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MAIL CALL!
WALL STREET JOURNAL FOR MASTER CARLTON.
THANK YOU, GEOFFREY.
A STATEMENT FROM THE BANK OF BEL-AIR
FOR MISS ASHLEY.
AND A PLAIN BROWN PACKAGE FOR ME.
I'LL BE TAKING MY BREAK NOW.
BANK OF BEL-AIR?
YEAH. WELL, BYE.
SEE YOU LATER, ASH.
SOMETHING'S AFOOT.
AND SOMETHING'S A FOOT AND A HALF.
I'M TALKING ABOUT ASHLEY.
I KNOW WHERE EVERY PENNY OF THIS FAMILY'S MONEY IS.
NONE OF IT IS IN THE BANK OF BEL-AIR.
SO?
OBVIOUSLY ASHLEY'S HOARDING MONEY. I KNOW WHY.
SHE'S AMASSING A PRIVATE FORTUNE
SO SHE CAN BUY OUT THE FAMILY BUSINESS
IN A HOSTILE TAKEOVER.
A SWEATER
AND A STRING OF PEARLS,
AND YOU'D BE ANGELA LANSBURY.
♪ NOW, THIS IS A STORY ALL ABOUT HOW ♪
♪ MY LIFE GOT FLIPPED ♪
♪ TURNED UPSIDE-DOWN ♪
♪ AND I'D LIKE TO TAKE A MINUTE ♪
♪ JUST SIT RIGHT THERE ♪
♪ I'LL TELL YOU HOW I BECAME THE PRINCE ♪
♪ OF A TOWN CALLED BEL-AIR ♪
♪ IN WEST PHILADELPHIA, BORN AND RAISED ♪
♪ ON THE PLAYGROUND IS WHERE I SPENT MOST OF MY DAYS ♪
♪ CHILLIN' OUT, MAXIN', RELAXIN' ALL COOL ♪
♪ AND ALL SHOOTIN' SOME B-BALL OUTSIDE OF THE SCHOOL ♪
♪ WHEN A COUPLE OF GUYS WHO WERE UP TO NO GOOD ♪
♪ STARTED MAKIN' TROUBLE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD ♪
♪ I GOT IN ONE LITTLE FIGHT ♪
♪ AND MY MOM GOT SCARED ♪
♪ AND SAID YOU'RE MOVING WITH YOUR AUNTIE ♪
♪ AND UNCLE IN BEL-AIR ♪
♪ I WHISTLED FOR A CAB ♪
♪ AND WHEN IT CAME NEAR ♪
♪ THE LICENSE PLATE SAID FRESH ♪
♪ AND IT HAD DICE IN THE MIRROR ♪
♪ IF ANYTHING, I CAN SAY ♪
♪ THAT THIS CAB WAS RARE ♪
♪ BUT I THOUGHT, NAH, FORGET IT ♪
♪ YO, HOMES, TO BEL-AIR ♪
♪ I PULLED UP TO A HOUSE ABOUT 7 OR 8 ♪
♪ AND I YELLED TO THE CABBY ♪
♪ YO, HOMES, SMELL YOU LATER ♪
♪ LOOKED AT MY KINGDOM, I WAS FINALLY THERE ♪
♪ TO SIT ON MY THRONE AS THE PRINCE OF BEL-AIR ♪♪
[CRASH]
OUCH! SHOOT!
ASHLEY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
CHANGING FOR SCHOOL.
SEE, UM...
TODAY IS, UH,
CASUAL DAY.
WELL, UH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE, UH, TRUTH.
ACTUALLY, WILL, I'VE BEEN KEEPING A SECRET,
AND IF I DON'T TELL SOMEONE
I'M GONNA EXPLODE.
WHOA. DON'T TELL ME 'CAUSE IF I KNOW,
I CAN'T SAY I DON'T WHEN YOU GET BUSTED
AND PHIL ROUNDS UP THE USUAL SUSPECTS-- ME.
I DROPPED OUT OF BEL-AIR ACADEMY.
