Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
JUDGE: 'Norman Stanley Fletcher 'You have pleaded guilty to the charges brought and it is now my duty to pass sentence 'You are a habitual criminal who accepts arrest as an occuptional hazard, 'and presumably accepts imprisonment in the same, casual manner.
'We therefore commit you to the maximum term allowed.
You will go to prison for 5 years.
' # There's just one place for me, Near you.
# And forever I'll be Near you.
# Times when we're apart I can't face my heart # Naff off, Fletch.
# Say you'll never stray More than just one bunk away.
# Naff off.
I beg your pardon? You heard.
Prison's coarsened you, you know.
Well, it's hardly finishing school.
You did have some vestiges of old world courtesy namely, respect for your elders and betters.
You taught me the value of peace and quiet.
Meaning? Do not disturb.
Suit yourself.
Not another word.
Not another word shall pass my lips.
My lips are sealed forthwith.
Forthwith, my lips are sealed.
My lips are sealed with forth.
Fletcher? Eh? You weren't going to say nothing.
Schtumm, right? With a capital Scht.
Lennie? Oh, naffin' heck! Come on.
What have I got in my hand? I don't care, Fletch.
Go away.
Now, come on.
It's a good one, this.
Come on.
What is it? Okay.
A cockroach.
No.
I give up.
You got two more guesses.
All right, a walnut! Where would I get a bleeding walnut from? A giraffe with a hair-lip wearing purple Y fronts.
You've been peeping, ain't you? I thought that was good.
I'll do it again.
Fletcher, naff off! I've got an exam to pass, and I've got to study.
Study, then.
Just study somewhere else.
Where? Education Room? There's a lecture on in there - on industrial safety.
It's been cancelled.
Has it? Yeah.
The Accident Prevention Officer is in Carlisle General - fell off his bike.
I wish YOU were! Listen, there's TWO men to a cell here! Very unsettling for a social misfit to have someone trying to better himself.
I could go out of here with another O Level.
Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Town Crier's in, then.
What's going on here? Heated argument? Raised voices? Mother Superior! You watch your lip, Fletcher.
My lips are sealed, sir.
Forthwith.
If only that were true.
What's the problem? Godber? I'm trying to study.
You encourage education, re-habilitation That won't cut much ice with an aging recidivist like Fletcher.
An aging what? A recidivist - a person who pays his penance for a crime then performs another one.
You mean a professional! No! A habitual criminal.
If you had stuck in like the lad here I never really got as far as exams - School Certificate it was.
I can imagine.
Always playing truant.
Oh, yes? It was the war, the war! Out looking for shrapnel, learning about sex in air-raid shelters.
I ended up in a special school for truants.
Never learned nothing.
Why not? Nobody turned up.
See me! See me! I do, I do.
I had to leave school at 14.
Hard times they were in the Lanarkshire coal fields.
My father was an unemployed miner, and there were 8 children.
He wasn't always unemployed.
Did I hear you correctly? No, sir.
Not one of our family neglected education.
Even under the most difficult circumstances.
I've had to pass exams, you know.
"Aspects of the Reformation".
What's the subject you're studying, Godber? History.
O Level.
I already got one O Level in geography.
You stick in.
And I'm warning you, Fletcher, do nothing to hinder this lad.
Otherwise, get out! I'm entitled.
You're entitled to obey the sound of my voice.
When's the exam, son? Two day's time.
Right! You make yourself scarce, Fletcher.
Is that clear? I'll go out for the evening if you like! Leave the keys.
I'll let meself in.
Quiet enough for you? Thank you.
You will not know I'm here.
'Evening.
Ssshhhh.
What's up? Naffin' heck.
Not my fault.
It's impossible.
What? It's a seat of learning.
Prof Godber's studying for his NBG.
He's always at that lark, is Len.
Oh, I give up! A bit of orange? I know knowledge.
You can't even read, you twit.
Maybe not.
But I get it from the telly.
From University Challenge, and Sale of the Century.
I learn things and digest them with my memory.
Want to hear? No.
If every Chinaman jumped up and down it would cause a tidal wave that would engulf America.
Really? Straight up.
Or is it Australia? That could be a secret weapon.
The Chinese could hold that over President Carter's head.
One jump and whoosh! World domination.
Would they? They might.
If anyone could, they could.
Cos they're very regimented.
Do everything by numbers.
Look at the menu in a Chinese restaurant.
It could never happen in Britain.
It could! No.
The British working man wouldn't jump up and down.
Spill his tea! Still, it IS knowledge.
Yes.
Where did you acquire it? Somebody saw it in a magazine in the chiropodist's waiting-room.
Oh, dear.
Toothache, was it? No, I was there with me feet.
Oh, yes.
I've always had these feet.
It's good.
They're very quick.
Do 'em while you wait? Or do you have to leave them there? Get them soled and heeled, like? Ger off! You're pulling me leg, Fletch.
No! Your foot might come off.
I've got some more knowledge - about planets.
Planets! Len I've chucked the towel in.
Right.
Has anyone got a football? No.
We haven't.
Never mind.
