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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
I met the surgeon general- he offered me a cigarette.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
I'm taking *** and drinking prune juice- I don't know if I'm coming or going.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.