I'VE BEEN GOING TO PUBLIC SCHOOL
SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THE SEMESTER.
I DIDN'T HEAR THAT.
I SAID, I DROPPED OUT--
I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID.
HOW CAN YOU DO THAT?
IT WAS EASY. I FORGED ALL THE PAPERS,
TOOK DADDY'S TUITION MONEY,
AND PUT IT IN AN INTEREST-BEARING ACCOUNT.
PRETTY GOOD, HUH?
YOU TRIPPIN'!
NO, NO. YOU WORSE THAN TRIPPIN'.
YOU'VE FALLEN, AND YOU CAN'T GET UP!
AND HE WILL FIND OUT. AND WHEN HE DOES,
HE'S GOING TO GROUND YOU...
INTO DUST.
WILL, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
EVERYTHING'S SO FAKE AT BEL-AIR ACADEMY.
THE TEACHERS, THE KIDS, THE NOSES.
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
PLEASE DON'T TELL DADDY.
ALRIGHT, LOOK. I AIN'T GONNA DIME YOU,
BUT IF HE SUBPOENAS ME, I'LL BE SINGING LIKE LUTHER.
[TYPING]
I'M IN!
WILL!
COME HERE!
OKAY.
"BANK OF BEL-AIR"?
CARLTON, HOW DID YOU TAP INTO THOSE RECORDS?
I OVERRODE THE CONFIGURATION FILES
AND DELETED THE ENCRYPTED PASSWORD.
GOODNESS.
IT'S HACK-BOY, THE STUBBY-FINGERED AVENGER!
YOU JOKE, BUT SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO GO AROUND THE LAW
TO EXPOSE THE GREATER EVIL.
ASHLEY'S HIDING $10,000.
WHERE'D SHE GET THAT KIND OF MONEY?
MAYBE SHE'S... COUNTERFEIT GIRL, THE SISTER OF HACK-BOY.
LOOK, CARLTON, THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
BUTT OUT.
OH, I SEE.
SHE'S ALREADY GOTTEN TO YOU.
TRUST NO ONE.
WILL, I DON'T GET IT.
MY PRODUCER TOLD ME I'M LOSING MY BLACK AUDIENCE.
I DON'T SEE WHY, HIL.
YOU GOT THE BEST TALK SHOW ON TV.
YOU REALLY THINK SO?
WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOPIC?
UH...
THE ONE WITH THE, UH,
DYSFUNCTIONAL, UH, SINGLE-PARENT GANG MEMBER NUNS.
HIL, I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY SEEN ONE OF YOUR SHOWS.
WILL!
I'M SORRY. YOU NEED TO DO STUFF
THAT REACHES OUT TO YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS.
WHY? WHAT HAVE CARLTON AND ASHLEY
EVER DONE FOR ME?
WHOA-HO-HO!
IF IT ISN'T BELLY DEE WILLIAMS.
I WAS KIDDING. YOU LOOK GREAT. WHERE Y'ALL GOING?
A FUND-RAISER AT THE MUSEUM.
I HATE THESE THINGS.
THEN WHY'D YOU AGREE TO BE ON THE BOARD OF TRUSTEES?
JUDGES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ON BOARDS.
IT'S JUST THAT WITH YOU, IT'S USUALLY A SMORGASBORD.
HI, MOM. HI, DAD.
WILL, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
BYE!
IT'S GIRL TALK.
WILL, MY HOMEROOM TEACHER
INSISTS ON MEETING MY PARENTS.
I'VE CANCELED FIVE TIMES. SHE WANTS A MEETING TONIGHT!
YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO COME CLEAN WITH UNCLE PHIL.
I'M WAITING FOR THE RIGHT TIME.
AND WHEN IS THAT?
WHEN WE GO SHOPPING FOR MY CAP AND GOWN.
THAT'S ASSUMING THAT YOU'RE GOING TO LIVE TILL GRADUATION.
WILL, I NEED YOUR HELP.
