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♪ COME, LITE DREAM, AND PLAY ♪
♪ DON'T BE AFRAID ♪
♪ DON'T FADE AWAY ♪
♪ QUICK, LITTLE DREAM, BEFORE YOU'RE GONE ♪
♪ LET'S GET IT ON ♪♪
AAH!
I SAW THAT. OHH.
WELL, THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE.
EITHER I'M AN ARTIST T SOME EN
.
.
CHEWING GUM HELPS ME THINK.
SWEETIE, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR GUM.
LET'S TAKE IT FROM THE BRIDGE.
NO MORE TALKING FROM ANYONE.
OU.
SIT DOWN.
IT'S IMPORTANT.
♪ ...AND I THE DREAMER ♪
♪ EACH NIGHT ANEW ♪
♪ TELL ME, MY DREAM ♪
♪ ARE YOU A DREAMER, TOO? ♪
CAN YOU COME UPSTAIRS WITH ME?
I'VE GOT TO DO THIS. PLEASE, NOT RIGHT NOW.
♪ OOH ♪
ARMAND! DID YOU SEE WHAT HE DID?
HELLO, VALLIE.
WHAT DID
HE CAN'T DO THAT
CELSIUS, THIS MAY BE A DRAG SHOW,
SHOW.
IF POSSIBLE, A GREAT DRAG SHOW.
JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE 22 AND HUNG--
LET ME DO THIS.
FINE. YOU'RE THE DIRECTOR.
THIS IS A COMPLEX NUMBER FULL OF MYTHIC THEMES.
YOU ARE HER FANTASY,
AND SUDDENLY YOU, THE FANTASY, SEE HER, YOUR INVENTOR,
AND SHE BECOMES YOUR FANTASY.
I DON'T THINK I GET IT.
TRY MORE GUM.
ALBERT.
THANK YOU.
[ARMAND] CELSIUS, YOU HAVE TO EXPLORE IT.
LET'S START WITH THE PREMISE
THAT WHEN YOU SEE THIS STUNNING, SMOLDERING CREATURE,
SHE TRANSCENDS YOUR DESIRE TO CHEW.
SHE ELECTRIFIES YOU.
SOMETHING STARTS IN YOUR PELVIS
AND WORKS ITS WAY TOWARDS YOUR HEART,
WHERE IT BECOMES HEART/PELVIS.
POP.
COMING.
WHAT DO I DO? JUST STAND THERE LIKE AN OBJECT?
NO. YOU DO AN ECLECTIC CELEBRATION OF A DANCE.
YOU DO FOSSE, FOSSE, FOSSE!
YOU DO MARTHA GRAHAM, MARTHA GRAHAM, MARTHA GRAHAM!
OR TWYLA, TWYLA, TWYLA!
OR MICHAEL KIDD, MICHAEL KIDD, MICHAEL KIDD!
OR MADONNA, MADONNA, MADONNA!
BUT YOU KEEP IT ALL INSIDE.
ALL RIGHT, JUST WORK ON THAT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
IT'S LOOKING WONDERFUL, THOUGH.
WELL?
BARBARA IS COMING WITH HER PARENTS TOMORROW.
THAT'S PLENTY OF TIME.
IS THAT WHAT YOU INTERRUPTED ME FOR?
NO. KEEP GOING. THERE'S A LOT MORE.
WINE?
NO. LET'S HEAR IT.
I'VE GOT TO GET BACK DOWN THERE TO REHEARSAL.
DAD, BARBARA'S FATHER IS A SENATOR.
HE'S A CONSERVATIVE SENATOR,
AND HE'S RUNNING FOR RE-ELECTION,
AND SHE TOLD HIM...
WELL, SHE TOLD HIM
THAT YOU WERE THE CULTURAL ATTACHE TO GREECE
AND ALBERT WAS A HOUSEWIFE.
WHAT?
SHE HAD TO.
HE'S A FOUNDER OF THE COALITION FOR MORAL ORDER.
I DON'T CARE WHO HE IS.
I DON'T WANT TO BE SOMEBODY ELSE.
