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FOR THE GIANTS OF THE GRIDIRON,
SUNDAY IS NO TIME FOR COMEDY.
THEY BELIEVE THAT PRO FOOTBALL
IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER.
NFL FILMS BELIEVES OTHERWISE.
HUT-1, HUT-2.
RICHARD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT THEY'RE DOING IS ADDING SOUR NOTES
TO A SPORT THAT'S USUALLY PLAYED
WITH CLASSICAL PRECISION.
THEY'RE ALSO PROVING THAT FOOTBALL,
A GAME OF BLOOD AND THUNDER,
IS ALSO A GAME
OF THUD AND BLUNDER.
FOR 20 YEARS, NFL FILMS HAS PRESENTED
THE HUMAN DRAMA OF FOOTBALL.
IT'S ALSO CAPTURED THE HUMAN FOLLY.
IT'S A DIRTY JOB,
BUT SOMEBODY HAS TO DO IT.
NFL FILMS HAS PRODUCED FIVE SCREEN CLASSICS
THAT HAVE HIGHLIGHTED THE LOWLIGHTS
OF PRO FOOTBALL.
S
FROM THOSE FIVE FABULOUS FOLLIES FILMS,
PLUS SOME BRAND-NEW BLOOPERS
FROM OUR FANTASTIC FILE OF FOUL-UPS.
IT'S ALL IN ONE EXPLOSIVE PACKAGE.
[BOOM!]
IT'S ALL IN BEST OF THE FOOTBALL FOLLIES.
HELLO, I'M STEVE SABOL.
IN THE NFL FILMS LIBRARY IS THE HISTORY OF PRO FOOTBALL.
THESE CANS CONTAIN THE RAW MATERIAL
.
WE'VE HELPED CREATE THE MYTH OF A GREAT SPORT.
WE'VE ALSO BEEN CONCERNED WITH THE MIRTH,
SO WE'VE DEPICTED PRO FOOTBALL
NOT ONLY WITH PLENTY OF UMPH,
BUT PLENTY OF "OOPS!"
OUR FOOTBALL FOUL-UPS APPEARED ON THE TONIGHT SHOW
IN THE LATE 1960s.
THE ENTHUSIASTIC RESPONSE LED US TO PRODUCE
THE FIRST SPORTS FILM EVER
ENTIRELY DEVOTED TO BLOOPERS AND BLUNDERS,
THE FABULOUS FOOTBALL FUNNIES.
THAT FILM AND THE FOUR SUBSEQUENT FOLLIES FILMS
ARE AMONG OUR MOST POPULAR.
FOR THE NEXT HOUR,
YOU'LL SEE MEMORABLE SEQUENCES AND SHOTS
FROM OUR FOLLIES SERIES, PLUS SOME FRESH MATERIAL.
WE THINK YOU'LL AGREE
THAT JUST AS THE GREATEST PLAYS ALWAYS SEND CHILLS UP THE SPINE,
THE GREATEST GOOFS ALWAYS TICKLE THE FUNNY BONE.
GRRRR!
ARRGGHHH...
AROOOO!
SOMETHING EVIL IS LURKING OUT THERE,
SOMETHING TO MAKE YOU FEEL
THE COLD BREATH OF HORROR ON YOUR NECK
AND CHILL YOUR SPINE.
IT'S STALKING THE STADIUMS,
SEEKING OUT VICTIMS TO SATISFY
ITS UNQUENCHABLE THIRST FOR BLOOD.
HEAVEN HELP THOSE WHO GAZE AT
THE THING THAT REIGNED HELL ON OPENING DAY.
AAAAHH!
ON OPENING DAY, YOU'LL EXPERIENCE CREEPING TERROR
WHEN A DEPRAVED, MALIGNANT FORCE
TAKES POSSESSION OF SUNDAY'S HEROES
AND TRANSFORMS THEM INTO PREDATORY FIENDS.
WHO WEAR S.
AT FIRST, THE OFFICIALS ARE TAUNTED.
THE REFS TRY TO FIGHT BACK.
BUT THESE BEASTS CRAVE HUMAN FLESH.
YOU SCREAMED ON HALLOWEEN.
YOU SHRIEKED ON FRIDAY THE 13th.
NOW PREPARE TO GAG ON OPENING DAY.
AAH!
SCENES IN THIS MOVIE
MAY BE TOO INTENSE FOR YOUNG PEOPLE.
