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I'm 17 today!
The game is on Freddy. You wanna play?
I met a girl I like today.
- Don't be stupid. - Girls like stupid.
Ain't you worked that out?
How about it then, Peachy? Looks like it's just me and you.
Great. It's the lesbian come to gay us up.
I'm Pandora, I'm useless.
You tried to ruin my lovely party.
And now really, really bad things are going to happen.
Why does your sister think I'm gay?
Need to speak to you.
Shut up about my family. You don't know me so shut the *** up!
You're not taking me with you.
The next time I see you, you're dead.
Hello.
I'm Thomas. So glad to meet you.
Hello.
I'm Thomas.
So glad to meet you.
Hello.
Wayne. Come here! Come here!
Don't talk to him. For ***'s sake.
Allo?
Maman?
Merde!
I bought this card for 120 minutes.
I speak for two minutes. Nothing left.
You want to buy another card?
No, no, no, no.
My mother, she'll be very upset.
It's five pounds.
Five pounds.
Oi!
Oi, what you doing? Come here.
I told you kids what I'd do last time!
*** kick him, Aaron!
Kick him harder!
*** ***!
*** is a very bad word. Very bad. Even in England, I think. Yes?
What is this "***" that they call you? Is that bad?
I'm from Delhi.
And I hate Pakis.
So, you see?
Disrespectful.
Now, go and play. Go!
Mmmm. Oh!
Mmmm. Ah!
Wow! You've got a wacker lot of doughnuts.
Yes.
Of course,
I have too many.
Crazy. Ta.
No, thanks.
Effy doesn't do doughnuts.
I see. So, what does she do?
Drugs. We've just been to buy some skunky, haven't we, Eff?
I can do six of these no problem,
except Mum hides them behind the fridge-freezer.
Wow! This is blimmin' amazing!
But I need juicing.
You need juicing?
Yeah. Chuck us the Irn-Bru, would you, Eff?
Barry!
What are you talking about?
Uncle Jock always says "Barry" when he drinks Irn-Bru.
I don't know why, Mum says it's because he's Scottish and mad.
Hello. My name is Thomas. I'm so glad to meet you.
Effy. So glad to meet you.
I came yesterday, from Africa.
This place is exceedingly cold.
Bummer.
Oh.
Hell's bells.
To the kids in the classroom
Can't you wait until... when they gang up and get at you
You wanna be so cool but you know you'll never make it
You think you've got soul but I know you have to fake it
You're gonna be a pillowcase splitter
Break it out Break your pillow every night...
This way.
Incroyable.
Sorry?
Your house. It's incredible.
Thanks.
Come on. Bring the dozy cow up here.
I think maybe these doughnuts is not good for you.
Yeah, that must be it.
Mum?
Mum?
***!
Where's my...
Oh, for ***'s sake.
Jesus Christ!
Put your trousers on.
Effy. What are you, er, doing here?
Pandora puked.
You know Steve, don't you?
Hi.
He's been helping me with my, erm, my project.
Right, yeah. It's really interesting, isn't it?
Yeah.
Hello. My name is Thomas.
So glad to meet you. Hi.
Good evening.
Shouldn't sneak up on me, should he?
Hmm? No? Yeah?
Yeah. Yeah. No.
Yeah?
No, John.
Should he?
Bring the ***.
Right, up you get, my lover.
In here!
Bring him in the flat, you ***.
Oh, right. Sorry, mate, Johnny. Got the wrong end of the stick.
Yeah, he wants to torture him inside, don't he?
Inside, like.
Yeah, inside
Put the kettle on please, lads.
It's taking a long time there, boss.
Yeah.
I keep saying, like.
Probably shouldn't watch it.
You know?
Right.
Lets get started, shall we?
Hello.
Who's you?
T-T... Thomas.
T-T... Thomas? You're in my flat.
I thought it was empty.
No-one wants to live here.
That's true. I wouldn't live here.
I'd have to be a dirty arsehole.
Right?
Yeah. You'd be a right dirty arsehole.
You wouldn't be a dirty arsehole.
Passport.
Not you, Bennie!
You.
Fair enough.
Business or pleasure?
Sorry?
Are you here
for business or pleasure?
Business
Correct answer!
Kettle's boiled, Johnny.
Now we're ready, Thomas.
Lucas. Load a Pot.
Coming up, Johnny.
This whole estate is mine.
People like you, Thomas,
you gotta pay to use it, see?