DO YOU WANT ME TO BE SOMEONE ELSE?
NO, OF COURSE NOT.
NEITHER DOES SHE, BUT HE, UM...
DAD, HE'S KEVIN KEELEY.
WHO'S KEVIN KEELEY?
DO YOU EVER READ THE NEWSPAPERS?
OF COURSE. VARIETY, THE ARTS AND LEISURE SECTION OF THE NEW YORK TIMES.
ARE YOU MARRYING SOME NAZI?
NO. HE'S CONSERVATIVE, YOU KNOW,
LIKE HALF OF AMERICA IS CONSERVATIVE...
AND I'M NOT MARRYING HIM. I'M MARRYING HER.
I NEED YOUR HELP.
NOT FOR THIS.
YOU'VE DONE IT BEFORE.
LIED ABOUT WHO I AM? NEVER!
AT EDISON PARK-- REMEMBER WHAT YOU TOLD ME?
NO.
IF MISS DONOVAN ASKS ME WHAT MY FATHER DOES,
I SHOULD SAY HE'S A BUSINESSMAN.
WELL, YOU WERE A BABY.
MISS DONOVAN WAS AN IDIOT.
I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO GET HURT.
IT'S DIFFERENT NOW. YOU'RE A MAN.
I CAN STILL GET HURT.
DAD, IT WOULD MEAN EVERYTHING TO ME IF YOU WOULD HELP US.
IT'S JUST FOR ONE NIGHT.
THIS IS INSANE.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
CLOSE THE CLUB AND PRETEND TO BE SOME CULTURAL ATTACHE?
WHATEVER THE HELL THAT IS.
WHAT DO I DO WITH ALBERT?
I MEAN, HOW DO YOU MAKE ALBERT INTO A HOUSEWIFE?
YOU'D HAVE TO SEND ALBERT AWAY FOR A FEW DAYS.
YOU TRY SENDING ALBERT AWAY.
WE'LL NEVER GET HIM PAST THE KEELEYS.
WE'VE GOT TO GET RID OF A FEW THINGS AROUND HERE.
WHAT? WHAT THINGS?
WELL, THAT, FOR EXAMPLE.
NEPTUNE? THAT'S A CLASSIC.
AND THIS.
THE KIRBY? THAT'S ART.
WELL, HOW ABOUT THAT?
THAT BETTER?
DAD.
WHAT?
LOOK, IT'S NOT JUST ONE OR TWO THINGS.
I MEAN, IT'S EVERYTHING, O.K.?
WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO TONE THIS DOWN,
JUST MAKE IT MOREIKE OTHER PEOPLE'S HOMES.
SO WE NEED A TOTAL REDECORATION,
SO WE COULD BE MORE LIKE OTHER PEOPLE.
AND YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TRY TO...
YOU KNOW, SORT OF...
CHANGE YOUR MANNERISMS A LITTLE.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
JUST BE A LITTLE BIT LESS OBVIOUS.
I'M OBVIOUS?
POP...
I JUST HAD THE WALL SPONGE PAINTED, VAL.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
I THINK YOU SHOULD COME DOWNSTAIRS.
KE AWAY.
I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN.
YES, I WEAR FOUNDATION.
YES, I LIVE WITH A MAN.
YES, I'M A MIDDLE-AGED ***.
BUT I KNOW WHO I AM, VAL.
IT TOOK ME 20 YEARS TO GET HERE,
AND I'M NOT GOING TO LET SOME IDIOT SENATOR DESTROY THAT.
*** THE SENATOR. I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT HE THINKS.
[DOOR CLOSES]
STILL OUTSIDE THE HOME OF SENATOR KEVIN KEELEY,
THE CO-FOUNDER OF THE COALITION FOR MORAL ORDER...
[WOMAN] ...WAITING FOR SENATOR JACKSON'S CLOSE FRIEND AND COLLEAGUE
IF T
E.
ALONG WITH SENATOR ELI JACKSON...
WHERE YOU DRIVING HIM?
LORIDA.
