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Come on, come on!
Oh, hi! -I've got lupus! -Lupus now?
-Do you even know what lupus is?!
Uh, you are turning into a werewolf?
That's not lupus! Oh, you've got loopy?
Don't say that!
Increasingly loopy, yeah.
I've got all the symptoms.
-Is one
of the symptoms irrational hysteria?
God, I need to breathe! -Yeah,
breathing.
Breathing is good.
This was a terrible idea, wasn't it?
Of course it was.
You
don't want them at lunch.
You're like an Ingmar Bergman
film.
What does that mean?
Long icy silences punctuated
by the odd icy glare.
Oh, my God, she's here!
Maybe somebody dies.
The two of them are alone together!
Why didn't you try and stop me?
I did try.
There
was a lot of trying.
Do you know what your problem
is? You are too supportive.
Hey, that is unfair! I was
very unsupportive on this one.
What can they be talking about? -I
said at least take them to a restaurant.
Margaret will only do this if it's on
her turf.
She needs to be in control.
Bessie, you need to
be in control.
OK, bye!
Calm and rational.
She brought a main.
-Oh, sorry I'm late!
Oh, I'm early.
I'm always
early.
Drives Wayne nuts.
It's lasagne.
-Oh, yeah! Homemade.
You shouldn't have.
I didn't
want you to do all the work!
You shouldn't have! Oh,
I look forward to it!
It'll take a while to
heat up.
Oh, well, good.
Meanwhile, you two must
have so much to talk about.
Must we? -Do you know what's funny?
Mum's - Margaret's - always
early too.
Isn't that funny?
You're both always getting to places
early, and I'm always running late.
Oh, I don't know who
to blame for that one.
Not that I brought you
both here to divvy up blame,
but by the way
- who do I talk to about these thighs?
Oh, I don't see how
they could be nurture!
Oh, Mum, how was that movie
that you saw last night?
What was it called again, the
Israeli one about the soldier?
The Soldier.
- The Soldier!
Have you seen that one, Julie?
Is it in 3D? It's in Hebrew.
Oh, my lot won't watch anything
unless it's in 3D, including Wayne,
and he can't even see the effect.
He
says they need to develop a 3D monocle.
Mum's never seen a 3D movie.
You should take her to one!
I'm perfectly happy with two
dimensions, thank you very much.
I know what you would love.
Kayne got
us a pirated copy of Dirty Dancing!
Oh, I haven't seen
that since it came out!
Dirty Dancing? Sounds delightful
(!) Is that with Fred Astaire?
I think you know who it's with.
Surely even you were crazy for Swayze.
I think I'd better check something.
Oh, well, while we're waiting, could
I have a look at your photo albums?
I don't have any
-No, no, these ones here.
Those Oh! Those are in a
terrible mess.
-Excellent idea.
Oh, Mum, you've already
got one.
-I know.
Oh, look at you! Yeah.
Dad? -Mmm? -Could we
have a garage sale?
I want to raise money
for our sponsor child.
Well, I think we already give every
month.
You don't wanna spoil them.
His village was destroyed by a flood.
I think we just gave to
a flood appeal, didn't we?
That was in Pakistan.
Ahmed is in Indonesia.
Oh, well.
Probably carried
there by the floods.
-Dad!
We don't have enough stuff for a
garage sale.
-Oh, and look at you there.
Look, you just look like Brianna
there, except for the training wheels.
How old were you there? Ten.
Oh! Still wearing
floaties at, um 12.
Oh, honestly, you look
exactly like Amber there.
In fact, she had pads
like this for, um
For what is it - kickboxing?
Ballet.
-You know, it's amazing,
apart from the pads, the helmet and
the harness, that could be Amber.
Mum was very protective.
Could I take these, borrow them
for a bit, just to show the family?
Oh, I don't think so, because the house
insurance requires that they stay here.
Well, she's not going to set
fire to them.
Of course you can.
Oh, great, thanks.
I'll just put
them in the truck so I don't forget.
A truck? She's putting
them in a truck?!
Dad, do you still want this?
-Yeah.
But you've got two of them.
Edwina!
We're not having a garage sale.
We don't have anything to sell.
You've got four pairs of
these and five tracksuits.