DEEP IN THE VALLEYS
OF THE SEETHING OLD SOUTHWEST, WHERE DANGER DWELLS,
AN UNFORGETTABLE WESTERN ADVENTURE IS BORN.
FIRST THERE WAS THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN.
NOW THERE IS THE MEDIOCRE ELEVEN,
A SPRAWLING SAGA OF ITCHY TRIGGER FINGERS,
HOT LEAD,
AND A COOL, SILENT SHOOTIST CALLED BUTCH.
[***]
[*** ***]
[PING]
RELIVE THE DAYS WHEN PERIL LOOMED OVER EVERY HORIZON.
SEE SAVAGES AND SETTLERS IN THE LIFE-AND-DEATH STRUGGLE
THAT HELPED BRING CIVILIZATION TO THE WILD AND WOOLY FRONTIER.
[*** ***]
[POOF PING]
[***]
JOIN THE STAMPEDE
TO SEE THE WESTERN EPIC THAT LEAVES OTHERS IN THE DUST.
NFL FILMS CHALLENGES YOU TO SOLVE THE MYSTERY
THAT BAFFLED SCOTLAND YARD.
THE STOMACH-CHURNING SUSPENSE BEGINS WITH A PHONE CALL.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
IS THAT OUR PHONE?
[RING]
HELLO. DANNY?
IKE A LARGE PIZZA
WITH EVERYTHING ON IT BUT ANCHOVIES.
YOU GOT THAT? NO ANCHOVIES.
DIAL M FOR MORON
PUTS YOU ON THE LOOKOUT
FOR THE CRIME WAVE
THAT BLOWS THE LID OFF THE NFL.
HOLD ON TO YOUR HATS AS HELMETS DISAPPEAR.
GRAB ON TO YOUR SOCKS AS CLEATS VANISH.
NOT EVEN JERSEYS ARE SAFE IN THIS SEARING DRAMA
OF A HALF-NAKED CITY PARALYZED BY FEAR.
AND WHEN THE PIGSKIN STARTS POPPING LOOSE,
SO WILL YOUR EYES.
WHODUNIT?
YOU WON'T KNOW UNTIL THE FINAL FADE-OUT.
THEATER OWNERS HAVE BEEN ASKED NOT TO ADMIT ANYONE
MINUTES.
IT'S THE FILM THAT TAKES YOU
BEHIND TODAY'S HOTTEST HEADLINES.
SEE HOW UNDERCOVER INFORMANTS PROVIDE POLICE WITH THE TIPS
THAT LEAD TO THE BIGGEST DRAGNET IN FBI HISTORY.
SO WHEN THE PHONE RINGS...
[RING]
GET READY FOR A HEART-POUNDING MOTION PICTURE EXPERIENCE.
[SOUND OF TELEPHONE DIALING]
NFL FILMS PROUDLY PRESENTS THE PICTURE WITH HAPPY FEET.
IT'S A SINGING, DANCING, MUSICAL EXTRAVANZA.
IT'S TOP HELMET,
THE TAP-FILLED, TUNE-FILLED TREAT
THAT WILL HAVE YOU LEAVING THE THEATER
HUMMING SONGS LIKE THESE...
♪ I GOT A FEELIN' ♪
♪ BUFFALO IS GOIN' TO THE SUPER BOWL ♪
♪ THIS IS NOT THE LAST TIME ♪
♪ BUTUFFALO IS GOIN' TO THE SUPER BOWL ♪♪
♪ THE STEELERS ARE SO GREAT ♪
♪♪ AND THEY PLAY THE BEST OF ALL ♪
♪ TODAY THEY ARE PICKED FOR THE SUPER BOWL ♪♪
AT LONG LAST,
HERE COMES A HIGH-STEPPING SPECTACLE
TO BRING THE SOUND OF MUSIC
BACK INTO YOUR LIFE.
ISN'T IT TIME YOU FELT GOOD AGAIN?
ISN'T IT TIME FOR TOP HELMET?
JOE NAMATH'S IMAGE WENT FAR BEYOND
THE BOUNDARIES OF A FOOTBALL FIELD.
ALTHOUGH HE'S NOT AMONG THE TOP 20 NFL QUARTERBACKS,
HIS PLACE IN NFL HISTORY IS SECURE.
IN 1968, HE PLAYED THE LEADING ROLE
IN A FAIRY-TALE SEASON.
ONCE UPON A TIME,
A MAGIC BEAN HAD A MAGIC SPELL.