NOW, FOLKS, THERE HAVE BEEN
AND HERE'S ANOTHER ONE!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
[ANNOUNCER] JOIN JAY ON THE TONIGHT SHOW
WITH HIS GUESTS YASIR ARAFAT AND KATE MOSS--
THIS IS UNBEARABLE.
OHH!
KEVIN, N
I'M JUST GOING DOWN THE LADDER.
I CAN'T FACE THE PRESS TONIGHT.
TELL THE CHAUFFEUR TO PICK ME UP OUTSIDE THE ORCHARD.
I DON'T WANT TO GO OUT THERE ALONE.
YOU WON'T BE ALONE. BARBARA WILL BE WITH YOU.
IT'S NOT YOU THEY'RE AFTER.
OHH, DADDY!
SHUSH!
I'M JUST GOING DOWN THE BACK WAY.
WE DECIDED YOU WERE GOING TO ANNOUNCE BARBARA'S WEDDING.
WELL, NOT BEFORE WE MEET THEM!
WHAT IF THEY CHANGE THEIR MIND?
LET GO OF MY COAT. I'LL MEET YOU IN THE CAR.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS.
[SLIPS ON LADDER]
YES, IT IS!
SENATOR KEELEY!
SENATOR KEELEY, DO YOU THINK THIS WILL COST YOU VOTES?
WHAT'S THE F OF THE COALI
[REPORTERS SHOUTING QUESTIONS]
WHAT ABOUT THE RUMORS SENATOR JACKSON WAS ON LITHIUM?
GENTLEMEN...AND LADIES,
I AM, AS ARE ALL MY COLLEAGUES,
REPUBLICAN AND DEMOCRAT,
UH, LIBERAL AND CONSERVATIVE ALIKE,
STUNNED AND SADDENED BY THE CIRCUMSTANCES
SURROUNDING THE DEATH OF SENATOR JACKSON...
UH, AS WELL AS THE DEATH ITSELF.
UH...MY FAMILY AND I ARE LEAVING TOWN
FOR A FEW DAYS,
UH, FOR REASONS THAT I CANNOT...UH...
TO, UM...
TO PLAN AN EVENT...
AN EVENT WHICH I, UH...
I CANNOT, UH...
WHICH MAY PERHAPS HEAL SOME OF THE BAD, UH...
THINGS THAT, UH,
SENATOR JACKSON'S DEMISE HAS MADE US...
ALL...FEEL.
WHERE ARE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY GOING, SENATOR KEELEY?
WHERE? TO OUR FARM.
AND THAT'S ALL I'M GOING TO SAY AT THIS TIME.
DID YOU KNOW THE GIRL, SENATOR?
[REPORTERS SHOUTING QUESTIONS]
[PIANO PLAYING]
[ARMAND] AGADOR!
IT.
WHAT DID I DO?
WE'RE REDOING THE APARTMENT FOR TOMORROW NIGHT.
*** IT.
OH, THIS IS FOR THE IN-LAWS, RIGHT?
RIGHT.
WE'VE GOT TO GET RID OF EVERYTHING THAT'S OVER THE TOP.
AY-YI-YI. THAT'S A LOT.
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GET YOURSELF A UNIFORM
AND DRESS LIKE A BUTLER.
I'M GOING TO LOOK LIKE A ***.
YOU'LL LOOK LIKE A *** IN A UNIFORM.
DIO, DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL.
YOU'LL START FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.
I'LL GET ALBERT OUT OF THE HOUSE EARLY.
I'LL SAY, "ALBERT, YOU GOT TO GO AWAY FOR A FEW DAYS."
IT'S GOING TO BE HARD.
SO MUCH TO DO NOW.
POP.
THANK YOU.
.
DON'T TALK TO ME FOR A WHILE.
OH, KEVIN, PLEASE. LET'S CHARTER A PLANE.
NO. CAN'T GET OUT OF THE CAR.
THE SECOND WE GET OUT, WE'LL BE SPOTTED.
OH, HOW I LOVE THE SUN.
YEs, IT'S GLORIOUS, ISN'T IT?
MMM.
YOU KNOó YOU CO]LD ]SE SOME MORE SUN.