LET ME SUM THIS UP IN TWO WORDS--
UH-UH.
YOU KNOW...
I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO SAY THIS,
BUT IT'S YOUR FAULT I'M IN THIS MESS.
MY FAULT?
OH, THIS ONE HERE GONNA BE GOOD.
BEFORE YOU SHOWED UP, I WAS LEADING A NICE SHELTERED EXISTENCE.
YOU MADE ME SEE THERE WAS A WHOLE WORLD BEYOND BEL-AIR
FILLED WITH PEOPLE WHO TAKE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION
AND DON'T HAVE BUTLERS.
I LIKE THAT WORLD.
IT'S LIKE A DRUG, AND YOU GOT ME HOOKED!
WELL, YOU BETTER GO COLD TURKEY
BEFORE YOU WIND UP A DEAD DUCK.
WILL--
ASHLEY, NO. I'M SORRY
YOU GOT YOURSELF INTO THIS LITTLE PREDICAMENT,
BUT TRYING TO BLAME IT ON ME-- THAT'S JUST LOW.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I SAID THAT.
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN SO GOOD TO ME.
I'M JUST SO DESPERATE.
I'M A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE PERSON!
NO, NO.
LOOK, DON'T CRY, ASHLEY. COME ON.
WE'LL FIGURE A WAY OUT OF THIS, ALRIGHT?
THANKS, WILL.
YOU'RE A SAINT.
[SNIFFLING]
WAIT!
WHAT WAS THAT?
WHAT?
YOU SMILED. I SAW YOUR REFLECTION IN THE WINDOW!
OH, NO.
THAT WAS A HAPPY SMILE, SEE?
I DON'T BELIEVE I FELL FOR THEM CROCODILE TEARS.
GIRL, YOU ON YOUR OWN.
ALRIGHT, FINE.
BE THAT WAY!
BUT IF I GO DOWN, I'M TAKING YOU WITH ME.
[DOOR SLAMS]
ASHLEY!
I DIDN'T DO NOTHING!
YOU WANT TO CALL YOUR PARENTS
AND SEE WHAT HAPPENED?
NO. MAYBE WE SHOULD RESCHEDULE AGAIN.
ASHLEY.
IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO TELL ME?
MISS SHARPE, THE TRUTH IS...
ASHLEY!
THERE'S MY LITTLE BRAN MUFFIN.
IS THIS YOUR FATHER?
SURE.
MISS SHARPE, THIS IS, UH, DADDY.
HMM.
HOW COULD SOMETHING SO SMOOTH
BE CALLED "SHARPE"?
YES. WELL, NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU, MR. BANKS.
RAOUL, PLEASE.
RAOUL. OH, AND WELCOME BACK FROM THE ORIENT.
KON ICHI WA.
GOD BLESS YOU, MISS SHARPE.
IT IS MISS SHARPE, ISN'T IT?
YES, IT IS.
YOU'RE A FINE TEACHER, MISS SHARPE.
I BET YOU COULD TEACH ME A THING OR TWO--OOH!
ON THE ACADEMIC SIDE, I MEAN.
WILL MRS. BANKS BE JOINING US?
NO, I'M SINGLE.
I MEAN, UH, ASHLEY'S MOTHER
RAN OUT ON US.
ASHLEY WAS BUT A MERE TYKE AT THE TIME.
I HAD TO BE BOTH MOMMY AND DADDY.
WE WENT FROM TRAINING WHEELS
TO TRAINING BRAS.
THEY BOTH CAME OFF TOO SOON,
DIDN'T THEY, KITTEN?
ANYWAY, ABOUT ASHLEY'S SCHOOLWORK,
YOU SHOULD BE VERY PROUD OF HER.
SHE DOES EXCELLENT WORK,
SHE PARTICIPATES ACTIVELY IN CLASS,
AND SHE'S JUST A PLEASURE TO HAVE AROUND.
YOU KNOW, THAT RUNS IN THE FAMILY.
YES. WELL.
DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS?
NOPE! NOT A ONE.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME, MISS SHARPE.
LET'S HAVE THE NEXT PARENT/TEACHER MEETING AT MY PLACE.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
THANKS FOR BEING SO UNDERSTANDING, MISS SHARPE.
COME ON, DADDY. IT'S TIME FOR YOUR PILL.
IT'S A MIRACLE THIS WHOLE THING WORKED.
WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT, GIRL?
DENZEL AIN'T THE ONLY BROTHER THAT CAN ACT.
AT LEAST THIS BUYS ME SOME TIME
BEFORE I BREAK THE NEWS TO DADDY.
I HAVE TO GET MY HISTORY BOOKS.
STAY RIGHT HERE, RAOUL.
I MADE THAT UP.
OH. MR. BANKS.
DID YOU FORGET SOMETHING?
YOU KNOW, I'M GLAD YOU ASKED.
I FORGOT TO GIVE YOU THE NUMBER
TO MY DIRECT LINE.
LOOK, I'M VERY FLATTERED, BUT--
YOU KNOW, THAT IS AN ABSOLUTELY
INTOXICATING FRAGRANCE THAT YOU'RE WEARING.
COME CLOSER.
HEEEEY-EY-EY.
THAT'S A FAKE MUSTACHE!
NO, IT'S NOT!
[GASP]
YES, IT IS!
NO, IT'S NOT!
I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE,
BUT I'M CALLING YOUR REAL PARENTS RIGHT NOW.
WILL!
NO, IT'S NOT!
MISS SHARPE!
IT'S NOT!
WE WERE OUT THE DOOR, WILL.
WE WERE FREE. FREE!
EASE UP, MISS TUBMAN.
MISS SHARPE GAVE US THE WEEKEND
TO BREAK IT TO UNCLE PHIL.
NOW, LET'S GO OVER THIS EVIL TWIN STORY AGAIN.
I'M SURE THE MAYOR'S MOTHER
MEANT IT AS A COMPLIMENT.
REALLY? THEN I SHOULD BE HONORED
SHE THINKS I LOOK LIKE A BLACK ALFRED HITCHCOCK.
HI, KIDS.
[IMITATING HITCHCOCK] GOOD EEEVENING.
WELL...
GOODNIGHT.
ASHLEY. ASHLEY!
Okay.
MOM, DAD,
IT'S LIKE THIS.
WILL HAS SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.
I AIN'T DONE NOTHING...
UM...YOUR HONOR,
UH...NOW BEFORE YOU DELIVER YOUR VERDICT,
THE DEFENSE DICTATES THAT YOU SUSTAIN THE MOTION
OF THE OCEAN.
BECAUSE MOST PARENTS WANT THE TRUTH
BUT THEY CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
SO IN CONCLUSION,
I MOVE FOR A CHANGE OF VENUE.
GIVE US A HALF-HOUR HEAD START.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I WITHDREW FROM BEL-AIR ACADEMY SIX WEEKS AGO
AND TRANSFERRED TO MORRIS HIGH.
YOU WHAT?
I'M NOT MAD.
YOU'RE NOT?
AND YOU THOUGHT HE WAS GONNA BE MAD.
YOU TRANSFERRED OUT, YOU'LL TRANSFER BACK.
TOMORROW, WHEN I WAKE UP,
ASHLEY WILL BE BACK IN BEL-AIR ACADEMY.
MAYBE WILL WON'T EVEN BE HERE.
DADDY, I'M NOT GOING BACK.
NOW I'M MAD.
YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS, DIDN'T YOU?
WILL DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG.
YOU TELL HIM, ASHLEY.
IF ANYTHING, I SHOULD THANK WILL.
HE'S THE REASON I TRANSFERRED.
WHOA, WHOA. PULL IT BACK, BABY.
PULL IT BACK!
LIKE I'M DOING. PULL IT BACK.
DADDY, WILL MADE ME REALIZE
HOW LIMITED MY LIFE HAS BEEN.