FAME AND GLORY WOULD BEFALL
WHOMEVER COULD THROW IT STRAIGHT
AND
ALL ACROSS THE LAND,
WISE MEN PLOTTED AND PLANNED
TO SEE IF THEY WOULD BE THE MAN
WHO COULD HOLD THIS BEAN IN HAND.
BUT ALAS, IT WAS SUCH A DIFFICULT TASK
THAT NO SOLUTION COULD BE FOUND.
SO THEY DASHED IT AND SMASHED IT
IN ANGER ON THE GROUND.
NOW, FAR, FAR AWAY,
IN A KINGDOM ON THE COAST,
A LITTLE PRINCE MADE A MIGHTY BOAST.
"I'LL THROW THAT BEAN," HE SAID.
"STRAIGHT I'LL MAKE IT GO.
THERE'S NO DOUBT ABOUT IT,"
SAID THE BOY NAMED BROADWAY JOE.
NOW, TO MAKE THIS STORY SHORT,
I'LL HAVE TO REPORT BROADWAY JOE WAS RIGHT.
IN HIS ARM, A MAGIC CHARM CONTROLLED THE BEAN'S FLIGHT.
BROADWAY JOE TRAVELED FAR AND WIDE
AND THREW THE BEAN SO WELL
THAT EVERYONE GATHERED ROUND TO SAY HE WAS SWELL.
LOVELY MAIDENS ATTENDED TO HIS WANTS.
A GUARD OF HONOR FOLLOWED HIM
TO ALL HIS USUAL HAUNTS.
THEN, FROM OUT OF THE GROUND,
CAME A SOUND THAT SHOOK THE ENTIRE SHORE.
IT CAME FROM SOME MEN WHO SAID,
"JOE IS SIMPLY A BORE."
FROM THEIR FEARSOME FACES SMOKE DID SPEW.
THEIR HEADS WERE AS HARD AS AN OLD HORSESHOE.
THEY WERE ROUGH AND TOUGH AND WORKED IN THE SUN.
THEY WERE CRANKY AND CRUEL
AND SPOILED OTHER PEOPLE'S FUN.
BUT JOE'S DAYS WERE FILLED WITH SMILES AND ZEST.
HE TURNED TO THESE VILLIANS AND SAID WITH A JEST,
"IF I HAPPEN TO MEET YOU GUYS SOMEDAY,
YOU'D BEST GET OUT OF MY WAY."
GROWLED THOSE MEN, WHO WERE TERRIBLY GRUFF,
"HOW CAN YOU SAY SUCH RIDICULOUS STUFF?
"WE'LL BATTLE YOU AND STEAL YOUR BEAN,
THEN USE IT OURSELVES TO BE NASTY AND MEAN."
AND SO, IN A BIG ROUND CASTLE
WAY DOWN IN THE SOUTH,
THESE MERCILESS MEN CAME TO TAKE THE BEAN
AND SHUT JOEY'S MOUTH.
THE CASTLE FILLED WITH FACES FAMILIAR AND STRANGER.
ALL OF THEM KNEW JOE WAS IN DANGER.
SO THEY GATHERED TOGETHER,
PUT THEIR HANDS ON THEIR BREAST,
BEST.
BROADWAY JOE NEEDED LUCK OF MORE THAN ONE KIND
BECAUSE SUDDENLY TROUBLE CAME FROM IN FRONT AND BEHIND.
THE KNOCKED HIM SO *** THE CROWN
THAT HE LEFT HIS BEAN ON THE GROUND.
THE MEANIES IN BLUE GRABBED THE THING
AND GAVE IT TO THEIR WIZARD KING.
NOW EVERYONE STOOD IN ALARM TO SEE IF THE ANCIENT WIZARD
STILL HAD MAGIC IN HIS ARM.
NOW, IN HIS PRIME,
HE COULD HAVE THROWN THAT BEAN AND HIT A DIME.
BUT HIS MAGIC ARM HAD SPENT ITS FORCE.
WHEN HE THREW THE BEAN, IT FLUTTERED OFF COURSE.
THE WIZARD'S MEN LOOKED SOLEMN AND TRAGIC.
,
"IT'S A FRAUD, A JOKE.
"GIVE IT BACK TO THE KID.
"IF IT OBEYS HIS COMMAND, WE'LL ADMIT DEFEAT
AND CROWN HIM KING OF THE LAND."
MAGIC, IT,
AND WATCHED IN AMAZEMENT WHENEVER JOE THREW IT.
HE HOPPED, POPPED, AND SWUNG WITH A SWISH,
AND THE BEAN OBEYED HIS EVERY WISH.