TAKE A COUPLE DAYS OFF. YOU LOOK TIRED.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
NOTHING.
[SHOUTiNG]
CASEFUln
[AGADOR] DON'T KILL YOURSELF WITH THESE THINGS.
WHO PUT PLAYBO IN THE BATHROOM?
LEAV IT'S
LOOK, DON'T ADD. JUST SUBTRACT.
tHANK y.
THIS PLACE HAS GOT TO LOOK RESPECTABLE BY 6:00.
THAé'S TOO SHORT.
I WANT THAT NICE ARMANI BREAK IN THE FRONT.
DON'T JUST PULL IT. DO IT DOWN THERE.
I GOT HIGH WATERS HERE.
THAT'S IT.
MEANT SOMETHING.
NO, I DIDN'í> I k]sé MeAOT yOu LOOKeD TIReD.
TIRED MEANS oLD.
"YOU LOOK TISED" MEANS YOu LOOK OLD>
COl.
LET'S GO WINDOó-SHOPPING.
NO, THANK YOU. I WANT TO GO HOME NOW.
THAT'S NONSENSE.
I'LL BuY YOU ANYéHING YOU WANT.
WELL, I'LL HAVE TO CHANGE MY SHOES.
I'LL BUY YOU PAIR.
ARMAND!
WHAT'S GOING ON? WHY CAN'T WE GO HOME?
NOTHING./. NOTHING. OHH.
THEN I'LL SEE YOU UPSTAIRS.
AAH!
I--I HURT MY THING.
YOUR WHAT?
MY ANKLE.
YES, IT'S--
OH, GOD, I DON'T THINK I CAN MAKG IT UPSTAIRS/
I'LL BsIOG @SOME ICE DOóN.
@
MY ASM!
I HATE IT WHEN YOU GET HYSéERICAL.
DON'T LEAíE ME!
TAKE IT EASY WITH THIS.
WHAT IS
I GOT IT FROM THE ANTIQUE STOR ACROSS T
TOO BUTCH?
DON't ADd.
PUT THE MOOSE ON THE PATIO.
PUT THE MOOSE ON THE PATIO.
YOU. LEAN ON ME.
I NEED A DOCTOR.
IT MSN'T EVEO SWOLLEn/
MAYBE wG [HOULD GO TO AN EMERGENCY sOOM/
I CAN GET AN X-RAY.
YOU'rE OwGSREAcéING. DON't BE SUCH A BABY.
KUST SI-
AAAAAHHHH!
WE'íE BEeN ROBBGD!
ALBIE, NO. T TAKEN A FEW THINGS OUT/
THEY'LL ALL BE IN PLACE BY THE TIME YOU GET BACK.
BACK?
WHERE AM I GOIOG?
yOU DIDN'T TELL HIM.
WHAT? TELL ME WHAT?
wAL's FIANCEE IS COMING TONIGHt WITH HER PARENTS...
AND wE éHOUGHT..?
wE éHOuGHT IT WOULD CE BETTER IF YOU WGSEN'T HErE.
I SEE.
I SEE.
Ié'S JUSt FOS TONIGHT.
PEO.
MY DARLING/
Ié'/
BUT IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
I'M LEAVING.
Ié'S JUST ONE NIGHT, ALBERT.
tHE MONSTEr...
THe.
IS LEAVING.
YOU'sE SAFE.
@
ALBERT!
WILL YOU LISTEN?
GO AWAY. I HATE YOU.
I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
MY HEART IS BREAKING.
PLEASE, DON'T CRY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT. YOU CAN STAY.
I DON'T WANT TO STAY WHERE I'M NOT WANTED,
WHERE I CAN BE THROWN OUT ON A WHIM WITHOUT LEGAL RIGHTS.
I'VE GOT THE PALIMONY PAPERS.
YOU'RE LYING AGAIN.
THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR ME,
TOO MUCH UGLINESS, TOO MUCH PAIN.
AM I ALL RIGHT?
OH, MY GOODNESS. IT'S VERY FAST.
OHH.
@
wAIéeR< wATER!
sIGHT AWAY/
ié'ç éhE GND/ I KNOW IT iS.