I WANT TO BE WITH REAL PEOPLE WITH REAL CONCERNS.
PEOPLE IN BEL-AIR DON'T HAVE REAL CONCERNS?
IT'S PRONOUNCED "PORSCHE!"
PORSCH-EH!
PORSCHE!
PORSCH-EH!
ASHLEY, HONEY, YOU LIED TO US.
I KNEW YOU'D SAY NO.
WE JUST WANT YOU TO HAVE THE BEST EDUCATION POSSIBLE.
BEL-AIR ACADEMY DOESN'T EQUAL BETTER.
YOU AND DAD BOTH WENT TO PUBLIC SCHOOLS.
OH! GOOD POINT, ASH.
CAN'T WE AT LEAST DISCUSS THIS?
I BELIEVE WE JUST DID.
ST. TROPéZ!
SAN TROPEZZ!
WILL, I TOOK YOUR ADVICE
AND REACHED OUT TO OUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS.
LOOK AT THIS.
[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
HELLO, AND WELCOME TO HILARY.
AS AN AFRICAN AMERICAN WOMAN,
I'D LIKE TO DEDICATE THIS SHOW
TO ALL MY SISTERS.
PRESENTING...FASHIONS FROM THE MOTHERLAND!
INGA IS WEARING A HAND-WOVEN DASHIKI FROM NAIROBI.
HER JEWELRY IS FROM THE IVORY COAST,
AHD HER WEAVE IS FROM WHOOPI GOLDBERG'S HOUSE OF HAIR.
WORK IT, YOU NUBIAN PRINCESS, YOU.
[APPLAUSE]
OUR NEXT MODEL IS BUFFY--
UM..
HIL, I WANT TO COMMEND YOUR ATTEMPT
TO REACH OUT TO YOUR AFRICAN AMERICAN VIEWERS,
BUT YOU FORGOT ONE THING.
WHAT?
AFRICAN AMERICANS!
OHH!
CARLTON, SHE WENT TO PRIVATE SCHOOL, DIDN'T SHE?
TOUCHé.
BUT THERE'S A BIGGER ISSUE HERE.
PEOPLE TALK.
WHAT IF AN ADMISSIONS OFFICER AT PRINCETON
FOUND OUT MY SISTER WAS GOING TO PUBLIC SCHOOL?
I MEAN, MY GOD!
DADDY, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET SOMEONE.
MISS SHARPE IS MY HOMEROOM TEACHER AT MORRIS HIGH.
MISS SHARPE, THIS IS MY FATHER. THE REAL ONE.
THANKS, ASHLEY.
PLEASED TO MEET YOU.
SAME HERE.
HAVE A SEAT.
THANK YOU. I THOUGHT IF WE MET,
I COULD ALLAY ANY CONCERNS YOU MIGHT HAVE.
WELL, YOU MADE QUITE AN IMPRESSION UPON MY DAUGHTER,
BUT WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,
I'M THOROUGHLY SATISFIED WITH THE EDUCATION
ASHLEY'S RECEIVING AT BEL-AIR ACADEMY.
PERHAPS YOU'RE NOT AWARE OF MORRIS HIGH'S ACADEMIC ACHIEVEMENTS.
MISS SHARPE, I DON'T DOUBT THAT MORRIS HIGH
IS A FINE INSTITUTION,
BUT I'VE ALREADY MADE MY DECISION.
I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT.
ONE THING I'VE ADMIRED ABOUT ASHLEY
IS HER OPEN MIND.
SHE GETS THAT FROM HER MOTHER.
UNCLE PHIL, THE PHONE--OOH!
HEY, LISTEN,
I CAN EXPLAIN ANYTHING. LOOK,
I WAS BUSY, AND THEN I CAME--
YOU MUST BE WILL.
I'M MISS SHARPE.
OH.
NICE TO MEET YOU...
FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER IN LIFE.
HEY, YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE FIRST TIME
I EVER MET HER IN LIFE.