AS DARKNESS FELL ON THIS INCREDIBLE DAY,
THE MEANIES IN BLUE JUST FADED AWAY.
EVERYONE CHEERED FOR BROADWAY JOE,
FOR HE HAD PUT ON SUCH A SPECTACULAR SHOW.
HIS BEAN WAS TURNED TO SILVER
AS BRIGHT AS THE EYE COULD SEE.
AND JOE RETURNED A HERO TO HIS KINGDOM BY THE SEA.
THE END.
REMINISCENT OF THE AMELIA EARHART
AND JUDGE CRATER CASES,
THE NFL HAS BEEN HIT RECENTLY
BY A WAVE OF MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCES.
AAAAH!
[SQUEEEEAK]
[POP!]
YOU'VE SEEN HOW WE TAKE CREATIVE LIBERTIES
WITH SOME OF OUR FOOTAGE,
ES
THAT TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION.
IT'S THE BIZARRE STORY OF THE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
AND THE TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS.
WHEN THE BUCS WERE BORN
THEY ACTUALLY SEEMED TO BE REHEARSING
FOR ONE OF OUR FOLLIES FILMS.
THE BIRTH OF THE BUCS
WAS LIKE THE BIRTH OF ROSEMARY'S BABY.
THE CREATURE WAS HIDEOUS
BUT YOU COULDN'T LOOK AWAY FROM IT.
THE BUCS DISPLAYED A MONSTROUS PENCHANT FOR LOSING.
OVER A THREE-YEAR SPAN,
THEY MADE NFL HISTORY
BY DROPPING 26 CONSECUTIVE GAMES.
WHILE THE BUCS SUPPLIED BELLY LAUGHS,
HEAD COACH JOHN McKAY PROVIDED QUIPS.
LED
LIKE DON RICKLES DELIVERING A MONOLOGUE
TO STAGE-SIDE TABLES AT A VEGAS NIGHTCLUB.
WE CAN'T STOP PASSES OR RUNS.
OTHERWISE, WE'RE IN GREAT SHAPE.
PLAY MON. HE TACKLES.
WE GOT ALL THESE OLD PROS. NOBODY TACKLES.
ARE YOU GOING TO PUT BIG MEN IN?
WHEN THEY GET THE BALL,
THEY KEEP IT ABOUT A WEEK.
HOW COULD THEY LET HIM GO?
THOSE GUYS ARE GUTLESS. ■
THE OTHER ONES ARE BRAINLESS.
A LOT OF SACKS...
WELL, WE DIDN'T BLOCK.
WE MADE UP FOR IT BY NOT TACKLING.
McKAY'S BUCS RESEMBLED A FRATERNITY FOOTBALL TEAM
INTO THEIR THIRD KEG OF BEER,
AND THEIR STYLE OF PLAY
RESEMBLED OUTTAKES FROM ANIMAL HOUSE.
WE NEEDED KNUTE ROCKNE.
HE WAS NOT HERE.
T PLAY
WE'D LIKE A NEUTRAL SITE.
WE WENT THROUGH EIGHT QUARTERBACKS.
WE HAD NO AUDIBLE SYSTEM.
THE LEFT GUARD WAS FROM NOVA SCOTIA.
THE RIGHT GUARD WE JUST PICKED UP.
THEY BARELY KNEW EACH OTHER'S NAME.
THESE PUSHOVERS IN PUMPKIN-COLORED JERSEYS
SUFF
BUT IN 1979,
A FAIRY-TALE TRANSFORMATION .
THE PUMPKINS TURNED INTO A FLEET OF GOLDEN COACHES
AND WON THE NFC CENTRAL DIVISION TITLE.
THE BUCS HAD GONE FROM WORST TO FIRST.
I HAD A FIVE-YEAR PLAN
BECAUSE I HAD A FIVE-YEAR CONTRACT.
SO NOW EVERYBODY SAYS,
HOW CAN McKAY BE SO INTELLIGENT IN FIVE YEARS?
THAT WAS THE CONTRACT'S LENGTH.
THAT'S HOW INTELLIGENT I AM.
WHILE THE BUCS EVENTUALLY LOOKED LIKE WINNERS,
THE SAINTS CONSISTENTLY DISPLAYED A GAME FACE
NOT EVEN A MOTHER COULD LOVE.
THEY TOOK THEIR FIRST BABY STEPS IN 1968.