You wanna watch that there, Johnny.
That's *** hot, mate.
You sauced it?
***, yeah. It's fully charged.
I want you to see what kind of man you're dealing with, Thomas.
That is...
Pure evil!
I want £300 deposit by Desperate Housewives on Thursday.
And don't bother trying to move flat, cos they're all mine.
And that'll be £400 by X Factor. We wouldn't want that, would we?
No.
No.
Say goodnight to Thomas, boys.
See ya, cocker.
Cheers, Thommo. All the best.
Be lucky.
He seemed like a nice lad to me.
Yeah, but John's gonna *** him.
Oh, yeah. He is.
Dear Mama, little brother and sister.
I may be a long way from home, but you are so close to my thoughts.
I am sending you this message
because you must practice your English before you come.
Here, the sun shines just like at home
and there are many wonderful people.
Bebe nani a beti yo
Loba na nga nako zongisa
Tango mousousou o toutanaki na mire a ndakou
Bebe nani a beti yo
Loba na nga
Nako zongisa
Tango mousousou o toutanaki na mire a ndakou...
Where you going?
I need work.
*** off, mister. This isn't your work.
Boy, they will beat you. You want them to beat you?
No. But I must have money.
They take anyone.
Oi!
No documents. You forgot them, OK?
OK.
Now *** off. Before we beat you, huh?
Thank you, Sir.
This is a very cold country.
Did you bring your visa and work permit?
I'm very sorry. I forgot them.
Special skills?
I play all music.
I run very, very fast. Like a dog.
Also, I am mathematical. I will solve any equation.
None. Qualifications?
Top of my class at school.
All A's. The village was very proud.
Where?
In Congo.
None. Work experience?
Every day I fetch the goats. I milk them and...
Goats?
In my village, before sunrise.
I milk the goats, I collect the dung since I was four years old.
None.
This job will get me £300, yes?
My mother is coming you see and she's a very fussy lady.
Yeah.
And you can start tomorrow.
What must I do?
Excellent machine.
Effy! Effy!
Effy! Excuse me!
Effy, hi! Look.
I got a new top. It's cool, isn't it?
When you've got *** like mine, you've gotta flash 'em haven't you?
Sorry?
***, girl. You should try it.
I never try.
Huh?
Stop *** following me, will you!
I wasn't, I was...
A strange place, this college.
Sorry?
Everyone is loud and they care about nothing.
Yeah. You're right.
You are the same as your sister.
I'm not the same as her.
No?
Maybe you're a little more pretty.
Cheeky.
Most satisfactory.
Come on. Pick your positions, everyone.
Now, feel the rhythm.
Pandora! Take this seriously!
That's right. Now swaying.
Growl. You're African.
Come on!
OK. You're stalking, leopards.
Come on, Colin. You're camouflaged. Get some bush!
And stalking. Stalking your prey!
And it's building, building. Marimba!
Great! Great, gazelles. Feel the sun beating down on your haunches.
Stretch, stretch.
And cue vultures!
Circling, circling...
And pounce!
And finish!
Finish, Pandora!
Nkosi Sikelel!
Nkosi Silelel!
What do you think?
Well... That's just smashing, Samantha.
Well done, everyone! I can absolutely smell the Savannah.
This is going to blow the Ofsted inspectors away.
Right! OK, everyone.
Thank you. Thank you all. A triumph!
They've got a real sense of rhythm, haven't they? Thrilling.
In fact, er... I was wondering, well
have you seen Out Of Africa?
No.
I have it on DVD. Similar themes.
Maybe I could come over sometime and *** my disc in your box?
Oh, yeah! Possibly.
Hello, friend.
Hi. I forgot my tail.
Oh.
Blooming heck, you've got fast fingers.
You can pluck super quick. That's gotta be handy.
Thomas?
Why are you crying?
Wow! England is beautiful. Everything is green.
Wicked green, cos it pisses down most days.
Anyway, Effy told me you carried me back, stripped me naked,
and laid me tenderly in your bed.
Excuse me? I didn't... What?
You must be wondrously strong to carry me.
I've carried heavier goats.
You're funny!
Am I?
Yeah. And you like all the same things as me. Dancing, doughnuts...
Excuse me. I'm a little hungry.
That's why we're going to see Auntie Elizabeth.
She makes ripper scones.
Scones?
Yup. And the best tea ever.
My God! How many people live here?
One. But Auntie Lizzie has a wicked load of stuff.
