, AND BABS,
WHO IS A GREAT KISSER, BY THE WAY--
- SHE HAS GOOD LIPS. - YEAH.
- SHE HAD TO MOVE THE NOSE ASIDE, BUT IT WORKED.
IT WORKED.
- OH, DEAR.
- WHAT A GREAT EVENING TONIGHT HAS BEEN,
JUST AMAZING.
- UH, WE KEEP-WE KEEP SPOILING EACH OTHER.
IT'S-IT'S JUST-- IT'S TOO MUCH FUN, YOU KNOW?
- AND THEY'RE LOVELY LOVELY-LOVELY-LOVELY FRIENDS.
- OH, WELL, THEY ADORED MEETING YOU.
- OH, MY CAR, YEAH. - THANK YOU, MY LOVE.
- MY CAR'S HERE, BUT I'LL WAIT FOR YOURS.
- OH, YOU'RE SUCH A SWEETHEART-- THANK YOU.
- I'LL WAIT FOR YOURS-- IT'S JUST BEEN A LOT OF FUN.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. - YEAH-- YOU, TOO.
THANK YOU, MY LOVE.
- A PLEASURE-A PLEASURE- A PLEASURE.
- MUAH-- MUAH.
- UH--
- GOOD NIGHT, JOAN. - GOOD NIGHT.
- THANK YOU.
- COMING UP, ON "JOAN AND MELISSA..."
I KISSED HER.
- WHAT IS-- ARE YOU GAY?
- OOH, CAN WE TWEET IT? - ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
- HOW'D YOU TWO MEET?
- WE MET IN SAN FRANCISCO AT A FUNDRAISER.
- YES.
- AND WE WERE GETTING OUR PICTURES TAKEN.
I WAS GIVING AN AWARD-- SHE WAS GETTING AN AWARD.
AND WE SAW EACH OTHER ACROSS THE ROOM.
- AND, UH, SHE CAME IN, AND I SAID,
"I'D LIKE MY PICTURE TAKEN WITH HER."
AND, UH-- - THEN, I SAID--
- YES. - I SAID, "ISN'T THIS SOMETHING?
WE'RE GONNA HAVE THE PICTURE OF THE MOMENT WE MET
THAT WE CAN SHOW OUR KIDS IN TEN YEARS?"
- OH, MY GOD! - NO, WAIT-WAIT-WAIT.
- YEAH. - MMM-HMM.
- BACK-- HONEST TO GOD? - AND SHE DID GOOFY POSES.
SHE'S ALL LIKE BACK TO BACK, WITH THE--
- I-I'M NOT A PERSON-- WHEN-WHEN A, LIKE, A PHOTOGRAPHER--
I-I HATE THAT WHEN THEY SAY, "GIVE ME ONE OF THESE,"
AND I JUST GO, EH, RELAX. - YEAH.
- AND THEY WERE LIKE, "CAN YOU GO BACK TO BACK AND DO THIS?"
AND I WAS LIKE, "SURE." [laughing]
THEN, WE MADE OUT ON THE DANCE FLOOR IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY.
- WHAT? - NO, YOU DIDN'T.
- ARE YOU SERIOUS? - WE DID.
- AND THAT WAS IT. - YEAH.
THAT WAS IT. - YEAH.
- WE BOTH REALLY KNEW IT FAST. - KNEW IT RIGHT-- YEAH.
- WE WERE ENGAGED IN SIX MONTHS. - RIGHT.
- I LOVE THESE THINGS!
- YEAH.
- MELISSA?
OKAY.
- HELLO!
- HELLO-- I'M IN HERE.
COME ON IN-- I'M HAVING A CUP OF TEA.
YOU WANT A CUP OF TEA? - OH, YEAH, THANKS.
HOW ARE YOU-- WHERE'S MELSY-- HUH?
- SHE, AND COOPER, AND JOHN WENT SOMEWHERE, I GATHER.