IT LOOKED LIKE THEY'D GROW UP FAST
WHEN JOHGILLIAM, NUMBER 42,
RAN THE OPENING KICKOFF IN THEIR FIRST GAME
94 YARDS FOR A TOUCHDOWN.
INTS' MPO,
THEY'VE BEEN PLAYING THE BLUES EVER SINCE.
THEY OFTEN SEEMED TO BE PLAYING EVERY QUARTER
AS IF THEY HAD SPENT A LONG NIGHT
ARTER.
THEY HAVE NEVER HAD A WINNING SEASON.
THE SAINTS ANNUALLY TAKE A CRASH COURSE
IN THE SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS.
THEY'RE STILL WAITING TO GRADUATE.
NEARLY 500 PLAYERS HAVE KNOWN
THE DIZZYI, DISORIENTING EXPERIENCE
OF BEING A SAINT,
AND SOME STRANGE BIRDS HAVE PERCHED
IN THE CLUB LOCKER ROOM.
WE PICKED UP A PUNT RETURNER FROM OAKLAND.
HE CAME IN ON A SATURDAY.
WE HAD A GAME THAT NIGHT,
SO THEY TOOK HIM STRAIGHT TO THE SUPERDOME.
HE HAD A PARROT ON HIS SHOULDER
WHEN HE CAME IN.
IT WAS A LITTLE PECULIAR,
BUT HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE A GOOD RETURN MAN.
I WAS WONDERING WHAT HE'D DO
WITH THAT PARROT DURING THE GAME.
THERE,
T
HE SAID HE'D JUST LEAVE IT THERE
THE WHOLE GAME.
HE DROPPED THE FIRST PUNT.
THEY NEVER PUT HIM BACK IN.
OBVIOUSLY, HE'D GET THE AX.
WHEN WE WENT BACK IN THE DRESSING ROOM
AFTER THE GAME WAS OVER,
THAT PARROT WAS DEAD IN THE LOCKER.
URVIVED
SAINTS' FANS ARE AS LOYAL AND TRUSTING AS GUMBO.
THEY'VE MAINTAINED HIGH HOPES
FOR A TEAM WITH A FLAIR FOR LOW COMEDY.
THE SAINTS HAVE NEVER BEEN GOOD,
BUT THEY'VE HAD GREAT ROSTERS--
NOT IN TALENT, BUT IN NAMES.
JUBILEE DUNBAR, D'ARTAGNAN MARTIN, AND *** MERKINS
ARE AMONG THOSE WHO'VE PLAYED
FOR EIGHT DIFFERENT HEAD COACHES.
THE FIRST COACH WAS TOM FEARS.
CRITICS SAID HE COULDN'T EVEN BLOW HIS OWN NOSE.
THEY WERE WRONG.
[HONK HONK]
THE SAINTS HAVE GONE MARCHING INTO 18 NFL CAMPAIGNS.
THEY'VE NEVER MARCHED OUT A WINNER.
THIS IS THE IDEAL TEAM
FOR THE CITY THAT GAVE BIRTH TO THE BLUES.
[MIMICKING FOGHORN LEGHORN] THE PROUD...
I SAY, THE PROUD FOOT BELONGS TO THE KICKER
WHOSE ONLY CONCERN IS THAT HIS MATES KNOW WHO TO BLOCK.
WHO'S GOT 30?
OK, ALL SET?
HEY, WHO'S GOT 45?
I THOUGH
I'VE GOT 76.
I'VE GOT 57.
WHO'S GOT 88?
OH, WHAT THE... TIME OUT.
IN KICKING, THE CENTER...
I SAY, THE CENTER SNAP IS CRUCIAL.
WOO OOH!
NOW, UH, PAY ATTENTION.
THE ALLY OF EVERY KICKER IS HIS SURE-HAND...
I SAY, HIS SURE-HANDED HOLDER.
IF SOMETHING GOES WR...
I SAY, GOES WRONG,
THE KICKER HAS SOME OPTIONS.
PAY ATTENTION, BOY.
THERE'S THE DOUBLE-TRICK-KICK
RUN-AND-KICK-REAL-QUICK SHTICK.
OR THERE'S THE POPULAR...
I SAY, POPULAR STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE.
TO KICKING,
I SAY, WE PUNTERS DISPLAY AN AFFINITY FOR BALLET
WITH OUR FLUID MOVEMENTS THAT SING...
I SAY, SING OF GRACEFULNESS.
IT'S UP TO THE PUNTER TO SAVE...
I SAY, SAVE HIS TEAM FROM BAD FIELD POSITION.