Now then, we're ready to hear all about you.
Thanks, Lizziepoo.
Well, my family is from Ouesso District, Sangha, in Congo.
Our village is very poor.
I miss them so much.
My mother will come next week with my brother and sister,
and we'll live here, together.
Oh, how very exciting!
You must bring them round.
Do have a scone.
Thank you.
Oh, no! Tea first. Scones always taste better after tea.
Auntie grows it herself.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Makes my lips tingle and everything.
That's wonderful. Mmm!
Heaven.
Oooh!
It's interesting.
I'd be very pleased to see how it is grown.
Of course, my dear boy. Yes.
Just as soon as we've all got well and truly sconed.
So I had this lodger, Darnell.
He's a charming chap from Kingston, Jamaica. Most entertaining.
Anyway, he needed somewhere to keep his tea plants.
Pay attention, dear.
So, Darnell, it was an awful business, poor chap.
He fell out with his brothers
and they were so cross he had to go back to Jamaica rather quickly.
Blimey. They don't half grow.
So, this is where we dry it out.
It's terribly easy. But, flipping 'eck, it's coming out of my ears.
It's lucky that it goes so well with cake!
Maybe I could sell some.
I think people would like it very much.
What an enterprising chap!
You know, you could do worse, Panda.
You could do a lot worse!
You get me, blood?
You don't have much furniture in here, do you, Thomas?
I must buy some before my mother comes.
She is a powerful lady, most powerful. Especially on the backhand.
You're gonna have to sell a shoe-load of tea to buy a sofa,
even if it's a once in a lifetime, rock bottom offer at World of Leather.
There's hardly enough for three or four cups in those bags.
Pandora, this isn't just what you think it is.
Well, what in the bollocking name of buggery is it?
That's smoking a lot better than Mum's Earl Grey!
Yes. And rather more expensive.
You're amazing.
Wow.
Now I get it.
Cripes.
That was kissing.
No, Pandora. This is kissing.
So Dave tells Steve exactly how it is. Doesn't pull his punches.
He said, "Let's take this outside, you ***!" Just like that!
*** hell, Steve. That's the Managing Director, for ***'s sake!
Great guy. Stupid, but great. You liked him, didn't you love?
Yeah, you know. He's OK. Anyway, look,
a funny thing happened to me in the supermarket today...
Me and Steve have a lot in common. We share the same tastes.
He was surprisingly complimentary about you, love.
Right.
That'll be him now.
What?
I invited Steve over for a drink.
I made a friend!
*** coming!
It's more complicated than you think.
Doesn't seem complicated. You're *** my dad's line manager.
No biggie.
Give me a chance to sort it out. Please, Effy...
Well, it's not Steve.
But look who it is! What's your name again?
Pandora.
Ridiculous!
Hi, Effy. Hi, Anthea. Hi, Jim.
This is Thomas. Guess what?
We've been snogging!
Never.
Yeah! And we need some advice.
Oh?
Yeah. We've got a shitload of weed!
Right. Let's take this upstairs, shall we?
Eff. I've been doing it with tongues. Come on, Thomas.
So glad to meet you again.
You look different with your clothes on.
What?
I just defrosted a nice tart tatin.
You *** turned up, then?
Hey. What's up?
My ***, hopefully. You know what I mean?
I'm still upset.
I'm never going to a brothel with you again.
Ah! You loved it.
Hey-oop. We got action.
Yeah. They all hate you.
Why?
Cos you're a ***.
How many times have I gotta tell you retards? *** works.
Girls! We were just discussing *** and there you were.
***!
This is the guy you're gonna help out tonight.
So glad.
Thomas has gotta get 300 quid by tomorrow,
otherwise Johnny White's gonna make him eat...
Johnny White?!
He's got 13 ounces of weed in the bag.
OK!
If you'd help, I could give you much.
It's excellent weed.
Hi.
Oh, Christ.
Not again. Who phoned her?
Please, Katie. Don't.
Hi, sorry. I couldn't find a bus. You said somebody needed a hand?
You like giving hand. Don't you?
See you.
For ***'s sake! She didn't kiss me, OK.
She practically jumped you.
I kissed her!
I was drunk, and someone gave me MDMA, and...
I felt like *** kissing someone!
Satisfied?
I'm satisfied! Be better if you showed us!
Shut the *** up, Cook.
You promised me a party. Where is it?
Can't you feel it, kids?
It's the sound of the underground.
