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I like a plane crash before I fly.
Less chance of us being annihilated.
Father Christmas doesn't exist.
Don't say things like that!
These two still believe in the magic.
I don't want anyone spoiling that.
I hadn't been on holiday
for 40 years without Ted.
I miss him so much.
'That's why you disappeared
all of a sudden!'
'It was a spur-of-the-moment thing.'
My father, not long dead in the
ground, and you're already moving on.
'Do you think I could forget
your father like that?'
Look! Oh, I wish my dad was here.
He is here. He's there.
He's right in front of us.
When did I last clean behind there?
Oh!
***.
Sorry, Ted.
Sod the housework.
I thought we'd dump the kids off
at my mum's and make a day of it.
We haven't been to Ikea for a while.
We could have meatballs and chips?
As always. Or maybe see
if they fancy a sleepover
and we could have a night out.
Mm. Your Mum would love that!
I'm just, erm, trying to get
You're not diddly-fiddling
with your photos, are you?
Have I lost you for the weekend now?
I'm just getting these pictures
from the park nice.
Hey, look at this new thing
I've got - the healing brush.
Gets rid of lines and wrinkles.
Who the hell's that? Your mum.
She looks like a foetus.
Yeah, maybe.
I tell you what, why don't you
drop the kids off,
then pick me up on the way back
through? I'll be five minutes.
Come on, kids, we're going out.
Liam, will you put some clothes on,
please?
I've seen enough
of your willy for one day!
What are you playing at? Did you
order a cooked breakfast for one?
No. What's going on?
Full English with all the trimmings.
Bacon, egg, beans Well, spaghetti
hoops, there were no beans.
Tea and toast. Newspaper, ironed.
Have you got something to tell me?
Are the police here?
I just wanted to do
something nice for you.
And?
Look, I know it's surprising.
I thought, let's just have
a nice day. Just the two of us.
Pfft! What about Snitch and ***?
They're off making bombs somewhere.
And where does your mum and Paula
and the von Trapps fit into this?
They don't. This is just about us.
Could be nice.
Mm-hmm. Unusual.
How long before the arsenic
kicks in?
Does Nan know she's looking after us
all day? And night.
Not yet. But she said she'd be in.
She'll be made up.
Coo-ee!
Hiya, Nan!
Oh, she's not here.
Where's Nan?
Have you tried upstairs?
Maybe she's playing hide and seek.
Nan?! Coming, ready or not!
Nan?!
Nan?!
She's hidden well.
Mum?
Aww!
Nan?!
Where is she?
No sign of her, Mum.
Did you do this? No.
She wouldn't go out
leaving it like this.
Mother?!
Nan?
It looks like she left in a hurry.
Or maybe she was disturbed and
Jack!
Has Nana been abducted?
No. Where did you
hear about abductions?
I saw it on Spooks.
Yeah, well,
you shouldn't be watching that.
It scares the living daylights
out of me.
Why is the holiday album out?
She said she'd be in all day.
And the back door was unlocked.
That's not like her.
Where is she?
Now, what did I say about mobiles?
Whoever's it is, turn it off.
It's not mine. Mine's on silent.
I think it's you, lady.
No, it can't be.
Is it?
Oh, it is. I'm so sorry.
My grandkids have changed
the ringtone AGAIN.
Sorry. I'll put it on silent now.
Sorry, sorry.
Oh, line went dead. Got cut off.
She's been kidnapped. It's al-Qaeda.
Phone her back. Phone her back!
Now it's just ringing. Answerphone.
Mother, it's me. We're at yours.
Where are you?
The back door was open, your stuff's
all over the place, like you've
Have you been abducted by aliens?
Aliens?! Just joking.
Erm, you're probably down the shops.
Anyway, could you give us a call?
OK, ta-ra.
Will we ever see her again?
Of course we will.
She'll have just popped out.
I'm going to put on CBeebies for you.
Can't we have something else on?
It's for kids, that.
You are kids.
Come on, you just have to trust me.
Are me Mum and Dad
doing *** stuff?
As if! More like blind man's buff.
Now, you wait there.
Right, take it off.
Ta-da!
Oh.
I thought you might have bought me
a new bathroom suite
and secretly decorated it for me.
I hate this bathroom!
I've got your favourite bubble bath
and everything. "Hello Vera".
I thought we could both get in.
Don't be so ridiculous.
Oh, it's only our Paula.
Right on cue!
I was just about to say
you could have the taps.