WE WERE PROFILED HERE IN EDUCATION TODAY.
MAYBE IF YOU READ IT, YOU'LL RECONSIDER.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
I'M SORRY YOU HAD TO DRIVE OUT HERE FOR NOTHING.
YEAH. BYE.
NICE TO MEET YOU FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER IN LIFE!
WHOO! SHE REALLY SOMETHING, HUH, UNCLE PHIL?
HARD TO SAY NO TO HER.
NOT IF YOU'RE A PARENT.
COME ON. BE REASONABLE.
WHEN'S THE LAST TIME A TEACHER FROM BEL-AIR ACADEMY
CAME TO THE HOUSE?
THE GIRL CHANGED SCHOOLS BEHIND MY BACK.
IN THIS HOUSE, THAT CONSTITUTES A CAPITAL CRIME.
BUT SHE HAD A GOOD REASON.
LOOK, MY WIFE'S NEPHEW...
I WANT ASHLEY IN BEL-AIR ACADEMY
WHERE THERE'S A CONTROLLED ENVIRONMENT.
I KNOW WHO'S THERE, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY,
I KNOW WHO'S NOT.
LISTEN, I WENT TO BOTH PUBLIC AND PRIVATE SCHOOLS.
IN PUBLIC SCHOOL, IT'S MORE DIFFERENT KINDS OF PEOPLE.
IN BEL-AIR ACADEMY, EVERYBODY CUT FROM THE SAME MOLD.
IF YOU ASK ME, YOU ACTING LIKE A...
SNOB.
I'M GONNA JUST GO.
AND A 1-- AND THE HELL WITH THAT.
LOOK, HONEY. LOOK AT THIS.
MORRIS HIGH SCHOOL IS RANKED FOURTH IN THE COUNTRY
AMONG MAGNET SCHOOLS.
MAGNET SCHOOLS?
MAYBE THAT'S WHY THEY NEED METAL DETECTORS, HUH?
THIS IS IMPORTANT TO OUR DAUGHTER.
DON'T MAKE JOKES.
VIVIAN, WE'VE MADE OUR DECISION.
WE?
NO. YOU'VE MADE A DECISION.
I'M A COLLEGE PROFESSOR. YOU DIDN'T EVEN ASK MY OPINION.
DIDN'T I? I'M SURE I DID.
I'M SORRY, HONEY. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I THINK WE SHOULD AT LEAST CONSIDER IT.
SOMETIMES I THINK WE WORK SO HARD
TO GIVE OUR KIDS WHAT WE DIDN'T HAVE,
WE FORGET TO GIVE THEM WHAT WE DID HAVE.
GOOD MORNING, WILL.
GOOD MORNING, UNCLE PHIL.
GOOD MORNING, ASHLEY.
GOOD MORNING.
WHAT ARE YOU EATING?
FOOD.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
CUTTING THE TENSION.
GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE.
HEY, HIL.
SO, WHAT'S TODAY'S BLACK TOPIC? AMISH RAP STARS?
I'M THROUGH CHASING ONE SPECIFIC DEMOGRAPHIC.
THANKS TO MY LEOPARD SKIN MIDRIFF TOP,
I HIT AN ALL-TIME HIGH WITH MALE VIEWERS.
I GOT MORE MEN YESTERDAY THAN SALLY JESSE RAPHAEL
GETS IN A YEAR.
HOW HARD COULD THAT BE?
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
SCHOOL.
SINCE WHEN DO YOU WEAR A UNIFORM
TO PUBLIC SCHOOL?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOUR MOTHER AND I TALKED LAST NIGHT.
I MADE AN APPOINTMENT WITH MISS SHARPE TO CHECK IT OUT.
IF I'M SATISFIED WITH WHAT I SEE,
YOU CAN GIVE IT A SHOT FOR A SEMESTER.
OH, DADDY, THANK YOU!
YOU'LL BE LATE. JUST GO CHANGE CLOTHES.
OKAY.
UNCLE PHIL, THANK YOU!