KUST BREATHG.
THE USUAL.
RIGHT AWAY, SENOR GOLDmAN.
THERE YOU GO/
OHH, THANK YOU/
@
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
THIS Is nOT CECAUSE OF YOU.
IT'S BECAUSE THE GIRL'S PARENtS ARE.
ABO.
HE?
YEAH.
OH, yOU'RE SO SWEET.
OHH. THAT WATER'S SO COOL.
MAyBE IT IS TOO M]cH tO INéRODUCE ME AS HIS MOThER
ON THE FIRST VISIé.
COuLD yOu TELL THEM I WAS A RELATIvE WHO DROPPED IN?
VAL'S UNCLE! UNCLE AL!
■HAT'S THE POINT?
YOU'D BE VAL'S GAY UNCLE AL.
I COULD PLAY IT STRAIGHT.
AT E HOLDING yOUR GLAsS.
YOUR POSTURE.
WHAT? WHAT ABOUT YOU?
YOU'RE NOT A CULTURAL WHATEVER-IT-IS.
YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO A MUSEUM. YOU EAT LIKE A PIG.
THESE PEOPLE ARE RIGHT-WING CONSERVATIVES.
THEY DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE A PIG.
THEY JUST CARE IF YOU'RE A ***.
OH, *** 'EM.
OF COURSE YOU CAN PASS AS AN UNCLE.
YOU'RE A GREAT PERFORMER.
I'M A GREAT DIRECTOR.
TOGETHER WE CAN DO ANYTHING.
OH, ARMAND, REALLY?
ABSOLUTELY.
WE'VE GOT FIVE HOURS.
ALL RIGHT, FIRST, GET YOUR PINKIE DOWN.
IT'S UP AGAIN.
ALL RIGHT, YOUR POSTURE.
OHH! MY GOD, ARE YOU CRAZY?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
[ALBERT] AAH! AAH!
I'M TEACHING YOU TO ACT LIKE A MAN.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
NOW THIS IS A DINNER PARTY.
LET'S WORK WITH FOOD.
SPREAD SOME MUSTARD ON THE TOAST.
DON'T USE THE SPOON AND DON'T DRIBBLE LITTLE DOTS OF MUSTARD.
NO?
NO. YOU TAKE YOUR KNIFE...
AND YOU SMEAR.
MEN SMEAR.
[TOUGH VOICE] SMEAR.
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
GET THE *** PINKIE DOWN.
MAKE YOUR FINGERS LIKE IRON, ALL RIGHT?
STOP TSEMBLING.
HOLD THE KNIFE BOLDLY.
OHH-OH! NO! I PIERCED THE TOAST!
SO óHAT?
@
PENS.
YOU HAVE TO REACT LIKE A MAN--CALMLY.
YOU HAVE TO SAY TO YOURSELF,
"ALBERT, YOU PIERCED THE TOAST. SO WHAT?"
IT'S NOT THE END OF YOUR LIFE.
[DEEP VOICE] ALBERT, YOU PIERCED THE TOAST. SO WHAT?
[NORMAL VOICE] YOU'RE RIGHT.
THERE'S NO NEED TO GET HYSTERICAL.
ALL I HAVE TO REMEMBER IS I CAN ALWAYS GET MORE TOAST.
THAT'S THE SPIRIT. LET'S TRY WALKING.
HOLDING THE SANDWICH?
IT DOESN'T MATTER. JUST WALK.
DOWN.
[ExÑ
TOO SWISHY?
LET ME GIVE YOU AN IMAGE.
IT'S A CLICHE, BUT IT'S AN IMAGE--
JOHN WAYNE.
OH, GOD. COULDN'T WE START WITH SOMEONE EASIER?
YOU'RE A BIG FAN.
HE'S GOT A VERY DISTINCTIVE WALK,
AND IF ANYONE WAS A MAN... NOW TRY IT.
[IMITATING WAYNE] JUST GET OFF YOUR HORSE
AND HEAD INTO THE SALOON.
NICE TOUCH.
HOWDY, MA'AM/
NO GOOD?
ACTUALLY, IT'S PERFECT.