You might as well answer it.
It might be important.
Hiya. You all right?
No, I didn't just try
and cut you off!
I went to answer
and pressed the wrong button.
Your family interrupting
our lovemaking, as usual!
No, me Mum's not here.
Not so loud, eh?
No, she wouldn't leave the door
wide open. OK.
OK. Yeah.
Ta-ra.
Me Mum's gone missing.
Oh, here we go!
'The light
from these stars set out on its
journey billions of years ago.'
Nearly as old as me!
Midget Gem?
Oh, thanks, love.
The universe is so big.
And we are so small.
Why don't we track
and trace her phone?
Has it got GPS on it? 'GPS?'
What do you reckon? She's got
the cheapest, crappiest phone.
She got it free with the Persil.
'OK.'
Well, I'm nearly done here.
But I thought I'd pick out a nice
picture of all the family
and get it framed for your mum.
But there isn't one of everyone,
so I might have to Photoshop one.
It'll take no time.
OK, I'll see you later.
Right, only a few to look through.
Only 22,000.
So the back door was wide open?
Well, it was unlocked.
Well, that's completely different.
You said it was wide open. Did I?
Yeah, that's why I'm here.
She probably forgot to lock it.
Have you called her?
Yeah. One got cut off and now
it's just ringing out. But look!
Oh. Maybe she just knocked it.
Maybe someone's been through here,
looking for stuff to rob.
Has anything been taken?
I can't tell. Shall we have a look
to see if anything's not here?
I've got a headache now.
'Front sitting room there,
it's got some nice floorboards,
'an open fire, which is good to see.
'Stairs into your bedrooms there.
'Through into the rear living room
area. Now, this is nice!'
'And so our journey
comes to an end.'
Hello.
Hiya, Nan. We're in yours.
Where are you?
I'm just worried because she's been
seeming a bit low lately.
What do you think this could mean?
I don't know.
What are you thinking, Miss Marple?
Someone called Gus, and a number.
Who's Gus? And what do you think
the number is? A pin number?
Combination to a safe?
You shouldn't have picked that up in
case they need to dust for prints.
Do you think?
No, Of course not!
It's "Gas", not "Gus".
It's the gas meter. She's done
a meter reading, that's all.
Oh-h!
Have you had enough sleep?
Liam got up at half-past five,
Jack at six.
It'll be my bedtime soon.
Yeah, well, this is supposed
to be my bathtime.
She'll have gone to Sainsbury's
and forgot to lock the door.
I'm off.
Turn this off.
We're going to see Nan.
I was watching that!
It was Homes Under The Hammer.
But we've got to go. I wanted to see
how much the bungalow goes for!
The last thing I need
is you two fighting.
I was only trying to help!
They built an extension!
I want no more
out of the pair of you.
But Homes Under The Hammer's me
favourite! I've just spoken to
Not another word. Zip it.
Fine. Your loss!
Ah, that's better.
Erm, Mum! Come here, quick!
What is it? I'm in the bath.
It's important!
Oh, it's always important when
I'm trying to get a minute's peace.
Leave me alone! Mum, you've got
to come and see this.
Can't I have a minute's peace?
Can I smell burning?
You see,
I told you it was important!
The shed's on fire.
You what?!
Maybe she's in here somewhere.
It's worth a try.
I can tell you now,
she won't be here.
Jack, what have I told you?
I want silence from now.
And me dad's up here somewhere.
Is that her there?
Mum! Mother!
I'm not your mother, love.
Sorry, I
Does your mother come here?
I'd know if she did.
I'm here every day.
From first thing in the morning,
till they shut the gates.
It's what he would've wanted.
It's my Alfie's birthday today.
Oh? 63, he is, or would've been.
Always had a toddy on his birthday.
One for him, one for me.
Do you want a drop?
No, thanks.
To Alfie.
Happy birthday.
Come on, kids.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Dear Alfie
I was enjoying that!
Happy birthday to yo-o-o-ou!
Ah! It's my mother.
At last!
Mum?
Hello?
Can you hear me?
She's not speaking.
Maybe she's in trouble
and trying to secretly ring us!
Mother?
I can hear her.
She's saying something
What? I can't make it out. Wait.
She's telling someone
a recipe for flapjacks.
She's phoned me from her bag again.
She's sat on her phone!
Mother!
'Can you hear us?
Where are you?'
Dead easy to make. I had all
the stuff in, so I rustled them
together last night.