I need them all.
I've
never seen you running.
But the more I have, the more incentive
there is to eventually commit to
Dad, do you still want
that kayak we never used?
Again, the fact that it's
there is a constant incentive.
If we can't sell that,
can we send it to Ahmed?
He could really use it
to get around his village.
Alright, OK, OK, you
can have my toe sneakers.
Have you ever worn these?
Well, they don't work, OK, and
you're not selling my kayak.
Ahmed should have learned
to swim by now anyway.
There we are! Oh!
A traditional Vietnamese
chicken salad and lasagne.
You can see why those
Vietnamese people are so thin.
Thank goodness we've got some carbs.
-Yum! What a great combination.
See? Put you two together,
and one plus one equals three.
Is that what seven years private
maths tutoring taught you?
You've done such a great job, Margaret.
All that mollycoddling
has really paid off!
Bess! You're not doing that again?
What's going on? What's
happening? What is it?
It's just a bit of anaphylactic shock.
I thought you'd got over that.
Yes, by avoiding peanuts! Why
would you use them? You know I
I beg your pardon! The salad!
You had to show off to Julie
with your authentic Vietnamese
I didn't use peanuts.
As if I'd be so gauche!
It was the lasagne.
I'm really sorry.
I used the New Idea satay lasagne recipe
and it has peanut butter
in it.
-Oh, my God!
It makes a really good
thickener for the tomato sauce.
Oh, oh, oh! -Do you want some of
this? -I'm so sorry, I had no idea.
No, no! It is my fault.
-No,
no, no, it's definitely my fault.
It's not my fault.
Oh, Mum, please!
Alright, this is what
we're going to do.
We are just going to
start lunch all over again.
Thanks, Bess.
Margaret, I really want this to work.
I'll throw out the lasagne.
What are you doing out here?
They're showing the 3D
version of Titanic on the TV
Well, actually, they're showing
it in 2D, so it's just Titanic,
but it is the 3D version.
I nearly killed her.
She could have died.
Don't worry, you'll get it next time.
I'm only joking, Jules.
I don't really
think you'll have another go, come on.
If you'd seen her today, you know,
writhing around with her pants pulled down.
How are you supposed
to know about allergies?
They should send out
some sort of a dossier.
We should never have given her up.
-Oh,
Jules, we were kids! We had no choice.
Yeah, I know that, it's just
Well, look for yourself.
She's
had a pretty nice time of it.
And that Vietnamese salad,
that sounded really nice.
You know, I don't think she'd have developed
that allergy if she'd been living with us.
Oh, Jules, I don't
think it works like that.
I don't think allergies are
too fussy about where they live.
Yeah, well, why have our
kids not got it, then?
I mean, we've built them
strong, we've built them
Peanut-resistant, yeah.
-Yeah, yeah.
I mean, look at that - look.
Amazing.
Yeah, look at 'em.
Mad
buggers, yeah.
-Look at this.
Well, yeah.
At least she's
health and safety compliant, yeah.
You know, I think she would have
been much better off in that photo.
Garage sale? How much do
you reckon you'll make?
Well, it's not for us.
Aren't you getting a cut?
Hey, mate.
What's going on here? Gonna go for
the ten grand on funniest home videos.
What's your idea?
Bounce on the mini ***, hit my head
on the roof, collapse on the mattress.
Look, I don't wanna tell
you how to do things,
but do you reckon you could
do it without the mattress?
Be a whole lot funnier! -Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, cheers, Dad.
-Yeah?
So, how much stuff you
got? -So much stuff!
When you start to look around, you'd
be surprised how much can actually go.
Oh, hi.
G'day, sweetie.
-Oh, Mum's
in the kitchen.
Your nan's here.
Tell her about the garage sale.
Shawn says to tell you we're
having a garage sale.
-Oh, OK.
Julie! -Yeah, hi.
-Hi! Oh! -Hiya.
I see you're having a garage sale.
Yeah, but you didn't have to wrap
something up for it.
We're not that posh.
Oh, no, this isn't to sell.
This is
-Hey, hey, I'm so glad you're here.
Is there any history of lupus in your
- our family?
Um, lupus um, I'm not really sure
It's an autoimmune disease.