I JUST NEVER REALIZED JOHN WAYNE WALKED LIKE THAT.
HANG ON.
[HORNS HONKING]
THIS GUY'S A *** MANIAC.
YEAH.
WONDER WHAT'S IN SOUTH BEACH.
ARMAND GOLDMAN.
YOU OLD SO-AND-SO.
HOW ABOUT THOSE DOLPHINS?
SCREAMING QUEEN?
STICK YOUR HAND OUT SIDEWAYS, NOT PALM DOWN.
I'M GOING TO SHAKE IT, NOT KISS IT.
TIGHTEN YOUR WRIST.
RAIGHTEN IT, THEN TIGHTEN IT.
THERE. AL, YOU OLD SO-AND-SO.
I JUST SAID THAT.
WELL, NOW I'M SAYING IT.
ALL RIGHT. STRAIGHTEN, TIGHTEN.
AL, YOU OLD SON OF A ***.
HOW YOU DOING?
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT CALL TODAY?
THE DOLPHINS ON THEIR 30-YARD LINE
WITH 34 SECONDS TO GO.
HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?
BETRAYED, BEWILDERED.
WRONG RESPONSE?
I'M NOT SURE.
TAKE IT FROM THE TOP.
THIS IS VERY EXCITING.
YEAH, IT IS, FELLA.
RIGHT ON.
DAMN STRAIGHT.
DAMN STRAIGHT!
***' "A"!
***' "A"!
AAH!
COME ON, LITTLE BUDDY. SWING THAT BY ME AGAIN.
TAKE IT EASY.
HEY, YOU TAKE IT EASY, PILGRIM.
HE BUMPED INTO ME.
TOUGH GAZUNGAS.
WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A PRICK?
WHY ARE YOU SUCH AN ASSH
ARE YOU CALLING ME AN ***?
ACTUALLY, I'M TALKING TO THE *** BEHIND YOU.
AW, SEE, THE SWELLING'S ALREADY GONE DOWN.
IT'S NOTHING.
YOU WERE MAGNIFICENT, MARVELOUS,
VERY MASCULINE.
REALLY?
THAT BIG GORILLA LOOKED SO RIDICULOUS WHEN HE SAT ON YOU
AND BANGED YOUR HEAD ON THE GROUND.
THANK YOU, VALLIE. YOU'RE A DEAR.
THERE. I'LL GET YOU SOME MORE ICE.
BE RIGHT BACK, LOVE.
[SINGING]
UM, DAD.
A STRAIGHT MAID FOS TONIGHT?
THERE ARE NO STRAIGHT MAIDS IN SOUTH BEACH.
I HAVE SOME MOSE BAD OEWS FOR YOU.
I TOLD ALBERT HE COULD STAY.
YOU DID WHAT?
WHY?
WHY? BECAUSE HE TOLD ME HIS HEART WAS BREAKING
AND HE'S MY FRIEND AND COMPANION.
WHO WILL WE SAY HE IS?
YOUR UNCLE.
MY UNCLE.
O.K., LET'S JUST FORGET THE WHOLE THING.
OH, DON'T BE SO NEGATIVE.
YOU'RE ONLY 20 YEARS OLD. HAVE HOPE.
ABOUT WHAT?
ONCE THEY SEE YOU AND ALBERT TOGETHER...
OH, MY GOD.
I WAS FEELING SO GOOD AND NOW...
OH, GOD, WHAT A MESS.
WHAT WE REALLY NEED IS A WOMAN.
WE CAN GET AWAY WITH ALBERT AS AN UNCLE
IF WE HAD A WOMAN AS A MOTHER.
IRONIC, ISN'T IT? WHEN YOU NEED A WOMAN.
WHY DON'T I JUST ASK YOUR MOTHER?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
MY MOTHER WOULDN'T DO IT. WOULD SHE?
SHE HASN'T SEEN ME IN 20 YEARS.
30 YEARS AGO SHE WAS A YOUNG GIRL,
SCARED, BROKE... BUT NOW...
[ALBERT] YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS/
IT'S VERY UNFAIR OF YOU TO TALK VAL INTO THIS, ARMAND.