Fletch, can I borrow a satsuma? And I've got me ping-pong ball.
What's all this about? I'll show you! I want that back unbruised, right? Right.
This Jerry is the Sun.
'Course, it should be round.
Wouldn't be any good if it was round.
Why not? You'd keep falling off! Let him get on with it.
Here, it's all in the Sun tomorrow! Get on with it! Right.
Pretend the Jerry's a football, but it's really the Sun.
This ping-pong ball is the planet Mercury.
I see.
It's nearest the Sun.
Oh, right.
I'll go sit in the shade, then.
There we are Now Onetwothreefour.
Excuse me, you're sitting on the Earth.
Oh, dear.
Any on my trousers? No, this is the planet Earth, and it goes here.
I see, yes.
Now You've missed out Venus.
You what? Venus comes between Mercury and Earth.
Yeah.
That's right.
We need summat smaller than a satsuma.
Your brain! Got a prune? NoI did have some prunes, but they went all wrinkled so I chucked them out.
Why not skip Venus? Yeah.
SoSun, Mercury, skip Venus, Earth.
Now, how far is the nearest star, on this scale, from this cell, where we are now? Lennie? Is this one of these trick questions, Warren? No.
Cos if it is, I'll stuff you! No, honest.
Sun, Mercury, Earth.
Yeah? On this scale? On this scale.
Where would the nearest star be? Yeah, that's right.
WellI reckonit would be the recreation yard.
Wrong! Fletch? Recreation yard?! It's a long way.
Well, in that case, I would say the married quarters.
No.
You're wrong an' all.
Not by much, I bet.
Johannesburg.
Never in a thousand years.
Johannesburg! The nearest star would be in Johannesburg.
Or is it Australia? You two will drive me round the twist.
It's learning, ain't it? The sun's a chamber pot which is really a football! And if 600 million Chinese jump in unison, America will drown! What have I said? Finished with the sun, have you? It's the exam, is it? Strain? Yeah.
Won't open no doors either.
History.
He happens to be studying history, yeah.
But you know him He's been through every naffing course here like a dose of salts.
He jacked in Elementary Spanish.
Yeah.
After 4 weeks he only knew the words for bread and donkey.
That won't get you far in Spain.
Unless you want to live on donkey sandwiches.
You undermine his confidence.
Oh, it's my fault, is it? Yes! You distract him.
Hold on! If he DOES pass this exam, it will be due in no small part to yours truly.
How? How? I've kept him up half the night lecturing him on World War II.
Is that his subject, World War II? It's all the same.
All history, innit? But a thing like this exam means a lot to young Lennie.
If he sets a lot of store by it, and then failswell, you know Might turn him a bit sour, you mean? Shatter his confidence, like.
Might just go to back to thieving.
Well, then You and I, and the lads, must unite in the rehabilitation of Godber.
If we can.
Oh, yeah.
We'll go through the questions with him - make sure he passes.
So he can live with honesty and integrity.
How can we go through the questions with him? Only one way.
You and me have got to steal the exam papers.
Mr Spraggon.
Thisermanuscript of yours.
Oh, you like it? I always felt I hadyou know, a literary bent, like.
Yes, wellit'svery interesting.
It'sbrutal, but it's interesting.
Could mean a lot to me.
I might be famous like my cousin Ernie.
Your cousin Ernie was notorious.
Still famous, though, wasn't he? Made the Top Ten.
Most wanted men! Couldn't go into a Post Office without seeing a photo of our Ernie.
Wellyou see, Spraggon, I think that writing might be your escape.
But I really DO think we ought to start with some grammatical essentials.
Now, on page one, in this first paragraph - there's a "k" in knuckleduster, as there is also in kneecaps.
"Kneecaps"? The ones you smash with a cricket bat on page two.
I know me grammar and me spellin' leaves a lot to be desired, but I didn't want to upset me flow of self-conscious.
You see, I write with me gut.
Yes, I noticed that.
Wait a minute.
What have you got there? BallsMr Mackay.
Why the different sizes? That's life, sir.
What are you grinning at, Sowerby? Get your hair cut! You too, Jones.
Excuse us.
Oh, hello, Spraggs.
Not disturbing you? No.
Good.
Cos we're glad you've laid down the sword and picked up the pen.
As, indeed, are the many battered nightwatchmen.
What is it, Fletcher? Like to see the Education Officer.
He's in class.
I'm lending a hand with one of his more bruter, basic pupils.
Could you settle an argument? Won't it wait? Spraggs can wait.
He's been waiting 4 years for parole.
Well, we were discussing, as one does, you know, the wonders of the Universe.
What? Anyway, Warren had this theory that we're disputing.
Theory? What theory? Let me show you.
This football represents the Sun, right? It hasn't got handles like the Jerry, but it's round.
Don't confuse the man.
Now, the Sun.
That goes there.
This represents the planet Mercury, the ping-pong ball.
And it goes THERE.
We'll skip the Venus, cos we haven't got a prune.
Tennis ball represents Earth.
It doesn't bruise like a satsuma.
And also, you can't bounce a satsuma.
McLaren, would you show us where this ball goes in relationship.