Come on, you suckers. Let's go.
Cool.
Woo-hoo!
Come on!
No *** beat to this tune.
Oh, no. It's there, boss. You just gotta be pilled up.
You're supposed to be selling not necking, Benny.
You look like a *** nonce, you ***.
Hang on!
He's pushing dope at my *** shindig!
Go! Go, ***!
No! Him!
Jesus!
Wait till I get my hands on that little ***. Out of my way!
*** hell. Ooh!
*** wankers!
How much you sold?
I done three bags. Tenner each.
Don't even know why I'm *** doing this.
Thanks for keeping schtum.
I don't care what your sister thinks.
Yeah, well, I do.
So thanks anyway.
I didn't take MDMA that night.
I just wanted to kiss you.
I want to kiss you now.
You're gay?
No... No, I just...
Sorry.
Yeah, me too.
***. ***!
Which are you?
Gay... I mean, Emily.
Emily. Already I have £175. My weed is cheap and, my god, they love it!
I got 80.
Oh, this country is so great!
Oh! T-T-Thomas! You're on my t-t-turf!
It's hitting profits, so you gotta pay.
And we only accept cash and pain.
Get the little ***!
*** smash him!
My brother! White people are gonna to season me!
What the ***, blood? Quick, gimme your T.
Make some noise, people!
Gimme the T-shirt!
Quick! Come on stage, you can blend in the posse. Up here!
Let's get this started. Yeah, let me hear you make some noise for T!
Listen, let me get on this So I can get real ghetto on this
Unlike you, I don't teef rhymes I'm so sick that I don't feel fine
Melanie's mingin' but Beverly's fine
So Melanie's yours and Beverly's mine
Let me get on this So girls can get real wet from this
So you can't put them lips on this
I'm black that's why I stand out
Sippin' moonshine and gettin' shines while the moon's out
You ain't got the creps to step to me man
With my Airforce Ones I'll step to you, man
When the music drops I rave it out
I wanna see your middle finger Then your first finger
Put them in the air and *** it out
Put them in the air and *** it out.
Let me hear you make some noise for my African brother!
85, 95. That's it. £295.
There you go, fella. Should be plenty.
Look after that, yeah?
Well done, Thomas.
This is...
You are good people.
This is everything I have dreamed of and...
Now you are my friends, too.
Oh, ***.
Oh, God!
Morning, fella.
Now we're really gonna *** you.
Gentlemen.
Didn't I say I'd kill you if I ever saw you again?
Believe this is mine.
I love my work. Love it.
You must be some kind of English *** ***?
You heard me.
I think you're afraid.
Possibly your father was a homosexual donkey.
I will fight you by myself.
You can choose any weapon.
You just made my day.
So, in summary,
I win.
You are my gimp forever,
I take all your money, beat you,
and your mates to a pulp,
and my boys *** all the women.
Um, boss, the lads...
The lads aren't too keen, you know, on the ***.
For ***'s sake! I'm talking dangerous!
Can nobody talk dangerous any more?
Jesus!
*** Bristol.
No ambition. No...edge, no style.
You know?
Provincial.
Sorry, boss.
I'm ready.
How do you want to fight?
Promise you.
You're gonna *** yourself.
Oh, yeah.
You ever seen a Naga Jolokia before, Thomas?
Hottest chilli on the planet.
It's like being *** by Joe Calzaghe.
And Joe's still got his gloves on.
Who flinches...
is ***.
You.
Oh, in God's name, no.
My God!
Mmm.
Delicious.
Well done, mate.
Well done, Thomas.
What?
My mother.
She grows these in our garden.
We are forbidden to eat them, she will beat us if we disobey.
But boys will be boys. And I am a very naughty boy.
If I win, I pay you no money,
and you leave me and my friends alone forever.
You.
Oh, my God.
What is that?
He shat himself.
Oh. Oh, my God. That... That is so humiliating.
Oh, no.
Right, come on, lads.
Let's get out of here.
Mate, that is humming.
You can't respect a man who *** himself, can you?
Nan.
Pandora, sweetness, what are you doing?
I've given it some thought, and I've decided.
You're gonna be the first, Thomas.
The first?
Yup.
What do I want? Surfing and turfing.
When do I want it?
Now!
Mama!
Thomas!
Come on, JJ.
Hi.
You gonna come and flippin' well jump me now?
I took my bra off and everything! Look!
Aren't they *** amazing?
Mama...