YEAH, GOOD. - HOW ARE YOU, FIRST OF ALL?
- EH, NOT SO GOOD. - I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "NOT SO GOOD?"
- EH. - YOU OKAY?
- I WAS OUT WITH THAT NEW FRIEND OF MINE.
- OH, PEARL?
- SHIRL-- NOT PEARL, SHIRL.
- WHATEVER.
- SO, WE WENT OUT TO DINNER LAST NIGHT.
AND, UM, I KISSED HER.
[gasps]
YOU WANT SOME TEA?
- ON THE MOUTH-- JUST A KISS?
- YEAH, OF COURSE, ON THE MOUTH-- YES.
- BIG DEAL-- ITALIANS DO THAT ALL THE TIME.
- NO, THIS WAS NOT--
- THEY JUST KISS YOU ON THE MOUTH.
- THIS-THIS WAS NOT AN ITALIAN ON THE MOUTH KISS.
- DOES MELISSA KNOW YOU KISSED HER?
- NO-- I WAS GONNA TELL HER-- NOW, SHE DOESN'T.
- CAN I BE THERE WHEN YOU TELL HER?
- NO, YOU CAN'T BE THERE WHEN I TELL HER.
THIS IS [indistinct]. - PLEASE, JOAN, PLEASE?
THIS WILL BE LIKE A HANUKKAH GIFT, THE CHRISTMAS GIFT.
- IT'S NOT YOUTUBE. - OOH, CAN WE TWEET IT?
- ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND-- OF COURSE NOT.
- JOAN, THIS IS THE KINDA CRAP YOU TWEET.
CAN I ASK A COMPLETELY SELF-CENTERED QUESTION?
- YES.
- WHY HAVE YOU NEVER TRIED TO KISS ME?
- LYNNE?
- NO, I MEAN, IF YOU'RE GONNA KISS SOMEBODY--
- I-I'M NOT A LESBIAN.
THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T-- I-I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT KISSING YOU.
- I'M JUST TRYING-- 'CAUSE I'M BEING REJECTED A LOT LATELY.
I'M JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY.
WHAT ABOUT ME REPELS PEOPLE PHYSICALLY?
- MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE THAT PIECE OF CHOCOLATE.
- THEN, YOU'RE CALLING ME FAT?
- I'M NOT CALLING YOU FAT.
I'M JUST SAYING-- - I'M NOT FAT IN NEW YORK.
- UH, THIS IS NOT NEW YORK.
- I AM THE RIGHT SIZE IN NEW YORK.
- EVEN IN NEW YORK, YOU'RE CHUNKY.
- I-I KNOW WHEN I'M CHUNKY,
'CAUSE THE MEXICAN MEN START HITTING ON ME.
I'M A LITTLE OVERWEIGHT, 'CAUSE THE BLACK MEN ARE BACK.
BUT, WHEN THE MEXICANS START HITTING ON ME,
THAT'S WHEN I'M-I'M W-WELL OVER.
- I'LL MAKE A DEAL WITH YOU.
YOU LOSE TEN POUNDS,
I WILL KISS YOU-- OKAY?
- SO, IT IS BECAUSE I'VE-I'VE GAINED WEIGHT!
- I'M NOT SAYING THAT.
I'M JUST SAYING, "GET OFF THAT CHAIR SLOWLY AND EVENLY."
- YOU'RE NOT ATTRACTED TO ME.
NICE!
- OKAY, NICE.
OKAY, SHOULD WE START TO UNLOAD IN THE KITCHEN?
- YEAH. - OKAY.
- OKIE-DOKE. - WHERE-WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
- WE WERE OUT GETTING ALL SORTS OF STUFF FOR THE PARTY.
- LISTEN, I GOTTA TALK TO YOU.
I-- - WHAT?
- I'M-- I-I-I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I, UM-- - IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
- IT'S WHAT HAPPENED, UH, WITH SHIRL.