Lovely sense of rhythm, coloured people.
Not enough room, Fletch.
Maybe out there? Could we step into the corridor? Galaxy won't fit into the room.
If you adjust your proportions Got to be on this scale! Excuse me.
I'd better humour them.
It's all right, man.
Hey, Spraggs.
Where do they keep the keys? What keys? To filing cabinet.
Hey, hey, hey.
They're my tutors.
They may be screws, but they're OK.
Before I met them, I didn't know an apostrophe from a semi-colon.
Old Barrow trusts me.
You're expecting me to betray that trust?! Well, naff off! There's an ounce of snout in it for you.
In that drawer.
If a thing is worth doing, it's worth doing well.
No use spoiling the ship for a ha'p'worth of tar.
There we are now.
Jupiter and Saturn.
I know Alpha Centauri is the nearest star, but I don't think on that scale, it's as far away as Johannesburg.
If you work it out, you know where we are.
We're in most evenings.
Cheers.
Just a minute! Could I have my apples Mmm? Aw, well, never mind.
Thanks for your valuable time, Mr Barrowclough.
Much appreciated.
Do you know, I do believe they enacted that elaborate charade just to steal my apples.
Still hard at it, are we? Trying, yes.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull beanstalk.
Do us a favour, Fletch.
Already have done, son.
Half-an-hour! I thought you'd be worried, little flower, if I didn't return from Granny's by nightfall.
Where have you been? Down the Education Room.
We thought we'd enrol on a course.
Yes.
What? Trigonometry.
What's that? Thick as two short planks, him! Well, tell him.
What? What trigonometry is.
Well, if you don't know now! It's about time someone told him.
Don't adopt that sarky tone with me, Godber.
Look, Fletch.
I owe you a lot.
But I want to pass this exam so I don't end up like you.
Just a minute.
That's an insult, innit? Ungrateful.
If he only knew.
Knew what? Fletch cares.
Leave him be.
Cares about what? You, that's what.
One day No.
Tell him, Fletch.
What you did at great personal risk.
I'm beginning to wonder why we took such terrible risks.
Terrible risks? All I ask is half a chance to pass this exam.
Precisely! Make sure you do.
How? Helping you select appropriate answers.
Well, it would be useful to have the appropriate questions.
You've GOT 'em.
What's this? Tomorrow's exam paper.
We've got to put it back.
The exam paper? Ye-e-s.
No.
What do you mean, "No"? I want to pass this exam honestly.
You can only afford honesty once you've made it, mate.
This might help.
Look, I've cheated all my life.
That's why I'm here.
Now I'd like to do something straight.
No-one's gonna know.
I will! I ain't cheating.
Now, listen, Len.
LookI mean Cheating's not a crime! No, it's just getting away with it! I mean, everybody cheats.
Len, you know when you play draughts with Fletch, and he says one fell, and when you bend down he re-arranges the board.
THAT's cheating! Yes.
So you admit it! Look, the name of the game is getting away with it, right? It's what you get CAUGHT doing! You won't get caught.
And you're away, home and dry.
No.
Now, listen, Godber.
You know Kojak, right? You think he's a great actor.
You know why he's always opening his filing cabinets? Looking at his cuffs? He's reading his lines.
And that's cheating.
Yeah.
But who gives a monkey's? Nobody! Cheating's just another word for conning, getting your own way.
If it was a crime, the whole bleeding country would be in here.
It WOULD be a crime - if you turn down this golden opportunity.
We took a big risk.
I appreciate what you done, and if you want me thanks, thanks! But I'll do it my way.
Well, you're not honest.
You're dumb! And you're gonna fail! Look, you can't cheat yourself.
It's like cheating at patience.
Fletcher does that, an' all.
Come on, Warren.
Come on.
Let's leave him to it.
You're at the crossroads, Godber.
You'd better make yourself a few breaks.
You could go for a job and be pipped by some nurk who's never passed an exam.
But he speaks with the right accent and plays cricketand he ain't never been in no nick! Well, Lennie should be out of the exam soon.
Wonder how he got on.
Don't let him know we know.
No, no.
Slade Prison's got a terrible academic record.
Oh, I don't know.
Bloke got his O Level Spanish last year - what was his nameGomez? Here he is.
How'd it go? All right.
Not as bad as I thought it would be.
Good, eh? Spelling was a bit weak, but factual content - that's what counts.
Oh, that's what counts.
So all the dates were all right? Well, I'm quietly confident.
Oh, say no more! Pass or fail, I've got the satisfaction of knowing I did it on me own.
You what? My own efforts.
YOUR own efforts? Would you like to re-phrase that? Bearing in mind some of us know more than you think we know.
I did it on me own, with no help from anyone.
Listen, Godber.
There's a lot of crimes in this world, but there's one thing I can't abide - and that is hypocrisy.
That goes for me an' all.
So? So cut out the holier-than-thou attitude.
Warren saw you looking at them papers.
Oh, yeah.
I clocked 'em.
It didn't make any difference.
How can you say that? Who actually lifted them? Me.
Next time, get somebody who can read.
He nicked the biology papers.