-Are
you alright? -I'm sure I'll be fine.
No, no, after the other day.
You
haven't had another one of those
Opportunities to tear down my
pants and stab myself in the ***.
Honestly, I felt so bad.
-No, there's
no need.
It's entirely my responsibility.
No.
No, no, I should have checked.
Oh, let's not have a 'my fault' competition,
'cause I can stretch those out for hours.
Yeah, well, I just wish that
things could have been, you know
Anyway, look, this is for
you.
-Oh, really? -Yeah.
Oh, no, you didn't
need to do this! -Oh!
Yeah, see, it's from when we
went on holiday up the Murray.
Oh! Oh, what's What have you done?
Well, I scanned you
from the album, you see?
Yeah, I can see that! I
think I'd remember doing this.
I mean, obviously the floaties and
the vest should have gone by now,
but Brianna hasn't quite
mastered Photoshop yet.
Yeah, oh, no, isn't
It's really, um
Oh! Ah, yes! And you've
had it framed, because
Oh, it's it's great! -Really? -Oh,
no! Yes, it is.
It's really great!
What a talented family we are.
Yeah!
It was such a fun holiday, you know.
I just I really
wish you'd been there.
We would have taught
you to water-ski, and
Oh, I know you would
have, I know! -Yes!
Nah, you're getting better.
-Oh, well.
-I'll see you next week.
-See you, Dad.
Yeah? I'll kill you again.
-Not if I
kill you first.
Mortal Kombat.
Aren't you forgetting
something? -See you, mate.
Child support, you ***! -I don't
have it this month, Amber.
-This month.
Yeah.
Things are a
little tight, alright?
Anyway, you'd probably
just spend it on shoes.
With steel caps so I
could kick you in the head!
You and I both know you are too
short for that ever to happen.
In the last week, Shawn has had a school
excursion, the dentist, new runners.
Who do you think's paid for them? I don't know
- Government?
Yeah, that's right
- the Government!
The *** republic of Amber!
You're the one who wanted
to split up! -Get a job!
Sure! OH, yep, yep.
That'd be the easiest thing
in the world, wouldn't it?
I could just call bloody BHP, alright,
and disappear down some mine
and get onto the boom like
all the other greedy ***,
but I'd be 1.
000 miles away.
Then what
would you be left with? -More money.
I've made a commitment to be here for
my family.
-Oh! -Nah, anyway, anyway,
I happen to be expecting some
money coming through very soon.
Shawn and I have been working
on a new source of income.
Mate, did you upload that
video? Which one? The
You know, the one with the plaster
cracking and the cat running through it?
Yeah, yeah.
-Money
in the bank.
-Bye.
What are you doing with that old ***?
Oh, Edwina and Oscar
Oh, Edwina and Oscar!
Having a garage sale to get
money for a sponsor child.
Oh, of course they are.
They can afford to have another
kid they've never even met.
It's probably some kind of tax dodge.
-His village has been flooded, Mum.
With money from rich
idiots in Melbourne?
They don't need this.
If anyone's gonna
sell my old crap, it's gonna be me.
It's for the sponsor child.
-I have
a sponsor child! His name's Shawn!
If they're so charitable, they
can send this kid their own money!
I think it's cool.
-*** footbath!
This is weird! -It's sweet!
No, it's like what they find when they
clean out the serial killer's apartment.
Oh, I think my lupus
is kicking in again.
Still with the lupus? I'm
inflating like a balloon!
You know, I looked up lupus
on the Internet this morning.
Yes, I saw that in
your recent searches.
You check my recent searches?
Yes, I found lupus, paranoid hysteria,
and ways to prevent garage sale.
Well, you don't have lupus.
Oh, really?
OK, what other medical insights
did you manage to Google up?
Apparently it's possible to
extend my *** by up to 40%.
Well, staring at
maximumboobs.
com will do that.
Wow, you've been back into the cache.
You can see what she's
saying.
I'm part of the family!
Yeah, you've been Photoshopped in.
I like this! Do you?
Well, why haven't you hung it
up yet? Let's give it a go now.
Let's put it What do you reckon? The
artist is attempting to rewrite history.
It's clearly a cry for help.
Stop it.
You should give her some more photos.