I WENT OUT TO DINNER WITH HER LAST NIGHT
AND SOME-SOME FRIENDS. - YEAH.
- AND, UH, AT THE END, I DON'T KNOW IF IT WAS THE WINE.
I DON'T KNOW IF IT WAS THE CONVERSATION.
ANYHOW, UH, I KISSED HER AND--
- WHOA. - I KNOW.
I KNOW. - WAIT-WAIT-WAIT-WAIT.
- DON'T.
YES. - YOU KISSED SHIRL?
- YES, YES.
I DON'T KNOW IF IT WAS THE MOMENT.
I LIKE HER VERY MUCH.
IT'S BEEN EIGHT YEARS SINCE I'VE BEEN WITH ANYBODY.
I DON'T KNOW-- I DON'T KNOW.
IT-IT'S LIKE THE KATY PERRY SONG.
"I KISSED A GIRL," AND I DON'T KNOW IF I LIKED IT
OR I DIDN'T LIKE IT.
UH, I WOKE UP THIS MORNING WITH AN INCREDIBLE URGE
TO PLAY GOLF.
- WHAT IS-- ARE YOU GAY? - AM I GAY?
MELISSA, I'M 78 YEARS OLD.
I WOULDN'T EVEN BE COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET AT MY AGE.
I'D BE COMING OUT OF THE COFFIN.
IT WAS THE MOMENT.
IT WAS SEEING FRIENDS THAT ARE HAPPY.
IT'S, UH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS.
IT WAS TWO GLASSES OF VERY GOOD CHARDONNAY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT-- - YOU ARE A CHEAP DATE.
- I AM A CHEAP-- I'M A CHEAP LAY.
- YOU REALLY ARE.
- SO, I WANT YOU NOW TO CALL UP AND TO SAY,
"JOAN THINKS YOU'RE A VERY NICE WOMAN,
BUT SHE NEVER WANTS TO SEE YOU AGAIN," IN A NICE WAY.
- OKAY, MOM.
NO-- NO.
- I'M TOO EMBARRASSED - TOO EMBARRASSED.
- OKAY, BUT, MOM, SHE IS A NICE ENOUGH WOMAN.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
SHE DESERVES THE PHONE CALL FROM YOU.
- WHY DON'T WE-WHY DON'T WE EMAIL HER?
- NEVER IN MY LIFE DID I THINK
I WOULD BE GIVING YOU ADVICE
ON HOW TO BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE, LET ALONE A WOMAN.
- I KNOW.
LIFE IS-IS FULL OF SURPRISES.
I'LL TELL YOU THE TRUTH.
I NEVER THOUGHT THAT MY DAUGHTER
WOULD BE MARRYING A *** KING.
- I'M NOT MARRYING STEVEN.
WE'RE STILL KINDA SEEING EACH OTHER, BUT THAT'S IT.
- DON'T BREAK UP WITH HIM, MELISSA.
HE'S GOT A DOOR THAT OPENS INTO A WHOLE OTHER WORLD FOR US.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALK-- - ***.
ONE DAY, WE MAY WANNA DO *** FILMS.
- REALLY? - YOU DON'T KNOW.
MOTHER ON MOTHER. - UGH!
- MOTHER ON DAUGHTER.
- UGH! - NANA ON NANA.
- OH.
- INSTEAD OF GOING "OH" FOR AN ***, YOU GO "OY."
- BECAUSE THIS HAPPENED, YOU'RE GONNA
TOTALLY JUST WRITE SOMEONE OFF?
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
- WELL, I DON'T WANNA SEE HER ANYMORE, AFTER I KISSED HER.
- WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TRY AND HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH HER?
- NO, I WANT YOU TO HAVE A CONVERSATION.
- I'M NOT HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH HER-- I'M NOT.
- COME ON, MELISSA! - MOM, I'M NOT MAKING THE CALL.
LOOK, YOU ALWAYS HAVE TOLD ME, IN RAISING ME,
"DO THE RIGHT THING."