PLAYERS AT EVERY POSITION
HAVE BEEN UNWITTING VICTIMS IN OUR FOLLIES FILMS.
TWO OF THE GREATEST CAUSES OF THEIR EMBARRASSMENT
HAVE BEEN BAD WEATHER
AND THE STADIUM SURROUNDINGS THEMSELVES.
[MIMICKING PORKY PIG] THE L-L-LORD SAID,
LET THERE BE PRECIPITITA... PRECIPIITI...PRECIP...
UH, LET THERE BE RAIN.
AND L-L-LO AND BEHOLD, RAIN CAME POURING DOWN,
TURNING ALL INTO A QUAGMIMI...QUAGMI...
MAKING A REAL MESS OF THINGS.
AND THE PLAYERS SAID, LORD, WE'RE MELANCHOL...
MELANCHACHA... AH, UH, MELANCH...
WE'RE PRETTY DARN SAD.
AND THE L-L-LORD SAID, GET THEE SOME ARTIFI...
GET THEE SOME ARTIFIFI...
GET THEE A RUG.
AND THE PLAYERS DID.
BUT WHEN THEY SAW WHAT THEY'D WROUGHT, THEY SAID,
L-L-LORD, WE'RE MELANCHOCHA...
MELANCHACHA... WE'RE, WE'RE, WE'RE...
WE'RE STILL PRETTY DARN SAD.
SO FINALLY, THE L-L-LORD SAID,
GET THEE UNDER D-D-DOMES
COSTING M-M-MILLIONS OF DOLLARS.
AND T-T-THE TAXPAYERS SAID,
L-L-LORD, WE SURE ARE MELANCHOCHA...
WE'VE SURE BEEN GIVEN A BIG ENOUGH PLACE
TO TAKE A BATH.
BESIDES BAD WEATHER, FAN AND PLAYER ALIKE
ARE SURROUNDED BY CONSTANT DANGERS
LURKING IN NFL STADIUMS.
THE FEAR OF SUCH COLLISIONS
HAS FRIGHTENED MANY A PLAYER.
IN FACT, SOME HAVE NEVER BEEN HEARD FROM AGAIN.
FOR
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
HIIY!
OOOW!
HIIY!
OOOW!
HIIY!
OOW!
HIIY!
OH, BOY.
HI HEIDI HO!
HIIY!
HIIY!
OOH, HURTS.
HIIY!
OOH...
HIIY!
OH, SORE ARM.
HIIY!
YAY!
NFL FILMS WAS BORN LONG AFTER HOLLYWOOD'S GOLDEN ERA ENDED,
BUT WE HAVE A NOSTALGIC AFFECTION
FOR THE GOOD OLD DAYS OF MOVIE-MAKING.
I SOMETIMES WONDER WHAT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE
CED
OR AN OLD-FASHIONED NEWSREEL.
THEY WOULD HAVE LOOKED SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
■■
THE NFL NEWS PARADE
IS ON THE AIR.
NEW YORK CITY.
HERE, COMMISSIONER PETE ROZELLE,
MONARCH OF PRO FOOTBALL,
NT.
"NFL TO ADOPT THE METRIC STANDARD
OF WEIGHTS AND MEASURES."
OBSERVERS VIEW SWITCH AS A PATRIOTIC GESTURE,
A MOVE ENDORSED BY WORLD LEADERS.
AND SO,
FROM SNOW-CAPPED PEAKS TO DESERT SANDS,
IN EVERY NFL STADIUM,
THE METRIC SYSTEM BECOMES THE LAW OF THE LAND.
A HAPPY PETE ROZELLE
POINTS WITH PRIDE TO THE SYSTEM'S EARLY SUCCESS.
BUT ON OTHER FRONTS, DOUBTS BEGIN TO EMERGE.
PLAYERS AND FANS CONFUSED.
HEADACHES.
NEWLY CHANGED FIELD SURFACES ADJUSTED TO METRIC STANDARDS
TOO LARGE FOR PRESENT CONFINES.
AND SO,
ALL STADIUMS ARE COMPLETELY REMODELED
TO CONFORM TO NEW REGULATIONS.
COST?
NO MAN CAN SAY.
PLAYERS NO LONGER MEASURED IN FEET OR POUNDS.
VENDORS MOURN LOSS OF FOOT-LONG HOT DOG.
SPORTSWRITERS ABANDON HALLOWED CLICHES
LIKE "3 YARDS AND A CLOUD OF DUST"
AND "IT'S A GAME OF INCHES."