We can get a whole exhibition going!
Can you take those back to Mum's
when you pick up the
golf clubs and the plasma?
Oh, yeah, OK, and I'll put
this on the front lawn as well.
No, don't, give it here.
-No, it's
alright.
No I'll put it out there.
Danny, I'm serious no,
don't It's fine, it's fine.
Don't muck around with it, Danny,
I'm angry! -I'll do it anyway.
Whoa! -Gee, we haven't
been back here for a while.
Look, it's the old Nintendo 64.
-We'd have to get 50 bucks for that.
No, Edwina says all the
money has to go to the kid.
He's living on a raft.
How cool would that be?
Surely we'd have to get a commission
or a finder's fee or something.
For finding this old junk?
Hey, do not diss GoldenEye.
That is a heritage game.
You used to play video games, Pop?
Oh, yeah, I've been known to
spend the odd sultry evening
in the jungle level with Natalia, yeah.
She's a hottie.
Right, we
can't give 'em this stuff.
We should give 'em Reader's
Digest condensed books.
Yeah.
Hey! Those are mine!
When was the last time
you read a condensed book?
Look at you three, all busting a gut to
raise money for a poor family in Toorak.
Your mum's making an extra effort
with that family at the moment.
Sure! It doesn't mean we have
to give them all our stuff.
Alright, there's only one way to
sort this out - multiplayer.
Oh, don't make me kick your
*** in the caverns, Kayne.
I bags Oddjob.
Why
are you always Oddjob?
He's shorter.
He's harder to hit.
-That's ***! -No, it isn't.
This better be a medical emergency.
I
am in the middle of a medical emergency.
Come to the house now!
There's been a robbery.
-What?
-Hasn't there, Brian? -Well
One of the photos is missing from
the family chronicle, isn't it? Uh
Who are you? -He's our new solicitor.
Aren't you, Brian? -Another new one.
Yes, yes.
-Right, so, Julie has stolen
the photo.
This is your batty theory.
Whisked it away for who
knows what nefarious purpose?
She must have left it in the
scanner.
-What scanner? -Nothing.
What would she be scanning it for
- credit card numbers?
What? Jesus, no! I'll get
it back to you tomorrow.
No, this is a police
matter, isn't it, Brian?
Oh, come on! This is how
it starts! Identity theft!
What? I read a piece in The Age.
How does a photo of me as a
They're cunning.
-That would only work
if the criminal was a 12-year-old, surely.
They start them young out
there.
This is madness!
No-one has stolen anything.
Brian,
you don't need to get involved.
Good, because you've
contributed *** all!
It's like she's deliberately trying to
find fault with everything that Julie does.
She's exhausting! -So, what
happened to the previous solicitor?
I didn't dare ask.
Doesn't take much!
She got rid of one of them because he kept
calling the Herald Sun 'the currant bun'.
Doesn't like rhyming slang?
No, or the Herald Sun.
Oh, hey, the kids want me to take out
an ad in the paper for the garage sale.
A classified ad? -No, more like
what you'd see for David Jones.
What did you say? -I said straight up,
'I don't think there are papers anymore.
'
What about flyers? -Yeah, they've
printed about 1.
000 of them,
and because I'm, quote, 'at home all day
doing nothing, ' they want me to deliver them.
Are you gonna do it? No! Probably
just chuck 'em in the creek.
Anyway, I don't know what's
gonna be at this garage sale,
because all I've even
them permission to sell
is that old pile of
newspapers under the house.
OK, whoa, that pile of newspapers
has been in the family for years.
Well, then, they've got nothing.
Stop! Stop! What are you doing?
-I'm selling the lawnmower.
It's great.
It looks
like it's never been used.
Well, listen Why do we even have
it? The man comes and brings his own.
It's incentive It's not
the point! It's not for sale.
You said everything on the left-hand
side of the garage, I could sell.
I never said ANYTHING like that!
I was the 'we're not having a
garage sale' guy! Remember that guy?
Excuse me! Not for sale, not for sale!
-I'm pretty sure that you said
'Let's get everything we own and
move it out onto the front lawn'?
Is that what I said? Apparently yes!
Is that my wallet?! Excuse
me.
Thank you.
Not yours.