HE HAS EVERY REASON--
YOU THINK SHE'D DO IT?
MY MOTHER.
OHH.
OH, MY GOD. ARMAND!
I DON'T CELIEVE IT. IT'S BEEN A HUODRED YEARS.
WHERE ARE yOU?
I'M ON éHE ZOAD nOw.
IN .
@
ME, TOO. E-BYE.
SHE'S GOING TO SEE ME.
wHY DON'T I DROP YOU OFF AT A CAFE
AND I'LL BE BACK IN 15 MINUTES?
I'LL COME UP WITH YOU.
I'M SURE THESE'S A WAITING ROOM.
[MUSIC PLAYING, AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR LEADING CLASS]
HELLO. KATHARINE ARCHER, PLEASE.
IT'S ARMAND GOLDMAN.
GO RIGHT IN.
THANK YOU.
WHAT? I'M--
JUST SIT.
EXCUSE US.
ARMY GOLDMAN.
KATIE ARCHER. OR IS IT MRS. SOMETHING?
NO.
I'M BETWEEN HUSBANDS. SIT DOWN.
MY GOD, I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT YOU SO MANY TIMES,
EVERY TIME I SAW AN AD FOR THE BIRDCAGE.
ARE YOU STILL WITH ALBERT?
YES, YES. wE'RE STILL TOGETHER.
AND YOU...
YOU'VE DONE WELL.
BECAUSE OF YOU.
THE MONEY YOU GAVE ME STAR
R IT.
I GOT VA IT'S A F
IS .
HOW IS HE?
HE'S FINE.
WANTS TO GET MARRIED.
MARRIED? HOW OLD IS HE?
20.
MM-HMM.
MY GOD, 20 YEARS.
TODAY, FOR THE FIRST TIME, HE REALLY NEEDS YOU.
[INTERCOM BEEPS]
[KATHARINE]
CANCEL MY APPOINTMENTS FOS TONIGHT.
I NORMALLY DRINK VEGETABLE JUICE DURING BUSINESS HOURS,
BUT FOR THIS...
LET'S DRINK TO SENATOR KEELEY'S DAUGHéER
AND...OUR VAL.
I'M AFRAID I HAVEN'T DONE MUCH FOR HIM
IN THE LAST 20 YEARS.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT. REALLY.
I'M NOT EXACTLY MATERNAL.
[POW]
OH! BUT I AM.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT. I'M VESY MATERNAL,
AND ALBERT'S PRACtICALLY A BREAST.
[RA]
WHEN óE FISST ME
OH, VERY WELL.
♪ LOVE IS IN THE AIR ♪
♪ DIFFERENT KINDS ♪
♪ QUITE CLEARLY, PEOPLE EVERYWHERE û♪
♪ OUT OF THEIR MINDS ♪
♪ ACT QUEERLY ♪
HA!
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
[TOGETHER] ♪ WIVES ARE AT THEIR HUSBANDS' SERíICE ♪
♪û VIRGINS ARE DISéINCéLY NERVOUS û
NO, NO.
♪ VIRGINS ARE DISTINCTLY NERVOUS ♪
♪ LOVE IS GOING AROUND ♪♪
[IMITATES CYMBAL CRASH]
AYE.
HOW HANDSOME YOU WERE.
HOW UNAVAILABLE
SSING ME.
FIED.
G TO HAVE
, ,
HAT
I KN
♪û ROUND AoD ACOUT û
û THIS MORNING, CACHELORS, BEWARE ♪
û♪ MAIDENS, WATCH OUT ♪
û FAIR wARNiNG ♪û
çTOGETHER] ♪û IF yOU START GLE ♪
♪
♪ STAY... ♪
♪ DON'T TAKE A BREATH ♪
û♪ YOU COULD CATCH YOUR DEATH ♪
♪û 'CAUSE LOwE IS AROUND ♪♪
HA HA HA!
Sorry.
YOU'RE IN INCREDIBLE SAPE,
AND YOU STILL CAN DANCE.
SO CAN YOU, ARMAND. SO CAN YOU.