Chucked them in me bag
in case I felt peckish.
Would you like one of these?
Oh, go on. Yeah.
'Mum! Mum!
'Mother!' Is that a wasp?
Where is she?
Nan's at the World Museum
in Liverpool.
How do you know?
She told me she'd gone there.
I called her from the house phone
in the hall.
Well, why didn't you say something?
I tried to, but you said I wasn't
allowed to say another word!
Come on!
Hurry, or we'll miss it!
Oh! That's a nice one of Eileen.
I'll have that.
Oh, that looks quite nice.
They're nice, them.
Oh, right!
One of me favourites.
Lovely with a few peas on the side.
You can't go wrong with peas. Yeah!
Just pop, pop, pop, pop
in the microwave and you're done.
I like to eat them out the packet.
No cleaning.
You spend your life cleaning.
Oh, yeah, tell me about it!
Meals for one, eh?
Eh?
Well, yeah.
Just you on your lonesome, is it?
I wouldn't put it quite like that.
Nothing to be ashamed of,
living alone.
I'm not ashamed. It's just
It comes to us all. Well
You start out part of a big,
jolly family, surrounded by
all these happy people,
and then they all disappear and die.
Till it's just you,
the remote control,
a single bar on the fire,
meal for one.
Crying yourself to sleep.
Comes to us all.
And I'll tell you something else -
that's lovely with a sticky
toffee pudding for afters.
Nice meeting you.
Thanks for that!
Sod that.
How is them setting fire
to the shed my fault?
If I hadn't have been in the bath,
I'd have known what they were up to!
And if you hadn't been gallivanting
with the Addams Family,
you'd have been here to stop 'em.
Just so I know.
Aren't you cold like that?
No. Luckily, I've had a burning
shed to keep me warm!
Oh, here, look Forget it.
Shut up, you.
Be careful with that, please.
I'll take them back to the shop!
Mother! Thank God.
I've been ringing you all day.
Where are you?
I'm on the sofa, having a cuppa.
You are joking?
Where are you?
At the World Museum!
No! I was there earlier. I know!
What a shame we missed each other.
The reason we're here
I give up.
Do you want to come round for
your teas? I'm doing a barbecue.
I've got loads of sausages
and some burgers,
so bring anything
you want to chuck on.
OK. See you in a bit. 'See you!'
A barbecue.
In the middle of winter
Not smiling.
Not smiling.
Not smiling.
There's got to be one.
That's all that's left, I'm afraid.
Safe to go back in the house.
How the hell did this happen?
It was her fault. She made me do it.
I only said I'd give you 50p
if you set something on fire!
I was thinking more of a newspaper.
And where's me 50p?
Don't be a moron. You're the moron.
Enough. You're both grounded.
Now go to your rooms.
You hated that shed anyway.
It was full of crap.
It'll save you a trip to the dump.
It's me mum. Course it is!
Hiya, Mum, are you all right?
Have you been in here all day?
It smells like a teenage boy's
bedroom. All boffs and BO!
I've nearly done a photo of us
all together.
I'm a bit shaky.
There's too much coffee.
You look like a smackhead.
Come on,
we're going to me mum's for tea.
You found her, then? Not really.
The main problem was Mandy.
There aren't any of her smiling.
Oh, there's a surprise!
I did find one eventually, though.
So I've morphed her smiling head
onto this photo with everyone else.
What do you think?
I think you need some fresh air.
No, no, no, I haven't finished yet.
Don't judge me on that!
You've lost the plot. Why has
Mandy got a white cowboy hat on?
The only photo of Mandy smiling
is from that fancy dress party
she went to years ago
as Dolly Parton.
Hey, what are you doing?!
Get dressed!
Me mum's fine,
you'll be glad to know.
Panic over.
She's invited us for tea.
And before you say anything,
it'll save you getting reacquainted
with the microwave.
Ah, sound!
Mum's cooking tastes like puke.
And not even fresh puke.
You two are meant to be
under house arrest.
Go on then. I can't be arsed seeing
what's in me chest freezers.
I need to get away from the
smell of smoke. What are we having?
Barbecue. Oh, great!
Wow!
Found you at last!
No thanks to this lot.
It's all magic-ness.
Oh, thank you!
I thought we'd have
a winter stars and moon party.
Really? Got you some sausages.
Oh, thank you.
I bought a telescope from Argos
so we can look at the stars.
There's an app you can get
where you hold your phone up
and the GPS tells you where
all the stars are.