I KNOW YOU KNOW WHAT THE RIGHT THING IS.
I MEAN, WE DO SO MUCH FOR EACH OTHER,
BUT THIS ONE, YOU GOTTA DO ON YOUR OWN.
MOM?
MOM?
OH, MY GOD!
YOU'RE AS BAD AS COOPER.
WOULD YOU JUST GO AND DO THE RIGHT THING?
- COMING UP, ON "JOAN AND MELISSA..."
I'M A LESBIAN, AND I LOVE YOU.
- JOAN, UH, I'M SO GLAD THAT YOU SAID THIS TO ME.
- OH, HERE, SIT DOWN.
OH, WELL--
[sighs]
WOULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING?
THEY HAVE GREAT SCONES.
- NO, I'M GOOD. - ICED COFFEE?
- I'M GOOD-- I'M GOOD. - OKAY-- OKAY.
- I'M GOOD.
- UM, I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START.
UH, YOU KNOW LIKE YOU--
YOU KNOW HOW YOU GO DOWN SOUTH,
AND YOU'RE DOWN THERE FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS,
AND YOU START TO SPEAK IN A SOUTHERN ACCENT?
YOU KNOW, AND IT WAS, UM, LESBIAN THIS, LESBIAN THAT,
AND THE GIRLS LAST NIGHT, WHICH WERE SO NICE,
LOVELY-LOVELY LADIES.
UM, NOT THAT IT WAS A MISTAKE.
AND YOU'RE LOVELY, AND YOU'RE TERRIFIC.
AND, UH, IT'S JUST NOT-- JUST NOT MY BAG.
I MEAN, UH, AND I LOVE YOU.
I MEAN, IF YOU HAD A ***, HEY, THAT'S IT.
MELISSA, MEET DADDY.
BUT, UH, I'M JUST REALLY DON'T THINK I'M A LESBIAN.
- JOAN, UH, I'M SO GLAD THAT YOU SAID THIS TO ME,
BECAUSE I ADORE YOU,
BUT-BUT I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CHEMISTRY FOR YOU THAT WAY.
AND I, YOU KNOW, AS-AS LOVELY AS YOU ARE,
UH, THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN.
I'M JUST SURPRISED YOU WENT THERE.
- WELL, HA-HA-HA.
SO MUCH FOR LETTING HER DOWN EASILY, HUH?
I HAVEN'T FELT THIS BAD ABOUT MYSELF
SINCE MELISSA MCCARTHY TOLD ME
I HAD TO LOSE A COUPLE OF POUNDS.
I'M REALLY DELIGHTED YOU FEEL THIS WAY.
BUT, UH, NEVER?
EVEN IF I WAS THE LAST WOMAN?
- EVEN IF YOU WERE THE LAST WOMAN, YEAH.
YEAH. - ALL RIGHT.
JUST SUPPOSE WE WERE IN A PLANE CRASH.
JUST SUPPOSE THERE'S NOBODY ANYWHERE AROUND.
TWO YEARS-TWO YEARS--
STILL NEVER?
NEVER?
- IN A MILLION YEARS, JOAN, IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN.
CAN WE STILL BE FRIENDS?
- OF COURSE, WE'RE GONNA BE FRIENDS.
I JUST LIKE YOU SO MUCH-- I JUST THINK YOU'RE GREAT.
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME COFFEE? - I'D LOVE SOME.
- OH, NO-NO-NO-- YOU'RE A LESBIAN-- TEA.
- OH-OH-OH, YEAH. - I KNOW YOU GIRLS.
MISS!
- YEAH!
- FUMBLE-- FUMBLE!
- SIT DOWN, BOY! - YEAH!
- YES.
- OKAY, BUT, GUYS, WE'RE NOT GONNA HIT
EACH OTHER IN THE HEAD!
- YEAH!
- DON'T!
- I DON'T KNOW HOW JERRY SANDUSKY DID IT.