REFEREES NOW MARK OFF PENALTIES AND INFRACTIONS
IN CENTIMETERS.
CONFUSION PERVADES.
PLAYERS AND COACHES LAUNCH ANGRY TIRADES,
TO EDUCATE THE PUBLIC.
NOW UNRULY FANS THREATEN TO REVOLT.
Y.
ARMED ST.
SO THE COMMISSIONER ACTS ONCE MORE,
CALLING FOR THE ONE MEASURE THAT WILL BRING PEACE.
JUBILATION SWEEPS THE PLAYER RANKS.
PANDEMONIUM SWEEPS THE NATION.
THE 100-YARD WAR IS HOME STAY.
WHEN SHAKESPEARE WROTE THAT ALL WORLD IS A STAGE,
HE OBVIOUSLY WASN'T THINKING ABOUT THE NFL.
BUT WHEN A STADIUM IS FILLED WITH 80,000 SCREAMING FANS,
SEVERAL HEAD COACHES BECOME NATURAL PERFORMERS.
WE'VE PUT WIRELESS MICROPHONES ON SOME COACHES,
AND OUR NEXT SEGMENT DEMONSTRATES
THAT WHEN THE STADIUM CLOCK STARTS ON GAME DAY,
THE EFFECT CAN BE SOMETHING LIKE THE CURTAIN GOING UP ON STAGE.
GAME DAY IN THE NFL.
JEREMIAH WAS A BULLFROG.
FOR EVERY MAN WHO'S EVER COACHED,
THE NEXT FEW HOURS OF SUFFERING AND CELEBRATION
MAKE LIFE WORTH LIVING.
♪ JOY TO THE WORLD ♪
♪ JOY ♪♪
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY SIT DOWN.
BACK UP SO WE CAN SEE.
CAN WE GET THEM TO SIT?
LES LOOK LIKE WE KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOING.
WATCH THE SCREEN! WATCH THE REVERSE!
WATCH A FAKE, PETERS!
NELSON, WATCH A FAKE, WATCH A FAKE!
WATCH YOUR PASS! WATCH YOUR PASS!
WATCH THPLAY-ACTION PASS.
WATCH YOUR FAKE.
PASS.
SCREEN!
FLEA FLICKER!
DOG!
WATCH EVERYTHING.
I FORMATION.
I FORMATION.
QUICK 141.
I FORMATION, QUICK 141.
94 FULLBACK BANANA HOT RIGHT.
BROWN LEFT Y NASTY 16 LEAD PASS.
BROWN LEFT Y NASTY.
LET'S RUN IT. LET'S RUN THE BUMMEROOSKI.
HUH?
RUN THE BUMMEROOSKI. TIGHT LINE.
WHAT WE GOTTA RUN
IS AN 888 DEEP DOWN THE [BLEEP] MIDDLE,
HOPE WE GET PASS INTERFERENCE.
ASK THESE PEOPLE TO STAND BACK.
DOUGLASS!
DOUGLASS!
BECKMAN, BECKMAN.
NO, NOT JIMBO.
BECKMAN! MAKE HIM KICK IT AGAIN.
MAYBE IT'S ON US, MAYBE IT'S ON US.
BOY, THE GEARS IN THAT GUY'S MIND
DIDN'T MESH FOR A LONG TIME.
GET HIM OUT. HE HAS NO HANDS.
YOU DID A POOR JOB.
DOGGONE, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
HELL, YOU'RE IN YOUR HOME STATE.
NO GOOD AT ALL.
ANYBODY CAN KICK IT OUT OF BOUNDS.
I DON'T WANT YOU RUNNING AROUND
AND GETTING OUT OF POSITION.
YES, SIR.
LINE UP WHERE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO.
I KEEP TELLING THEM.
IF I DON'T GET THEM DOWN,
I'LL CUT THEM, BABY.
LINE, WE HAVE TO START DOING SOMETHING.
THE DEFENSE WON'T DO IT.
WHAT'S THE HELL IS HAPPENING?
BE ALERT!
OK, DEFENSE. STOP SOMEBODY ONCE.
NEXT WEEK, EVERY GUY UP HERE
RS.
YOU ALL RIGHT, BUTCH?
COATES.
BUTCH.
COATES.
DROP.
DROP, DUMMY. DROP!
MY DAUGHTER COULD DO BETTER.
THE NEXT [BLEEP] TIME, EVERYBODY SIT DOWN.