How much for these?
Those are my X-ray
You're selling my old
medical test results now?
Actually, I don't remember
bringing those out.
Have you had this looked
at? Thank you! Thank you!
Ah! Don't worry, she
brought the photograph.
Good.
Be nice.
-When am I not nice?
I'm at a neighbourhood garage
sale with a plate of cupcakes.
This is as nice as I've ever
been.
-Where did we get this?
Oh, it's your mum's.
She's mad for him.
Well, does she know
we're getting rid of it?
I'm sick of having it in the bedroom.
I've seen her giving it funny looks.
Hello, Julie
I've got a couple of pairs of leggings
here, but do you want to try them on first?
I've never seen you show
off those sexy pins of yours.
Go on, try these ones on.
Christ! -Look at this! I've seen
one of these in an old movie!
This is what they had
to use before phones!
It's like a tornado full
of *** hit the place.
This is awesome.
I'd buy it myself.
Well, how about ten bucks?
Whoa! Did you steal that?
No.
I got it on eBay.
-Why? -It was 59 cents.
-Cool!
Last week I went into JB Hifi and
I re-priced all the box sets.
-Wow!
Then I got all of
Buffy for $1.
50.
Really?
Yeah, I probably went a bit too low.
-This lamp - again, not for sale!
You said anything lying
around the house, I could sell!
No, I didn't! Don't! Don't do that!
This is in pounds.
That's
why it was so cheap.
Oh!
So, you're asking 400 for this? Yeah.
It's a bit steep, don't you
think? Um, it's my grandmother's.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I can see
why she's getting rid of it.
These plasmas will be
useless in a couple of years.
Tell you what, how about I
give you 200? That's fair.
You're joking, aren't
you, mate? Excuse me?
Are you trying to con a
That's called taking
advantage of a minor, isn't it?
that's a *** bargain.
Hey, Edwina.
How much does this cost?
What the *** is that?
Mum, did you make this?
Are you selling it?
No, we most certainly are not!
What on earth Give that here!
Who told you that you could sell this?
The same person who said
you could sell my passport?!
You said! Again, I said!
Did you? -What? No! -I
thought you were joking
Why would I say to sell that? What
sort of mental case would buy it?
What in Hades is that
That is my picture!
No, no, it's my picture.
-What is
my picture doing inside that picture.
Because it's something
lovely that Julie made.
It's like decoupage,
but more family based.
Is that why you stole my
picture? Sorry, 'stole'?
How dare you insert her
into this absurd scenario!
She wasn't here being
dragged behind a boat.
She was holidaying at the
Four Seasons in Fiji with me!
I would never allow her to do this.
Thank God she's got floaties on.
Yeah, well, you wouldn't allow
her to do anything, would you?
Excuse me? -Maybe if you hadn't wrapped
her up in cotton wool the way you did,
she wouldn't have all the
problems she's got now!
I did not wrap her up in cotton
wool.
What a revolting suggestion!
Yeah, you did! You protected
her from everything!
You rugged her up against reality
so that she's completely
She is not! -She didn't say anything.
I'm
completely? -She's completely smothered!
You have smothered her! Suffocate
plus mother equals smother!
You held a pillow down over her
childhood and you bloody sat on it!
Well, at least I didn't give her away.
You bi Oh!
Oh, ***! Oh, my God,
sorry, mate! I'm sorry!
Can we stop this, please? Bess, look
If this is going to work, you
are going to have to accept that
this overprotective and sometimes
terrifying woman is my mother.
She brought me up very carefully,
and we never went waterskiing,
and no amount of wishing or
Photoshopping is going to change that.
And you
- you are going to have to accept
that this kind, well-meaning
nut is also my mother,
and she's not just part of my
life now, she's part of yours too!
And this picture, this ridiculous,
well-intentioned fantasy,
is worth more to me than £25.
09.
Mum, keep going.
You're
getting a really good crowd.
Alright, everybody in.
In,
in, in, in, in.
Now, smile.
Everyone smile! Cheesy, cheesy, cheesy.
Amber, smile!
One, two Big smiles! Three!
Oh, yeah!
Whoo-hoo!
-Good girl.
What about you, Bree?
I'll Photoshop me in.