- I'M SO THIRSTY. - HE'S HOLDING IT.
- YOU KNOW, EVEN THOUGH I DON'T LIKE FOOTBALL,
IT IS SO GREAT SEEING COOPER HAVING SUCH A WONDERFUL TIME
WITH HIS FRIENDS.
- ISN'T IT FUN WATCHING THEM ALL TOGETHER?
- THE BEST.
I HAVE JUST ONE LITTLE REQUEST.
- WHAT?
- GET 'EM THE [deleted] OUT OF YOUR HOUSE, MELISSA.
ARE YOU CRAZY-- YOU'VE GOT ANTIQUES IN THERE.
- YEAH! - TACKLE!
- LET'S GO! - WHOO!
- LET'S DO THIS! - TACKLE!
TACKLE! - NO TACKLE!
- ROUGHING! - NO TACKLE!
- YEAH, ROUGHING! - NO TACKLE!
[indistinct] - WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
- NO TACKLE! - YOU THINK WE CAN STOP 'EM?
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
- GUYS, SERIOUSLY, NO TACKLE!
AND DON'T STEP ON THE DOG! - WATCH THE DOGS!
YOU'RE NOT MICHAEL VICK!
- EXCUSE ME. - EH.
- GO AHEAD-- HIT THE GRILL.
LOOK, I KNOW YOU WERE HOPING THAT MAYBE SOMETHING
WOULD REKINDLE BETWEEN ME AND JOHN.
BUT, THE TRUTH IS, WE'RE REALLY HAPPY WITH WHERE WE ARE.
THE PAST IS THE PAST.
AND, RIGHT NOW, OUR FOCUS IS JUST BOTH BEING
THE BEST PARENTS WE CAN BE TO COOPER.
- I JUST WORRY ABOUT YOU, MELISSA.
I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU SETTLED.
I-I-I WOULD'VE EVEN BEEN HAPPY IF YOU'D MARRIED STEVEN.
- YOU KNOW WHAT, MOM?
I'M NOT GONNA DISCUSS MY LOVE LIFE WITH YOU.
- OH, MELISSA, TIME GOES SO FAST FOR A WOMAN.
I MEAN, ONE DAY, YOU'RE WONDERFUL,
AND YOU'RE IN YOUR PRIME.
AND THE NEXT DAY, YOU WAKE UP, AND PFFT.
YOUR ***'S ON THE FLOOR.
THAT'S WHY, LATELY, I'VE BEEN WEARING MINE
AROUND MY NECK AS A COLLAR,
JUST SO AT LEAST I KNOW WHERE IT IS.
- HERE-- HERE!
GO-- GO! - THAT SMELLS SO GOOD.
YOU THINK, NOW THAT I KNOW I'M NOT A LESBIAN,
I COULD GET A HOT DOG?
- YEAH.
- I'D LOVE A HOT DOG. - OH!
- AH! - GUYS, COME ON.
- ALL RIGHT-- YOU WANT THIS BACK?
[indistinct]
- YOU'RE DEFINITELY NOT A LESBIAN.
- NEXT TIME, ON "JOAN AND MELISSA..."
- MY MOTHER HAS DECIDED TO NOW DO AN INTERNET TALK SHOW
OUT OF MY HOUSE.
- IF IT'S IN YOUR CONTRACT
THAT YOU CAN'T DO ANY OTHER SHOWS--
***.
- SHE IS OUT OF HER [deleted] MIND.
- WE HAVE OUR FIRST GUEST BOOKED-- WANNA KNOW WHO IT IS?
- WHO DO WE-- YES.
NO [deleted] WAY.
- TELL ME ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
- I DON'T KNOW IF I'M CAPABLE OF BELIEVING
THAT I'LL EVER FEEL SECURE.
- ARE THEY SLEEPING TOGETHER?
- OH, MY GOD-- OH, MY GOD-- OH, MY GOD!