I KNEW WE WEREN'T READY
TO PLAY FOOTBALL TODAY.
I KNEW WE WEREN'T READY.
OK, PICK OFF, PICK OFF!
PICK OFF RIGHT THERE.
YOU PICKED HIM OFF!
HOLDING!
HE PULLED HIS ARM!
HE PULLED HIS ARM. HE PULLED HIM.
THE OFFENSIVE TACKLE TACKLED THE STRONG SAFETY.
HE HAD HIM, COACH.
HE TACKLED HIM, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
MR. OFFICIAL, HOW CAN YOU MISS THAT PLAY?
THE BALL POPPED LOOSE
WHEN WE MADE CONTACT--
I THOUGHT YOU WERE TALKING
ABOUT YOU BEING ON THE FIELD.
CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING?
THAT'S THREE HOLDING PENALTIES ON ONE TEAM
IN A QUARTER AND A HALF.
THAT AIN'T FUNNY.
FIRST DOWN BY 2 FEET, 2 FEET.
I CAN'T SEE.
HE'S GOT IT.
YOU DID GOOD, YOU DID GOOD.
STRETCH IT OUT.
FIRST DOWN.
YOU MARKED IT GOOD.
GREAT JOB. YOU MARKED IT GOOD.
A FOOT.
YOU SAID 2 FEET.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN 8 INCHES AND 2 FEET?
I WENT TO COLLEGE WITH THAT OFFICIAL.
I DID.
HEY, EHRMANN!
HEY, YOU OVER-OFFICIOUS JERK!
A SUBSTITUTE HAS TO BE IN FOR ONE PLAY.
EVEN I KNOW THAT.
YOU'LL HAVE MORE HELL OVER THAT THAN A LITTLE BIT.
[BLEEP] DAMN, THERE'S A CLIP!
WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU, 76?
CALL A CLIP.
YOU GUYS ARE HORSE [BLEEP].
YOU'VE GIVEN THOSE [BLEEP] AN ADVANTAGE NOW.
HOW ABOUT TURNING IT AROUND?
THAT'S A CROCK!
THEY'RE KILLING ME. THEY'RE KILLING ME!
DON'T THINK FOR ONE MINUTE
I'LL TAKE A LOSS STANDING DOWN.
MOFFETT, 20. YOU COULDN'T COVER ME.
HA HA HA!
HA HA!
COME ON, BABY, ONE TIME.
ONE TIME. ONE TIME, BABY.
ONE TIME.
ONE TIME!
COME ON, BOBBY. DIG IT, DIG IT.
COME ON, TURN THE CORNER!
ATTA BOY, FLOYD!
ATTA WAY, FLOYD. ATTA BOY!
GREAT JOB, FLOYD!
OK.
OH, NO. OH, DON'T DO THAT.
GET YOUR BUTT UP HERE.
OH, DON'T. NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
♪ JEREMIAH WAS A BULLFROG ♪♪
THE FORMULA FOR FOLLIES FILMS IS SIMPLE--
PUT PRATFALLS AND FUNNY FACES TO SCRIPT AND MUSIC.
AT THE RISK OF SOUNDING SNOBBISH,
WE'VE ALSO ATTEMPTED TO ADD CLASS AND CULTURE
TO OUR BASIC FORMULA.
I'M ABOUT TO ATTEND A COMMAND PERFORMANCE
OF TWO CLASSIC FOOTBALL FILM COMEDIES,
THE HEADCRACKER SUITE AND THE HI, MOM OPERA.
IT'S BACH, BEETHOVEN, AND BLOOPERS.
♪ HI, MOM ♪
♪ NUMBER 1, NUMBER 1, NUMBER 1 ♪
♪ LA ♪
♪ HI, MOM ♪
♪ NUMBER 1, NUMBER 1, NUMBER 1 ♪
♪ 1 ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ HI, MOM ♪
♪♪ HI, MOM ♪
♪ HI, MOM, HI, MOM, HI, MAMA ♪
♪ HI, MOM ♪♪
♪ HI, MOM ♪
♪ WE'RE NUMBER 1 ♪♪
♪ HI, MOM ♪
♪ WE'RE NUMBER 1 ♪
♪ WE'RE NUMBER 1 ♪
♪ WE'RE NUMBER 1 ♪
♪ WE'RE NUMBER 1 ♪♪♪
HI, MOM!
CAPTIONS MADE POSSIBLE BY NFL FILMS, INC.
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.
PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT PERMISSION OF NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE