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[MUSIC PLAYING]
MALE SPEAKER: Hello, David.
DAVID: I'm so anxious today.
I have a date with a wholesome, beautiful girl from
the Midwest.
MALE SPEAKER: Where are you going to
take a girl like that?
I mean, you only hang out at cool restaurants and the
downtown comedy venues.
DAVID: Yeah, big time red carpet events.
Tell me about it.
MALE SPEAKER: You know, Barry Manilow is in town tonight at
the Garden.
You should take her there.
Homespun people love him.
MALE SPEAKER: No, the Low's been sold out for weeks, bro.
I should know.
I tried to blow this guy at a radio station for tix.
DAVID: Well, you know, I can just scalp tix at the arena.
I'm really good at getting deals on things.
MALE SPEAKER: Really?
What can you get from a scalper?
DAVID: I could probably get, like, orch tix.
MALE SPEAKER: Orch tix?
DAVID: Orch tix.
MALE SPEAKER: You're kidding me.
DAVID: I could get orch tix.
MALE SPEAKER: If you get them, more power to you, girl.
DAVID: That's right, man.
MALE SPEAKER: Manilow tix.
Manilow tix.
Tix to Manilow.
Tix to the Barry.
DAVID: Yo, yo, yo, my main man.
Me and this fine young lady need some tix to the Manilow
show in the Garden.
You going to lay me on or what?
ELLIE MAY: Are you talking a different language?
MALE SPEAKER: Here, take a look at them.
Orchestra pit, row one.
You can feel Barry's spit hitting you.
ELLIE MAY: Oh, I can't wait to tell my friends back in Iowa
that Barry Manilow spit on me.
DAVID: You got a deal.
Well, this is our entrance.
ELLIE MAY: Wow, it's all VIP like Pamela Anderson.
Do you know her?
DAVID: Oh, yeah.
I love that guy.
DAVID: God, I just wish they would install some light bulbs
in this place, you know?
I just don't know about these tickets.
RENEE ZELLWEGER: That's because you're not at Madison
Square Garden.
You're inside a giant's butt hole.
DAVID: Who was that, anyway?
RENEE ZELLWEGER: It's me, Renee Zellweger.
I scalped tickets to see a Matthew Barney exhibit.
ELLIE MAY:Ah, I loved you in Miss Congeniality.
RENEE ZELLWEGER: That was Sandra Bullock, Ellie May.
DAVID: So if we're inside a giant's butt hole, is the
giant watching the Barry Manilow concert?
RENEE ZELLWEGER: No, he's watching Desperate
Housewives on TV.
Listen, you can hear him laugh.
MALE SPEAKER: [LAUGHING]
KOFI ANNAN: I scalped tickets to see Tom Stoppard's Rock 'n'
Roll and ended up in a giant's ***.
DAVID: Who are you?
KOFI ANNAN: Kofi Annan.
ELLIE MAY: I loved you in Rush Hour.
KOFI ANNAN: That was Chris Tucker.
I am the former UN Secretary General, you--you-- you white
trash poster child.
RENEE ZELLWEGER: Wow, must be a good Housewives episode.
[LAUGHTER]
CHARLIE ROSE: Hey, it's getting crowded in here.
I'm waiting for the Tom Waits concert to start.
DAVID: Yeah, you're out of luck, stranger.
You're inside a giant's poo hole.
Who are you?
CHARLIE ROSE: It's me, Charlie Rose.
Well, this is a pickle I'm in.
I've got to do a show, and I'm stuck here.
ELLIE MAY: You know, you sound like someone who's
from where I'm from.
CHARLIE ROSE: Sorry, there, Ellie May, but we had books
and toothpaste where I grew up.
DAVID: Good one, Charlie Rose.
Hey, I have an idea.
We can do what Jonah did to get out of the
belly of the whale.
You Midwesterners are always drunk on moonshine, right?
ELLIE MAY: No.
DAVID: Great.
So what you're going to do is drink this
big bottle of moonshine.
And then we're going to get kicked out by the bouncer,
because you're going to get so obnoxiously drunk.
ELLIE MAY: I've been sober for five years.
But I will do it.
DAVID: Good.
Drink this.
ELLIE MAY: I'll do it.
DAVID: Yeah, drink it up.
ELLIE MAY: Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm.
MALE SPEAKER: Get the hell out of here, you drunk.
You do not throw up on Charlie Rose in a
nice place like this.
ELLIE MAY: Nice place, my eye.
This place is inside of a giant's ***.
DAVID: Well, thank you for at least saving our lives.
ELLIE MAY: Let's drink to celebrate!
DAVID: No!
I love you, Ellen.
But I can't be in a relationship with you until
you treat your illness.
It's killing every one around us.
ELLIE MAY: Do I have ebola?
DAVID: No!
You're an alcoholic.
Let me hear you say it.
ELLIE MAY: I'm an alcoholic!
DAVID: Yes, I'm so glad you admit it.
You said it.
She said it, everybody!
[CHEERING]
DAVID: That's the first step.
And now we're going to lock you up for a couple of months
in a treatment center in New Mexico.
ELLIE MAY: That sounds good.
DAVID: Yeah, but first just give me a kiss to
celebrate, a nice kiss.
You're going to be just fine.
ELLIE MAY: No.
DAVID: Have a good trip.
ELLIE MAY: No.
DAVID: One day at a time.
ELLIE MAY: OK.
DAVID: OK, baby.
Love you.
ELLIE MAY: Love you.
MALE SPEAKER: Hey, David, you're not going to send me
away too because I like alcohol, are you?
DAVID: No, the difference is I'm not trying
to sleep with you.
MALE SPEAKER: Good point.
That was nice of you to buy her a ticket.
DAVID: Oh, it was really cheap.
I scalped it on the street.
ELLIE MAY: Goodbye, David.
DAVID: Oh, no, not again.
Ha, ha.
Ah, yet another funny adventure in my
fictionalized life.
MALE SPEAKER: Nice work, Dave.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Why don't you come inside and, you know, we
can get to know each other better.
DAVID: Wait, hold on.
*** inside?
Huh?
FEMALE SPEAKER: Whoa.
[MUSIC PLAYING]