See, if you got one of these,
Eileen
Let's just make do with the
telescope tonight. But thanks, Ray.
What stars can you see, kids?
None. It's all cloudy.
Oh, never mind! Your dad will fix
that with his iPhone.
We're here!
Let's get this party started.
Oh, lovely red flames!
It needs a bit more coal.
We've had enough of that
for one day, firestarter.
Here you are. Mandy's got tons of
them. Gets them cheap from work.
It's the only perk
of working at Iceland.
I've got some fresh food here,
if anyone fancies it.
You're only going to set fire to it.
I don't like the smoke.
Has anyone got a gas mask?
Aren't you coming out?
It's freezing out there.
What do you think all this is about?
She's just enjoying herself.
I think it's great.
I love a barbie any time of year.
Do you think she's all right?
Healthy?
What do you mean?
You hear of parents acting strangely
when they get older
and it's turns out it's
the beginning of, you know
Shall we ask her?
"Hey, Mum,
are you going fruit-loop?"
I'm just concerned.
She has lost her husband, you know.
We can allow her to be
a bit off-kilter.
I know it's early days,
but what will people think?
Who cares what people think,
as long as she's happy.
Where's the ketchup? I don't know
what my dad would have made of this.
It's exactly the sort of thing
he'd have done.
He loved a burnt ***.
In August, maybe!
Here you are, boys.
My Very Energetic Mother
Just Served Us Noodles.
You've lost me now.
It's how you learn all the planets.
Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars,
Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune.
Isn't that clever?
Where's Pluto?
Pluto's a moon, not a planet.
There's Pluto here. Of course he is.
Oh, I better get that.
It's going to be burnt to buggery!
Here you are, Mum.
Oh, thanks, love.
Where did you get them?
Upstairs in the drawer.
They were mine.
Melissa
I didn't quite understand
why you went to the museum today.
I just felt like it.
We were just worried,
the way stuff was left. The mess.
And the back door was unlocked.
Oh, was it?
Well, there's nothing to rob.
My Dad's picture all smashed.
Oh, I know.
It fell when I moved the cupboard.
But I've got a new one now.
It's much better.
And then I came across
the holiday photos.
Took me right back.
That was ages ago.
I know. Some wonderful
ones of the Northern Lights.
So, I thought, sod it.
I left everything
and went to look at more stars.
Even went up the cemetery
to look for you.
Really?
Is that where you think I should be?
No!
But some people go there a lot.
You hardly go, do you?
I just thought you might have
I don't know.
Your dad wouldn't want me
sitting up there all day long.
The last thing he'd want is me
moping about and missing him.
And I do miss him.
But I just want to try
and live my life.
Well, that's me told.
I can't sit in the corner
wearing black like me Nin did
when me Granddad died,
and wait for the end.
I don't know what's going to happen,
and I am scared
..but I'm excited.
Sorry, Mum.
You'll be all right.
I can see something!
Oh, can you see the stars now?
I can see a funny-looking man
watching us.
Oh, that's weird Steve next door.
Give him a wave, kids.
Hello!
Hey, we've got everyone here.
Why don't I do a photo now?
Oh, leave it, Ray!
What are you talking about?
I was going through me photos
on me computer. All 40,000 of them.
And there isn't one
of us all together.
Can you believe that? No.
I did Photoshop one
Which was crap!
That's because you wouldn't let me
finish it off! I wasn't finished!
So why don't I take one now?
Can we? Can we?
Well, yeah, why not? All right, OK.
Everyone, get in a line.
I'll balance it on a wheelie bin
and then run into shot.
Oh, get the brown one,
the garden waste. It's the biggest.
Right, kids in front.
You in the middle, Mum. OK.
Ethan!
Well, get off me foot!
I'm not on your foot, you imbecile.
Do you even know what that means?
Yeah, it's you!
Do I have to split youse two up?
Can we just get on with it?
Right, smile.
That's good, everyone.
Liam, take your hands
from over your eyes.
I don't like the flash.
It can blind me for life.
Don't be daft!
This is nice, us all together. Aw!
You're not getting
all emotional, are you?
No! It's that burger
repeating on me.
They were cooked through. I checked.
Mine was burnt.
It's me own fault.
I ate it too quickly.
All right, here we go.
Come on.
Have you done it right?
Yeah, keep smiling.
Oh, for crying out loud!
I can't keep this rictus grin.
It's going to go.
Oh, would you look at that?
Oh!
Maybe it's not