THANK YOU. THAT'S SO COOL.
WHERE DID ALL THIS HAIR COME FROM, HMM?
WASN'T YOUR CHEST SMOOTH?
OH, I SHAVED IT FOR THE SHOW.
I WANTED TO LOOK SO YOUNG.
OH, SO MUCH NICER THIS WAY.
SO MUCH MORE MASCULINE.
SO MUCH HAIR.
COME ON, LET ME TOUCH IT.
OOH! WHAT A BEAUtIF]L CHAIN.
LOOK HOW IT GLITTERS
IN THAT THICK, BLACK NEST OF HAIR.
COME ON, UNBUTTON YOUR SHIRT.
PLEASE BE CAREFUL. THAé'S SILK.
I'MO TOUCH YOUR CHEST,
HAI.
[DoOS OPENS]
@
I COÑLDN'T [TOP.
ALBERT.
OH...
OH!
çHORN BLASTS]
AAH!
[STARTS ENGINE]
OH!
[POUNDING]
IS ALBERT HERE?
NO.
GREAT.
THEN HE'S DRIVING BACK FROM MIAMI
AT 20 MILES AN HOUR WITH THE PARKING BRAKE ON.
I HAD TO TAKE THE *** BUS.
ARE WE CRUCIFYING SOMEONE TONIGHT?
DO YOU LIKE IT?
I TRADED THAT STUPID MOOSE HEAD FOR IT.
AND LOOK. THEY THREW IN BOOKS.
IT ALL GOES BACK TOMORROW.
DAD, DID YOU SEE MY MOTHER? IS SHE COMING?
yES, SHE'S COMING.
oL< gOd!
AH,?
IT AlL óORKED O]T.
I'MO gET.
AGADOR, WILL YOU?
IT'N THE.
OH, HOW I WOULD HAWE LOVED
TO HAVE SEEN YOUR CHILDSEN.
SHOULDO'T yOU cG HOLDING THE CRUCIFIX?
IT IS THE PROP FOR MARTYRS.
HUH. OH, YES. ANOTHER JICG?
ANOTHErE AT My e.
YOU WERE PROBABLY LAUGHING AT ME wITH OATHARINE, tOO.
WELL, WHY NOT?
I'M NOT OEw,
AND EíERYOOE LAUGHS At ME/
I'M QUITE AWARE OF HOW RIDICULOUS I AM?
I'WE BEEN TG tHAé éHE ONLY sOLU÷ION
IS TO GO WHERE NOBODY IS RIDICULOUS,
WHERE EVERYONE IS EQUAL.
GOOD-BYE, ARMAND.
[AGADOR] WAIT, MISS ALBERT. DON'T FORGET THIS.
LISTEN, I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO.
OH.
MY POOR DEVOTED AGADOR.
I'M LEAVING YOU MY STErEO--
NO.
MY RED BOOTS--
I DON'T WANT IT.
AND MY WIGS.
WHICH WIGS?
MY BEST WIGS.
I WON'T NEED THEM WHERE I'M GOING.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL BITE.
TO LOS COPA.
LOS COPA?
THERE ISN'T ANYTHING PA
BUT A CEMETERY.
HA. I KNOW.
THAT'S WHY I'M PACKING LIGHT.
AH, iDIO!
OH, I SEE.
YOU'RE GOING TO THE CEMETERY WITH YOUR TOOTHBRUSH.
HOW EGYPTIAN.
GOOD-BYE, ARMAND.
[AGADOR] MISS ALBERT, WAIT. DON'T!
[AGADOR] NO.
***!
IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'LL BE BETTER WITHOUT AN UNCLE.
WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM HE GO TO A CEMETERY?
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!
WHY?
BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO START COOKING DINNER, O.K.?
UCKING ALBERT.
CAN YOU...
YOU CAN COOK, RIGHT?
[SHIP'S HORN BLOWS].
MY CEMETERY IS IN KEY BISCAYNE.
IN THE WORLD--
LOVELY TREES, SKY IS BLUE,
aND.
@
WHAT A PAIN IN THE *** YOU ARE.